I'm so sorry this took longer than I had intended. I had planned to post this just a day or so after Chapter 12 since they were originally written as one but as usual plans changed and things got in the way. We have had a super busy week leading up to the holidays. I fell asleep going over this in the middle of the night several times so as always I apologize for it getting only a fraction of the energy I wish it could. Thank you to all who reached out to let me know they enjoyed chapter 12. It means more than I can express to hear my work is being consumedand enjoyed. I'm sorry it will probably be another long wait for the next installment.
Content Warnings are the same as the previous chapter. The following content involves descriptions of realistic natural childbirth. Though it is not graphic it is representational of real life experiences. It is included with the intention to depict a life event that is often misrepresented, glossed over or left out of literature. If any of this makes you uncomfortable please skip sections marked CW. Other content that is in line with subjects and themes depicted on BSG2003 will not be tagged or marked for reference.
As always feedback for this or any other creator's content is encouraged.
Thank you for your time and patience.
LLA
NEW CAPRICAN COLONIAL TENT CITY;
COLONIAL MINING TUNNEL
BUNKER BELOW THE DWELLING OF SAUL & ELLEN TIGH
WEEK 41 OF CYLON OCCUPATION
CW
Few things in life had reduced Laura to such wordlessness. The death of her father and sisters, the realization that she was dying of cancer and now this. Labor was all consuming. Of course she'd known it would be difficult. Logically she'd expected the struggle but she'd never fathomed how ferocious it would be. Cramps she'd figured, terrible cramps. Like the ones she'd endured through life as a woman since adolescence, just greatly intensified, was what she'd assumed. She'd been so wrong. She hadn't been prepared for the impossible tightness encircling her body like a hellish serpent. Her back, her back hurt most of all. Even when the contractions would ease the pain and pressure in her lower back gnawed away through to her core without a moment of reprieve.
She didn't understand how there were people. How had the species survived? How had women done this daily for eons? How did most women go on to do it more than once? How had her own mother done it three times over? How could this be the way life was brought forth? Why did birth feel so close to impending death?
Perhaps it wasn't supposed to be this awful, she considered. Perhaps there was actually something very wrong or maybe her body just couldn't take it. Her past illness, her age, something that was causing the pain to be inordinately severe seemed more plausible than the realization that it was just the way it was for all women who went through it.
As she sat writhing upon the stacked mattresses within the New Caprican bunker a familiar sense of dread began to overwhelm her. Thoughts that she might not survive began to enter her mind. She remembered the feeling of being in Galactica's Life Station, suffering and hardly cogent with half a dozen people milling about. Surrounded by others and still feeling as though she were about to die alone. If she died right now her baby would die with her, she told herself. An immense rush of guilt tore through her with the next contraction.
"Laura, don't get lost," a soothing voice said as a cool damp rag was placed on her forehead. Laura looked up to see Ellen Tigh fanning her with an open book; one of Meri's guides to childbirth. "Focus. Don't let your mind run away. Stay here."
Laura closed her eyes as the book's cool breeze brushed across her sweat-dampened cheeks. Was it that obvious that she'd just let her fear take over? She hadn't said a word aloud. How could Ellen tell that she'd just allowed dread to derail her thoughts? Was she that transparent or was Ellen Tigh somehow that perceptive?
"Squeeze my hand," Ellen offered, noticing another surge of wrenching pain building.
Perhaps she really was just that sapient, Laura pondered for the briefest of moments before the anguish rose to its hilt and she lost all train of thought.
"Just think, Laura," Ellen spoke to her softly and evenly through her suffering, giving no indication of how hard her hand was being crushed. "Now you and I will have our own war story. Just like when Bill and Saul go on and on while we're playing cards or having drinks. Now I'll be able to say stuff like 'You should have seen her! She kicked ass, she was frakkin unstoppable!' and you can play it cool and say things like 'oh it was nothing. She's just exaggerating.' And the boys will just have to sit there and listen no matter how many times we tell it. Our very own war story," she mused as Laura fell back onto the pillows finally releasing her hand and panting to regain her breath. "That-a-girl. One more done and over with," Ellen encouraged.
Ellen had been the first to greet Laura as the escort barrelled into the tent with her in his arms.
"Thank Zeus you made it," she'd said as they entered.
"She couldn't walk anymore," Tory had blurted, rushing in behind them, her typically stoic nature markedly absent. "Is Cottle here yet?"
Saul stood from his chair watching on with a dumbfounded look of alarm as if he hadn't at all been expecting a pregnant woman to show up to give birth in his home.
"No. Meri is, though," Ellen answered as she watched Laura's escort begin to place her down.
"Can you stand, Ma'am?" he'd asked, hesitating to let her go.
Laura shook her head, unable to speak.
"Should I carry her down, Sir?" he'd asked, looking toward the Colonel, but Saul just shrugged like a bewildered little boy; wide-eyed and ill at ease.
Laura let out a sharp gasp and fell to her knees before the escort could brace her. Unable to stop herself she'd let out a low growl.
Ellen had rushed over, kneeling down beside her and bracing her back.
"Should I get Meri?" she'd asked.
Laura winced and shook her head again.
"Get rid of him first," she'd gritted into Ellen's ear, nodding in the direction of the stranger who had brought her there.
It wasn't that Laura was ungrateful for what her escort had done for her. Lords knew that everyone involved was putting their lives on the line for her protection. She was just so mortified to be in such a primal and vulnerable state in front of others, let alone someone she'd never even met before. She felt as if she were on display.
With an unspoken understanding Ellen went about doing as Laura requested.
"Thank you so much for bringing her to us safely. We'll take it from here," Ellen had addressed the escort, grinning up at him from where she knelt. "Saul, is there some direction you'd like to give this handsome young man?" she prompted her husband, but found him still staring at Laura mouth agape. "Saul," she'd called more firmly, finally gaining his attention.
"Huh?"
"You have one of your men here awaiting your orders."
"Oh. Right.," he'd said, finally addressing his former corporal. "Take your next post, Nedry," the Colonel blankly stated.
The man nodded in return.
"Gods bless," he'd said to them before turning on his heels and exiting the tent.
"He's gone, Laura," Ellen announced with a few reassuring pats to her back.
Laura responded with an inadvertent hiss, taking in a long stream of air through her teeth.
"Where the frak is Cottle?" Tory complained, unnerved by Laura's increasing suffering.
"Meri didn't send for him yet," Ellen told her without taking her eyes off of Laura.
"Why not? What's she waiting for? We're lucky this kid didn't fall out on the way here!"
"I doubt that, Tory," Ellen dismissed the young woman's frantic rant, keeping her focus on Laura's struggle. "Laura, can you tell me what's going on? Maybe I can help in some way or go let Meri know?"
Laura couldn't answer. She found herself muted by the pain. The involuntary vocal expressions of anguish were becoming harder and harder to suppress while actually forming cohesive sentences was becoming nearly impossible.
She knew they had to keep the noise to a minimum until they were underground but she could no longer trust herself. She was scared that if she opened her mouth to reply to someone she might instead let out something that she was trying like hell to hold back.
"We should get her down there," Saul spoke up, beginning to worry.
He'd never seen a woman in labor before. He knew it wasn't supposed to be a picnic but seeing Roslin brought to her knees by the pain had thrown him for a loop. He wanted to get her hidden before any more attention was drawn to the tent.
"I agree," Tory seconded.
"Can't," Laura had cringed, bending forward and leaning onto her forearms. "Not yet."
Ellen stayed close by as Laura's body hunched forward and became rigid. She held back a groan as her fingernails clawed at the rug beneath her that covered the tent floor's matting.
"Laura, speak to me," Ellen urged. "What do you feel?"
"I'll go get the nurse," Saul decided, heading toward the entrance to the bunker.
"Laura? Tell me what's going on," Ellen said again.
"Pressure," Laura finally spoke through clenched teeth.
"Pressure," Ellen echoed.
"Gods, is it coming now?" Tory fretted with a hand to her forehead.
"Tory, how about you take a seat for now," Ellen suggested, rolling her eyes at the nervous women whose helpfulness had ended at the threshold. There had always been something irritatingly familiar about her that Ellen couldn't place. "You seem like you had a rough walk over," she'd wryly added.
Tory had stayed put either due to obstinance or the fact that she was too busy anxiously chewing at her thumbnail. Unwilling to waste more time on her dramatics or trying to figure out who she reminded her of, Ellen's focus went back to Laura.
"Pressure and what else?" she'd asked as she heard Saul closing the hatch to the bunker behind himself. "Tory, get the rug," she directed the other woman.
Tory rushed over to cover the exposed access point, glad to be of use further away.
"Laura, what kind of pressure?" Ellen inquired once more. "Can you describe it?"
"Sharp, deep," Laura stressed. "Like a frakking knife!"
The new sensation had begun to make itself known not long after Laura's escort had lifted her into his arms during their trek. A sharp needling pressure deep down in her pelvis began to grow stronger and stronger. It was constant, separate from the soaring and ebbing contractions. By the time her escort had put her down at the Tigh's it had built up to a near piercing peak.
"Pressure," Ellen had repeated again, mentally going through the possible causes. She'd picked up one of the midwife's handbooks that was left down in the bunker and had taken to reading it while awaiting Laura's arrival but her last minute study session wasn't proving to be of much help. "Okay, Laura. Don't worry. Saul is getting Meri."
"Gods it hurts like hell."
"I know, sweetie. Blow it out. Like a candle," Ellen had said, as she demonstrated the breathing exercise she'd read about, but as she blew out short puffs of air over and over Laura was far too stricken to follow along.
Letting out a sharp gasp Laura inadvertently grasped for whatever part of Ellen she could reach and gripped on tight. She did all she could to stifle the shrill cry that was threatening to surge out of her lungs up into her throat to escape past her lips. She'd been just about to lose the battle before Ellen preemptively encircled her with her arms. With a hand to the back of the head Ellen guided Laura's face into the crook of her neck.
"It's okay, let it out," Ellen whispered into her ear. "Go ahead."
Laura wasn't sure if she would have been able to hold it back another moment longer or not, but with Ellen's calm reassurance and the wool of her sweater there to muffle the noise Laura let out an untamed shriek.
As she cried out into Ellen's neck the pressure in her pelvis surged with incredible force and suddenly with a deep pop it relieved itself when a gush of warmth flooded from between her legs.
"Frak!" Laura swore.
"What's going on?" Tory called from the other side of the tent.
"Oh," Ellen had remarked with a raised brow and bemused smirk as a pool of clear liquid began to puddle at their knees. "Well, that explains it."
Laura was so relieved to have the awful stabbing pain finally gone, but with the blessed release came a rush of shame.
"Gods, Ellen. I'm so sorry," Laura had said between heaving breaths of temporary relief.
"Make that the last time you apologize to me tonight, Laura. Understand?" Ellen had insisted.
Laura gave her a half nod in response, her mind still reeling from what had just occurred. She'd actually felt a frakking pop. When she'd thought of her water breaking she'd never imagined it would literally pop.
"This is insanity," she muttered to herself.
"It is not," Ellen returned, still bracing her where she sat on her knees. "It's natural. Besides, I didn't like this rug anyway," she'd teased with a wink.
Four thumps had sounded at the floor hatch catching all three women off guard for a moment.
When Tory pulled it open it was Meri who stuck her head out.
"Blessings, ladies!" she'd greeted. "What did I miss?"
NEW CAPRICAN COLONIAL TENT CITY;
LAVATORY FACILITIES BUILDING
WEEK 41 OF CYLON OCCUPATION
"Nice night," Chief casually greeted Anders outside of the latrines under its lit overhang, trying his best to appear as though he just happened to be passing through.
Anders nodded, taking one of the Colonel's hand rolled cigarettes from inside the breast of his jacket.
"Full moon," Chief noted, putting his hands into his pockets.
