You're All I Need to Get By
When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind
Jones's POV
I looked in the mirror at the shell of a person I used to be, I tried to smile but it just wouldn't come, I stared into my own eyes and asked the question I knew had no answer "How did I get here?" in my head I flashed through a series of events in no particular order, unsure if they were fact or fiction but right now they were her truths, I was sat in her world.
"Jones" Sue, my manager, shouted bringing me back into that dreaded room, I knew who Jones was she was my once alter ego, the person I'd longed to be when I chose my career, I was so vibrant, filled, dedicated, hardworking and sweet. I'd stayed the same, so much so Mercy was envious of me, of late I'd become so consumed by Mercy I couldn't find Jones sometimes
"I'm coming" the response was weak but that was all I had
"Did you take your meds?" Sue stopped in the doorway to ask, if anyone knew me it was her, but sometimes I really had to question her motives
"With or without them everything's just the same" I snapped back at her, nobody saw Mercy anymore, it was all about my damn meds, the show, my moods, perking myself up, if I could do that I wouldn't have been on the damn things, I rolled my eyes at the next question I knew was coming, you could set time off the woman's routine questions
"Did you eat the food I sent up?"
"What I could" I looked at her through my mirror "Sue" I slammed my hands on the dresser "Could I please get a minute?" it wasn't that I needed to do anything specific, I just didn't need her in my damn face right now. She never listened to Mercy, how many times had she told her nothing, felt, smelt, or tasted appetising to her, granted she might have wanted a ranch sandwich when she asked, but she don't want it now because she's tired, will somebody please listen to her, she's frigging tired
"You've got five" Sue snapped back before shutting the door behind her
"Five minutes" I looked in the mirror, Mercy was frowning at me for the mammoth task, she was having a hard time working out what was going to happen in the next five seconds and couldn't see beyond her last grunt. I took a second look at her, and she held her breath trying to work out how she'd stopped breathing while I just carried on as if I wasn't there, was I not part of her world?" Maybe I wasn't, maybe that was the reason behind this feeling of being uncomfortable in this skin, I was an alien to my own life.
This place I'd found myself in should have been unfamiliar, but it wasn't, Mercy had skipped in and out of it as a child, maybe not to the extent she had these past few months, but she'd been here. Maybe this was a consequence of slipping into it too many times, maybe this was her turning me inside out so her unhappy undertone could become my happy place, maybe a smile didn't mean what society had led us to believe it was, maybe unhappiness was the norm, and I was just wakening to that fact.
"Please" I looked at Mercy's sad reflection talking to me "Don't even try to tell me this isn't permanent, I've fought it hard and long, "there is no more day for me, I'm locked in this room with no windows, doors or light, the pills are useless, there is no way out" she screamed, I stared at her reflection trying to see the difference between Mercy and myself, it had to be there somewhere, because I knew it existed
"Jones" Sue knocked the door before bursting in "It's time" she held her hand out, I was getting predictable, I grabbed her hand and got up ready to transform into the diva called Jones "Smile" she remined me, I took the instruction and started transforming into my alter ego before she opened the door.
I was moving, but I was shaking like a leaf with anxiety, Mercy was still here, she didn't want people to touch her, she forced me to hold my head down for fear of feeling or even thinking about anything but her gloom. It felt like an age before I was stood at side stage, forcing myself to smile, and trying to settle my tummy. Inside I felt Mercy slipping into a bottomless pit, wondering when someone was going to catch her, I dare not open my eyes in case the landing was close, and I suffered the horror of seeing her demise. "Grab something" I finally told myself "Anything" I opened my eyes to see what was available and grabbed the microphone out of Sue's hand
Lights flashed before me, I held my hand up to help my eyes adjust "You're up" Sue pushed me towards the bright lights, and suddenly I was transforming into this confident flower
"Hi" I pressed my lips hard against the microphone and waved at my audience, quickly turning to nod for the music to start, the light got brighter in front of me, but I could still see Mercy falling into the abyss, the space she lived in, getting darker, the pit deeper, and that fright of hitting ground ever nearer. Opening my mouth felt like a scream for help, but when the note finally hit the air it was the song I was cued to sing, I stood for a second wondering how I'd managed it
I can't hide the pain, when it's pouring out of me, and I'm not someone easy to break
I'm so lost I'm drowning, I'm drowning in regret
I stood there singing the track lines to my life while the people below me swayed as if it was some heartfelt love song, how could I be so in tune and so disconnected at the same time, if I can do this for others why can't I bring myself to another place, a different place? I'm standing in front of nearing ten thousand people deprived of feelings inside, but my words are clearly making them feel something. This darkness has stolen everything from me, confidence, worth, love, and in its place left awful thoughts, insecurities, and pain, logic tells me I know this, but somehow I lay down and let it win, every time.
