The Shadows of the Past

by Golden Flame 611

When 17-year-old Riza, recently enrolled in the military academy, gets pregnant by Roy, she must make the difficult decision to separate from her baby to protect him from the military and the consequences of breaking the anti-fraternization law. Years later, unaware of her son's whereabouts, he would return to her as the Fullmetal Alchemist, Edward Elric. (Parental, Royai, EdWin)

17. Reality Hit

A/N: Hi!

Welcome to some more angst with Riza! It isn't the best way to close the year but… sorry to you and Riza hehe but well also there will be some answers so not all of it is bad :D

On the other hand, due to the festivities from the end of the year we will not be able to update this story in two weeks as always, so we're going to move the next update to January 7th.

Also we don't want to say goodbye without thanking all the kind persons that have taken the time to read, favorite, follow and comment our story during 2022. It means a lot to us so thank you so much to all of you 3 We hope to continue with your support in 2023 :D

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all of you! We wish you the best!

See you in 2023!

Golden and Flame

Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist characters don't belong to us. We are just having fun with them.

---

Chapter 17. Reality Hit

The day after Edward's visit, Riza had to report to work as she did every day. The difference now was that she was rarely able to stop by Colonel Mustang's office and when she did it was for such brief moments that she was unable to have a conversation with him, a situation she was inwardly grateful for since her mind was quite confused by the conclusions she was drawing regarding Edward. Her unit mates were in a similar situation since, like her, they were packing their things and arranging some paperwork before leaving for their new locations. In Riza's case, since she would be staying at Central and would become the Fuhrer's new assistant, from that day on she already had to start dealing with the paperwork pertaining to her new position.

Regardless of the haste of the departure of the vast majority of the Mustang team, Riza found a brief moment to say goodbye to each of them, after they had gone from saying goodbye to Roy, asking them to take good care of themselves and to discreetly keep in touch to hear from them. They all agreed, but undoubtedly they were not so much worried about themselves as they were about her. They knew Riza Hawkeye perfectly well, they knew that she was the model soldier, the one who often ended up acting as his nanny, the best sniper in all of Amestris and possibly in the whole world, a strong and capable woman, but under that layer of professionalism for which she was recognized in the army, to them, who had the opportunity to work and live with her day to day, she was a gentle, kind and good-hearted person who would now have to be under the direct scrutiny of one of the monsters who was conspiring to wipe out the country.

None of the members of the Mustang unit had any doubts about Riza's strength and abilities to defend herself, but given the last few encounters the team had had against the homunculi, it was very clear to them that a mere mortal like them and her had no chance against one of those beings. So each of them asked Riza to also be very careful and that if anything came up she should not hesitate to contact one of them.

Riza thanked the words of her companions feeling sad and worried about their fate, because they were not only her co-workers and missions, they had become her friends and family, so she also felt concerned about the welfare of each of them, especially Fuery, who being the youngest of her unit (leaving aside Edward) and having been taken under Roy's wing had not had the need to see the war with his own eyes. But now by the doing of those damn beings, the poor boy would be sent to his fate in the lion's den. Therefore, none of the members hesitated for a second to advise the boy on how he should protect himself if he found himself in the middle of an enemy firing burst and how he should infiltrate in order to go as unnoticed as possible. Riza, for her part, told him the tips she considered the most important to survive in such an extreme situation as the war.

Fuery was touched by the concern and esteem of his friends, for which he thanked them deeply and promised them that he would not give up so easily and that he would fight tooth and nail to return in one piece when required. Just as he had promised the colonel when they had said goodbye moments before.

The time of farewells was very short for all. Although they would have liked to extend it longer, it was not possible as they were under strict orders to leave Central as soon as possible to report to their new locations. During those brief minutes, Riza managed to be slightly distracted from her thoughts, wishing they could have all been with Roy at that moment to say goodbye, but they knew that for everyone's sake they should not.

When Riza returned to what would be her new work area, she took advantage of being alone to let out a heavy sigh. There was no turning back now, her unit, practically, her family had fallen apart suddenly and there was no certainty when they would be able to see each other again.

Riza put a hand to her chest hoping that somehow that would help lighten the pain she carried in her heart. Perhaps her companions were unaware of the secret that bound her and Roy together, but having them around made her feel good and, now that she was dealing with such an important revelation in her life, it was when she needed them the most. She felt selfish for wishing she had them by her side when the circumstances were so perilous and even more so wishing it considering she hadn't shared such a transcendental aspect of her life with them but she couldn't help it. All night and so far that day she had felt lonely and miserable. The enormous possibility that Edward Elric was the son she had missed so much made her feel remorseful at the thought of how much the boy had suffered.

At those moments Riza wanted to go and let herself be held tightly in Roy's arms to feel safe and share with him what was going through her thoughts, but her rational part reminded her that it was not wise to do so because of the risk she might expose everyone to by sharing a "truth" that was not yet proven plus she honestly did not know how she could tell Roy what she suspected. How could she tell him that the boy they had invited into the army when he was only 11 years old and just recovering from trauma and the loss of two of his limbs was actually their son?

Riza placed her hands on her new desk and took a couple of deep breaths. Over the years she had learned to maintain her professional mask without apparent difficulty but that day she was having to make a huge effort to do so. She didn't really know what would await her in her new position but she had to make the most of those few minutes of solitude to focus on the day ahead. She had to be strong and keep her composure for her own safety, Roy's safety... and most likely Edward's safety.

