Title: After All This Time
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 7.7k
Summary: See, you've never really been one for bright ideas. Sure, you're phenomenal at revenge plans and being a total bitch, but when it comes to genuinely decent ideas, you're lacking to say the least. But this one? This one could actually work.
Notes: Not going to lie, I've re-read this fic over and over. It might be my favourite of all time, but let me know which one of mine you like the most if you have one! Oh, and hold on to the edge of your seat for this chapter... The ride is about to get really bumpy.
/
Brittany doesn't come home at all.
She texts you to say she's spending the day with Sugar, but she'll be there for filming later, but it's brief and doesn't even have any kisses on the end and you know you're in the doghouse. For what reasons, you're unsure of, considering she said it was okay and therefore can't be sour about you accepting Dani's proposition, because you didn't go through with it anyway. But it still manages to get under your skin – you should be the one pissed off, not her – but you write the rest of the script, telling Artie you're going to head off to the diner early to talk to Holly beforehand, and they can catch up.
They don't argue, even if Kurt does nothing but pester you about why you wouldn't take full advantage of Dani and her promiscuousness whilst you're attempting to work, but you manage to resist the urge to slap a bitch. Then you're heading off to the diner without them as Kurt has to redo his hair for the 7th time, jacket wrapping you up and Holly's at the diner with a large smile when you enter, gesturing for you to take the nearest booth to the register where she's sat.
She gets you a coffee and slides it down on the table after a couple minutes, but unlike you expect, she slides right into the booth opposite you with a stern face and you know she's heard about the party last night. You're not sure how, but there's something in her eyes that's in the know and you think that maybe coming to the diner early to get away from the questioning was naïve. You've been honest with Holly so far, so it's not far out of reach to think you'd do it now, even if you really don't want to talk about it and she's one to press and not in an irritating way.
The more you talk, the more people hear, and you just want to sort it out with just you and Brittany, even if that doesn't seem doable apparently.
"What's up, Chica?"
You clench your jaw but smile. "Nothing. Just wanted to check in on the costumes before we start."
Holly eyes you suspiciously, and she wouldn't be wrong to. You're alone and if she's heard anything about the party, she's probably thinking it's because of that. Again, she wouldn't be wrong but until now you hadn't quite thought of it that way. "Did you drink too much last night? Heard about the party."
There it is.
"Nope," you pop the 'p' and sip on the coffee again, pausing your reply. "Everyone else did though, bar Kurt. He just destroyed my plant."
"Hmm…" She narrows her eyes but doesn't press the way you expect. "Well, there's a lot of work to do," she says and leans back, but cocks her head to the side like she isn't going to leave you alone until you tell her what's wrong. "When will everyone be here?"
"Told them to meet at 2."
Holly narrows her eyes. "All of them?"
It's obvious she's asking about Brittany. Her eyes shift to the empty spot beside you – a spot where Brittany should be as you're usually joined at the hip – but it's different now and whilst Holly might know about the party, she doesn't know anything else, so you can play on that.
"Yeah. Kurt and Artie are at mine," you shrug. "They're coming soon after finishing the rewrites and everyone's coming after them."
You're not going to let up. If you spill like you did previously with your boss, she might offer you some advice you won't take. Something like see how Brittany feels first but you're taking Brittany at her word and that's that she doesn't care who you sleep with. That means she's not jealous, or bothered, like you've been and fuck it, you don't want to screw this up because no-one's here yet and it's already feeling like too much.
You think it shows on your face too, because Holly sucks her lips into her mouth, swallowing the questions you can see she wants to ask and after a few moments, slides out the booth with her palms pressed against the table. Her eyes shift over to a few customers standing by the register, and you're going to take it as a sign from the universe that you're just not supposed to talk about your feelings – like you originally thought – and send a thanks to the heavens for the welcome interruption.
Except Holly isn't one to give up that easily, and pauses before she leaves, leaning down towards you. "We'll catch up later," she whispers and shoots you a wink before twirling off.
