Life
Jamie closed the door behind Anya and turned to stare at Roy.
Roy opened his arms and Jamie fell into the hug, Roy tucked his head into Jamie's neck and just held him tight.
"Bed?" Roy said soft and quiet after a period of time that Jamie couldn't even guess at.
Jamie nodded, he pulled away and blinked at Roy for a moment and then the other man held his hand, and they walked slowly up the stairs. Jamie let himself be undressed and bundled into the shower, Roy following behind him. Jamie pulled Roy back in for a hug and let the water cascade over them.
"I'm gonna be a dad," Jamie said quietly, pulling back and reaching for the soap, he smiled at Roy as he started rubbing at the other man's chest.
Roy's smile was soft. "Big fucking day."
"Mmm," Jamie handed Roy the soap and felt the other man's fingers, firm and comforting rub the day away with soap.
"I know you're going to be there for the baby, but this is a huge thing, how do you feel?"
"I don't know," Jamie admitted. "Like, if I were in a…if we was havin' a baby I think I'd just be happy but this is gonna be different because me and Anya don't know one another, yeah?"
"No, you don't." Roy paused. "You brought her straight here."
"No shit," Jamie said, pushing Roy under the stream of water. "You and me are fucking…um, we're kinda…you're like me very own Disney prince."
Roy's face twisted into something Jamie still couldn't name. "Does that make you the Disney princess?"
"No, you're still the fucking princess and you don't ever get to be the dragon in that fucking game, arsehole tryna steal my job."
"You're my Disney prince too," Roy said softly, kissing Jamie gently. Jamie smiled into the kiss and felt his shoulders sag.
"You're in this with me?"
"Yeah, as much as you want but I'm not part of this in the same way. I'm going to be here for you as much as you and Anya want but you're the dad."
"I know how good you is with Phoebe."
"I fucking love that kid."
"And we got months to work out how it's gonna work but I don't want this to change how you feel about me."
"What?"
"I'm gonna have a kid, I was the kid of a single mum, yeah, I know how men feel about kids that ain't theirs."
"Oh, Jamie," Roy yanked Jamie into a tight hug. "I love you, kid or no. And I will treat your kid just as fucking well as I treat Phoebe, you don't ever need to worry about me being…jealous?" Jamie nodded, he remembered the jealousy. "Or mean?" Jamie nodded, he could still feel the mean. "Or…abusive?" Jamie shrugged.
"When they showed they didn't like me or were mean to me, me mummy would fucking kick their arses out, innit, she ain't never let no one but me dad hurt me. That's a different thing though."
"Was Simon ever like that?"
"Nah," Jamie said. "He was always a fucking nice guy, and I was an absolute shit to him."
Roy chuckled. "I bet, then I'll try and be like Simon, okay?"
Jamie nodded.
"Want me to wash your hair?" Roy asked.
Jamie fucking loved Roy so fucking much. He pulled back and kissed him. "Let's go to bed, just wanna cuddle."
Roy nodded, they finished showering and Roy threw the big, soft, fluffy towel at Jamie before using his 'normal fucking one' himself. They crawled into bed and Jamie tucked himself into Roy's side.
"Me mum is gonna love bein' a nana."
Roy nodded, running his fingers through Jamie's hair. "She will."
"Do you want kids?"
"What do you mean?" Roy asked.
"Do you want kids, if this hadn't have happened would we have talked about having kids?"
Roy was silent for a long time and Jamie felt like he could feel the other man thinking.
"I haven't had many good experiences with partners – mostly I've just had short-term shit, and anyone I was with for more than five minutes fucked me over or I drove them away. Keeley was really the first time I'd pushed for something more in a long fucking time and I messed that up. Now we're together and it's the best fucking relationship I've ever been in, but we've only been together for a little while even though I have put in the work with Dr Sharon and even though I don't want to fuck this up I'm still scared I will."
Jamie kissed the hairy skin under his head.
"I've been scared that I'm not good enough to be a dad, but I think that's just me being fucking…Dr Sharon would call it something about me be self-sabotaging and relying on negative self-talk instead of being courageous. I really did worry I wasn't good enough to spend time with Phoebe though; she was so tiny and delicate when she was born, I was worried about even holding her. She made me feel vulnerable, I know she's not my kid – I'm her uncle, but she's still like a piece of my heart walking around. I do want…yes, kids is a conversation I think we would have had eventually."
"You're a better man than lots of people, I think you're pretty amazing for even caring about being a good enough person to bring a kid into this world."
"You're going to have to make an honest man out of me first."
"I'd fucking marry you tomorrow," Jamie said, bouncing up and hovering over Roy. He kissed the other man.
Roy kissed him back.
"There's no rush," Jamie said. "We've got the rest of our lives."
"You're just so damned sure of us."
"So are you, you just don't realise you get to have nice things yet and I'm the fucking nicest thing."
Roy groaned. "Fucking couples' sessions with Dr Sharon are making you a fucking menace…and I fucking love you."
Jamie kissed him again.