During that first day of work at the Führer's office, Riza realized that she was very fortunate to have had at least a couple of minutes to try to calm down and focus as that turned out to be quite a busy day for her, so she never again had another chance to sit still for a while without someone looking for her or without someone passing by her work area or in the various offices she had to take some documents to.

In a way, the enormous amount of work she received in her new position added to the matters she had to attend to as closure of her activities in Roy's unit was good to help her keep her mind busy but it was only a temporary measure which she was sure would not serve her in the long run. She needed to find answers to what had been on her mind since the night before.

During her lunch break, Riza took the opportunity to go to the State Alchemist program office, claiming that she wanted to make sure she left the files of the alchemists in her unit in order. Making use of the good relationship she had with the secretary in charge, she requested the files corresponding to Roy and Edward, although obviously her attention was directed exclusively to Edward's.

Taking advantage of the fact that the secretary had gone to file the papers she was working on when she arrived, Riza took a piece of paper out of her pocket and quickly wrote down the phone number she had gone to get. As soon as she was done, she put the paper back in her pocket and then pretended to meticulously go through both files (as she usually did with all the documents she handled) and then handed them to the secretary, thanking her with a smile.

After her little mission in the State Alchemist program office, Riza continued with her duties for the day, feeling as if the paper in her pocket was too heavy. She was a little fearful of the call she would make but the fact that she had to wait until her shift was over to make it was making her impatient. She was usually good at keeping her emotions in check, but that day she couldn't help the little nervous tic she developed as she reached her fingers into her pocket to brush against the paper inside.

When the clock finally struck the time for departure, Riza began to feel extremely anxious. She couldn't leave at that precise moment because it wasn't her habit, but now she was about an hour away from making the call that could change her life forever. She needed answers but at the same time she also feared what they might involve.

She had spent the previous night practically tossing and turning in her bed, unable to fall completely asleep. As soon as she had the feeling that she could finally get some rest, memories of her son and Edward would make their appearance making her sit up abruptly in her bed to repeat the process over and over again. The memory of the feeling of joy and tenderness she felt when she held her little baby in her arms was the one that kept coming back to be suddenly replaced by the moment when she had to leave her son in spite of the crying she could hear with every step she took, in spite of her heart breaking to pieces as she had to move on.

Even during the night, when it finally looked like she was going to be able to get some sleep, she had a dream where her son, who looked like an 8 year old, was playing with a group of children in a beautiful garden, one like the one her mother had when she was still alive. Her son was playing happily and would greet her from time to time when he noticed her presence, calling her mom, doing the same to his father who was standing next to her with an arm around her shoulders and grinning from ear to ear. He was none other than the very man she had loved for many years and with the only one she wished to have just that, a beautiful family.

After a while of exercise her son turned away from his friends to run and hug both parents, but as Riza hugged her son and then pulled him away a little so she could push some strands of hair away, she was now beginning to put the face of the boy she had seen in the photo she had found years ago in the Elric home. At that moment Edward Elric's face was all she could see making her beautiful dream completely distorted reminding her of the terrible reality: That probably the child she had given birth to and later abandoned, was the same child she and Roy had dragged into the clutches of the army when she wanted to do just the opposite so as not to expose him.

After that dream, Riza woke up sobbing, choking with guilt and despair. At that moment she felt the slab of all her guilt come crashing down on her at the mere thought of the high probability that Edward was the child she had long ago abandoned. She felt extremely helpless and alone. At that moment she wished with all her heart that her dream of a few moments ago was not just that, that she would have had the chance to raise her son at Roy's side.

When Black Hayate, who was asleep at the foot of the bed when he heard his owner's sobs, stood up, climbed onto the bed even though he knew he was forbidden to do so, and approached her. He began to nuzzle her arm with his nose, whimpering slightly in concern. Receiving no response, since Riza was so engrossed in her own thoughts, the little dog began to place his right paw on her arm to get her attention until she reacted. Observing her faithful friend beside her on the bed clearly worried about her, she couldn't help but smile slightly and hug her furry friend. If it weren't for the current situation, she would have undoubtedly reprimanded him for climbing on the bed, but she was surprised at how perceptive her pet was being and was grateful for it. In that moment of fragility, Black Hayate showed up to give her his support and to remind her that she wasn't alone, that she could always count on him.

"Thank you, little friend. I really don't deserve you but I don't know what I'd do without you." Riza murmured while still hugging and petting Hayate.

Hayate responded with a bark as a form of reply and continued to snuggle with her without leaving her side until Riza calmed down a bit and was able to get some intermittent sleep.

Even though everything seemed to fit, Riza couldn't be completely sure if Edward was her son but a part of her told her that he was and that she should be happy to be able to find her son again after so many years. She told herself that yes, she really was happy about the possibility but her happiness was almost equal to the fear and guilt she felt. The thought that her son could have gone through so much suffering and then be exposed to a life of danger in the military tugged at her heart. Especially at the thought that both Roy and she had been the ones to invite him into the military. If Edward really was her son, everything that had happened to him stemmed from Riza's abandonment.

Riza had to occasionally shake her head to clear her thoughts so she could focus on the tasks at hand, eagerly awaiting the ideal time to conclude her workday without being suspicious in her usual behavior.