Glancing up toward the sky he moved a few steps closer to Sam. Close enough so that they could clearly hear one another without raising their voices over a dull mutter, but far enough apart so that it wouldn't appear as though they were having much of a conversation, let alone a planned meeting.
Every so often throughout the night a New Caprican Police officer would patrol the building making sure that no one was hanging around it past curfew using a visit to the facilities as an excuse to be out of their tents. For now it didn't appear as if anyone was around.
"I'll say," Anders said, glancing up at the overly bright moon as he clicked his lighter and lit his cigarette. "So what's the word?" he asked, holding it between his teeth.
Chief rubbed at his beard for a moment, checking their surroundings again without making it too obvious.
"Package made it to the destination safe," he replied.
Anders took a long drag and let it go.
"I'm ready to have my men go," he said as he kicked a tin can closer to the building's front trash bin that always seemed to overflow before anyone from Baltar's sanitation department bothered to empty it.
"Not just yet," Chief said, looking down at his boots. "Doc's not there yet. I don't want him rushing around in the middle of it. We wait until we get word that he's arrived. Then it's go time."
Anders nodded and took another puff.
His plan was simple enough. In fact, had Roslin's baby not been an excuse he would have hit the target he had planned sooner rather than later. Once he was given the go ahead from Tyrol he would signal his team to place and detonate two explosives within the cylon ground transportation facility. One near a tank refueling station and the other all the way across the lot between two recently fueled landrams. If all went as planned the explosions would each cause a decent fire that would take time to put out. As far as Anders was concerned he was killing two birds with one stone. He'd been itching to compromise their ground transportation for a while. It would serve well in taking cylon attention across the settlement and far away from where Roslin and her baby would be.
The only drawback was the probable aftermath. When the diversion plan had first been proposed they'd all known that it would most likely lead to an arrest for Tigh, Roslin or another well known resistance member. They'd all agreed to it knowing the risks.
"Sounds good," Anders confirmed as he exhaled a cloud of smoke.
Chief swayed on his feet listening for anything unusual. He heard nothing but the hum of dozens of generators running throughout the encampment and the buzzing of the building's shoddy electrical work that hung above where they stood. He looked up at the fluorescent bulbs that seemed to flicker and strobe every thirty seconds or so. He could fix it, he thought to himself, but frak it. It wasn't his job. Cally was right. All he did was try to fix everything around him. Too much was broken.
"Think it'll be enough?" he asked before clearing his throat.
"It'll occupy them for the rest of the night," Anders replied, flicking some ash to the ground. "That's for sure."
Chief looked up again at the strobing building lights watching as half as dozen moths fluttered around in its dreary erratic glow. He wondered if any of them ever became attracted to the light of the moon, brilliant as it was. He imagined one drawn to its opulent glow, attempting to get to it in vain, fluttering higher and higher unaware that there was no hope in reaching the incandescent source. He wondered if they ever died like that. Flapping their wings until they were exhausted, eventually giving up and falling back down to the ground to perish.
"I'll send word as soon as I hear from Tory," he told Anders.
With a curt nod and a final drag Anders flicked the butt of his cigarette to the dirt and walked off.
Once he rounded the corner of the building and was out of sight Chief counted to thirty and then left in the opposite direction.
NEW CAPRICAN COLONIAL TENT CITY; COLONIAL MINING TUNNEL
BUNKER BENEATH THE DWELLING OF SAUL & ELLEN TIGH
WEEK 41 OF CYLON OCCUPATION
CW
Two hours after getting Laura down into the old mine Ellen had hardly left her side but for a few times when she'd been asked by Meri or Ishay to quickly return up to her tent to fetch them more water.
Cottle's trusted medic, Layne Ishay, had arrived from another mining entrance shortly after Laura made her way down, but she and the midwife had yet to call for the doctor.
"Back on the colonies in hospital we'd usually wait until it was time to push before we called for the doctor," Ishay had explained, recalling her time as a civilian nurse before she'd joined the military. "Unless we encounter a complication of some sort we'll let him sleep for now. Poor old goat needs the rest."
The explanation had only served to remind Laura that there was even harder work ahead. The looming thought caused her nausea to return and Meri had to give her another bitter tablet to calm her stomach.
Though her focus was greatly compromised Laura had been surprised to see the lengths the others had gone to in setting up the underground space for delivery. She'd heard their plans at meetings and during exams with Cottle, but seeing it all put together had instantly filled her with an overwhelming mix of deep gratitude and crushing guilt over just how much had gone into it.
Plastic tarps had been laid out on the ground to cover the dirt floor of the area while another tarp was hung to cover the nearest stone wall in an attempt to keep the space as protected as possible. A platform of wooden shipping pallets had been built a foot and a half high and topped with two worn stacked mattresses. The top mattress was covered in a used but clean sheet and as many of the clinic pillows as Cottle's team could spare. A surgical cart and instrument tray had been transported down into the bunker. Between contractions Laura observed Meri and Ishay busily setting them up with tools and equipment from their medical bags. She tried to take note of everything they put out; a clamp, a handheld fetal doppler, a pair of surgical scissors, gloves, a suction bulb, but then she'd lost her focus in the throes of another spasm.
The mine had its own limited lighting that provided a warm amber glow, but Anders had been able to secure a high powered battery lantern which had been hung securely over the bed. It had yet to be turned on but was there as an extra or emergency light source. By the bed sat a few empty buckets that Laura shuttered to imagine the purpose of. Off to the side were two large electric fans and an old bar stool they'd sat the covered pot of recently boiled water upon. A portable tank of oxygen was propped near the tarped wall along with a backboard stretcher in case of an emergency transfer to the clinic tent. Several large plastic containers were also stacked nearby. Ellen scurried to them whenever Ishay or Meri asked for a towel or a cloth of some sort. She seemed to have the location of all their supplies memorized and Laura realized that she must have had quite a hand in setting it all up.
Beyond the little area they'd painstakingly put together the bunker was as it always was; rock and dirt with support rebar sticking out of the walls from the mining operations that had gone on when they'd first found the planet. From where Laura sat on the bed she could see the pile of old wooden crates and discarded junk where they usually sat for resistance meetings. She could see the old crooked desk Saul had hauled down months ago, where he sat and rolled his cigarettes as they spoke about the dire conditions and their plans to keep fighting another day.
There just a few steps away beyond the tarps and medical equipment everything was still dirty, dusty and cold.
Out of Laura's line of vision the corridors of the mine were occupied by half a dozen or more resistance members. Some served as lookouts and others messengers. Laura was all at once thankful to have them there to help and mortified that they could probably hear her cries of agony echoing through the tunnels. She had flashes of herself back at the podium in her freshly pressed suit and power heels, trying her damndest to emit a balance of authority and poise; a carefully constructed mask. Now everyone was seeing her in the most raw state of being she'd ever experienced. She knew that it was wrong to be ashamed of it, but no matter what Meri or Maya or Ellen or even the temple Oracle said, she couldn't help that she felt so frakking exposed.
"You're doing well, love," Meri told her after a while. "Let's check and see if it's time to call for Sherman."
Laura cringed. She detested the cervical checks. They were excruciating but the pain was secondary to the fear. She was all at once terrified that Meri would find that she still had hours left to endure and equally as terrified that she might tell her that it was time to deliver her baby. She was in agony and she wanted it to stop and yet she wasn't ready. She wasn't ready to let go.
"I bet you're almost there," Ellen said enthusiastically as she helped to prop a few more pillows behind Laura's back.
"Want to take a guess, ladies?" Meri asked as she snapped a glove onto her right hand.
"Eight," Ellen optimistically proclaimed.
"Seven," Ishay passively added from where she stood charging the battery of Cottle's portable fetal monitor.
Laura turned her head to the side and locked her jaw tight in anticipation of the grievous manual measurement.
She had no desire to play guessing games. The women around her had been so kind and attentive since her arrival but she almost resented their positivity and tempered joy.
They were treating it as if it were any other birth; excitedly awaiting the coming blessing. And why shouldn't they be excited? It was after all an innocent baby, a wanted baby, but their mirth made Laura feel a displaced anger. Once he was out she'd have to give him away and she just couldn't anticipate his delivery without acknowledging what sorrow would come after. Feeling as though she were dreading his safe arrival made her feel so badly for her son. The child deserved to be joyously welcomed. She'd been the one to insist that she carry the baby despite the possible stakes and consequences. She'd wanted him enough to risk everything. So many times over the past months she'd thought she was losing him, only to be so relieved when she hadn't. All the nights she'd bled so much she didn't think it was possible he'd still be alive, only to see his heart still beating on Cottle's monitor. All the times she'd worried herself sick, scared because he hadn't kicked in hours, only to rush to Meri who would find him with her ear to her little horn safe, sound and sleeping. Each time Laura had gone from preparing herself for possible devastation to praising and thanking the Gods that her baby was still with her. So why couldn't she muster the tiniest bit of happiness that her child was so close to being born alive and well? If she wasn't happy to have him then what was it all for? Why had she done it?
Because, she reminded herself, when it came down to it she couldn't find the strength to destroy her last chance of not being alone anymore. Because deep down she'd realized that she desperately wanted someone to love.
But Laura knew that love didn't always equate to joy. She had learned better than most that sometimes it brought nothing but heartache.
After waiting for another contraction to end Meri gently patted the side of Laura's knee with her bare left palm prompting her to part her legs further.
Laura immediately tensed at the touch.
"Try to breathe through it," the midwife told her as she began. "Relax those hips. I'll be quick."
"Just squeeze my hand when it gets bad," Ellen offered.
Laura glanced up at her as the exam began and as the deep aching increased she found herself oddly fixated on Ellen's genuine expression of compassion and excitement.
It was still so strange that she was even there.
Laura could hardly believe the woman beside her was the same flagrant lush who she'd first met on Galactica. Even with the acceptance that without the influence of excess booze Ellen Tigh was in fact a decent, though eccentric woman, Laura still found herself amazed at the true extent of her warmth and willingness. She wondered in the back of her mind if her awe over the other woman's kindness said more about her own character. Why was she so taken back by the actions of a tenderheart? Was she really as cold as some people assumed? So cold that she couldn't understand simple gestures of affection and goodwill?
"Eight!" Meri announced as she gently withdrew her fingers.
"Knew it!" Ellen said in celebration as she pushed some of Laura's dampened hair back from her forehead. "Almost there, Laura!"
Laura nodded before she threw her head back, overtaken by another contraction. The breaks between them were beginning to disappear.
"Mrs. Tigh," Ishay said as she came over toward the makeshift bed. "If you'll just head into the left corridor and keep going you'll find a man waiting a few paces down before the turn. Tell him we're ready for Doc Cottle. Then if you don't mind heading up to let the Colonel know we've sent for him?"
"Of course," Ellen agreed, but Laura's grip on her hand suddenly tightened.
"What? Now?" Laura cried in a growing panic. "Already? I'm not at ten yet! You're calling for him right now?"
"Yes, Ma'am," Ishay calmly confirmed. "It may take him a bit to get here. You should be ready by the time he arrives."
"But I'm not ready," Laura irrationally insisted. "I can't do this now," she claimed as if it were something she could put off or ask Tory to reschedule.
"We'll talk about that in a bit," Meri quickly interceded. "Let's just get through the next five minutes," she advised, redirecting Laura's train of thought. "Let's focus on some breathing."
"I'll be right back, Laura," Ellen told her, surprised to see that the poor laboring woman looked as if she truly didn't want her to leave. She had such a tight grip on her hand. "I promise, I'll be quick," she said as she began to tug it away.
"Please, Ellen," Laura said, keeping her grip. "Can you find out if Maya and Isis are okay?"
"Who?" Ellen squinted before suddenly recalling the names. "Oh right, your neighbor. The little girl. I'm sorry. Yes. I'll ask Tory. I'll be right back. I promise."