"We're gonna have ta put in a nursery," Jamie said. "Full of fucking dinosaurs."
"Dinosaurs?"
"Don't matter the kid's gender everyone fucking loves dinosaurs."
"Yeah," Roy agreed. "Everyone loves dinosaurs. We can set it up in the room you were using before."
"You mean me closet?"
Roy groaned. "You have too many fucking clothes."
"I know," Jamie said gleefully. "We're gonna have to do something with me clothes…how do ya feel about a loft conversion?"
Roy groaned. "It's already converted but I haven't done anything with it…we can turn it into a fucking closet for your eyesore clothes."
"And your grumpy old man clothes."
"Those too," Roy agreed. "That'll give you more space in this closet."
"I knew you loved me."
"Fuck!" Roy said, manhandling Jamie into him again and pretending to snore.
Jamie laughed and settled into Roy's embrace.
-)(-)(-
Jamie watched Roy get ready for bed through the doorway – Roy was cute just before bed, he was in a pair of soft heather grey pants because…and Jamie could quote – 'you're a fucking super-fucking-nova of heat and I always worry I'm going to die of fucking heat exhaustion'. Jamie liked to play at pulling away then because Roy would always grunt and yank him back close and ask where the fuck he was going. Jamie fucking loved snuggling and Roy was a fucking teddy bear of snuggling. Roy finished brushing his teeth and then brushed his hair out leaving it a curling poof of black on his head. He grunted and picked up the moisturiser Jamie had bought for him and rubbed it into his skin.
"I thought you were reading," Roy grunted.
"I like this view better."
Roy grunted. He turned around and turned the light off before walking over to the bed. "You're a dork."
"But I'm your dork."
"Fuck!" Roy planted his good knee on the bed and leaned over to kiss Jamie. "Damn fucking right you are."
Jamie loved the growl in his voice when he said that, but he had a game the next day and knew that Roy wouldn't let him push the kiss any further. Roy pulled back and crawled under the covers, pressing his cool feet on Jamie's warm ones.
"Fuck."
"My dork and my fucking feet heater."
"You're a fucking arsehole."
"Yep," Roy pulled the book out of Jamie's hands, careful not to lose the page. "What are we reading tonight?"
"Janey gave it to me," Jamie said, mentioning someone from their yoga group. "it's called Bet Me."
"Right," Roy settled against the pillow and stretched out his arm giving Jamie the space to snuggle into his side. When they were both comfortable Roy started reading. An hour later, Roy put the book down and Jamie groaned.
"I like this one."
"It's fucking good," Roy agreed.
Jamie yawned. "You're gonna have ta read to me tomorrow too."
Roy nodded, tucking a bookmark into the book, and then turned the light off. Jamie curled himself into Roy's back – the big spoon around Roy's relaxing body. He pressed a kiss over the scar that Ruth had given Roy when he was six and they went to sleep.
-)(-)(-
"Tartt, room 712," Higgins said, handing out a key to him.
"Thanks," Jamie said, taking his key.
"Dinner and then movie in an hour," Roy grunted. "Get sorted in your rooms and get back down to Meeting Room Hedgehog."
Isaac's head whipped around. "Hedgehog, bruv?"
"Fucking hedgehog," Roy agreed.
"It's one of those wonderful initiatives to bring focus to our native fauna," Higgins said.
"Fuck," Roy muttered. "See you lot in an hour. Dinner and then the fucking movie."
Everyone started heading for the elevators.
"See you at dinner," Jamie said to Roy as he walked past.
Jamie didn't like that they had to be alone when they were on the road, but he fucking got it. It was one of Roy's rules, except at the beginning or end of the day there was no relationship between them but coach and player. That meant as soon as they were on the bus, Jamie couldn't touch Roy and vice versa and it fucking sucked. He had been a right bastard when he'd told Keeley he couldn't spend the first night after she broke up with him alone. He'd been able to; he was just a fucking bastard who didn't want to be alone because then he might have to think about something and that wasn't a good fucking thing back then. Now, it was different – he didn't want to fucking sleep alone because he was happier sleeping with Roy than he had been in a long fucking time. He'd felt safe sleeping as a kid when his dad was out of the picture, but when James Tartt was home it was never great. Then he'd moved out and it had been okay, but he'd preferred the nights when he wasn't home alone, and he didn't have to try and get to sleep with his brain fighting him. It was different now; he'd been working with Dr Sharon and he wasn't worried about his dad in the same way. Now he was just preferred to fall asleep with Roy's heat next to him and his hands on him – Roy fell asleep most nights with one hand resting against Jamie's ribs. Jamie fell asleep half his nights now to the soft, rhythmic snoring Roy swore he didn't do, his hand tangled in Roy's chest hair as often as he could. They slept together, actually physically together, pressed into one another or at the very least touching. It didn't matter if it was a night they had sex or not, whether it was a night that Jamie was so tired after a game Roy had to basically drag him to bed because the striker was literally too tired to stop staring at the TV. It didn't matter if Roy was shitty with Jamie because Jamie hadn't put his clothes in the hamper or Jamie was grumpy that Roy hadn't done his exercises properly that night. It didn't matter if Phoebe was asleep downstairs or if Jamie's mum was visiting, because she stayed with them now, none of that mattered because every night they slept in the same bed. If Jamie was passed out by the time Roy came up, because Jamie had yet to stay up later than Roy in the time they'd been together, the other man slipped into bed and into Jamie's space. But now, tonight, they were sleeping in separate beds in separate rooms and Jamie hated it. Roy said he didn't like it either, but it had to be like this. Jamie agreed that it needed to be this way, but he didn't think Roy fucking hated it with the passion that Jamie did. He knew he hadn't made it clear when they'd talked about it because at the end of the day, it did need to be this way and hating it didn't change that.