When she realized that it was finally a reasonable time to avoid arousing suspicion, Riza grabbed her bag and left Central Command. Night had already covered the streets and the flow of people was beginning to slow down. Glancing over her shoulder and around to make sure no one she knew saw her, Riza started walking towards the park. During the day the park was a fairly busy place but by this time of day few people were visiting.

Despite her inner fears, Riza walked with determination looking for the phone booth farthest away from the busiest paths in the park. Her heart was beating intensely and a few beads of sweat, a product of her nervousness, began to run down her forehead.

As soon as the sought-after booth was in her field of vision, she couldn't stop her steps from quickening. She was about to place her hand on the cab handle when she stopped in her tracks. Inexplicably she felt a strange icy sensation in the atmosphere as well as the impression that someone was watching her. Resorting to her military instincts, Riza quickly brought her hand to the holster resting on her hip and, in one nimble movement, turned with her pistol held high pointing in the direction from which she thought the person watching her might be.

The lighting in the park was not very good. There were several lamp posts located along the marked paths but the warm light they emitted was not enough to cover every corner. Because of this, despite not being able to see anyone in those first moments, Riza advanced slowly, keeping her weapon in front, while making a quick check of her surroundings.

After a few minutes of unsuccessful searching, Riza returned the weapon to its holster and took a deep breath to calm herself. The sensations she had thought she had felt were gone, convincing her that they were only a product of her own nerves and anxiety at what she was about to do.

Taking one last look around, Riza entered the phone booth. With a trembling hand she picked up the handset and held it to her ear as her wobbly fingers pulled the paper from her pocket and several coins. She inserted the latter into the device and then dialed into the phone the numbers she had written on the paper.

As soon as her fingers typed in the last digit, Riza's breathing and heart raced even faster. There's no turning back now. She thought as she listened to the ringing of the line as she waited for someone to answer on the other end. That moment was the one she had been waiting for since the night before, so her heart seemed to want to burst out of her chest.

Despite how much she had been looking forward to that moment and naively assuming she was ready to face it, Riza was slightly startled when an older woman's voice made itself heard on the other end of the line. "Automail Rockbell. Pinako speaking."

Clearing her throat a little to regain her voice, Riza answered. "Good evening, Mrs. Rockbell. This is Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye speaking. Sorry to disturb you at this hour."

"Did something happen to the boys?" Pinako asked with an obvious tone of concern.

"No, nothing like that. They are perfectly fine."

Pinako's tone changed to one of ill-concealed annoyance. "Then to what do I owe the honor of this call?" She asked with an obvious emphasis of sarcasm in the word.

Trying not to take it personally, Riza replied. "I know this may come as an inconvenience, and I apologize in advance for that, but I'd like to ask you a few questions, ma'am."

Pinako was quiet for a few seconds before snorting. "I guess I don't have a choice if the military wants me to take their calls." She said bitterly. "At least I hope there aren't too many of them."

Riza bit her lower lip before continuing. "It's about the boys' father."

"Even if it's a not very pleasant subject for Edward, you can ask the boys anything you want. There's not much I can add about it." She said in a tone that indicated her clear intentions to end the conversation as soon as possible.

"Wait!" A snort was heard on the other end of the line. "I'm pretty sure you're the only one who can answer my questions."

Another snort. "Well, are you going to stand there thinking about each of them or are you going to ask them once and for all? Believe it or not, life in the villages can be just as hectic, if not more so, than in the city."

Knowing that Pinako's patience seemed nonexistent on that call, Riza was quick to respond. "What's the boys' father's name?"

"Are you serious?"

"Yes."

"I don't see the need. The boys don't have his last name."

"Just answer." Riza replied in a tone that came out more brusque than she expected.

There was a pause for several seconds. Riza was beginning to believe that she would soon hear the sound that would indicate that the call had been cut off, but suddenly Pinako answered. "Van Hohenheim."

Riza's breath hitched for a moment as she registered each word. " Wh-what?"

"If you're going to make a call at this hour you should at least pay attention."

"Sorry, I've got some interference." Riza lied.

Pinako snorted. "Yeah, right." She said sarcastically. "The boys' father's name is Van Hohenheim."

Glimpses of the tall blond man with golden eyes covered by glasses came to Riza's mind. "So I was right." She muttered to herself not caring that Pinako might come to hear her. She cleared her throat trying not to let the emotions that were running through her show in her tone of voice. "I understand the boys' father left when Edward..." The lump in her throat almost prevented her from continuing "was about 4 years old." Pinako made a sound of affirmation. "In all these years you haven't heard from him? I'd like to find a way to contact him."

"He was a couple of weeks ago in Resembool, but just as he arrived he left. I haven't the slightest idea where he might be. Before he came I came to think that maybe he had died because there wasn't the slightest trace of him." Pinako's tone changed to something Riza couldn't decipher curiosity? jealousy? concern? "What do you want to talk to him for?"

Riza ignored her, willing to clarify the aspect that years ago had kept her from trusting that Edward was her son. "How does the civil registry work in Resembool? Well, actually what I'd like to know is if the date on Edward's birth certificate is indeed the date he was born."

"I didn't think that matters that take place in a small town would be interesting to someone from the city." Pinako growled. Riza remained quiet waiting for the answer. She knew she had been abrupt and was risking Pinako hanging up on her at any moment but the racing heartbeat, the combination of emotions that were filling her and the memories that were racing through her mind at that instant prevented her from forming any more coherent and kind words.

