-1932-

"Ms. Crocker, the monthly financial reports are in."

"And?"

"Monthly sales have dropped five percent."

Elizabeth "Betty" Crocker, the alias of Her Imperial Condescension, snatched the manila folder from the secretary's hand and quickly opened it. "Goddamn this stupid economy," she muttered underneath her breath as she flipped through the papers, quickly scanning the information before dropping the folder onto her desk. "There has to be something we can do to attract more sales."

Though not knowing of Elizabeth's true identity, the secretary was quite aware of her higher-up's patronizing superiority. "Pardon me, Ms. Crocker," she hesitantly began, "but the country is currently under a severe economic depression."

"I am quite aware of that, Dorothy, but thank you for your concern."

She flashed the secretary a restrained smile before continuing. "Maybe...partnering with other companies wouldn't be a bad idea."


-1935-

The Crocker empire continued to grow exponentially. Partnering with other companies allowed the "Betty Crocker" brand to gain more prestige and recognition, even to the point where the smaller ones were bought out. Though it was taking longer than originally planned, the Condesce was pleased with how well her intended takeover of Earth was coming along.

Posing as a human nearly full-time was hard. Not only did it involve restraining herself from her normal language and mannerisms, she actually had to pretend to care about things she had no desire to be interested in. Especially being a young woman—questions regarding romance, a future marriage, and even children were not uncommon. Elizabeth would just nod and smile, forming a lie as she told the questioner she had plans to marry and start a family in the future, just not quite yet.

But little did she know, one spring day in 1935 would change everything.

Edith/Zenith, her assistant and advisor of the whole Earth takeover thing, had been assigned various errands to run throughout the day, giving Elizabeth some time to herself (building an empire is hard work, right?). Stress had really begun to take its toll, and a long walk to take in some fresh air seemed like a nice idea.

She walked around the downtown shops at a brisk pace, despite not having any deadline or store closing to meet. Secretly being the Condesce meant that she couldn't just relax and stroll along at a leisurely pace—she had to appear as if she were actually doing something. At least, that's what being the Empress of Alternia had told her.

A quick glance at a shop window reminded Elizabeth of something she had forgotten to tell Edith to fetch earlier. Shit, she thought, bringing her coin purse up to her chest and rummaging through it as she walked. I need to—

It took just a few seconds of being preoccupied with something else for the tip of her heeled shoe to catch on an unevenly laid brick. She didn't even have time to react, just mentally prepared for the hard impact with the pavement—but her fall was stopped short.

"That would have been a nasty fall," chuckled a male voice.

Elizabeth's gaze drifted upward, and she realized she had just been caught by an unknown passerby. Time seemed to stop as she stared into his eyes—an icy blue unlike anything she had ever seen before. Although he didn't look a day over 40, his side-swept hair was peppered with grey streaks. A similarly-colored mustache adorned his upper lip, while the faintest wrinkles were beginning to form on the outer edge of his eyes.

And he was absolutely gorgeous.

"Um, I—"

"No need to apologize. I didn't want you to hurt yourself" The man gently lifted Elizabeth back into an upright position while she continued to stare, dumbfounded. "Oh, pardon me for not introducing myself earlier. My name is Charles Smith."

The introduction made Elizabeth snap out of whatever trance she had been in, and she immediately extended a hand in the professional way she was used to. "Elizabeth Crocker, pleased to make your acquaintance."

Charles continued to smile a dorky smile—whether he recognized her name wasn't obvious, and either way, she didn't care. "Well, Ms. Crocker," he continued, "may I ask if you are interested in any particular type of rendezvous within the coming week?"

Elizabeth was taken aback. "A...date?"

"No, no, no, it's perfectly fine if you aren't interested," Charles responded with a nervous laugh, scratching his head and breaking eye contact. "I wasn't trying to pressure you—"

"I didn't say no." Elizabeth smiled and reached into her coin purse for a second time. "Here's my card," she shyly told him as she held out a business card inscribed with both her telephone number and business address. "I'm available most any time."

Charles glanced down at the card and smiled. "I guess I will see you soon."


-The next Saturday-

After mentally beating herself up a million times, Elizabeth finally accepted that she had agreed to go on a date. With a human, of all species. Charles had telephoned her to discuss a time and location, and they "mutually" agreed on a picnic lunch in the park on Saturday afternoon (by "mutual", Charles really made the suggestions while Elizabeth agreed without hesitation). Charles was to pick her up at noon; she had spent all morning getting ready and generally feeling nervous.

