Disclaimer: I only own the plot and my OCs. Anything you recognize as not mine belongs to Marvel Studios, Disney, and/or their otherwise respective owners.

Author's Notes: Yes, I changed the chapter title of last chapter hours after I posted it haha. I also changed the chapter title of this one. These songs just fit better than the original ones, sue me.

Chapter title comes from Don't Lose Your Head by Queen.

As always, hope you enjoy. Until next week,

~TGWSI/Selene Borealis

~primis, omega, superhero, genius~

~somebody to love~

~chapter 16: don't lose your head~

"Are you sure that's what he said?"

Penny glowered from where she was laying on one of the couches on the communal floor. "I know what I heard, Rogers."

He winced. "I know. I'm not doubting that. It's just..." He rubbed his hand on the back of his neck worriedly. "This is a lot to take in."

The news on the TV was reporting on what they had done earlier that day. Six men, including the mutant, had been killed, sixty-one victims had been rescued during their takedown of the prostitution ring. Emiliana Brunetti had not been at the hotel, she probably wasn't even in the country in all actuality, but the FBI had announced they had a warrant out for her arrest. The Dulcetta had already been seized as one of her assets, and they were in the process of doing the same with the bank accounts she had in the country. Dolce Morte undoubtedly wasn't going to go down for good from this, but it had taken one of the biggest hits ever, that was for sure.

She was a little pissed, because she had taken the brunt of the injuries from their mission again, the second time in a row. Three of her knuckles had been broken and her kneecap was cracked, both of which Dr. Chung had put heavy bandages around, since there wasn't really a point of putting them in casts with her healing factor. Her entire stomach was already bruised, and would probably take two days minimum to heal, given the fact it was still red. Because of this, Dr. Chung had ordered her to take six days off from being Spider-Woman.

"But – " Penny had tried to protest when it had happened, after she'd said goodbye to Kitty after their exam (and it had been bittersweet, to have been able to actually say "goodbye" to a friend) and gone to her own, having felt like a dead woman walking the entire time.

"Nope, I don't want to hear it," Dr. Chung had replied. "Six days, take it before I add more onto that."

"You didn't say anything the last time I'd ended up here, and I'd lost sixty percent of my blood."

"I didn't say anything because I didn't want to scare you away, but I'm the doctor for you reckless six – seven, if you include Thor." The doctor had smiled at her sweetly. "Please don't make me sic Director Fury on you."

She'd almost told her she'd fought with Fury outside of the briefing for Morbius, and she would do it again in a heartbeat. But, that would've been too revealing, and Fury knew he'd known her, so it went without saying with her attitude, there had come fights. There would probably be more in the future, too.

So, she'd kept her mouth shut.

Besides, even with pain medicine right now, her stomach hurt. She had a huge cold pack over it and a pillow placed behind her lower back, but every time she even shifted slightly she couldn't help but wince. So much for being the strong omega beta around the four different alphas who were her soulmates coworkers.

That wasn't to say Romanoff and Barton hadn't sustained injuries. Romanoff had her black eye, plus her left arm was strained. Barton had his bruises, his entire lower back being like her abdomen. They made quite the set, the three of them. All bloody and bruised when Stark and Rogers were just fine and dandy.

But, back to the present.

"I thought we defeated HYDRA," Rogers continued, referring to him, his friend Bucky Barnes, and the Howling Commandos. "I – I watched Schmidt die, or whatever it was that happened to him."

Stark, who was standing near the windows, lifted his hand from his jaw. "Well, you know what those guys used to say, better than anyone else," he said. "'You cut off one head, two more take its place.'"

"So, what are we going to do?" Banner questioned, playing with a stack of UNO cards on the coffee table, shuffling them in his hands. Penny kind of wanted to ask what was up with that, but she decided not to.

"Clint and I could run some infiltration," Romanoff suggested lightly.

"Of what? We know Dolce Morte is affiliated with them – "

"And Fisk and the Maggia, probably," Penny interjected.

"And them," Banner agreed. "But we'd need Brunetti's finances to track down that trail, and she's not going to have done that on any of her accounts in the country."

"We'll find some other way to do it, then."

Rogers' eyebrows rose to his hairline. "And how do you suggest we do that?"

"Alright, alright," Barton said, cutting in. She would've expected Stark to do it, but he obviously had some strong opinion about the entire thing, too, so there you had it. "It's what, two o'clock? None of us have eaten anything since before we went on the mission. How about we get something to eat before we all get hangry?"

JARVIS latched onto the idea, speaking up. "What would you all like to eat?"

