Alright, whew! So this was harder to write than I thought. Gosh, I hope it reads okay.
Once again, I must thank all who have taken the time to read this story. A special shout-out goes to everyone who commented on the last part: Blue1258, leelee202, DarkLordofMemes, Doria Nell, KathrannofQuade, leward1992, durinsdaughter2469btw, Rogue's Queen, mycarnation, Hexzhana, twibe, FriendlyNeighborhoodHufflepuff, MotherAiya, helenaxo, Auriene, LadyConfidential, Cricklewood16, AshleyLeigh, Tobiramamara, SmallLittleCagedBird, SarahELupin, and Wickedgreene13.
Side note: Because I can't write without music, I often find inspiration in the songs I listen to. Sometimes it's the tempo, sometimes it's the lyrics, or just the melody. This time around, it was a combination of all three. Some of the lyrics don't fit, but these few lines right here helped solidify what I wanted to do with this chapter.
Help me understand you love
Help me go the way you want me to go
'Cause I can't guess the things that you're thinking
So help me understand you love
Tell me everything you want me to know
Song: Tell me (acoustic version) by Sabrina Claudio
CHAPTER XLIII
A QUIET FLAME
Haldir's home was dark, with the scent of candle smoke floating in the air. Doubtless the space was quiet, but as Annalyn stepped over the threshold, hoping this wasn't a colossal mistake, all she could hear was the rush in her veins, punctuated by the beating of her heart. Oh, how it pounded.
Brave or foolish. She couldn't decide.
Leaving the lamplit night behind, her eyes skimmed the shadows. Was he still in this room? Wanting to shut out the world, her trembling hand closed the door behind her, intensifying the darkness. Her back fell against the door. As her eyes adjusted, Annalyn swallowed against the tightness in her throat.
Save for a gap in the billowing curtains, all was as they had left it. Their empty dinner plates were on the table, as was their first bottle of wine. The second remained where Haldir had left it, on the floor by the couch, next to their mostly empty glasses. The ones they had forgotten as they had fallen into each other's arms for a heady moment in time.
Of Haldir, however, there was no sign. Perhaps he had stepped out for fresh air.
Cementing her decision, Annalyn set a cautious pace toward the east-facing talan—a walk without end, and yet all too brief at the same time. She was now halfway across the room, the lounging couch to her immediate right. Trailing a finger along the slanted backrest, visions of earlier flashed in her mind.
Haldir lying on top of her, aroused and breathless. The two of them sharing the same air as they beheld one another.
Her neck and face grew hot. Annalyn felt that delightful ache again, pooling at the crux of her thighs.
Though unintended, their conversation about their past loves had opened a door tonight. A door they had briefly walked through. And now, here she was again, searching for Haldir, yearning to know if he wanted the same thing she did.
Annalyn would not lie to herself. She desired him, and would lie with him tonight, if he would have her.
It was strange how just a few hours ago, she would have deemed it wrong and unjust, for both of them. But with their story soon coming to an end, it seemed like the truest thing they could do at this point, a natural outcome as it were. To love him, if only once, she thought with febrile hope.
The need that drove her feet was nigh overwhelming. As she walked onward, it overruled most of her doubts. If Haldir rejected her, Annalyn would have to swallow her disappointment, her pride—the acceptance of what was. But for now at least, the possibility existed; it lay before her as a tantalising and priceless treasure. To walk by and ignore it seemed like a sacrilege somehow. No, she needed to do this. She needed to know.
It was a gamble, yes. And the idea that this could be a grave misstep caused her knees to shake. But the undying regret of "what if" could be a lot worse than rejection, at least in her eyes. And so, with this balance in mind, Annalyn moved through the shadows, closer and closer to the open curtains, where she hesitated much like she had done at the door.
What will he think upon seeing me?
Annalyn wavered. She even debated turning around, leaving as unobtrusively as she had come. He doesn't have to know.
A gust of wind pushed the curtain, widening the gap. Her feet moved forward, as if they had a will of their own. Out on the talan, Annalyn looked left, and then right. She frowned. He wasn't here. Turning, she wondered where he might have gone, but then it dawned on her. Of course. It's obvious, isn't it? Her gaze darted to the balcony above her head. In his room. He's in his room.
The realisation caused her courage to fray a little. Surely, she was not so bold. With her palm over her thundering heart, Annalyn lingered by the curtains, and pondered what to do.
