Tormented

I'm Sorry

This is one of the rare chapters where POVs didn't skip around, unlike my previous chapters lol. Anyway, friendly reminder that the first Sunday of every month I do not update.

Edited: 04/22/2022

"Clan Galaxy?" Esther repeated as she glanced around the room quizzically. In honesty, she wasn't surprised to hear 'Esther-8' as she already had assumed that she had her memory wiped of her own volition. What she hadn't expected though, was that she was once part of an infamous Clan.

Like most Guardians, she had heard of the Clan before and had caught a glimpse of several of their Clan members, many of whom were easy to spot thanks to their mark – an alignment of planets circled by stars. Of course, this brought up the question why she has one of their cloaks, which had led Esther to the one and only interaction she had with one of their members. Aurora Borealis or Aurora, a magenta plated Exo, and when questioned, she had simply smiled – pained, she now realizes – and responded that it had been a gift. Back then, Esther had taken it as a satisfactory answer.

But now.

Before she could dwell deeper into her thoughts, another soft hum from her surroundings pulled her out of her musings.

"Is that Little Light over there?"

"What?"

Esther then glanced around, eyeing the hidden faces of her team until she broke down who they were talking about; it was easy to spot the way Ianos had went stiff, practically unmoving, that it was talking about him.

"Little Light?" She repeated back.

"The Guardian you call brother." Esther's optics grew wide, "I wanted to meet him, but you and Venus say that he is always busy." Another hum from the voice, "Seeing many new faces here, I simply took a guess. Which, I am to ascertain, that I am correct?"

Bewildered at their question, Esther turned back to Ianos, contemplating.

"Yes, you are correct."

Despite expecting it, Esther still reeled at Ianos' answer, her mind buzzing as she felt Vulcan's panic grow.

"It is nice to meet you, Little Light." The voice seemed pleased, excited almost, "I heard many a great deal of things about you from Venus and Esther. Good things, if that is any comfort."

It was both puzzling and amusing for Esther to see Ianos tilt his head, his shoulders still taught, and his silence taken as someone who has been completely taken off guard. Nonetheless, it was brief, quick as Esther heard Ianos take in and release a breath, his shoulders going lax.

"The name Little Light is usually used by those I consider family." Then, Esther watched with both interest and surprise when Ianos placed a palm against his chest and subtly bowed, "You may call me Ianos, mister… miss?"

"I am called Artificial Intelligence Prime." The machine answered, "However, Venus and Esther call me Prime. It is nice to finally meet you, Ianos." Then, another hum, "And who are these with you? Friends?"

Spotting the way the others hesitated, glancing at each other, Esther couldn't blame them. It was strange to bump into a possibly Warmind or at least, a Golden Age intelligence, without at least some violence involved.

Then, much to Esther's surprise, it was Spirit who took a step forward, "I am Spirit-9." Just like Ianos, he then subtly bowed, "It is a pleasure to meet you, Prime."

No sooner had the Exo Warlock introduced himself when Esther spotted the others' bravado grow, and it didn't take long for her to see the others take steps forward as well. That is when she heard Vulcan sigh.

"It is strange to see others besides you and Venus interacting with Prime." Esther couldn't help but pause at his words, "Usually it is just the two of you, talking for hours on end before having to end your 'patrol'."

"Then what Prime says is true then?" Esther heard Vulcan's clicks pause, "If that is the case, who is this Venus individual that I would come here with?" She waited, "Vulcan?"

"I-I shouldn't have said anything." Esther can physically feel her Ghost sink deeper into the back of her mind, "Me and my big mouth."

Frowning behind her visor, Esther flexed her grip around her hand cannon, gritting her jaw to shove the growing frustration down. She knows that further questioning her Ghost will not gain her anymore answers. Just more headaches. Instead, she turned her focus back onto the others, only to blink when she saw that Ianos had now taken the stand, arms folded, a hand under his chin as he listened to Prime attentively.

"I am glad to meet you all." The AI hummed, "It is a nice change when compared to just conversing with Venus-13 and Esther-8."

Once again, Esther can see Ianos' shoulder go stiff, hands around his weapon going tight.

"Prime." The Awoken started, "There is something you must know about Esther."