Jamie sat next to Roy at dinner because he'd done that before, and he sat with Sam during the movie because the coaches sat at the back. They watched The Fifth Element and Thierry started begging for chicken after the damn fit Milla Jovovich tore into one on screen. Dani was sobbing about love being football and football being life at the end of the movie.
Jamie went up to his room and had a hot shower and then crawled into bed, Roy's sleep top on, and put his Headspace app onto his favourite sleepcast – Rainday Antiques and tried very hard to only think about the soothing voice of the person telling the story, he loved this guy and appreciated that his voice had a little gruffness underneath it. He had to play the second sleepcast but he finally fell fast asleep somewhere before the end of that one.
The next night, back home in their home, he curled himself into Roy's side while they watched a movie and then made Roy be the big spoon so he could feel cocooned by the other man.
-)(-)(-
Jamie looked down at his phone and went upstairs to see about an emergency session with Dr Sharon. They had instigated a system where if someone needed to, they could slide their name into this beautiful sparkly box Phoebe and Nate's niece made so the coaches would know where the player was if they weren't in the training room or treatment room or whatever. Jamie slid his name into the box and put it on Beard's desk – he wasn't sure what Roy would do if he knew Jamie had scurried off for an emergency session, but he didn't want to worry the other man.
He found Dr Sharon's door open and popped his head in. She looked up and smiled.
"Hello Jamie."
"Hey, Dr Sharon…do you have some time for me?"
Jamie bit at his lip as she glanced down at her diary.
"Yes, I can't offer a full session, but we can spend some time talking now and I can fit you in again at 4?"
Jamie nodded and closed the door.
Dr Sharon stood up and came around to sit across from him. Jamie sat at the end of the couch, tucking his sock-covered feet under him and grabbing the fluffy toy he'd brought along to his second session because he'd wanted something to do with his hands. Dr Sharon had explained its purpose and why he felt a desire for it so he had decided to leave it behind for anyone else who might need it.
"What would you like to talk about Jamie?"
Jamie pulled out his phone. "Me dad messaged me. After the Manchester game I messaged him, checkin' in. And he messaged back once to let me know he was in rehab. He wants ta meet."
"Is he still in rehab?"
Jamie nodded. "It was, he was arrested, and it was ordered by the court."
"What do you want to do?"
"I don't know," Jamie said, curling his hands into the toy. "He was a really bad dad."
"Yes."
"He don't deserve me forgiveness."
"No, but this isn't about him, it's about you."
"But if I don't forgive him, I'm worried about what impact it would have on me. Before Manchester I weren't good. He always came back when I was a kid, Mummy would kick him out and he'd be gone and then whoever he'd shacked up with would kick him out and he'd come back. Sometimes Mummy would take him back, he'd swear down he'd changed but he never had; not for long. Mummy was just seventeen when I was born. He was a lot older…and she loved him, she fell for his bullshit, and it took her a while to stop believing him. He was a mean drunk. He was also an okay dad sometimes, he used to take me to the movies and buy me the big popcorn. He took me to the pub and gave me money to play on the games, he took me to the park, and he would make this weird pasta dish for me and mummy that tasted amazing. He weren't always bad but then he'd drink and he'd yell and scream and one time he hit mummy and she beat him up and kicked him out of the house and I cried and cried because he was gone and mum was hurt and I hated him and I missed him and I don't know what ta do with that."
"We have a perception as a society, and even people who've been in abusive relationships sometimes carry this idea, that abusive people are always abusive but it's not the case. If abusive people were always abusive, they wouldn't be able to get people on their side and they wouldn't be able to keep people coming back. Abusive people become very smart about seeing the way people behave and the ways they can manipulate them. Abusive people use those tactics to create bonds and to wear people down so that the abusive behaviours become the norm but they are also capable of modulating their behaviour to keep their chosen victims within their sphere of influence. It's really good that you have realised that your mother was also a victim of your father's abuse."
"Mummy was always between me and my dad," Jamie said. "She got me into football to get me out of the house and away from him sometimes."
"And it gave you a strong avenue for developing friendships and bonds outside of the abusive relationship."
"What?"
