When Jess stumbled out of her room she was half asleep and undeniably cranky because she'd only just fallen asleep about thirty minutes before her alarm went off. The only thing keeping her short fuse from bursting was the fact that she didn't want Scott to know and feel worse if she found him awake.
Still. That didn't mean she wanted to talk to anyone, so when she walked into the kitchen and found both Scott and Trent she was tempted to call in sick to work and go back to bed.
The mental debate didn't last long. She needed the money though, and her favorite dog Luna would be there today, so she supposed it was worth it to go. She just needed to get past these two without incident.
The two men were leaning on the counters across from each other, drinking coffee and acting as if they hadn't just been having a tense, serious, hushed conversation.
Honestly Jess didn't even care right now. If anything, seeing them with coffee just made her feel more grumpy because with them in the kitchen there was no way she could steal some without them seeing and 'judging' her. She'd been doing well cutting it out of her diet the past month due to their harassment (mostly Scott's) and she'd put on a little weight again which was great, but still. She loved coffee. This was just adding insult to injury.
"Morning, sunshine," Trent greeted mildly, sipping his drink and testing the waters to see just how cranky she was.
"Morning," Jess mumbled, mostly ignoring both of them while fighting to keep her eyes open and opening the fridge, squinting from its obnoxiously bright light. She couldn't think straight. What was she looking for? Nevermind. Not hungry anyway. Just go to work. Eat later.
She closed the door again and started to walk away when suddenly a travel mug appeared right in front of her nose. It stopped her in her tracks and caused a brief little recoil as she figured out what it was. The lid flicked open, letting the sweet, earthing aroma of coffee and French vanilla reach her nose.
Perking up almost involuntarily, Jess peered at the travel mug. The contents smelt like a vanilla bean latte from her favorite coffee place. She only went a few times a week. It was her reward to herself for not drinking multiple cups of bad homemade coffee a day and the easiest way for her not to get the stink eye from Scott when she went to make coffee for herself. The only person, so far as she knew, that had found out was Clay because he also went to the same place. He promised not to tell…mostly. The shithead must have tattled on her, and right now she didn't care because that smell was heavenly.
Sniffing hopefully, Jess reached for it. "Is that what I think it is?"
The mug lifted out of her reach and she was forced to crane her head back to look at Scott reproachfully. For the moment he was mostly back to his usual 'unreadable, master of subtle expressions' self.
"You only get this, if you eat that." He rumbled neutrally.
Following his pointing finger, Jess found Trent holding a plate in front of her face next, complete with a cream cheese bagel, scrambled eggs, fruit and yogurt.
Huh. A latte and breakfast. Maybe waking up was worth it after all.
Suddenly she did want to eat, because food always tastes better when someone else makes it and it sure beat eating a protein bar later in the car before class.
"You have time to eat it all ," Scott told her, reminding her she was still standing, staring happily at the plate in her hands. "Your bag is already packed for work. You just need your school stuff."
Crankiness faded into the background and Jess said, "Wow, thank you!"
"Don't thank me." Scott growled, hinting at irritation with himself and not her, which reminded her of how the last hours had gone, bringing an uncomfortable twist to her gut.
Pulling a leaf from his book as she sat down, she brushed the feeling aside with humor and said lightly, "Well, I can't very well say, 'geez, this is the worst! How dare you give me caffeine and feed me at 5;30am?' now can I, because that wouldn't be true."
"Wow. Wish all I had to do was just smell coffee and have it wake me up." Trent commented with a snort. He and Scott exchanged an unseen look when Jess dipped her head to eat and Scott dug out his phone.
"Gotta make a few calls. Be back in a bit." And with that he went out the back door, leaving Jess and Trent alone. That was fine. Jess had been worried for a moment he was going to try and bring up what happened right away today, and she couldn't handle it this early. Not today. She was already uber emotional from dumb hormones this week.
Eyeing the travel mug on the counter and curious about Trent's presence so early in the morning as well as the abrupt departure of Scott but not wanting to pry, Jess asked instead, "So. Where'd the latte come from?"
