It took two minutes of the most uncomfortable silence Sara had ever experienced in her life before she took the initiative and told everyone to get back to the front of the cabin and sit around the fire. Weh an arm around Laura's shoulders, she gently pushed the downright paralyzed girl onto her first steps before handing her to Alisa and Emma.
"We'll be there, don't worry," she told the blue haired girl.
When she tried to help Rean get up, Sara expected him to fight her and whine and be all "Leave me alone" but instead there was no resistance. In fact, there was nothing in there, she had never seen someone so defeated before.
"Come on, Rean. Let's stay with everyone else, okay?"
He simply obeyed her and walked back with Sara without saying a word or looking at her. Of course, once they were back with the group and she tried to get Rean to sit between Laura and Elliot, then he put up some resistance but with some pushing Rean gave in and sat down, shrinking onto himself to create as much distance as possible from those next to him.
All of Class VII sat in absolute silence around the fire. Confusion, sadness, anger, there was a multitude of emotions swirling through all of them and it was difficult to know what to do. Some brave souls made attempts at saying something but before words came out of their mouths they'd give up.
"Maybe the combat-links combined with Rean's connection to Valimar and the mana from his ogre power caused some sort of… Anomaly or a mal… function…" Emma tried to speak up but it just felt too uncomfortable when nobody seemed to be interested. That wasn't the answer anybody was looking for at the moment.
Seeing her partner distressed, Celine climbed on her lap to comfort her and once again, silence befell on Class VII.
Reluctantly, Laura's gaze shifted towards Rean and she saw his glassy eyes locked on the ground as if he was picturing himself diving into the dirt and burying himself there. What could she do, what could she say that could even begin to mend what was broken? Ironically enough, she searched for inspiration in Rean himself, for he always seemed to know the right thing to say in that sort of situation. Just the right thing that would lift someone's spirits or make them reexamine their point of view. But then…
"The truth is that you fell for a lie."
But then that was part of the problem to begin with, wasn't it? That Rean hadn't been truly himself since they met, that he had put more than just front to deflect from his issues, that everything he had said and done thus far had been a lie.
It made Laura feel sick.
How had she not seen it? Was she truly that blind? Or was she stupid? She had felt such pride in thinking she could understand Rean but in truth she had let so much completely pass her by, like some sort of country girl who became enamored with the first guy she met while out of town. She had bought into this farce-
"Who are you, Rean Schwarzer?"
"Since then I learned more about noble society and became much more aware of how status affected my family… how much I affected my family."
"I'm sorry for invading your privacy even more, Rean, but how did you get that wound? Was it a training accident?"
"It's just a… I don't know what it is."
"Thanks, Laura, I mean it, this is a really nice gift."
"I'm glad you like it."
"We all make our choices in life."
"But sometimes life chooses for us instead and we can do nothing but go with it. And as strong of a sense of justice you have, it doesn't feel like that's the only reason you're mad at her. It's okay, you can tell me."
"I haven't had this much fun in a while, just relaxing with friends. I think we all needed this, to take our minds off things."
"We should do this more often."
"Yes, definitely."
"Or maybe we should try to revisit our fight against C. It's clear you're still hung up about it and considering our luck it would be prudent to prepare for another confrontation against him and his group. Maybe you could tell me what was that thing you thought you should've done that could change the course of the battle."
"Why do you follow the path of the sword?"
"To find myself, I suppose. When holding a sword it's one of the few moments where I feel in tune with my own mind, when it feels like I'm on the right path for once."
"Laura, you wanted to know why I wield the sword. After this I'll explain everything to you. Everything."
"I woke up to reality that day, I wasn't really part of that family, I was an outsider. Something dangerous that my parents found in the woods and took pity on and brought to their home and now put their real child in peril."
"That night in Celdic, the way you pushed me to fight more seriously was my first step into regaining some confidence in myself. I never got to properly thank you so… Thanks."
"But I suppose that tonight's events reawakened that childish side of me."
"Nothing wrong with feeling like a kid now and then."
"Could any of those things… have helped someone find confidence in himself again?"
