Chapter 4

6 MONTHS

-ERIOL-

I just didn't know how Daidouji was so sure of achieving that. In my whole life, I had never heard, not even once, of a counter that started a new countdown, after hitting a zero.

That's why I didn't ask "What about me?" Just because I didn't want to fill my head with false hopes. The idea that, only because I wished for it, my zero would be replaced with another number. The impossible possibility of having a new soulmate.

I also hate them. My broken counter, Syaoran, and somehow, Sakura. I knew she wasn't responsable of anything, she didn't even know I had feelings for her. But I hated everyone, even myself, for being stupid enough of falling for her at first sight. Yes, she has a radiant personality, and is so beautiful, and deep down I could actually never hate her, but I hated the fact that I was head over heels for her, from the first second I saw her, even when I was aware of how ridiculous that was, when the exact same thing happened to Li.

I hated myself for being such an idiot and fall in love with someone else's soulmate, in a way that my counter had decided she was also my soulmate, and leaving me with a fucking zero that would never go away.

Daidouji and I stayed there, just looking at the fence, but actually not seeing it at all, until the bell rung and we had to pick up our stuff and go back to class. We did it in such silence, just as we were used to, and remained like that during the rest of our classes.

We sneaked out of the classroom as soon as the bell that announced classes were over was heard over our heads. Not only because neither of us wanted to face Sakura and her boyfriend, but because we just couldn't stand each other right now. I ended up hiding in the first floor bathrooms. Took out my phone, plugged in my earphones, and let music play at random, as I looked at nothing.

I couldn't blame Daidouji for what she was feeling. She was within her rights. But to be honest, to me, her wish of seeing her counter move on again, sounded as utter crap. It was just a whim that, if we were honest, was never going to happen. That made me so angry. Couldn't she just come to term that the both of us were fucking weirdos and we weren't destined to a happily-ever-after, like the rest of the world? Yet, at the same time, I was sick of my own way of thinking. Why I was so against of the idea of, even if my counter had already reached zero, give someone else a chance?

I got no idea how long I stayed sitting over the toilet, but when I felt I had enough of intrusive thoughts eating my brain, I turned off the music, put my phone and earphones back in my backpack, and headed out. The place was empty. Couldn't help but be thankful. It was good to have the place just for me, without someone eyeing at me, or doing their best to pretend I didn't exist. Being able to walk by the hallways, stop in front of my locker, and change my shoes, without the constant paranoia of having someone talk behind my back about my hidden counter, or the terrifying idea of my ribbon sliding down and revealing my reality, felt like heaven.

I wish it could be like this, every day.

Yet, being conscious this was just a momentary feeling, I hurried to close my locker and walk out, before the school gates were closed and I got trapped inside, just because I had a fight with a… I didn't know if it was right, but called her that anyway: a friend.

I walked across the main yard, and when I arrived at the front gate, I could see the shadow of someone waiting at the other side. I couldn't help to be surprised to see her standing there.

"What are you doing here?" Was the first thing I said when I stopped next to her.

"Oh, thank God." Daidouji replied, and hurried to pick up her backpack from the floor. "I thought you had already gone home, and I was waiting for none…"

"But…"

"I just couldn't leave without… saying I'm sorry." She whispered, visibly embarrassed. Her cheeks blushed, and I found that utterly adorable. "For what I said during lunch. For how I reacted…"

"You said nothing but the truth." I replied. "I think actually is me who should apologize for disregarding your feelings. It was because of me, that you lost it and got all angry. Is not something a friend would do."

She smiled at me. A sad smile. Maybe is still too soon to call each other a friend.

"It's going to move." I said, trying to smile back, although I couldn't fully do it and soon stopped. "Yours. And mine too."

"It's going to move." She repeated, and then proceeded to hold my hands. "We're going to be the first ones to achieve so. You'll be the first one I'll let know when it happens."

This time I couldn't help but giggle. Somehow I imagined her running all across Tomoeda to reach my place, although she still had no idea of where I live.

"Okay." I replied. "You'll also be the one I'll let know first."

"In that case, you'll have to take off your ribbon."

I froze. For a moment I felt the urge to say I was just lying, and I just said what I said on an attempt to make her feel better, but deep down I actually didn't believe my own words at all…

"N-no…" I stuttered, as I pulled my hands from her grab, and hurried to cover my right wrist with my left hand. "I can't… I can't show this. I can't let anyone know…"

She bit her lip, visibly uncomfortable. She knew she had screw this up, but didn't know how to fix it.