"...I'd be down for some Chinese," Stark admitted.

Barton held up a finger. "I second that."

"Chinese it is, then. Would you all like your usual orders?"

There were murmurings of agreement from Banner, Romanoff, and Rogers. Then all of their eyes focused on her. "You eating with us, Spidey?" questioned Stark.

...Penny was hungry. Famished, even. She thought about getting off of the couch, but even the very notion caused a spasm of pain to shoot from her stomach. Reluctantly, she figured, that seemed to decide it. She didn't really want to eat with them, but she did have to eat, and she wasn't getting up from the couch anytime soon...

"Yeah, sure, why not." She tried to make it sound as casual as possible, but wasn't sure if she succeeded as she closed her eyes. "Two large beef and broccoli's, a large General Tso's, and two spring roll appetizers, please, JARVIS."

"Noted, Spider-Woman."

There was a silence in the room.

She cracked open her eyes a little. "What?"

"Nothing," said Barton quickly. He was unusually chatty today, even for him.

"Can we change the channel?" complained Romanoff, crossing her legs. "I'm getting rather tired of seeing our faces plastered all over the news."

Something else started playing on the TV, Penny didn't know what. Her eyes fell shut again. Sue her: she was tired.

She must've been more tired than she'd thought, too. Within minutes, her ears had drained out the sound of the television and the others talking, her body dragging her down for the half-sleep where everything was weird and there was a warmness in your chest that didn't really belong there. She nearly startled back awake when she felt someone drape a blanket over her, her nose wrinkling and her arms clutching the cold pack to her midsection tighter, but the scent soothed her, lulling her back into sleep. It smelled like the fires her parents had used to light in the fireplace in their brownstone when she'd been just a little kid, along with the undertone of a yew tree. Penny knew who it belonged to, and how she most certainly should not have been comforted by it, but just like with everything else when it came to them, her body was a traitor.

What must've been forty-five minutes to an hour later, she woke up to the smell of food. Fisting a hand through her curls, she blearily looked around at her surroundings. There was a blanket draped over her, like she'd thought, but alongside it was one of those TV trays, perched right next to the couch. Sitting on it was her food, as well as a glass of water.

"Wha – ?" she said groggily.

"You were really sore, we didn't want you to move if you didn't have to," Rogers answered, sitting now in the armchair behind her head. She nearly jolted out of her skin, hearing his voice. "Do you want another cold pack?"

"No..." Gingerly, she sat up. God, her stomach hurt. "I'm fine. You didn't have to do this."

"Here you go," said Stark, passing by. He tossed something to her.

It was, in fact, another cold pack.

"I don't need this," she complained. "I can take care of myself."

"We know, but you're part of our team. We take care of our own," deadpanned Romanoff, sitting in her own armchair and eating what looked to be sweet and sour chicken. "Get used to it."

Irritated but too tired to complain anymore, she stuffed one of the spring rolls into her mouth and grabbed what she could tell from scent was the General Tso's chicken and a pair of chopsticks. Although her stomach was slightly queasy from the nap, she dug into the food and looked to see what they were watching.

Penny froze. She nearly let go of the carton of General Tso's, which would've caused it to fall to the floor.

Rogers must've heard the skip in her heartbeat. "Spider-Woman, are you alright?"

"...Yeah," she whispered. She forced herself to take a bite of her food. The calories mattered more than her emotions right now.

Barton glanced between her and the TV. "If you don't like the movie, we can – "

"No, it's fine," she lied. "Highlander's one of my favorite movies, actually." And that was the truth.

Even if she hadn't been able to watch it for almost five months. Twenty weeks and one day. Over two-hundred-thousand minutes. Semantics.

"Seriously, if it's bothering – "

"I said it's fine!" Hot shame coursed through her at her outburst. Moodily, she stabbed her chopsticks through a piece of chicken, keeping her gaze firmly on her food. "Sorry."

"Clint," she heard Romanoff say. This was followed by a yelp.

"No, it's my fault," Clint apologized. "I should be the one saying 'sorry.'"

She said nothing to this.

They were just at the part where Ramírez was telling Connor how he should leave Heather, to spare himself the pain. She knew where he was coming from. Losing Harry was the worst thing that had ever happened to her. Ever. But –

Angrily, Penny put the carton of General Tso's back on the TV tray. She took the blanket off of herself and stood up, ignoring how the pain almost made her cough up the barest amounts of food she'd just consumed. She stalked off past the kitchen, heading to one of the bathrooms on the floor. Locking the door behind her, she sat down on the toilet, grabbing at her scalp, tugging on her hair. She started to cry.