"I told you you still have a place in the world."
"You know, Rean, while the sidecar was adequate… Riding here feels much more comfortable."
"In any case, you best prepare yourself, Rean. Hold nothing back."
"Against you, Laura, I wouldn't dream of it."
"Don't let me be a bad influence on you, Laura, I'm the one who should learn to not lie like that."
"You could never be a bad influence on me, Rean."
"Whatever this thing is, in the end it's just another big monster for us to kill. It's more than we ever bargained for when we came to this school, more than anything we've ever faced, but so was everything else we had to deal with so far: monsters, ghosts, terrorists, archaisms. But we are still here, alive, and stronger than ever. This thing wants to test us? Let's make it regret ever bringing us here instead.
"Class VII, commence operation!"
"How about a toast?"
"To Thors? Class VII?"
"How about the way of the sword?"
"Yes, to the way of the sword and the journey it will take us on."
"This blade shall not be broken until it returns to your side. So please, run!"
"Every free day we'd hop on the orbal bike and go to Heimdallr and each time I would take you to dinner in a different place. Sometimes we could just ditch Trista for a whole day and spend our time exploring the city, just the two of us."
"Do I have your attention now?"
"You and no one else."
"Everyone's got a particular rhythm to their heartbeat… Since that night at the hotsprings I can follow yours. So now, even in combat, even when I'm inside Valimar, if we are linked together I don't even have to concentrate at all to hear it. You are always there with me. There is only one person whose heart is on my mind."
No, that was wrong as well. Laura would only be fooling herself if she tried to believe that everything they had been through together had been a lie. All the time they spent together, sparring, talking and getting to know each other. The moments when Rean let her in and see his vulnerabilities and the times of sheer, unbridled sincerity when he spoke to her. The battles they fought alongside each other where she knew she could trust his life to him, just like he trusted his to her.
It couldn't all have been fake.
And she could not forget the pain in Rean's face when he confessed it all to her. The pain of exposing himself, the pain that all he was saying meant he could lose her and what they had. The pain and shame he was feeling right now as he let his closest friends become privy to his insecurities.
So she decided to put the matter of what all of this meant for their relationship going forward to the side, at least for the moment, because right then what mattered was that Rean was suffering and he needed help. He needed to understand he wasn't alone and that nobody was judging him, that none of them thought less of him despite what he might think, that they were in this together.
The answer that came to Laura wasn't necessarily a fully satisfactory one, it would require not only a lot of courage from herself but from the rest of their friends as well. She prayed it would work.
"Everyone, I have a confession I must make."
Her announcement came out loud and a little stilted as Laura tried to keep control of her emotions and drew the surprised eyes of everyone, including Rean, and they waited with bated breath for what the impromptu confession was going to be.
"There were times when I've felt jealous of Rean and Fie," Laura swallowed as she watched her friends' expressions turn to curiosity and shock in the case of the two individuals. There was no turning back now. "I am very aware of my skill with the sword, I know I'm far from a master, but I still believe myself to be talented nonetheless and I'm confident that mastery of the Arseid style is within my reach. But then I met Rean and Fie and upon learning of their respective pasts, I realized how much of that was embedded into their abilities, how much of their life experiences forged them into the warriors they are today and that made me wonder if I am lacking in the same type of experiences.
"Certainly, I've shed blood and tears to get where I am now but still, a part of me made me question if I am nothing but a privileged, noble girl who grew up with a comfortable life and perfect circumstances. The two of them got where they are not only due to training but grit as well, by enduring everything the world has thrown at them. While Fie was braving battlefields to survive and Rean was training to master his powers and struggling with his unique circumstances, I had my father to guide me every step of the way within the safety of my hometown with no other concerns in my life. So, there were moments when I wished that my life could have been harsher, maybe then I would be a stronger warrior, maybe then there would be more sincerity to my blade.
"How ridiculous, isn't it? To be jealous of someone's suffering? One might even call it pathetic."
Laura finished with a forced, wavering smile as she struggled to look around her friends who were a bit perplexed, and although he was quick to divert his gaze once she turned to him, she saw he was just as surprised.