"Nice try. You already know." Trent laughed, plucking it from the counter and bringing it to her.
Damn. They did know. Typical.
"How's you guys find out?" Jess asked, trying not to be mildly annoyed. "Did Clay rat me out?"
"Oh, yeah. Totally. Like the first morning he saw you there, but to be fair that time you didn't see him and he told all of us before you ever asked him to keep it a secret, so technically he didn't break your confidence."
"What a shithead! He's been letting me think none of you knew!" Jess whined. "I thought I was being so sneaky, finishing it in the car and dumping the evidence in the school trash instead of at home too!"
"Yeah, Metal thinks that's hilarious by the way." Trent laughed, sitting across from her and drinking more of his own coffee.
"Damn it. You guys are so mean."
"Hey! It got you caffeine this morning, didn't it?"
"This is true." Jess stole the cup and took a sip and savored the taste before she finished up the last of her food.
"We got ten minutes, so I'm gonna make this direct and quick." Trent got serious the second she was done, leaning forward on the table and studying her.
Crap. She knew there was a catch to all this.
"Ok?" Jess waited, willing herself not to cry because she was both overtired and definitely overly emotional because of PMS.
"How are you doing?"
"I have coffee, so I'm great!" Jess tried to deflect with false brightness, but Trent shook his head.
"No. Don't play that game right now. Scott told me what happened. How are you doing."
"Do we have to have this conversation now?"
"Kinda, yeah."
She waited for him to elaborate, but he didn't so she sighed and said truthfully with a hint of edginess in her voice, "I don't know. It wasn't the greatest night, and I'm worried about him, but I'm ok. Is…is he ok? Did I do something wrong?"
"What? No! The way he tells it, you handled it all like a champ. I just wanna make sure you're not still upset or scared or anything. Sounds like he got pretty drunk and I've seen him when he mixes meds and alcohol. He can be pretty scary when he gets mad." Trent rubbed his chin as he took a deep breath and shifted with subtle discomfort when his ribs expanded.
Narrowing her eyes, Jess folded her arms across her chest with her head tilted to the side, attention closing in on how he was sitting and the careful way he was breathing.
"You got hurt too, didn't you." She stated blandly.
The surprise on his face was comical and Trent spluttered, "How did- Nevermind. Not important. I'm fine. Just some sore ribs. Promise. Scott caught the worst of it. Everyone else is a little banged up too, but not like he was."
"Uh huh, good," Jess muttered, suddenly irritated again. "Because I'm not dumb, and I may not clue into a lot of things and you all joke about how 'observant' I am, but I do know when you guys are hiding being hurt and you can stop, because it's just plain insulting and you give me shit for lying about that sort of thing all the the time so-"
"All completely valid points. I'll bring it up with the guys. Promise. But right now you're doing a wonderful job of getting off topic. Answer my question."
"I am fine!" Jess snapped without meaning to. "I'm just tired, ok? I've faced worse than Scott being a drunk bear. Let it go!"
Trent backed off instantly and went back to his coffee with a soft 'don't bite my head off' tone.
"Ok."
Immediately Jess felt bad and she glanced at the clock. She still had ten minutes technically so she may as well fix this because otherwise she'd obsess over it all day.
"I'm sorry," Jess closed her eyes and rubbed her face with her palms.
"Don't be. Just…Jess, if something like that ever happens again, call me, ok?"
"Isn't that betraying his privacy?"
"No, because the dumbass and I have an agreement that we call each other when we're not doing so great, and I'm a little pissed that he didn't follow through with that last night." Trent's typically calm, unruffled tone took on a biting edge, making the irritation clear for a second.
"Oh." Jess glanced at the porch door. " Is he ok? He looked in really rough shape…in more ways than one."
"He's working through some stuff and yeah, he's pretty banged up, but he's ok. I checked. Promise."
"The stitches-"
"Already fixed them."
"Good." Jess hesitated and added, "What about where he got stabbed?"
"Oh, don't worry about that. It's not great, but it'll heal up quickly and the place it hit was basically miraculously perfect for not hitting anything important. Wasn't that deep and had a clean-" Trent broke off, noting the slightly disbelieving look on Jess's face. "Nevermind. All I'm saying is don't worry about it. And you need to go to work."