Again the seconds seemed like an eternity until Pinako spoke. "When Edward's parents returned from the north they had some inconvenience with the moving." Some part of Riza's mind detected Pinako's emphasis at the start but she paid it no mind. She had mentioned the north (her heart seemed to want to jump out of her chest) and she had said it in a way that indicated that she expected her to be familiar with that past. What little doubt she had left was quickly evaporating leading her to one conclusion: Edward Elric was her son and Pinako Rockbell was aware of it. "Back then we still didn't have a permanent registrar. We had to share one alone with other surrounding towns, so Mr. Brown had just left when they came back. It took him almost two months to come back and, because he was in a bad mood, he didn't want to put a birth date earlier than when he arrived unless he had proof from a clinic or the testimony of a midwife."

"He was registered on February 3." Riza muttered to herself but Pinako heard her.

"That's right. Edward is a little older than his birth certificate indicates. There was no need to make a fuss over a 2 month difference, was there?" She asked the last question with a somewhat defiant tone. Riza did not respond. "So, could you have the decency to deign to tell me why you are asking me these questions?"

Riza clenched the phone tightly as a tear ran down her cheek. Enough beating around the bush. "It seems to me that I am Edward's mother." The sentence and tone of it were more unsure and shaky than expected. It was the first time she dared to say it out loud.

Pinako was silent for a few seconds before responding with an authoritative tone of voice. "What kind of nonsense is that? Edward's mother is Trisha Elric."

Riza squeezed the phone even tighter. Her hand began to ache from the pressure but she thought nothing of it. "I know, and I'm sure she really was a wonderful mother because of the loving way Edward and Alphonse remember her." Unwillingly a slight pang of jealousy tugged at her heart. "But I..." Some doubt began to fill her. Was Pinako really unaware of the situation? Was there some detail she had ignored that belied what she was now considering a fact? Face the reality. That's what you wanted, isn't it? Shaking her head to push away the doubts that were forming in her mind, she finished her sentence. "I am his birth mother. I brought him into this world."

A new silence took over the conversation. Riza could feel the intense beating of her heart in her ears. She was about to speak to verify that Pinako was still there when the woman snorted. "So, does you expect me to throw you a party or something?"

Multiple images of Edward Elric flashed through Riza's mind. Seeing him laughing, arguing with the colonel, conversing with Al or members of the unit and finally her memories stalled on the first time she saw him again. His almost dead stare as the boy, missing an arm and a leg, rested in a wheelchair without uttering the slightest word. This wasn't supposed to happen. You were supposed to be safe and grow up happy and carefree. My boy... Edward... What did I do to you?

"If that's all you had to say..." Pinako began pulling Riza out of her thoughts.

"No..." She said quietly before pulling herself together. "Who else knows?"

"Only me. My son and daughter-in-law knew too but you already know what happened to them." Pinako said bitterly.

"Not even Winry...?"

"No. I don't like the idea of telling her that one of her lifelong best friends is actually the son of a couple of dogs of the military."

"Then you know who Edward's true father is, too." Riza stated.

"True?" Pinako said sarcastically. "Trisha and Hohenheim told us everything you told them about your story and why you got rid of your son."

Got rid of. Riza bit her lower lip so hard she began to taste blood. The tone in which it was said was hurtful but she couldn't deny it. She had abandoned her own child. The stinging in her eyes had intensified. "It was the hardest thing I ever had to do."

"And why didn't you look for him sooner? Why didn't you two show up until after the boys had made that transmutation?" Pinako asked accusingly and with obvious anger.

"I thought Edward was living happily in Rivière, but years later I discovered that Hohenheim and his wife had moved without saying where. I thought I had lost my son forever-"

"Until that time? You lost your son when you decided to abandon him. A woman deserves to be called a mother when she raises, nurtures, educates and protects her child. Not someone who just threw him into the world just like that." Pinako said harshly. What little control Riza still maintained gave way. Silent tears began to run down her cheeks swiftly. "Besides you don't fool me. You two knew perfectly well where Ed was. How convenient that you decided to show up in his life again just when that boy showed what great alchemical potential he had!"

Detecting the insinuation, Riza reacted. "That's not true! Had I known my son was in Resembool, I would have gone to see him years ago."

Pinako was silent for a few seconds, as if debating the veracity of Riza's words. "How can I believe you?" she finally asked accusingly. " You had 11 years, 11, to have shown up in Edward's life and avoided all the things he and his brother had to go through." The lump in Riza's throat prevented her from intervening. "Those children had been believing they were orphans for six years. Although their father is still alive, we didn't have that certainty in those years. Had it not been for the intervention of my son, his wife and my own intervention, those boys could have ended up in an orphanage and therefore most likely would have been separated. Do you have any idea what would have happened to those boys if they had ended up in different families?"

"I know..." Riza said in a low tone.

