Take Me Or Leave Me
The wise take a knife, cut the cord, and free themselves from the fools.
There had been times in Mercy's' life when she'd felt like she was going around in circles, attracting like people whose only agenda was to use her for one thing and another, fake friends that lulled her into a false sense of security just to pull the comfort rug from underneath her when she least expected it, and for every time she was sat crying into her hands she knew for sure it needed to stop. Regardless of how much she was secure in that knowledge it didn't hinder her from falling back into the same traps time after time, she was going to be 35 in a few months and something within her had shifted, she didn't understand it, but she knew it had happened.
She was sat in the restaurant listening to yet another waste man giving her the 'starting to care too much about you' speech when she had her epiphany, she needed to free herself from these damn fools "Sorry" she stood up, it didn't actual feel voluntary, but she knew it was something she's been compelled to do "I can't do this"
"Can't do what?" Matt stood up asking her
"Whatever the hell you think this is" she grabbed her coat "Don't call me again" she warned before exiting the restaurant
She got outside and her first thought was to call Tina, her person, Tina, and her had started in kindergarten together, went through school, and finally parted company when they went off to college. The distance hadn't dampened their relationship, until Tina met Mike, got married, and had a son. Regular phone contact was the most they had these days with the usual visit on family occasions and their shared birthday celebration, when they'd rotate visits.
Mercy had been taunted by these random flashes for a while, but now, tonight, in that second, the scene that had flashed before her so vivid yet confusing, scared her to the point she knew she had to leave that place and that person immediately.
She pulled her phone out and for whatever reason stepped out into the road, she was greeted by horns, shouting, and verbal abuse for making the traffic stop "What the hell?" she asked herself unable to understand why she'd walk into the path of traffic without even looking "Sorry" she waved at the driver and stepped back onto the path before putting her phone back in her pocket. When she got home the first thing she did was call Tina, the whole week had been a funny week, but today had been the weirdest of them all "What do you think is happening to me?" she asked after telling Tina what had happened
"I don't know, I mean out of body experiences, rebirth, this is crazy stuff girl" Tina's replied, worried
"You think I'm mad?"
"No" Tina laughed trying to lighten the conversation "Not mad, maybe stressed, do you speak to anyone?"
"I'm speaking to you"
"No, I mean a professional?"
"I don't have time for that shit with my schedule"
"Girl if you don't sort yourself out, there'll be no schedule"
"Do you think it's that serious?"
"Promise me you'll book an appointment" Tina huffed "I wished I was closer right now"
"I wished you were too"
"Promise me Mercy"
"I promise" she agreed before closing it down
"The next morning Mercy was on the phone trying to find a therapist that was open and available as soon as possible. She'd never spoken to a therapist before, so she quickly learned it was a trial and error process until she found the right fit. It had been well over a month before she finally contacted a therapist some ten miles away from her home and made the appointment. After their first meeting she decided that Carol was the one, and booked six sessions, the illusions, or whatever they were, were getting vivid and frightening for her, she desperately needed help.
Two Months Later
The initial meeting went well. Carol didn't look or speak to her as if she'd lost the plot and conversation seemed easy, it also helped that on hearing a snippet of Mercy's dilemma she was really interested in listening and keen to help her work through what she was going through.
The night before her second session, she'd just got back from a local gig, she was so tired she just about kicked off her shoes and fell into bed. It felt like she'd closed her eyes for a second, but when she woke up she understood what was happening to her, she was in transition, everything just clicked together and made perfect sense, she couldn't wait to share her revelation.
She made the journey over to the Carol's office eager to tell her story "So" Carol, shuffled in her chair "These are your sessions, I'll prompt of course but the subject…"
"…Is up to me, I know" she flicked her hair off her shoulder and sat forward excited "There is nothing wrong with me, I promise you, I'm not the one with the problem" she snapped
"Let's start at the beginning, where would you say that was?"
"It would take a lifetime to wonder through my shit?"