Can't wash away the shame I'm covered in it, oh I'm drowning in it,
Was it all for nothing, jaded by the memories I relive my sins over and over again
"Stuck that's how I feel" Mercy snapped at me, I was trapped in this dark box, where nobody could reach me, even if they wanted to, she would let me maybe for a minute, but her constant sneers had made sure that I didn't trust anyone enough to give them credence enough to listen to what they said. How was I supposed to sit in front of some stranger talking about this person I'd lost when I didn't even know who or where that person was. All I knew for sure right now was that I was stood on this stage singing for my audience, and in doing that even I was ignoring the fact that Mercy was screaming to get out, to be seen, heard, and loved, I was so busy being Jones I don't think I even cared, what Mercy was going through in this moment
The days go by, and I can't undo the damage, yeah, the days go by I can't undo it, underneath the armour I'm still bruised, oh
Even if I try to pretend, I can't get out of my head, I feel so guilty, I'm trying to find the words to say
"Trapped" the word came at me vividly, I looked around to see if I'd said it out loud, but everyone was still mesmerised, so I assumed I hadn't and it was her again, "I don't know why you thought that they'd hear anyway because the fact that I'm never listened to is high on my list of things to be pissed about" Mercy ripped at me "Or was that understood?" I shook my head, Mercy was gone why was she still messing with my head, work and personal needed to be kept separate
Was it all for nothing, jaded by the memories I relive my sins over and over again
I wish I can undo the damage, cause underneath the armour I'm still the days go by cause under, under, under the armour
I'm still bruised, days go by I can't, no I can't, no I 'Bruised' by Hailey Kilgore
"Thank you" a smile broke across my face as I connected to my audience, Jones was getting her flowers and to hell with everything else. "Flowers" Mercy's voice snuffed at me "You can't even make a decision for yourself and stick to it" I found myself wondering if those were really flowers or just Mercy's way of making me the butt of ten thousand people's joke "Song" I turned to tell the band in my attempt to fully transform into Jones again, any chance I was giving this dark witted Mercy to come out she was taking it
"Yes" I closed my eyes and stretched my arms out as far east and west as I could stretch without ripping myself, embracing the overtaking "I want to stay with you guys forever" I opened my eyes to cheers and shouts, smiling at the battle I'd just won, Jones was back in full force, and she was determined to stay visible even if the effort took every bit of energy she had left. "Joke" the word stabbed at me like a knife, the mire was persistent if nothing else, there's something a previous manager told me about not fighting against your destiny, but if the depths of what I was being told was darkness, was really that destiny? I felt compelled to argue, fight and carry on. Because for these Jones moments, even the struggle was worth it "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm so happy to be here tonight, I enjoyed putting this show together" I settled into my happy persona "So, I hope you enjoy the delivery as much as I enjoy sharing" I curtsied, finally taking notice of the long song introduction, I had no time to think about anyone except Jones for the next forty five minutes.
"That was great" Sue threw a towel over my shoulders as I left stage, it felt like a weight I'd just discarded had wrapped itself back into the core of me, the urgency to pull me back into non-existence was hard to fight, and to be honest I didn't have the energy. "They want another bow" she looked back at the stage smiling at the cheers of the expectant crowd
"It's half time and already I don't have anything else" I told her, and I was genuine about that
"They're your fans, you owe them that much"
"Owe?" I looked at her shocked, wondering if I was the only one who knew, or even recognised, that I'd just left my entire being on that damn stage
"It's good publicity"
"God forbid I should do you out of any extra money" Mercy snapped back at her, I thought she was way past her grudge of being the main bank roll for everyone around her, but then again sometimes people like Sue make that using shit too obvious "One more walk on" I agreed turning to return to the stage, the urge to feel something, anything but Mercy's despise, even if just for a second.
I got back to my dressing room and sunk into my chair, to find Mercy was back staring at me, warning me about the consequences of ignoring her, denying her, the darkness came fast as she prepared to do what felt like her worst so far. A numbing emptiness, covered me, filling me with fear "Sorry" I gasped as she scorned me for having that moment of self-love, there was no time for fun or happiness in the place she'd put me in.
Mercy's POV
"Mercy" a very familiar voice called through the closed door as the person knocked lightly, I was instantly aligned having clarity of who I was as a whole
"Yes?" I called back "Come in" I turned hoping to see who I thought belonged to that voice "Sam" my eyes widened with obvious joy "What are you doing here?" I jumped up to hug him
"I heard my best friend was in trouble and well…" he held his arms open ready for me
"It's been what nearly a year?"
"Nearly three months" his arms wrapped around me like a comfortable blanket "So, what's going on for you?"
