War-gerbil77: Thank you!
Newreader2022: Thanks for coming back!
Rhett's love: Glad to be back! Me too I really did miss it. The pesky middle bit of the story gave me a bit of grief.
Truckee Gal: A few more chapters, yes! Thanks for reading.
Jaded orbs: Finally, right? It only took me a million failures to get back on board with this story. I owe you a PM.
Guest 1: Thanks for the warm welcome! Yeah, I removed it a bit ago but kept pulling it up in the word document I keep and reread it. Thanks for coming back.
Klenk eniko: Thanks! I plan to finish this time.
ScarlettGator: Thanks for following again! I hope the re-read is just as good.
Highanddry: Hi!
Aethelfraed: I agree- I think with how mental illness can run in families it makes a lot of sense. They're always paired, Gerald and Scarlett as being the same. There's definitely a lot coming up and a bit of rewrites so I hope this gets back on track and I remove some plot holes.
Guest 2: No you're right- I removed the story from the site several months ago. Thanks for coming back.
Guest 3: Thanks for coming back! I hope the rewrite of chapter 2 is good!
Chapter Two
Alone. What a foreign concept, Scarlett mused as she rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling in a daze. Scarlett wasn't sure she had ever been alone before- not truly. Lonely, yes but never alone. The grief that had settled over Scarlett in the wake of Rhett's departure was weightier than she could have ever imagined. She was… tired. So very tired.
It was six in the morning and despite her exhaustion, she had not been able to sleep more than a few restless moments. Scarlett collapsed on her bed fully clothed and she woke fitfully with her wrinkled skirts everywhere. She looked down at herself. She felt as crumpled as her dress. She started tearing at the fabric around her breasts weakly before her hands fell back to the bed. She was too exhausted.
Alone. A house full of staff, two inconsolable children, and her unrelenting, frenetic thoughts, and yet she was acutely aware that she had never felt more isolated. She was lonelier, even, than she was during the war when she lost all sense of herself in the vain attempt to find the old glory of antebellum Tara.
Tara.
Oh god, how she longed to visit her own personal Mecca; the embodiment of her paradise. Scarlett felt the familiar tug of her spirit at the passing thought of Tara and her rich, red soil. A piece of her was calling home, but the call was answered with the hollowness of heart. She was longing for her sweet, beautiful Tara and yet it was telling her to wait.
Scarlett wasn't ready for Tara despite the guttural desire to take fistfuls of the mahogany-colored soil in her palms. There were so many memories there- both wonderful and terrible. Her family flourished and died there. The only person still at the plantation with half as much love and respect for that land was Will Benteen. She could not go back yet, not when it would mean adding another dark shadow to its storied history.
She had responsibilities. Scarlett knew it fell on her to plan Melanie's funeral. Ashley and India were too indisposed to be helpful. Just last night India Wilkes had sent four separate letters asking Scarlett to assist her former sister and brother-in-law with the burial preparations. Anger tore through Scarlett for a brief moment when the fourth letter came. She had just watched her closest friend die and her husband leave and not even an hour later she was expected to be everyone's everything- their rock, their financial advisor, their businesswoman. It seemed so unfair to take on the emotional load of two families while not being given the grace of her own mourning.
Through her grief, there was a flicker of anger. That entire family, save Ashley, could not bear to be in the same room as her, and yet when it mattered the most they asked for her help. Scarlett briefly thought it was because they believed her to be heartless. Maybe that was the case. Maybe the Wilkes believed that because Scarlett never showed her emotions that she must be emotionless. It didn't matter that she felt as if her entire world were collapsing beneath her feet. Ask Scarlett. She can handle it.
Scarlett had the mind to decline the pleas for help and send back all of India's letters in a momentary fit of rage. When she sat down at her writing desk, however, she couldn't bring herself to do it. Melly was her best friend, her only confidant if she were honest with herself. Scarlett knew she would regret it for the rest of her life if she didn't help Melly one last time.
So Scarlett promised India that she would make the necessary arrangements. Truth be told, Scarlett knew she needed something to preoccupy her mind. She could not think about Rhett or Melanie. She could not imagine her life without the two people she cherished the most. Later, when the funeral was over, she would let herself truly fall apart. There was no time now.
