Author's note: Thanks for your patience and all of the encouraging reviews, kudos and notes you sent me about this story! In this chapter, we FINALLY go to hell!
It seemed to be an egregious sum of beer and pizza. Granted, Klaus wasn't sure what the appropriate quantities of beer and pizza would be to bring to the hell, but he was certain towering stacks of pizza boxes precariously balanced upon pitchforks and enchanting rows of beer kegs to roll themselves into the Portal of Damnation was considered egregious.
Normally, Caroline was quick to point out any perceived slight against her people's tedious customs, but instead she watched the progression of animated beer kegs with an unflinching resolve. He was concerned that she hadn't blinked in some time. Humans seemed to require frequent blinking. Moist eyeballs were probably important.
"Alright there, love?" He kept his tone gentle, knowing that the elaborate ritual they'd just performed with Finn's blood that restored his powers had been somewhat...chaotic for Caroline. Between Elijah's pretentious Latin chanting and Rebekah's screeching disagreements with Kol regarding the correct way to disembowel grim reapers, it had been a bit of a day for his feisty little human. Not to mention Klaus' wings hadn't reformed as quickly as anticipated. It was quite humiliating — he'd never suffered from shy unfurling before.
Fortunately, his wings finally had flared out just as the rest of his powers returned so that he could bestow upon Caroline every protection she would need to protect her mortal body against the rigors of the hell dimensions.
Caroline nodded mutely, staring at his siblings' shameless kitchen raiding. When Elijah hovered near a row of overhead cabinets with a flick of his leathery wings, she seemed to snap out of her shock to admonish, "Not the cans of cherry tomatoes; if you want decent a marinara base, you better grab the San Marzano cans."
Whirling around to point at Kol, whose cheeks were shamelessly stuffed with prosciutto-garlic bread while he carried an armload of equipment toward the portal, she commanded, "And don't you dare drop my favorite dough press!"
A slight smile touched Rebekah's lips at Caroline's suddenly domineering presence, and she nodded in approval. Gesturing toward the portal, she sighed irritably, "The Portal of Damnation is one of the lesser portals into hell, but unfortunately, there's no helping it as we must avoid the more obvious portals in which our father's armies have laid claim." She confided with a scandalized expression, "It doesn't even have gargoyle gatekeepers."
Klaus was pleased at how quickly Caroline managed to adopt a commiserating expression at Rebekah's foolishness. His chosen queen would do brilliantly in the infernal kingdom. Feeling his fangs start to descend once again, he quickly downed another goblet of blood, irritated that his bloodlust had returned with a vengeance along with his hellfire powers.
Caroline captured his attention once more, biting her bottom lips in that endearing way that made him want to nibble it for her. When it would be permissible to ask her to allow his fangs to be put to her flesh? "I saw Drag Me to Hell," she blurted out, pulling him from his pleasant musings. "It was a very squishy movie."
It was clear from her matter-of-fact tone that he was expected to...acknowledge this in some way. He settled for nodding sagely, feeling that his little firebrand would appreciate a more stoic look regarding her revelation. He barely held back an indulgent chuckle as she ran to the overhead rack of oven tools and pulled out her favorite pizza peel. Marching toward him with new determination, she raised it in her clenched fist, telling Klaus firmly, "Ok. I'm ready."
Brimstone and cleansing fire. Unholy screeches and flesh ripping wetly. He was home at last. Klaus stepped confidently into his realm, pausing to fondly caress a flame that playfully curled out from the cursed soil. In the distance, he could see the Lava Pit of Lobbyists glowing cheerfully, melting the flesh and bones of the damned. Imps scampered to and fro, cackling as they plunged pitchforks into the onyx cavern walls to make them bleed.
But then the peaceful tranquility of the snarling demon torturers and hopeless screams of the damned was shattered by a pained bellow. Klaus whipped his head around to find Caroline fiercely pummeling several fanged heads of the welcome hydra with her pizza peel. The bewildered creature was quite chastened, and several sets of its glowing red eyes looked imploringly at Klaus.
"Caroline, we do not hit the welcome hydra," Klaus admonished her, a bit alarmed by the untethered violence he read in her gaze and she continued to vigorously bash the beast with the flat of her pizza peel again and again. Fierce little human.
Kol traded an uncertain glance with Rebekah, who cooed gently while patting the spiked tail of the beast, reproach coloring his tone as he told Caroline, "When the welcome hydra was but a hatchling, we used to feed it toes torn from the colonizing monarchs in the Eighth Circle."
Caroline gaped at them all, aimlessly waving the pizza peel about as she sheepishly said, "Um...sorry I didn't realize the scary monster with all the fangy heads sniffing me was your hell poodle."
Rebekah paused in directing the ghouls to transport the beer kegs, grumbling, "Honestly, Caroline, if your heart is set aflutter at the least little thing down here, it's going to be a very long eternity."
Blue fire was stoked in Caroline's gaze at his sister's vexing words, and Klaus steeled himself for his queen's latest diatribe. Instead, Elijah distracted Caroline by openly admiring the pizza peel, and when she released it to his inquisitive hands, he said appreciatively, "It's a fine weapon to be sure, and surprisingly well-balanced. Tell me, have you had much cause to wield it in battle?"