"You have a lifetime I want to hear about" Carol laughed
"I'm on a journey Carol, no one seems to understand this journey of mine and it's kind of personal, so I don't feel everyone needs to know about it"
"I'm not everyone and of course you know these sessions are confidential"
"I know I just…"
"Start where you need to start" Carol encouraged her
"I'm transitioning, do you know what that means?"
"I know the term, but tell me what you mean by transitioning"
"I have five alto-egos" she smiled awkwardly "I did a lot of research this morning, so I sort of understand myself on a different level"
"Five?" Carol smiled settling in to hear the intriguing story
"Yeah" she smiled "I've been affected by different triggers in my life that have controlled the way I react, maybe you've heard of the Egyptian's theory about the personalities of the soul, there are five?"
"No not really, but I'm open to learning" Carols smiled
"They named a personality at birth Wren and I believe her to be my inner child, which I'm calling Tots" Mercy smiled "And I called her that because tots were like the world to me when I was a child, I would kill for tots" she giggled
Tots, the child, I got it" Carol smiled writing, something down
"My second personality is what the Egyptian's called Sheut, and I believe her to be my shadow side, I call her Diva, she's a bad bitch, real ghetto, always ready to go gangster with her shit, because she's also a divine masculine, don't mess with that one she will rip a bitch apart.
"Bad bitch I like it" Carol smiled
"But in tune to the masculine there has to be a feminine, right?"
"I guess" Carol smiled seeing where this was going
"And the Egyptians call the third one Ib which is my divine feminine, I call her Mercy, because everyone who knows her personally calls her that, this personality cares for everyone and everything around her" she laughed "I mean to the point of self-neglect sometimes, it gets bad"
"So that's Tots, Diva, and Mercy" Carol counted on her fingers, while Mercy nodded confirmation
"The fourth personality is Ba which I believe is my boss energy, I call her Mercedes, which is as you know my professional name, I've felt so comfortable in her skin for so long and it's done so much for me in my life. She's a boss bitch, she's got all she needs, the career, education, house, and she knows her worth, she feels like a reliable princess, and she walks like a damn boss"
"True" Carol giggled at Mercedes snap that attitude
"Too True" Mercy smiled "The fifth personality the Egyptians call Ka which I believe is where I'm transitioning to, I call her Jones, because calling her my last name sort of makes sense to me, she's arriving, rounding up" she sat in the silence trying to pull that together "It's kind of scary but exciting, the thought of having this other layer to me sets off a friary energy, I feel like I need to race into it.
"Are those characteristics not personalities?"
"They're both I guess because they're all versions of me that I call on in different situations"
"How?"
"I think calling on them might be the wrong turn of phrase, knowing when they're in play might be better, they all live in me, does that make sense?"
"Explain" Carol sat forward interested
"I'm their house, so take Tots for example, she lives in my bedroom, growing up that was a place in which her mind wondered, her pretend world was huge anything was possible at the flick of her wrist" she laughed "She still dresses up, plays with bath bubbles all that stuff, she reverts back to that spoilt child in there" they sat in the silence "And sometimes I go back to that place when my agent tells me things can't work the way I want them to, I'm standing in the middle of the room demanding everyone jump to my tune" she laughed
"I get like that sometimes" Carol laughed
"Then Diva lives maybe in the closet, back then she wasn't sure of herself, she was scared of being judged, not being liked, unsure of her abilities and so that's where Diva shone most in her own mind, in the comfort of her own company" she smiled "But Diva also has some dark, rachett stuff going on in her head that made everyone second guess about handling her, she doesn't like being handled, I guess she wrestles with her introvert needing to be extravert" she frowned " I have to hide her because should she ever act on what's in her head, she'd be in trouble" she giggled "I'm scared of her"
"So, where's Mercy?"
"She lives in the kitchen, that's where most of the stuff in her home happens with others, meetings, dinner parties, family gatherings, socialising everything centres around her kitchen, which is quite big, it's been purpose built for Mercy to indulge in her people pleasing personality
"The bedroom, closet, kitchen" Carol nodded to confirm she was listening "You do know that multiple personality disorder is a thing?"
"Of course, I do" Mercy laughed "I've seen the movie"
"And this isn't it?"