It was such a petty thing what Laura had just admitted to, so small in comparison to what Rean was going through. In all honesty, she hadn't even thought about it since a little before the war began, but it was the most ugly and selfish and shameful thought that lay inside her mind, one that Laura would have never shared with anyone. Just like someone trying to act like a different person because they didn't like who they used to be.
As Laura hugged her legs and lowered her head, resting her face against her knees, all she hoped for was for the rest of Class VII to understand and follow her cue.
It was none other than Elliot who spoke up.
"I am jealous of Rean too. You guys didn't really catch it but I got pretty upset at him over a joke he made back when we were at school. I took it more personally than I should've, heh," the musician awkwardly looked away, scratching his face. "He apologized and we made peace with each other and while I told him that it was just because of the issues I have with my father, there was another reason I was too embarrassed to say back then. I mean, come on, look at you," Elliot turned to Rean, extending a hand in his direction. "You're strong, good looking and super popular with everyone, and, well, I'm not."
Although he had spoken firmly at first, Elliot slowly broke down until he completely turned his flushed face away from Rean, who barely had any time to process that before Jusis called with attention with a loud sigh.
"If that's what we're doing, then I'll say I felt envy of someone as well but not of Rean. Instead…" His gaze fell on Machias, who was sitting across him.
"W-what?" The bespectacled one blurted out. "This isn't the time for your jokes, Jusis."
"It is no joke. Machias, your father managed to rise in the political world by his own hands. Sure, his connections and alliances played a role in that as well, however those were forged by him through his own hard work. Carl Regnitz worked tirelessly with the single goal of changing Erebonia into a more equal country for its citizens, he has unquestionably earned his position as the first commoner governor of Heimdallr, and you are on the same trajectory as well. You will study and work and bear through everything our antiquated country can throw at you and eventually, through your own efforts, you'll rise above those who would discredit you and be able to proudly say 'I did this.'
"I will never have that," the young noble grimaced. "No matter how much I toil, how much blood I shed, I will never be able to say I did it all on my own because I will always live in the shadows of the Albarea name. Everything I have is due to it, even passing Thors' entrance exam was only due to the education my family bought me. Unlike you, I will never build something of my own."
Bitterness spilled from Jusis mouth but it was also clear he was having problems facing his gobsmacked rival. Meanwhile, Machias struggled to even fully comprehend what he had heard but he put it aside because he realized the reason why Jusis had even said what he did. While he truly felt bad for his friend, part of him really wanted to curse Rean for putting him in that position.
At first, Machias mumbled something completely unintelligible that got everyone looking at him weirdly. He huffed and groaned before raising his head and speaking up clearly, albeit a little fast. "Half the reason I used to argue with Jusis was me lashing out because I was actually scared. I was scared that some highborn noble like him could compete with me despite my best efforts, that maybe nothing I did would ever be enough to get where I wanted to be, that I wasn't as smart as I thought I was."
A lull descended on the group once Machias finished saying his piece, only the crackling of the fire and the sounds of nocturnal animals off in the distance being heard between the members of Class VII, as the ones who hadn't spoken up yet gathered up their courage. Rean's gaze was back to being fixated on the ground in front of him and while still somewhat distant, there was the slight hint in his face that indicated he was paying attention and that the words of his friends were getting to him.
"I don't know how to say this without sounding like I'm asking for everyone's pity but I can't help but feel this is all my fault," Emma said with trembling lips. "Despite everything we went through I never trusted you guys enough to come clean about my role as a witch, even as we braved the schoolhouse's Reverie Corridor I still kept a tight lip about everything, and the one time I did come clean to someone I just made a mess and put all this pressure on Rean. I was meant to properly guide him and I couldn't even do that right."
Upon seeing the young witch remove her glasses to wipe her eyes, Celine got up from the girl's lap and nuzzled against her face and accepted Emma's arms wrapping around her. "And I failed as your classmate too. I lied to everyone about who I really am despite knowing the dangers you could be exposed to, just hoping everything would work out in the end, and it made me sometimes wonder if I deserve to be part of this class."