"Abusive people often cut off avenues of escape or assistance making people think that they can't leave – your mum gave you an avenue to develop friendships and a way to know there was more to the world than what was at home. She sounds like an excellent woman."
"She's the fucking best," Jamie said.
"What would she say about your father being in contact?"
Jamie sighed. "I feel like wanting to see him is an insult to her and how he treated her, and I know me dad was only interested in what he could get – money and tickets to games and a son to brag about when I played for Man City but she never told me not to see him, always said it was me choice."
"It is."
"And I don't know what ta do."
"Why do you want to see him?"
"Because I want…he's me dad. I don't want to be the prick I was when I was tryin' ta make him proud because that prick didn't have friends…not really, and he didn't have Roy and he treated Keeley bad and he bullied Nate and Sam and Colin and Isaac and well…he acted like me dad and I never wanted to be that person."
"You don't want to be your dad, that's understandable."
"I'm fuckin' terrified of bein' me dad."
"Jamie, you are Jamie Tartt. You are the son of your father but also your mother but you are neither of them, you are your own person and you make around thirty-five thousand decisions every day that make you the person you are and the only person who can make those decisions is you. You are influenced by your upbringing and your situation but the only person you can make you do anything is you. You chose to leave that person behind; you chose to change and you chose to surround yourself with people who now know the real you. You made a decision to get into a relationship with a person who has and will call you out on your behaviour and who you know will support you and love you and who will never abuse you even if his love language is swearing and yelling."
"I like it that he can do all that stuff without being…without like making it aimed at me…does that make sense?"
"Yes."
Jamie sighed, he didn't always know how to express himself well but there was a difference between Roy yelling at him in anger, like that season when they played together, because Jamie was a prick who was seeking out negative reinforcement because it was the only attention he was comfortable with and now when, no matter how mad Roy was or what they were fighting about, Roy never yelled at him, never made himself aggressive.
"Even while I know that I shouldn't forgive him; I don't wanna be scared he might show up and I don't wanna let him get away without knowing he was a shit dad and I want him to tell me he loves me and to be a better dad."
Dr Sharon smiled at him. "That's completely normal."
"It is?"
"Of course, many children of abusive parents want their parent's approval, they want their parents to change and become better parents who love them. Part of it is because we crave reinforcement of the idea we are loved and lovable and the first person we are meant to learn that from is our family. Everyone, every single person on the planet, deserves love and does not need to earn it in ways that are physically or psychologically harmful to ourselves or others. One thing I know from my work – most abusive parents don't think to themselves I want to be an abusive parent. This isn't a justification for their behaviour – they are abusers and just like only you can make your choices the only person who can change their behaviour is them. Your father is an abusive parent."
"I know," Jamie said, thinking back on screaming, demands of money, physical intimidation he'd never told him mum about, that Amsterdam trip, the nights when his dad was supposed to be looking after him but was off at the pub and he'd had to make himself dinner even though he were too young to use the kitchen properly. "What should I do?"
Dr Sharon shook her head. "You know it has to be your decision."
"I don't know what to do."
"You have to sit with the decision, you have to make it yourself. Our time is almost up. We can talk about it more later?"
Jamie nodded.
"For now, do what you can to let your brain rest, exercise if it helps, get out to training and focus on the game, sometimes the best thing we can do is to not think about it, to force our brain to something else and give the subconscious processes in our brain time to work through problems."
Jamie smiled. "Football I can do."
"Good, I'll see you this afternoon."
He went downstairs and ducked his head into Beard's office. The coach looked up and nodded to him. Jamie still didn't know how to talk to him, but he nodded back and then went through and out to the pitch. He threw himself into the training, focussing only on how he was able to move the ball, move his body, move his team around the pitch.
Roy blew the whistle, Jamie's whistle he thought every time he heard it, and called them all back in.
"Objectively speaking," Roy yelled. "Jamie, you trained like a fucking demon, well done. Colin, how's the ankle feeling?"
Colin bounced on his ankle. "Okay."
"Good, get to the treatment room and let them test it out."
Colin walked off the pitch.
"Everyone else, I want to see you cool down and then get to the weights room. Sam and Jamie, I want to see you run the Bendigo play again without anyone else on the field…something's not right yet. Weights with Beard."
Everyone else walked off the pitch and then Sam and Jamie set themselves up for the play, they ran it and Jamie paused just before he was about to make the final pass.
"Jamie?" Sam asked, walking over.
"That's what's wrong," he said. "You should come in from the other side, they'd know my dominant side, if we have someone else…Colin or maybe even Dani come in from the side you're on now we'd be able to make it work."
"I think I've got it," Nate called out. "Sam, we need you on the other side. But we're going to need another player."
"I'll do it," Roy called out, he nodded at Nate and jogged out on the pitch.
Jamie loved when Roy got out onto the pitch with them, he was always super horny when they got home but it was mostly because Roy fucking loved playing football. Roy came over to them.
"Jamie had the same idea as Nate," Sam told Roy.
Roy looked at Jamie with a smile.