Laura finally let go allowing Ellen to get on her way.
Ellen's tears began the moment she'd turned out of view and made it past the tarp. She hadn't exactly expected them but they had come on so quickly and so furiously that she knew on some level she must have been holding them back for a while. She picked up her pace and went into a jog as more tears streamed down her cheeks and her breath began to hitch. Frustration ran through her veins as she thought of Saul's warning. She hated that he'd been partly right about her emotions becoming too involved. She could handle it. She was handling it, but he was right; it did hurt. She was about to witness the very thing she'd longed for most in her life, something she'd so desperately desired. When she'd given up on it she'd never considered that she would ever experience it any other way.
Becoming parents had been a dream that she and Saul had shared for so long. They'd planned it out even before they were married. She wasn't getting any younger, they wanted to try right away. They both very much wished for a little boy, but they knew they would be happy with either. They tried for years and years using countless methods and treatments and yet nothing ever came of it.
Ellen could still remember the day back home on Picon when she'd finally let their dream go for good. They'd driven into Queenstown early that morning before sunrise to arrive for a scheduled procedure. It was one Ellen had already been through twice without success. Between the pressure of planning everything around Saul's leave and making sure she'd taken her medications and injections at exactly the right times over the past several weeks Ellen had felt as if she were ready to break into a million pieces. She was stressed, anxious, irritable and sore from all of the hormones she was taking. They hardly spoke the entire ride into the city. Ellen had been unshakably optimistic before the last two attempts they'd made at egg retrieval; the first step at what would be the most advanced and invasive fertility treatment available in the Twelve Colonies. They'd exhausted all other efforts. Every time a new medication or procedure was suggested to them Ellen had been sure that it would be the one that would finally work. She just couldn't imagine a reality where it wouldn't happen.
For the most part Saul remained encouraged by the steadfast hope she held. At times over the years he'd even referred to the child they'd wished for by name. "When Liam's born we'll move to Caprica full time since the school's are better there," he'd planned, though as time passed he'd said it aloud less and less.
Ellen kept her optimism for years through everything they tried but that morning in Queenstown she'd known that it was markedly different. She'd gone in with darkness in her heart, as if she were already mourning something. She could remember leaving Saul in the waiting room.
"Have I ever told you how glad I am that I married you?" he'd asked, as he so often did.
Her eyes had watered and she took her cue to shake her head no. He'd embraced her and kissed her temple.
"Then I'll save it for a special occasion," he'd teased as usual. "I'll see you in recovery," he told her as they let go of one another and she walked off through the doors of the surgical center.
She remembered waking up shivering in the freezing cold recovery room and knowing that the procedure had failed for a third time the moment she saw Saul looking down at her with red rimmed eyes. She'd expected the news, but the sorrow on his face was something she could never prepare for no matter how many times she'd seen it. She'd failed him again. She'd failed herself.
"We can try again," he'd said, his voice cracking with a flicker of fading hope. "Right, Elle?"
She'd looked up at him knowing that it was time to extinguish that last flicker.
"I can't do it anymore, Saul," she'd whispered in surrender through quiet tears. "It just isn't meant to be."
After that day things were never the same. It was as if they'd lost someone who never existed.
Abandoning their dream of a child had very nearly torn their marriage apart more than once. It had driven Ellen to the bottle and magnified her worst habits and inclinations as she desperately tried to distract herself and move forward while the years went on. It did much the same to Saul and neither could help the other heal when they felt so broken themselves. Looking back Ellen wished they'd been able to pull themselves together. Maybe they could have adopted and built a happy family if it truly meant so much to them, but they'd handled their grief and disappointment in all the wrong ways and sabotaged any remaining possibilities with anger and recklessness. They'd punished each other over and over for years and neither had ever been able to stop punishing themselves.
Now more than half a decade and a world away Ellen was about to see the miracle of life emerging. Only it still wasn't her going through it and it never would be. Even so, it was miraculous to observe and she felt privileged to be there. It was the closest she would ever get and it was awful and beautiful and scary and wonderful and it was very nearly over. She'd been able to help another woman through her journey to motherhood, not without feeling sadness, but without feeling bitterness and envy. That was the true reason it had all become so strangely meaningful to her. For once she'd been able to feel the sorrow of grief without the oppressiveness of jealousy and resentment. She just wanted Laura and her baby to be okay. She prayed that once it was all over that maybe she'd finally be done grieving her lost dream. Maybe then she could stop punishing herself.
The clock was ticking and the harder Ellen cried the faster she ran.
NEW CAPRICAN COLONIAL TENT CITY; DWELLING OF SAUL & ELLEN TIGH
WEEK 41 OF CYLON OCCUPATION
"Would you pull it the frak together?" Saul grouced at Tory, sick of watching her pacing around his tent chewing on her fingernails like some kind of maniac. "What's wrong with you, Foster? Usually you act like more of a robot than the damn toasters."
Tory stopped in place and looked at where the Colonel sat whittling away mindlessly at a piece of wood with his knife.
"I'm sorry. I just never thought I'd see her like that. She's usually so…strong."
"And you dont think she's being strong as hell right now?" Tigh scowled.
"I mean, yes. Of course she is. I just meant she's usually so pulled together and unshakeable. I don't know. Of course I never thought she'd…" Tory paused, catching herself before she made a comment she knew Tigh would take offense to on behalf of Roslin and Adama. "The whole thing, it's just crazy," she finished.
"Yeah, well get over it," Saul said as he pushed the wood shavings on the tabletop into a neat little pile. "Your skills are needed tonight. You're of no use to anyone acting like a nervous wreck. Ya hear?"
Tory went to bite at her nail again but stopped herself, shoving her hands into her pockets.
"I'm just concerned fo-"
"Listen to me, Foster," Saul cut her off, looking at her with wide eyes and pointing the tip of his whittling knife in her direction. "You and I, we can't let anything frak this up. You get me? The last time the two of us tried to help Roslin we got sloppy. We screwed up and we let her down. We blew that damn election and where did it get us? Stuck down here in the godsdamned mud fighting for our lives. That's where. We're not doing it again. We're not frakking this up for her. We owe her. For that and a lot more. Understand?"
Tory swallowed hard. One of her greatest failures had just been thrown in her face and it stung.
Their botched election plan ran through her mind on a loop and kept her awake more nights than not. Looking back she could pick out ten different things they'd gotten wrong and half a dozen ways they could have gotten away with it. The Colonel was right. Roslin's presidential loss had been the beginning of the spiraling chaos. She would have never had them sitting there like lame ducks. Tory had seen it coming and so had . They knew disaster would follow Baltar, whatever form it came in. It was why they were both so willing to break the law, willing to frak with democracy and the will of the people. If they had only pulled it off. Maybe the cylons still would have caught up to them eventually or maybe they would have already made it to Earth. Either way, Tory knew she would have been able to sleep more soundly than she did knowing she'd blown it.
"Yes, Sir," she said with a nod of acceptance. "You're right."
"Good," he told her, looking back down to his pile of shavings. "Now get your shit together."
Tory nodded again and went to take a seat. As she crossed the tent a pounding suddenly came from beneath her feet causing her to nearly jump out of her skin.
The Colonel looked up and glared at her. It wasn't the first or even the fourth time someone had knocked from the bunker hatch that night and it wouldn't be the last. She really needed to get a grip.
With a look of apology Tory bent to pull the rug out of the way and then yanked open the hatch to find the Colonel's wife.
Ellen didn't bother to climb all the way up into the tent, poking halfway out just enough to be able to see where Saul was sitting.
"What's going on?" he asked, the worry evident in his eyes.
"We've called for Doc Cottle," she told him. "Your messenger was just alerted."
Saul nodded and then looked to Tory who had already taken her cue and gone for her coat to find Chief.
"Wait, Elle," he said as he saw her turn and begin her descent back down.
"What?" she asked, reluctantly taking a few steps up. "I've gotta get back."
"Is something wrong?" he asked, leaving his seat and taking a few careful steps toward her as some wood shavings fell from his lap to the floor.
Ellen shook her head.
"She's doing fine. She's okay so far. Baby's coming."
Saul looked down at her.
"You look like you've been crying, Elle," he observed, pained to see her looking so obviously upset.
"It's dusty down there, Saul," she claimed, avoiding his concern. "It's making my eyes burn. I've gotta go."
Saul nodded, reluctantly accepting her answer.
"I'll get the hatch," he told her.
As Ellen began to descend the stairs she suddenly remembered what Laura had asked of her.
"Oh frak. Saul, the child," she said as she took a few steps back up. "Laura's neighbor, the young teacher with the baby girl. Laura's very worried-"
"They're fine," Tory called from where she stood about to head out into the night. "Tell her don't worry. They're fine."
Ellen watched Tory slip out of the tent.
She bit her lip and began to descend into the bunker again.
"Love you, Elle," Saul said to her as she sank lower beneath the ground.
He saw her nod before he closed the hatch.
NEW CAPRICAN COLONIAL TENT CITY
WEEK 41 OF CYLON OCCUPATION
Laura Roslin's tent was dark and quiet, as was the tent belonging to the neighbor who worked with her at the school. Caprica headed for the clinic wondering if perhaps Roslin had been taken there after all, but without going inside she couldn't be sure.
Whatever the case, she'd decided the instant she'd seen her that she had no intentions of alerting the other cylons. What surprised her most was that she felt driven to make sure that they didn't find out on their own, at least not yet. She knew Roslin would be terrified to give birth in cylon custody. Though Caprica was worried for the baby's safety she couldn't bring herself to be the reason Roslin had to deliver her child in fear. She no longer held much hope for an amicable agreement between Roslin and the cylon doctors. John would take the child eventually one way or another. Roslin too, she supposed. Whether John would eventually give the boy back or keep him from her, she couldn't be sure. All she knew was that she prayed the little one would arrive safely and peacefully and that he would get to bond with his mother before the rest of the world came to take them apart.
"Out for a moonlit stroll?" a voice said behind her, causing her to whip around in alarm.
"What are you doing out here so late?" a Three inquired with an arched brow. "Or should I say early?"
Caprica swallowed as she looked the Three up and down. It was D'Anna.
Without even considering why her sister was out at the same ungodly hour Caprica decided she needed to do whatever she could to get D'Anna away from the encampment. Somewhere within one of its tents Laura was about to deliver her child and the less cylons around the better. At least for the time being.
"I'll ask you the same," she countered, crossing her arms against the chill in the air and taking up her stride again, hoping D'Anna would begin to walk with her.
She was more than relieved when the Three did just that. Her goal was to lead her away from the tent rows and toward the cylon residential building.
"Can't sleep I'm afraid," D'anna replied as they walked. "And you? Trouble at home?" she teased.
"That's none of your business," Caprica scowled.
She was annoyed with the snide remark but glad that D'Anna seemed to have no idea about Roslin's condition.
"Slighted again?" D'Anna continued to needle. "You know Six, he's a selfish little man. Selfish like all humans. He'll only keep hurting you. You're a fool to keep going back."
D'Anna could taunt her all she wanted, Caprica decided. As long as she was ridiculing her she would be distracted enough to get away from the Colonial tents and hopefully go back to her quarters once they parted.
"Call me a fool. At least I know what it is to be in love," Caprica returned, causing D'Anna to snicker.
"Is that supposed to make me envious?"
"It should," Caprica bit back as they walked. "We have the capacity to love and be loved. Maybe if we let ourselves do more of it we wouldn't be so frakking angry."
D'Anna shook her head and rolled her eyes as they walked along.
"Well that's a sweetly stupid philosophy but the only love I need or anyone else needs is the love of God. You remember that, Six," she advised.
Caprica sighed. Frustrated with the Three's lecturing, she stopped in her tracks for a moment causing D'Anna to do the same.
