Dr Sharon (Roy's POV) – Fits in Chapter 5: Manchester

Roy walked into Dr Sharon's new office and headed straight for the desk. He picked up the little green army man with a smile; fucking Ted. Dr Sharon closed the door and waited for him to sit down.

"Hello, Roy, it's nice to see you in person again."

"Yeah," Roy sat, back straight in the chair and his knee at the correct angle.

"What do you want to talk about today?"

"Things are good," Roy said. "I'm finally back at fucking work and they're fucking babying me. Ruth insisted and Jamie is a fucking little twat who is really serious about following every fucking rule the doctors give me and I fucking swear it pisses me off but it's also really fucking good when I'm training the little fucker but fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck, I'm in love with the little fucker and now I've become used to him living with me and for fuck's sake it's so fucking ridiculous."

Sharon looked at him and nodded. "Which part would you like to discuss first?"

Roy grunted.

"So, Jamie?"

"I used to hate him."

"I know."

"I really fucking hated him," Roy said. "I would have happily kneecapped the little fucker if it weren't for his fucking talent."

"He's a good footballer."

"He is the best fucking player in England and some day everyone's going to realise."

"Have you told him that?"

"Fuck no!"

Sharon smiled. "Perhaps you should? It's good to be honest with the people you love."

"Don't say that."

"That you love him?"

"Yeah, don't say that."

"You said that."

"But you can't say that."

"Okay. Jamie is a great footballer so even though you hated him you respected him?"

"Fuck no, he was the prickiest prick to ever prick and a little fucking bully too…not a little bully he was a complete bully and treated Sam and Nate like shit. It was a fucking dream when he went back to fucking Manchester except that we were fucking shit without him. And I was fucking shit too."

"You were getting older."

"I was a broken down fucking useless old man."

"Roy, is that true? Or were you actually still a vibrant and athletic man who could no longer compete with twenty-five-year-olds?

"Same fucking thing," Roy grunted.

"Roy, do you see yourself as a fucking useless old man still?"

Roy shrugged. "Fuck! No, maybe, fuck, I…fuck!"

"Tell me about your final game, were you a fucking useless old man when you ran down Jamie Tartt – someone you think is the best player in England?"

"Fuck!"

Sharon's lips quirked. "You're very expressive with that word but I need you to use all of the words in your vocabulary."

Roy swallowed, he was not going to fucking cry about his fucking retirement because he had a fucking different focus now and it was a good fucking job too.

"I saw him, and I fucking ran him down and it was the fucking best I'd felt on a pitch in years. I was old and slow and worn down and I fucking stopped him from scoring, and it was glorious. It would have been glorious if he hadn't been such a fucking little prick who was so good at his fucking job that he still fucking regulated us and my career was fucking over so was there any fucking point in having stopped him two fucking minutes earlier?"

"We could reframe that as you went out on a high."

Roy breathed back the stinging in his eyes. "I fucking know that that's how it was, but I had to retire and I had to retire because I was so broken down that a good tackle ended my career."

"It's a good thing that never happens to young footballers."

Roy laughed, wiping at his eyes. "I was really fucking lucky that Keeley was around to knock some fucking sense into my head and help me get here. She came into the fucking change room with me and wrapped her arm around me and I couldn't have made it through without her. She was really fucking good to me and for me and then I ran when I could see that eventually she was going to outgrow me. Then I tried to be better and I tried to fucking change all for her so I could be a person who she wouldn't outgrow and it wasn't good enough…I had done enough but fucking Higgins and his fucking wisdom said maybe it wasn't that I wasn't good enough but that Keeley and me just weren't right or weren't right because I think about how fucking good she is and how she deserves the fucking world and the best of fucking everything and I worry that all I am is a fucking weight around the people I love. I said that to Phoebe once, that I worry that she's learning how to be an adult with the worst parts of me infecting her and the little dork said that she's the best parts of me and how the fucking hell can she know that and how can she see that there are good parts of me when I can't see them. And then even though I knew, I knew, I knew that me and Keeley might not get back together but I wanted it so fucking bad, and I saw that Jamie was still fucking in love with her and I made the absolute dick move to try and protect his feelings. I really believed that she and I had a chance, I did and I didn't want him to get hurt if she and I were together because by then he was my best fucking friend and who gets to forty and suddenly realises they've never had a best friend and now they have one and it's the little fucker that eighteen months before ended my career and relegated my team and was the prickiest prick to ever prick? So, I fucking took him to a bar, and I did it the right way, I told him I'm so fucking proud of him and I even let him have a beer."