There's nothing to catch her up on, but maybe by then you will have cleared the air with Brittany, so you'll have something to say.
/
After making yourself busy for a few hours in the makeshift closet that's still up in the back room, you hear the voices of everyone arriving after Holly shuts up shop.
You don't head out immediately, needing a few minutes to yourself because you know if most of them are here, Brittany is too, and so the costumes need a bit more attending to, to prolong the time before seeing her. You only manage to do it for an extra fifteen minutes before the burning curiosity gets too much though, and you settle on a few more outfits before throwing them over your arm and heading towards the door. You don't get to go through it before Artie is wheeling in front of you, a folder in his lap and you're stopping in your tracks, mostly because he's blocking the exit.
"Santana," he starts and looks relieved by your presence. "We've been looking for you," he continues and applies the brakes, grabbing at the folder. "We want you to go over the script first as there's a few things we need approval–"
You shake your head, cutting him off. "No need. I trust you."
Artie frowns, eyes shifting left to right. "But you've finalised everything and I think you're gonna wanna read over–"
"No, we're good," you interrupt again, because whilst you've been in this closet, you've been thinking over everything and prior to you sticking your head into the directing side of things, you were so much more chill about things. After last night, that's what you need and maybe burying your nose into this could be seen as a good move, but you know there's still a priority of talking to Brittany and clearing the air with her. The earlier you can do that, the sooner you can put your head in the game and finish this off.
He hesitates though, holding the folder half out to you but you quirk a brow at him, moving your vision to the clothes in hand because you're not taking the folder off him for two reasons now, and flash a half-smile before stepping around him and into the diner.
Time to see Brittany.
/
Or not.
She isn't here when you get out, and you scan the diner twice to see if she's held up anywhere in a dark corner but it's daylight outside so those are limited. Mostly everyone else is here though, including Sugar and that gets you all confused because Brittany's brief text message said she was spending the day with her. Seeing as Sugar's scene is up first, you assumed that they'd come together, and your feet lead you over to her without another thought.
Her eyes snap to you, and you don't like the way she looks at you because it's half-annoyed, half-shocked, but it doesn't sway you from going over to her and stop just short, handing over one of the outfits.
"This one's for you," you say, pretending like you're not going to immediately ask where Brittany is, and Sugar takes the clothing gingerly, eying you through a narrowed squint.
"Okay… Are we starting now?"
You nod your head. "In about ten minutes," you reply and turn to Sam who's got his hands stuck in his jean pockets, rocking up on to the ball of his feet awkwardly. You don't like that he's stood like that, and you don't get why he's awkward, but you're starting to figure it out and that's not a bridge you want to cross. But you're the leader of all this, and if you can be professional, you expect him to be regardless of what you're scared he might have done last night. Or rather, who. "You ready, Trouty Mouth?"
He nods, but doesn't meet your eye, shifting his own around the diner nervously. "Yeah, I'm ready."
You nod curtly at both of them, handing him over one of the outfits in your arm but then Kurt's stepping up beside you and folding his arms over his chest and studying the group, picking up on the tension that you weren't aware was there before. Great. Another question that's going to be thrown your way.
"How we all feeling?" He breathes, skirting around the subject but you glare at him, your muscles tensing inside your body.
"Fine, we're ready to shoot," you half-hiss in response and he smirks at you. Bastard. "Is everyone here?"
"Just waiting on Dani and Brittany," he replies and cold strikes through you. That can't be good but at least it explains the blonde's whereabouts. "Dani just text to say she's almost here, though."
"Wait," Sugar steps forward into the circle, her eyes wide but brows furrowed. "You didn't come with Dani?"
You glance around the circle, wondering who she's asking but when you gauge that everyone's eyes are on you, you snap your head back to her and blink rapidly. Why is she asking you that?
Oh. Because the last Sugar saw, you were heading into your bedroom with Dani. Makes sense now.