"Maybe that's what God is," she posed as they stood there under the moon.
D'Anna's brow lowered
"Maybe God is what?"
"Love," Caprica said with a shrug. "Maybe God is love."
D'Anna stood there considering how she would respond to her sister, but before she could manage to come up with anything two loud booms suddenly sounded in the distance one after the other.
"What the frak was that?"
NEW CAPRICAN CYLON ADMINISTRATIVE BUILDING;
OFFICE OF JOHN CAVIL
WEEK 41 OF CYLON OCCUPATION
"Baltar was so confident that his miraculous cancer cure proposal was going to suddenly turn that woman into a benevolent soul. What a crock," Cavil complained at his desk.
"You have to admit it was a good angle," Boomer shrugged with a yawn from where she sat on his office sofa.
She'd accompanied him at the detention center for most of the day and into the night as he interrogated a prisoner, a suspected resistance member caught allegedly serveiling the headquarters of the New Caprican Police department. John had intentionally kept the man up well into the night hoping that exhaustion would elicit a willingness to divulge more information. Watching the One work was mentally draining. Boomer wanted nothing more than to head to bed once they'd left the prison, but John had insisted that she escort him back to his office to debrief. Somewhere along the line, frustrated over the lack of information gained from the Colonial prisoner, John had started to rant about anything and everything that came to mind. As his anger grew the topic turned to Laura Roslin.
"It was nothing but a waste of time," he went on. "Humans are selfish to the core. Roslin couldn't be swayed by the opportunity to save the people she claims to care for from a disease she herself has suffered."
Boomer shrugged. She'd done her best to respond enough so that he wouldn't be angered by her disinterest but minimally enough so that his ranting moved on faster without her input. She just wanted to sleep.
"If anything was going to make her go for it, that would have been it," she replied. "It still might."
"In what dimension, Eight?" Cavil balked.
"The child isn't born yet," Boomer contended. "Once she actually has an infant and she's trying to provide him safety and nourishment she might be more receptive to our offers. Right now it's not as real to her. If she can give him a more stable life with our help while providing a chance to save others from suffering in the future it might become the incentive we were hoping for. Being a parent changes people. Suddenly they're willing to do things they never thought they would."
John shook his head as he swiveled to and fro in his desk chair.
"Eight, how long are you and Six going to keep up your fantasy idealism and keep on wasting our time?"
"That's why we came here," Boomer snapped. She was far too tired to be ridiculed. "If you want us to give up on it then maybe we should leave."
"And go where?" he challenged with a wry smirk. "You know sometimes you're painfully naive," he chastised. "I want Roslin in our custody soon. We can't risk a complication arising during childbirth. The Fours say that human mothers in her age bracket are more susceptible to hemorrhages and strokes. I want her alive."
Boomer sighed and frowned. Maybe he was right. She agreed with Caprica that Roslin's imprisonment would do them no favors with the Colonial people but they were getting nowhere with public opinion anyway and the baby was due soon.
"If she dies we lose all the influence she carries with her."
"I could give frak all about her so-called influence over her people anymore!" John shouted with a fist to his desk."I want her alive so we can figure out what the hell Baltar did to her genetic makeup. If she's passed it onto the baby it's all well and good to figure that out too but the answers may still lie within her. Especially if Sister Six is right about Roslin's ability to tell us apart. Until I know how I want to use it I need her self righteous heart beating."
"She's been doing well according to Caprica and Simon," Boomer reminded him. "The complication she started out with is gone. She's strong. I'm sure she'll get through it okay. My mother was around her age when I was born. She did fine," she shrugged.
With his eyes narrowed John stared at her for a long silent pause.
"No she wasn't and she didn't, Eight."
"Huh?"
"Do you even hear yourself?" he heckled. "Your mother? How many times do you need to be reminded? Those weren't your parents. None of it ever existed. Not your father, not your mother or your frakkin little dog."
Sharon's heart sank and her cheeks burned with embarrassment. It wasn't new information by any means. It was just so hard to remember sometimes. Every time she slipped up and then suddenly remembered that it was all a lie it was as if the rug was pulled out from beneath her feet all over again. She had such a clear memory of her life on Troy, of her parents and her childhood. Such intricate details still filled her mind, like the diner her parents ran where the local quarry miners used to eat lunch. She remembered her elementary school and the gift her father had given her the day she'd enlisted in the service.
The lengths the cylons had gone to with their sleeper units' false history was astounding. When Boomer had returned to her apartment in Caprica City she'd taken stock of the items in her home. There was the little elephant statuette her father had given her, her childhood dog's old collar, and even a photo of the people she recalled as being her parents. Every part of it was a lie. It was all fabricated. Try as she might, she couldn't remember when it had all started. When had she been put on the Colonies to begin life as Sharon Valerii? Logically she knew it must have been right before she signed up for the military, but there was nothing she could pinpoint, no day or moment where she could discern where the false past ended and her life as Sharon began. She wished that when she'd been turned on and activated that the false memories would have faded away or at least become less real, but they hadn't and some days it was the most torturous part. John knew it hurt her.
She'd loved her dog; the little white curly mop who slept at the foot of her bed as a child. She remembered how much her dog had loved her back. No it hadn't. None of it was real.
In her mind it was cruel to have programmed her in such a way and sometimes she wondered if John and the Ones had been responsible for it. Part of her wondered how they could do such a thing, but then again she considered she wasn't much better at this point. She'd stood beside him all day denying a man food, sleep and water.
"Right. I just…It's all still so strong in my mind."
"You'd do yourself a favor to forget all that," John taunted, knowing it was impossible.
"Fine, I have no father," Boomer huffed in frustration. "I have no mother. Happy?"
"Now I didn't say that," he goaded with an irritating smirk.
"What?" she squinted.
"All in good time, pet," he teased her with a wink.
As exhausted and frustrated as she was, it was the obnoxious wink that set her off.
"Stop calling me that," she demanded as she stood from her seat and her fists clenched at her sides. "And what the hell are you talking about? All you do is talk in damned riddles! If you're trying to drive me crazy, good job. It's already worked!"
"Not at all," Cavil replied, leaning back in his seat as if to better enjoy the Eight's aggravated display. "I just have my own secrets that you'll know when it's of use. Before that, there is no point in mucking up that hard drive you call a brain."
Boomer's anger began to surge within her chest and for a moment she hated how closely she had attached herself to the One once Caprica had reunited with Baltar. John taunted her, frakked with her mind and belittled her, throwing her bits of affection between the abuse. She hated him, but once she and Caprica had grown apart he had taken her under his twisted wing and made her feel needed. She didn't feel needed anywhere else in the world anymore. She'd told herself it was better than being alone and useless, but Cavil's tactics and reasoning were starting to wear on her. After having been with him all day at the detention center and witnessing his treatment of the prisoner she could hardly stomach looking at him. There was so much he did that she didn't understand, so much she knew he was keeping from her. She'd become his accomplice and she hardly knew what it was they were doing.
"What the frak have you been up to with Col. Tigh's wife?!" she suddenly shouted, more as an accusation than a true question.
"Don't tell me you're jealous?" he needled, amused by her sudden loss of control.
"That's not an answer!"
Cavil shrugged.
"What most men get up to with her, I presume," he mocked, pleased with his own joke.
Boomer shook her head in disgust.
"It's not enough you have to have the XO arrested and tortured, now you're frakking his wife too?"
"I told you. She and I are old friends," Cavil teased. "She owes me a few favors. She owes us all."
"What?" Sharon scoweld, but before she could ask him what he meant a loud boom sounded from outside of the building. "What the frak was that?" she said as they both looked toward the office window.
Another boom quickly followed and they both rushed to lift the blinds in time to see two thick pillars of smoke billowing up from the transportation lot.
"I'll tell you what that is, Eight. That's the race you so badly want to coexist with."
NEW CAPRICAN COLONIAL TENT CITY;
COLONIAL MINING TUNNEL
BUNKER BELOW THE DWELLING OF SAUL & ELLEN TIGH
WEEK 41 OF CYLON OCCUPATION
CW
Not long after Cottle's arrival and Ellen's return two low booms could be heard through the mine's corridors causing the walls of the bunker to vibrate. They'd been warned during planning and had expected something like it. What they hadn't accounted for was the dust it had kicked up into the stagnant underground air. Though their hanging tarp had provided some protection and though they did their best to use their fans to blow the dusty air away it hadn't quite been enough to stop Laura from suffering some ill effects. With her throat already raw from hours of guttural expressions of distress the irritating dust had caused her to cough quite violently. She'd lost her breath and struggled to regain it through the pain and panic. The oxygen tank had been brought over and she'd been wearing its mask over her nose and mouth ever since. After her breathing and heart rate had stabilized Cottle examined her. By then she was fully dilated and well within the strife of transition.
"This is it, young lady," Cottle had told her. "Time to get this nugget out."
He'd expected that she'd be more than ready after laboring all day and through half the night. He thought she'd be glad to get it over with. He certainly hadn't expected her to protest.
"No. No not yet," Laura objected as she took the oxygen mask from her mouth. "Please. I can't do it. I'm not ready."
"Ready or not, this kid's coming," Cottle told her.
"Frak! This is absurd!" she shouted out at no one in particular, overcome with not only the persistent agony but the fact that she still couldn't quite believe what was happening.
"Now listen, this isn't some bad bureaucratic proposition. It's not absurd. It's a physical inevitability," Cottle sternly reminded her.
"It's okay, Laura," Ellen attempted. She felt a rush of excitement and nervousness begin to pulse through her veins. It was the culmination of months and months of Laura's energy and effort and finally the time had come. "Don't panic. Keep breathing."
"It feels like I'm about to break in frakking half!" Laura cried out.
"That's his head starting to come down, love," Meri told her as she brought some fresh towels to the bedside.
"I can't take it anymore," she gritted.
"There's a good way to end that ya know," Cottle deadpanned.
"Very funny," Laura snapped in his direction before being overtaken by another vicious contraction.
"I'm serious, Laura," the doctor pressed. "His heart rate is stable now but every contraction compresses him and slows it down. Now that's normal as long as it recovers. And it is recovering each time so far, but the longer this goes on the more exhausted the both of you are going to get. Let's not wait until his heart rate slows and you're out of steam. You can help him by pushing him along before that happens."
"The frak I can! I don't even know how!" Laura argued, lashing out through the pain.
"Meri," Ellen called, looking over at the midwife who stood smirking with her hands on her hips. "Can you give her some instructions, maybe?"
Meri let out a cheeky little chuckle, unbothered by all the shouting around her.
"She's been pushing for the last six contractions," she said with a shrug.
"She has?" Ellen replied in surprise.
"You sure about that?" Cottle frowned at his holistic counterpart.
Laura was as surprised to hear it as the rest of them. Had she? Was that what it felt like? It suddenly dawned on her that the inclination she
had to bear down against the pain and pressure was just that. She felt foolish that she hadn't realized what her own body was doing, but she was instantly relieved to know that it wasn't some strategic endeavor. Maybe she actually could do it.
"Seems like it to me," Meri confirmed to the doctor. "I'm fairly certain she's been bearing down with each contraction for at least the last fifteen minutes. I can usually tell by the way they start to seize up, the way the vocalizations get lower in range. Once they're at ten it's more of a reflex. Most women couldn't resist it completely if they wanted to. It's not easy to fight off the impending need. Most deliveries in a medical setting use guided delivery like you're used to, Sherman. That along with commonly used anesthetics often makes the involuntary attempts at expulsion less noticeable. In the home setting we usually let them push as their body does or as they feel the need. At least until crowning," she calmly explained before turning back to Laura. "The urge will get stronger the more he moves down. Soon you won't be able to hold back so keep going into it just like you have been."
"Hear, that Laura!?" Ellen said, enthusiastically rubbing her shoulder "You're already doing it!"