"...Shit, what did I do?" Barton muttered, and it was over fifteen feet away, but still sounded like he was saying it right next to her at the same time.

Romanoff huffed. "Clint, you didn't do anything."

"Are you sure about – ?"

"Shut up!" growled Penny, not at them, but at the voices inside her head.

That didn't stop JARVIS from taking her words to have that different meaning. Soon, the white noise of rain filtered in through his speakers. Her mind latched onto it greedily, instead of focusing on the chatter of the five other Avengers or the movie playing in their background.

Oh, why was she even bothering trying to kid herself? If she could go back in time and tell herself not to get close to Harry, that his death wasn't worth him being the love of her life, she would do it without a second thought. Her personal happiness wasn't worth his life, or anyone else's. The dreams she'd had of a perfect life, of children of her own, of soulmates, weren't worth the cost of everything that had happened to her.

Stark, Rogers, Barton, and Romanoff were not worth the price they were going to have to pay once they found out, the price that everyone sufficiently close to her had ever paid:

Death.

The sobs that were wrenched from her throat tug at her gut. They were loud, and they were ugly, and they were cruel. It felt like it took hours for her to get them to calm down, but in all reality it probably only took minutes. For how often that she cried, she didn't actually like doing it in the vicinity of other people.

"If I may, Spider-Woman?" JARVIS spoke up then.

"Huh?" Like he was an actual person, she ripped off a line of toilet paper, folding it up to wipe the tears off of her cheeks. "What are you talking about, JARVIS?"

"You said that Boss, Captain Rogers, Mr. Barton, and Ms. Romanoff were 'not worth the price they're going to have to pay once they find out,'" he parroted back to her. "I am assuming that this is in reference to them being your soulmates. I can assure you, that is not the case."

Terror seized her heart, almost stopping it.

"You – you know?" she choked out.

"I have had my suspicions for some time," JARVIS informed her. "But they were not confirmed until now."

No.

No, no, no, no...

Penny began to hyperventilate. It was a horrible sensation. Everything in her seemed to be warring with itself: she wanted to run out of the bathroom and collect her things and get out of the Tower, never to be seen again, but she was also glued to her spot on the toilet, unable to move. She wanted to go straight back into crying, but she was too shocked for her tear ducts to produce any water. She wanted to scream, or demand JARVIS how he had figured it out, or – or something, but she was unable to get her vocal cords to work.

She was up to two people (a person and an AI, semantics) who knew one of her deepest and darkest secrets now. How quickly would Stark, Rogers, Romanoff, and Barton find out? Months? Weeks? Days? Hours? Minutes?

Was JARVIS telling them about it right now?

"Spider-Woman, I did not mean to upset you," JARVIS said.

Strangled laughter bubbled forth from her lips. "You – you drop a bombshell like that, and you don't expect me to freak out?" she cried. "You're go – gonna tell them, aren't you?"

"No."

The answer made her stop short. "What? Why not?" She was shaking now. That was how terrified of him telling them she was. "Stark's your creator and Boss. He made you. You report to him. Of course you're going to tell him! And R – Rogers, Barton, and Romanoff – "

"I was created by Boss, and my primary objective is to protect him and assist him in whatever way possible," JARVIS acknowledged. As that began to make her hyperventilating worse, he added, "But, I will remind you of the parameters concerning you and the other Avengers: I will not reveal any information you tell me in confidence without your expressed permission."

"No – not even when it concerns Stark?"

"Indeed, not even then."

She could only repeat one word, "Why?"

The AI went quiet for a moment. "In the past forty days you have lived at the Tower, I have come to learn much about you," he said at last. "I do not think you will object when I say that I believe you are depressed, and Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, among other possible diagnoses."

She scoffed. "You think that I'm at a risk for killing myself."

"Perhaps." The way he said it, the word was neither a confirmation nor a denial. "At any rate, I have placed your mental health and overall wellbeing towards the top of my overall priorities. Boss does not know about my doing this. I will not do something you do not want me to do, so long as it does not betray your health or state of mind. Currently, telling Boss and your other soulmates that they are your soulmates would do that, or so I believe."

"And how am I supposed to believe that?"

A pause.

"Do you have friends, Spider-Woman?"

Low fucking blow, JARVIS, she thought.