Jess looked at the clock. "I still have five minutes!"
The back door swung open and closed the second she said that and Scott gave her a look as he came in, saying, "What are you still doing here? You should have left three minutes ago."
"Have you even packed your school stuff yet?" Trent asked suddenly, head whipping round and looking for her backpack.
"Yes! And I don't need to be there twenty minutes early! Only ten."
"Jess, you need to factor in the number of times you come back here for stuff you forgot." Scott raised his eyebrows slightly, just daring her to tell him that never happened. "Get going, or you'll be late."
There was a sweet normality to him lecturing her, allowing Jess to pretend for now that nothing went down. He hadn't scared the crap out of her, she wasn't put face to face with the realities of his job being so dangerous and she wasn't fighting off the knot of fear in her chest. For now.
"Jess! Get your ass movin!"
"Alright, alright! Bossy pants." Jess muttered without malice, getting up and snagging her coffee up quickly because for a split second she had this feeling he was going to take it away from her just because he could in retaliation.
"Just cause I'm a little beat up does not mean I can't still get that cup from you." Scott promised as she headed for the door, proving her instincts right.
Whether it was the caffeine, the food, the lack of sleep, or all of them combined, Jess found herself giving a cocky little head jiggle as she smirked and said, "Just try it, old man."
"Old man?!" Scott went still, staring at her. A series of expressions crossed his face and for a hot second Jess thought he was actually about to come after her
"Really, Jess? You just had to go there!" Trent shook his head at her before pointing at Scott and saying, "Don't. Even. Think about it. If those stitches come out again, I can't put another set in again."
"Haha, sucker." Jess grinned with a victory dance as she put on her shoes, knowingly taunting Scott in good fun and using it to pretend nothing was wrong with her.
"Are you sure? She is really askin for it," Scott asked, fighting the smile pulling around his mouth and watching Jess like Cerberus primed and ready to go after something.
Recognizing the 'safety' she had with Trent there, Jess smiled with deliberate sweetness and silently went, 'cheers' with her travel mug as she hoisted her backpack up and grabbed the other back.
"Oh, shucks. Look at that time. I better get going. Thanks for the food and this wonderful, delightful mug of heaven. I will treasure it the whole day."
"You better." Scott growled. "It's the last one I'm gettin for you."
"Hey!" Jess mock pouted. "But, that's sad. This makes me so happy!"
"I bought it!" Trent said with scoff. "And if you don't get going, I'm going to confiscate it."
"Bye!" Jess was out the door before either of them could react further.
"Wow." Trent shook his head and nodded, staring at the door. "She really does push it to the edge-"
"Just wait for it." Scott grunted as he retrieved his half finished drink and eased down into a chair at the table.
Less than a minute later, Jess was bursting back into the house.
"Forgot my keys." She hooked them off the tray by the front door and dipped out again. "Bye!"
"How many times does that happen?" Trent asked when the door closed a second time.
"At least four times a week."
"She would never survive in the military."
"Oh. They would eat her for lunch. Gives me basic training PTS just watchin her flirt with time like that." Scott rubbed his scruffy chin and watched the door as if half expecting Jess to materialize again. "How'd she seem to you?"
"I don't know. She deflected my questions and wouldn't give a straight answer past a snarled, 'I'm fine'." Trent's mouth pulled into a firm line, indicating he was still pissed off at Scott. "She's still worried about you. That much was clear."
"Not scared though?"
" Of you? No. Don't think so. If she is, she's doing a good job hiding it. For you, on the other hand, yeah. Pretty sure she's scared. And she's tired."
"Maybe I should have driven her to-"
"Not on those meds, you shouldn't have." Trent said with a warning edge. "Where the hell is your head, man?! You haven't drank alone like that to numb stuff in a while, and you've hardly touched the hard stuff ever since Jess moved in. What's going on? Talk to me! Where are you?"