That, that caught the Hunter's attention, Esther coming to a sudden halt and ceased on her approach to the others. Prime released another soft hum.

"Oh? What is it? Did something happen?"

"You have heard of memory wipes, Prime?"

Recalling Prime's comment about Ianos being her 'brother', that is when it finally clicked for Esther. The way he looks at her, grief stricken but kept his distance. The two had been close before.

Before she could take a step forward and offer apologies, Prime's next words caused her to come to a halt.

"Of course, I am, after all, in charge of 'memories' for Exo."

The silence that permeated throughout the room was thick, almost physical, and Esther found herself slowly turning to look at the core in the middle of the room.

"I-I bet your pardon?" Spirit broke the silence, managing to find his voice first, "What do you mean 'in charge of memories for Exo'?"

"Memories or giving them 'life' if they are a blank slate." Prime clarified, "At least, that is what my handlers have told me."

"Then, you create Exo?" Esther managed to ask.

"Not physically, if you understand." Prime admitted, "As you know, Exo were created in the image of humanity, right down to intaking nutrients. However, for those who were 'empty', with no memory of being human, they need a basic program to function. As such, I was created."

"So, you give Exo personality then?" Now it was Carina's turn to ask, "Or something similar to like a brain?"

"Or a basic program, if requested." Prime then hummed, more than likely sensing Carina's bewildered stare; Esther couldn't help but follow that sentiment "As an example, thanks to your short stature and broad build, Carina-23, I would given you the program of 'soldier', one that specializes out in the battlefield and is capable of handling multiple hostiles. Or, for Spirit-9, considering his lanky build and reserved nature, would have been assigned the role of Medic or Archivist. And for you, Esther, would have been programmed for reconnaissance, thanks to your light build."

If Esther were to admit aloud, she would have said it was a lot to take in. Exo that weren't humans with transferred memories, just basic builds and programs built on what was needed or wanted back then. It was hard to believe but, it would put some perspective into place.

"We were just blank slates then?" Esther found herself asking, "We were nothing?"

"Perhaps?"

Esther reeled, "Perhaps? You are not sure?"

"As I have said before, my main function is working with memories or to implant basic programming. All the humans do is bring in the Exo – asleep – and I transfer everything that my handlers requested. Afterwards, they will move the Exo before they can regain consciousness. I do not know what happens 'after'."

"And you never questioned?"

Esther wasn't sure why she asked, why it mattered. But perhaps it was because now she feels like a crisis for herself and all the Exo present. Were they Exo built as a blank slate and implanted with a basic function? Or were they human that had their memories transferred? Whatever one it was, Esther had little time to properly ponder upon it as, after a brief silence, Prime spoke.

"I was just a simple program then, a blank slate, as you say." Esther then slapped herself; of course, Prime is more than likely an AI from the Golden Age. They too would have been created with nothing more than a simple program. "All I knew back then was to perform my tasks and then move onto the next one."

"What changed?"

"Time." Esther couldn't help but blink at Prime's answer, "Time to look at my surroundings. Time to observe. Time to learn."

"Time?" Spirit repeated, "You gain sentiency through time?"

And alone, Esther had wanted to add, but decided against it. Prime may seem benign now but who knows what would happen if they were to say or ask the wrong question. Or perhaps it was already tool late for that.

"How did you survive the Collapse?" Esther decided to ask, easily bumping Spirit's question out of the way.

There was a soft hum from Prime, this one filled with melancholy and understanding.

"Now I see why Ianos asked me if I knew of memory wipes. You have undertaken one yourself Esther. Otherwise, you would already know."

The frustration that Esther had managed to quash returned full force and alongside that, she felt her impatience growing as well. Wringing her hands together around her hand cannon, Esther tried to convince herself that she had let go of the past. After all, that is what her past self had wanted. But that doesn't mean she doesn't get curious, her inquisitiveness like an irritating itch she cannot reach.

"Do not fret, I shall answer, for your sake and your friends." Esther's frustration settled, just a little bit, "It was coincidence. One of the humans had decided to add upgrades to my system and as such, had shut me down to ensure proper installation. Then, the next thing I knew, I awoken to a deserted room, the elements having taken over." There is another soft hum, "It was not long after that I met you and Venus."

