Two days after radio silence had been broken and six weeks till end of deployment
~ Hey! Hope your day is going well and that everyone is good! I thought I better document this so you would believe that I did in fact go shopping for food this week. Also thought I better send this to all of you so no one would feel left out. ~
A picture of Jess dramatically gesturing to the mound of groceries on the kitchen table accompanied the message and it got a chuckle out of Full Metal before he and the boys headed back out into the harsher realities of their work.
His reply took thirty seconds.
~ Glad to see that, but why do I see three boxes of KD in that pile I thought we talked about the KD.~
"You see the message from Jess?" Clay asked as they headed out the door, half grin on his face.
"Finally bought food." Metal grunted with mild approval.
"Two days later." Sonny laughed. "We gotta train that girl up better."
"Did she at least get healthy food?" Ray asked. "I didn't get a chance to look at it yet."
"Some. Could have been worse."
When they got back from their raid of a target house several long hours later, Metal was rewarded with another line from Jess.
~ The KD was necessary to hide the obnoxiously large container of Nutella and giant bag of chocolate covered coffee beans which were very tasty!~ Sent at 2 am (her time).
Unable to help himself and getting the feeling she was poking the bear to see what kind of response she would get, Scott sent back: ~ And just how many of those beans did you eat today?~
The answer popped back in almost instantly, which surprised him and indicated that even at 4 am Jess was still awake.
~ The whole bag.😀 ~
~Have you even slept?~
~NOPE!~
~And you wonder why we worry about you. Got to bed.~
Four weeks to end of deployment
They didn't tell Jess what day they would be back and she was so bad with linear time she hadn't actually put the dots together yet that it was creeping up.
Emma and Naima wanted it that way, sternly ordering them all to keep it quiet so they could surprise her. It turned out the return date was close to her birthday and Naima let enough slip about what kind of people Jess's mom and step-dad were like (through Ray) for them all to agree giving the kid a proper birthday was definitely a good call.
For her part, Jess was utterly oblivious to the scheming happening behind her back and didn't think twice about the extremely vague answers they all gave her as to when they would be back. She was just happy to have contact with her 'brothers/uncles', did her best to make them laugh and mostly succeeded at not letting on how friggin worried about them she was.
Checking for new messages out of pure habit now, Jess tried to push the twisting in her gut away. She'd woken up with a bad feeling that she couldn't shake no matter how many glasses of water she drank. There was just this heavy dread that something had happened.
The universe couldn't be so cruel as to give her these men in her life and then snatch them away again, could it?
Sighing, Jess got up from her desk, tucked her phone in her pocket and went downstairs to eat since she hadn't all day and it was already after noon.
Zoe's puppy, Pippin, hopped up from her bed and trotted over, tail wagging happily that someone was downstairs with her.
"Hey Pip!" Jess cooed, ruffling the dog's ears and making a fuss. "Who's the cutest little doggie in the whole wide world!? You are! Yes, you are!"
Pippin danced excitedly and tried to lick her face before grabbing a toy and showing it to her, tail thumping against every surface as she followed Jess into the kitchen.
Nothing in the fridge appealed to her, but she forced herself to make some eggs anyway when she heard Metal in the back of her head telling her off and could visualize the worried glint in Naima's eye. Maybe she would make a protein smoothie too.
Between the stress from school and life, minor housemate drama, worrying about her friends, drinking way too much coffee to stay awake and that in turn subsequently suppressing her appetite, Jess dropped about ten pounds since Bravo left, despite Naima's efforts to keep her fed whenever she came over. Jess knew the woman was worried because she'd been brutally honest with her one night about how skinny she was getting and gently checked in on whether Jess needed mental or medical help for something she wasn't telling anyone. That was the wake up cue for her that she'd slipped up again and wasn't taking care of herself well enough, leading to her trying to find better balances of eating, sleeping and doing school.
It was hard though. She hadn't taken the summer off from school and was in the thick of her last semester. After graduation she planned on transferring credits to a different school in the area and taking a more specific two year program that would get her experience in a research field she wanted at the university. She would be working with amazing plants, investigating possible medical uses of them and hopefully opening more doors down the road.