"Well look at you, ahead of the game," Cottle mused. "Should have figured as much."
Meri moved closer to the bed and gingerly took hold of Laura's wrist to take her pulse.
"Sherman, let's give her a little more time on her own before we begin to direct, if that's okay with you?" she advised. "Especially since she seems so apprehensive to push on command. We'll check where his head is in another fifteen minutes and see if he progresses."
Cottle let out a short huff. It wasn't the way he was used to working but he admittedly was no expert on childbirth. He'd arranged for the midwife's attendance because he wanted her assistance and input. Meri had gotten Laura this far. She was in fact doing remarkably well considering the circumstances and the risk factors.
"Fine with me as long as her vitals are good, but I want that doppler on her every other contraction, Ishay."
"Yes, Sir," the medic replied, grabbing the little battery operated fetal monitor from her coat pocket.
"The moment that baby's heart rate shows any sign of dipping we're out of here," Cottle stressed.
"See, Laura? I told you your body would know what to do," Ellen commended her through another bout of pain. Now that she knew they were at the point of delivery she felt even more compelled to cheer her on. "Every contraction is pushing him forward. Just go with it. Let him come," she preached until the tension in Laura's body ceased and she fell back limp against the pillows panting.
"Ellen, did you ask about Hera?," Laura spoke between taxing breaths, only realizing what she'd done once it was too late.
Her heart felt as if it stopped dead in her chest and her face immediately began to burn with anger and shame over the grave mistake she'd made. She couldn't believe what she'd just done and the next contraction that hit felt like a punishment she had coming.
"Breathe, Laura," Ellen prompted, noticing Laura's distress. She grabbed her open book and once again began using it as a fan. "C'mon, breathe," she continued as she observed the deepening redness in Laura's cheeks. "Is it the dust again?"
Suddenly she recalled reading that flushing could be a sign of a dangerous spike in blood pressure.
"Take a frakkin' breath, Laura," Ellen urged again, but despite her best efforts Laura couldn't seem to do it.
Encumbered by the immense pain and crushing guilt her larynx tightened against her inner strife.
"Doc!" Ellen called out in alarm.
She was beyond relieved when finally Laura gasped, her body going lax against the bed. The redness in her cheeks immediately began to fade.
"Here, put this back on for now," Ellen inisisted, picking up the discarded oxygen mask and placing it back over Laura's nose and mouth.
"What's the problem?" Cottle barked, rushing over in a hurry and grabbing Laura's wrist to check her pulse.
"I dunno," Ellen replied as she backed away to let Meri take her spot. "She seemed to lose her breath again all of a sudden, but she wasnt coughing this time. She turned so damn red. I got nervous."
"Cuff," Cottle called out, but Ishay had been right on his tail as he'd rushed over and she had it ready before he'd even asked.
"Take some deep breaths, dear," Meri tried to soothe. "Ellen, would you get her a fresh cool compress?" she asked as she wiped a bit of perspiration from Laura's brow with a dry cloth.
"BP is alright," Cottle said, removing the pressure cuff, "but it's sure higher than it was. What happened, Laura?" he questioned, more or less confident that she'd had some sort of panic attack.
Laura glared at him from behind the oxygen mask.
What did he want her to say? What could she say? That she'd frakked up royally and let out the most precious secret they held? That now she knew she couldn't trust herself with Hera's well being? That now she realized that she could very well be broken and disoriented by pain and fatigue if the Cylons ever decided to use it? She couldn't tell him there, not yet. She couldn't say much of anything to him, overtaken by yet another bout of anguish.
"Just breathe through this one, love," Meri told her. "Don't push if you can help it."
Ellen returned with the cool compress. Meri took it and put it to Laura's neck. "That's it. Take it easy for a moment. We can't have you wearing yourself out just yet. You can push with the next one."
"Don't panic on me now, young lady," Cottle told his patient as she rode out the contraction. "I was just telling Ishay how impressed I am with your composure and stamina. You've come this far."
Once she seemed to have regained her breath and her blood pressure leveled out the others dispersed leaving Ellen at her side.
"I'm sorry, Laura. What were you asking before?"
Laura couldn't be sure if Ellen had heard her or not. Making any mention of the slip would only draw attention to it. She'd just have to pray it hadn't registered and deal with it later.
"Maya," Laura said, pulling the oxygen mask from her face. "Did you ask about Maya and her daughter?"
"Oh! Oh yes. Maya. I'm sorry. Yes. I did. Tory says they're fine. She said don't worry about that," Ellen reassured, taking the mask from Laura's chin and pushing it back over her nose and mouth.
"Ellen, listen," Laura began, pulling the mask right back down again. "If we don't make it-" she wept, sounding suddenly desperate and hopeless.
"No, no, no. Laura! Don't start talking like that," Ellen intercepted her cries. "You're doing great. Nothing's wrong. It's perfectly fine. You just got a little out of breath. He's coming!" she beamed, before Laura was swept up into another brutal wave. "Push, sweetie. Push him down. You've got this," she continued to remind her over and over until it eased into another momentary reprieve. "That's it, Laura. See? You're doing it!"
"Just listen, Ellen. Please?" Laura resumed her distraught appeal. "Tory knows most of my wishes but if Bill ever makes it back and I'm not here I want you and Saul to tell him what happened. No one else. He loves you two. I want you both to be there for him when he finds out."
"All he's going to find out is that he has another son who is alive and well just like his mother," Ellen firmly insisted as Laura gripped her hand and began to bear down again.
"Push with it, Laura. Go ahead. Good, good girl. It's almost over," she persuaded until Laura fell back against the pillows again.
"Ellen, please, godsdamn it! Promise me you'll make sure Saul is there for Bill. Please?"
Ellen sighed as she took the damp cloth and dabbed at Laura's overheated temple. She hated to invalidate the poor woman's fears but her inclination told her not to indulge them. She just wouldn't be part of letting her imagine an outcome where she and her son didn't survive to see morning.
"We'll always be there for Bill. Okay, Laura? I promise," she quickly and honestly pledged. "Now you promise me you'll stop this melancholy bullshit right now! You're doing amazing. Look at all you've done! You've grown this baby all these months, protected him and cared for him. Now you get to meet him," she lectured as Laura's body seized up again. "Don't fight it. Don't hold back. Push. Let it happen."
"Frakking feels like my back is breaking!" Laura shrieked."I can't do it anymore!"
"You are doing it, dear," Meri said, appearing opposite Ellen on the other side of the bed. "That's his head against your sacrum. It means you're doing it right and he's moving down," she explained. "Ellen, let's get her on her knees, allow that pelvis to open up and give him a little more room," the midwife prompted the other woman to assist.
With some minimal protest they soon aided Laura into a kneeling position each lending a hand for her to hold in support. With the next contraction Laura experienced an overwhelming urge to bear down harder than she'd even thought possible. The surging downward force elicited a wild growl from deep within.
"There we go," Meri said, looking pleased. "Now we're getting somewhere. Sometimes gravity helps."
As the pressing urgency to push eased Laura leaned forward on the bed to rest and catch her breath.
"Feel this, mama?" Meri said as she ran her fingers down the thin damped fabric of Laura's nighty to the lower part of her spine just above her tailbone. "Ellen, you try," she insisted, pointing out the location of interest. Without hesitation Ellen lightly ran her fingers over Laura's back following Meri's path. "It's a little temporary bulge called the rhombus of Venus," the midwife told them. "The back isn't breaking but a small kite shaped bone is moving back to give baby more space."
Ellen caressed the little protrusion with utter fascination. As awful as it all seemed she couldn't help wondering what it felt like.
"Why did I think I could do this?" Laura cried out. "This is Impossible. I wasted everyone's time, wasted your energy doing all of this to help me but I can't keep going."
"How about some water?" Meri suggested, offering some assistance without engaging with Laura's irrational lamenting. "Ellen, can you go up and get her some fresh water?"
"Frak no, Ellen, don't you dare! Don't go!" Laura shouted before Ellen even had a chance to reply.
Laura was shocked at her own demand. She didn't exactly know how she'd gone from not wanting Ellen there at all to not wanting her step away for even a moment.
They still hardly knew each other. They didn't even particularly like one another, but Ellen had been her only positive constant for months. She'd never once uttered a negative word about any of it, never made her feel ashamed or guilty. She'd been so accepting of it all, so confident that it wouldn't turn out to be a nightmare. Even now she spoke as if she were willing it all to be okay with her sheer optimism. Without realizing it Laura had become attached to her presence and she didn't want her out of sight.
"I-" Ellen hesitated, more than surprised at Laura's vehement insistence that she stay. On the one hand she wanted to go get her the water she knew would do her good, but she wasn't about to leave her after such a proclamation. "I'm not going anywhere, Laura. I'm staying right here," she promised.
"I'll get it," Ishay offered, handing off the doppler to Meri who took it and placed the probe low on the underside of Laura's belly.
The whirring thump immediately sounded from the little machine.
"Hear that? He's working hard too, Laura," Ellen said as she rubbed at Laura's lower back with her thumb.
"Heart rate?" Cottle asked from where he stood back observing.
"Recovered at one forty," Meri replied.
The doctor nodded and put his hands into his pockets. He wasn't needed quite yet. The dynamic between the ladies was working as it was. He'd return when it was time to play a one way game of catch.
"I'm gunna go up for a smoke," he decided, sufficiently satisfied that Laura was safe in Meri's charge.
He made his way up to the Tigh's tent leaving the women as they were.
For another fifteen minutes Laura endured wave after wave of wrenching tribulation. The breaks between contractions had all but vanished. In the few seconds between the end of one and the beginning of another Ishay would put the doppler probe to Laura's heaving belly ensuring the baby's heartbeat was still acceptable. When they saw that he was still tolerating her contractions they let her go another fifteen minutes and then another and another. Ellen continued to stay by Laura's side encouraging her to push as she felt the urge.
Being on her knees had certainly helped to get things to progress faster as Meri had suggested but with the progression had come a new intensity to the pain. Laura had begun to shiver and tremble so fiercely that she could no longer withstand kneeling on the mattress. With her back still in agony laying on her side was all that she could manage.
Ellen had taken to rubbing at her lower back, attempting to apply some measure of counter pressure. She'd stopped at one point to rest her hands, unsure if what she'd been doing was even helpful, only to have Laura cry out for her to quickly resume her kneading. Ellen complied right away. Under her diligent fingers she could feel Laura's body nearly vibrating.
"Is there anything you can give her for the pain?" Ellen eventually asked, alarmed by the severity of Laura's quaking. Her body looked and felt as if it were operating with a tylium powered motor. "She's shaking like a leaf for frak sake!"
Ishay looked at her with a small smile of apology.
"Afraid not," she replied.
Any anesthetic available was designated for necessary procedures only, but they wouldn't have been able to administer it with the conditions they were under in the bunker anyway. Any drugs that would potentially help would only increase the risk of complications.
"There's a hot water bottle in my bag," Meri offered. "You can fill it up for her. It might be soothing on her hips or back, but trembling is common during transition. It's the rush of hormones making her shiver," she informed them. "Not the pain."
"Laura, I'm gunna go get some hot water," Ellen told her. "I'm still here. I'm only going a few steps away."
Laura nodded, her eyes closed tight against the increasing pressure.
As Ellen left to fill the bottle from the latest pot of water they'd boiled, Meri replaced her at Laura's side. For the next three contractions she repetitiously smoothed Laura's hair back from her forehead with her ever gentle hand and spoke words of tender reassurance.
"Mind if I see where he is, mama?" she asked after a bit. "No more cervical checks," she added, knowing how much Laura had hated them. "He's probably well past it by now."
Laura nodded and turned her face into the pillows praying that she wouldn't have to move much. Being on her side wasn't comfortable by any means but she'd grown afraid of changing positions fearing that it would make the pain even worse.
