Ideally, Armin would've left right after giving Annie motivation to help Paradis. Unlike the mines of Tourze, however, he froze by the gate of the chamber, worried that even peeking his head out would risk a repeat of his panic attack ten minutes earlier. Until Hitch got back to relieve him of his duties, he was effectively stuck down there.
Mulling over his options didn't work, finding himself at a dead end over and over. He settled on reading the newspaper that Hitch's colleague had left behind at the end of her shift to spend his time. There was nothing noteworthy to be found in it except for the small announcement that the Survey Corps would be in town to make their recruitment efforts in the Military Police and the Garrison forces. Not quite as eventful on the fourth read as it was on the first.
"Heeeey, how'd it go?" Hitch chanted as she rounded the corner, then darted over to grab Armin's hand and pull him back onto steady feet to keep him from stumbling farther down the stairs after he leapt, startled, and lost his balance.
"Hitch!" Armin yelled as he treaded carefully up the platform in case his wobbly feet gave out on him. "Why did you leave me alone for so long? You made me miss a lot of work!"
Hitch only shot him an exaggerated bright and innocent smile. She let go of Armin and took a seat on the stairs. "You got ideas, didn't cha? You look inspired," she deflected.
He had deduced that she'd come back before the next policeman's shift so that they wouldn't know she'd given her job away to someone else. He didn't opt to sit down with her. They'd be leaving soon anyway.
Crossing his arms and leaning against the wall, he pouted. "It helped, but it would've helped all the same if you'd come back after half an hour. That was more than enough time."
"Sorry," Hitch laughed, not taking Armin's troubles seriously. "Bought a few cute tops so it wasn't a waste of time. Say, how about we go shopping together for something nice for you to compensate you for the trouble? I'll treat you."
So she'd gone off to go shopping? Not exactly responsible, but so policeman-like. "No, thank you."
"And if I paid for a nice dinner, would that do the trick?"
It wouldn't compensate him for the lost time, but at least Hitch knew where to get something good to eat in this city. "I suppose it would," Armin conceded.
"Lucky you, getting so many back-to-back dates with a fun girl," Hitch laughed as she leaned her chin in both hands.
Armin laughed back a little uneasily. "Let's keep it to friend dates."
"Sure, let's go with that," Hitch agreed. She dropped her hands to her lap, draping one leg over the other and looking up at Armin over her shoulder. "So tell me! What're the bright ideas your solitary confinement has led to? Have you thought about being more communicative and honest?"
"I have," Armin answered, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his coat. "There are things I want to keep hidden for the sake of Paradis' safety and leverage, but you're right. I should tell him as much as I can. I've previously given thought to how much I can conceal from him, but I decided that the fewer lies I have to tell him, the more consistent my story will be and the smaller the chance that I'll lose him if he catches me in a lie later on in the process."
"Good call."
"You think?"
Hitch nodded. "Yeah, definitely."
"Alright," Armin replied. "That's a start. So what should I say to him to be there as a friend?"
"Huh? Weren't you his friend? You'll know better than I do. Just act natural," Hitch said, throwing back at him a sceptical glance.
Not friend. Not anymore. He'd been so clear about it, and yet…
But if it needed to appear that way, Armin could live with the term for a while.
"I'm too close to the situation," he explained. "There are too many things that complicate it, and my mind shuts down just thinking about it. I fear I can't exactly do natural anymore after all that's happened."
"How about 'good morning, how are you doing?'," Hitch made an accompanying waving gesture, "and go on from there? That seems like a good start. You're asking to know something about him and you're prepared to listen. Shows you're willing to help make things better if he's not doing well, too. If he decides he wants to respond to that, it's a small step for him to undertake. Way smaller than 'hey, can you defect to our side real quick?'."
"Ah." Yeah, that made sense. It would also be awkward as hell. Greeting him wasn't an issue, he'd done so on his second visit, but inquiring how he was doing when he so obviously was doing terrible might come across as insensitive. But it was something. Any and all attempts to connect with him would definitely end up being awkward in this stage of negotiations. It would be painful but unavoidable if he wanted to move past this stage and weaponise Bertholdt against war.
And it wasn't like it had to be real, he'd just have to sell it as such. That was manageable. If he ever gained the courage to go back instead of merely returning to the Survey Corps headquarters just to avoid thinking about it again, that is. He'd been certain he'd move on before, and he'd been wrong one too many times.
"Shouldn't be too hard, right? But it's gotta be for real. Be his old reading buddy, not his jailer."
"Yeah…" Armin agreed. "Yeah, I see. That can help."
"You got the rest from there?" Hitch asked.
"I think so. It's more than enough to work with."
"Then that's my job well done," Hitch concluded, uncrossing her legs into a broad stance and straightening her back in a proud posture.
It was unlikely that Hitch would ever change her mind on the altruistic value of ditching Armin underground, so he simply went along with it, reasoning that it could be worse. He could not be treated to a free dinner.
When Hitch's replacement for the midday shift came in, he interrupted an unexpectedly captivating conversation about the latest fashion trends and winter wear around the district. Armin had been underground for so long that he was almost surprised to find the sun hanging high in the sky and shining down on his face. If he were to return to Tourze someday, he'd have to get used to this kind of artificial light as his sole guide the whole day long.
The two of them settled on going someplace to eat the evening after Armin's recruitment speech the next day. Hitch had initially wanted to do it later, this evening, but it was unrealistic with Armin's four-hour backlog. She had previously mentioned that she had gone shopping with a few girlfriends, so it wasn't an issue of lacking company. Armin couldn't help but wonder if she had troubles getting along with people if she latched onto him like an old friend when they barely even knew each other.