"No" she laughed "I don't believe I come under the mundane description of that disorder" she waved the comment off confidently "I'm a spiritual being"
"Okay" Carol signalled for her to carry on
"Mercedes" she sat forward "She lives in her natural habitat, a place she had built to accommodate her Ba" she laughed "The studio, she's totally in control in there, she knows what she needs to do, how she needs to do it, and who she needs to do it with. That's her confident space in total contrast to her Diva complex introvert, she produces big energetic powerhouse ballads, kicks ass on the big screen, everything she does has to be perfect.
"And Jones?"
"She is definitely sitting in her garage" Mercedes laughed "I have images in my mind of her rolling out in a Bugatti La Voiture Noire in all her damn glory, everyone looking on smiling at the fact that she has arrived, this is a bitch that knows her worth, that's all they'll have to whisper about her"
"So, she's going to be richer?"
"It's a metaphor" Mercy laughed "It might not be money, it could be a plethora of things, fame, knowledge, maybe even love"
"Why even love?"
"My boss lady shit doesn't sit well with the men I come into contact with" she huffed "And I seem to attract the kind of man that wants to be my damn boss when they can't even boss themselves"
"I'm not saying you've had too much time to reflect, but maybe you need to get out more"
"These two weeks represent the longest break I've had in nearly four years, being me isn't as easy as it looks" she smiled "I felt the shift and I know I'm ready for the next phase"
"Whatever that may be?"
"Whatever" she laughed "I can feel myself moving away from certain behaviours, foods, people"
"So, what's happening to you?"
"I've realised in order to be happy I've got to understand myself, know what triggers my inner personalities, how to allow them to work together to bring me to that new place, the one that excites me"
"You believe this?"
"Of course, I believe it"
"So, in this alternate world of yours what happens next?"
"All of my personalities need to be acknowledged, because I have five purposes, but it's a struggle, and sometimes I don't feel comfortable, with when or even how they present themselves"
"So, who are you now?"
"I'm slipping between Mercy and Mercedes"
"Okay" Carol continued scribbling her notes "We can pick this up again at our next meeting"
"It's our birthday weekend, my friend is coming into town, she grinned "Should be a good weekend"
"Enjoy" Carol smiled "We had a good session; how do you think it went?"
"To be honest after last night, saying it out loud has helped me to understand myself a bit better" she frowned "Are you thinking I'm schizophrenic?"
"Jury's out on that one, because I actually relate to some of what you've said" Carol laughed
"Thanks" Mercy smiled "It was good to let all that out" she got up "I'll call for an appointment the next time I find a gap"
"Bring on that gap" Carol called after her watching her leave her office
Mercy was on a clock, she was picking Tina up, they were descending on the hairdressers, getting something quick to eat, and then home to get ready for their first night out, the birthday weekend was starting straight away because Tina had to be on her way back on Sunday evening.
"Information overload" Tina held her hand up in the middle of dessert "Can we stop with the psychoanalyses on your multiple personalities"
"We all have them" Mercy laughed
"And we have birthdays to celebrate so let's concentrate on those shall we?"
"Not too much drink tonight" Mercy warned
"I get away from Mike and Junior once a year, I'm going to drink Mercy"
The Party
Within three hours of getting home they were heading for the club "Sorry" Mercy told Tina "I know it's our weekend, but I just wanted this over with" they walked in to cheering, all of the faces were work related, the décor, and music, not reflecting her at all, especially now she'd seen her truth.