"Of course he doesn't know!" Pinako exclaimed. "At least you don't understand it like I do. Those brothers love each other and for several years they've only had each other. It doesn't matter that they don't carry the same blood, they have always seen for each other. Edward, despite having a strong character, always did what he could to take the best possible care of Alphonse in the absence of his mother. If there was anything he could do, even if it was difficult, he would do it to make his brother happy. And speaking of his mother, now you want to take Trisha's well-earned place?" Pinako didn't give Riza a chance to intervene. "Would you dare to do so knowing that Edward has suffered greatly from Trisha's absence?" Pinako paused to take a deep breath to control her tone of voice a bit as she was very close to shouting. "Moreover let me tell you something: Edward didn't allow himself to cry since after his mother's funeral but that didn't mean he wasn't sad. The first few days, when he and Al would come over to play with Winry and stay for dinner, he would always find a way to sneak into the kitchen when my daughter-in-law and I were cooking and start pulling some vegetables out of the fridge telling us they were good ingredients. If you at least know him a little you should know that Ed loves stew and that was thanks to Trisha cooking it for him frequently. So, if you are paying attention to me, you should imagine that Ed wanted to tell us that he wanted to eat stew. The first time we made it for him after his mother's death, Ed ate very well even though he was quite silent while he was eating it. It was as if he was concentrating on finding Trisha's touch in the stew."

The image of a little 5 year old Edward looking for things to remind him of his mother, made Riza remember her own experience causing more tears to fall as she imagined her own son suffering that pain. My child... I had to be with you. For many years you thought you were an orphan... How could I have put you through that?

Pinako continued. "If you had deigned to show up at those times, when he needed you the most, things would have been totally different. So what right do you have to want to meddle in the boy's life?" She asked in a harsh tone.

Stifling a sob, Riza replied. "No... I don't have any right..."

"Exactly! Until we agree on something!" Pinako exclaimed, paying no attention to Riza's sad tone. "You can't just wake up one day and say, 'Oh, today I do feel like taking over the mothering responsibilities I should have taken over almost 16 years ago.' Not when you weren't with Edward during his mother's funeral. Or when FOR YEARS Ed had to live alone with his little brother because they refused to leave behind the place where they had been happy with their mother. Or when he came being carried by his brother to the door of my house because he was rapidly bleeding to death from the loss of his arm and leg." Riza couldn't suppress a gasp as she imagined the scene. Pinako ignored her and continued. "Or when he was in agony from the pain of the automail surgery and the fever attacked him as he cried in regret and guilt believing his beloved younger brother must hate him. Or even recently when he unearthed the remains of the creature he and Al transmuted and nearly had a mental breakdown in the process."

Imagining each of the scenes Pinako was telling her, Riza felt her heart clench again and again. Tears were running freely down her cheeks and, no longer interested in avoiding it, her sobs were getting louder and louder. I am the worst person in the world. I allowed my own son to go through all that hell by not making the right decision. Why did I have to get involved with the military? My priority was to protect him, to make him happy, but I ruined everything. It's all my fault!

Pinako slightly noticed Riza's sobs, but she was so upset that she decided to add something else. "Oh, right. I had forgotten. You were with him. What's more, even Ed's 'father' was. You were there supporting your lover while he roughly lifted a helpless child from his wheelchair with serious wounds still healing and that's not to mention the poor creature's traumas." She said bitterly. "Plus you and your lover 'kindly' came to force your son as young as 11 years old to follow the same cursed path as you. Only when you saw his potential did you remember that you had a son so that turning him into a dog of the military like yourselves would help you score points with your superiors." Pinako's tone had become angrier and louder. Remembering how she had had to meet Ed's biological parents made her blood boil. "You two are disgusting! Especially you. You shouldn't even be called a mother. You're...!"

Before Pinako could finish her last accusation, Riza overcame her sobs to speak in a loud, clear voice. "I know! I'm a fucking scum! I'm someone despicable! I don't deserve to live! I only cause pain around me and I hate myself for it!"

Shocked by such harsh words against herself, Pinako was speechless.

"When I parted from my son I felt my heart break but I truly believed it was the best thing for him but I was so wrong, I was so stupid!" Riza exclaimed with her voice racing and slightly cracked from crying. " You're right about everything. I wasn't there for him and when I showed up in his life it was only to drag him into a life full of danger and uncertainty. I don't deserve a son like Edward!" Stuttering the last sentence, Riza couldn't control it anymore and the crying became so loud that she couldn't utter any more words and was barely holding the phone in her hand.

Pinako stood silently taking in Riza's words. Of all the scenarios she had imagined regarding Edward's biological parents, she never thought she would hear such palpable regret from one of them despite the distance between them. At that point Riza's crying was so heartbreaking that Pinako couldn't help but feel a little bad about several of the things she had said.

Pinako tried to put her thoughts in order, remembering Hohenheim's hypothesis that at least Riza didn't know that Edward was her son. Pinako sighed and decided to pick up the conversation. "You didn't know where Edward was." This time she said it as an affirmation and in a softer tone. She couldn't help certain misgivings against Roy and Riza for the years she had had to cultivate such negative feelings towards them, but now she was sure that someone who suffered as Riza was suffering at those moments, couldn't lie in such a delicate matter.

Making an effort, Riza said. "What was the use of me not knowing until now? It seemed like it was a fact that I was going to make Edward suffer one way or another. I'm only good for hurting those around me." Though her voice was unsteady, the self-deprecation could be noted in her every word. "I'm a fucking scumbag... I don't understand how fate allowed me to procreate such a good and innocent life... I should-"

Riza couldn't finish speaking as she was rudely interrupted by Pinako. "Get a hold of yourself! Enough of this self-loathing!" Pinako sighed. "I'm sorry. I admit that I went too far with my words."

"But you're right. Everything you said is true."