Getting back to work was especially bitter with so much on his mind, but the dreadfully repetitive nature shaped up to be an ideal distraction from the morning's events.
He went to bed late at night and dreamt of the approaching spring.
His morning meeting went down with far less of a hassle than it should've.
The Commander of the Military Police, Nile Dok, was in town for the day, and that left Armin the unfortunate task of presenting his appeal to several of the local higher-ups with him present. He was an imposing man who took his job very seriously and looked down harshly upon Armin as if he was an intruder, but Armin's appeal was sufficient and he assigned a few of his men to look into dispatching the requested manpower to the aid of the Survey Corps. He should've expected that they barely even looked at all the paperwork he finished over the past few days, but success was success. There was nothing he could complain about, since this was, in a way, his first victory in a long time. One with a low failure rate, but what did that matter now?
He sat around in the Military Police headquarters' lobby reading through the anatomical book he'd brought along on the trip and brainstorming ideas for what he'd say during the rally until Levi arrived a little in the afternoon, coming in after his rally with Floch over in Utopia the day before.
"Did you get everything printed?" the Captain asked once he'd communicated his arrival with the relevant police personnel.
"Yes," Armin replied. "They're all in the office they gave me."
"Please go fetch them," Levi said.
Armin nodded, then went to retrieve the requested envelope and returned to the lobby.
"Are twenty recruitment forms enough?" Armin asked, holding the bundled envelope up.
Levi grabbed it, opened it, and took a look at the first page as he spoke. "I'd be surprised if they weren't. Cushy police like their position way too much to give it up to work somewhere meaningful. The Garrison's numbers are higher, but still subpar." He rifled through the papers. "Our numbers would more than double if we recruited twenty new scouts across all districts."
"I see. Did we book any success in the other districts?"
"Better than nothing, but as good as fuck-all, regardless," Levi answered as he slid the envelope's contents back inside, then sealed it and handed it back to Armin. "Two in Ehrmich, four in the western divisions, and only one in the northern. Utopia never had any titan issues so they don't get the whole point of leaving the Walls. They can practically take a morning stroll out there without incidents. The only people we'd get on board there are those who hate their job, and we only found one of those."
"That's… fewer than I would've thought."
"Same problem since the beginning. Joining the Survey Corps after we took down a corrupt government was far more glamorous than doing it after only nine of us returned the next month. People are still scared shitless after what happened to their friends who changed divisions the last time everyone was doing it. They're sure that we'll just use them as meat shields in their first months."
Armin sighed, scratching the pad of his thumb. "That is problematic. Can we say or do anything to put those worries at ease?"
"Not unless we lie to them. The titan threat may soon be gone, but everyone knows that we're preparing to fight a battle with a far more developed opponent. It's still unclear who's going to fight that battle, and since we will be on the frontlines approaching the enemy, they're scared that it'll be us."
There was that bitter feeling again. This was all Armin's fault, leaving him starkly aware that his own actions were costing them the new blood they so direly needed. The tool to avoid an all-out war lay right in his palms, and yet he was clueless on how to unlock it as of yet. And worse: instead of toying with the lock, he'd been staring at its impenetrable exterior trying to find a way in.
No, that wasn't right. Was he even looking anymore at all?
"There won't need to be a war," he said, swallowing away the prickle in his throat. "So long as we stay open-minded, there won't need to be a war."
"We always need to be prepared for the worst. We have to assume that there will be a war." Levi pinched the bridge of his nose, looking annoyed. Not with Armin, he figured, but with the all too familiar bleak outlook of the situation. "More manpower would give us more opportunity to avoid it, but the upper brass doesn't wanna risk it…"
"In that case," Armin retorted, bowing his head forward slightly, "I don't think they would let a few dozen of us be the only defence against our enemy. We've never had enemies in such large numbers from outside the Walls, but now that we do, the old regiments no longer cover all of our needs. Historia would create an army if the worst came to pass. Can't we assure them that they're not conscripting to kill other humans, but to be the diplomats who steer us all away from the bloodshed?"
Levi crossed his arms across his chest, shaking his head. "If things are still the same as they were 20 years ago, Marley's not the type to treat its Eldian speakers well. If they're unprepared to listen, they'll kill us before they strike the island, since we're conveniently there already, anyway. We'll be their first target. Anyone who joins us will need to be aware that they're not yet out of harm's way."
"I… I see."
This fear shouldn't exist. There shouldn't be a threat of war at all, but Levi was right. Armin wasn't sure if he was diplomatic enough to dispel the concerns that any new conscripts would just be turned into toy soldiers for them to place onto the field in their stead. Just another piece of armoured plating on Paradis' retaliatory war machine, unimaginably tiny and fragile compared to that of Marley.
In his mind, there existed no scenario in which there would be war, but then again, it all depended on his success. Success he still had no clue how to attain.
"We'll be up soon. Do you know what to say?" Levi asked, breaking up the silence that reigned between them for several minutes.
"I've thought about it and I think I have a pretty good idea of what to say. What did the others talk about?"
"Jean and Connie talked about the expeditions and about Shiganshina. They used their credentials as returning heroes to garner interest. Mikasa rallied them by talking about how being with the Survey Corps allowed her to put her strength to the test and protect those she cares about. She did most of the talking, but Sasha did pick in to talk about the people she hoped to meet out there. Floch…" Levi paused for a moment. "His speech would've worked anywhere else but the north. He talked about how important it is to step up, especially now that so many have died to reveal the truth, and how now is the time to make it up to those fallen comrades."