Rethinking her decision to intrude upon his personal space, she slipped back into the shadows and was making for the front door when a muffled thud netted her attention. Annalyn halted again, her gaze rising to the flet-like bedroom above. Though it overlooked the main area of the house, the room itself could not be seen from down here. Another thud sounded, as though he was rummaging for something or moving things around.
Her palms were sweaty. She had to wipe them on the front of her breeches. Then, before she could talk herself out of it, her feet were moving again, but instead of making for the door, they now carried her toward the curving stairs that lined the wall.
Annalyn must have been out of her mind. As if entering his home wasn't audacious enough, now she was making for his room. Surely, he would find it outrageous. And yet, like a moth to a flame, she kept climbing until, finally, she was there.
The moonlit room appeared empty. Noting the wrinkled impression on one side of the bed, it seemed he had sat on the edge of it. The sight of his boots, lying haphazardly nearby, explained the muffled thuds she had just heard.
Annalyn stepped forward, but went no further than the foot of the bed. Her focus had narrowed to the partly open doorway next to his cupboard. Haldir had to be in there. The barely audible curse that followed confirmed it.
Self-conscious and ill-at-ease, she smoothed the front of her tunic, only to fist her hands into the fabric, twisting this way and that. Annoyed by the nervous display, she stopped fidgeting. Get a hold of yourself, Annalyn. If you wish to leave, then leave. But if you stay, at least look like you wish to be here. Because she did. In fact, there was nowhere else she would rather be.
Annalyn now stood a little taller, her hands taming her hair before they came to rest at her sides.
As she waited for him to emerge, the sound of water floated through the open doorway. When the splashing ceased, a black bundle flew into her field of vision, landing in a soft heap on the floor. With rounded eyes, Annalyn realised he had tossed his tunic.
No, this was most definitely a mistake. How could she ever think this was a sound idea? The answer materialised. She wasn't; Annalyn wasn't thinking at all. Instead, she had allowed her foolish heart to guide her actions.
She blanched. What if he was unclad in there? If he walked out of that room and found her standing here, violating his privacy…
Panic seized her. Annalyn took a single step back. Mindful of the drop behind her, she had just taken a second step when a sharp whisper sounded. The Sindarin word was unfamiliar to her, but she felt certain he was cursing again. Another splashing sound followed. It seemed he was pouring water in a washbasin.
Suddenly desperate to get out of there, Annalyn was half-turned when a shape moved at the edge of her sight. Mortified, she halted and looked just as he was stepping out. Much to her amazement, he did not see her at first, but when he did, Haldir came to a dead stop. The catch in his breath could not be missed. Had he stopped breathing altogether?
Her mouth going dry, Annalyn took ownership of her decision by facing him fully. With the steadiest gaze she could muster, she swallowed her vulnerability, and tried to look dignified. There was only one reason she would have ventured up here. She knew it, and Haldir knew it, too.
Trapped by his eyes—as dark as night they were—Annalyn clung to her courage and squared her shoulders. She was also staring, looking him up and down because… well… it was hard not to.
With a towel in hand, Haldir stood barefoot and shirtless, his hair, his face, and the upper half of his torso dripping wet. Seeing him now, Annalyn guessed that he had poured cold water over himself in hopes of cooling his blood. A vain part of her thrilled at the thought, while the rest of her felt rather bad for the state she had left him in.
Not that she was faring any better. Fire was now entrenched in her being. But then it had been long since she had been with a man. To her unending regret, the last and only time had been with Wilmaer.
The fact that she had shared so much of herself with such a disloyal man shamed her still. How unfair it was that Wilmaer had touched her when Haldir never had—at least not as intimately, for even in passion, he possessed a high degree of restraint. Self-control personified.
Tonight, Annalyn wanted nothing more than to see that control give way, to experience the full depth of what he felt for her and return it with equal and unbridled measure. Just this once.
Haldir beheld her from across the room, his voice unwontedly strained when he said, "You shouldn't have come."
If not for the hope on his face, and the need which belied his words, Annalyn would have withered right then and there. But as it was, she stood her ground, defiant when she countered, "Shouldn't I?"
His eyes glazed over. Haldir was making for her, one slow step at a time.