She was exhausted though. Her poor brain was just fired to a crisp.
Her phone started buzzing and Jess was surprised to see Full Metal coming through for a video call. He usually only messaged her, only calling twice now.
Worry prickled in her gut, but she answered with as much ease as she could muster.
This was her promise to herself. Never let them see the worry so they didn't feel bad or think she couldn't handle it and never drag them down with her own issues going on at home. It was bad enough they worried about her eating habits and the state of her vehicle, she didn't want them to know about the worse stuff going on. That would just be burdensome and this wasn't about her! This was about them and being a bright spot for them while they faced war.
"Scott!" Jess greeted, taking a minute to recognize him because of the darker skin and thicker facial hair. "Hi!"
He smiled and waved a little, "Hey, Jess! How you doing today?"
So many words wanted to form in her mouth because for some reason this big, gruff and mildly scary dude had a way of making her want to tell him everything that was wrong.
'I'm about to have a mental breakdown over my classes, my housemates are at each other's throats because of something tiny and stupid and I'm caught in the middle, I don't now how long my truckie is going to last and I can't afford to buy another car, Naima worries that I'm too skinny but I can't seem to stop drinking coffee or put any weight on, I don't sleep even when I try to been good, there is the constant fear in my head that something's gonna happen to the best people I know, my mother might be borderline stalking me because she suddenly knows things about my life that I never told her and I don't know how she'd finding out and it's making me a little crazy, I haven't left the house in four days and only just showered this morning. This is my first meal of the day. I might be crashing and burning and I don't know how to stop this from blowing up in my face. I can't do simple adulting tasks like buying food, moving my laundry along from the washer to the dryer, or keeping my dishes washed. I'm actually a friggin mess.'
Jess didn't say any of these even though she desperately wanted to. She couldn't do that. Not when she spotted the fresh cut just under his hairline and the exhaustion around his shoulders.
Instead she forced them all to the back of her mind, smiled and said, "It's good! Just made some lunch and taking a break from a paper I'm writing about the medicinal uses of Ashwagandha, also known as Indian gensing!"
"That's good. Glad you're eating." Scott nodded his approval and Jess tried not to squirm under that searching stare. Damn, this was easier without visuals!
"How are you? How are the guys?" Jess tried and failed not to add, "Everyone ok?"
Scott flicked his eyes up over the top of his screen and then back to her before answering, "We're all doing ok. Little more excitement last night than I think any of us wanted, but it's all good. Brock got a little roughed up with some shrapnel, but he'll be alright."
"Is he ok?" Jess was asking before he ever finished speaking, her voice small and tight with a forced calm.
"Yeah, he's fine. More pissed off about it than anything. Here, say hello!"
The screen jostled and bobbed for a second, then switched and Brock appeared.
"Hey, Jess!" Brock waved and smiled at her. He was laying in his bed, Cerberus curled up close to him and Jess could tell he wasn't feeling so hot. There were a few visible bruises and nicks along one side of his face, dark circles under the eyes and he seemed paler than usual.
Instant compassion and the desire to make him feel better or punch whoever hurt him in the face flashed through her and Jess heard herself saying, "Hi! H-how are you doing?"
He shrugged and ruffled Cerberus's ears. "I'm good. A little sore, maybe, but I'll be right as rain in a day or two. How are you doing? How's that puppy Zoe got?"
Seizing the opportunity and inspiration instantly, Jess said, "Pippin is wonderful! Here! Let me introduce you to her! Pip! Come here!"
Jess switched the screen so it would show the dog. The Labrador mix grabbed her favorite toy and wagged her way over, holding the prize up so she didn't trip on it while she trotted.
"Awwww! Hi Pippin! Aren't you just the sweetest thing! Look at those paws!" Brock all but gushed. "She's going to be so big, Jess! What's her mix?"
"I don't know." Jess admitted as she trained the camera on the puppy and got her to do all her cute tricks. "We were told that she was a lab, but then she's got some markings that look a bit like a Rottweiler and her ears are more fuzzy like a shepherd."