"No, I came alone and in case you were curious, we didn't hook up, either," you say slowly, and Sugar's mouth drops open in a way that makes your stomach turn, but you don't want to linger over this topic, or ask her why she's reacting like that, so you clear your throat and put on the bitchiest face possible. The more you talk about this, the more you're finding reason to fake a headache and bail. "Can we get on with this? We only have tonight."
You don't let them answer, instead choosing to spin on your heel and head towards your director's chair.
All eyes stay on you until you flash them a glare.
/
The question of why Sugar reacted like that runs through you on repeat.
To the point where you have to pop a few painkillers in the bathroom after finishing up the first scene as the sun sets outside because it's giving you an actual headache, like the one you were considering faking to get out of here before Brittany arrives.
You clutch at the edge of the basin, looking deeply at your reflection and noting how dark your eyes are. There are heavy bags beneath them, giving off the effect you haven't slept for days, and you make a promise not to drink so much next time for more than one reason.
Had you have not been heavily influenced, you probably would've had the clarity to realise that taking Dani into your bedroom without talking to Brittany, was a bad (and childish) move, and that's where you'll start when she finally arrives. You're going to admit your faults as you have been a jackass, too and maybe that'll make it easier.
She's yet to get to the diner though, and you've not heard any whispers of her name from anyone around you – it's like they're trying to avoid it on purpose – but you've been scribbling down notes on the scenes as they're happening in front of you, wondering if the rewrite is going to be good enough as there's been a few alterations so far that you weren't aware of. But you signed up for that.
You told Artie you trusted him and despite your original thoughts on his mind being filled with a perverted Japanese businessman's darkest urges, so far he's proved you wrong and from what you've witnessed, the material has been decent, so you don't bother skipping ahead and reading over all of it.
With a few tweaks, you know you're going to make a solid movie out of all of this, and the end is so close that you're eager to rush there because it means getting back to normality.
Yeah, you've got to talk to Brittany, and every second that she hasn't been here has been making you feel more and more nauseous, as well as given you this pounding headache as those thoughts have been spiralling with what Sugar said, but you know it'll be short and sweet. You're not good with words, and if you act oblivious to everything, and be the normal Santana Lopez that everyone knows but with a more mature mindset, you're sure you can make her see how genuinely sorry you are for being a total ass and going all weird on her, and then get back to your friendship that you had.
And okay, maybe it's going to be a struggle to not remember what shade the colour of her eyes go when she has an orgasm, or how she feels pressed naked against your own naked body, but they were two fleeting moments and in the grand scheme of things, that's nothing. You've got plenty of time to replace them with better, friendlier memories, and get back to how you used to be.
If you can come out of this whole thing with a porno under your arm and with Brittany in your life in whatever capacity, you're good.
You push off the basin and close your eyes, taking a few calming breaths before you head out into the diner, and you get to the edge of the set before you hear anyone's voices, noticing Kurt, Sugar and Artie all stood over on the far side looking deep in conversation. Holly is by your chair, flicking through the clipboard that Artie handed her when you left for the bathroom, and Dani (who has now arrived), Puck and Spencer are sat on one of the booths nearby.
They're all waiting for the next scene to start, and you head straight for Holly to grab the clipboard to see what's next as you hadn't read through the scenes when you left. But when you get there and reach out for it, she pulls it to her chest and your eyes snap to hers, seeing them wide as they look at you.
"What?" You get out through a nervous laugh, noting the several other pairs of eyes now looking your way and you begin feeling uneasy. Why is everyone looking at you?
Holly stutters, which for a women of her calibre is very strange, and the unease begins tripling inside your stomach, your vision flitting down to the clipboard pressed against her chest like she's trying to hide it from you. You're getting the feeling she doesn't want you to look at it, but that's ridiculous because you're heading up this whole thing and it hasn't been a problem before, and your mouth goes to ask what the deal is when you hear someone wander in from behind you.