Scarlett tried to swallow the lump in her throat at the thought of Melanie but instead choked on a strangled sob. Sweet, gracious, wonderful Melly was gone. Scarlett had held the frail woman's hand only half a day before and begged her not to leave her. Melly was the only friend- a true friend- Scarlett has ever had. Probably even would ever have. There were many times during the years that Scarlett wished she could be rid of Melly and all her niceties. They had not been in-laws for quite a while and yet Melly always treated her as family. Scarlett was regularly annoyed with Melly, but then she would do something so fiercely loyal and Scarlett was ashamed of herself for thinking she could ever live without her friendship.
Now Scarlett would never hold any part of her friend again. She could hardly believe that Melanie was gone forever. Scarlett loved her more than any person in the world and yet she had been so... vile. Truly, she would be punished in the next life for what she put Melly through. Wryly, Scarlett thought, she was already being punished in this life. God had wasted no time in seeking revenge for Melanie Wilkes. Melly should be beatified immediately.
She sighed heavily and tears threatened to puddle in the corners of her eyes. Scarlett never felt more like a truly decent person than she did when she was with her closest friend. Scarlett briefly wondered if she'd ever feel decent again.
Swiping her sleeve across her tear-caked face, Scarlett stopped to press the heels of her palms against her closed eyes. She pushed gently into the sockets trying to alleviate the pressure that had been building there since Bonnie had died. She could never get rid of the ache.
Scarlett was suddenly struck with the desire to scream. One loud, guttural scream. No pillow to cry in, no belt to grip in her teeth, just a pure, animalistic scream. She fought it for a long moment, massaging her eyes, rolling the skin around the sockets with her palms. The scream needled its way up her throat, pricking along her esophagus, danced on her tongue, and knocked at the back of her teeth before she gave in.
The quiet house immediately sprang to life. Scarlett heard a set of uneasy feet thundering slowly up the central staircase. "Miss Scarlett!" Mammy cried out. "Are you alright, Miss Scarlett?"
Mammy's cry set in motion absolute chaos. Wade and Ella, half awake, cried out in confusion. They began screaming for their mother who was, currently, indisposed. Prissy had followed Mammy up the stairs, taking them two at a time in order to reach the children and quiet them. The servants downstairs who had started their quiet morning routine began clamoring downstairs in bewilderment as Scarlett continued to scream long and loud and rasping.
Despite the pandemonium, the scream was the first time in a long time that Scarlett felt at peace. All her thoughts ceased at once and there was a shimmering moment of clarity in which Scarlett thought it felt so natural to lose her mind. She understood now why her Pa was able to drift so seamlessly into madness.
Mammy threw open the bedroom door to find Scarlett prostrate on the bed with her wrinkled skirts hiked up to her thighs. Scarlett was sobbing through her screams, the heels of her hands still pressed into the sockets of her eyes. The sight was shocking. Mammy thought that Scarlett resembled a dying animal caught in its own trap. The stillness of her body betrayed by the guttural anguish spilling out of her mouth. "Miss Scarlett..."
Instantly Scarlett's scream stopped. She snapped up in bed and turned her face towards Mammy. Mammy noticed that Scarlett was looking in her direction, but her gaze was beyond her. There was a beat in which neither woman said anything. Slowly, Mammy stepped into the room and shut the door gingerly behind her. Scarlett's face was blank though the tears kept falling silently down her alabaster skin. Behind the closed door, Scarlett could hear the faint sounds of Prissy attempting to tend to Wade and Ella's crying from the neighboring rooms.
"I apologize, Mammy," Scarlett said in a monotone voice. Slowly, Scarlett glanced down at her rumpled clothing again and registered how horrific she looked. "Oh…what a dreadful racket." She said still staring at her skirts trying to flatten them in vain. "Please see to the children."
"Miss Scarlett," Mammy whispered, taking a step forward and reaching out her hand to Scarlett. "Come here and tell me what's wrong."
"Whatever do you mean, Mammy?" Scarlett asked. She attempted at a coquettish laugh, which instead spilled out of her a mimicked, nervous sob. "I am perfectly fine, see?"
Scarlett painstakingly attempted to assemble her face into something that resembled composure. She walked herself though straightening her shoulders and pursing her lips in order to keep from crying. She dug her left thumb into the palm of her right hand to distract her from her tears. When Scarlett was sure she looked a modicum of fine, she tilted her head up to look at Mammy and finally raised her eyes to meet Mammy's for the first time.
Any composure slipped the moment Scarlett saw the concerned look on her Mammy's face. "Mammy."