"It's true that Ed has suffered from your decision to separate from him but neither you nor I could have imagined the things that would end up happening to the boys. I was very upset with you because I thought you knew from the beginning where your son was and that you had gotten rid of him because he was in your way... but I must admit that someone who suffers like that for his mistakes may still have some heart despite having sold her soul to the army... which today is the equivalent of having sold her soul to the devil himself."

Riza's tears continued to flow but now a little slower at Pinako's words. Riza could tell that Mrs. Rockbell still held some annoyance and misgivings against her (and she didn't blame her, because even she couldn't forgive herself) but at least she was being a little nicer than she had been throughout the call.

Clearing her throat slightly, Riza said. "I understand your annoyance. I have no justification and I have no right to your or Edward's forgiveness either."

Pinako snorted. "I'm not sure myself if I'm willing to forgive you. But Ed..." She sighed. "Are you planning to tell him the truth?"

Riza faltered slightly. Her heart's greatest desire was to hold Edward in her arms. It was what she had always wanted to do with her son if she was ever fortunate enough to find him, but now... would she have the courage to do it? Moreover, did she have the right to reveal to him a truth that could tear him apart? If she did, would Edward accept her? Would he hate her? Would he walk away from her and Roy? Those and more questions began to fill Riza's mind, causing her heart to pound intensely as she stammered out a few words. "I... I don't know."

"I must admit, I don't know how he'd take it. Ed's a good boy. Even if he has a strong temper and is stubborn as a mule, he certainly has a heart of gold. Part of that we owe it to Trisha because, despite the prematurity of her death, she always filled him and Al with so much love. He has lived all these years harboring a great love for his mother but has also held a resentment, which has grown over the years, towards his father. Ironic how a guy can have two totally opposite emotions within himself, isn't it?"

Riza had no doubt that Edward was a good boy but Pinako's words could almost be a sentence for her if she could bring herself to tell him the truth. Just as Edward could quickly forgive her and accept her, he could also push her away and never want to hear from her again. Riza felt her insides churn at the possibility.

Allowing herself to be guided by the hatred she had harbored for so many years, Pinako added. "I must admit that I am curious. I may be wrong, but Ed is likely to treat her as he did with Hohenheim recently."

Pinako's words took her breath away for a moment until she recovered trying to overcome the lump that had formed in her throat. "If so I more than deserved it."

"I hope you don't forget your words. I don't want you to come whining to my door tomorrow asking me to persuade Ed to forgive you, because, in case it hasn't been made clear to you, you're not counting on me."

"You... you're not going to stop me from telling him the truth?"

"If it were up to me I'd keep you as far away from Ed as I could." Pinako replied frankly. "But, now that I know that at least my opinion of you was slightly wrong, I have to accept that I don't really have the power of decision on the matter..." She paused before continuing. "You know, you're just complicating things for me."

"What do you mean?"

"On her deathbed, Trisha entrusted me with the decision of whether or not to tell Ed the truth in case Hohenheim took several years to return. She always believed Hohenheim would return home but she was also very mindful of Ed. She said it was almost impossible for you to come back for him because of your circumstances, but she didn't completely rule out the idea that Ed would end up discovering part of the truth, so she entrusted me with that task in case it became necessary."

Hesitantly, Riza said. "You could stop me from doing it."

"I would gladly do so but, under the circumstances, unfortunately I can't pretend any of this happened. If I did, I'd be failing the trust Trisha placed in me. Besides... don't you love your son?"

Without a moment's hesitation, Riza replied. "Of course I love him. He is my life."

Even though Riza couldn't see her, Pinako smiled sadly and sighed. "You see? Unfortunately one way or another I come out leftover. I love Ed and Al like my own grandchildren, but I'm aware that we have no blood ties and now not even legal ones thanks to your dear colonel." Despite the more relaxed tone of the conversation, Pinako couldn't help but use a slightly biting tone at the end. "I must tell you that I never expected, much less wished for you to even think of showing up in Ed's life, but I will give you the benefit of the doubt so that you and your conscience can decide whether or not you should reveal the truth to Edward."

Riza was silent for a few seconds before muttering. "Thank you."

"Don't thank me because I don't expect anything from you. Keep in mind that if I am offering you the choice to make that decision, it is because Trisha was aware that a situation could occur that would warrant the truth to come out. I hope I am not making a mistake, but I am giving you the opportunity to decide whether you will carry that truth with you all your life or let it come out. Just be warned, though, that if you or that idiot colonel do any more damage to Ed, you'll be dealing with me and believe me when I tell you that the shred of sympathy I'm giving you is going to be completely gone and you'll regret the day you ever thought of crossing Pinako Rockbell's path."

Wiping her tears a little with her free hand, Riza replied. "You have my word that I will do everything in my power to make Edward happy, for that is what I have always wished for him."

Pinako snorted. "I still have my doubts about you, so I don't know how much your word is worth."

Becoming firm and serious, Riza replied. "They may be worthless to you but my words mean what they say. Unfortunately I can't correct what my mistakes caused in the past but I'm willing to do everything I can to make sure Edward and his brother have a happy future."

"Yes, yes. Whatever you say." Pinako said not quite believing her. "One more thing. If you dare to tell Ed the truth, tell him when you can to come and see me. I have something for him." She added in a serious tone.

"Okay." Riza paused before adding. "Mrs. Rockbell?"

"What?"

"Thank you."