"Nothing" I smiled not wanting to burden him with my problems
"Mercy" he cocked his eye at me "Blaine came to see your show on Saturday, he described you as an empty shell"
"I don't know what's wrong with me" I flopped on the stool "They've got me on these damn tablets that make me feel worse than I did, I feel like I'm drowning in a pool of… Custard, I don't know who I am anymore"
"You're Mercy Jones, my best friend"
"I can only recognise or even feel Jones nowadays"
"You need a break"
"What's one of those?" I looked at him suspect
"Exactly, that manager of yours needs sacking, she definitely doesn't have your best interest at heart"
"Enough about me, what have you been up to?" I evaded the thought, unsure who I would have to keep me sane if Jones was taken away
"I was good, until I heard you weren't doing so good and hadn't called me"
"You and what's her name needed your space; I was being a good friend"
"What's her face isn't my best friend, you don't take a back seat to anyone" he squeezed my hand
"She makes me feel like I'm in the way"
"I'm sorry about that, you should have told me"
"You were so into her; I didn't want to say anything to hurt that"
"That fizzled out as quickly as it set in, not a good fit"
"Sorry" I frowned genuinely crushed that he'd gone through that pain alone "I should have been there"
"You were" he laughed "When I was ending things I was like; what would Mercy say?" he laughed "I respected her"
"I'm proud" I laughed "When are you actually going to settle down?"
"What's settling down?" he asked laughing "Come on, you've got thirty minutes, let's get some food, I'm starving" he sat on the couch to wait for me to quickly get changed, chatting away as I went, anything to move the story away from his failed relationship
Flashback
We'd grown up together, had our first kiss when we were eleven and thought we'd definitely had our last one that meant anything romantic when we were fourteen, having decided we were much better as friends. We vetted each other's choices all through school and college, had some great laughs about some of our choices, after the fact of course, and grew closer on that journey, he was a true friend, and we were so in love with each other we didn't allow feelings to get in the middle of that.
We'd been living in Hollywood for just over a year when he was called up to tour as part of a band for three months internationally it was too much of an opportunity to pass on. It just so happened that at the same time, I'd got the gig on Broadway, and it was clear we were destined to part company. We were moving on to pastures new, so I had severed a relationship I was just starting to catch feelings about, and of course Sam was there for me.
To this day we don't know what happened, but we ended up in bed together, it was so out the blue it felt awkward afterwards, but it was the realest I'd ever been with myself or anyone else. A few days later some random was chatting to him and I encouraged it, in my attempt to act as if our time together hadn't meant anything, she ended up going with him, and I was left alone and feeling guilty for lying to him.
End Of Flashback
"I'm ready" I came from behind the divider dressed in t-shirt and joggers
"So, where's food?"
"Pizza in the makeshift canteen backstage?"
"Of course," he grabbed my hand and led me out the door, I loved the way he always took control of things for me, he knew when I needed that, and I'd like to think I did for him too. We found a quiet corner and grabbed the menu, I didn't know how to tell him I wasn't ready for food, and hadn't been for a while "We'll have a hot veggie and build one with all the fixings" he told the waitress before he gave me his full attention
"Who the hell's going to eat all that?" I giggled at his ridiculous
"We'll take what's left to your place when you finish your show, I feel an all-nighter coming on" he pulled his chair closer to the table and rested his elbows on the table "No arguments, you're not working tomorrow, I told Sue"
"How did you do that?" I asked him shocked "I've been trying to get a night off forever"
"Tell me what's been happening for you" he sat forward and grabbed my hand, our signal for truth time
"I…" I looked around wondering if I could get away with a half truth
"Mercy, look at me" he squeezed my hand "What's happening?"
