Author's note: Dante's Inferno only had nine circles, so from this point on, we're doing hell: the remix.
The bats had stopped swooping in their precise, undulating formations overhead. They were supposed to be perfectly timed to the 15-piece chamber orchestra, but instead their lazy arcs were haphazard and disorderly. Disgraceful. The wind instruments played an impudent melody, the perfect backdrop for admiring his queen as she spoke animatedly to Kol. Caroline looked as though flames had been poured along her delicious curves and the fiery reds and coppers gave her ivory skin a marvelous glow. Klaus made a note to allow Rebekah's succubi stylists first pick of the latest influx of virgins.
The cavernous ballroom was filled with his adoring acolytes, but Klaus only had eyes for Caroline. As odd as it may sound for a radiant creature so full of light, she fit here in his world. He bit back a smile as he recalled how she'd openly admired the fringe on the tapestries and Elijah made the idiotic error of informing her that the "fringe" was actually eyelashes torn from the damned. A lesser mortal would've run away, shrieking their fragile little soul out, but Caroline merely scrunched her nose and told Klaus to fire his decorator. Bloody minx.
The air buzzed with anticipation, and the stringed instruments did little to soften the fire that was stoked in every creatures' blood for what was to come. The sweet chaos of war. Glorious vengeance. Since Klaus and his siblings had returned to hell, battles had begun to erupt across the dimensions, and while Mikael's loyal followers often lacked brute strength, Mikael's cunning strategies tended to sway the odds in his favor.
It's why this coronation was imperative; Klaus would shore up alliances and solidify his power. He preened at the attention he received from those in attendance, how they bowed in deference and eagerly sought his attention. Flattery and devotion always came easy for one such as he, and his exile served to fuel the sycophants' deepest desire to align themselves with their mysterious dark prince of hell. It was easy to become lost in the adoration, but his Caroline certainly kept him grounded.
"I don't even want to be in the same room with that thing and you're seriously expecting me to hug it while doing a hell Zumba class?!"
He'd sighed in exasperation, pinching the bridge of his nose as he explained again, "It's the Demonic Horns of Adversarial Flesh and you merely need to hold it aloft while dancing to the Unholy of Unholies Ritual Song." Honestly, why was this so difficult to comprehend?
Rolling her eyes, Caroline snorted, "Right. Sorry for being a little freaked out that my boyfriend tossed a severed head at me like a Frisbee before announcing I had to dance with it in a gigantic room full of your hell minions!"
"It's not a severed head. It's just the horns cleaved from a severed head," Klaus helpfully replied.
"It's...it's squishy!"
Softening at his love's distress, he favored her with a gentle smile. "Oh sweetheart, it's not like I'm completely unreasonable. I'd be delighted to remove some of the dripping sinew and rotted flesh."
And to think Caroline thought he didn't know how to compromise.
"Her legs only bend ONE way." Klaus jerked his head up when he heard those malicious words snake across the cavernous ballroom. He spied a group of lesser devils standing beneath an obsidian archway, all casting venomous glances at his beloved who was giggling delightedly at whatever nonsense Kol was blathering at her. He heaved a great sigh. Every one of those lesser devils, those snakes of the pit, had been his bedmates upon occasion. Many, many occasions. Often concurrent occasions...
He suspected Caroline would be most displeased if these vile whispers reached her ears. With a low growl, he marched toward the lesser devils, intending to divest them of their hooves, when more of their vicious words spewed forth.
"She probably doesn't even have a quadra-vagina."
"Klaus is probably fine with two though."
"Do humans even have double vaginas?"
"Probably. They definitely don't have more than three."
Despite his growing fury at his former bedmates' cowardly jabbering, that last thought gave him pause. Perhaps he wasn't as well acquainted with human anatomy as he'd presumed? In his amorous liaisons with Caroline, only one vagina had appeared. Perhaps additional vaginas were retractable, like a gorgon's tusks? He eagerly anticipated examining Caroline thoroughly once this blasted coronation was complete.
The detestable group of lesser devils gave an audible gasp at his sudden appearance, wisely trembling before his furious golden gaze. "You dare to slander my chosen," he silkily stated, purposely keeping his voice low to avoid a scene. He'd learned all too well that nothing raised the ire of his Caroline like a scene. (Apparently, he was expected to just know that the uniformed ruffian was delivering a benign correspondence rather than a hex of some sort. Also, their motto of 'Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds' was not a diabolical incantation.)
Not bothering to wait for a reply, Klaus flipped the lesser devils over, ruthlessly shattering each hoof with the slightest tapping of his claws. They painfully crawled away from the jeering passersby, bowing their heads in shame.
"What the hell, Klaus," Caroline hissed, marching over with a positively delighted Kol. "You said this was one of the few ceremonies that wouldn't involve violence!"
Snickering, Kol told her, "It's not like their hooves won't grow back, pet." Peering at Klaus with a slight frown, he growled, "But perhaps you should ensure their regrowth is agonizingly slow?" Turning his gaze to Caroline, he clumsily patted her on the back, his tone reassuring as he added, "It seems those puffed-up dullards have tarried a bit too long in the Tenth Circle where we torture those souls with hateful hearts. Lately, we've been incorporating amusing idioms into their daily run-throughs. There's this one that's become my personal favorite. It's something to do with cutting off a nose with spite or some such nonsense and you'd be surprise how much blood you can squeeze out by —"
"Let's not bore Caroline with the details," Klaus hastily interrupted his brother, noticing that Caroline had paled a bit with Kol's exuberant descriptions.