Listing them like that made it even more evident that Eren was missing from the roster, posted outside Wall Rose to hunt down titans by force.
Armin nodded at Levi. "The Commander said that I'd receive some guidelines on what to say. Is there anything you think I have to make sure I go over, or anything I shouldn't speak about?"
Uncrossing his arms, Levi shifted his weight onto one foot. "It'll be best if you let me talk about the possibility of a battle. You should speak about what drew you to the Survey Corps and what made you decide to stay. Give them something inspiring. I will open, then give you the word, and finish again with what hasn't been said. Keep a level head and don't forget what kind of crowd you're addressing."
That should be easy enough. There'd been more than enough reasons that had lured Armin to the Survey Corps, and all of them still applied, regardless of what had gone down.
"Good enough for you?"
"Yes, I have plenty of ideas on what I'll say. Thank you."
"Good." Levi cocked his head to the side, beckoning Armin. "Then let's go."
The two of them were soon on their way, led by a stocky policewoman assigned to lead them to the places they were expected. Armin paid attention to how Levi interacted with the MPs around him to see if there was anything he could learn from their interactions. He spoke with confidence, like he had the full right to be there instead of having to justify his presence.
They were led to the area where they would be giving their speeches: a stage much like the one where they'd once been addressed by Erwin, but with a far larger reach. So close to the start of their rally, there were already a few soldiers present. If the whole plaza filled up, that'd be quite the crowd to speak to. Quite the number of people to convince that he was someone worth listening to, and, if he ever got to that point, to convince that the Survey Corps was a worthy cause.
Soldiers pooled into the plaza, and before long, the accompanying policewoman quieted them down and motioned for Levi and Armin to take the stage. Levi went first, Armin followed behind, stopping by him to assume as confident a position as he could manage under the scrutinising eyes of hundreds of peers.
Levi took the stage easily; a grand and impressive presence despite his stature, made possible in part by his impeccably certain posture and steadfast voice that boomed across the crowd.
"I am Levi Ackerman, Captain of the Survey Corps. I am here on behalf of our Commander, Hange Zoë, to invite all of you to join our regiment."
Armin looked over the crowd to gauge interest. Most looked bored and inattentive and probably had something else on their mind than a rally, like what was for dinner later that day or what their next shift looked like. By the side, the Commander of the Military Police stood, arms crossed and leaning against a pillar as he looked on, appearing equally bored as his men.
If he fumbled, not many would be paying him their undivided attention to remember it.
"Like the rest of humanity, you have been informed about our victory in Shiganshina back in September. It bought us not only time and information, but also the first opportunity in a hundred years to reclaim something we lost and push forward. This is not the end of our efforts. Once the snow has melted, we will venture out into Wall Maria and use Eren Yeager's titan powers to clean up the final remnants of the titans that roam there. After we have declared all of Wall Maria's territory safe, we push beyond the Walls and venture to survey what's beyond. To do this, we need more capable men and women than we currently have at our disposal."
The call elicited some response, but not much. Levi remained unfazed, having done this several times now.
"I have no numbers or statistics to share with you the way you previously were briefed whenever the Survey Corps visited to recruit. What lies ahead of us is unknown and unprecedented, but there's one thing we do know about what's out there: it won't be titans, but people. Other human beings just like us, who may be friend or foe, but whom we need to establish connections with as soon as possible if we are to preserve life within the Walls. So long as we remain short-handed, we waste valuable time and resources in establishing these connections. The two things we fought tooth and nail to win back five months ago."
Levi gestured towards Armin, who stiffened ever so slightly at the attention called to him.
"With me is someone who joined the Survey Corps last summer and who's taken part in all of our activity since. The experiences of one of your future peers may hit closer than mine, so I give him the word."
Levi stepped back a pace. Armin's cue to come forward and do his part.
And so he did, taking position front and centre on stage, where he couldn't look past the huge crowd in front of him. These always looked much smaller once facing them dead on than when looking at them from the sidelines.
He took one brief moment to steel his nerves, then spoke up, mirroring the structure Levi used for his introduction.
"I am Armin Arlert, 104th Training Corps' southern division graduate and member of the Survey Corps."
There he stood: small, high-voiced, emaciated, and visibly scarred in the face, neck, and hands from the battle that took place half a year ago. He could feel the mockery in their eyes, the indignation of being told to listen to a small fry like him. This wouldn't be an easy crowd to speak to.
He'd just have to keep in mind who they were and give it his best shot.
"When faced with the choice of which regiment to join last year, my decision came to me easily. I joined with the intention to see the world together with my best friend. We once, during our childhood in Shiganshina a lifetime ago, read about what lay out there and I couldn't live with myself if I didn't make the effort to go discover it myself."
He sounded clear, even confident. The good start was what he needed to go on despite his insecurities.
"I know for sure that I am the only one who has this dream, but what keeps most of us confined within the Walls and out of the Survey Corps are the titans. The statistics we were given before making the choice definitive spoke for themselves: half of us would die on our first expedition and 90% of us would die within the first four years. We were told so ourselves by Commander Erwin Smith."
The name elicited some talk among the soldiers. Without a doubt, hearing those numbers again didn't fail to faze the policemen, and they must've thought that Armin was sabotaging his own cause. Even Levi looked aside to him with a hint of questioning.
It was a good hook. Hopefully, his line wouldn't break as he reeled it back in.