"Under half a building, holding a dead girl I was supposed to save who looks just like her when I close my eyes at night!" Metal snarled as he jabbed a finger at the front door. "That's where my head is. And I'm not medicated right now. I could have driven her."
"You're a dumbass." Trent got up and headed for the bottle on the counter. "Take your meds."
"Not yet. Need a clear head."
"Pain messes you up worse and they aren't just for that. There's an antibiotic here too and the anti-inflammatory isn't just for your comfort. Take them."
Folding his arms and setting his jaw into a stubborn frown, Scott stared at Trent darkly.
"You're just as bad as Jess, you know that?" Trent told him, unruffled by the death glare he was receiving. "And you know what else? If you don't take these, I'll call her. Right now. I'll tell her you aren't taking them when you should be, then I'll put her on speaker and how well do you think that'll go over for you?"
That death glare deepened and Metal's low voice rumbled dangerously, "You wouldn't."
"Try me." Trent answered, folding his arms placidly. "Then after that I'll call Jason and he'll hear the whole thing from me instead of you. Only instead of just hearing about how you lost your shit on Jess because you were a drunken idiot who had her patch you up instead of calling one of us, you'll be adding 'upsetting her at work when she's hardly had any sleep' to the list. Do you really want to deal with 'Papa Bear Jason' any more than you have to?"
"You're a blackmailing bastard." Metal snarled.
Trent smiled humorlessly. "Yeah. I really am. You gonna take this or not?"
"Give me the damn pills."
"Comin right up, buttercup."
Trent got the small drugstore into his palm and a glass of water. Metal took them a little aggressively and downed them, all the while boring holes into Trent.
"You're welcome," Trent said with undeniably smug satisfaction.
"Fuck you."
"Awww, that really cuts deep, buddy. So what's the plan then? You gonna tell the others?"
"Of course I'm tellin the others," Metal snapped, still pissed. "Why do you think I called them all? They'll be here in twenty. Gotta make sure something like this never happens again…with any of us. If she's gonna be part of our lives, we gotta…do better. Gotta learn from this."
"Good. I can check them all over too and make sure they haven't been going the same route as you," Trent bordered between tired sarcasm and scathing exasperation. "Probably have to threaten them too, bunch of infants."
"Yeah? And how are your ribs?" Metal challenged. "What was it? Two broken?"
"Breathing hurts like a bitch, thanks for asking! And for the record, I had a terrible night last night too. Not as bad as yours, but you aren't the only one who had to hold frightened kids as they died. Sonny and I were with the other two, just in case you forgot."
The anger around Metal softened and he sighed.
"Sorry."
"Damn straight, you better be. Sonny drunk called me from a stripclub while Brock and I were binge watching The Mandilorian. Probably good that Jess doesn't live with him. Would have been worse with him in other ways." Trent plopped himself on the couch and flicked on the TV. "Football?"
"Sure." Metal heaved himself up and moved to join him, stiffness in every joint making him feel way older than he should. Once he was settled next to Trent he couldn't help but ask, "What's Mandilorian?"
"Basically a Star Wars version of you."
"Thought I was the hairy Klingon..Wolf…was it? Or was it called a Wookie…GarGar Binks?"
Trent didn't even bite. "I know you're being a dick on purpose."
The tone was calmer again, hinting to Metal that Trent wasn't as pissed at him anymore and they could call their beef settled.
He'd say he was worried about telling the rest of them what went down, for Jess's sake, but he already knew how it would go.
Sonny would be pissed until he realized he would have done the same thing and probably really yelled at the poor girl, plus said all kinds of shit he didn't mean (number one reason Metal wanted to have this conversation). Jason would be an angry Papa Bear, but less so than if he wasn't told at all and found out some other way. Ray would likely pardon him more than he deserved. Clay would ask if anyone checked to see if Jess had been triggered by it about past experiences from her less than ideal childhood. And Brock. Well, he was a wild card. He could go both ways. Either livid, or calm as could be about it.
With luck they would all realize collectively the impact the last spin up had and at very least something good would come of it all. This was for Jess as much as it was for his team. He was never afraid to take one for the people he cared about.