"I'm sorry." She said. "I forgot you don't want anyone knowing…"

"I'll check it daily." I hurried to reply. "As soon as I see it move, I'll stop using the ribbon."

No one said anything else. We couldn't even look at each other. Then, understanding this was now just too uncomfortable and too awkward, we said goodbye in a hurry, and without looking back, each of us went straight home.

A part of me wanted to fulfill that "promise". I wanted to prove, not only Daidouji, the world, and myself, that I could give myself the opportunity to, one day, love someone again. Unlike her, I wasn't so pressured to see my counter get moving again (for me it was utterly normal to keep on wearing my ribbons, even burried in a casket), but I knew that, in order to get better, I had to leave my feelings for Sakura Kinomoto behind.

It wasn't going to be easy. Especially since we couldn't just stop being friends, and I just couldn't start ignoring her and her boyfriend Li. It was going to be hard to stop having feelings for her, if I still had to act as if nothing had happened. In a slightly different situation, I could just confess my feelings, be rejected, and move on with my life, but I was still his best friend, and stopping being friends was just… I also didn't have the guts to tell her how I felt, especially since I already knew I was going to be rejected. Confessing my feelings wouldn't set me free, so my only option was to wait for one day where I could just wake up and no longer have feelings for her.

I didn't want to stop being her friends, not only because I didn't know how to stay away from her, but because I couldn't do the same Dadiouji had done to her, during middle school. During those days, when it was only Sakura and me, I was aware of how hard it was for her. I couldn't be as selfish as Daidouji, and make her lose another one of her best friends, just so I could get over a stupid crush. It didn't matter how much my counter wanted to label Sakura as my soulmate, what I felt for her was just a crush that was never going to work, and I'd better get over it as soon as possible.

So my only option was to brainwash myself, 24/7. I wasn't in love with Sakura Kinomoto. I didn't love her. I couldn't love someone who I never got a chance to begin with. Much less have a romantic relationship. It was imposible to say I was in love with someone I just had met. Love at first sight? Maybe that was the counter's biggest flaw. That type of love, I repeated myself almost daily, was simply impossible, and it was also a self-imposed impossible standard to achieve. Maybe I only fell in love with her because that's what my counter had told me to do. Maybe I was just fond of Sakura, and my counter had tricked me to believe it was true love.

How could this damn tattoo be so sure about what true love was, and most importantly, it had pointed me to the right person? What was true love exactly? If it was as perfect and real as the fairy tales said, then why there were divorcees? Why was domestic violence a thing?

As days passed, and I kept talking with Daidouji about this (from time to time we ran as soon as the bell rung, and hanged alone, next to the fence, so we could talk about everything we wanted, without fear of being judged), we soon came to term that the rest of the world were so gullible, and relied so much on a mysterious tattoo that should be taken as a guide, and not the absolute truth.

"What does that number know about us?" Asked Daidouji, that mid-November morning. "How can it know what's right for our hearts? What if I'm attracted to people with black eyes, black hair, buffed complex, and my counter decides to pair me with a blonde blue-eye skinny boy, am I supposed to simply accept it?

I couldn't help but laugh out loud. She side eyed me, visibly annoyed.

"I'm sorry." Was all I could say, trying not to choke on my rice. "Is just I never stopped to think what kind of boys you're into, Dadiouji."

She looked at me, visibly perplexed. For a moment, she was even unable to speak.

"I… I haven't thought about it neither, to be honest." She finally said, after thinking about it for a while. "Maybe we're all so used to, no matter their physical features or personality, the counter will always point to the right person, and no matter the flaws, they're still the only one."

"So, are we allowed to have preferences?"

Daidouji shrug her shoulders.

"Can't see why not." She replied, as she placed her chopsticks in her lip, still thinking about it. "To be honest I had never thought of actually being with someone who had black eyes and black hair, but… Who knows? Maybe in the near future I'll visit abroad and meet someone who's blonde and blue-eyed, and be deeply, madly in love?"

"Endless possibilities." I said, trying to hold my laughter.

"What about you?" Dadiouji's question came out of nowhere. "If you could imagine an ideal, how would she look like?"

I was scared for a second to be betrayed by my own feelings, and end up describing Sakura (white-pink skin, green eyes, brown-light hair), and knowing Daidouji was still waiting, I finally replied.

"To be honest, I have never thought about it."