"Our first expedition outside Wall Rose was hell, and it made us understand the reality of why so few chose to go into the Survey Corps. But it was because we fought so hard that we have come to the point we're at now. We are clearing Wall Maria of all of its titans through a guillotine we built that was only possible thanks to the Survey Corps' activity. Soon, without having to sacrifice a single other soldier, we will be able to retake all that we lost five years ago, and we will even be able to venture beyond the Walls once more."
Silence had fallen over the crowd. Armin cleared his throat, structuring the information he'd learned from their meetings into a digestible format in his head.
"When we took back my hometown, we learned a lot about the titans. One detail we discovered is that the titans outside our Walls are actually exiled Eldians who were injected with titan serum at a port built on our southwestern shore. The titans, by instinct attracted to us, all made the long journey here. We reasonably assume that when Wall Maria was breached, they all eventually found their way through the city and into Wall Maria territory. When we battled in Shiganshina, we saw that both the city and the terrain outside its Wall were deserted. It is our speculation that when we kill all the titans inside the Wall with our guillotine, we will have gotten over 99% of all the titans that roam our lands." Armin tilted his head forward slightly. "In other words… Very soon, we will all be part of a world without titans."
That got the crowd riled up. Murmurs had made way for discussion, and soon the noise was too much for Armin to drown out with his voice anymore. He gave them a moment to talk among each other, considering that it would fan the flames and generate interest.
Glancing over at Nile, he seemed displeased at the direction Armin was going in. It was a good sign — it meant that he was definitely prying into his reserve of policemen and his words risked whisking away a good number of them. But he still had to make the implicit explicit if he wanted to be at his most effective. People didn't do well with only hypotheticals.
"You understand what I'm implying…" he continued, as loud as he could, but he failed to speak over the soldiers, who didn't care much that he was speaking. If anyone could shut them up, it would be Nile, but he remained silent and let it happen as it came. There was the vaguest hint of smugness on his face. This played in his favour.
"Oi! Shut it! Have some respect for your speakers, will ya!?" the woman who'd led them onto the stage boomed at the top of her lungs, effectively coming to Armin's rescue and eventually quieting down the audience. He sent a silent thanks her way in the form of brief eye contact.
"It would seem that by now, you understand what I wish to tell you. The Survey Corps as a regiment only suicidal people go into, the 90% mortality rate over the course of four years, the terrifying threat of the titans that keeps us inside of the Walls, ALL of these will very soon be things of the past. And with those gone, any objections that soldiers with the same wanderlust as I possess may have against going into the Survey Corps and seeing the world are no longer a reality. You no longer need to fear for your life every mission."
He looked over the crowd to get a read on them. Whereas they started off as bored, uninterested, even offended, the current topic had caught the attention of as good as all of them. He saw it in their eyes: the first time that any of them even considered the possibility of joining the Survey Corps. No one had ever looked at it with even a shred of validity to it. As a surefire death sentence meant only for those who wished to prove something, why would they? Not many training divisions had an Eren or a Trost incident to inspire the group into such a high rate of conscription.
And they'd no longer need one. With the right inspirational speakers, they could bring up their numbers significantly. Who knew just how many new graduates would be excited to go explore the world this year now that it was no longer dangerous?
"But it's more than that," Armin continued, invigorated by the interest. "Our surveys are not yet over. We still are tasked with exploring what's out there: to see the many sights we find on our way and to catalogue the world. We will do what we have always done: to explore, to build, and to bring humanity closer to freedom. And how can one be freer than to go see what's out there — to go looking for vast bodies of water larger than all of the Walls territory combined, to find mountains that brush with the stars, and lands made entirely of ice, even establish settlements of our own within lands we can't even visualise for how fantastic they are?"
It was hard to subdue his smile. Despite the official context, he allowed himself one anyway, finding it supplied ample support for his argument.
"And our task will not just be about exploring the world. Strewn about those landscapes, there live people. Millions of them, if not more. Entire conglomerate cities, far larger than our little Walls, filled with people who are just waiting to meet us and learn that we are not devils, but nice people just like themselves. The Survey Corps will explore those unknown lands, be the first to make contact with the outside world, and get to know these people. We can forge new bonds, strengthen our economy, and indulge in that which the world has to share with us. Unseen technology, knowledge, ways of life, and so much more. It's all waiting out there for us!"
Armin threw his arms out wide, heart ablaze as he took a deep breath.
"Please be a part of that together with me! We need dedicated, passionate men and women in our ranks who will be among the first to see the world. We need comrades who will stand behind our Queen as she shakes hands with those who were once our enemies whilst we embark on a journey towards sustainable peace. I know that there is such talent among you — maybe it's you, maybe your friends or someone you know and can tell about. So I urge you to consider joining the Survey Corps and helping us build a better future!"
Finally, he finished, a little louder than he would've liked, but he just couldn't help losing himself in these fantasies. He felt the wind had been knocked out of him and he'd come to a light pant after speaking so many sentences that ran on, but they were the only way he could express it.
His arms lowered slightly, slowly, until they were by his side again, and he was met with stunned silence and felt the heat of the moment douse in ice as he remembered what he was doing. He saved the situation by reasoning that this was no performance, but simply a demonstration. What else would he get but silence?
Levi stepped forward before he could make it awkward for himself, relieving Armin of his speaking role. Armin stepped back a little to allow him the center of the stage as Levi spoke up. "For us to attain that future, we will need far more manpower than we currently have available. You can stay settled within the cities, read about our advancements in the newspaper, maybe even see a faded picture here and there if that satisfies you. You can even wait for them to come to us, on their terms, when we lack the numbers to go to them with the intention to seek peace first. Have it any way you want."