When Jess got off work at 8:30am and headed for her car, she found Brock leaning against the hood of the little Honda.
"Hey!"
Brock smiled as she approached and Cerberus trotted up to her happily before giving her clothing a good smell. Jess could have sworn the pup gave her a look of betrayal when he smelt all the different dogs on her.
"Well, hi! What are you doing here?" Jess greeted in return after whispering to Cerb that she loved him best out of all the dogs she knew. The noble beast seemed to believe her because he licked her nose.
"I was in the area! Thought you might like one of these." Brock opened a box, revealing fresh baking from the same place she liked to get her coffee.
"Ohhhh," Stomach gurgling unhappily from the appetite she worked up despite eating earlier, Jess reached for one of the blueberry scones. "Yum! Thank you!"
Now that she was closer, she spotted the dark circles under Brock's eyes and the way he was watching her with poorly hidden worry. His face was scrapped up and so were the backs of his knuckles.
"Everything ok?" She asked between bites and pretending she didn't notice that he kept glancing at her.
"I don't know. Is it?" He asked in return. "Metal told us what happened."
"Oh for fuck sake!" Jess swore around the scone in her mouth, a habit she learned from Sonny, and turned her face to the sky. "Trent already played twenty questions! I'm fine! It wasn't a big deal! Scott's probably telling it all way worse than it actually was because I'm like, ninety percent sure he beats himself up worse than I beat myself up over things some days!"
"You sure about that? Because I know what he can get like. We all do. You should never have had to deal with that! He knew better."
"Brock, it was a walk in the park compared to what I used to deal with my mom and Harold, ok? He got sharp with me. He raised his voice a little. He barely yelled at me. It was nothing."
"Yeah?" Brock spoke carefully. "He also got up in your space and cut off your exit and he's pretty damn sure you thought he was gonna hit you."
Brushing that little reminder away in a hurry, Jess insisted, "I'm fine, Brock! I appreciate the concern. I love you for it, but I'm honestly ok. I need a good night's sleep, and…some other stuff that's not important right now."
"What other stuff?"
Mortified that she let that last addition slip out and blaming sleep deprivation and coffee, Jess dug out her keys.
"Nothing! I have to go to school. Thank you for checking on me, and for the scone."
"Jess-" Brock stopped her with a hand on her elbow, clearly upset, which wasn't like him. "What other stuff?!"
Of all of them, Brock was the hardest to get mad at and even though Jess's temper flared to the point of wanting to snap at him just like she had Trent, Jess held back. Not only that, little bells went off in her brain that she needed to be nice to him right now. Whatever happened that last spin up must have affected more of them than just Scott.
Heaving an exasperated sigh because she knew he wouldn't leave it alone, Jess hissed, "I'm due for my period, ok!? Which means I've got no end of emotions, cravings, bloating, acne, constipation and premenstrual cramping through my lower back which is a huge pain in the ass, alright? See? Nothing life altering! Nothing to do with Scott. Happy!?"
Blinking, Brock lifted his head, surprised by the sudden floor of information.
Jess was just as stunned by her lack of filter and went red, wanting to sink into the ground until Brock relaxed into his normal, calm, mild-mannered self and nodded with a small, understanding smile.
"Oh. Ok, fair enough. Do you need anything? Chocolate?"
"No. Actually, yes, but I already ate a whole tray of brownies so no."
Leaning down, Brock hugged her.
"See ya, Jess. Reach out if you want to talk about anything, hey? Doesn't have to be about today."
"I know," Jess smiled a little as she pulled away and opened her car door. She paused before closing it, a little unsure but genuine "And…if you're looking to get out of your own head…go for a hike or whatever…you know where to find me."
That got her a bigger smile from the dog handler and he said, "Oh, I always know where to find my favorite hiking buddy to take her up on that offer. Have a good day, Jess."
"I will!" Jess told him confidently, even though she wasn't convinced she would. Her head was starting to pound and the cramps were getting worse. She was pretty sure she was going to get that lovely womanly time soon and it was the last thing she needed on top of all this.