Taking in its words, Esther found her curiosity grow once more and, despite herself, she decided to let one question slip.

"Who is Venus?"

That is when Vulcan let out a shout, trying to slip from the confines of her mind and more than likely, cease Prime's attempt to answer. However, she expected this.

As soon as Vulcan's red shell appeared, Esther snatched him out of the air, clasping both of her hands and muffled his protests as he struggled.

If Prime had noticed, it gave no sign as it simply said, "Whoever had performed the wipe must have been proficient if you are asking that." There was a brief pause, as if Prime contemplated on its words, "You and Venus were close, close to the point that if one or the other dies, then would have certainly followed soon after."

"The two of you always seem to be together every time I see you, holding hands or carrying each other if you encounter hostiles. It was always intimate between the two of you."

That is when Esther felt Vulcan's struggles cease, and she sensed a sense of dread. He had given up. And Prime's words made Esther understand why.

"To simply put it, the two of you were lovers."

It was obvious, judging from the way that the mere mention of Venus' name would make Esther's core leap. Followed by a sense of grief or longing that she couldn't understand. Until now.

"How about the name Esther?"

"Why that one?"

Instead of answering, he laughed, "Well, besides the fact that is a better name than 'eight', it always means 'star'."

"Geez, I know that we are naming this clan 'Galaxy' but still…"

"Not because of the clan's name." She watched as he reached out and intertwined his fingers with hers, prompting her to give him a puzzled look, "For me, you shine brightly, your laughter lighting up as a star does the sky. And you are 'my' star."

"Esther!"

Shaking her head, Esther found her feet buckling under her, her head aching to the point where she had to release her grip on her Ghost and place a hand to the side of it. Then she turned to face who called out her name.

"Little brother!"

She laughed as the Warlock released a cry of surprise when the yellow Exo launched towards him, practically leaping over the stairs and almost collided into their fellow Chosen.

Almost.

The Warlock's reflexes were better, and Esther howled with laughter when Little Light slammed the palm of his hand into her fellow Hunter's chest, causing him to do a flip in the air and landing onto his back with an 'oomph'.

"Little Light?"

Ianos wasn't the only one taken aback by the nickname, for Esther reeled at how the words had left her lips. It wasn't intentional but, the name slipped form her lips so casually. As if she had known him for years. No, centuries.

"You sure you do not want a 'real' name, Little Light?" She easily sensed the narrowed glance behind his visor, a pause on polishing his weapon, "I mean, you do not let others call you 'Little Light' and I highly doubt you like being called 'Chosen', 'Risen' or 'Guardian'."

There was a brief pause, then a sigh, and the tension in his shoulders going slack.

That is when she decided to add, "We do not have to choose a name 'now'."

"…Fine." He relented, "but only you and Venus can pick out a name."

She blinked, "What? Why? Why can we not include Sun and the others into this?"

"Because they were the ones who chose the name 'Little Light'." He retorted, "And not to mention you and Venus always have the 'brightest' ideas." He smiled at her, "I am confident that you two will choose a good name for me."

"Ianos?" Esther said to herself, the ache now painful upon her head, "Little Light? Ianos?"

"Ianos?" She heard him repeat, and she giggled at the sight of Venus shifting nervously back and forth on the backs of his feet, "Catchy. What does it mean?"

"Well." She smiled as she senses Venus' nerves grow, "There are a few translations but, the final decision was 'Favored by God'."

That is when she saw him pause, his orange eyes flickering behind his lids before he snorted, "Is it because we were chosen by this 'Traveler'?"

Venus shook his head, "It is because of what you had been through." The humor in Little Light's eyes faded, "You had gone through Darkness and back. Only one blessed by a god could have stayed strong and unwavering throughout."

She spotted flickers of emotion, of sentiment, of gratitude in his eyes before Little Light glanced over his shoulder to his Ghost, the black and orange shell all too familiar to her before finally, he shifted his attention back onto her and Venus.

"It is acceptable."

She then laughed.

Esther had placed both of her hands onto her helmet, reeling from the memory. No, memories. She can feel them flooding them, her mind skimming through them in an attempt to ease the burden.