"I will go back to the starting position," Sam said, leaving them to it.
"I'm proud of you," Roy offered. "I'll tell you more about that later."
"Fuckin' 'ell," Jamie muttered, feeling a flush whizzing around him.
"Let's go," Roy grunted, heading off to a starting spot. They ran through the play, and then again to test it and Jamie felt that fizz of joy when he ran a play he knew was going to work.
"Right, warm down!" Roy called. "Then hit the weights room."
"I have an appointment," Jamie said. "Forgot about it, okay if I hit the room after?"
Roy nodded and walked off the pitch.
As soon as he'd finished his warm down, Jamie went back up and sat down with Dr Sharon, talking over his options and what he wanted to do and what he could do to protect himself regardless of the outcome.
When he and Roy were driving home, he was thinking about how to broach the subject with Roy, he wasn't sure how the other man would take it.
"You're quiet," Roy said as Jamie opened the door and went into the house.
"I need to talk to you."
"Okay," Roy frowned. "Did I do anything wrong?"
Jamie span around quickly. "No, no, nothin' like that."
"Alright," Roy's shoulders eased. "Then let's get comfortable and talk."
Jamie nodded, he left his shoes by the door and led them into the lounge room, he tucked himself tightly into the corner of the couch. Roy looked at him for a moment.
"Where do you want me?" Roy asked gently.
"I don't know."
Roy sat himself down on a footstool in front of Jamie.
"Me dad messaged me, wants me to come and visit him."
Roy froze.
"I went to see Dr Sharon about it, we talked about lots of stuff, but I want to go and see him."
Roy didn't move.
"I want to see what he has to say, and I want to say some stuff to him."
"Okay."
"I thought you might swear about it."
"I want to," Roy said. "I want to wrap you up in that fuzzy blanket and I want to make you hot chocolate with whipped cream and buy you that chicken and sweet corn soup from the Chinese that you love so much. I want to protect you from harm but I can't do that because it's not possible, but I also don't want to stand in the way of you doing everything you can to be happy even if I'm not part of that future or I'm not sure how you're going to feel after. What I can do is be here for you and I can drive you to see your dad and drive you home after or drive to Manchester so you can see your mum after."
Jamie uncurled himself and sat forward to pull Roy into a hug. He kissed the other man and then pulled back.
"You'd drive me there?"
"Yeah, of course."
"You wouldn't be able to come in."
"I wouldn't come in," Roy said. "I don't think I can…I know you gotta deal with all this shit in a healthy way, but I can just fuckin' hate him forever, right?"
Jamie shrugged. "I don't know if that's healthy for you, babe."
Roy smiled. "I'm not sure I care."
Jamie kissed him again. "I love you; I love that you aren't mad at me for wanting to see him."
"He's your dad, Jamie, it's your choice – you cut him out of your life I'll be here to keep him from you, you want to see him – I'm going to support you, you want to start dying your fucking hair walnut mist again and I'll judge you silently."
Jamie shoved Roy. "That was an amazing colour."
"And I loved you even when you had it."
"Fuck you."
"Fuck you back."
"Promise?"
"Yes," Roy lent forward and kissed him again. "Go grab a shower, I'll start dinner."
"What we havin'?"
"I'm going to spoil you with a tuna mornay."
"The one with pumpkin?" Jamie asked hopefully.
"Yeah, that one."
Jamie kissed him and went upstairs. He breathed out a sigh of relief when he heard Roy's heartfelt fuck from the kitchen reach him.
He went to see James Tartt a few days later, Roy drove him and pulled out a book as soon as they found a place to park. Jamie pressed a kiss to his cheek and left the car, walking slowly inside. He stopped at the doorway to his father's room and watched the other man for a moment – he looked different. Finally, James noticed him.
"Jamie," James said, standing up.
"Hi."
"I'm so glad you came."
Jamie fidgeted with the sleeves of his top. He stepped into the room but didn't want to get too close.
"I need to apologise to you," James said, sitting down again.
Jamie nodded. "I got some things I wanna say to you too."
James nodded back. "You wanna start?"
"No."
"Right," James rubbed his hands down his thighs. "I've been an alcoholic for all of your life."
"I know."
"And I've also been a bad father, I never had one and I weren't really one for you." James was fidgeting as he found his words and Jamie's heart beat hard in his chest because he'd never seen him like this and he knew that was always more dangerous than the James he knew. "I treated your mum shit too, didn't know how to be in love, didn't deserve her. They make me…made me, I don't mind so much now…they made me do therapy and stuff in this program. I'm sorry."
"You know that don't make up for it, though, right?" Jamie asked.
"I do."
"I hate you," Jamie said. "I hate that I've been scared of you me whole life and I hate that I still wanted you around. I hate how you treated mummy and I hate that you never loved me. I ain't gonna let you treat me like that no more. I'm stayin' at Richmond and I'm seeing a bloke and if you wanna be a homophobic prick about it then you can keep that to your-fucking-self. You might be me dad by geriatrics or whatever but you ain't a dad. Not like a proper one, like Sam's dad who fucking holds him when he cries instead of tellin' him he'd a weak little pussy." Jamie felt the material give under his nails, but he kept going. "I only came to tell ya that I ain't gonna give you no money and I don't wanna see ya at me games and I don't want you going near Mummy."