"I'm all set," Sam announces, and you narrow your eyes, peering over your shoulder to find him in a shirt and jeans, with a cowboy hat on.
So, you replace your original question with another two and glance back at Holly. "What's with the Brokeback Mountain get up?" You say, narrowing your eyes. "What's going on?"
You know you said you trusted Artie, but Sam's dressed like a modern-day cowboy, and you don't really understand how that fits into the diner scenario or why he's even ready as you didn't think he had a scene to film. Everything has been tailored to the set so far, like yours and Brittany's scene with you being a delivery driver, and Sugar seeing to Puck's needs as a customer, so even if he's in the scene you're yet to find out about, you're curious as to why he's dressed like that. You're beginning to think you should've listened to Artie earlier as this is a curve ball you didn't see coming.
Not to mention the way everyone's gone deadly silent is ringing in your ears is making everything so much worse because now you're thinking you've definitely been left out the loop.
But you don't want to show fear or hesitation, and despite the fact you're now breathing harder as your body is reacting quicker than your mind, and you slide into your chair, pretending like you're not noticing everyone looking at you. Instead, you choose to snatch the clipboard out of Holly's hands as they're still not moving, watching her lurch forward after it but you just twist away, glancing around the room one more time before your eyes move to the piece of paper attached to the clipboard that holds the information to the next scene.
And apparently, why everyone's freaking staring.
Except you don't get to look for yourself, because the sound of the bell above the door jingles, earning everyone's attention and your head snaps round so quickly you hear your neck click at the movement.
All the oxygen is sucked out the room as you watch Brittany stride in, wearing a long overcoat, but her make-up is done in a familiar way and her hair is long and straight around her shoulders and she looks fucking incredible, but you've seen her like that before and–
"Hey, Britt," Sam calls and jogs over to her, so dumb and oblivious to anything other than his ten-inch dick that your mind blanks, heart leaping into your throat. You watch as he slows down in front of her, wrapping her up in a hug and you think you hear your heart crack inside your chest as you connect the dots, but then the two blondes are making a beeline for Artie, who's directly in front of you and Holly and it's only now that you realise he's looking all sorts of panicked.
What the fuck is going on?
You have no idea, even if your body clearly does as the blood is surging around it really fucking fast, your lungs restricting as you haven't taken a fucking breath since Brittany walked in, but you just watch it the scene in front of you unveil, too distracted with seeing Brittany for the first time in about fourteen hours now – not that you've been counting or anything – and too distracted with how fucking cutesy she's being with Sam, right fucking in front of you and why she's dressed like she's not going to be behind the camera.
If it weren't for the pounding inside your ears, you'd be able to listen to Artie and what's he saying, and you probably wouldn't usually but his eyes keep flicking over to you as he talks to Sam and Brittany and you blink away from it, wetting your lips and sucking them into your mouth as you look back to Holly. She's staring back at you already, her face twisted with pity, and it just makes you feel a thousand times worse, your throat getting even fucking thicker and you still don't know what's going on, but you think you're figuring it out.
"Their scene is up next," Holly finally whispers, and you don't process the words for the first few seconds before repeating them and then they're ringing alarm bells in your head.
"Who's scene is up next?" You hiss, desperately needing to clarify who she's fucking talking about, but your heart already does because it's thumping loudly against your ribcage, almost to the point of pain. Nothing bar some hardcore drugs would be able to stop you feeling like this, and you start thinking about what you've seen and how you interpreted it, knowing you're a fucking idiot because no, you don't think Sam and Brittany did hook up last night, but that's not the problem.
They're about to. They're about to do their fucking cowboy and cowgirl scene Artie joked about way back when.
Right in fucking front of you.
"Sam and Brittany's…" Holly follows up, her voice weak and she sets a hand over the back of yours on the clipboard, slowly taking it from beneath your limp grip but again, your mind just blanks.