Bowing his head forward just slightly, Armin could feel the glare in Levi's eyes. "If that's worth sacrificing breathing clean air for, you're all free to stay right where you are in your comfortable positions and squander the opportunities others spilled blood to afford you. But if you want to do what you were trained to do and lead humanity to its freedom, the Survey Corps needs your service."
Levi straightened his position and Armin immediately followed. "Those of you who have an interest in signing up for the Survey Corps can come to see Arlert. I will be answering any questions you may have. If you are uncertain or need more time to think beyond our presence in Stohess, you can take things up with your local division manager. Don't be compliant in the destruction of the Walls and humanity's extinction. That will be all."
At that, the crowd slowly began to disperse. Just like that, it was over, and Armin felt surreal. Strangely accomplished, like he'd just made a difference. Whether he was correct was yet to be seen. Already, a few soldiers were converging near the front of the stage, there for either questions or out of interest.
Armin turned towards the back of the stage to grab the envelope he'd left in the back, but Levi laid a hand on his shoulder before he could move. "You're a good public speaker," he said, favouring looking off into the noisy crowd, but the compliment landed all the same.
"Thank you," Armin responded, finding himself getting more flustered over the praise than he did facing such a large number of people. For once, it felt like he'd actually done something that earned him the praise he just got. Hopefully, it wouldn't be all for nothing.
Levi let go, turning the rest of his body to the crowd. "Those spoiled shits better have paid attention to what you said. There's always way too many with questions and not nearly enough of them who sign up."
"Yes, I suppose so…" Armin simply said, following in his footsteps. What followed might be the only way to measure his worth.
A good number of soldiers stayed behind with questions, encircling Levi and shutting out Armin. While he assisted the single soldier who'd shown up to switch factions with her paperwork after hurrying for his forgotten envelope, he overheard how Levi handled the situation.
Many questions about minor issues and concerns. How much freedom they'd have to come to visit their friends in their old regiment should they make the switch. Whether they could still opt out before an expedition, to which Levi chewed them out on getting cold feet and told them the Survey Corps was better off without them if they couldn't dedicate their hearts. Pay. Benefits. Vacation days. If they'd become heroes as well. Trivial stuff that could still sway the masses.
But there were also plenty of questions about the more serious stuff that made Armin glad that he wasn't the one answering them. About whether humans were now their enemies and they'd be asked to kill people — if it came down to it, they could be required to, but there was no knowing. About the longevity of the Walls and how dire their situation was — incredibly so, and it was a travesty that these matters weren't being taken more seriously. About the new survival statistics — as said, a complete unknown, but the outlook was positive. About whether they were still justified staying where they were in an attempt to absolve themselves for inaction — a resolute and unquestionable 'no'.
Several of them approached Armin during Levi's explanation to ask a question they considered minor and didn't want to wait in line for, until one of them, a Garrison member, asked if it was him she had to talk to if she wanted to switch over. Then, when Levi was done, two more — a group of friends — and finally, a final lone policeman.
For one city, five was an exceptional number. More than any other city had achieved alone for any of the other districts. Maybe it was just that Stohess was more susceptible to the type of stuff he'd said, considering their position and recent history, but maybe, just maybe, Armin had a hand in this. He almost felt proud of it, but there was something holding him back on the back-pats to himself just a little longer.
They finished up and started their way back to the Military Police headquarters, crossing the long corridors in silence.
Levi spoke up halfway there. "You did well out there. I've never seen the crowd as engaged as they were today. You spoke to their imagination, and it's what we need these days."
There it was, at last: words that rang true, words that he fully deserved to hear. A compliment that didn't feel like it was given out of pity, to patronise, or to spare his feelings. This was about something he'd really done, a success he'd actually booked, and it was said by someone who had the metrics and the experience to measure what constituted success.
So why did it still feel so undeserved that he was receiving such high praise?
(And therein lay the source of why he never deserved it; the very fact that he even had to ask that question said enough.)
"You should come along to Karanes," Levi continued under Armin's lack of a response, for which Armin had to subdue an embarrassing squeak.
"You think?" he managed, voice shakier than he would've wanted.
"Yes. As part of the exterior, Karanes is a mixed bag. It's a place where I expect what Floch has to say to take root effectively, but they'll also feel caged. They'll want to go out there too. I want you to join him to fuel that desire."
"I… Thank you, I feel flattered."
"Don't," Levi responded. "I'm not flattering you. Feel honoured instead. You were insightful enough to use the new situation to your advantage and push that which the Survey Corps has always been about to the forefront. With all the political crap we've had to do, that was starting to fade." He sighed. "We're not nearly done with it, but it's true that we'll reconnect with the Survey Corps' roots of going beyond the Walls."
"I understand. Thank you for the honour," Armin corrected his statement, accepting it the way a subordinate would from his superior, even after Levi had made it clear that's not how he preferred to be interacted with. It sat wrong with him to just accept it like that, specifically from him. If only he knew how much Armin was avoiding a confrontation, he'd be less eager to honour him and more inclined towards reducing how much they spoke to the bare minimum.
Armin had seen it when he came back to the Survey Corps after leaving the hospital. How drained the Captain looked, disproportionally so in comparison to everyone else. Hange at least had their enthusiastic optimism going for them. If they were struggling, they were hiding it well. Levi was just following along, stuck in an even worse mood than he usually would be, and it was obvious why that was.
Before Armin could accept anything, he had to level the playing floor. Emboldened by his success as a motivational speaker, he found what it took to try and finally break the silence.