"Okay."
"Okay?" Jamie paused. "What you mean okay?"
"Okay, I won't ask for money and I won't see Georgie and I won't come to your games – they'd be hard anyway; always drank when I watched football. I'll do that stuff."
"Good…um…thanks."
"I do love you," James said slowly.
"No, you fucking don't," Jamie said, his eyes burning. He blinked rapidly and felt his body moving without his say so, but he forced his feet to plant themselves and not move. "You can't love me and have treated me like that."
James looked him in the eye and Jamie hated him so fucking much he wished he could punch him again.
"I wish that I had have treated you the way you deserved," James said. "But I do love you."
"You can't even know what love is if you think you love me," Jamie told him. "I'm leavin'. Said what I needed to."
"Can I," James half stood and then sat down when Jamie took a step back. "Could I just text you sometimes, just to check in?"
Jamie and Dr Sharon had talked about this, and he had a plan. "Monday mornings between 7 and 8am we can text. No other time, and if I change me mind you don't text me no more."
Jamie had picked the time carefully, after a training session so he couldn't think about it too much before it happened and when both he and Roy would be home in case…in case it didn't go well. Then he could have a whole day of training with his mates to get his mind off it if he needed to.
"Okay," James said again.
Jamie nodded. "Goodbye."
"Bye, Jamie."
Jamie walked away, signing himself out without thought and then walked out to the car. Instead of climbing into his seat he went around to the other side and opened Roy's door. He had his arms wrapped around Roy before the other man could say anything. Roy's arms wrapped around him tight and held on as Jamie started sobbing. Neither of them moved for a long time. Jamie pulled away slowly, rubbing at his eyes, though most of his tears were soaked into Roy's shirt.
"Do you want me to go in there and hit him?"
Jamie shook his head.
"What can I do?"
"You still willin' to drive to Manchester?"
Roy nodded. "Yeah."
Jamie pulled back and then darted in for one more hug. Roy drove them to Manchester, one hand holding Jamie's. Jamie told Roy all about it.
"He said he loved me, how could he? How could he love me and…I told you about how he treated me, how could he love me."
"I don't know, baby," Roy said, lifting up Jamie's hand and pressing a kiss to his knuckles. "I don't know."
"If I ever treat my baby badly, you'll tell me."
"I've seen you with Henry and Phoebe and O'Brien's kids and Nate's niece, you're nothing but patient and kind with them."
"But this might be different."
"I promise that if you start to behave anything like your dad or Phoebe's dad, I will fucking tell you."
"Thank you."
"I love you, and I know you're going to be a wonderful dad. Don't forget you have your mum's example to follow too."
Jamie let out a long breath and sunk into the seat. "Yeah, she's the best."
"She is," Roy agreed, he parked at Georgie's house and followed Jamie to the door.
"Hi Simon," Roy said when the older man opened the door.
"Hello, come in." Simon's eyes were tracking Jamie.
"Mummy!" Jamie called.
"Jamie," they heard and then someone started heading through the house to them.
"Tea, Roy?"
"Thanks," Roy gripped Jamie's arm for a moment and then left as Georgie pulled him into a tight hug.
"Is everything okay?" Simon asked when they were in the kitchen drinking tea.
"Fuck, no," Roy growled. "Jamie went to see his fucking shitbag of a father."
Simon swore. "Scotch?"
"I want to but best not."
Simon smiled. "There is a reason Georgie and I like you so much."
"I love him."
"He's actually quite a good kid when he stops hating you."
Roy laughed.
"What did James do?"
"Told Jamie he loved him, Jamie can't understand how his behaviour and those words can both be true and since I'd happily hire someone to kill the guy, I'm with him."
"I don't have that sort of money but if he comes near Georgie again…well, she's so strong she can take care of herself and him, but I can still fucking hate the guy."
Roy nodded, he looked towards the lounge room. "I can't do anything for him."
"Course you can, you brought him to Georgie."
Roy nodded. "I'll take that scotch."
Simon slapped him on the back and got them both a glass. They had dinner in Manchester, Jamie pressed into Roy's side with his mother on his other one. Simon made them fish followed by custard tarts which were so good Roy encouraged Jamie to have a second. Afterwards, Jamie was almost asleep against Roy's shoulder, so he took him up to his childhood bedroom and they crawled into the too small bed.
"Thank you," Jamie mumbled.
"You're welcome. So, me poster?"
Jamie silently laughed and pulled Roy's arm tighter around him. "I wanked to it a lot."
"I just don't know how to feel about that."
"I've wanked you off – just be happy that I got me technique down."
Roy groaned. "You're a magnificent menace."
"You love me."
"So much," Roy agreed, kissing Jamie's shoulder.
"I'm glad I went."