Mammy crossed the room faster than she had moved in years and in moments she had Scarlett in her arms and she was sobbing again. Scarlett had opened the deluge of emotion she had been burying for years. "Mammy." She whispered between cries. "Mammy, they're all gone. Everyone I love is gone. I don't know how I'm going to be alright."
Two days later Scarlett sat at her dressing table clad in black polished cotton petticoat and caged crinoline. Her crepe bonnet, veil, and fur-trimmed cape were laid carefully on the bed. Melanie's funeral was in a few hours and Scarlett was trying to hide the purple bruises under her eyes.
Scarlett hadn't had a good night's sleep in days. After Mammy had soothed her and allowed her to finally feel her pain, Scarlett began compartmentalizing her emotions. She hadn't heard from Rhett since he had left, but she knew not to dwell too long on it. Thinking of Rhett would make her come undone and she couldn't afford that luxury again. People depended on her to provide Melanie with a proper funeral and she'd be damned if it weren't going to be the most beautiful service anyone had ever been to.
So instead of ruminating on Rhett or Bonnie or even Melanie, Scarlett took each task one at a time. She had met with the priest, she had acquired flowers, and she had gone to the Wilkes' and brought Beau over to her home. Ashley was inconsolable and India couldn't manage both Ashley and his son at the same time. Aunt Pittypat was useless. She would not even come out of her room. Scarlett saw the boy being neglected, crying alone in the parlor, and took it upon herself to bring him to her home so Wade and Ella could distract him.
Beau appreciated the gesture and it was helpful for Scarlett to have another person in the house as well. She felt closer to Melanie with Beau with her and his presence allowed her an additional distraction from her grief. Now she could care for all three children. It didn't allow her any time to think of herself and that pleased her. She could think about the rest later.
Mammy had kept a watchful eye on Scarlett since she had broken down. Mammy was concerned that by reverting back to processing her emotions the way she always had Scarlett was in danger of having a real emotional break. Neither Mammy nor Scarlett spoke of that morning again, but every time they passed each other in the hallway Mammy gave her a knowing look.
Now, however, on the morning of Melanie's funeral, there was nothing more to be done. There was no more planning. She was no longer needed. All morning Scarlett's thoughts periodically slipped to Rhett. His memory felt like a bruise she kept pressing to see how badly it hurt. She wondered if he was going to show up today. He and Melly had a wonderful friendship. It would be a disservice to her memory if he did not show. Scarlett also missed him terribly and wished Rhett would attend for her own selfish benefit. How would she explain his absence? She wasn't sure she could. Not this time.
Scarlett sighed, glancing into the mirror again. She was so pale and the purple bruises under her emerald eyes only exacerbated her sallow pallor. Scarlett reached for some rouge on her dressing table before thinking better of it. She wouldn't want people to think poorly of her for wearing makeup to a funeral. She would be wearing her veil anyway.
"Miss Scarlett," Prissy's voice broke through Scarlett's musings. "Miss Scarlett, it's time to go the coach is here and the children are downstairs."
Scarlett stole one last glance at herself in the mirror before nodding. "Thank you, Prissy," she muttered allowing Prissy to finish dressing her in her bonnet and cape. Scarlett reached over to a decanter of brandy that she had relocated to her dressing table and poured a quick glass. She swallowed the amber liquid in one quick mouthful and sighed. She would need all the help she could get today. She already knew that the only sympathy she would have was from a crystal bottle.
The ride to the cemetery was a somber one. Wade kept his eyes on his lap, playing with his fingernails. He did not want to see his aunt be buried. He loved his aunt more than he loved his own mother. Seeing her casket lowered into the ground would solidify the fact that she was really never coming back. He had asked Scarlett twice if he could please stay home while she and Ella went to the service, but Scarlett wasn't having any of it. She told him that he had to be present to pay his respects to his aunt who loved him so very much. His cousin also needed him. To not go would be an insult. He did not want to insult his cousin or his aunt's memory, so he acquiesced.
Ella was less aware of the solemnity of the situation. She knew she was upset, but she was distressed only because Wade and her mother were unhappy. When she had asked Wade if Aunt Melanie would be at the service he had to sit her down and explain to her that Aunt Melanie had gone away. She had died and would not be coming back. Ella was not sure if she understood, but she saw the exhaustion in her mother's taught face and Wade's sad eyes and accepted this as true. She sat next to her mother in the coach and reached for her hand halfway through the drive. Scarlett was touched by the gesture and received Ella's hand graciously with a gentle squeeze. Though never one to be overly affectionate with her children, Scarlett needed that small act more than she realized.
