8: Break Your Heart

"What exactly are we down here risking our lives for?" Anders asked, leaning against a wall, trying not to pant. He was no slouch in combat, but he was a mage, he fought best from afar, with magic. Being attacked from behind was never a good thing for anyone, including him. He hadn't been able to turn and use his staff properly, and honestly… the attack had caught him off-guard enough to make him forget that he didn't actually need the damn thing to use his magic, he was just used to it.

"Several things," Hawke said, busy searching the still-warm body of a guard who had tried to take her head off with a pike. "Oh, coin!"

Anders could only watch as he pilfered the corpse, his eyes widening ever so slightly when she pocketed the tiny pouch of coins. "You're stealing from-" he stopped himself, not really as surprised as he pretended to be. The Commander had done the same thing.

"I'm poor and we really need the money," Beau said without the slightest hint of shame. "Not like he'll need it anymore, anyway."

"Wise attitude," Varric nodded approvingly, surveying the wine barrels that lined one of the cellar walls. "I wonder…"

"We're not here to drink, Varric," Bethany reprimanded sternly, glancing at her sister who was done ransacking the corpses. While she knew it was a necessary evil, she found herself unable to do the same as Beau, touch a dead person… take his things. "We're here for-"

"The vault."

"Yes, which should be this way," she gestured with her staff.

"Do you think this was all our grandparents'? And Mother's?" Bethany asked in a hushed whisper as she looked around the vault with wide eyes.

Beau shook her head no, busy rifling through a cabinet full of papers, some important looking, some not. "No, I think if it had been, Gamlen would have used it for his gambling."

"You're probably right."

Varric was also examining the vault with interest. "No, this is slaver wealth." He said after a moment. "Blood money, Sunshine. I doubt if anything of your family is left. Sorry."

"No, it's fine, I should have realized," Bethany murmured, sparing a sideways look at her sister who was still digging in the cabinet. "Find anything, Beau?"

"A few things," was the short answer. "Including the will. Gamlen is a bastard." She turned to face the others though her stare was for Bethany alone as she held out the document. After Bethie had taken it, she began searching the rest of the vault, filling her pockets with valuables, aware that Varric was now doing the same. She did note that Anders was merely watching them, making no move to help himself to the loot. She supposed she couldn't fault him for it. He had come to help them recover a will, not steal. Even if it was blood money as Varric had pointed out. That made it fair game as far as she was concerned.

"This will fetch more than enough to cover the fifty," Varric said, sounding very pleased as he turned towards his partner. "There'll be plenty extra for outfitting ourselves properly as well."

"Perhaps enough to trade up on crossbows?" Beau asked, just a little too innocently.

Looking offended, he reached back to pat Bianca. "Ignore her, baby," he murmured. "She's just teasing."

Beau stuck her tongue out at him.

Even though they now had the coin to become partners with Bartrand and to join his expedition, Bartrand himself was not ready to go just yet, which meant they had time to kill. Or at least in theory they did, Beau always seemed to find something to occupy what little free time she might have possessed.

After a lovely row with Gamlen, Mother had set out to reclaim the estate, which suited Beau just fine as it kept her busy. It also kept her from asking too many questions. Bethany was keeping to home and Lowtown, staying out of sight of the templars and anyone else who might try to turn her in for a bit of coin or favor.

Beau had no idea how long exactly they would be in the Deep Roads and Varric hadn't been able to give her any definite answer either. With the thought of being gone for an extended period of time, she figured she would make more coin to leave with Mother – just in case. The quest for more funds led her to a dwarf named Anso who had sent her on a wild goose chase -and also Varric who had tagged along for want of anything 'better' to do. Personally, she figured he was just protecting the investment. Anso's little job actually turned out to be a false lead and a much bigger deal than either Beau or Varric had anticipated. Though, they had met Fenris that way.

From what Beau had learned about Fenris, he seemed… okay. He had serious baggage but most of the people she knew did so she let that slide for now. After stumbling their way into his mess and then out of it, they had helped Fenris to clear out a mansion his former master – a Tevinter mage- had apparently been squatting in. While they had found a lot of dead bodies and otherworldly things, they did not find the mage. Fenris also seemed to have issues with mages in general, not just Tevinter ones. All in all, not that surprising.

"Fenris seemed… capable," Beau said slowly, considering the elf as she picked at the remainder of a meager meal she and Anders had mostly just finished off. "He'll be put to the test tomorrow night. Aveline has another favor she wants me to help with and he's offered to join us in the Deep Roads. It's like…" she popped the last bit of bread in her mouth, green eyes thoughtful. "It's like a trial first, make sure he's as good as he seems. I need to know if his only parlor trick is plucking hearts from bodies."