"You're not the only one to sometimes feel that way, Emma," Gaius' words came as a shock to everyone. Usually so well composed, nobody expected him to have something to say as well. "The Highlands are my home but the time I spent in Erebonia, living in Trista, attending Thors and traveling across the country made me gain a real appreciation for it, to the point I referred to Erebonia as my second home at times. But at the same time I don't really see myself living there and I still struggle with some of its customs, so, in a way, it started to feel disingenuous to call Erebonia my second home.
"And in this war, all of you have a personal stake in it. Protecting your homes and your families as well as the duties entrusted to you, but what about me? The war did reach Nord but no towns were razed, no battles were fought between armies and my tribe doesn't have to deal with the political fallout that'll come with it. Once it's all over, I get to come back home while you guys deal with the consequences. In comparison to everyone else, I feel I'm just along for the ride, like I'm a tourist."
"You're all idiots," Fie said bluntly as soon as Gaius ended saying his piece but the words weren't drenched in the dry snark they normally were. "That's what I used to think at least. All of this worrying about social class, school, relationships and whatever else just seemed so dumb to me. Who cares about grades as long as you can get a roof over your head and three meals a day? Who cares about being nervous about dating someone as long as nobody is shooting at you? Living in society just sounded like a pain and you all were weird for caring that much.
"But then when things work out for you guys, you all look so happy like it was all worth it and I started to wonder if I missing something inside me. I always knew someone my age being a jaeger wasn't normal but it took a while for me to really get how not normal it is. I never got to go to Sunday school and make childhood friends and get into trouble with them and laugh about it later and now I can't even kiss someone without acting like an idiot.
"I don't resent the boss for raising me the way he did and I still think of Zephyr as my family and I miss them but now part of me wonders what's like to be normal and… I don't know."
Fie looked smaller than ever as she curled up into a ball, resting her forehead on her knees. More than sad, she was confused, like she was realizing those conflicting feelings of hers for the first time and Sara gently rubbed her protegé's back to comfort her.
"Hmm…" Millium hummed, her brow furrowed in thought. "Sometimes it's like there's two of me. One was sent here by the Intelligence Division and the other is an average student. After a while, it got really weird and confusing when writing reports. It felt wrong, so much so that I haven't submitted anything new about you guys since we got separated, not even when we re-established contact with the Intelligence Division but then that makes me feel like a failure of a spy. Does that make sense? I don't think it does but I still feel really bad when I think about it."
Millium was by far the least down on herself with what she had to say but still there was apparent sadness in her face.
"Wow, you guys are really going through some heavy stuff, huh? I'd never have guessed it," Alisa said with a lopsided smile filled with irony. "Not like me, I've been super transparent about literally every issue I have, honestly, I'm shocked none of you got sick of me whining about my mom or the Reinford Group by now. I'm surprised I managed to keep the Alisa R. thing going for so long. I never told this to anyone but I… I called up Thors a week before school started and asked, well, begged, Principal Vandyck to tell the faculty to keep my family name under wraps.
"I mean, that's so childish, right? And it didn't even matter because my mom was on the board of directors," Alisa laughed but it was a laugh completely devoid of mirth and quickly died down. "I mean, what's wrong with me? I keep going on about how I want to be independent and grow into my own person but the second we met her in the field exercise in Roer I jumped at the chance of proving myself to her. The truth is that I don't think I'll ever be able to stop chasing after my mom, just hoping that someday we get to be a family again."
And there it was, under the night sky of Nord for an audience of night creatures that called the shore of Lake Lacrima their home, the full breadth of Class VII's insecurities that they had held close to their chests, all aired out. The things they were too hesitant to express to other people now all out in the open for their friends to judge however they saw fit.
But that wasn't fully right, not yet. There was only one last person remaining and there was no better moment for her to come clean.
"I was born in North Ambria," said a forlorn Sara Valestein, legs pressed against her chest as she looked towards the reflection of the stars and the moon on the lake. "And I used to be part of the Northern Jaegers."