Dr Sharon's eyebrow quirked at that, but she didn't try to interrupt.

"And then I told him that I didn't want the stuff between me and Keeley getting back together to change anything about our friendship and that he was still important to me and the little fucker refused to back off or step aside because me and Keeley weren't actually back together and so he was going to fucking try too and that made me fucking mad and now I know it made me mad because I didn't want Keeley to come between our friendship and because there was no Keeley and me anymore but at the fucking time I was just so fucking mad and then he fucking told me that Keeley's leaked video had been sent to him and I was so fucking mad at him because I had fucked up when that came to light and got all fucking jealous and it was just more proof that I'm not actually a better person and I can't change and for fuck's sake why couldn't I have been enough for her and that lead to us having a fucking physical fight. Our first, and hope-fucking-ly our last, even though we came fucking close a number of times that first year but we had a fucking physical fight, like a couple of absolute toxic masculinity twats, and then we had the brilliant fucking idea, as in both of our brains deserted us during the fucking fight if we thought this was a fucking good idea, to go and ask Keeley to decide. She ripped us a fucking new one, as she fucking should have, but you know what happened next?"

He paused to take a breath.

"We went to fucking dinner and I let the little prick have a kebab and I wasn't even that sad that Keeley and I hadn't happened, and I felt a little…fuck…I felt a little…relieved. Can you fucking believe that shit, I'd spent a year trying to be the person that Keeley could have stayed with while she took over the fucking world and she kicked us out and I was relieved. I decided it must just be because it hadn't fucking up me friendship with Jamie so at least I still had my best fucking friend. And then you and I started talking and I've told you some of this shit but I started realising that I still wanted to be a better fucking version of me so that I could be better for fucking Ruth and fucking Phoebe and fuck me, even for Jamie and the fucking team and my fucking job and Rebecca fucking well told me I was ponderous and she was so fucking right and I was so fucking scared and I'm still fucking scared which is why I was hiding in my fucking feelings for fucking Keeley instead of realising that for fuck's fucking sake I was fucking well falling in love with my fucking male fucking twat of a fucking best friend and I've never fucking-well been with a guy before. My fucking dad will fucking lose his mind, he caught me kissing the guy down the street when I was sixteen and home from Sunderland and he lost his fucking mind and that was the last time I did any-fucking-thing with a guy and I don't fucking know if I'd like a cock up my arse and I've never fucking done that with a woman either because I've never really been into any of that other stuff – I always just wanted to be good at sex and make sure my partners had a good time but I never really wanted to spank them or call them names or tie them up or anything like that, I enjoy different positions but it was just never really…and I never felt that comfortable enough with my partners to ask them anything weird…not that I think I like anything weird…maybe I do…I'm too fucking old for now wondering if I want something different when all I really wanna do it just have great sex and then fucking see if Jamie is a snuggler. I fucking love a good after sex cuddle. And before sex cuddle and I know that I'm a clingy fucker, when I love someone I'm the type who overloads with love and I tried to fucking be better when I was with Keeley but I don't think I did a good fucking job and I've been fucking working on that and now I realise I was working on that by being a better fucking listener with Jamie and how the fuck did I not know I was fucking well falling in love with the little dickhead."

"Roy," she said, voice firm when he'd been silent for a few long breaths. "Have you told Jamie you love him?"

"Fuck no."

"Are you going to?"

"I don't fucking know, the little prick…" he paused. "I should probably stop calling him a little prick."

"It might be a good first step, he's not the same person he was – he's allowing people in now, and I don't think he's still the same person he was when you decided he was a little prick."

