Bellicism Arc: Dealing With Death

Yuina knew the day would one day come. If anything it came later than she expected. She had gotten comfortable with missions that had mild risk of confrontation that it got pushed to the back of her mind.

She looked down at the corpse. She always imagined this would be a bigger moment, but she didn't really think much of the body. Her eyes fixated on the spot she stabbed the teen.

Why now? For years she tried to remember how she died. She remembered being healthy. She was in the prime of her youth. Finally established in her field. Debt paid off. She had a good support system. Everything was finally coming together, so what went wrong?

A racist asshole apparently.

Yuina remembered the shock. The pain. The wetness as she tried to exert pressure to prevent bleeding out, only to be stabbed two more times.

"Good job, but don't space out now."

"I'm not spacing out." She looked to Orochimaru who took care of the second one.

"Bothered by death?"

He meant in relation to her first kill, but even narrowing the scope gave a complicated answer. Her mind had been so focused on what needed to be done to win that it didn't process until afterwards. She wasn't happy about what she had to do, but she didn't feel strongly about it either. She'd been in this world too long if that's what she thought, though it wasn't like she ever killed anyone before so maybe it would have never bothered her. Was it her or was it this world?

Did that make her a bad person?

"More like wondering what we do with the body."

Orochimaru looked for any signs of deception. It was never that she was bad at masking her feelings or intent. She was good enough to fool most chunin and some jonin. Unfortunate for her, he had keen perception and was one of those who could tell. Or perhaps it was fortunate. He saw the areas that could be improved further. She was improving on her own, but more specialized attention may serve her well.

He was certain that she reacted to her killing, but it was fleeting. He may have misinterpreted unless she improved significantly over the past two weeks. It might not have been the killing itself. It could very well be because of death. Orochimaru recalled his own past. Tsunade's past. Parts of Sensei's past that he shared.

She moved past it, whatever the blip was.

Yuina was still a genin, but she had the sensibilities to put her up for recommendation. Something she currently didn't want and he didn't push. Certainly the extra expectations would serve well for her growth, but she wasn't lazing about so he personally didn't think much about it. It may have been a waste of talent, but that talent wasn't owed to anyone.

"Put them together. I'll dispose of them."

Yuina dragged one body to the other and he used a fire jutsu to dispose of them. It was nothing personal to them. They weren't important so there was no point in recovering the body.

"Not hot enough," she mumbled the same way as she did while conducting experiments as she looked at the remaining bone. He almost felt offended. What remained was standard.

"And what do you expect a hotter fire to accomplish?"

Yuina realized her mistake. "The bone will break down more. Not completely, but enough to break into shards."

Did she kill some animals to test it out? He couldn't imagine her getting bones from anywhere else. As it was, coffin burials were considered more prestigious. Cremations often meant mass graves and occasionally bloodlines. Even then families like the Hyuuga and Uchiha would remove the eyes and handle them separately since they were removable appendages.

"What do I do if you aren't around to cremate them?"

"There's nothing wrong with leaving the bodies out. Hide them if you need to. Toss them in a lake. Loot their gear. Plenty of options."

"Understood."

They finished their mission and returned.

As Yuina found out, it wasn't death that bothered her but the thoughts that accompany it. She already couldn't remember what the girl looked like. The thoughts that plagued her was that she was the one to end it. She knew she killed someone. She still didn't feel bad about it but she had a persistent nagging feeling that she should feel bad about it. That ghost of a feeling refused to leave.

"You spelt it wrong." She corrected Kakashi as he practiced writing in English. She gave in. He might be going through his teen edge phase early, but she trusted him with it. Sometimes Sakumo joined in too. It was something that she could look forward to with their increasingly sporadic schedules.

That was a sad thought. Their family time was reduced to something that Kakashi regarded as training. She made herself feel a little better if she thought of it as a family secret code. She remembered being a kid and getting giddy when she could speak to someone in her second language without others knowing. It was never anything bad but she enjoyed the connection. Sometimes she even felt like a spy.

A little too close to home now.

Sakumo had started playing shogi in his spare time. It was similar to chess or xiangqi. She could probably pick up the basics easy enough. She thought about picking it up to play with him. At this point, she would even suffer through uta-garuto even if she preferred any other karuta game. The cards were at least pretty enough to look at.

"This is complex for a code. It's like learning to speak and write all over again." Kakashi is dedicated as he repeated the words to himself.

"There's another without a written version if you prefer." It would be too confusing to differentiate the same characters used in different languages.

"Another one?" His voice squeaks as he practices the one he was currently on. It took a lot of time and commitment to learn. There weren't any shortcuts even if some lessons were easier than others.

"I told you I keep myself busy." Kakashi was adamant that she was slacking. That was the only conceivable reason she didn't want to enter the chunin exam next month. She switched her thinking from becoming chunin would make him shoulder more responsibilities to becoming chunin was proof of his strength. Strength he needed to survive this world. Both were true, but the part she fixated on eased her conscience.

"Are you planning on joining the intelligence division or the research facility or something? You could leverage this to join."

She never gave it much thought. It was like Nagasuga again. There were plenty of adjacent roles that didn't require being contracted for missions. She's been content at Orochimaru's side. Sure, she had training and went out on missions, but when she was in the lab she did what she wanted 80% of the time. The other 20% was spent helping Orochimaru with some experiments or working towards joint efforts. If she went somewhere like the research facility she would probably have to focus on projects the village desired. What would she choose in that situation? Share her knowledge as to not half-ass her work and potentially share information that could shift warfare, or would she rot away doing the bare minimum just to stay in research? It wasn't like she held the information of the world, but she had enough information to lead in the direction of the same conclusions.

The intelligence division had similar problems. Those who worked there would have a lot of insider information. She could teach and code information to minimize leaks, but she also didn't want confirmation on her speculations of the village. The village could spout the Will of Fire all they wanted, but politics were rarely that clean, and she's already witnessed some of the manipulations going on behind. Like controlling access to food. What was worse was the information she knew wasn't even a high guarded secrets. She probably didn't want to know the real secrets the village hid. As an added problem, the information division also housed interrogation.

"I'm happy how things are for now."

"Is this because you don't think you're good enough again?"

Yuina recalled the list Kakashi made before they entered the academy when he misunderstood her hesitancy of applying. "Nothing like that." It was easier to let him believe what he believed.

"We haven't had wagashi in a while. Should we get some afterwards?" Kakashi changed the subject.

"You don't like sweets."

Kakashi had the audacity to roll his eyes at her. "I don't. You do. Simple enough math."

Oh. Oh.

Kakashi must miss her too. She broke out a smile. "Then hurry up and remember so we can go. I'll get you matcha." It had an distinct earthy taste that tastes delicious and should help Kakashi suffer through.