"I've often wanted to," Caroline replied with a dark chuckle, "mostly when my employees try to pad their timecard." Sliding her gaze toward Klaus, she lightly poked his chest, warning him, "Also, I don't recall agreeing to eternity down here and need I remind you that I left Jeremy of all people in charge of Fire and Feast? NO WAY am I going to let my restaurant go to hell just because I ACTUALLY went there!"
Klaus' siblings sensed the brewing argument and awkwardly shuffled away, mumbling about the sudden need to prepare the hidden stronghold near the Acheron River for their arrival. After they left, he finally acknowledged with a sigh, "I suppose I was a bit hasty in my approach."
"A bit?! You skipped a bunch of steps in our relationship AGAIN and just jumped straight into eternity!" She stomped her foot and the flames that rose from the cursed soil wisely scattered. His queen's temper was glorious.
Despite her rage, he noted how she trembled, eyes darting to the sides warily as she took in the many gruesome sights of his kingdom. The endless expanse of serpent coils rose from the onyx caverns far above even the highest of temples as the great serpent Jormungandr slumbered, blackest poison dripping from fangs. Greasy entrails dangled like grisly lace along the towering columns. Demons frolicked across the Desolate Plains of Embezzlers, clacking their claws made slippery from torturing the damned. Foolish bastard — you seek your queen's safety and yet expose her to these nightmares in the process. It seemed his time in the mortal realm had not been as instructive as he'd assumed.
"I...apologize for making you feel..." he trailed off, searching for the right word. Hungry? No, that wasn't it. "Fearful?" At Caroline's slight smile, he rushed on with, "I would have you feel safe in my home. What oaths do you require to make it so?"
Caroline surprised him by stepping slightly from his embrace, as though his words alone served as her shield. She took his hand, her words earnest as she replied, "That we are equals and talk things through so that I can understand."
Gently leading her around the welcome hydra (who flinched a bit when a few stray flames of damnation reflected in the shiny surface of Caroline's pizza peel), he offered, "Your terms are agreeable. What things do you wish to know?"
Despite Caroline's obvious wariness, her blue eyes lit up with childlike wonder as she told him, "We're in hell! Where do I even start?" Shaking her head in disbelief, she asked, "Kol was fucking with me, right? About there being an actual Eighth Circle of hell? Like from Dante's Inferno?"
"Dante? That grasping exiled poet barely could write his name before he made a bargain with our djinn," Klaus scoffed. At Caroline's excited gasp, he smirked as he confessed, "Djinn are incorrigible gossips and they rambled at length to that upstart Italian about all manner of hell dimensions. His ill-conceived scribblings somewhat reflect the truth of my realm."
He nodded toward the crimson horizon, boasting, "The Desolate Plains of Embezzlers mark the entrance to the Eighth Circle where those who commit grievous fraud have been condemned." With a wink, he added, "Colonizing monarchs are quite the favored delicacy among the demons."
Gaping up at him, she seemed to struggle to find the right questions to ask. Finally, she said, "Good. But also like Ponzi scheme guys or assholes who scam the elderly are in there too?"
"Also many individuals who worshipped at a monument known as 'Great Wall of Street'." Inwardly groaning as he watched the wheels turn in his queen's clever brain, he braced himself for the inevitable barrage of questions.
"You've mentioned different hell dimensions — does that mean there's one circle of hell per dimension, or are there multiple circles, or maybe multiple dimensions, and what about parallel dimensions — is that a thing? And does hell follow a specific religious doctrine, or are they all mushed together, or maybe you guys just do like an ironic punishments thing, and who actually figures out the punishments, and who administers the punishments, and how many kinds of creatures are down here, and how many humans are down here, and is there a way to earn your way out like a points system and —"
Smiling indulgently at Caroline, Klaus felt inexplicably lighter seeing how she'd visibly relaxed and no longer flinched at the foreboding hum of the Ritual Chanting of the Fallen — not even the steady shrieks from the Barefooted LEGO Fields caused her more distress than a raised eyebrow. "I am pleased to see you appear more at ease in my lands and even more grateful to hear your genuine curiosity. I will happily answer your questions as we go along, but..." he trailed off, feeling his beast's desire arise as his body became reacquainted with the lusty thrall of his realm.
He tugged her toward the mighty archway of bones, caressing his fangs with the tip of his tongue. "Right now, I'd very much like to fuck you underneath the salt-scored bones of my enemies." The unmistakable flare of arousal in her gaze was all the warning Klaus received before Caroline leapt at his torso and smashed her lips against his, rubbing her delectable curves all over his body in a furious display of passion.
He lightly trailed his fangs down her neck, and at her squeal of pleasure, started to carefully press down. Her flesh called to him. She smelled so unbelievably — oh. Damn it. She suddenly stiffened in his arms and he reluctantly released Caroline just in time for her to collapse against one smoke-blackened pillar of the archway of bones, vomiting profusely.
With a reluctant sigh, Klaus leaned over to hold back her hair, helpfully explaining, "That would be the brimstone. Not to worry — everyone gets sick the first time they smell it."