"Yeah, there is definitely some rottie in there," Brock told her as he peered closer. "That's good! They can be super sweet dogs and loyal protectors!"
Jess smiled as she flipped the camera back around and sat on the floor with the puppy, "She's already pretty fierce. She scared off a very dangerous dump truck yesterday and last night she woke the whole house up with this howl that-"
Suddenly Pippin was leaping to her feet and staring at the front door, hackles rising as she proceeded to demonstrate the exact demonic little barking howl Jess was describing.
"Pip! Geez! There's nothing there! It's ok!"
"Your door is locked, right?" Scott's voice rumbled from off screen.
Jess had to think about that.
"I think so?"
"You think so?" Scott didn't sound impressed.
"Yes?" Jess winced, mouthing 'I have no idea' and Brock laughed.
"You might wanna go check there, buddy," Brock winked and stage whispered. "Metal gets a little grumpy about these kinds of things."
Sighing longsuffering because it seemed to make Brock laugh more, Jess went to the door and looked. It wasn't locked so she slowly tried to slide the deadbolt so it didn't clunk like it usually did.
"It's not locked, is it," Metal stated while Brock shook with a slightly pained grimace as he laughed harder at the expression Jess made.
"It…is!" Jess stepped away from the door and smiled brightly.
"It wasn't before. I heard the click of the bolt."
"Ahhh. So close." Jess whispered to Brock. "Do you think he wants me to check the backdoor too? Once Pauline left for work really early in the morning and didn't even latch it properly so we got a raccoon in the house."
Brock covered his eyes and groaned while coughing. "Jess…don't tell us things like that!"
"It was fine!" Jess waved it off despite the fact it had actually rattled her when it happened because they'd thought it was an intruder. "It wasn't a rabid coon and it was so fat and lazy it didn't want to fight, so we just kinda chased it back out again."
"I'm just glad you have a dog in that house now." Metal growled. "At least one of you will have some sense."
"I'd like to say that was rude, but you aren't exactly wrong there…we should probably be more careful to check the doors," Jess agreed. "Although, breaking in here would be a waste because there is literally nothing of value that any of us own. Anything expensive goes with us 90% of the time."
Brock moved to hand the screen back to Scott. "I'm going to have to give you back to the big guy, Jess. Not sure I can handle laughing much more. Good talking to you and thanks for letting me see Pippin. She's adorable."
"You're welcome! Feel better soon…please."
Brock paused with a warm smile wrinkling around his eyes and he reassured her, "I feel better already. Promise."
Three weeks till the end of deployment.
The set ringer to signal a call from Bravo Team dragged Jess to the surface of sleep rather rudely on Tuesday night.
"Hello?" Jess answered the call groggily.
"Jess! How are you on this fine day!"
"Sonny?" Jess rolled over and squinted at her clock. "Do you know what time it is here?"
"It's Sonny time, that's what time it is!" The Texan drawled with a suspicious slurring to his words. "You know, you send more messages to everyone else and it's got my feelings a little hurt!"
"I do not," Jess sighed, closing her eyes and trying not to fall asleep again. "I send them all equally so that you don't whine about it like you are right now!"
Sonny gasped and laughed, "Well now I'm beginning to think you don't love me!"
"Oh my god, Sonny, I love you all equally," Jess groaned and put a hand to her forehead. Exhaustion kicked the next words out of her mouth before she could stop them. "Please don't try to guilt trip me because I get enough of that from my mom right now."
Sounding ever so slightly more sober, Sonny said, "I thought you didn't talk to your mom much…how's she guilt tripping you?"
"It's not important," Jess yawned to hide the slight panic over letting something slip that she'd promised herself she wouldn't. "How are you doing? Keeping everyone on their toes?"
"Always!"
"Sonny! What the hell are you doing?!"
"Is that Jess?"
Voices in the background had the Texan muttering, "Uh oh. Hi, Jas! It is, but it's a short call. I just needed her to tell me the weight of the last moose she and her dad got to settle a bet with Clay and then-"
"Give me the damn phone. What is wrong with you?"