You try to regulate your breathing. You try to force away the freezing cold sting that pulses through your veins as your eyes unintentionally slide back to Sam and Brittany, but it doesn't work, and you steady yourself on the arms of your chair to make the room feel like it's spinning a little less because she's doing the scene. Brittany's doing the fucking scene and before you can even tell yourself to, you're up on your feet, yanking your headset off so it falls around your shoulders and you're reaching the two blondes, grabbing Brittany's wrist and tugging her away from Artie and Sam, off to the side a few steps away.
It's nowhere near far enough though that everyone won't be able to hear, but there's red flashing behind your eyes distracting you, and you're not sure whether you're pissed, hurt, or want to run out the doors and never come back, but you need to ask Brittany what the fuck changed. The last thing you heard, which was less than twenty-four fucking hours ago, she wasn't doing the scene with Sam and now she is, and you're confused and jealous and all the things in between.
You can't even hide it. You're panting like you've just been for a run, and you can feel how hot your palm is as it grips on to her wrist, her eyes now beaming back at you but they're hard and you're confused for a whole other reason now.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" You snap, trying to keep your voice low but you can't control the volume when you're this angry.
Brittany picks up on your tone, scoffing loudly and you jerk your head back at the same time she yanks her arm free from your grasp, folding her arms over her chest. "What we signed up to do," she grits out in response, nostrils flaring. "Even if some of us are doing more than that," she adds, probably so quietly because she's hoping for you not to hear, but you do.
You can't help but choke out a mirthless laugh in response. Have you gone fucking mad? Were you dreaming about everything that's happened? And what the fuck is doing more supposed to mean?
"Are you kidding me?" You blurt out, the heat from your palm now flaring across your skin and you know you're mad. You're never mad at Brittany, so this is a first, but you're mad on a regular basis because everyone just annoys the hell out of you so it's familiar. "I thought you weren't doing the scene."
"I thought a lot of things," she snipes back without missing a beat and your eyes narrow in response. She's not making any sense, but she obviously thinks she has a leg to stand on because she's lifting her chin, those blue eyes darker than you've ever seen them and not in a way that makes you think you'll be having make-up sex. It's harder than that. It's so much worse than that and that's another first between you and her tonight.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"It means…" Brittany steps forward, seeming ten foot tall as she towers over you but you're angry and angry for good reason. How the fuck can she think this is okay? You thought she was the expert on what was okay after the shit she pulled with Dani last night, and you're going to be sensitive after hearing you were just used for a good fuck or two. You thought there was something more going on between you, but obviously she's pissed and so maybe there is more going on than meets the eye but not in the way you thought.
So, you stay strong, not backing away when you're panting heavily, red flashing everywhere and tinting the view you have of her. You've never seen her so mad before.
"It means that I'm doing what I'm doing in the same way you're going to do whatever you're going to do," she continues and clenches her jaw, eyes flitting between both of yours. "Or have done. It's no different."
You cock your head to the side, trying to decipher her because you're usually such a pro at it, but there's these walls guarding her that you aren't used to. It's a side you're not privy to because she's usually so carefree and open with you, never hiding a smile or blushing when you catch her looking. It's one of your favourite things about her, because it means you can do it too without fear of judgement, but this situation feels far from that right now.
You just don't understand why.
But then you see her eyes flit behind you, and it goes on for too long just to be convenient, so you follow the line of sight and see the intended target to be Dani, your body tensing when your mind connects the dots. She thinks you're still doing the scene with Dani.
"I'm not doing the scene with Dani," you choke out, unable to keep it in and now you're getting some clarity to why Brittany's pissed. As smug as you feel, you don't like being smug because it also lets you know you might be wrong about certain things. Like, why else would Brittany be looking at you with a mouth open, eyes wide as she glances around the room? Why else would she look so much like a deer in the headlights as she stares at someone off to the left? Probably to Artie to see why she didn't know that, but she could've asked. "If that's what you're talking about."