"There was something I wanted to talk to you about. Do you have a moment?" Armin started, and he immediately regretted it now that there was no going back.
Levi briefly glanced back at him over his shoulder, urging him to go ahead and say what he wanted to.
Swallowing, Armin tried to look as neutral as he could, but he didn't doubt that his anxiety was an open book at this very moment. "I'd been wanting to talk about it, but I never found the right moment. I, um…"
He wasn't going to let himself stop talking here. Not when he was looked at again with so much scrutiny.
"I learned about what happened in Shiganshina. And I wanted to apologise."
Levi stopped. Armin didn't allow himself to look away. Levi turned halfway towards him, eyes widened momentarily into an intense gaze aimed straight at him. If he was going to kick the living daylights out of Armin the way he once did to Eren when he was on trial after the events of Trost, he wouldn't even fight back. It washed over him like a storm, so starkly clear why he'd been avoiding this topic all along.
But as soon as it started, it went away again when Levi looked down for a moment, eyes back to their usual squint. Then, he looked back up, unfazed if not for the slightest ridge between his brows. "What for?" he simply asked, no longer looking like he could beat Armin up at any moment.
"For making a bad call," Armin responded, "which led to us losing the serum, and to… to the death of the Commander."
No answer came. Levi looked like the matter had struck him over the head, like Armin was nothing but an intruder rudely reminding him of the worst day of his life, but there was no going around it: it needed to be said eventually, and if not now, Armin would never face his demons.
"I should have waited until there was backup," Armin continued, posture as straight as it was on that stage but tone much softer and more apologetic. "Instead of acting on my own and achieving nothing. It was the worst decision I've ever made. I take full responsibility for what has happened now that I am healthy enough to face the consequences."
Armin hoped that this would be enough. If more was needed, he knew how to justify himself but still accept the blame. He wasn't cracking under the pressure. All things considered, it was going far better than he'd hoped. If Levi knew that he was aware, he might spread it to Hange and disciplinary action may be undertaken at long last for the events that took place in Shiganshina. It sounded so stupid to think it out loud like that, but it wasn't his call. It was up to them to decide what would be a fitting course of action.
"No. Stop that." Levi looked positively pissed at that, and Armin had to resist the instinct to square his shoulders. He finally turned around the rest of his body as well, looking straight at Armin. "You can't regret what you did. When you make decisions during chaos, you will never be certain that it will play out in your favour. You came up with a plan when nothing else worked and no one else knew what to do. If you were ready to die for this plan, then you were acting according to what you thought would be your best course of action." The muscles of Levi's face stiffened, eyelids hooded. "Don't regret your decision."
The way Levi looked up at Armin right now made him feel like he dwarfed the other, but it looked so genuine. For once, this was not someone just telling Armin what he wanted to hear. Levi believed his own words.
"I… I want to. But I can't stop thinking about what would've happened if I…"
"It's not easy," Levi intercepted Armin's sentence in his moment of hesitation. "I know that well enough. My decision has led to us losing the serum. I've struggled with it for a long time, but I have to believe that my decision to pick Erwin was the right one."
He was steadfast about it. It made sense that he wouldn't be chosen, this was no matter to apologise for, and it left Armin speechless.
"If it helps you sleep at night, if Eren hadn't interfered, I think that I would have changed my mind on whom to inject. But that didn't happen. We can't change it."
"What? Why would you have chosen me?" Armin carefully asked.
"Because I realised something. After the vial broke, I heard him speak one last time. It convinced me that he wouldn't have wanted it." No remorse was legible in Levi's expression, only a vague hint of sadness. "This isn't what you want to hear, but I'm sorry that you now suffer from injury due to my decision. I don't regret what I did, but it did impact you."
Out of all options, being apologised to was what he expected least. Just as Levi would have to live for the rest of his life knowing that his decision had led to its adverse effects, so would Armin. They were kindred spirits in a way. Had Armin chosen to stay put, there wouldn't need to be a choice. Had Levi chosen Armin, they would have the Colossal Titan at their disposal and he wouldn't be scarred for life.
In either scenario, Bertholdt would now be dead. It shouldn't shock Armin as much as it did to consider that reality when he never had before in this much detail.
"Thank you. But I don't think that I am in a position to receive an apology," Armin honestly replied.
"Hm," Levi hummed. "Then promise me that you won't regret what happened, either. Stand behind what you did, and what you'll choose to do. You can't change your mind anymore, you have to live with the reality that unfolded after your choice. Make it worth it."
This was getting off really light, but he supposed it would do to know he'd never be first choice unless it served as someone else's mercy kill.
"I promise."
Levi nodded. "Good." He turned around and continued towards the Military Police headquarters' lobby. Armin followed, light on his feet now that he'd shed such tremendous weight. His head felt light, as if tipsy.
They made it to the lobby without exchanging any more words. Once there, they went into Armin's office and seated themselves to go over what paperwork they'd gotten. Five forms didn't leave them with much work. Normally, Armin was relieved of his duties in Stohess from this point on and cleared to return to Trost, but with the change of plans, he wasn't so sure what his new schedule looked like.
"We're expected in Karanes tomorrow afternoon," Levi beat him to the punch. "You should go gather your stuff. A cart will be slower than me so I'll finish up business here, then take the same route. We're staying overnight at a midpoint city, Ona, and will resume our trek in the morning."
He only now realised that his plans with Hitch were no longer viable. Swallowing down the prospect of having to cancel, he was quick to respond. "I hadn't expected to leave Stohess so soon. I'll get going as soon as I can, but do I have time for a small detour?"
"You'll arrive later if you take longer. Do it if you're fine with getting less sleep."