The doorbell rang and she immediately ran to answer it. Charles stood on the porch, a bouquet of red roses in his hand. "Good afternoon," he said with the same dorky smile Elizabeth recognized from several days earlier. "I thought you might like these."

"Thank...you." It took a few seconds for her to remember humans gave each other flowers as a sign of affection, but she graciously accepted them. "Let me put these in some water first, and then I'll be ready."

"Take your time."

And with that, the two began their walk to the park.

Charles was an older man—40, to be exact; generally past the marriageable age that was considered the societal norm. At the age of 21, he was drafted into the military at the onset of America's involvement in The Great War; having nothing better to do and a lack of a general idea of what he wanted to do with his life at the time, he had stayed in the army ever since. Colonel was his current ranking. His true passion, despite his typically serious occupation, was comedy. It was the only thing that kept him sane during the war, and one of the only things that made him forget the things he saw.

Colonel Smith, Elizabeth thought to herself, liking how the professional title sounded with his last name. The more she repeated it, the better it sounded. As the two got to talking, the more at ease Elizabeth felt with the whole situation, and she was surprised at how easy the man was to talk to.

The two spent the rest of the afternoon getting to know each other, talking and laughing as they watched the other townspeople. By the conclusion of their date, Elizabeth had to admit to herself that she had actually had a good time and didn't once think of her secret plan of world domination.

As Charles walked her back home, she took the opportunity to thank him for their day together. "I had a wonderful time," she told him. "Thank you for lunch."

"My pleasure." Charles smiled. "Will we be seeing each other soon?"

Elizabeth flashed a smile. "Of course."


-1937-

Months went by, Charles chasing after Elizabeth's affection the entire time. Perhaps it was her stubbornness, perhaps it was whatever elusive secret she seemed to be hiding—there was something about her that was...different from all other women he had attempted to form a relationship with. He loved Elizabeth's independence, her smarts, her drive—not to mention she was the perfect compilation of every single physical feature he found attractive. Whatever children they ended up having would be gorgeous.

Months turned into two years. News of escalating conflicts abroad prompted fear of another Great War, and despite the assurance that the United States would not become involved, Charles still had to cope with the possibility of being shipped overseas yet again. As a way to keep his mind off of things, he decided to add to the massive collection of every single joke and prank he could recall, which he eagerly handed off to Elizabeth for her approval.

She hated to admit it, but the Condesce actually found his massive efforts...funny. After being invited over to Charles' home, she was offered a selection of his endeavors. "Very clever," she remarked, suppressing a ridiculously out-of-character giggle as she handed a sample of the massive manuscript back to Charles. "So much sass! It's almost as if you could...massacre everyone with how much sass such few pages contain. A...sassacre, if you will."

Charles snorted as he placed the pages on the end table next to the sofa, then proceeded to scoot over and drape his arm around Elizabeth. "I like it," he told her. "A sassacre. Not quite my intention, but if it leaves the masses rolling on the floor, I'm all for it."

"And that it will."

Before either realized what was happening, their lips brushed together as they leaned in towards each other.

Both blushed, a bit embarrassed at their lack of control. Charles, however, saw it as one of many hints that he should go forward with a particular action he had been thinking about for quite some time.

He cleared his throat, and took Elizabeth's hand in his.

"Elizabeth," he began, "you've been the first woman in my 42 years to make me truly happy, and I'm truly thankful you've been brought into my life. You're the one I can see spending the rest of my life with, raising children with, going through life's ups and downs with—"

Elizabeth took a sharp breath as Charles got up off the couch and knelt on one knee, his hand still interlocked with hers.

"Elizabeth Crocker, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?"

The Condesce had no idea what to say. She had no idea that her plan to take over Earth would end up like this—with a human proposing marriage to her. She hated to admit it, but she had fallen for a human.

"I—I don't have a ring—" he stuttered, "—yet—but that means we can go pick out one you like."

She cupped his face in her hands, as she knew exactly what her response would be.

"Yes."


(A/N) holy shit this still exists

anyway uh...i'm in college now? ive kind of picked up another fic i have a ton more interest in and tbh i have no idea what homestuck is anymore. i still plan on finishing this installment but i really don't think NPNL will go any further once this fic is completed. it's been a great run folks but my interests have changed

you're my everything will be finished eventually, hopefully before i graduate college. especially since i've lost my co-author it's a huge thing to pick back up and i have to try to remember exactly all that was going on, especially with 50 million characters and different plotlines. but anyway this will be finished at some point and i'm sorry for not updating since 2016