But just as quick as she was surprised, she's snapping back into angry Brittany and your eyebrows push together in the middle of your forehead as she stands strong again. Okay, maybe that's not why she's pissed.
"At least mine's for the purpose of the film," she hisses, and the tone is so sharp that it hurts your ears, your face twisting into a wince and that's when it all falls into place. It's like you hear her words through brand new ears, the realisation smacking you square in the face like someone just hit you with a cold fish and you're laughing uncontrollably before you know it, shaking your head as you take a step back and drop your chin to your chest, looking to the ground.
Because it's not that she still thinks you're doing the scene with Dani… She thinks you hooked up with her last night, even though she said it was a-okay.
And it makes you ten times angrier. It makes your blood boil inside your body, flaring across your chest and your fists ball tightly, pressing into your ribs as the laughter continues, but nothing is fucking funny about this. Nothing at all, apart from maybe the fact that Brittany thought you'd be typical Santana after you two slept together, but you were somewhere entirely different and in another mindset, you'd realise that someone reacting like this isn't normal for just a friend, but you're too overwhelmed with a mixture of emotions to notice.
"I didn't hook up with Dani, Brittany," you get out, laughing because even if you fucking did, she said it was okay. "But maybe I should ask you why you said it was okay if you're just going to throw it in my face?"
Brittany jerks her head back, face going from angry to confused, the wrinkle above her eyebrow showing you and you feel heaviness inside your stomach, knowing that everyone is watching but not giving a shit. You're too angry, too confused, feeling too fucking much and you promised yourself you wouldn't do this. It feels like you're having a showdown and you shouldn't be doing it in the diner. You shouldn't be doing it in front of all your friends and you shouldn't even fucking be doing this at all because Brittany said it was fucking okay.
Had she not, you wouldn't have even considered going into your bedroom with Dani, and that's the fucking point here.
"But if that's what this is," you sweep your hand out, gesturing to Sam to your right who's mouth is gaped open and eyes matching width, and you can feel the venom building. "Trying to get one up on me, then fucking go ahead."
Brittany winces at the sound of your voice, her nose crinkling and usually you'd simmer down at how she's recoiling, but for once, you feel like she's the one in the wrong. You thought your reaction of taking Dani into your bedroom was bad, but for her to go ahead and do the scene to spite you? That's just straight up bullshit and sure, it also means that she feels more than she's letting on – a best friend wouldn't react like this – but you're far too pissed off to remember that.
"I thought–"
"Whatever you thought, you thought wrong," you interject, your hands trembling as you hug your body closer. You feel like you could burst into flames or just have a nervous breakdown and neither of those will help in this moment, but you want her to feel what you've been feeling for the past fourteen hours. "Because you thought that you could be mad at me for hooking up with someone else after you said it was okay?" You step forward, challenging her but she doesn't move, just steels herself and lifts her chin. As much as you don't want to do this in front of the several eyes burning holes into your skull, you can't stop. "You're acting like a jealous fucking girlfriend, Brittany and it's confusing and fucking bullshit."
"But I'm not your girlfriend, Santana," she retorts strongly, and you feel your upper lip quiver, but you resist the urge to snarl at her. "And like you said to Kurt, it's just sex, right?"
For a second, you're confused, face scrunching up but then your mind flicks back to the party last night where Kurt was looking over your shoulder and you remember saying it. At the time, you didn't pick up on the air around you due to your high blood alcohol content, which if you had done, you would've realised she was in earshot of your conversation and obviously heard the tail end of it, but you didn't mean you and her were just sex, you were talking about the scene which was supposed to be, and just wasn't in the end.
But that's not good enough reason to get away with her attitude. Just because you said it was just sex, doesn't mean it's okay for her to not only pull the bullshit about Dani, but to use it as a reason to prove that what you said was right? What the fuck is she going to get out of it? And had she spoken to you for more than three seconds, and possibly come home last night instead of staying out and doing God knows what, or who, she would've found that out and you'd be getting to the apology you rehearsed earlier.