"It's fine" Tina smiled walking in the opposite direction to her as the crowd descended
"T" she called her to follow her as she was forced to move through the crowd
"It's fine, find me" Tina called after her walking towards the bar
Mercedes walked around talking to her guests, conversations were short, they had nothing other than work in common, eventually nearly two hours later she found Tina "T" she gasped, seeing her friend wasted, her purse sat on the stool next to her "What have you taken", Tina said nothing just held up an empty bottle of champagne, "Fuck" she gasped again, for taking her eye off the ball, "Outside" she snapped at her, dragging her purse off the chair, to get her out, "T" she moaned when she slumped onto one of the benches outside the venue, "T" she shook her again, rolling her eyes at her friend closing down the night so early by drinking so much
"Had enough?" a voice asked
"Not really" she looked up at him
"I was talking about your friend" he laughed "This shit happens when you call free bar"
"So, this is my fault?" she looked up at him with narrowed eyes
"I'm sorry, I didn't realise it was your party" he smiled, flicking his cigarette into the ash bin before turning to go back into the venue
"I'm sorry" she called after him
"Apology accepted" he smiled
"It's just this wasn't how I envisaged spending the evening, but it's my fault I was working the room and left her alone, she doesn't know anyone here"
"Snap" he walked back towards her "I've had the weirdest week, my friends thought I needed to get out and brought me here" he rolled his eyes
"I can identify with weird" she smiled "Sit down, tell me your weird, maybe we can come up with something better than a damn birthday party" she tapped the bench before lifting Tina's head to rest it in her lap
"I don't feel comfortable talking about it" he smiled "Not without a drink"
"Okay" she smiled watching him walk back into the venue, while she sat watching Tina sleep wondering how she was going to get her into a cab, she decided to take a moment before enlisting some help
"Thought you might need a drink to keep warm" the guy came out with two drinks in his hand
"Thanks" she smiled up at him taking the drink "Dutch courage?" she asked watching him sit down
"To be honest even I'm beginning to question my sanity" he smiled
"Your weird week?"
"It started with the best joint I've ever had" he laughed
"Hallucinations?"
"That's what I thought, but when I remembered everything vividly, I started to pay attention, it was like one of those dreams you have when you wake up sweating and scared" his fingers tightly gripping together as he relived the experience "Only days went by and I was still thinking about it, being forced to think about it"
"Forced?"
"Mad yeah?" he smiled "It was like a lightbulb moment"
"They say that's how good weed affects the brain"
"Not mine, not three days later" he shook his head "That's not the best of it, the next day I found myself doing stupid shit like setting up life insurance, buying a house, I'm starting my own business, that's just not me, it's like I just shifted"
"You brought a house, in a week?"
"In a day" he laughed "My mother says I'm nesting, transforming or something" he rolled his eyes
"Transformation?" Mercy looked at him interested
"Yeah, she laughed saying I was finally becoming a man" he laughed "But seriously, it feels like something inside me is fighting to get out, and to be honest, I feel excited about it, even though I have no idea what it is"
"What do you think this thing is?" she looked at him "I mean if you had find a name for it, what would it be?"
"Sam" he looked at her funny "I've always been Sam"
"Sorry" she giggle "I've been reading about the personalities of the soul, it's an Egyptian theory"
"What does it do, am I relating to it?"
"Kind off" she rolled her eyes "It sounds stupid, but I find it easier to name my different personalities, I understand myself better"
"You have my attention, hit me" he turned to pay attention
"If you were asked to name your child personality, what would you call him?"
"Maybe Pumpkin" he laughed "Every Halloween guaranteed, my mother dressed me up as a damn pumpkin, everyone in our damn village called me that, it had its advantages at the local shops" he sat remembering "I haven't thought about that for a while"
"Adolescence?"
"That one's not even hard" he looked at her "Blond Chameleon" he frowned "I'd eaten so many sweets as a child I had a bit of a podge, it made me really self-conscious, so at that point in my life I did everything I could to fit in, lost weight, dyed my hair with lemon juice, proposed to any girl that found me slightly attractive" he laughed remembering "I did great impressions too, anything for people not to see the real me, it was hard, I was someone completely different to how I was feeling on the inside, I still have a bit of that"
"So, who came through to help when you pulled yourself through that?"
"Oh, I became the gamer, education went out the window for a while I was living off my charm, very cocky" he laughed "Still am sometimes"
"I'd never guess" she laughed, looking down at Tina stirring
"Linked up with a couple of guys and we went full out on the girl front" he frowned "And we didn't care for feelings, it was fun, they were like my brothers, I'm an only child" he told her "Don't mess with mine, fights every weekend mixed with booze and sometimes we'd dabble, we were invincible" he laughed
"What would you have called yourself back then?"