For a moment the students forgot their own problems, eyes wide open shooting up toward their instructor. Even Rean in his dazed state was visibly aghast by the revelation.
"I don't know who my parents were or what happened to them. I don't even remember if I was born in Haliask or out in the country. All I know about my early childhood is that, before I could barely walk, I was adopted by Johan Valestein, former colonel of what used to be the Principality of North Ambria and one of the founders of the Northern Jaegers Corps.
"He raised me like his own daughter and taught me everything I needed to know and I do mean everything. Not just about being a jaeger but life in general, especially how to not let the harshness around get to you. Not everyone has the luck to have a father like that, certainly not most people in North Ambria.
"By the time I was 10 I became part of the Juvenile Jaeger Corps and by age 13, I was a full blown jaeger. I was on battlefields exchanging fire and blows with other seasoned jaegers, trudging through mud, smoke and blood, and I killed more people than I can count. And that thing in Celdic? I did that. Many times," Sara said with a sharp gaze directed at her students. "Village burning, the good ol' Northern Jaeger special. Dad always worked to minimize casualties during those times since the point is to displace people or discipline them, not straight up wipe the place and its people from the map but…" She sighed, running her hand over her hair with a resigned look on her face. "But sometimes people get stupid and try to fight and, well, you guys get where that goes. All of that for the sake of the people in our home country, so they could get the bare minimum of food and medicine to keep on living."
Her gaze then fell on Rean and Jusis. "That's right, you dear old teacher used to be the same kind of person as the ones who shot your father and burned down an innocent town. Make of that what you will.
"By the time I was 18, I was commanding my own squad during a battle against Nidhoggr right here in the Empire. Who even knows what we were fighting over anymore, not like it matters, so to cut stuff short, we got hit by a counterattack by the enemy forces and requested back up. When all hope seemed lost, my dad showed up for the rescue, routed the enemy and then… Got hit by a lucky bullet and died in my arms. I cried and screamed until I passed out covered in my father's blood and the next thing I know, I'm in a medical tent with none other than Colonel Beatrix tending to my wounds. After that, well, I guess you guys can figure out.
"I've made peace with my past a long time ago, I know I can never take back the things I did, all I can hope is to put as much good in the world as I can." Sara scanned her students and was more relieved for the lack of scornful looks than she expected. They were shocked for sure but if anything, they seemed very understanding. Instinctively she knew that that would be the case, she knew it was irrational, but a little part of Sara couldn't help but fear their rejection upon learning the truth.
"I knew you used to be a jaeger but…" Fie looked up to Sara, her large green eyes transfixed at the older woman.
"That's right, Fie. We're more alike than you thought," Sara said with a wink and faux smile. "So watch out, if you don't take care you'll end up just like me."
The older woman turned her head away, staring at the lake once more, but then a weight pressed against her shoulder. To her surprise, when she turned her head around, a mass of silver hair was leaning on her.
"That doesn't sound so bad," said Fie.
Feeling at a loss for words, Sara simply wrapped her arm around Fie's shoulders and hugged her.
As Rean's gaze swiped across his friends, he couldn't help but feel a smidge less tense for the moment, a little less afraid, and although he allowed his body to relax if only a little, he didn't speak or look anyone in their eyes for the rest of the night.
Exhaustion came in fast for Class VII after their bout of confessions. The roasting pheasants were set aside as nobody was hungry anymore and after a while Sara instructed everyone to retire for the cabin. They had a full day ahead of them and they needed as much sleep as they could get.
That, however, didn't seem to apply to Sara herself. So once everyone had settled down on the blankets spread out on the floor, the instructor made a silent exit while carrying a bottle of bourbon "borrowed" from Gwyn's liquor cabinet and two glasses. Of course, she knew nobody was going to actually sleep any moment soon and they knew that she knew but there was the silent agreement between them to just let things lie for the moment.
"Awkward conversation hour is over, you can come back now," she said, sitting down on the table at the front porch and pouring the drink on each glass as Claire climbed up the stairs.