For all response Riza heard the sound indicating that Pinako had hung up at that moment, so, sighing, she hung up the phone. Pinako had helped her clear her doubts about her motherhood and had accepted the possibility of her revealing the truth to Edward. She was aware that Mrs. Rockbell was still upset with her (she did not blame her, nor could she forgive herself for everything that had happened as a result of her decisions) but Riza could not be angry with her. On the contrary, Riza was extremely grateful to her for taking care of Edward all these years. Pinako had not given her the opportunity to thank her properly but, as soon as circumstances permitted, Riza would go to visit her, although she would probably earn a few good angry shouts of welcome.

Hands still shaking from crying and things said during the call, Riza slowly unbuttoned a couple of buttons on her jacket. Using her left hand to lift the garment slightly, Riza slipped her right hand under the fabric until she found the compartment there and then pulled out what was there.

The photograph of her son... of Edward Elric.

Sometime during the night, while she was trying to sleep without much success, she could not help but get up to take the photograph and look at it for several minutes. She had never dared to take it out of her home except for moving purposes, but now she didn't feel able to be separated from it. She needed that bond, that connection, that memory... At that time it was not yet a fact what her suspicions and illusions were telling her but there was something inside her that made her feel the need to connect and relate the image of her son with Edward's image.

Feeling unable to tear herself away from the photograph, Riza had risen from her bed again but this time to search through her boxes. As soon as she found the small sewing kit she owned, without a second thought she cut up one of her black T-shirts and after a few minutes the small compartment had been integrated into the jacket of her uniform she would be wearing that day.

During the whole day she had the feeling that she had taken an unnecessary risk but now, she couldn't help but be grateful for the whim that had arisen for her to be able to hold Edward's photograph in her hands at that moment.

Riza ran a hand over her face again, this time so that she could clear her gaze of the trail of tears that made it blurry. She lifted the photograph slightly with her right hand and with her left began to run a finger affectionately over the surface. Previously it had been a ritual she had maintained for all these years when the nostalgia became unbearable but now there was a new mix of emotions that invaded her. At last she could put an actual face on her son.

A smile graced Riza's face. "Edward... my boy." A light, brief chuckle escaped her lips. "How could I have been so blind? You are as handsome as your father. Maybe your eyes threw us off but now I can't stop thinking about you having Roy's nose." Riza hugged the photograph and smiled as memories of Edward crossed her mind. "Gosh, you even have the same smile as him, how are the two of you going to react when you find out you're father and son?"

With that last question the spell was broken. The immense joy she was feeling was smothered by her worries. Guilt, regret and pain made her lean against one of the walls of the cab to keep from falling. What should I do...? Because of my mistakes you have suffered so much, Edward... What right do I have to intrude into your life and turn it upside down? A couple of new tears ran down her cheeks. Is it really so bad that what I want most of all is to hold you and tell you how much I love you, son?

Allowing herself to forget about the world around her, Riza spent several minutes leaning against the wall of the booth as she stood hugging the photograph with her eyes closed. She needed to take that time to try to put some order in her thoughts and emotions to avoid making an impulsive action because in those moments her heart was beating intensely as if it wanted to scream at her that she should go at that very moment to find Edward to tell him the whole truth.

"Don't go and do something idiotic, Riza." She scolded herself under her breath as she opened her eyes. Sighing she ran the sleeve of her jacket over her face to wipe it clean preparing to leave the cabin.

Gently tucking the photograph away in her hidden compartment, Riza arranged her uniform and hair, inhaled deeply and exited the phone booth.

It was difficult to know for sure how much time had elapsed since the place had already been dark since she had arrived there so Riza had to walk to the exit of the park stopping momentarily in front of the clock resting on it. She wasn't sure of the exact time she had arrived but there was no doubt that she had been there for close to an hour.

Remembering the current situation she was in and the concern Roy had always shown about her walking alone in the street at night, Riza started walking towards her apartment trying to keep her senses on her surroundings but her concentration only lasted a few meters.

Previously, walks were an activity that helped Riza to clear her mind and clear her thoughts but, this time, with every step she took a new memory or doubt seemed to form in her mind. The first steps were accompanied by good memories such as the birth of her son and the times she had spent with Edward over the last few years but these were quickly replaced with uncertainty, doubts and, above all, images of Edward suffering physically or emotionally according to what Pinako had told her and what she could imagine based on her words.

Since the trip back to East City after recruiting the Elrics, Riza had been privy to the general aspects of what had happened to the boys, courtesy of Roy's account but it was one thing to know the direct consequence of an act and another to have details about what it was like to live through that experience. Riza had never asked the boys things about the night of the transmutation so hearing Pinako say that her son was covered in blood had left an extra new burden of guilt, pain and sadness.

A mixture of images of Edward unconscious and bloodied, a small Edward crying in front of his mother's grave, two small children living alone and the glimpse Riza had given her birth certificate made her suddenly stop as her breathing became choppy. She was already a couple of blocks from her apartment but her legs didn't seem to want to keep moving.

As a tear escaped her, Riza could no longer control herself and punched the wall to the side of her. In a distant part of her mind, she could feel the burning sensation and numbness in her right hand but paid it no mind even though small strands of blood began to trickle out of her fist.