Roy made a noise telling him he was listening.
"I said what I needed to, asked him to leave mum alone, and I did it, I did it to his face, I stood up to him."
"You did, I'm proud of you."
"I'm proud of me."
Roy held him tighter and pressed another kiss to his shoulder.
"I'm really glad I came to see Mummy." Jamie let out a long sigh, his jaw cracking. "Love you, Roy,"
"Love you top, baby, go to sleep."
"Mmmkay."
-)(-)(-
"Which looks better," Jamie asked, holding up two pairs of pants.
Roy looked at them.
Jamie wiggled the bright purple pair and then the pair with a pink left leg and green right leg.
"Neither?"
"You're fucking useless with fashion."
Roy shrugged.
Jamie went over and balanced his iPad on the dresser and called Keeley.
"Hey babes."
"Which looks better?" Jamie asked, holding up the pants.
"What for?"
"The insta story for that coffee maker you wanted."
"What are you wearing on top?"
"Nothin', like I am half ready, yeah."
"Then the split pants."
"Bangin'," Jamie laid the pants down on the bed. "I asked Roy, and he was useless."
Keeley nodded.
Roy grunted. "I'm not bothered by this; Keeley should have been your first call."
"You're always me first call," Jamie said, squeezing Roy's good knee.
Roy let out a long breath. "I would have picked the purple pants if you had have pushed, I would've been wrong."
"Nah," Jamie said. "I'll wear the purple ones when we're doin' a team one and you're in it, yeah?"
"Fuck you two are so fucking sweet," Keeley said.
"I know!" Jamie crowed. "Let me take you downstairs and I'll show you me storyboard."
Keeley squealed. "Fuck, yeah."
Jamie left Roy, and his book, behind.
-)(-)(-
"You forgot the orange juice," Jamie said.
"You didn't put orange juice on the list," Roy grumbled.
"Did too."
"No, you fucking didn't," Roy grumbled. "If you had I would have bought fucking orange juice."
"I put orange juice on the list when Fifi finished the last of it."
"You might have said you'd put it on, or thought about it, but you didn't actually put it on. You did the same with the feta last week."
"I put the feta on the list too, you obviously need fucking glasses."
"It's on my phone, because you made me move the list off the perfectly fine paper list to one that syncs between our phones. Therefore, I don't need anything to see it perfectly fine."
"You still need glasses though; you squint at the phone too much."
"I don't want glasses."
"But you might need them."
"I didn't fucking miss orange juice because I couldn't read it, it wasn't on the list to read."
"It fucking well was."
Roy flipped him off and grabbed his keys.
Jamie frowned. "Where are you going?"
"To buy some fucking orange juice."
"You…good," Jamie said, exasperated…like they needed it right fucking now instead of just needing it in general.
"Fucking orange juice," Roy grumbled as he walked out of the house.
"Fucking orange juice," Jamie grumbled into the fridge as he finished putting everything away.
Roy came home with orange juice and a packet of biscuits that Jamie wasn't allowed to eat…bastard, and they didn't talk about orange juice again until Phoebe was next over and asked for it with lunch.
-)(-)(-
Jamie sneezed.
"Are you getting sick?" Roy asked, reaching over and pressing the back of his hand to Jamie's forehead.
"Dunno," Jamie grumbled and shook Roy's hand off.
"Jamie," Roy said, voice dropping. "You feel warm."
"Just tired, it was a hard game, yeah."
"Yeah," Roy agreed, settling back into his bus seat.
Jamie sniffed; his nose was cold. He pulled his headphones on and let the audiobook lull him through the rest of the trip.
As they arrived at the Dog Track, Jamie pulled on a jumper and shivered, he felt a twinge in his throat, but he couldn't be sick – it was just tiredness and the stupid air-con on the bus. He watched the rest of the team clamber off the bus but put his hand on Roy's thigh to stop him moving.
"I just wanna go home."
Roy nodded. "Come on, go get in the car and I'll grab the bags."
"I can carry me bag."
"But you don't need to."
"Thank you," Jamie mumbled.
Roy got their bags and drove them home. He sent Jamie inside and said he needed to grab something. Jamie went in, showered and shivered even under the beating heat of the water…he was fucking sick; Jamie hated being sick.
He dried off and dragged his pillow, the fuzzy blanket, and his weighted blanket into the spare room. He threw the fuzzy blanket down on the bed, and then crawled under his weighted blanket – he sighed when the aches in his joints eased under the weight. With a long, jaw-popping yawn he closed his eyes and went to sleep listening to a sleepcast about a train.
"Jamie?" Roy mumbled, shaking Jamie.
"Wha?"
"You need to eat something," Roy said.
"Not hungry."
"You still need to eat something," Roy repeated, shaking Jamie.
"No."
"Yes," Roy said, prodding Jamie until he opened his eyes and sat up.
"Why?"
"Because you played a game of football today and you need to eat and then you can sleep."
"Fuckin' 'ell."