Upon reaching her, he extended one hand until his finger grazed her sleeve. A whisper of a touch, tracing idle patterns over her elbow, down along her forearm, then finally over the top of her hand. Despite the coolness of his finger, his touch roused and moved her, prompting her to raise her chin and say, "You know why I've come. Is it your wish that I go?"
He closed his eyes, his jaw going taut. "You ask the wrong question." By this, Annalyn understood that it was not a question of whether or not he wanted her here. He did. So she framed her words in another way.
"I will leave if you ask me to. With no ill-will between us."
His eyes opened. He was staring at her.
Unable to hold his gaze—how it smouldered—Annalyn sought to settle her nerves by occupying her hands. Before she could question the wisdom in it, she had sought the towel in his left hand. In silence, she began to dab at the droplets covering his skin, her motions soft and slow.
Focused on the work at hand, Annalyn dried his brow, his cheek, his jaw, while he watched her through lowered lashes. Repeating the process for the other side of his face, Annalyn then went about dabbing his shoulders.
"Maybe it was foolish of me," she began in earnest, feasting her eyes on his sculpted muscles. "Maybe I am making a huge mistake by being up here. But when I left just now…"
For a moment, Annalyn forgot what she was going to say. Good gracious he was beautiful in body, strong and chiseled, his form even more perfect than she remembered—and her memories had been generous. Enraptured, Annalyn watched this Elf whom she loved, and willed air into her lungs. Recalling the night she had removed his stitches, in a fire-lit cave leagues away from here, Annalyn looked for a scar on his upper arm, but saw not even a hint of it.
Remarkable creatures, Elves.
"When I left just now," she tried again. "I found that I could not leave. I could not walk away without knowing if..."
As Annalyn brought the towel to his chest, he covered her hand with his own, stilling her movements. She sought his eyes again. The softness in them prompted her to go on. "I know that our story must end. I know that I am but a fleeting spark next to your eternal light. But I thought that… tonight… if you wanted…"
Haldir said nothing. As the unbearable silence stretched on, Annalyn trembled in spite of herself. But somehow she trudged forth anyway. After all, how could she expect him to open up if she didn't do the same? An equal give and take. It was only fair. "Earlier on the couch… What you started, I desired it," she said, pausing for emphasis. "I still do."
His eyes fell closed at that, and a low groan rose in his throat.
"I want to touch you," Annalyn confessed, and followed through. Having dried the strong plains of his chest, she dropped the towel and stepped closer, both palms coming to rest beneath his collarbones. The water had cooled his skin, but if the wild beating of his heart was anything to go by, he would be a furnace before long. "I want to feel your skin against mine," she whispered and marvelled at her sudden boldness.
While his eyes remained closed, his hands found her hips, his fingers curling in tender possession.
Maybe he would find her desperate and all too daring, but seeing his reaction, Annalyn chose to reveal more. To reveal all. Consequences be damned. "I want to feel you above and inside me,"—his breath hissed—"I want to see you come undone. I want to see your face when you rejoice."
She was shaking like a leaf. Good gracious me, did I just say that? Out loud?
Haldir had yet to move or say anything, his mouth partly open as he absorbed her words.
No longer able to stand the wait, Annalyn moved a little closer, her arms snaking over his shoulders, her hands linking at his neck. "I have told you what it is I want." A pause. "Now you. Tell me." A plea, delivered on scarce more than a breath.
Haldir's posture was rigid, his jaw flexing as the moment stretched on until she couldn't bear it anymore. "If you cannot tell me, then please… show me—"
She gasped, for he'd hoisted her up, suddenly and without warning, his hands supporting her thighs as her legs wrapped around his narrow hips. So much for cold water. She swallowed hard. Nose to nose, Annalyn found him staring at her, sharing heavy breaths in the narrow space between their mouths.
They were really doing this. At long last.
With her ankles locked behind his powerful legs, Annalyn held to him as if her life depended on it. Without a word, Haldir started carrying her toward the cloud that was his bed. When he started lowering her, she had to remind herself to breathe. Haldir sank one knee into the mattress, then the other. Supporting her with one arm, he crawled his way up to the pillows. His movements were slow and fluid, balanced and controlled, as if she weighed nothing. He set her down.
Ready and willing, she relaxed against the bed, while Haldir remained kneeling, his elven eyes unabashedly raking her form and making her ache.
When this picture of masculine grace finally leaned forth to hover over her, his strong hand skimming along her outer thigh, her knees parted in invitation. Sighing in delight, Haldir settled between them, holding his weight on one arm, much like he had done earlier in the night.