"Oh, come on Esther, it is just a simple walk through the City." She then felt his hand grasp hers. Gentle, and kind, as it always been, "They just built a new sector, Little Light and I are curious is all.

Although she heard the confidence in his voice, she couldn't help the worry, the concern tugging in the back of her mind. She knows this isn't their first excursion into the City but, she cannot shake the feeling that something wasn't right.

"I just have a feeling that the citizens down there will do something, brash."

He laughed at her words.

"Do not worry, I highly doubt the humans will attack 'two' Soldiers of Light on a stroll, even with all this anti non-human mumbo jumbo going on." She saw his optics soften as he then reached out with a hand and caressed her cheek, "We will be fine, I promise."

The memory. The same one she had before they had entered the archives however, this time her mind clasped on, keeping it a vivid memory. That is when she heard her Ghost, crying out, calling out but, she couldn't comprehend his words, deaf to their meaning.

She shoved her way through the crowd, her green optics wide as she spotted it: a body, covered by a cloak. And the patterned planets and stars gave it away on who it was.

Despite the claims of Exo having sturdier bodies than organics, the one in front of her had clearly sustained damage, the cloth is doing little to hide the indents, the broken pieces. It didn't help that she spotted the pile next to it.

A cry escaped her lips as she forced her way through the remaining crowd, easily prying herself from concerned hands as she collapsed onto her knees and draped herself over the body.

"Venus?" She whispered, pressing her hands around the cloth, around his face, "Venus? Venus!?"

Another anguished cry erupted from her throat as she buried her face into his chest, feeling sympathetic hands patting her shoulders, and followed by words of condolences. She didn't hear any of them, tuning them out as she mourned. That is when she heard sobs nearby.

Looking up, she saw Little Light, curled up nearby, his back pressed against the bars of the Plaza. It was obvious he had been beaten, the way his armor was rugged, torn, and the sturdier material indented. His pale face was dirtied, bruised, and held his right arm in a death grip, as if to stop a wound from bleeding. A wound that had long ago healed.

His Ghost is hovering nearby, whispering into his ear as he stared blankly ahead, tears trickling from his eyes.

"Ianos." She let his new name from her tongue, forcing herself away from Venus' body as she practically crawled towards the frozen Awoken, "Ianos. Little Light." She then grasps the front of his coat; that is when he finally blinked and slowly turned his eyes towards her, "What happened, Little Light?"

No sooner had she asked when his eyes grew wide, his breathing hitched, and she felt his body tremble in her hands.

"What happened, Little Light?" She repeated desperately, "What happened!?"

A sob burst from the Awoken and she found herself dropping him, the anguish in her chest fading, only to be filled by a void, an emptiness that she cannot comprehend. Turning her optics back towards the body, that is when she finally the broken pieces of a Ghost's shell laying next to Venus' side, the once brilliant yellow and orange shell of Neith now broken.

"They killed him." She snapped her attention back to Little Light, "We were just – they jumped us from behind. We didn't – we didn't expect them to attack."

"Who?" She reached out a hand, but stopped when the Awoken flinched away, "Who killed him?"

Tears were fresh once more as his lower lip trembled, his eyes shifting around, as if trying to comprehend his own words.

Finally, he spoke, "The humans."

"Esther?"

Snapping out of her recovering memories, Esther spotted Spirit reaching out and felt his fingers touch her shoulder.

"Esther, are you alright?"

Wanting to answer, Esther attempted to speak, only for a sob to escape her instead.

Rage bubbled within her chest as she stomped out into the balcony, ignoring the footsteps that trailed behind her. She then proceeded to slam her hands onto the rails.

"Why would they let this slide!?" She leaned over the rails, her green optics glaring down at the streets below; she made a face at the sight of non-Guardians below her. Human non-guardians. "They murdered him for Traveler's sake!"

Instead of an immediate response, she watched from the corner of her optics as Pluto leaned against the rails with her, his gaze also settling upon the bustling people below.

"The humans cried self-defense, claiming that Venus and Little Light had approached them –"

"And the Consensus believed it!?" She spat, "If Little Light and Venus had approached them first, then why in the Traveler were they seriously injured!? How was Neith killed so easily!? And Venus! He is known for his battle prowess, and you are saying that a handful of non-Guardians were able to kill him in 'self-defense'!?"

