Torchwood: Divergence
Book Two: Adferiad
Chapter 22
Harkness sighed and leaned back in his seat to rub both hands over his face, taking a few minutes to collect his thoughts and try to decide which of the horrors he'd witnessed over the years were among the worst. It was a very long list…
"Wow… where to start," Jack grimaced, reaching for his bottle to take a quick swig. "Honestly, some of the worst has been in the last couple decades. Let's see… December 31, 1999… 11:58 pm. I came into the Hub to find that Alex had murdered the rest of the team. A couple he caught off guard, the others either fought back or tried to run, but he shot them all till they were dead. When I asked him why, he said it was mercy to spare them the Twenty First Century. That he'd looked into an alien locket called Object 1 or the Red Key, and seen what the future might hold… and Torchwood wasn't ready for what he believed was coming. Told me I should fix it for the sake of the world. Then he blew his brains out right in front of me."
He paused again, obviously sifting through memories he preferred to keep buried, even as he wondered at Ianto's jerk of surprise when he'd mentioned that infernal locket.
"Agnes," the American pronounced, his voice almost a growl of loathing and the name all he needed to say. "Though the Undertaker's Gift could knock her down a notch. That was too close a call in too many ways. Hmm… actually kind of neck and neck with the Lucifer Matches."
He saw Ianto cringe and swallow hard, probably trying to force the idea of making or worse yet drinking Havisham's preferred soapy tasting tea from his mind. Even Gwen looked pained when he spoke the Assessor's name. They all had their share of nightmares about the Already Dead and the time fusion bomb they'd set off. And he'd still be in his own personal Hell if not for Ianto.
"Waking up in the makeshift morgue in London," Jack stated quietly, his voice not quite steady even after taking a deep breath. "Seeing you laid out there beside me, Ianto… hating myself for being such a selfish coward and never telling you I loved you, for keeping so many secrets from you, for hurting you over and over again, for taking you into that building with me without a single thought for your safety. Wishing I was back in that concrete block, because it was as good as being dead and it was what I deserved for getting you killed… Fitting execution for letting them murder you because of my arrogance."
The room was uncomfortably quiet for a span, both the Captain and his young Archivist struggling to put down the emotions that confession had raised. Harkness took a shuddering breath and reached over to briefly caress the scar on Ianto's right cheek before meeting Gwen's worried gaze once more.
"Killing my brother," the former Time Agent finally breathed, knowing he could confess his actions to the friends on either side of him without being reviled or condemned. "It really would have been kinder if he'd died as a child when They took him. There was no sanity or decency or compassion left in him when he hurt all of you to get to me. The little brother I loved and had searched so hard for didn't exist anymore. Gray was a sadistic stranger who tried to destroy my city and killed my friends. So, I chloroformed him, put him in cryo, thought to just leave him there in the hope there may be help for him in the future. But I kept worrying there'd be a system glitch and he'd escape somehow before that time. After the crap with Agnes, I had a nightmare that Gray escaped when I was out on a retrieval and I came back to find that he'd shot you in the head, Gwen. And when I searched the base, I found that he'd crucified Ianto down in the Archives and tortured him to death, then blown his own brains out as a final 'fuck you'.
"When I woke up from that, I went straight down to his drawer and set the life support to shut down so total cellular freeze drying and desiccation would kick in. And I felt more pain and grief when I'd had to let go of Owen and Tosh, more in that nightmare about the two of you, than I did condemning my little brother to death. God… is it any wonder I could sacrifice my own Grandson in front of his mother, then barely shed a tear when it drove her to suicide? I remember you told me I was the biggest monster of all here when I ordered you to execute Lisa, Ianto. And you were right."
"No," Jones denied quietly, unflinchingly meeting first Gwen's shocked gaze, then Jack's guilt filled eyes. "I told you long ago that I was wrong. Sometimes the only choice is the hardest… one life or millions. You have the strength and courage to make that choice, regardless of how much it might hurt you. Others can't always see it at the time. We curse you, hate you, call you a monster and make the guilt grow.
"But when all's said and done, you made the right choice to save the world. That's why you're the true heart of Torchwood, why we follow you regardless of disagreements, why we can start from the end and keep going as many times as we have to. That weight has been grinding you down for decades or what we went through tonight wouldn't have happened. And you really need to do exactly what you told me months ago… Let. It. Go."
The Captain's jaw tightened and he started to rise from his chair, but both of his companions reached out to grab the hand nearest them and keep him sitting down.
"If Ianto and I can't understand and try to help you Jack, who can?" Gwen demanded fiercely. "If you're going to cry, then bloody well cry. No one here is going to begrudge you that right or love you any less for being human. I told you before that you can't just run away. Face what's hurting you. No matter how deep the pit it opens, Ianto and I won't let you fall, I promise."
"We'll even erase the CCTV footage and splice in bits of Gwen's wedding instead," Ianto offered, hoping to ease his partner's misery at least a little with a bit of levity, even if it was terribly misplaced. "Or an episode of 'Top Gear', your choice."
Harkness actually relaxed slightly and managed a weary smile.
"Oh, 'Top Gear', definitely," he grated shakily. "Hey, I can make Earth shattering decisions on the verge of hysteria… that must mean something."
"It means you need to come over here by the door and sit with me for a bit," Ianto informed the older immortal, rising carefully to urge him to his feet and lead him over to where they could sit on the floor. "You relax and let go. Gwen will pop into the kitchenette to warm up the dessert, then we'll have some chocolate to make us all happy again, yeah?"
Gwen and Jack could both tell that the young Welshman was a lot more upset and exhausted than he was allowing them to see. But the American was in bad shape at the moment, truly needed the Scieron Changeling to be the strong one right now. And Ianto would shoulder that burden no matter what. The twenty-six-year-old eased down onto the floor, wincing as the injuries to his left side made their presence known. He settled with his back to the wall, drew his lover down to sit beside him and gently encouraged the older man to lean against him so he could put his arms around him for comfort.
"Relax," Ianto murmured, tightening his embrace slightly. "If you cry, you do. If not, you at least need to open up and stop internalising everything. It doesn't have to be forever… just enough to let you feel like yourself again. Please."
Cooper saw Jack close his eyes and shudder, turning to hide his face against the side of his partner's neck as she headed out the door. She could only hope that the time-out helped their leader somehow, and that her 'game' hadn't just made an already bad situation worse.
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AN: So… going to be posting Saturday and Sunday until New Year's Day… You'll still be getting the actual Christmas chapters after the Holiday, but it's the best I can do. Hope that's okay…
Yes, there is going to be some angst and upset… but it will get better, I promise.
Thank you to those reading the story. And thank you to those who have followed, favourited, and reviewed. NM