"Aveline…" he murmured, wondering why the name was familiar before it struck him. The red-headed guardswoman they had gone to Sundermount with. "She is your friend in the guard? The one who came to Kirkwall with you, correct?"

Beau nodded, sipping from the flask of wine that rest between them on the rough bench they were sharing, tucked away in the back of his clinic.

The expedition would leave in less than a week and she was assembling her own little crew, with Varric's blessing of course. Now that she was partners with both Varric and Bartrand -who was annoyed very much by this fact- she had made the decision to not go without a few more sword arms into the Deep Roads. So far, it was her, Varric and Fenris. Fenris had offered his services as repayment for their unwitting aid. Bethany would be staying home with their mother and Aveline was too busy with her work as a guard to go with them, especially as they had no idea when they would be back.

"Bethany and Aveline aren't going," she said finally, offering him the flask. "Not with us to the Deep Roads. But Fenris is, and Varric has someone he wants me to meet sometime tonight. Someone he thinks will be useful."

"I see you're using all your resources then."

"All that I can, yes, and mind you, there aren't many. I do think we'll manage though. There are other mercs on this venture but from the way Varric talks, they're all green."

"You've left one out, you know," Anders commented idly. At her arched brow, he shrugged. "A resource."

"Have I now?"

"Me." He honestly wondered why she hadn't asked him to come in the first place. He was a healer and Maker knew they were going to need a good healer down there in hell. Not to mention his dubious Grey Warden status, he could sense darkspawn, a useful little trick.

Beau considered that, considered him. She had actually thought about asking him along -he was a Grey Warden after all- but she figured he was doing too much good here. Not to mention he had made it abundantly clear that he hoped to never set foot in the Deep Roads again.

Anders remained quiet while she contemplated his offer. Over the past several months, when she wasn't busy making coin or raising hell with Varric or with her family, she had devoted her sparse free time to help him in the clinic. For that alone he would have helped. But he also had another reason for wanting to go, he just wasn't going to acknowledge it.

Denial was a good thing.

"And what do you think of the lovely Isabela, Isabeau?" Varric asked as he walked her home from the Hanged Man. He knew she didn't need an escort; she was more than capable of taking care of herself, he just wanted to talk to her away from the prying eyes and ears.

"I think you'll have too much fun with our names."

"Well, besides that."

"I think she'll need to be watched around the liquor and anything remotely attractive, but she'll do."

Varric chuckled at the honest assessment. "So, the four of us then, it's settled. Sunshine won't like this, you know."

"Bethie will understand why she can't go," Beau said flatly. She wasn't having another sibling's death on her hands. "Five, by the way."

"Five?"

"Anders is coming."

"Blondie? Really?" Varric stroked her chin as they ambled up the dirty stairs to Gamlen's house, glancing up at her knowingly. "You're still spending quite a bit of time with him, eh Hawke?"

"Some," was her wary reply. Every time Anders came up, Varric seemed to fish. "I try to help him with the clinic."

"Hmm…"

"It's not what you're thinking, dwarf."

"Sure, it's not, human."

"You're sure you want to come? It'll be very dull most likely," Beau warned the next morning, sparing a quick look over her shoulder at Anders before turning back to her next task. Lirene had asked her to deliver a crate of goods, which sounded easy in theory. However, getting the blasted thing down here, without someone trying to steal it, had been a pain.

She had no sooner entered the clinic than he announced he was going with her on her favor to Aveline. She had no idea why, it was just supposedly a quiet route they were going to check in on or, so Aveline had said, but the way she had said it implied she was expecting trouble. Beau had wanted to ask questions, but Aveline had cut her off with some rubbish about not wanting to drag her into the mess in the event the guardswoman was wrong.

"It'll be nice to get out of the clinic for a while," he shrugged, keeping one eye on her back and the other on the clean robe he was adjusting. He had a robe for when he tended people and the second, he wore for everything else that wasn't related to ill, diseased people. Beau had once asked him why he just didn't wear regular clothing like everyone else did, like she had seen him wear on very few occasions, in order to draw less attention to himself. He had given her a vague 'robes have their uses' line. Truth be told, he never had and probably never would get used to having fabric constraining certain areas.

"I've also got to go to Sundermount, again."

"What for this time?"

"An um, favor."

"You do a lot of favors, don't you?" It wasn't a question.

Hesitating, Beau smiled awkwardly. "Actually, it's more like repaying a debt, one I've put off repaying long enough."