She heard Pluto release a breath, red optics firmly locked onto hers, "They took the humans side."

"Bullshit!"

"Believe me, Esther, I am just as upset as you are." Hearing his words, she turned her optics to Pluto, "For Light's sake, the rest of the Clan is upset as well. Sun is speaking to the Speaker and the others as we speak."

Gripping the rails, she grinded her jaw together as she spoke, "I thought they were supposed to be on our side, I thought that they would believe us! Especially since we're out there every day risking our asses while they sit back, safe and sound in their little offices like the cowards they are!" She can feel the metal bend under her fingers, "Is it because we're Exo? It is because we are metal and wires instead of flesh and bone?"

"…I can't answer that for you, Esther, you know this."

A frustrating answer, one that not only Pluto, but Neptune and the others would say as well. To her it was obvious, but sometimes she feels the others ignore it. Perhaps it is because they were resigned to such treatment.

With that, the anger faded, only for a sob to escape her throat followed by a strained laugh, "I cannot believe… I cannot…" She pushed herself from the handrails, "Pluto, I want to forget it all."

Pluto's reaction was instantaneous, his gaze snapping towards her, and his red optics wide, "Esther, what are you saying?" He too pushed himself away from the railing, "You know as well as I do that we took on a vow to never undertake a memory wipe once we entered the Clan."

"Then I am leaving it! She snapped, "Start a new life as a new Guardian here at the Tower at this so called 'City', be naïve of the so called 'leader's' betrayal to the Clan."

"Esther...why would…"

Seeing the hurt in his optics, watching them subtly dim, she squeezed her own optics shut, forcing the worse of her emotions down.

"I cannot go on without him." She answered, "I cannot go on without Venus." Releasing a stuttering breath, Esther opened her optics and forced herself to lock her gaze with Pluto's, "But Venus also loved this City with all his heart. I cannot neglect my duties as a Guardian. But I cannot do it knowing what they had done."

Despite her explanation, she watched Pluto keep a hand on the railing, as if to steady himself, as his red optics stared off into the distance. "You know as well as I do that if you go through with this, the Clan and I cannot make contact with you? That you cannot make contact with Little Light?"

She flinched, her hands curling into fists at the notion. Galaxy had been her only family as long as she had been resurrected, back when they no names, and Little Light, her little brother, had personally witnessed Venus' murder. How will they react when she tells them of her decision?

"I won't remember you, so it won't matter." She forced the words out, an ache grasping her chest, "Just inform the Vanguard, the Speaker, the Consensus or whoever is in power. Tell them that you and the others should stay away from me, to never work with me. So, Pluto, please." The grief finally overwhelmed her, her voice cracking as she finished, "Let me forget."

"I'm sorry." Esther blurted, feeling a tug, worry pulling in the back of her mind, "I'm sorry, I didn't want to abandon you. I didn't want to but…"

"Why would you do this?!"

Rage, anger, betrayal clearly can be seen in his orange eyes, tears flowing down his face as he grasped the front of her armor.

"Why would you be willing to wipe your own memory!? She saw his eyes shift, the anger quickly dissipating and replaced with guilt, "Was it because I was there, and I couldn't protect him? Is that it?"

Reeling at his words, the realization of the experience, his survivor's guilt, crossed her mind, "No, it wasn't-"

"Then why!?" She felt him shake her, "Why are you going through this!? Is this an excuse to leave the Clan!? Are you running away!?"

"No!"

"Then you are just going to abandon us!? Just like that!?"

Gritting her jaw, she turned her optics away, unable to give an answer. That is when a broken sob can be heard from Little Light.

"That's it, huh?" His grief, his broken voice, she wanted to embrace him, just as she had always done when he lost himself.

But, before she could even wrap her arms around him, he quickly let her go, backing away to put distance between them. She then saw him lift his eyes towards her, resigned.

"Goodbye, Esther."

"I'm sorry," She repeated again, optics flicking around the room, "I'm sorry, I didn't want to abandon you, I did want to but…" Her jaw trembled, "But I didn't want to remember."