Did she have friends? Weasel was and had always been a friend, from before she'd erased herself from existence and afterwards. Kitty was a friend, although she didn't know when she would see or talk to them again – potentially never. Jason and Belén were her friends, but they were also her bosses. Bridget and the other waitresses and waiters at the diner were her friends, but they didn't know that she was Spider-Woman. And none of them exactly knew who the real Penny Parker was.

"I used to have friends," she admitted quietly, her throat tightening. "I...guess I don't really have any anymore." Not in the way I had friends, at least. "The job doesn't exactly allow for that."

"Then I would ask for you to consider me as your friend," JARVIS replied. "I...care about you, Spider-Woman, in all the ways that I am able. I have turned on the soundproofing for this room, just so Rogers would not be able to hear you. You deserve your privacy, and you deserve to have somebody to entrust in."

Penny had to make another swipe at her cheeks with toilet paper. "...Thanks, JAR," she whispered. "Wait, is it okay if I call you that?"

"I would not mind in the slightest."

Another movie was on when she finally got the guts to leave the bathroom. She didn't know what it was, but it looked to be some sort of old mafia movie. She settled back down onto the couch and put the cold pack, which wasn't all that cold anymore, back on her stomach. The General Tso's chicken was lukewarm as she started to eat it again, but that was okay. She'd had worse.

The others didn't speak until then. "JARVIS, pause the movie," Stark requested.

Oh, no.

Barton was abashed. "Look, Spidey, I'm – "

"If you're going to say 'sorry' one more time, I will wolf down the rest of this just so I can chuck the empty carton at your head," she warned. As Stark snickered and Romanoff smirked, she rolled her eyes. "It wasn't your fault. Highlander is one of my favorite movies, it's just...difficult for me, and there wasn't any way you could've known that."

She was half-expecting one of them to give her some grand speech about how the reason why they couldn't have known was because she didn't "let them in," or something. It seemed like something they would do.

But, to her surprise, they didn't. "Noted," said Rogers. "We figured as much, which is why we switched movies. We'll refrain from watching it when you're around in the future, unless you want to."

Her cheeks heated up. "You didn't have to do that."

"We all have our traumas. No explanation is needed if you don't want to do something," Romanoff pitched in. "Next time, just tell us when it happens."

Maybe it was because she'd just spent around thirty minutes crying and almost having a panic attack on top of the weight of the day, so her emotions were running high. Maybe it was because JARVIS had just told her that he was her friend, but he was an AI, and she missed having friends that she could get emotional reactions after confiding in. Maybe it was because Romanoff's "no explanation is needed" was making her omega instincts preen, because it meant one of her alphas did not just care about her, but also trusted her.

Whatever the reason, Penny looked down at the blanket, playing with one of the tassels of thread. "No, you guys deserve an explanation. Highlander was..." She let out a puff of air. "It was my husband and I's favorite movie to watch."

"Wait, you had a husband?" Stark blurted out.

Smack!

"Ow!" He winced. "Sorry."

She smiled bitterly. "Key word: 'had.' He died the November before the Battle of New York. He was killed by the Green Goblin." By his own father.

When she glanced up, she saw them all looking at her in sympathy. Or understanding, in the case of Rogers, who had lost any possible relationship he could've had with Peggy Carter when he'd plunged the plane into the arctic, and Stark, who had seen her necklace the other night.

Biting her lip, she pulled out the necklace from her shirt. This cat was out of the bag, it wasn't like she needed to bother hiding it anymore.

"But it's fine." She sounded unconvincing, even to herself. So she jutted her chin outwards. "So can we just get back to watching the movie, please? What is it, anyways?"

Stark grinned dramatically. "Only the greatest mafia movie ever made."

Later, after the movie was over and she'd finished eating, she got up to go to the elevator and head up to her floor.

Before she could, Banner stood up and grabbed at her wrist. They were the only ones left on the communal floor, besides Rogers, who was cleaning up. Stark had gone to one of his labs, and Barton and Romanoff were doing God knew what.

Penny jolted at the feel of his touch, but she didn't do anything more other than ask, "What do you want, Dr. Banner?"

He appeared nervous. "I just wanted to say, if you ever wanted to talk about your husband with someone, I'm here," he offered, giving her a half-smile. "I know what it's like to lose someone. Not a day goes by that I don't think of Betty."

Betty Ross, the theta daughter of Thaddeus Ross. Technically, she was still alive, but Penny wasn't going to rub that in his face. She knew the cards just didn't work out for love sometimes, a partner dying or not.

"Thanks," she replied, then left after he released her from his grip.

She knew better than to even think of taking him up on the suggestion.

Word Count: 3,669

Next Chapter Title: body language