Now you're mad though. Now you're so far past mad you don't think you've ever been this fucking mad before, and all care of people listening in shoots out the window as words bubble up your throat.
"We had sex, Britt," you start, voice hard and the blondes mouth drops open, a shocked expression donning her face as blue eyes flit around the room, but you don't care. "We fucked, after you came into my bedroom, in our flat and we both know it wasn't just a meaningless thing," you follow up and in the distance, you hear a few audible gasps, but it can't be that unexpected. There's been tension since you filmed the scene and a shit ton happened after that between you, including a conversation only an hour after where she asked if you felt weird.
"You asked me if I felt weird after the first time, and it was because it wasn't just sex even when we were on set," you choke out, your throat thickening until it's restricting the ability to speak, but you push through it, causing tears to form behind your eyes as you glare at Brittany. You can feel a pressure lifting from your chest, but there's a heat in your cheeks from embarrassment as you know you're speaking candidly about something you've held so close since it freaking happened, but you just can't do it anymore. You've got to get it out.
"Then you came into my room that night, and we did it again, and it wasn't normal," you shake your head, desperately focusing on not crying but the way Brittany's staring at you, looking like she's about to cry is seriously threatening it. If she cries, you're going to cry, and it'll break your resolve. You're fucking mad for good reason and you want her to feel it. "We both fucking felt it–Fuck," you pause and pinch the bridge of your nose, inhaling deeply against the ache in your chest.
"Everyone else fucking felt it and then you come here," you drop your hand from your face, thrusting your finger towards the ground and the heat scorching across your skin trebles. "Telling me you're doing the scene with Sam because you thought I hooked up with Dani? For what?" You squint, showing her you don't understand with a brief cock of your head. "To hurt me? To piss me off? To get some sort of fucked up payback?" You pause, but she doesn't answer. "After telling Dani it was cool to sleep with me. How the fuck is that fair?"
By now, you're choking out the words against the sobs forcing themselves up your throat, and at the last word your voice cracks, a single tear falling from your eye, but you sweep it away quickly, not wanting to show her you're about to break.
She bites her lip, seeing it anyway and you look away quickly, finding the last ounce of strength inside your body to continue this conversation because it was a long time coming. It didn't start the way you wanted it to, as obviously you give a fuck if she films with Sam and gets to do all the things you were doing to her because you think you're in love with her and have been since… Well, since forever, but the conversation was due and it feels like this is going to put you in your place, and it'll do the same for her.
Except as per usual, Brittany surprises you by saying, "I didn't say it was okay to sleep with you," she mutters, and swallows thickly, hands falling down to her side as she shrugs at you, like she's defeated. Her voice isn't as hard, nor is the colour of her eyes, but it won't break your resolve. She's the one in the wrong here now, not you. "I told her if it was okay with you, it's okay with me because how could I say no?" She continues and your mind flashes back to you two having a similar conversation, but that felt like more, and you guess you were right. Now you're linking together her saying she didn't just have sex with anyone and it's beginning to dawn on you that there'd only be one reason why.
She was only okay with it if you were, which you wouldn't have been if it had been phrased like that, but Dani obviously misunderstood her words and thought that was a green light.
But you've been wrong about these things before. Back in high school, at one point you thought she was jealous – when you had your first kiss in spin the bottle with one of her Cheerio friends – but it was never spoke of and you didn't have the balls to bring it up. You were a nerdy, speckled kid with thick glasses and a terrible haircut, and there was no way someone like Brittany Pierce felt something more than platonic feelings for you, so it was just cast aside to be forgotten about.
The way she's looking at you right now, with her expression soft but sad, you're starting to think it wasn't forgotten. Just like it wasn't by you.