"They say I'm depressed" I huffed
"I'm listening" his other hand came across the table to rub the hand he was holding
"I don't know when it started" I smiled nervously at him "I guess I felt lonely at first, I was fed up of everything, I hate men, I hate Sue, singing is my only release, any other time I feel like I'm being pushed into a dark hole" I felt myself shudder "I go on stage and I feel like my life is one big act, it takes a while to transform from Mercy to Jones and to be honest it's becoming a struggle" I looked into his eyes "I've lost myself" I burst into tears that I couldn't control
"Mercy" he squeezed my hand, and grabbed a napkin for me, his face looking like he wanted to cry with me
"I hate feeling like this, I hate myself for allowing things to get this bad, but honestly, I swear, I don't know where it came from"
"I'm here" he looked up at the food coming towards us "Should we take this backs to your dressing room?" he looked around, I could tell he was feeling very public in this private moment, I was too
"Yeah"
"Will you box it please?" he asked the waitress, who walked away to do as asked
We grabbed the food and went back to my dressing room "Sorry about the mess" I looked around a bit ashamed of the clothes and half eaten sandwiches all over the place "I haven't let the cleaner in today"
"We'll worry about this tomorrow" he assured me, I sat on the couch and watched him open the boxes and take two slices out "So tell me what actually happened, how you felt about it and we'll see if we can sort something out" he instructed before he sat on the couch next to me handing me a slice "Be honest"
I didn't hate when he said that, but I felt obliged to tell the truth and sometimes that wasn't the best move "It felt like I was at the worst point in my life, and I'm not throwing blame anywhere, but I guess I was lonely" I looked into his eyes and saw pain "Well you'd gone to make your life with what's her face, and after what happened between us it felt like I was discarded and alone, I mean for the first time in my entire life and well… I started feeling sorry for myself"
"Go on" he pushed for more
"I guess I was mourning the end of our friendship, and the grief took over me, one minute I was sad and then I didn't want to be happy anymore, then suddenly I couldn't be happy, forgot what happy was, or why I should be, the next thing I knew I was at the doctors getting pills, and I've not got a clue as to how I'd managed to separate Mercy from Jones"
"I should have known you didn't mean it when you told me to go"
"But I did, I wasn't ready for a relationship then, and I wanted you to be happy" I grabbed his arm desperately wanting him to understand this wasn't on him
"Then?" he looked into my eyes, and I couldn't take it back, I needed to be truthful with him "Mercy" he dropped the half-eaten pizza and grabbed my hand "You're not alone, you'll never be alone, I'm always going to be here"
"That's so easy to believe when you're sat here in front of me, everything seems right, I feel at peace, but once you're…"
"I'm not going anywhere" he butted in "We're getting through this together"
"You haven't seen me at my worst"
"You know me at my best" he smiled "And for the record it meant something to me, it meant everything to me, but I thought you didn't…"
"I did" I smiled
"I can't say I went as far in as you, but I went somewhere, I was low for a while, I think she was some sort of plaster, I was kind of pleased when Blaine gave me a reason to come back if I'm honest" he smiled
"What are we like?" I laughed
"Two people failing miserably at trying not to hurt each other" he laughed "You're all I need" he squeezed my hands "But if this thing's took three months to bring you to this, it's going to be a hell of a fight to get you back" he leaned closer to me "I'm ready to put the work in"
"I'm scared" I looked into his eyes and told him the truth "If this doesn't work I don't want to lose a friend, my best friend"
"What if I promise never to stop being your friend?"
"Jones" Sue shouted through the closed door bringing the pressure back and stopping whatever it was that was about to happen between Sam and I
"She's coming" he pulled back and smiled at me "See if we can get a happy song or two out of you"
"My songs are good" I laughed getting up
"Good but gloomy" he held his hand out for me to pull him up "Happy thoughts, happy place, happy music"
"I'll try and find something, for you" I agreed
I actually went out on stage the second half of my show and performed well, when I smiled I meant it, it helped tremendously that Sam was stood side stage grinning at me, being my biggest fan, I wouldn't say he was the only fan I cared about, but he was definitely the most important.
"For you" I mouthed at him, letting him know I was about to get into my feelings "It's been a great night, I've enjoyed myself I hope you all feel entertained" I giggled at the cheers "Here's wishing that every one of you find the one you need to get by" I sneaked a look at Sam the crowd cheered harder, the music started, and I sang my rendition of 'This Is' by Ella Mai
This is, just want to love you for my whole life, do it for you, I'm a make time
I want to kick it until midnight, just to be with you till the sunrise, I think you're making me crazy, put my heart upon the main line, I
Got this trust for you, got it cause I know what you like (I love you)…
I didn't expect to go back there, I wasn't even thinking that way, but instead of thinking about Mercy falling to the depths of a black hole, I was back in my bedroom wrapped in Sam after our heated, need induced, mindless moment I remember smiling at the sensation still running through my body, his voice sounding gentler than I'd ever remembered "Are you alright?" he'd asked, I looked at his reddened face knowing neither of us had an explanation for why what had just took place happened
"I didn't mean for that to happen"
"I'm sorry" he sat up "I didn't hear you say no"
"I didn't say no" I stopped to look at him, trying to work out what that had meant to him "It didn't mean anything" I jumped in with, trying to make the awkward moment disappear, he raked his hand through his hair, with what might have been a look of frustration on his face.
I looked over at him stood there smiling as if he'd never seen me before, and in that moment I knew he was my compass, my reason for wanting to be the best Mercy and Jones that I could be, he was all I needed.
…This is, the kind of love that keeps me up all night, this is what I want to do for the rest of my life
This is, something that can get every bit of my time, this is, what they call real love, real love, real love, this is, this is, this is
"I was silly to pretend you didn't mean anything to me" he walked up to me at the end of the song
"I love you so much" I pulled his head towards me and kissed him to the cheers of the crowd
"Mercy Jones" he looked into my eyes and I knew Mercy and Jones were in the same place, in harmony again