"You better not have woken her up, or Naima will have your head."
Jess recognized Jason's 'I am going to hand your ass to you' tone and Ray's den mother warning growl instantly and instead of making her tense like it sometimes did, she smiled.
"You still there, kid?" Jason's voice came on the line, still irritated but softened for her sake.
"Hi! So Sonny seems a little more…himself?"
"Yeah, he's drunk and shouldn't have called you at this hour. He knows better."
"It's ok," Jess yawned, "At least it's not finals week."
"Things are going alright?" Jason asked quietly as Ray and Sonny's arguing voices faded into the background.
"As well as they can be," Jess told him, fatigue and being half asleep driving her to tell the truth.
Jason picked out the different note in her voice instantly and he asked, "Something going on that you want to talk about?"
Jess hesitated, half giving into that oh so tempting invitation he offered with one single question. Trying to find the words to explain she finally said, "It's a me problem, not yours and you've got enough to worry about. I'm ok."
"Jess…" Jason sighed almost inaudibly. "Whatever it is, if you're facing it alone, that's no good. Tell me you at least have people you're talking to about whatever it is, people helping you to work the problem."
"Pauline and Zoe know a lot of it, Naima a little," Jess offered, guilt prickling up into her lungs. "But…I don't want to drag people into something when they've already got their own stuff to deal with. With Pauline and Z I'm not really sure if it's more venting or working the problem when we talk. Probably more venting…I…I don't know what to do with it some days…but, it's ok. I can't…this isn't your problem. I'll handle it."
"I know dealing with these things on your own is what you're used to doing, Jess, but you aren't on your own anymore, kid." Jason was matter of fact at the same time as coaxing her into wanting to spill everything with that calming timber of his. "And I'm not trying to be rude to your friends, but sometimes an aged perspective is more helpful. If you need people to tell or people to help, we have your back. I'm happy to listen if you need it and help you find solutions, ok?"
A lump rose in Jess's throat and she tried not to cry. Sometimes her need for parents that she could rely on could crush her throat with grief. Naima, Jason, Ray, and even Scott sometimes (although he usually felt more like an uncle or an decently older brother) all showed her a life that could have been. Sure, she wasn't stupid enough to believe they were perfect parents and that they didn't have their flaws, but they tried their best at all times, and that was more than she could say for her own parents these days.
"It's a long story to get into right now, but…maybe sometime?" Jess accepted quietly, rubbing at her eyes.
"You got it, kid. Go back to sleep, try not to worry about anything. We'll talk later, ok?"
"Ok!" Jess snuggled down into her pillow and, in a moment of 'weakness', sleepily pretended that Jason was actually her dad and taking care of her in a way she hadn't been since before her parents split. "Night night."
"Sweet dreams, Jess."
Jess tried not to latch on too tightly to that softer, lulling and tender goodnight. He wasn't her father to reach for like that, but she sure wished he was.
Two weeks to the end of deployment.
"Jess! Your bagel is on fire!" Pauline yelled.
"Ahhhh not again!" Jess came flying down the stairs. "I keep forgetting that stupid dial doesn't work anymore!"
"AND you left the cupboard doors open again!"
"Sorry."
Jess's phone dinged and she saw a new Instagram reel from Zoe. The girl was laying on the little couch they had in the kitchen, tacking away on her phone with a little smirk. Frowning, Jess looked at it.
~"Reason 206 that I think my housemate has undiagnosed ADHD: This…cupboards doors just…open. All of them."~
"Stop making me a science experiment!" Jess whined, slamming her phone down and fishing her smoking bagel out of the half broken toaster oven. "I'm just tired!"
"No. This isn't 'tired Jess', this is 'all the time Jess'" Pauline told her, pointing her spoon at her as she filled the coffee maker. "And it's really annoying!"
"Who peed in your cornflakes?" Jess mumbled.
"That date of hers didn't go well last night," Zoe told her from the couch.
"No! Your damn dog woke me up!"
"Ok! Well, what do you want me to do about that? She's a puppy!"
"One that I didn't sign up to live with, that's for sure! You just brought it home one day!"