Yielding to her desires, she touched his body again. To give her free rein, he rose up a little higher. His muscled core was firm and taut beneath her questing fingers, his skin impossibly smooth, and much warmer than before. The anticipation was such that Annalyn could barely stand it. She wanted all of him. If he didn't take her soon…
The curtains rustled again. Somewhere in the city, an elven woman cast her voice in a song, the soft and melodious words a perfect backdrop to what they were doing, or were about to do. Stamping down on her impatience, Annalyn captured her bottom lip with her teeth, and waited to see what Haldir would do.
With utmost tenderness, he laid a kiss upon her temple, her jaw, her neck. Journeying downward, he hooked a finger on the neckline of her tunic, drawing it down just enough to kiss his way past her collarbone. Drawing the neckline back up, he resumed his journey south, easing away until he lowered his mouth to a spot just above her navel. Haldir's breath was hot. She felt it as he kissed her through her clothing.
Seemingly content to remain where he was, Haldir lingered in this fashion for long moments, holding to her as he breathed in and out, in and out. Reaching for him, Annalyn smoothed both of her hands over his wet braids. She was skimming the pointed tips of his ears when he finally spoke against her abdomen.
"Before this night, I never knew I could be so self-serving."
It took a heartbeat or two for his words to sink in. Self-serving? At a loss, Annalyn opened her mouth, paused, and closed it again. Before she could ask him what he meant, he said, "I am being most unfair to you."
"How do you mean?"
"I thought of this, dreamed of this, so many times." Haldir nuzzled her for a moment more. When he finally looked up, there was naught but longing in his eyes. "Having you in this very bed. Ae… You cannot know how badly I desire it."
Shivers raced across her skin. But as his expression changed to one of regret, Annalyn's heart sank. She already knew what he was going to say.
"As much as I would love to, I cannot take what you offer." With that, he rose onto his knees again. "I would lose my heart, Annalyn." These words, twinned with the sight of him, head bowed in anguish…
Tears clouded her sight.
"I am sorry," he said at last.
"I see," was all she said, all she could think to say. Disappointed and rather embarrassed, Annalyn sat up while Haldir remained where he was. Earlier, she had said that if he could not do this, there would be no ill-will between them. And to that, she held. And yet to say that she wasn't sad, even devastated, would have been a lie. Hoping to conceal how crushed she was, Annalyn faked a dim smile.
Hindsight being what it was, she should have known that it would be this way. Haldir was passionate, with a great capacity to love. But he was also a realist who was fiercely protective of his heart. He was also wise.
Earlier in the night, Annalyn had believed they could do this, that they could have this night in hopes that it would sustain them henceforth. Perhaps she had been deluding herself. Perhaps she would lose her heart as well. To know his touch, his body, only to walk away in the end... it might be more than she could handle. It certainly was for Haldir.
No, she couldn't blame him, and would not begrudge him.
"I understand." Her voice sounded meek to her ears. As her composure fractured a little, Annalyn lowered her eyes and swung her legs off the edge of the bed. "I will go."
Doing exactly that, she had just taken to the steps when Haldir said her name. She halted. It was a moment before she could find the strength to look over her shoulder.
He was kneeling still, facing away from her. "De i velethril e-guil nîn."
Her lip trembled, then her breath hitched. Ah, but why does he do this? Spilling his heart in Elvish so she wouldn't understand.
At long last, Haldir turned to catch her eyes. His beautiful face was gut-wrenchingly somber, but there were tears in his eyes. Tears, she marvelled as one of them spilt onto his cheek. The sight of his pain only magnified her own.
The moment hung there. Her composure hanging by a thread, Annalyn found she had to turn away. Her hand flew to her mouth. Then she was running down the stairs. At the bottom, she crossed the space, reached then opened the door, and hastened out into the lonely night.
*De i velethril e-guil nîn – "You are the love of my life."
So here was chapter 43. Initially, there was supposed to be another scene in this chapter. But because I took forever (I really struggled writing this), I decided to update now, with the next scene being its own chapter. It might not look like it, but there was a lot going on in Haldir's head in this scene—thoughts that will be made clear in the next part. It's mostly written, with only a few edits needed here and there. So if all goes well, chapter 44 will be posted within two or three days. *fingers crossed*