It was drizzling when the three of them reached the cemetery, which seemed very apropos. The world had lost an angel and it seemed only fitting that the skies mourn the loss of Melanie Wilkes as well as the mere bodies left shouldering their grief. Wade offered his hand to his mother and the three of them walked somberly towards the grave. Two men were finishing burrowing the deep grave and it took Scarlett only a moment to recognize the strong shoulders of one.
Scarlett joined the congregating group and watched as Rhett set down his shovel and wiped his hands together to loosen some of the dust. His shoes were caked in layers of mud and he was damp from being out in the rain. To her surprise, his eyes met Scarlett's. There was no loss of anger or sadness there. She had hoped that after a few days, he might soften to her and come home. The tight line of his mouth and the searing look in his eye spoke otherwise. Despite his otherwise hostile demeanor, he came to stand next to Scarlett as the priest began speaking.
They were both silent for a moment, both staring at the grave Rhett had helped dig. "What made you do it?" Scarlett asked quietly.
"Melanie was the most decent person I had ever met. It felt like the right thing to do. It should have been done by those who cared for her." His intonation was monotone. He was in no mood for conversation. He wanted to pay his respects and leave. If he could have avoided this he would have, but it wasn't fair to punish Melanie Wilkes for all of Scarlett's shortcomings. He believed himself to be better than that. He could stand a few moments in the rain with his wife in order to say goodbye.
He patted Wade on the back and took one of Ella's outstretched hands. It wasn't their fault they had such a poor mother either. He held no animosity towards them. If anything he felt regretful that they would be losing yet another father figure. He reminded himself that he must continue to write to them both otherwise they were lost. They all knew Scarlett was not the mothering type.
They lapsed into silence both standing rigidly next to one another. Scarlett wished desperately that he would reach out and grab her hand and for a moment she was mortified that she felt jealous of her daughter. Rhett had stuffed his free hand into the pocket of her trousers. He wanted to make it abundantly clear that he was not here for her.
A tear sprung from Scarlett's eye. Despite being surrounded by so many people, she felt terribly isolated. It was in this moment that the weight of Melly's loss fully hit her. She knew she was going to feel lonely for the rest of her life. Rhett, though here, would not be back, Melly was gone, and she was not fully accepted into high society. This was it. A deep hollowness filled her heart and it felt as if all of her insides dropped into her stomach at once. Tears prickled behind her eyes and her nostrils began burning with the effort to keep from crying.
She let out a ragged sigh and took a deep, controlled breath. She would not cry here. Not in front of Rhett and everyone in Atlanta. She would have her moment alone with a glass of brandy later.
"You look like hell, Scarlett," Rhett said under his breath.
"How else am I supposed to look?" She knew he was goading her. She would not allow him to get under her skin. Not today.
"Presentable and not smelling of brandy. Did you really think it appropriate to have a drink before coming to a funeral?" The coldness in his voice was so steely that it even shocked him. He did not intend to be so punishing- he just could not stop.
Scarlett turned her head, another escaped tear tracing her cheek. He knew she was exhausted, he could see it in the bags under her eyes and the emptiness in her eyes. For a fleeting moment, he found himself wanting to brush her tears away from her cheek, but the thought vanished before it even solidified in his mind. She was never this vulnerable, not without motive. She was here only to show her support for Ashley. Funerals were the best times to catch husbands.
"Don't be cruel, Rhett. Not today." She whispered. "I don't have it in me to fight with you right now. It is neither the time nor the place. Yes, I had one drink, but don't think I can't smell brothel on you. We're not so different you and I. Now, enough. If you want to continue to insult me you may do it another time."
Rhett was slightly taken aback by her reaction. There was no animosity in her tone- in fact, there was nothing at all. She spoke as if she were on automatic. No intonation, no spark, nothing. It was the nothingness that concerned Rhett the most. He could not remember a single time when Scarlett had not done something with passion. For the first time in his life, he heard her sound broken.
Good, Rhett thought wryly. He couldn't help but feel a sense of schadenfreude at the emptiness in her tenor. Now she finally understood the hollowness of his last several years.
Across the dug cavern, Ashley fell to his knees and wailed as the coffin was lowered slowly into the ground. India knelt beside him and tried to pull him to his feet, but he was too heavy. Everyone at the ceremony attempted to look away in order to allow him so privacy, but his cried became headier. "Melanie, no." He groaned.