"But, what would you prefer?" She insisted.

"Does it matter?" I stuttered. "I just want someone who loves me. It doesn't matter if she's taller than me, or she's overweight, or if she's missing some teeth… I think I can oversee any physical flaw, as long as she tries as hard as me to make things work."

"I think that's something even those who had already found their soulmate, forget." Daidouji whispered. "Those who part ways, those who get divorced, those who hurt each other, each and every one of them, forgets…"

Once again, silence.

"The counter doesn't guarantee happiness." I said, as I saw my ribbon. "Maybe in the end, we're not so different from them."

First trimester exams were almost here, and Sakura had the brilliant idea of making us all study together. Neither Daidouji or me could find an excuse good enough to reject her offer, and that's how during that weekend, we ended at her house, her bedroom, with all our books and notes spread on the floor, while a plate with cookies and cupcakes was placed in the middle, and each of us had a cup of hot cocoa next to us.

Compared to having lunch with the lovebirds, this was much more manageable. Sakura and Syaoran where sitting side by side, but both of them were so busy studying, that they didn't have time to cuddle and giggle and be annoying. Sakura sucked at math (she had always had, and she would always will), and it seemed as Li was just too good, so both of them were trying really hard to make her understand all we had learnt during these past three months, so she could ace the test.

Daidouji and I were also busy with our own studies. Being so focused on that, we also didn't have time to exchange looks, since we actually didn't care about the current situation. My mind was busy and so my heart seemed no to care about any type of feeling I could have.

"You'll do good tomorrow." Syaoran said as goodbye, when we all came downstairs, and out of the Kinomoto household.

"I'll study a bit more before going to bed." Sakura replied, visibly excited for all her progress.

"Just don't overwork yourself, okay? You need a good night sleep so tomorrow you can think clearly."

Sakura promised she'd do so, and we hurried to say goodbye (late November, almost night, meant it was cold), so Sakura went back inside, and we saw Syaoran walk away, since he was headed on a different direction than us.

We walked in a hurry. I could feel the cold hitting me in the face, and since I had first to take Daidouji home, I still had a long way to go.

"Are you sure you don't want to come in?" Daidouji insisted, when we finally stopped in front of the black gate. "My mom wouldn't mind."

"Mrs. Daidouji doesn't even know who I am." I scoffed, to which Daidouji replied.

"Of course she knows. I talk about you all the time."

I froze. Not because of the cold, but because of her words. Truth be told, if you asked me, I hadn't told my mom anything about my recently resurged friendship with Dadiouji. For Nakuru, after six months of constantly asking me how was she and me replying "no idea", she had finally stopped asking, three years ago.

"I've told her she doesn't need to send me a chauffeur to bring me back home, because Eriol Hiragizawa will always make sure I make it back, safe and sound." She said. "So, she told me next time you brought me home, I better make sure to invite you in, in order to thank you for your trouble."

I didn't know what to say.

I also didn't know when I ended up in the Daidouji's living room. And yet, there I was, sitting in a wine-red sofa, with a huge ass chimney on my right, and a crystal table in front of me, where a tray with some pastries and hot coffee awaited.

"I'm sorry to be a bother, Mrs. Daidouji." I said in a hurry, still trying to come to an excuse to leave, and slowly realizing it was now impossible.

"It's not a bother." Mrs. Dadiouji said, as she and Tomoyo sat in another sofá, and took a cup of coffee. Trying to be polite, I took a cup too, and took a sip.

My face must've said it all, since Mrs. Daidouji smiled at me, visibly happy.

"So glad you like it. It's Turkish coffee."

I couldn't help but take another sip, and she smiled once again.

"If I recall correctly, you two are in the same year, right? That means you're also in the same class?"

We both nodded. I felt as Tomoyo had actually not tell her mom a lot about me.

"Is good to know you're back in touch, after these last few years. Who would've thought friendships depend so much on who's sitting right next to you during class?"

Mrs. Daidouji then sip from her cup of coffee, and so she didn't see how Tomoyo and I looked at each other.

It just took us a second to understand each other.

"Liar." I said with my eyes.

"What did you want me to tell her?" She said back, her eyes wide open.

I guess it was now my turn to help her.

I had some issues with this chapter, since in the first draft somehow I kept on insisting on writing everything in present tense, so while editing it I had to make sure everything was changed into past tense. So probably I missed some verbs, in which case I apologize, and would apreciate if you called me out.

Have a nice weeked.

Ribo~~