"Maybe white chocolate, I went down a treat, and left a sweet taste" he laughed
"Divine masculine" she smiled
"What?"
"Nothing, thinking out loud" she stroked Tina's hair off her face "What do you call yourself now?
"Sam" he smiled "for a while now I've settled into this guy, focused, I started playing my guitar again, I didn't realise how much I'd missed it. I'm really good with my hands, so I started taking an interest in art as well as my music" he smiled "I've been thinking about starting my own recording company, be my own boss for a while" he rubbed his hands down his trousers "Then this vision and everything just starts coming together for me, I feel like I'm getting prepared for a change I don't even understand"
"It's called Ka"
"What?" he looked at her strangely
"It's your fifth and final personality" she smiled
"So, your saying this is normal?"
"It is, I think society has trivialised it for us and called it shit like childhood, adolescence, adulthood, maturity, old age even" she smiled "And when we get those words thrown at us without the knowledge behind it, it messes us up for a while" she looked at him "So we're either rushing towards it, or running away from it, without actually looking or taking the time to understand what's happening for us"
"That's deep"
"We're deep" she smiled "So here we are both in transition, unsure what the future is but knowing there's something more"
"Buying houses, building businesses, mom calls it nesting" he laughed
"At least you're buying a house, I have my house inside me"
"Seriously?" he looked at her body "Small house" he laughed
"Metaphorically of course" she laughed "I put my egos in different rooms in the house, but I like your concept of buying a house to put them all in"
"I'm hitting forty in four years, I really don't have time to play around anymore, relationship wise, white chocolate is well in my past…" he looked at her "I didn't get your name"
"I'm Tots, Diva, Mercy, Mercedes and I'm hoping to turn into Jones in the very near future"
"Well," he laughed "Fellow transition friend, pleased to meet you"
"Please to meet you too"
"I think I'll call my Ka Evans, that will be the name of everyone that lives in my home"
"Evans" she held her hand out for shaking "My house is looking for home"
"That sounded like a serious flirt line" he laughed
"I too am past the messing about age, I'm sitting here with a single, handsome, like minded man, I might as well get my flirt on" she giggled
"I'm up for that" he nodded his head in agreement
"Take me or leave me" she held her hand up flippantly
"This is so crazy" he laughed
"What?"
"That was exactly what I just said to my friends, stood in there I suddenly realised I've grown out of all the chasing bull shit" he pointed at the venue "They jeered me for being different and I said take me or leave me" he looked into her eyes "To you I'm going to say take"
"And I feel like Jones has just arrived" she smiled
"Let's transition together" he smiled
"Are we serious?"
"Let's call today the first day of the rest of our lives" he giggled "Let me make your birthday up to you tomorrow"
"There'll be three of us" she warned looking at Tina
"Do you need help getting her home?"
"Thank you" she let out a breath "Life saver"
"I think you saved my life"
"Let's agree we did that for each other"
"Agreed" he smiled getting up at the music "I love this one, classic, it has to be our song" he laughed holding his hand out for her to grab as 'I Wanna Be Your Man' by Roger blasted out the venue
Sam: I want to be your man, yes, I do, baby, I want to be your man, I want to be your man
"At least give me a first date before we get married" she laughed carefully placing Tina's head before she got up
Both: Better not pass me by, cause if you do you'll lose a good, cause what I've got to say, is sealed with a kiss and a wedding ring
My mind is blind, at times I can't see anyone but you, those other girls don't matter, no, they can't spoil my view
I must make you understand
"I want to be your man" he smiled down at her
"I really want to be your woman too; do you think we'll make it?"
"Feels like we will" they stared into each other's eyes "I want to…"
"Mercy" Tina stirred "I'm going to be sick" she sat up
"Time to get her home" Mercy smiled at Sam
"Can I come home too?" he asked cheekily
"Before you've even paid for a dinner?" she laughed
"I'll grab a pizza" he suggested
"That's the cheapest and best meal I've been offered in a while" she laughed signalling for him to grab Tina's arm "Let's go eat"