Ellen returned with the hot water bottle.
"There we go," she said, easing it down against the small of Laura's back.
"Ms. Ellen, would you give me a hand?" Meri asked, hoping to keep Ishay free to use the doppler.
"Of course," Ellen agreed.
"Help her prop this leg up just for a second," Meri instructed, patting Laura's knee.
Ellen did as she was asked, taking her trembling knee and elevating it to give Meri access while Laura stayed on her side.
As the midwife began her exam Laura's body was seized by another contraction. As if on autopilot she inadvertently pushed down against the impossible pressure with another deep growl.
"Go ahead," Meri prompted, glad to be able to feel clear evidence of Laura's hard work as she examined her. "Don't mind me. Keep going. Perfect. Don't stop, don't stop. That's it."
"Good job, Laura!" Ellen chimed in.
Laura bore down as hard as she could, actually finding a new sense of relief by pushing against the pain. At least it felt like she was finally doing something other than suffering.
Unable to hold it any longer she let out a harsh gasp.
"Well, I can feel his head," Meri announced.
"Really?" Laura asked, genuinely shocked that it was possible.
"I can only get my finger in up to the knuckle so you've gotten him a good ways already, mummy," Meri said as she withdrew her hand and Ellen slowly brought Laura's leg back down. "Excellent pushes. I'd like you to get back on your knees for a few more and then we're gunna get Doc back down here so we can meet your son."
"Oh gods," Laura cried into the pillow.
The thought was so completely overwhelming. It hardly felt real.
"He's ready, Laura," Ellen attempted to ground her. "He's so close. He wants to come out. You've gotta let him. Take some deep breaths."
"Layne," Meri said as she went to wheel the surgical cart closer to the bed. "Will you take a reading with the doppler and then go let Sherman know to head back down here?"
"Of course," Ishay answered. She quickly made her way to Laura and pressed the probe to her belly until the staticy whirring once again echoed through the bunker. She looked down at the device, pleased with the reading. "Well done. I'll be right back."
"My gods, I can't do this. I can't," Laura repeated.
"You're doing it," Ellen countered. "You're almost done. Go, keep going. That-a-girl," she praised as Laura gritted down, unwittingly pushing again.
Laura was terrified. She could feel her baby moving closer and closer to his exit and she couldn't stop it from happening. Soon she would no longer surround him in protection. No more would she be his source of warmth or comfort. Once he was out in the world her only hope to keep him safe would be to send him away. The duality of wanting to keep him protected within her was at odds with her body fighting desperately to free him. Goodbye was coming far too fast.
"Where's Cottle for frak sake!?" she swore as the urge to bear down grew even more powerful.
As much as she trusted Meri she wanted him there when her son was born. During her time in the fleet he'd come to be one of the people she cared for most. She didn't trust many people but she trusted Cottle implicitly. He'd cared for her through what was supposed to have been a terminal illness, he'd gotten her through bouts of exhaustion and stress. He'd lied and put his own safety and reputation at risk for her multiple times. Now he'd gotten her through something she'd never thought she'd go through and he'd done it in the harshest of circumstances with limited resources and constant kindness. He was her friend, he was Bill's friend and she wanted him to be the one to deliver their baby.
"He's probably washing up," Meri guessed, while she took a final inventory of the instruments on the bedside tray. "He'll be right down. We've got you. Don't worry. Ellen, let's help her back on her knees."
The two women helped Laura's still trembling body into position. As soon as she was on her knees again the urgency increased. Her hips deeply ached and she felt so impossibly full as her baby inched his way down with each spasm.
"Feels like I'm splitting in frakking half!" she roared.
"Push, Laura. You've got this. Good job. He's coming, sweetie. Keep on-" Ellen suddenly lost her words as she glanced down to the bed and noticed a steady trickle of bright red blood running down Laura's thigh and onto the white sheet.
"Good pushes, love, that's it," the midwife continued to coax.
"Uh, Meri," Ellen called, getting the woman's attention and silently nodding her head down toward the growing spot of blood, careful not to alarm Laura.
As Meri's eyes settled on the stain Ellen noticed her frown for the first time since she'd met her.
Damn it, she thought. She looks worried.
"Laura," Meri began with an unfamiliar tone to her voice. "I know I've been telling you not to hold back, but just for these next few contractions I want you to try and breathe through them and try not to push too hard. Okay?"
"Why?" Laura complained.
"Let's just wait for the Doc."
"I don't think I can help it."
"Just try your best," Meri reasoned. "Blow little puffs of air out. That will help."
"C'mon, Laura. I'll do it with you," Ellen offered, trying not to show how worried she was.
It couldn't be as bad as it seemed, she told herself. It just couldn't.
She'd assured Laura up and down that everything would be fine. She'd insisted that she had the ability to get through it and she'd truly had total faith that she would. Suddenly Ellen wasn't quite sure where all that blind faith had come from. Maybe she'd just wanted to believe it. Maybe she'd grown attached to the idea of a woman her own age being blessed with an unexpected miracle baby. She'd glossed over so many factors because they interfered with the outcome she envisioned. But what was she supposed to have done for Laura? Reiterated every risk factor? Reminded her of how much danger her choice brought with it? Made her feel more selfish and guilty? As far as Ellen was concerned there was no crime or fault in Laura desperately wanting her child to be born and anyone who disagreed could frak off.
Laura had done a good enough job berating herself with the harsh realities. Doubling down on them wouldn't have done her any good. They were all putting so much on the line to see this through. Someone had to believe that it was actually possible. "Good job, Laura," Ellen continued. "Breathe, sweetie. It's gunna be fine."
"Are we ready, young lady?" Cottle said, making his return known as he finally made his way down the access ladder with Ishay right behind him.
"Frak, are you!? Laura shouted back at him.
"Sherman, " Meri interceded, "let's get a read on her blood pressure before she continues."
"Ishay," Cottle delegated, heading toward the surgical cart to glove up.
"Sherman, one moment?" Meri gestured to get him to take a few steps away before he could snap on his gloves.
"What is it?" he asked, leaning in so that she could speak softly.
"She's got evidence of a bleed," Meri informed him.
"Godsdamn it," Cottle swore. He looked back over at Laura kneeling on the mattress with Ishay and Ellen bracing her at each side."What do you think?"
"It's bright red. It's steady but not extremely heavy. I think it's a sulcus tear," the midwife speculated. "Just an internal laceration on the wall of the birth canal; not dangerous, but I can't rule out a cervical hemorrhage which is."
Cottle frowned at the assessment. They'd been so close to getting her through it.
"BP one twenty six over eighty," Ishay called from the bedside where Laura had very obviously lost the battle to resist the urge to push.
"BP doesn't indicate a heavy bleed," Cottle observed. "Least not yet."
"What would you like to do, Doctor?" Meri deferred.
"It's a mess up there right now," he told her. When he'd gone up to the Tigh's tent Saul had filled him in. Sam's explosives had caused a hell of a fire at the transportation compound. The air was smokey and stunk of burning tylium. Though most of the cylon's focus was on the scene of the explosions a few centurions had recently been sighted patrolling the encampment "Bad time to transfer. Damn it."
Meri nodded.
"We can continue to monitor her BP," she posed, "but if it suddenly dips it's going to be a hell of a race out of here."
"Doctor, you should get over here!" Ishay suddenly called with urgency. "Baby's beginning to crown!"
At that Meri and Cottle dropped their debate.
"Okay, looks like he's making the decision for us!" the doctor announced as he and the midwife rushed to the bed. "Laura, listen to me," he said sternly to get her attention. "You're bleeding."
"Frak!" she swore through a sharp pain. Something was bound to go wrong. How could she ever have hoped it wouldn't? "I knew this would happen!"
"I need you to focus," Cottle instructed as he gloved up.
Ishay rushed around him prepping the area while Meri took her place at Laura's side.
"So far it doesn't seem serious," the doctor continued. "He's coming too fast for us to take you out of here now so you need to help him out as quick as you can so we can figure out what's going on. Got it?"
"He's okay though?" Ellen asked on Laura's behalf. "Baby's okay?"
"So far, yes," Cottle answered. "But we've gotta get him out."
"Laura, he's fine," Ellen attempted to embolden her. "He's fine. Don't panic. He's okay. Just get him out, you can do it."
"Laura," Meri began, her tenor firm but gentle, "from this point on you're going to push as hard as you can and you're going to hold it as we count to ten."
They waited until another contraction began. With Cottle at the foot of the bed Meri kept count.
"Laura, push down hard," they all took turns instructing.
"Hold it, hold it," she heard them say over and over.
"Good girl. That's it," they encouraged each time, but it was all a blur and Laura could hardly tell who was saying what.
As she pushed down with everything she had for the first time in decades she felt the childlike compulsion to call out for her mother; the last person she'd truly felt comfort from until she'd met Bill Adama. As she felt their baby moving further and further she allowed herself to think of Bill for the first time all night. As much as she'd told herself that she could do it alone, she so desperately wished he could have been there. He hadn't made it in the nick of time. He hadn't come back to save them. It wasn't as if she had some naive fantasy that they would suddenly become a little family if he were there. She knew things were far too complicated for that. What she did know was that Bill would have been by her side to support her whether she wanted him to be or not. He would have been there for their child. Their baby would have been born into the universe and passed directly into his strong and protective arms instead of being passed off to a stranger to be hidden away. If he were there Laura at least knew her child would have been born into love instead of chaos.
"Full moon is breathtaking tonight," he'd told her on one of their last nights together while they sat out under the stars on a blanket behind her tent.
"It's nice to share it with you," she'd responded with a smile cozying up closer to him.
Bill had arrived on New Caprica early that morning. After a meeting on Colonial I he'd shown up at her tent. They'd done nothing but frak and nap the day away, something neither had ever dreamed they'd be able to indulge in. Only once in a while did one of them slip out to the latrines just to hustle back and immediately return to bed. After the sun had set and they'd shared a simple meal Bill had suggested a walk to stretch their legs and have a smoke.
They knew once they both emerged together people would whisper about what they'd been up to. Bill didn't care in the least but when Laura seemed to hesitate he suggested stargazing atop the sandbags behind her tent instead, just as they had the night of the groundbreaking ceremony. As much as he'd loved frakking her all day between blissful naps they both needed the fresh air.
Laura agreed and they'd sat enjoying a shared joint and watching the moon in the clear night sky, both of them sleepy and satisfied.
"Laura, I've been meaning to ask you something," Bill began at one point.
The tone in his voice had changed from lighthearted and playful to more thoughtful and sober and Laura was almost annoyed that their carefree night was about to be interceded by any measure of weight.
"Hm?"
Bill paused for a moment glancing up at the bright full moon that seemed to hang heavy in the sky.
"If this is all too much for you, Laura, you can let me know," he'd said, finally looking back at her.
"Too much?" she'd echoed.
"Yes."
"What do you mean?" she'd asked with a bit of a nervous chuckle. "If what's too much?"
"This," he replied, gesturing between them. "Us."
"Oh."
Laura looked down to the blanket they sat on and began to fiddle with the hem of her skirt.
"I just want to make sure you're okay," Bill clarified, worried he'd offended her by asking.
"Do you feel that way?" she'd tested. "Has this become too much?"
"No. No, not at all. In fact I can't seem to get enough of you. In every way. That's what I mean."
Laura kept her gaze to her lap where her hands rested.
"Did I give you some indication that I'm not happy with this?" she asked solemnly.
She'd been enjoying their time together, but she knew she'd probably done something to push him away even if she wasn't aware of it.
"No," Bill shook his head. "It's not that."
"What is it?" she'd questioned.
There had to be some reason he was asking.