The policewoman looked back at the entrance to the cabin then to Sara and then back to the cabin before reluctantly taking a seat next to the bracer.
"When I offered to accompany you and Class VII I didn't expect things would take such a turn. I swear, Sara, I did not intend to listen in on your exchanges but once I caught the yelling from Rean and Laura-"
"Hey, hey, it's fine, really," Sara waved off Claire's concerns. "Don't worry about it. I don't think the kids even realized you were nearby. As for me, well, it's not like I said anything new to you I'd imagine."
Claire stiffened even more, as if such a thing was even possible. "You're the top Erebonian bracer. It's only expected that information about your past would concern the RMP and Intelligence Division. Still…" Claire sighed. "It wasn't my place to overhear such a personal exchange between you and the rest of Class VII. Once again, for that I apologize"
Sara downed her drink and her voice sounded so mellow it was like she had been drinking the whole night. "Nah, it's fine, really, Ms. Former Heiress to the Rieveldt Company," she said, making Claire visibly reel back, her eyes wide in shock. "You're the rising star of the RMP and an Ironblood. It's only expected that information about your past would concern the Bracer Guild," Sara had straightened herself to deliver a nearly perfect impression of Claire's earlier words then finished it with a cheeky wink. "So don't fret over it."
"I- I see…" Claire couldn't help but stammer, as if she wasn't feeling awkward enough as things were. Her eyes fell on the glass filled with liquor and she didn't think twice before having a drink herself.
Both women sat there in silence for a while, Claire nursed her glass and occasionally sipped on it, meanwhile Sara stared at the horizon, looking downright contemplative.
"It's a great thing what you all have," Claire said after a while.
"It's not like this is how we usually spend time together but yeah," Sara said with a smile on her face. "Not the same between you and the other Ironbloods?"
"It's… Different between Lechter and me. I can't really see us having a heart to heart the same you and Class VII just had."
Sara nodded at that. They likely knew each other's pasts and personal problems but the whole spy thing made being sincere and open with each other a thousand times more difficult. "And we stole Millium from you guys. Sorry about that."
"Don't be. I am glad she finally got the chance to be a regular girl and go to school and make friends, even if it was as unconventional as Class VII. Someone her age deserves better than to just be an intelligence agent."
"True that," Sara downed her glass, her third already. "Hey, listen. I know I already dropped the act but I wanted to officially apologize for being a bit of an ass to you. I know you didn't have anything to do with the closing of the Guild Branches in Erebonia, that the decision came from so high above the upper echelons of the political world that only the Emperor could've done something about it, but you being close to Osborne and all that made you an easy target to get pissy at, so sorry about that. You've been helping during all of this and I appreciate that."
"I've only been doing my duty as an officer of the RMP but," Claire downed the rest of her glass. "Your apologies are accepted nonetheless."
"Thanks. Hey, listen, I'm sorry for ragging on that topic but I have to ask, what's your opinion on the Guild being closed all over Erebonia?" The question was not an accusatory one, it was simply pure curiosity on Sara's part. "I promise this isn't me looking for an excuse to yell at you. You can be honest, trust me."
Claire sighed and tapped her finger nail on the glass with the faintest clink before answering. "The Bracer Guild provided a fundamental service to the people of Erebonia, acting in situations where neither the Provincial or Imperial Armies could. Your structure allowed for rapid response to immediate threats and you fostered good relations with the citizenry, which allowed you to resolve civil disputes much easily. I disagree with the closure of the Guild and I said as much to His Excellency when he asked my opinion."
Satisfied with the reply, Sara nodded and poured another glass for Claire then another one for herself. "What was he like? The chancellor, I mean. Outside of the spotlight and behind closed doors."
Once again, Claire hesitated but a glance at the bracer, now with her arm propped on top of the chair's armrest holding her head, showed that Sara was not probing her for information but looking for familiarity, she guessed. She also felt she could avoid the question with no repercussions but after hearing so much, not just from Sara but all of Class VII, she felt she had to give something in return as well.