From the way she said it, Anders gathered this debt was not something she really cared to discuss. "So, we're off to Sundermount. It'll be like a vacation, with work," he said finally, in a light tone, trying to clear away the tension.

"Wait, what? I don't recall inviting you along." Tension cleared, it worked, because she was smiling slightly.

"I need to look for some fresh herbs for more poultices anyway."

The slight smile was a now a full-on grin.

"You know, I had a friend like you," he informed her, returning the grin. "Always getting into trouble… I didn't think I'd be doing that again, the trouble I mean. I must be crazy." He was definitely crazy. Their last expedition to Sundermount had led them to Tal-Vashoth and then to the qunari compound, straight to the Arishok. He had not expected to get out of there alive, especially when she had displayed her inability to be tactful. Endearing most of the time, terrifying then.

"Well, crazy maybe, but at least you look handsome doing it," she shot back. The mood instantly changed, and she knew some line had been crossed. She hadn't been aware a line had even been drawn, and the confusion showed on her face as she stared at him, the mirth fading. It was like all the light, what little there was, had been sucked from the room and Anders had gone almost ashen.

He looked away from her, a tortured expression flitting across his own face. "No, Isabeau, don't go there."

She winced at the way he said her name. For the most part, he still used Hawke, occasionally slipping up and calling her 'Beau', which she did not mind at this point, but never Isabeau. It sounded so wrong coming from him.

"That would not end well for us, and the last thing I want is to hurt you."

She had absolutely no idea what to say to that, to diffuse this. So that was the line and her relatively innocent wisecrack, perhaps borderline flirting, had caused this change in him. She didn't know whether to feel disappointed that he didn't want to return the interest or pleased that he did. "I don't mind a little pain, hurt me," she teased, almost desperately, a fallback into her appropriate humor. "I might like it."

"No," his voice was stern as he walked away from her, dropping down on the bench they tended to share their meals on. "You remember what I did in the chantry."

She nodded slowly. That had been months ago, but she would never forget it.

"That is who I am, Isabeau."

Cautiously, she approached him, wishing he wouldn't use her full name. "A man who tried to help a friend?"

"No… no, Isabeau," he wasn't letting her talk around the issue or cover it up with pretty words. "A few years ago, maybe, we could have had something but…. I'm not that man anymore. I'm not."

"Anders…"

"I'd only break your heart."

She wanted to reach out and touch him, maybe place a hand on his shoulder and offer some sort of silent comfort -which was not something she had a lot of experience with- but Anders closed his eyes and hung his head. He looked so sad that she felt her heart break. When he spoke again, she had to strain to catch his whispered words.

"And that might kill me as surely as the templars."

"Your captain is a right dirty bastard," Beau announced later that evening, feeling satisfied with their work. They had stumbled across Donnic, where Aveline had said he would be, and killed the mercenaries trying to do him a wrong turn. Killing them had felt good. It didn't require her to think or feel, just to act. If anyone noticed her odd mood, they didn't say, and she appreciated that.

Aveline nodded, studying the documents the satchel had carried. She had been tracking this for a while, observing routes, listening to the seemingly idle chatter amongst her coworkers, and tonight it had paid off. She had given Beau the rundown on everything, noting that Beau was not exactly on game tonight in the thinking department, and made a mental note to inquire about it later. Right now, she had the captain of the guard to confront. "He is indeed. Thank you, Beau, for this."

"Not a problem, Aveline, it gave me something to do."

"I imagine come tomorrow, you'll have plenty. I have to get Donnic back to the barracks. Will you come to see me before you leave for Sundermount?"

"Probably not. I'll check in when I return though."

"That'll do," Aveline smiled, which for her, was the equivalent of a hug. Aveline was not a hugger. "I'll see you, Beau, try not to get into trouble."

"So says the woman who pulled me into a pocket of it!"

"I'm sure you'll forgive me."

From the back of their little group, Anders watched the interaction between the women. He didn't know Aveline as well as he knew Varric, or Beau -no, Hawke-, but even he could see the affection between them. He could also see the way Hawke was carrying herself, stiffly, and not from wounds either. He knew what it was from, their… moment earlier, their very awkward, surprisingly painful moment.

He couldn't lie, he had thought of her potential to be more than a friend but as he got to know her, he realized that just a tryst wouldn't be enough. It would be unfair, to both of them, and given his situation, she would be the one to wind up hurt. In the hopes of sparing her pain, it seemed that he had caused some. It was surprising to realize that she had perhaps returned his blossoming affections. Best to squash it all now, while there was a chance, they could eventually salvage their friendship.

Anders met her even stare and returned it, refusing to look away, to feel guilty.

She looked away first.