Giving Klaus a weak smile, Caroline replied, "I think I'll go check in with Rebekah." With a sweeping gesture to the flames tracing those delectable curves, she explained, "She'd mentioned these are borrowed from the Sacrificial Promethean Well and if she doesn't reignite them every so often my liver will start shrinking." To Klaus' utter delight, she muttered in his ear as she walked by, "And I have one vagina, you clueless hell spawn dumbass."
"Cheeky little thing. But I must say, your chosen has adapted surprisingly well," Kol said with a hint of admiration.
Stiffening when he noticed one of his more ambitious demons slyly approach Caroline, Klaus ground out, "Yes, well, she's quite fond of a movie franchise that explores raising hell and seems to think they've somewhat prepared her for all of this. Although she mentioned a bit of disappointment that the gates aren't controlled by a mystical puzzle box."
"Do tell," his brother said, eyes alight with merriment. "I always enjoy exploring humans' ridiculous notions of hell before we proceed to the torture."
Feeling his blood begin to boil as the demon leaned closer to Caroline, Klaus distractedly told Kol, "Caroline affectionately calls these movies guilty pleasure torture porn." Smirking at his younger brother's overeager expression, he revealed, "Calm yourself, brother. They're even more mundane than a hell christening." Also, mortals were oddly fixated on leather, spikes and chain hooks.
That upstart demon dared to place his rotting scales upon Caroline's silken skin?! As Klaus growled at the grave offence, storming off to relieve his minion of his limbs, Kol scampered behind him to giggle, "It appears that not everyone learned their lesson about the sacredness of Caroline's lovely bits."
Caroline looked politely bored by the demon's murmured boasts, telling him, "You're in charge of...skinning? That's really, um...something."
"Tyler, you appear to have at least five too many limbs. Allow me to remove them for you."
Tyler jumped, his scales turning a sickly green as he realized Klaus had joined them. "S-sire, I didn't realize I —"
"Was chatting up the future king of hell's consort," Kol interrupted with a wicked gleam. "Don't fret; my brother will ensure you don't make that mistake again." Wispy black smoke suddenly gathered at his side and Caroline's pizza peel appeared. Handing it to Caroline with a wink, he slyly offered, "Unless you'd like the pleasure of teaching him yourself, pet?"
Gaping at them, Caroline clutched the handle, lips held in a thin line of disapproval as she said, "Um, no thanks. I'm not going to beat someone for talking to me." Pointing the pizza peel at Klaus, she snarled, "Seriously?! You're an immortal prince of hell who's about to lead armies of scary nightmare creatures to become king. Plus, that Michelangelo ass is basically chiseled marble. How can you possibly be this insecure?!"
Klaus felt himself grow unnaturally warm at Caroline's blatant perusal, ignoring Kol's park of laughter to pull her close. He ran his nose along her jawline, letting out a possessive growl as he smelled her obvious arousal. "You're a maddening, diabolical creature sent to torment me, I swear. Only you can bring out these troublesome feelings."
It was a rare moment when his queen was struck speechless. Out of the corner of his fiery gaze, he noticed Tyler cowardly slink off, and Klaus ducked his curly head to take Caroline's lips in a passionate kiss. However, before he could whisk her away to a cozy little pit of despair for a little tension relief, the floor trembled beneath them and he realized the coronation was about to begin.
An obsidian dais was raised beneath their feet, allowing them to tower above the cavernous ballroom. Klaus' siblings unfurled their impressive leathery wings, and with a few careless flicks, they joined Klaus and Caroline. Klaus was pleased when he detected not a hint of fear from Caroline when she took the Golden Naga Scepter and its cobra hood spread wide in violent reaction to her touch. The roar of the crowds below seemed to invigorate his chosen, and she raised it high above her head to signal the ritual chanting, just as they'd practiced.
The cacophony echoed throughout the chamber, the hard-edged notes laced with the sagas of every battle he'd faced throughout the millennia. His devoted knelt before him, their shrieks of adulation igniting his blood. "We bring glorious war to our world! Mikael shall fall by my hand and I will ascend the hellfire throne!"
"My King," the scores of minions bellowed, pledging their devotion by presenting blood and bone.
His siblings stood behind him, their stone-faced silence declaring their unwavering support. His pride soared at the sight of his family united to his cause; never before had he tasted such loyalty from his blood. And Caroline. He gazed in wonder at this curious little creature who'd embraced the supernatural with surprising grace and courage. Mine, his blood called out to him, urging him to take her before this congregation of his most devoted.
With a disgruntled sigh, Klaus suspected Caroline would not allow such a public display — yet. Besides, it was just poor etiquette to fornicate before the presentation of the Demonic Horns of Adversarial Flesh and dance of the Unholy of Unholies Ritual Song.
Klaus was so distracted by Caroline's charming attempt to dodge the Golden Naga Scepter's fangs while handing him the scepter that he didn't register the quake until the entire cavern shook. They were under attack — Mikael's armies had arrived.