"To tell the truth, he wasn't as different from his public image as you might think. He always had this presence wherever he went, even when it was just me and Lechter when we were kids, it just came naturally to him. He always looked out for us but we never received favoritism from him, he simply recognized and nurtured our potential and gave us the means to reach where we are in life. He was especially warm to Millium as well."
"Yeah, I know about the stuffed bear."
"Yes, there was that and a myriad of things over the years that one might not expect from His Excellency," a gentle smile appeared on Claire's face. "I won't deny his reputation is unearned or say something along the lines of 'If people had really got to know the real chancellor they would have changed their opinions.' All I'll say is that Giliath Osborne gave me a second chance in life and I owe him that."
Sara nodded again, she understood very well what she meant.
"For what's worth, losing family, I know what that's like. So, if you ever need to talk, vent over a couple of beers after a rough day, hit me up," Sara said with an easygoing smile and took another swig of her drink then slouched on her seat. "Not now though, I'm already mushy enough as it is, I can't handle another bout of feelings any time soon."
"Thank you, Sara. I appreciate the gesture."
Silence came down between the two women again and Claire finally allowed herself to relax while Sara was starting to feel downright sleepy, but then the cabin's door opened and her eyes turned wide open again. She turned around and saw Rean standing there, staring back at her, equally stunned for a moment, before he turned his gaze away and started to move towards the steps.
She got up from the chair and watched him walk with his head hanging low, not saying anything, before calling out to him.
"Rean."
He stopped but didn't turn to her. "Yes, instructor?"
She hesitated at first and had to hold herself from trying to stop him. That wasn't the right move at the moment. "Whatever you decide, just make sure it's what you think it's the right thing for you."
"Is that an order?"
"It's a request from someone who hopes you still see her as a friend."
Rean tensed up but didn't say anything, he just continued on his way down the steps and towards Valimar.
Sara sighed and collapsed back on her chair. She picked up the bottle of bourbon and was about to pour herself some but then placed it back on the table.
"I might not know Rean as well as you do, Sara, but there's no way that boy blames you for what the Northern Jaegers did," said Claire.
"I know, I know," she responded with resignation as she slid down on her seat. "It's just… You heard what I said, I've accepted my past a long time ago, I'm not running away from it, everyone in the Bracer Guild can attest to that. But at some point I started to care about these kids a lot and that great thing we have that you mentioned? I don't want to lose it. So I can't help it, you know?"
Valimar flew over the plains of Nord, a lone figure traveling through the cold night. At minimum output, his engines were a whisper and his lights barely shone.
Rean didn't know where he was going, he paid no mind to his trajectory besides not going near Zender Gate and the watchtower. So maybe it was pure coincidence or maybe his subconscious led him there but whatever the case, he ended up at the monument of the so-called "Guardian" of the Highlands. The giant stood there just like it had that day months ago when he saw it for the first time, unmoving and unchanging.
Coming face to face with it, Rean did the only reasonable thing he could: he punched it. "What the hell are you!?" But the Guardian did not respond, indifferent to everything around it. Rean's scream and the impact of Valimar's fist colliding with the statue didn't travel for long before fading in the open air of the plains, silence quickly returning.
With that out of his system, the Awakener and his Divine Knight took to the skies once more, going far up high until the Guardian vanished under them, until Rean could see beyond Zender Gate and far in the distance the luminescence of Crossbell's Azure Tree.
They went as high as Rean could muster before finally stopping and letting go of the controls, simply letting Valimar hover in the air. High above in the night sky, the Divine Knight was a lone figure surrounded by stars and it was a breathtaking view, had Rean been in the mood to take it all in. Instead, his eyes simply wandered through the horizon before him and the possibilities it presented.
He could just go away, leave everything behind and start anew, for real this time. Not the half measure of going to Thors, not the undeserved fairy tale ending of staying with Laura in Legram. An actual new life, maybe in the east, although that could lead to an encounter with Master Ka-fai and he wouldn't be able to handle the shame of meeting his master after running away. So maybe down south, past Liberl. Anywhere away from Erebonia would do.
