Author's note: Thanks for continuing to read my story! Dante's Inferno is basically a 14th-century People magazine written in terza rima (triple rhyme) while Dante was the bitter, exiled Italian poet version of Perez Hilton and I'm so excited you guys are enjoying how I've reimagined his work with a snarky, smartass Klaroline twist! Also, I recently started a new Klaroline multi-chap, One More Rose. It's an AU fluffy human romantic comedy and I hope you'll check it out! Happy reading!

Elijah's boots trudged through the thick black sludge of eternal despair, and Klaus found himself rolling his eyes (an unfortunate habit he'd picked up from Caroline) when he saw that his traitorous brother was still wearing only the finest crafted sea serpent hide. Pretentious git. Leathery wings fanned out in fury as Elijah locked eyes with Caroline and immediately lunged at her with his sword.

"I strike in the name of my father, his most unholy majesty," Elijah bellowed, his blade dangerously close to Caroline's throat. No. In that moment, Klaus cursed every foul being and wretched soul in hell, the beast within uselessly raging in his weakened form.

Caroline let out a terrified scream, and while Klaus and his siblings valiantly rose to her rescue, the bold little human surprised them all over again by hurling a large shaker of pepper flakes at Elijah's head. Such a fearless, beguiling creature.

The glass shattered, sending up a mini dust cloud that immediately made Elijah's eyes water and turn red as he began hacking and coughing. Clutching at his throat, he gasped, "Wretched sorceress, what foul magic is this?"

Caroline gaped at Elijah for a moment, and Klaus fancied he saw her gaze land on him briefly as though looking for reassurance before she replied, "Um, it's a habanero and red pepper flake blend." Peering at him more closely, she asked in confusion, "How does a devil have an allergy to spicy peppers?"

"Oh, Elijah's always been a bit of a bore," Kol breezily said, dabbing his finger at the trail of pepper flakes that had sprayed across the table, making a small noise of delight as he tasted it. "Pity that, brother, it's quite tasty on Caroline's delightful banquet she's made for us."

"Especially on the pizza," Klaus helpfully added, directing Rebekah and Kol to bind Elijah.

Caroline muttered under her breath, pushing the group toward the kitchen where she gestured toward the stainless sink. "He's having an allergic reaction; we need to rinse out his eyes!"

Klaus looked at her incredulously, as did the rest of his siblings. "Elijah was sent here by our father to kill you." Once an enemy had been marked as such, his life was forfeit — Klaus was certain that this wretched place held to a similar code. Especially after that series of documentaries Caroline had shown him. Those real housewives of various earth realms were quite forthright regarding the marking and punishing of an enemy.

"Seriously?! Why would the king of hell want me dead? Also, how in the HELL would the king of hell even know who I am?"

Rebekah scoffed, "Precisely because he's the king of hell. Besides, it's quite simple to detect hell's essence in this bland pit of a planet." Leaning over to sniff Caroline, she teased, "And my brother's essence is quite prevalent in your direction." Glaring down at Elijah, she allowed the full fury of hell to light up her gaze as she spat, "Of course our vindictive father would send his most traitorous, spineless lapdog to attack Nik's human."

Klaus felt his rage build once more, grabbing a cleaver from its hanger to raise over his head menacingly. "How dare you attack my Caroline! Your life is forfeit, brother."

"Yeah! Plus, she fed us!"

"And she smells nice — for a human!"

Klaus smiled at Rebekah and Kol benignly, pleased that his siblings had taken to Caroline so quickly. As they all moved in for the kill, traditional war cries commencing, Caroline shrieked and raced to stand in front of Elijah's bound and kneeling form.

"You can't just kill him — that's your brother!" She seemed to be searching their faces for something, and must not have found it as she sighed in aggravation. "Ok, yeah, Elijah tried to kill me, but it sounds like he's been totally brainwashed by your psycho dad and maybe that's something we can fix?"

His gods were especially cruel; he was besotted with a human with conscience. "He was sent to kill you, sweetheart. He sided with Mikael and our brother Finn in this war, killing our mother and banishing me," Klaus replied through gritted teeth, trying to calm his caged beast that demanded Caroline witness him spill Elijah's blood. "An enemy must be utterly destroyed," he explained. "Your people follow a similar code as evidenced by those documentaries I've witnessed. Such as when the entrepreneurial housewife Lisa of the Beverly Hills earth realm rightly marked the venomous snake Kim as her enemy and broke a chalice as the opening battle rite."