"Oh," Armin responded. "That'll be fine. I don't need that much sleep lately anyway. We will meet up at Ona later today, then?"
If the dark circles under Levi's eyes were anything to go by, he understood what Armin meant and didn't pry any further. "Yes. See you tonight."
Doom was starting to set in. He failed to find Hitch, and she was who he wanted right now to douse the fire that consumed his mind. He had the excuse but not the time, and now was when he needed someone to have casual chit-chat with the most.
Sunset was fast approaching and he wasn't prepared to take all of tomorrow on just a few hours of sleep, so he threw in the towel and wrote her a letter instead justifying why he couldn't make it to dinner tonight. She could kick his ass at a later date– time. Whatever.
He'd spoken way too soon about the turning of the weather, caught in a flurry of snow and hail that delayed his arrival at Ona until well past midnight. The few hours of dreamless sleep he got were cut short by Levi waking him up long before sunrise to tell him to get ready for departure. It was too cold to sleep on the journey and Armin refused the flask the coachman offered to him to make it just a tad easier on him. The heavy stuff would just end with him stranded somewhere in the woods with no clue where he was or how he got there. Beer was his upper limit and he shouldn't get drunk before a speech.
Karanes was to Stohess what Trost was to Ehrmich: the less luxurious counterpart that now made up part of the exterior and that had become even less desirable through the fear of a second attack. Despite the news that the enemy had been driven back, no one was convinced that another attack had been ruled out. Marley was down, not defeated.
They were a strange pair up on that stage, Armin and Floch, their words almost contradicting each other just by the sheer whiplash of their different outlooks on the world. One born from fear, from preemptiveness, from a love for all that was Paradis and nothing else; the other from curiosity, from optimism, from the appeal to all people regardless of where they hailed from.
Floch was a mystery to Armin. Despite having only known him for a brief moment, the change between when they first met and after the events of Shiganshina was nearly unfathomable. That first day, he'd been excited. Green. Full of hopes and dreams. When next he saw Floch again months later, he isolated himself from the others, and Armin couldn't remember the last time he'd seen him smile. Yet, despite his disdain of them all, he didn't switch regiments, determined to be among those who made first contact.
What did Armin know? He'd lost no one he loved in the battle. Floch had lost every single of his peers– his friends with whom he'd hoped to face a bright future as heroes. Even his efforts to resurrect Erwin were all for nothing. He'd gone to Shiganshina to see all hope die, and he lived to tell about it.
Despite having earned it, Floch didn't wear the title of hero on his sleeve, instead dedicating himself to making sure that it was all for something, that he didn't lose them all for no reason at all. It was a common mentality in the Survey Corps that Armin realised none of the other 104th graduates could truly relate to. Not on the scale that he had witnessed in other veterans, now also long gone. The others were vocal about wanting Floch to calm down and stop being so stingy about what had happened (oh.) but he wasn't intent on stopping anytime soon. So Armin reserved his judgement of Floch's character.
That was, until after their rally.
Armin would rather be catching up on sleep right now, but he had to make his way back to Trost first. Levi had asked him to finish up their paperwork, so he once again found himself standing in an office bent over a desk and arranging administrative documents when Floch entered the room, head held high as if he needed it to look down on Armin.
"What are you doing here?" Floch cut to the chase, eyebrows creased. The tone of his voice indicated anger without an attempt to subdue it. This was the first time they'd had the opportunity to speak since Armin's arrival. He must've been holding something in.
Before Armin could get a word in, Floch had already approached him, towering over him with intent. Armin stepped back, not to retreat but to keep some distance between the two. His back bumped into a bookshelf and Floch took another step closer, his imposing frame right up in Armin's face.
Armin couldn't back away now, so he pushed out his chest and looked up directly at him to avoid appearing as if he would crumble before Floch. He'd dealt with enough bullies in the past to know that Floch's goal here was intimidation and that any sign that it was effective worked against Armin's favour in situations like these.
"Here? This office?" Armin asked.
Floch grimaced at that, gesturing around him. "Karanes. Stohess. Hell, even Trost."
"What everyone's doing. Survey Corps recruitment. Is there an issue with this?" Armin responded coldly. He tried to sidestep Floch, deciding he'd gotten too close for too long, but Floch's hand caught his shoulder in a tight grip that prevented him.
"Don't play coy with me. When was the last time you visited the Colossal Titan?"
Armin's expression sank as Floch's intensified. Floch had to be the one person in the entire Survey Corps who apparently had no reservations about confronting Armin about this.
Did that mean that he believed that Armin could actually book success?
"The 21st, I believe," Armin flatly answered.
"The 21st?" Floch echoed, fingers now digging harshly into the fabric of Armin's coat. "January? A month!? You haven't gone back at all?"
"I've been busy, Floch. I had to revalidate, and then this job got in the way."
Floch pushed his face even closer to Armin's, tilting it back to look down on him under a greater angle. "But you're going back when you return, right?"
Armin made it a point not to break eye contact as he glared back. He risked a beating if he spoke the truth, but that never stopped him before.
"I'm at a dead end with him. Other things took priority, but I've been stuck on what to do. Until I figure it out, there's no point in going back."
Floch pressed on Armin's shoulder with increasing force. "I don't care that you're at a dead end with him. Make him do it. Do you have any idea at all what happened in Shiganshina after you decided to conk out?"
Shards perforated Armin's lungs. This could've been bad if he hadn't read that report. Floch wasn't the type of person to be diplomatic about how he'd break the news to him, and it could threaten to corrode Armin's ability to put on his bravest face.