And if you're right, you might be able to hear the words you've wanted to since you were 16 years old, and so fucking what if everyone's staring? This is a time to challenge her and push her because one way or the other, you've got to sort this out and you'd have to be an idiot to think she wasn't jealous or feeling anything toward you right now. You'd have to be an idiot, or your 16-year-old self to not push her hand this time and so you take every ounce of energy you have left and step toward her, reaching out to grab her hand, earning her eyes back on yours.
You're still breathing super fucking heavily, and you're more nervous than you've ever been, but you think you need to do this. You need to hear why she would care, then pretend she didn't, as you know why you've been the way you have, so you're hoping it's the same for her. You need to communicate because you've done a shit job of it so far, and if you put your feelings out there, she might return them.
"You're my best friend, Brittany," you utter, and your voice is now the complete opposite, warm but soft in a way that you only use when talking to her. "So be honest with me," you continue and gulp, your heart stammering rapidly inside your chest. "You can't stand here and say that it meant nothing," you state, avoiding using the phrase we had sex as it's not just about that anymore. There's something else here and unlike usual – where sex is your sole focus – knowing how she's feeling has really been at the forefront the whole time, even during, and so sex is the last thing on your mind. "You can't tell me that you didn't feel what happened," you press, shifting closer.
But she's scared. You can see it in her eyes, and she lingers on your stare for two seconds before dropping your hand and taking a step back. "It doesn't matter what I think or did think," she weakly replies, and your heart stops inside your chest, the silence deafeningly loud in your ears. "It's all for the movie and to get rich, just like you wanted," she croaks out and you tilt your head to the side, heat prickling at your eyelids. She can't be saying this. "You said it was just sex and it wouldn't get weird and I'm sticking to it," she adds on, but she doesn't even look like she's believing what she's saying.
You can't either.
"You're sticking to it?" You repeat, your voice high as you take a step back and shake your head at her. You can feel and heart your heart breaking inside your chest. This isn't what you wanted to hear. This can't really be happening. "That's it? That's all you've gotta say?"
Brittany's bottom lip quivers, tears glossing over her eyes, but they shift behind you, scanning across the people you've long forgotten about, and it doesn't matter how scared she is, because you're vulnerable and open and trying to be the person you thought she wanted. You're trying the opposite of how you handled your feelings back in high school, thinking that maybe this time, you'd have a shot and you thought when you had sex that proved it. You thought that she was kissing you and touching you because she felt this connection, but apparently not.
And no film is going to make that better. No amount of money is worth feeling the way you do right now, and you've spent so long trying to focus on getting it fucking finished that you completely overlooked everything else. Like how you're undeniably in love with your best friend. Like how you're right back where you were in high school, but it's magnified a thousand times because she's going to have sex with Sam and disregard your admittance and shit, you should've just locked it back up inside.
"I'm just trying to get this film done for you, Santana," Brittany finally replies, but her voice is defeated and she's shrugging like she's trying to show you that, but you don't know why. You're not trying to fight her because you're putting your heart out on the line, just for her to pretend like it's not there. Even if it's because she's terrified, or because she doesn't actually have feelings for you, you're worth more than that and you know your own worth. "So I'm going to go and get ready for my scene, if you don't have anything else to say," she adds, through a strained throat, wiping away at the few tears spilling from blue eyes.
And that's the final blow.
Your heart breaks, cracks straight down the middle and if it wasn't for the adrenaline of mixed emotions, you'd probably fall to the floor, clutching at your chest, but you don't let anyone see you break. You never have and never will, knowing there's a strength inside of you that was spent from years of training.
You're better than this, and you won't put yourself through it. If it's just for the damn film, then she can have the fucking thing. You don't even care anymore about it because it's just not fucking worth the heartache, or destroying the life you had before even though the damage is done, and so you exhale shakily, dropping your head at the same time you toss the clipboard on to the chair you were once perched on, sparing one final glance around the diner, spying several pairs of eyes staring directly at you in a stunned silence before walking away, dropping your headset by the doors as you push through them.
You can't do this anymore, and you don't look back.
/
How we feeling?