Roy held out the bowl of soup to Jamie. "I went to the Chinese place and got some chicken and sweet corn soup. I'm going to make some soup too, but I knew you'd eat this."
"I like this soup," Jamie mumbled. He had never thought of using a miso soup spoon for all soup until he'd started eating with Roy and now he was so happy because it was a lot fucking easier than a stupid Western soup spoon. He ate most of the soup and then shook his head and handed the bowl back to Roy.
"Are you sure you can't finish it?"
Jamie nodded.
"Take this," he handed Jamie two tablets, "for the fever. I checked with the team doctor in case."
"Kay."
"What are you doing in here?"
"Sleepin',"
"Yeah, but why in here and not in our room?"
"Don't wanna you sick," Jamie mumbled.
"Thank you, baby, you can go back to sleep now."
"Mmkay, love you."
"I love you too, I'll put some water on the nightstand, and I'll bring some more paracetamol in when you can have more."
Jamie nodded and wriggled down into the bed, rubbing at the blanket underneath him. Roy covered him up with the weighted blanket and he felt him brush the hair away from his face before Jamie fell asleep again.
-)(-)(-
Keeley savoured the bite of cake that sat between them and rolled her eyes up in pleasure.
"Yeah?" Jamie asked, reaching out to get his own bite. "Fuck me that's good."
Keeley nodded.
"Jamie," Keeley looked at the spoon for a moment and then grimaced. "I wanted to talk to you about something."
"Anything."
"It's about Roy."
"Okay," Jamie put his spoon down.
"If he gets to be too much for you…you know, if he's…because I know that sometimes Roy's amazingness can be a little much."
"I don't get it."
"You work with him, and you live with him; you spend all your time together and you haven't been dating that long so if you find that's a little overwhelming…"
"Oh, nah, it's fucking awesome – he's fucking awesome, innit. We got basically the same timetable, we go to work together, when he's doin' his coach stuff I'm workin' out, gotta keep me manly figure even though I got meself a fella." Keeley laughed with him and went back for more cake. "We go home together, he even takes me to yoga and it's doin' great things for me lower back, the only shitty part is when we're at work we're not datin', we're fuckin' like just colleagues…don't tell anyone but sometimes we sneak off at lunch and make out in his car. But that sucks even though it means we get to keep workin' together so it's fuckin' worth it, innit. It's also poopy when we go to an away game, I don't getta sleep with him. He's a fuckin' awesome snuggly fuckin' nighttime teddy."
Keeley beamed at him, bright and wide. "Have I mentioned how fucking happy I am that you found one another."
"Me too," Jamie grinned. "And I'm really happy you're happy for us – I love him, like…fuckin' 'ell I love him like he's me beast and I'm his fuckin' beauty and I'm really fuckin' glad you ain't Gaston."
Keeley laughed, her eyes twinkling at him. "We need another slice of this cake."
Jamie shook his head. "I'm gonna make Roy buy me a whole fuckin' one afta the season but I can't have it when I'm in trainin', sorry."
"I'm still getting another slice," Keeley said, catching the eye of the waiter.
That night, as Jamie was belting out a Taylor Swift song and draining his pasta, Roy walked into the kitchen.
"Hello," Jamie said brightly. He sent him a kiss and dumped the pasta into the tuna and veg mix.
"Hello, baby," Roy said, pressing a kiss to Jamie's shoulder. "Is there enough for me?"
Jamie nodded. "'Course."
Roy collected the plates, two glasses of water, and their cutlery and set the table.
"How was ya session?"
"Good," Roy told him. "I think we spotted a possible local kid."
"Keeley told me Rebecca was interested in her woman's side."
"I'm going to have to get to Kokoruda into the Academy, she's a beast in defence."
"Yeah, she fucking is," Jamie said. "She's gonna kill it this season."
Jamie was still going to help out as assistant coach with a parent from the class until Roy could come back the next year.
"I had an odd conversation with Keeley today," Jamie said, sneaking some cheese while Roy wasn't paying attention.
"I can fucking see you."
Jamie laughed. "It's part of my dairy quota."
"I know, I don't know why you like to pretend you're not allowed."
"Because it makes me feel better about the other stuff I can't eat. I have something new for our end of season food fest…there was this fuckin' cake today."
"Add it to the list," Roy said.
Jamie nodded, he already had. "Keeley was askin' me about you."
"What…no, I don't wanna know, I know you two talk about me and sex but I don't wanna know."
"It wasn't about sex," Jamie said. "She was askin' me how it was to live and work with ya."
"Oh," Roy stopped eating to look at Jamie. "She found me overwhelming sometimes."
"I don't get it, I told her, the worst part is when we can't be all like together, when we're at the club or when we're at an away game."
Roy looked down and smiled. "If that changes, and I'm too much, you'll tell me?"
Jamie laughed. "Ain't never gonna be an issue."
"But if it is?"
"I'll tell ya, until then, wanna snuggle up and read while I watch TV afta dinner."
"Yes."
Jamie smiled at Roy; fuck he loved him.