"Laura, I care for you a great deal," he said as he reached into her lap and took hold of one of her hands. "Not just that. I can't stop thinking of you. It's been this way from the start. Even at the end of the frakking worlds in the middle of a war, the moment I met you suddenly you were stuck in my mind constantly. Even back when I thought you were a worlds class pain in the ass, I knew there was something special about you. Then when I thought I was about to lose you…it was incredibly painful for me. I started to realize then that my feelings for you went far deeper than I thought. Now that I've been able to express some of those feelings to you it's brought me some of the only joy I've felt in years. I feel very strongly about this and…and if that's not something that you feel comfortable with, I want you to know that I understand, but I just feel like I need to tell you that I-"
"Bill, dont," she'd blurted, abruptly cutting him off. This was why he had to ask her, she internally admonished herself, because she did things like this, because she couldn't fight the constant frakked up compulsion she had to keep an emotional distance with everyone and everything. She told herself to shut up, not to hurt him, but she just kept talking. "I'm sorry. I don't mean that to come off the way I know it sounds. It's not that I'm unhappy. I don't want you to change anything. You're very important to me too. The most important person in my life, really. I just, I can't-"
"Laura, I love you whether I say it aloud or not and I don't need you to say it back," Bill stated, silencing her rambling.
There had been a moment of quiet before her eyes watered and she nodded at him in acceptance.
"I'm sorry," she whispered.
Bill put his arms around her and pulled her in close enough for his lips to brush her temple.
"I just need to know that you're okay with the way things are," he told her.
Laura had swallowed hard fighting against a knot in her throat.
"I don't want it to stop," she managed to say.
Bill chuckled and kissed her cheek, seeming both amused and complacent with her answer.
"That's all I needed to know," he said as he rubbed at her shoulder.
"Okay," she sniffed, feeling relieved in his arms.
She felt unworthy to be seen so clearly by him with all of her limits and flaws and to somehow be loved by him anyway.
"I wish I knew you when I was young, Laura" he'd said as they both watched the night sky.
"Why's that?" she'd asked, nuzzling her face into his neck as the chill of the evening began to set in.
Bill smiled to himself and shrugged.
"Because…"
He'd often fantasized about the life they could have led had they met earlier. He liked to think of a life where he could have married her and called her his wife. One where he would have been there for her through all of the things she'd gone through alone. He thought about what they could have built together and what kind of man he would have been with her by his side. Sometimes he imagined how much he would have liked to have a family with her. How good she would have been for his boys and how nice it would have been to have one of their own, a true love child born of passion and devotion. The thoughts often made his heart hurt knowing they would never be, that they'd only have a fraction of it all if he was lucky. Still, heartache and all, the fantasy of what never was brought him a sense of joy as well.
As much as he wished he could share that joy with Laura he knew that she wasn't ready and that there was a good chance that she never would be. Even so he'd decided he was perfectly willing to accept whatever pieces of herself she could give him.
"Because we could have shared so many more full moons," he'd replied.
"His head's almost out, Laura!" Cottle shouted, his voice echoing in her ears. "This next one you're gunna push and keep pushing. Don't stop until it's out! Got it!? C'mon!"
Laura pushed down with all that she had.
There was an incredible tightness and then a fiery burning that became worse and worse with each passing moment until suddenly
it stopped.
"Oh my gods" Laura cried as she felt the startling relief.
"Heads out!" Cottle announced as she fell backwards onto her thighs.
She could hardly feel her legs anymore and her strength to keep kneeling was gone.
"Pull her legs out for her," Cottle instructed Meri and Ishay.
"Oh my gods, Laura! He's almost here!" Ellen exclaimed. "He's already got some hair!"
Cottle quickly made sure the baby's neck was free of the cord.
"Let's make this the last one, young lady, you hear me?" he continued to rally. "Push down hard! Hard as you can, don't stop, keep going, almost, that's it! Here he comes."
Laura felt the baby leave her body with a burst and she let out a sharp cry of release that echoed down the corridors.
"There we go," Cottle said, as he caught the infant in his hands.
"You did it, Laura!" Ellen began to cheer. "He's here!"
But Laura couldn't hear a thing beyond a loud ringing in her ears. All she could do was stare in stunned awe at what Cottle held between her knees.
"Suction bulb," he called out, just before Ishay could pass it to him.
"Why isn't he crying?" Ellen worriedly asked, as Cottle cleared the baby's mouth and nose. Just as she was about to ask the question a second time he let out a short little whine.
It wasn't a cry, but it was something. Still, it wasn't inspiring much relief.
"C'mon, nugget, you've gotta do better than that," Cottle said, patting the newborn boy on the back.
"What's wrong?" Laura asked, still hardly able to hear her own voice over the ringing sound in her ears.
Ellen rubbed at her shoulder as they waited.
"Don't be shy now," Meri said, reaching over toward the baby. "We've all been waiting," she told him
as she gave his foot a good little pinch.
With that he let out a cry that echoed through the corridors of the mine. Another and another each stronger than the last followed just in time for the ringing in Laura's ears to finally stop. The high pitched tone faded away in place of the bleating cries of her son.
"That's it," Cottle said, satisfied. "Off to mummy you go."
The shrieking little being was flopped onto Laura's belly. Instinctively she pulled him up to her chest where he immediately quieted. He was warm and impossibly slippery as she held him and brought her lips to his damp little head.
She was utterly dumbfounded. Nothing seemed real. He was out. He was alive. She was holding her baby. She'd made him. He was hers. With a single last rush of soul shattering pain coursing out of her body she'd gone from being completely alone to having family again.
"Is he okay?" she heard herself ask, her own voice sounding distant and hollow to her ears.
"He's fine, Laura. He's just fine," Cottle assured.
"You hold on to him while we make sure you're alright too."
She'd almost forgotten. She was bleeding. Was she dying? Was this the only time she'd ever hold her son?
From seemingly out of nowhere the baby was covered with a clean receiving blanket. Laura glanced up to see Ellen smiling with tears streaming down her cheeks.
"He's a beautiful boy, Laura. You did so wonderfully."
The baby squirmed in her arms and she held onto him tighter. Suddenly the hanging lantern was turned on and its blindingly bright white light forced Laura to squeeze her eyes shut.
"Stabilize her legs, ladies."
Laura felt Ishay and Meri each grab a hold of a limp exhausted leg as Cottle went to work examining her.
With her eyes still closed she tried to commit the feeling of her son's weight in her arms to memory. She feared in just a moment's time Cottle would order her rushed to the clinic and she'd be leaving her baby behind not knowing when or if she'd ever see him again.
"Anterior sulcus laceration," Cottle observed.
"Grade?" Meri asked.
"Hard to tell how deep it is with the awful lighting down here. I'll reaccess once she's at the clinic," he decided as he reached up to turn off the harsh lantern.
"You're okay, mama," Meri told Laura in plain words.
Laura let out a relieved sob into the tiny wisps of dark damp hair atop the baby's head.
"Well, not so fast," Cottle cautioned. "You're not quite done yet, young lady. What do you say you untether the little guy?"
Laura was hardly listening to him, enthralled with the feeling of soft warmth in her arms.
"Hm?" she frowned, glancing up at the medical team.
"Just another push or two, love," Meri reminded her.
She was confused for a moment before it dawned on her. She'd forgotten all about it. She cringed, not only because she loathed the thought of mustering another single push, but because she suddenly realized that it would truly and finally separate her body from her baby's.
She felt Meri begin to massage her belly with warm firm pressure.
Soon the cramping started up again. Laura held on to her baby as the contraction strengthened. Unable to help it her body reflexively bore down against the ache and with one final push Laura freed her son and began to sob without restraint.
BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
41 WEEKS SINCE FLEEING NEW CAPRICAN ORBIT
"Alert the XO that he'll be covering my morning shift," Bill told the officer on duty before hanging up the line.
He rubbed at a kink in his neck as he reached to turn off his desk lamp.
Helo would probably assume the early morning shift change was a punishment for the late night interruption, but in truth Bill just didn't feel up to reporting at reveille.
He was sure Helo hadn't slept much more than he had with the state Sharon was in, but he was young and Bill told himself that he'd be the more alert one. It wasn't exactly the lack of sleep. He could handle working on no sleep. He did it often enough. It was the godsawful tension he'd felt all damn night that was really wearing on him.
Sharon's visit had only made matters worse.
She'd gotten into his head, passing her worry onto him. He couldn't stop thinking about New Caprica, his mind conjuring up a dozen horrific possibilities. He told himself over and over again that Sharon's supposed intuition was far from solid intel, but it did nothing to calm his worries.
He thought of Kara, knowing that she would have put up a fight when the cylons first came. He couldn't help but wonder if she was still fighting.
He thought of Saul, hoping that if he hadn't been captured, he'd been able to keep it together and lead in some way.
He thought of Chief and Cally and their child. He kicked himself for letting them settle on the planet as he thought of their son being born into enemy occupation.
He thought of all of the men and women left behind and what their daily lives had become.
Mostly though, he thought of Laura.
He'd left her there. No matter the reality of the circumstances, that was what he told himself about a dozen times a day since he'd fled. He'd abandoned her. At least that was what it felt like.
Imagining what fate the cylon occupation had brought her tormented his waking and sleeping thoughts. He found some comfort in reminding himself that she no longer held a position of power, that she was just a school teacher, a civilian the cylons would have little interest in. Admitting to himself how much influence she still held, how much information she still knew, how valuable she might be to their enemies was something he tried to push to the back of his mind.
He missed her. He missed her like a choking man misses air. He missed her smile and her laugh. He missed their conversations and their banter. He missed the frakking smell and taste of her. He missed the way she'd made him feel.
Fleeing had cost him dearly.
Whether or not Laura understood why he had to do it he feared that their relationship wouldn't withstand their time apart. Had they just been frakking and having a good time it would have been different. Perhaps then, if he ever got back to her, they'd be able to pick up where they'd left off. But it had become so much deeper than that. He'd told her that he loved her and she'd accepted it. She'd even welcomed it. She'd allowed him in. She'd given him access to her heart, her body and her mind and then he'd left her. It didn't matter much that it was due to circumstance rather than choice. The others she'd cared for and lost hadn't meant to leave her either. She'd still built a fortress around her heart in protection and he was afraid that the small part of it he'd managed to dismantle would be reconstructed by the time he got back to her. He understood that she'd been through enough loss in her past and it pained him to think that he'd left her so alone.
Whatever way she felt about him when he got back to her, he just hoped she was okay. If he were to return to find that something had happened to her he wasn't sure that he could endure it.
Bill stood from his chair with a sigh and made his way back to his rack.
Settled back in bed, he reached over to the second pillow that had become Laura's during her visits up from the planet.
He pulled it close to him and turned to his side, pressing his nose to it and imagining that he could still smell her scent left behind.
He yawned, suddenly overcome with exhaustion as he felt the tension leave his body. It had been such a long night.
Finally he closed his eyes and slept.
NEW CAPRICAN COLONIAL TENT CITY;
COLONIAL MINING TUNNEL
BUNKER BELOW THE DWELLING OF SAUL & ELLEN TIGH
WEEK 41 OF CYLON OCCUPATION
CW
After the cord was cut and clamped things in the bunker began to calm. Meri and Ishay helped Laura and the baby to clean up as much as they could with a fresh pot of warm water. Ishay tucked some fresh dry towels beneath them while Meri retrieved a large blanket to cover them with.
"This will keep the chill away while you feed him," the midwife said as she spread the soft quilt over the pair.
"Feed him?" Laura echoed as her body tensed. "Already? You mean…"
"Of course, mama," Meri said with a smile, as she reached to help her slip down the thin strap of her nightgown to bare her breasts.
Suddenly Laura began to inwardly panic again.