"Seriously?! You just don't like Kim because you said she looked like your least-favorite gremlin. Which, I thought you meant those movies, but I guess you meant those are real too...which don't even get me started on that."

Shaking her head, she yelled, "The point is you people are clearly in the middle of a seriously fucked up family murdering and banishing supernatural war IN HELL with your dad and you could use all the help you can get! Don't let your stupid pride or blind allegiance to some honor code screw up your chance to win this thing!"

Caroline added in a smaller voice, "Please don't make me watch you kill your brother."

Klaus was struck by Caroline's compassion as she urged him to spare his traitorous brother. However, he knew that under her gentle heart was an iron will and if he denied her request, she would not forgive easily. Her wrath was quite impressive for such a tiny creature. Rebekah and Kol seemed moved by Caroline's passionate speech, but still they silently eyed him, waiting for his command. Klaus always found himself at cross-purposes with Elijah, but he'd never considered his elder brother an enemy until he sided with Mikael. Show Elijah the mercy that Mikael has never shown.

"Swear, brother," Klaus commanded, "swear allegiance to me and mine. That you will not rest until we have defeated Mikael and I ascend the hellfire throne." He braced for Elijah's stubborn refusal, his other siblings poised to cut him down should one of his tedious violent tendencies appear. Contrary to his bloodthirsty reputation, Klaus took no pleasure in destroying his kinsmen. There's a way out; take it, brother.

Elijah stared blankly ahead as he replied, "It is heresy to speak against our father."

Heresy — the one sin Mikael delighted in burdening them with — he often would visit the Sixth Circle just to watch the heretics burn. The human concept of heresy bore no weight in hell, of course. In hell, heresy meant anyone who took advantage of the hopeful — regardless of faith. Mostly it was a fiery pit full of televangelists, but a few home shopping channel and infomercial hosts were scattered throughout for a bit more flavor.

At Elijah's disturbingly calm demeanor, Klaus tensed, ensuring that he was angled to protect Caroline in case his foolhardy brother lunged for her once again. Kol and Rebekah stood in similar positions, with Kol resting his blade threateningly underneath Elijah's chin. Klaus' lips twitched as he observed that Kol seemed to have fallen under Caroline's spell. Beer and pizza were quite insidious, delicious weapons of persuasion.

"It may be heresy to speak against our father, and may the gods curse me into oblivion, but I willingly do so now. Niklaus, your human is surprisingly gentle of heart and has pleaded for my life when I've been unworthy of such a blessing." With head bent low, he vowed, "I pledge to protect your human's life with mine, and upon my oath, I swear allegiance to you, Niklaus, prince of hell, and will fight with my every breath to ensure your ascension to the hellfire throne."

There was a moment where the silence hung heavy in the kitchen as they all seemed to be in shock. It was the first time in ages that Klaus could recall so many of his siblings uniting behind him. Together, they would defeat Mikael. He wasn't alone.

Rebekah seemed on the verge of tears — a concerning prospect considering the last time it happened, she rampaged through the past lives' dimension, hurling eternal hellfire into the River of Rebirth. It was a nightmare situation that to this day still caused some humans to believe they'd been Cleopatra in a past life.

Fortunately, Caroline had wisely moved away from the group, quietly positioning herself between the exit and knife station. Clever girl. She was going to do so well in his family.

Kol cut through Elijah's bonds and helped him to his feet, clapping him on the back with a broad grin. "Welcome back, brother." Rebekah blinked rapidly, silently wrapping Elijah up in a ferocious embrace.

"Good to have you with us," Klaus told him, shaking Elijah's hand as Kol and Rebekah started chattering excitedly, pelting him with questions about the latest hell gossip (everyone knew Elijah cavorted with a very well-connected succubus.)

In the middle of their revelry, Caroline asked in confusion, "Seriously?! Family murder and betrayal and whatever else happened in hell and you guys are just...over it now?"

"Well, to be fair, our mother was a traitorous devil," Klaus replied.

"Sadistic whore," Rebekah agreed with a careless shrug.

Elijah nodded solemnly. "A heartless, malignant cancer."

"Vengeful, vile bitch monster," Kol said with a nostalgic sigh.

As Caroline rubbed her temples in disbelief, Klaus slung a companionable arm around her waist, telling her fondly, "You'll get used to it."