Damn it! How could I have been such an idiot and not realized at that moment that Edward was my son? He had the same name and the same color of eyes and hair! Why did I have to let myself be guided by a stupid birth certificate? As usual Riza's mind wouldn't let her rest, answering her harshly and scathingly. Who are you trying to fool? What would you have gained by finding out that Edward was your son when you recruited him? The damage was already done! From the moment you abandoned him you condemned him to a life of pain and suffering. So cut the crap and accept reality: You were afraid of Edward Elric being your son. You were afraid to accept what your fucking decisions did to your "beloved" son.

A sob escaped Riza. Was that true? Had she not had the courage to face the true extent of her actions on the ones she loved most in this life? When she had been in the Elric home and had seen the photograph of the children, she had felt a strange warm feeling inside but quickly ignored it coming to the conclusion that it was ridiculous and unlikely that her son had ended up in a place so far away from the city of his birth. Now that she knew the truth... was she somehow trying to protect herself, refusing to face the reality of which her heart had detected glimpses years ago?

Inhaling deeply to prevent the outflow of more tears, Riza pulled her fist away from the wall she had hit and resumed her walk. If she was going to collapse, she had to at least make sure she was in a safe place. Maybe it was paranoia, but she feared that if someone from the military discovered her it could end up affecting Edward and Roy's safety in some way or another.

When Riza finally arrived at her apartment, Black Hayate greeted her barking happily but her barks quickly turned into light whines as he noticed his owner's lack of reaction.

Riza stood a few steps away from the door without really seeing her pet. The last thing her mind had registered was that she was home, in a safe place. With that notion present and after a couple of minutes, Riza's legs lost their strength and she fell to her knees on the floor as tears ran freely down her cheeks and heartbreaking sobs escaped her mouth.

"What have I done?... Edward... my child... how could I let you go through all that suffering?... I don't deserve you... I'm only good for hurting you" Riza muttered to herself between sobs as Black Hayate licked the hand she had rested against the ground in an effort to bring her some comfort.

Riza didn't know how long she lay there giving a much needed outlet to the emotions that had overwhelmed her for so many years and that had reached a critical point with the events of the last few days but when she finally gathered the strength to at least be able to sit on one of the chairs in her small dining room her body felt extremely exhausted.

Grateful for the attentions of her faithful companion, Riza placed Black Hayate on her lap and hugged him tightly with one arm while with the other she tried to wipe away the abundant traces of the emotional breakdown she had had a few moments ago.

After a few minutes of constantly stroking her pet's fur, Riza sighed heavily as she leaned back against the back of her chair. "What should I do?" She asked to herself.

Despite the painful feelings that seemed to be permanently lodged in her being, her heart kept pounding intensely every time her mind managed to break through her negative thoughts to scream at her that she should go and tell Edward the truth. That coupled with the growing need to hold her son in her arms made it difficult for her to dismiss the idea as the rational part of her mind urged her to do.

On the other hand, although her relationship and dealings with Roy had had its ups and downs, she couldn't help but wish that Roy was there with her helping her make a decision... but the image of her son's father, on this occasion, was causing her a greater sense of confusion.

Riza was aware that Roy deserved to be informed as soon as possible of the discovery she had made, but what would be the best way to do it, and what would be his reaction? Obviously Roy would surely be happy and relieved to be able to know the whereabouts of his son but, when that sense of elation dissipated a bit, how would he take the fact that his son had been with him all this time... in the military? Could he forgive himself for drafting his 12 year old son and sending him on missions all over the country when he could easily have been seriously injured?

She was aware that in his own way he had tried to protect Edward by keeping him out of the crosshairs of the higher-ups and trying to assign him to the least dangerous missions possible. However, that did not completely rule out that her son could have been hurt. She herself could not forgive herself for all that her own actions had caused in Edward's life so she feared what Roy might do. She feared that, on impulse, Roy would abruptly pull Edward out of the military which might catch the curiosity of the higher ups and, with how controlled they had the country, what if that curiosity turned into an investigation that would bring to light the bond that tied the three of them together?

What was even worse was the current circumstances in which all of the Mustang Team found themselves. Everyone was under strict surveillance and any unwarranted encounter or conversation could carry the same risk of a thorough investigation. Besides... there was the possibility that the magnitude of the news would throw Roy off his concentration and cause him to make a mistake that, in his current condition, could prove fatal as these monsters were not tempting their hearts.

Riza knew that, despite his slacking tendencies, Roy was a highly capable and professional man but if she herself was having difficulty maintaining her composure in the face of the reality she was facing, it was likely that something similar would happen to Roy and now she was not at his side to protect him.

Sighing, Riza put Black Hayate down and made her way to her bed to lie down on it without bothering to take off her uniform. As she stared at the ceiling dimly lit by the light from a small window, she continued to ponder what would be the best course of action.

After hurting Roy so deeply, I promised myself that I wouldn't keep anything from him again but... with everything that's going on I'm not so sure anymore. I know I can't keep it from him for long but maybe it's better to wait until we at least have a plan of attack against the homunculi. It's not ideal but surely Roy will be safer this way. A sigh and a tear escaped her. Besides... I haven't even decided if I'll tell Edward the truth. He's already got his life made believing he's a Elric by birth. What if I just hurt him by revealing myself as his mother? Or worse... what if he hates me... will I be able to bear the words of hatred he may say to me that I so deservedly earned? Another tear escaped her. I want to hug him and never let him go again... but I think Pinako was right... I lost the right to call myself his mother when I abandoned him...