There was no way. She wouldn't be able to nurse him. She just couldn't fathom it. She'd been so sick. There had to be too much scar tissue, too much damage done. She felt guilty, not only because she doubted her ability to feed her son, but because she'd struggled for months with the very idea of it. Cottle and Meri had insisted that she attempt to send a milk supply to the foster home daily in order to make sure that he was well nourished. They told her other means of feeding infants in the settlement were too uncertain. Though she wasn't exactly comfortable with the idea of hired wet nurses or the unreliable supply of New Caprican manufactured formula she couldn't help the sense of apprehension that their plan triggered within her. Seduction and a slow death. That's all she thought of when it came to her breasts. Associating them with something so innocent and life sustaining just felt so forgien. She just didn't believe that there was any chance she'd be capable.
Meri gently pulled at the blanket the baby was wrapped in so that it was no longer a barrier between them.
"Skin to skin is best for you both. It will keep him warm and it signals bonding hormones," she said as she replaced the blanket on top of him.
Laura's heart twinged in her chest as she felt her son's tiny body pressed up against hers. Inside her mind was at war with itself. She inwardly chastised herself for going along with Meri's suggestion. The more she bonded with him the harder it was going to be to let him go, but she just couldn't help taking in every bit of him that she could before it was too late.
"Let's see if he'll latch," Meri prompted.
After helping Laura to position the baby at her breast she began to tickle at his cheek until he opened his mouth. On instinct the little one eagerly nuzzled his face into the soft waiting warmth of his mother's chest. "He's rooting. That's a good sign that he's ready. If you just slip it in he should latch on."
Laura offered herself to her son, bracing herself for the sting of failure.
"Meri, please, we really should figure out an alternative for him. I don't think- oh!" she yelped, caught off guard when the baby's mouth suddenly clasped down with an unexpected force.
"There we go. Breakfast time," Meri mused.
Laura's words were lost, her lips parted in awe as she looked down upon him.
Meri was pleased to see the baby innately responding.
Though they still planned to bring him to the civilian pediatric nurse, her own initial assessment of the boy had gone as well as expected. He was a tiny thing, she doubted much over six pounds, but he looked quite healthy.
"Now, your full milk flow probably won't be in for a day or so but right now he's getting colostrum. That's the very first milk. It's the most nutrient dense thing he'll ever consume; filled with vitamins, proteins, lots of good fat and antibodies that will boost his immune system. We call it liquid gold. You'll have him off to a fine start, mama."
"You mean it's working?" Laura softly asked as she marveled at the rhythmic feeling of warm wet little tugs.
"He seems pretty content to me," Meri replied with a nod.
As her child gladly fed Laura quietly wept with relief.
Ellen and Cottle stood off to the side and out of the way, each sipping at cups of tea she'd brought down from her tent after she'd gone up to tell Saul the baby had been born.
"How long does she have with him?" Ellen asked, as she watched the new mother weeping over her baby.
She couldn't imagine the mix of emotions the poor woman had to be going through.
"I'm going to give her the better part of the hour," Cottle sighed as they both looked over toward the bed. "But then I need to get him out of here."
The two of them watched the mother and son from a distance; Laura quietly crying as the baby happily nursed, blissfully unaware of what was coming.
"Gods," Ellen whispered, wiping the tears from her eyes with her sleeve. "How heartbreaking."
Laura still couldn't believe that he was real, that she actually had a child. She'd experienced so many miraculous things since she'd fled the colonies from visions to religious revelations and yet it all somehow paled in comparison to the baby in her arms.
As he nursed and made tiny little sounds at her breast Laura thought her heart might very well burst. He was a miracle.
And yet she couldn't help but wonder as she gazed down at him, why their enemies wanted him so badly. As perfect and precious as he was to her, he truly did look like an ordinary infant. He had Bill's dark hair and even through his newborn cherubic features she could tell he was going to grow up to look like his father. He was just a boy.
Just as she often looked at Hera she looked at her son and wondered what it was within him that they could possibly need. He was hers. And the thought of someone using him for anything but to love him made her wild with anger.
But something deep within her knew that there was in fact a significance to the child in her arms. All along she'd wondered why the Gods had given her this child. She wondered how in the worlds she'd been able to conceive and carry him after all she'd been through and how she'd gotten through the months of struggle to deliver him safely in such abysmal conditions. It seemed as if he'd beaten all the odds and no matter how many rational and logical explanations she'd been given it all still felt too incredible to be a matter of chance.
As she watched him, his eyes closed and little mouth suckling along, she was astonished at the immediate and complete love she felt for him. It was a love she already knew she'd never be able to hide from or deny. It was unlike anything she'd ever felt.
Beautiful and painful.
She wished that she could let him know how sorry she was that she'd brought him into such harsh and unforgiving circumstances. She wished she could apologize for not being able to feel joy in his welcoming with so much looming sadness ahead. The more she realized she loved her son the more devastated she became knowing what was about to happen.
It hurt so badly to love him so much.
"Nugget needs a name," Cottle said as he came up to Laura's bedside watching her cradling her son in her arms.
"His name is Will," she replied.
Caught off guard by his own emotions Cottle had to swallow down the sudden knot in his throat before he could speak again.
"That's a fine name and I appreciate the sentiment but…it's a little on the nose considering the circumstances. Is there something else they can call him when he gets there that might be less…obvious?"
Reminded of what was ahead Laura suddenly detested the very notion of time as she felt the moments slipping away from her. She'd only just seen his face, only just smelled his baby scent and already the world was coming to tear them apart.
"Atlas," she told him, her voice hoarse from hours of struggle and strained by the inevitable heartache. "They can call him Atlas."
Her son had been born with a world of a burden placed upon him but she prayed that like the Titan Atlas he'd be strong enough to endure it.
"Atlas," Cottle repeated with a nod.
"I'm…I'm going to have to tell Ishay to take him soon, Laura," he said to her after a few moments.
"I know," she whispered, never taking her eyes off her son.
"You're doing fine but I'd like to get you into the clinic within the hour, maybe get the bleeding to stop a bit faster. Ishay's going to take him to a pediatric nurse just to give him a once over and take some measurements," he explained, his expression somber and regretful. "The sun will be up soon. Things are settling down up there...I'll give you two a little while longer."
He waited until she gave him a slight nod of acknowledgement before he walked away.
Ellen took his place shortly after.
As much as she hated to disturb Laura's time with the baby she knew Saul was eager to check on them.
"I'm so proud of you, Laura," she told her, sniffing back more tears. "This little boy is lucky to have such a strong mummy."
Putting her nose to the top of the baby's head Laura inhaled his precious scent wishing she could trap it in her lungs forever.
She exhaled with a sigh.
"Our own war story, hm?" she softly mused as she looked up at Ellen with a slight smirk.
"And I can't wait until the day I can tell it," Ellen winked in return. "He's a doll, Laura. Just so perfectly precious," she remarked, meaning every word. She wished so much that she could ask to hold him, but she wouldn't dare even suggest that Laura let him go for anyone until she absolutely had to.
"Laura, I know that your time with him is limited, and we won't be offended if you'd rather spend it alone, but do you mind if Saul comes down for just a moment? He's been so worried. I know he'd love to-"
"That's fine, Ellen," Laura agreed.
The baby had nursed himself to sleep and Meri returned to help them cover up while Ellen went to get the Colonel.
"You're sure that you're up for a visitor, mama?" Meri confirmed, more than ready to speak up for Laura if she instead wanted the remainder of her time with the baby to herself.
"It's okay," she whispered. "Just for second."
Laura was appreciative of the woman's concern. She was bone-tired, still in pain and she felt as if she were fighting off a complete mental breakdown with her last remaining strength, but she wanted Saul Tigh to see Bill's son. If anything were to happen to either one of them she wanted Saul to be able to tell Bill he'd met the boy.
She also knew that soon there might come a day where one of them didn't make it out of detention. If Saul didn't meet Bill's son now there was a chance he never would and Laura understood that it meant something to him.
"Well then," she heard Tigh's usually gruff voice sounding lighter than it ever had. "Who do we have here?" he said as he and Ellen came to the bedside. "An Adama if I've ever seen one. That's for sure," he proclaimed with a smile. "Sure glad you're both okay."
"Thank you," Laura replied. "The both of you. I'm afraid I don't know what to say to express how-"
"It's alright, Laura," Ellen stopped her. "You don't have to."
Laura nodded, hoping one day she'd find the words.
"You have a name, nugget?" Saul asked, reaching out to pat the blanket that surrounded the little bundle.
"Will," Laura replied.
Upon hearing the child's name Saul paused in place, seized for a moment by unexpected emotion. When he heard his wife muffle a little whimper behind her palm he broke free of the momentary arrest and put his arm around her shoulders.
Laura inwardly flinched at the audible reaction. She'd considered that the couple would have a visceral response to the baby's name since the day Ellen had sat in her tent, dazed, distressed and dolefully recounting her past. When Ellen had shared what she'd intended to call her son years ago Laura's stomach had dropped. She'd told Ellen that she didn't have a name picked out yet, but it was a lie. She'd chosen William weeks before, promising herself that she wouldn't share it or even refer to the baby by name until he was born. Somehow she thought it would make it even harder if she were to lose him before then. Hearing Ellen lamenting over a child with the same name who'd never existed made her even more certain that she wanted to hold off.
After all the Tigh's had done for her it pained Laura to tell them Will's name, knowing the grief it would likely stir in them.
She knew that like Doc Cottle they probably assumed he was named for Bill and she had no intention of correcting them or anyone else who supposed as much. It wasn't all together false that the boy would share a name with his father, but in truth Laura had mostly named him for Billy.
William Keikeya; a young man who had once felt like a son to her. He'd dedicated the last months of his young life to being by her side and no one ever truly understood how much he had meant to her or how hard it had been for her to lose him.
"Congratulations, Laura," Saul managed to say after clearing his throat. "Just know I'll do whatever I can to make sure he's safe."
"Thank you, Saul. Thank you both," Laura said
before the couple walked off together.
Soon the time came.
Cottle arrived at the bedside.
"Laura, Ishay's going to take him now," he told her. "There's not much time until sunrise."
Though she'd known it was coming she couldn't help that her arms tightened around the baby in protection. She had to stop the urge she felt to scream at them to all go away and leave her and her child alone. She felt like a jay whose nest had been disturbed, innately triggered to squawk, flap and peck at anyone or anything that dared to come near them. But she couldn't. She'd asked for this. She needed him to be taken from her now so that her enemies wouldn't take him later.
Laura's entire body began to go numb. She cried and pressed her lips to her baby's skin trying to feel his precious warmth once more. She tried to tell herself that it wasnt goodbye forever, but she knew that it very well could be.
Unable to help it, Laura let out a loud sob.
"I love you, baby," she whispered by, his tiny ear. With a hard swallow she looked up at Cottle.
"Take him," she rasped. When the doctor hesitated she snapped. "Take him, now before I can't frakking do it."
Cottle motioned to Ishay, signaling her to go ahead.
Gingerly the medic made her way to the bed and reached down to take the baby from his mother's arms.
Ellen wept into Saul's shoulder as they witnessed the awful sight. At first it seemed as if the transfer had gone smoothly. The baby had stayed asleep as Ishay took him and covered him with another wrap for their journey, but as they walked out of view his cries began to echo through the tunnels when he awoke outside of his mother's embrace.
Unable to help herself, Ellen rushed to Laura's side and threw her arms around her.
"It'll be okay, Laura. You'll be together again soon," she desperately attempted to console, but she knew nothing would help. "I know where he's going," she whispered into Laura's ear so that the others wouldn't hear it. "I promise he'll be in good hands. I promise."
Ellen held on to her as the sound of the baby's wailing carried through into the bunker for what felt like ages.
All the while Laura shook with violent sobs crying in time with her son.
As always feedback is encouraged on this work or any other author's work that you might consume for entertainment.
Wishing you a very Happy & Healthy New Year!
LLA