Beau looked stricken standing hunched next to Aunt Pitty Pat and Uncle Henry. Aunt Pitty was so immersed in her own grief that no one comforted the boy as he watched his mother slowly lowered into her final resting place. Another few moments passed and everyone kept his or her eyes averted. It was no one's place to tell a man how to grieve his wife.
Scarlett started forward and Rhett stiffened, livid. Quickly, she walked directly to Beau and knelt beside him, turning his face to hers. "Beau, look at me." Scarlett said quietly. The boy turned his pale face to hers, his eyes red-rimmed and his face blank and a little scared. "Beau, take my hand and come stand here with Wade, Ella, and me, okay?" He nodded, his eyebrows shooting upwards as his face crumpled.
Beau's hand in hers, Scarlett walked back to where she had been standing with Rhett and her children. She took her place next to Rhett and turned Beau to face her. "Beau, I'm so sorry," she did not have the chance to finish her sentence. Beau wrapped his arms around Scarlett's waist and began to sob. She knelt and took him in her arms. Beau buried his face in the crook of her neck as his shoulders heaved. He had only wanted someone to comfort him, but Scarlett had taken a moment to check in with the boy. She held Beau to her as Ashley continued to sob and the first fistfuls of dirt were shoveled onto Melanie's coffin.
Scarlett rubbed her hand along Beau's back trying to comfort him, but she herself was at a loss. Besides Ella's sweet gesture in the coach and Mammy's soothing days ago, no one had thought to comfort Scarlett. Though she was trying to soothe the boy, his embrace calmed her. The both of them needed human contact and in that one, terrible moment they were able to hold onto each other.
Rhett looked away, trying not to be disgusted. Ashley should have been consoling his son. Scarlett was only putting on airs in order to make herself an attractive option for Ashley once he was out of mourning. It sickened him watching her comfort the child as she would if she were his new mother. He inadvertently tightened his grip on Ella's hand and she mewled, "Uncle Rhett, you're hurting me."
He glanced down at her frizzed, rust-colored head. "I'm sorry, my dear." He let her hand go. As soon as she was free she took a step towards her mother and Beau and wrapped her arms around Beau's middle and whispered, "It's okay, Beau."
The action was so moving that Rhett was both touched and repulsed at the same time. This was Scarlett's new life. This was everything she had always coveted: a nuclear family with Ashley. Here it was. Wade stood beside Scarlett, his hand on her shoulder, and Beau was pressed between Scarlett and Ella.
Her marriage to him had always been a mistake. He knew she loved Ashley for years and yet tried to sway her. He was so in love with Scarlett and blinded by his own desire for her that he was willing to overlook all of her indiscretions in order to have her. He wasted years of his life and only brought himself misery. It didn't matter how much he loved her- how much he still loved her- all of it was for nothing. Before him, crouched on the ground, holding another man's child was an antebellum vision of the Madonna and child. Beau was the child Scarlett was always supposed to have: not Wade, not Ella, especially not Bonnie.
Rhett looked away, training his eyes on the last few shovels of dirt covering Melanie. He did not belong here. He never belonged here. After the ceremony he promised himself he would never come back to Atlanta again. Scarlett was free to have Ashley and her new life. He was free, too. He tried to ignore the sharp pain ripping through his chest.
Beau finally released Scarlett when the priest muttered his final amen. She stood silently and glanced up toward Rhett. She silently begged him to hold her. She wanted him to be proud of what she had just done. He had always mocked her parenting- she had finally done something right. In a moment of weakness, she reached her hand out to touch Rhett's. The graze of her fingers along his sent his already rigid body on edge. "Don't, Scarlett," he said softly, "nothing has changed."
"I know," she replied folding her hands together and pressing them to her stomach. "I know- I don't know why I did that, I'm sorry. I knew you'd pull away. Call it a moment of weakness to want to hold your hand today, but please don't mock me for it." She tried to smile softly up at him, but the tremble in the corner of her mouth gave her away. Rhett was stunned to see how much she was truly mourning.
"I won't mock you." He responded quickly, frightened by the temporary loosening of his anger. He turned to face her, one final time, and his breath caught in his throat. He tried to memorize her then- the heart-shaped face, the dazzling emerald eyes, the bowstring lips. In spite of it all, he knew would miss her. "Scarlett." He said curtly, one final time, bowing his head to her and took his leave.