"Ok! Guys!? Please, not today!?" Jess put her hands down on the counter. A headache was coming on and her stomach felt weird. "I just…I can't today, ok? We're all stressed with the end of sem coming up and other stuff, so let's just dig in for another week or two and figure out these other issues later, ok? Please?"
"Fine." Pauline snapped. "I'm going to work. Could you maybe do your dishes?"
Jess sighed and nodded. "Yeah, I got it."
She walked around the kitchen a few times, trying to orient her brain and squash that spaced out feeling she always got whenever people were in conflict around her. Finally she put on music and started cleaning.
Trying to wash the dishes quickly got derailed into washing the sink because she couldn't wash dishes in a dirty sink. Then that turned into scrubbing down the counters, sweeping the floors, cleaning up cobwebs, washing the blankets from the couches in the living room, organizing the shoes in the hallway and then scrubbing the scuff marks of the walls.
Three hours later she looked up to see Zoe watching as she scrubbed around the toilet upstairs with an old toothbrush.
"So. You ever going to do your dishes?"
Jess blinked at her a few moments before saying, "Don't you dare post this as another example of why you think I have ADHD."
"Ok, but I genuinely think you might. I wrote four papers on ADHD in women last semester. You kinda fit the bill."
"Doesn't matter. I don't have time to be." Jess grumbled as she tossed the toothbrush back in the pail of cleaning supplies and threw that in the hall closet.
"Your phone got a couple notifications." Zoe tossed her phone to her. "Think it's your navy dudes."
"Thanks." Jess headed back down to the kitchen as she checked. There were two from Bravo today. Every few days one of them would send something, almost like they took turns making sure they still thought about her and cared. They were really way too nice to her.
One was from Clay.
~ Thought you might think this was cute.~
A picture went along with the short, sweet note. Sonny was passed out in a chair with Cerberus curled up like a baby in his arms and their heads were resting on each other's.
"Awwww!" Instantly Jess's low mood lifted and she smiled.
The second was from Trent.
It was the iconic Lord of the Rings meme about second breakfast, only he'd changed it to Sonny being Pippin and Strider as Jason and breakfast was changed to 'whiskey'.
A near hysterical laugh peeled from her lips and she hurried to answer them.
Clay got an adorable picture of the puppy all curled up on her back with her feet in the air and Trent got a Lord of the Rings meme in return, this time it was "One does not simply…live with Sonny Quinn for months".
Finally, because it was her habit after any of them sent her a message, she sent a universal message to them all saying, ~ My housemates are bullying me. Wanna scare the shit out of them for me? Haha. Jk. They just asked me to do my dishes and I keep getting distracted. Have a good day!~
She hit send. Put the phone down and started washing her dishes. About ten minutes later, after seriously considering what she'd just done, Jess snatched up the phone again and frantically typed, ~ I was 100% totally joking btw. Please do not scare the shit out of my friends. They might never forever me.~
Silence met her until late that night when she was almost asleep. Squinting, Jess read one from Scott. It was two words.
~ No promises.~
Jess swore softly and flopped back into her pillow. Then a giggle erupted at the idea of Pauline and Stacy in the middle of a spat and Bravo making them jump in the air. Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea. Could snap them out of whatever little social drama they were having and help them make amends.
One Week left.
~ Hey, wanna go for lunch?~
It was Emma.
Jess paused to consider as she hunched over her mound of work that she'd been trying and failing to focus on for hours. They hadn't hung out in a while, so Jess didn't really want to say no, even if she was stressed to the nines with how much work she still had before finals week next week.
~ Sure! When do you want to go? And the usual place?~
~ An hour? And yes please! I really love their pancakes.~
An hour and ten minutes later, because Jess had to run back in her house trying to find her keys, Emma and Jess were sitting across from each other at the little café they both adored.
"So then I hear your dad loud and clear saying, 'What the hell are you doing?' and Sonny like 'uh oh!'."
Emma started laughing harder. "Oh, my, gosh. I can't believe he drunk called you in the middle of the night! I remember he called dad once when he was plastered and asked if he could borrow some tea, and he paid for it weeks after!"
