Torchwood: Divergence
Book Two: Adferiad
Chapter 37
The two sat cuddled on the couch, just relaxing and revelling in each other's company for a span.
"This is the best Christmas I've had in a really long time," Jack finally murmured, enjoying the rabbit-soft texture of the younger immortal's hair as he gently stroked it. "Probably kind of boring for you though. No family to argue with or friends over for parties."
"Never were," Ianto confessed quietly, snuggling closer to the other man. "I've spent the Holidays alone since I left home. Even when I was in London. My flatmates had places to go and Lisa always went with her parents to visit other relatives in Leeds or Blackpool. I wasn't comfortable spending the day with my family anymore, so it was just me, a cold supper, and whatever movies I fancied watching. After Canary Wharf fell, that was just the normal routine for any days off. A couple times I thought about coming in to work once I came here, but you were always so adamant that we didn't and I was afraid of interrupting something or just plain intruding. So, I tended to use the time to indulge my James Bond habit."
"Ianto," Jack whispered sadly, kissing the twenty-six-year-old on the forehead. "I had no idea. I just assumed…"
"That I'd go home to the family like Gwen and Tosh," Ianto breathed. "Or go partying with friends, or hit the clubs like Owen. Nope… Too much of a coward to deal with the family, and too socially awkward to try the party scene. Plus, I've only gotten drunk about five times in my entire life and have never been a fan of hangovers or vomiting. It was better for me to just stay in my flat and treat it like a regular day off with a few decorations. Nobody I really wanted to celebrate with anyhow most of the time. Not like now."
"For all the talks we had after what happened with Lisa, I never realised how alone and lonely you were," the older immortal admitted, sounding sad and guilty. "I never really asked. When you first hired on, I figured you were just shy and a little shell shocked from Canary Wharf, keeping a professional distance. For months, you were so careful not to touch anyone unless it was absolutely necessary, no friendly jostling or rough housing, no comforting pats or happy embraces. And you looked so uncomfortable if any of the team tried to do those things to you. You didn't show any interest at all in getting closer to anyone till our serious flirting started after the Brynblaidd incident. Even then, it took a while for you to stop jumping or flinching whenever I touched you. I knew you were depressed and feeling left out of life after Lisa, but I didn't know it had been like that before or how long it lasted once we got together. Now I wonder if the aversion to contact and attachments was just habit from isolating yourself for so long, or if both issues had the same cause and it wasn't just PTSD from the Battle."
"Everyone I let get close to me," Ianto sighed, his voice slightly strained. "Family, friends, everyone. They had all hurt me in one way or another; physically, emotionally, or both. By the time I came here, especially with the secret I was keeping, I didn't want to get hurt again. The team wormed its way into my life eventually anyhow, and losing Tosh and Owen was almost too painful to bear because of it. But I couldn't go back to being distant after that, not with Gwen… and never with you. You were the only one I actually invited in, and yes, I've gotten hurt plenty. But it hurts more not to have you close, so I deal with the occasional wounded feelings or bruised ego, and focus on enjoying the fact that you're with me at all."
"How did you get so messed up at such a young age?" Harkness wondered aloud, holding the younger man close.
"Tosh once told me that my previous life must have had shit for karma," the Welshman murmured with a tiny shrug. "Rhiannon always claimed there was some age-old family curse on the males of the line, set to kick in after so many generations. Lucky me."
"I think you worry too much over things you can't control," his partner pointed out gently.
"Bad things happen around me, Jack," Ianto insisted resignedly. "Sometimes to me. Always have. I just figure that's life and try to keep going."
"Good things too," the Captain tried to comfort. "You've saved countless lives, helped prevent all kinds of catastrophes, put up with me. Just within the past week, you've saved the world from a rogue Time Lord, kept me sane, made the whole team smile, and given them something really unique and special. You can't imagine how much it touched everyone to hear you sing that Christmas carol. Drew Powell would be so proud of you."
"No," Ianto stated sadly, his lover able to feel him cringe. "He would have nit-picked every note and called me a rank amateur, heavy on the rank."
"Would have?" Harkness prodded, catching the past tense.
"Drew Powell is dead," his Archivist explained simply. "He committed suicide two months after they released him from Hospital. All he knew after the Retcon, was that his Life Partner had been murdered, he'd been attacked by the same 'serial killer', could barely speak in a whisper and would never sing again. I told Gwen that his music was his life… unfortunately it appears I was right. No note, so he really meant it. Police report said he'd knotted one of his partner's ties around the scars on his throat, tied the other end to the headboard of his bed and just leaned forward till he asphyxiated. He taught me a lot in the short time I worked with him, torturous as the experience was. But I couldn't help him when it mattered most."
"Neither his injuries nor his death are your fault, Ianto," Jack stated firmly, urging the young Guardian to sit up with him and raising his chin so their eyes would meet. "He volunteered to help us, remember? And no-one else was ever able to touch that alien, but you did. You tried your best to save Powell, endured the horror of the Silent Planet invading your body and mind, nearly got it trapped, and ended up with a crack in your skull and fourteen stitches for the effort. What you did saved his life. It was his choice and his alone to throw that away and end it. Do not blame yourself, please."
"It's hard," the Shadow reborn Welshman countered, the lost child look manifesting in his expression. "The words make sense, whether you say them or I do. But inside, it still feels like I failed him and his suicide is my fault."
"Well, it's not," Harkness insisted. "And I'll keep telling you that as many times as it takes to make your heart believe it too. Gods… it's Christmas, Ianto. I so need to get your mind off this, and onto something happy and fun."
"Little early for hide-and-seek," Ianto sighed with a small shrug. "Maybe I could find a good channel on the radio and you'd dance with me a bit?"
Jack smiled, glad that his lover was willing to shake the funk he'd fallen into. Time to get back into the Holiday spirit.
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AN: Very few have had the traumas in their lives that Ianto Jones has endured, but for many, the Holidays are a very sad and depressing time. Ianto is lucky enough to have Jack there to help him, someone who truly understands and is willing to shake him out of it. One more reason for us all to try to be kind to those around us, as we cannot know what darkness they may be facing alone.
Single chapter today, then back to just Saturdays. Here's hoping your 2023 is spectacular.
Thank you to those reading the story. And thank you to those who have followed, favourited, and reviewed. NM