"I do."
"You do?" It looked like Floch was going to let go, until his other hand went for Armin as well and he crashed him into the bookcase as hard as he could. "You do!? And you're still running around like you're not the reason that the Commander is dead? Do you know just how badly you fucked us all over? People ask why there was a choice to begin with, why you and Eren run free when you disobeyed your superiors' orders!"
Armin finally fought back, grabbing for Floch's wrists to fend him off. It wasn't a struggle he'd win, but he wasn't going down without a fight. "I can't speak for Eren, but I didn't disobey any orders! I made a bad call… I know that, but for the first time today, I spoke with Captain Levi about this and he told me a bad call is better than no call at all."
His face tingled with numbness to say it out loud like that, to admit he hadn't done anything until now but that it was over with. Only now was the sudden absence of that weight he'd carried around for so long noticeable.
"And why are you still making bad calls, then?" Floch spat, ramming his body against the shelf for good measure, hands centered against Armin's throat as they latched onto the collar of his shirt. "It's your fault that the Colossal Titan's still in the hands of the enemy, and it's your fault that we didn't gain this weapon for ourselves. Why aren't you taking responsibility?"
Floch wasn't wrong about that. Despite all that Levi had said, it still was the result of something Armin had done. More than anything, he wanted to push Floch off and run as far as he could after he'd said that and he didn't understand why that feeling came up now.
"I am taking responsibility, Floch. I really am!"
"Then have something to show for it!"
He knocked his forehead against Armin's and Armin let one hand go of Floch's hands to push him away at the throat, head now throbbing. Floch grabbed his wrist and pinned it against the bookcase, spitting his venom too close to Armin's face for comfort.
"You're wasting time up here instead of going to talk with him. It's your fault that the Colossal Titan became useless, it's your job to make him useful to us again. Instead, you're lazing around here and ignoring your duties? I don't care how you do it, but he's your responsibility. You're obligated to turn this situation into something we can use to defend ourselves from Marley. If you can't do that, then what was the point of you surviving the battle when a hundred more competent soldiers deserve it more than you do? Why did that devil get to die?"
Was there pain in Floch's eyes, hidden within that furious squint? It was hard to tell with him boiling over. Armin pressed harder on his wrists, an elbow pushed into Floch's chest to keep him from fully closing the distance.
"I… He is my responsibility," he finally admitted, his grip on Floch's wrists now faltering. He felt a familiar pressure behind his eyes and fought hard to subdue any signs of the tears that threatened to spill out.
"So you're going back?" Floch asked, letting the pressure on Armin's throat and wrist fade away as well.
"If I can… I'll consider it."
"No," Floch said, moving the hand pinning Armin's wrist to his shoulder instead, "no, don't consider it. Do it. You have no choice. Hundreds of people didn't die for you to be unable to make up your mind. Kick him, threaten him, bother him all day long until he cracks, I literally don't care what you do, but make him useful to us. Instead of luring unsuspecting innocents into following you in your death march with big stories about how pretty the world is, pull your weight."
Armin bit down his jaws hard, grimacing as Floch's fingers dug deep into his skin under his rant despite Armin's best efforts to push him off. "Okay! Okay, I'll go back."
Finally, Floch let go, and it was like Armin could only now breathe again. As his ribs constricted his lungs, it took a great deal of effort not to let his physical discomfort show. There was always time for that when he had no appearance to keep up.
"Tomorrow."
"As soon as possible," Armin retorted.
"No. Tomorrow. You've wasted enough time, you're going back tomorrow."
"Okay," Armin gave in. "I'll discuss the matter with the Commander and ask if I can return tomorrow."
Floch responded with a decisive nod, stepping back. "That waste of air needs to cooperate. We should've given him hell after the Commander gave up instead of treating him like a king. At least he would've gotten what he deserves," he said, falling into a mumble near the end, more to himself than to Armin, as he turned around and made for the door without a goodbye.
Armin was left all alone with his thoughts once again, tears finally welling up from his eyes now that they were allowed to. He pulled back a chair and sat down, his work long forgotten.
All this time, he'd been thinking it, and finally, someone had the balls to confirm it to him instead of telling him to get Bertholdt off his mind and to move ahead without him. But, at the end of the day, it was his fault that Bertholdt was still alive, his fault that the Colossal Titan wasn't part of Paradis' arsenal, his fault that the hope for humanity's future was gone, and his fault that Bertholdt wasn't helping them.
How in the world had he justified staying put for so long, stuck within his inaction? Now that the doubts about his dishonesty towards the Survey Corps' leadership were finally fading, he could see it so clearly.
Bertholdt was his responsibility.
He was responsible for Bertholdt.
There was no going around it. If Armin didn't face him with this mentality, he would never be able to change anything.
Maybe Floch was exactly what he needed. Someone who was honest about what had happened. Someone who didn't look to spare his feelings out of a sense of camaraderie or nurturing leadership. Someone who'd rightfully call him useless trash if he failed to make up for what they had lost.
Someone who lived by open communication.
He buried his face in his hands, sighing out a long and deep breath. So he was going back. He couldn't be mad at Floch for the methods he'd used to convince Armin. If he hadn't done it this way, maybe Armin would simply never go back again.
Tomorrow, he'd return to those mines. He'd need a plan. He'd see whether those seeds he'd planted had germinated or if they'd died a brutal death as soon as they had hit the soil. He'd find out whether he had booked any success, or if he was going to have to wrangle the solution straight from Bertholdt's hands.
Tomorrow. Not tonight.
He had time.