"Clay sent me this," Jess showed her the picture of Cerberus and Sonny.
Emma's eyes went soft and she said, "Awww! Yeah! I got that one too from dad! That is soooo cuteeee!"
Jess laughed as she paused to check an alert that had come through her phone. She frowned when she saw it was an email from the insurance company she'd been covered by since she was a child.
Heart starting to beat quicker, Jess opened it and read:
Jessica Barlowe,
This email is to inform you that you have been removed from the medical insurance plan of Ellen Whitlock. To set up coverage or discuss further options please schedule an appointment with-
Jess stopped truly reading after the first line. Staring and hardly breathing.
So her mom had finally done it. All those weeks of trying to appease the woman enough by answering the phone and taking her abuse just to keep the tiny piece of security that she was still reliant on her mother for and couldn't afford to take on right now just got flushed down the toilet. Worse still, Jess knew it was on purpose.
"Hey…are you ok?" Emma asked, watching her closely. "You don't seem ok…"
"Ah…" Jess tore her eyes from the email and looked around the room, a little dazed. Suddenly it was too loud in here. "No…not really. I think I need some air."
"Ok! You head out, I'll met you out there in a minute!"
"S-sure." Jess got up, numb and claustrophobic in the usually cozy little café. "I'll be outside."
Once outside, Jess walked to her truckie and leaned against the hood, staring at the dots of rust and peeling paint. It felt like a reflection of her.
"I-I can't do this anymore." Jess whispered, tear's starting roll off the end of her nose and splash onto the hood. "I don't know what to do…what am I going to do?! I can't…and she knows that! She knows it…and that's how she's going to catch me back again! Oh my god, what am I going to do?!"
Breathing starting to come in quicker and shorter gasps, Jess clenched her fingers into the hood, letting paint and dirt catch under her nails as she dug down. The pain was a release of sorts, but not enough.
"Hey! Jess?" Emma was next to her now, "I think you should sit down…come on! Sit! Sitsitsit!"
Somewhere in Emma's gentle tone Jess could vaguely hear Jason.
"Here. Just breathe. It's ok. Whatever it is, we'll figure it out!"
Breathe? OH!
Jess's breath rate was at a staccato pace now and she rocked on her heels with her back against the tree Emma had guided her to. Panic was overwhelming and her body was betraying her. She couldn't stop this train now that it was derailing and she could feel the pull of the spiral!
"Here. Take this."
Emma grabbed her hand and plopped something in her palm.
It was cold and wet.
"Wh-what?" Jess blinked at it as the slippering object started to melt through her fingers.
"What does that feel like?"
"I-it's cold and wet! What do you expect it to feel like?!" Jess said faintly as she stared at the ice cub in her palm.
"And how does it make your palm feel?"
"It's aching…no burning…"
"Keep holding it till you get numb."
"Why?"
"Because. It helps." Emma sat back on the grass and tilted her head at her. "How's that panic attack?"
Jess blinked twice before saying, "G-gone! Sort of…"
"Good. Now what's going on?"
Tears started to spill over again and Jess shook her head. "Nothing you can change. My mom just did something that I really don't need to deal with right now, but…it is what it is. I'll have to figure it out…sorry, I shouldn't have- I didn't mean to mess up our lunch. I should go back in and pay-"
"I already did. For both of us."
The simple gesture had Jess bursting into tears again and this time she buried her head in her knees. Emma's arms came around her a moment later and they sat like that for a while until Jess had calmed down again.
"I know you play things really close to the chest when it comes to your family, Jess, and I won't pry, but if we can help…we will. I know dad would, and Uncle Ray, Aunt Naima, Uncle Scott..,all of us!"
Jess wiped her face with her sleeve. "Thanks, Emma…really!…I just need to get through this week and next, finish my exams with high marks. Then I can deal with this. It is what it is now, and it will keep."
"Ok." Emma watched her with obvious pain and concern. "Well…we're here if you need us."
Inside, Emma prayed in gratitude that the return of Bravo team would be just in time. Jess needed them, even if she didn't realize it yet.