"No, now he's the fucking person I want to speak to first thing in the morning and last thing at night and he fucking lives with me. That's a little prick move, to have come over and just made himself available to me while I was recovering and make me meals and bring Phoebe over, and make sure Ruth wasn't worrying, and do my rehab exercises with me and look so fucking soft in the morning. Did you know his hair has a bit of a fucking curl in it…for fuck's sake I want to fucking run my fingers through those fucking curls and steal his fucking straightener. He came over and he didn't flinch when I was a fucking bastard to him that first day and I apologised and fucking hell I hope he knows how sorry I am for that but now he's in my house and I don't fucking want him to leave. He plays horrible music while he works out and he's a right bell-end about his beauty routine but fuck if I don't actually think his face glows after his uses that orange bottle one in the shower and when he uses that one he keeps fucking touching his face and he made me touch it once, to feel, and it was so fucking soft and smooth my fingers never wanted to stop fucking touching him and fuck me if I wasn't half hard for the rest of the fucking night. He never stopped running at 4am, he's such a good fucking player and he's actually a fucking dream to coach and then there's the fact I'm his fucking coach, now the fucking manager of the team, and fuck me if I'm not fucking in love with the best fucking player on my fucking team and I want to fucking climb under that fucking stupid fucking weighted blanket…which he fucking got made custom because he didn't like any of the fucking colours that came standard and he rubs things all the time, between his fingers. I assume it's a sensory thing but when he'd stressed it becomes more obvious and I know him so fucking well. I know him so much fucking better than I ever knew Keeley and I can't tell him I'm in love with him because I don't want to lose him."

Roy took a deep breath and looked at Dr Sharon, she was watching him but there was nothing judgemental in her eyes and he felt his shoulders ease and then he realised he was fucking crying again.

"Fuck."

"Why do you think you'll lose him if you tell him you love him?"

"Because he deserves not to have to hide, and not to have to sneak, and not to have to be stuck with a fucking old man who loves him so fucking much it would strangle him and he'd fucking take it because he's a little fucking prick and because I don't think he has feelings for me and that would break my fucking heart. Worse than Keeley…worse than fucking Keeley and that's so fucking terrifying."

"But do you think you would actually lose him?"

"What?"

"Do you think he'd stop being your friend, he's stop being there for you, that he'd want to stop spending time with you because you were honest about your feelings?"

Roy responded without even thinking. "Fuck no."

"Then I think you should think about being honest with him. At the very least it will give you a definitive answer as to his feelings and then you can both navigate through the relationship honestly."

"Fucking hell."

"I'm not sure what that one meant," she told him, and he had to fucking appreciate her honesty.

"You're right and I fucking hate it because when he isn't interested it's going to really fucking hurt and then I'm going to have to be a fucking grown up instead of being the growly fucking bear of a prick I normally am."

"That's a very specific description."

"My fucking sister."

Dr Sharon smiled at him, then her eyes flicked over his shoulder. "We only have a few minutes left. What do you think is a reasonable timeframe for you to tell Jamie about your feelings?"

Roy grunted. "Fucking hell, you're a menace."

"Roy, do you believe I don't know that you would continue to put it off if you didn't give yourself a deadline?"

"I know you do…fine, when Jamie moves out, I'll tell him."

"And if he doesn't move out?"

Roy's eyes opened wide. "What?"

"You enjoy having him live there, from what you've told me he hasn't made any move to leave given you're now back at work at least part time, if he didn't move out would you ask him to?"

Roy hated that she could see through his so clearly. "Fuck, fine, if he doesn't move out then I will tell him after the pre-season is over."

"After the pre-season?"

"Yes, we have a little break between games."

"Okay, either when he moves out or between the pre-season and season. When would you like to meet next?"

"Same time next week?"

Dr Sharon nodded and pulled her diary over. "See you then."

When Roy opened the door, Jamie was sitting outside, rubbing at the bottom of his shirt. He stood up as soon as he saw Roy and then suddenly they were hugging and Roy felt the pressure of his therapy session easing out of his shoulders. He realised, as he tucked his nose into Jamie's neck that he hadn't even thought about flinching away this time.

TBC...