He'd disappoint everyone by disappearing without a trace but then that would've happened if he stayed anyway. Actually, he had already done so that night showing off how weak and unprepared he was. What had he done? How could Rean have spilled everything that way in front of everyone? He was the only one who could do anything to end this war but there he was, a complete mess of a person. He really hadn't changed at all despite what he thought, he continued to be the same fuck up that dragged everyone down with him. Still the same stupid, insecure kid who-
"I've felt jealous."
"I was scared."
"I failed as your classmate."
"I feel I'm just along for the ride."
"Part of me wonders what's like to be normal."
"Sometimes it's like there's two of me."
"I mean, what's wrong with me?"
"I used to be part of the Northern Jaegers."
Each word from his friends was like a punch directed straight at the deepest corners of Rean's lack of self worth. He knew exactly why they had shared all of that, how hard it was for them and what it meant but that didn't make it easy to process it. Part of him wanted to say that none of it mattered because they weren't him, they weren't the ones with the Divine Knight, nothing was hanging on them being able to fight Crow and put a stop to everything. But even if he could convince himself of that, there was something else he could not ignore.
"How can you still not understand how much you matter to all of us… How much… How much I love you!?"
Clearly not anymore, not after what he had said. But then why did she get everyone started on that round of confessions? Did it mean Laura still felt the same way about him? Well, give her a day or two for her to think it over and she'd probably reevaluate her feelings, she deserved better after all. Part of him wanted to cling to hope but another told him he didn't deserve a second chance and these thoughts kept going back and forth in his head.
"Whatever you decide, just make sure it's what you think it's the right thing for you."
Everyone was counting on him but he didn't think he could meet their expectations, at the same time he wanted to get back to his friends and Laura while thinking he didn't deserve it. It was all too much for him to handle and Rean folded on the pilot's seat, his hands covering his face as his eyes started to sting.
"I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do…" Rean repeated to himself over and over as the first tears started to roll but then something unexpected happened.
"You remind me of Dreichels," the Ashen Knight said and Rean raised his head, eyes red and wide, looking up at the cockpit.
"Valimar?"
"The previous Ashen Awakener too was plagued by self doubt and guilt. He blamed himself for the War of the Lions as he came to the Highlands to escape the societal stigma of his birth. He believed that if he had stayed in the capital he could have appeased his brothers and averted bloodshed, just like you are under the notion you could have stopped the Azure Awakener from igniting the fuse of the current conflict."
Rean listened, stunned silent at the way Valimar spoke more naturally than he had ever done before, as well as the content of his words. Emperor Dreichels blamed himself for the War of the Lions? He had never heard of that before, he doubted any history book ever mentioned such a thing.
"During his campaign, many of his allies perished and he carried the guilt of every single loss. The death of his closest friend, Roland Vander, nearly broke him were it not for Lianne Sandlot to console him. When she too fell at the hands of the Vermillion Apocalipse, despair threatened to take hold of his heart but still he managed to find the strength to go on in his remaining allies. Once it came the time for him to take the crown, he did not believe himself worthy of it."
"You're right," Rean said, head hanging low. "Emperor Dreichels went through so much worse meanwhile I'm-"
"Do not misinterpret my words," the interruption sounded almost harsh, like Valimar was admonishing him. "They are meant to convey that even the one lauded by your people as the Lionheart Emperor was just as conflicted as you are, that he too doubted his own self worth and his abilities and cursed his weaknesses. And although yours and Dreichels' circumstances hold similarities, you are not the same person. You could never be Dreichels and nobody expects you to, as such you can only face your problems your own way. You can be only who you are… Rean."
Rean swallowed and rubbed his eyes, Valimar had referred to him not by calling him Awakener but by his name. It was enough to sober him up.
"You have your own strengths that have taken you much farther in your journey than you give them credit for, one of them having displayed itself this night quite clearly as you are well aware of yourself. However, if it is necessary to make it clear, maybe you wish to know the last words Lianne Sandlot said to Dreichels?"
Reluctantly, Rean nodded.
"You are not alone."