Jason was sitting in the upper row of her lecture hall when she got up to leave her last class that afternoon. She knew she should probably have a healthy dose of concern that he knew where to find her on campus, but she'd given up being weirded out by that kind of thing long ago.
She knew this wasn't Jason just 'happening by' and more than Brock just 'happened' to be in the area when she finished work.
"Here we go again." She muttered, climbing the stairs towards him. Cranky because her back was aching terribly now and she'd gotten her time of the month, Jess approached him grumbling, "I'm fine. Why aren't you checking in on Scott instead? He's the one who needs it even if he's got to much of a big, egotistical, super hero complex to see it!"
"Wow." Jason put a hand on his hip and rubbed his day old scruff. "What a way to greet someone. Nice to see you too, Jess! My day's going really well, thanks for asking! No, I haven't had lunch yet and I'd love to join your wonderful company."
The dry, sarcastic 'dad' tone was enough to knock Jess down a peg without really trying.
"Sorry," She mumbled, hating the way her abdomen clenched and squeezed and she couldn't just lay on the ground and cry about it because society expected her to just keep going despite the pain. "Nice to see you, how's your day. Have you had lunch. Why are you checking in on me?"
"I'm not 'checking in on you'." Jason denied with a hint of irritation. "I'm stealing you for lunch, now do you wanna come or not?"
"Not if you're gonna be grumpy!" Jess muttered, shifting and trying to convince herself that she didn't need advil yet.
Something about her words made Jason freeze and he sighed.
"Right. Alright. Sorry. I'm not mad. Just tired. Come for lunch?"
The word 'no' hovered around Jess's lips because she desperately just wanted to go home, have a hot shower, grab a heating pack and crawl into bed for the next two days to be miserable in peace.
"Alright." She said instead, because the man had this air about him that gave Jess the impression this could well be more for him and not her. "Lunch sounds great."
"Good. How do tocco's sound?"
The very word made her nauseous. She honestly didn't want food right now and it must have shown because Jason backtracked quickly.
"Ok. Scratch that. No tocco's. What are you hungry for?"
"Soup." The words came automatically. "Hot soup. And tea."
Jason didn't seem thrilled, but he hid that behind squinting at her.
"You feeling ok?"
"I'm good." Jess started up the lecture hall stairs slowly, holding the front of her backpack straps so the weight wasn't on her lower back so much. Gosh she was so tired.
"You sure?" Jason hooked her bag from her back, easing the burden as he skipped up the steps beside her. "You look kinda pale."
That wave of exhaustion hit her harder and Jess stopped all together.
Misery set in and the next words tumbled out with unbridled fatigue.
"I actually really just need to go home." Tears threatened to crept out when Jess felt Jason's hand rest on her shoulder.
"Jess…what's goin on? Are you getting sick?"
"No. Not sick." The 'dad' tone coaxed out the truth. The fact he had a daughter made her feel slightly more comfortable telling him. "Just…girl stuff. Know it's super lame but…just really kicks my ass and I wanna go lay down."
"Gottcha." Jason's arm came around her shoulders and he walked her out of the hall. "Let's get you home."
By the time they got to the parking lot Jess was wishing she had taken an advil. Typically things weren't this bad each month, but occasionally the cramps were just…awful.
"Can you drive?" She whispered, walking way slower than she normally did, movements stiff and uncomfortable.
"Oh, there's no way I'm letting you get behind the wheel of a car right now. Not with how bad of shape you're in."
"I'm such a wuss." Jess whimpered, both embarrassed and grateful that she didn't have to try driving home right now.
"Knock it off. No you aren't." Jason opened the passenger door to his truck and waited for her to get in before closing it again. When he started the engine, he reached over and flicked on her seat heater.
"Thank you." Jess mumbled, tears starting against her will as she leaned her head against the window and drank in the coolness of the glass.
"Hey…remember I have another daughter. I got educated pretty darn quick by Emma when this stuff started with her."
The gentle, cocky words drove into Jess and her brain latched onto the use of 'another daughter'. They went quiet for a while and Jess watched the sunny world flick past out the window, enjoying the sweet relief the heat of the seat gave her.
"How was class?" Jason asked.
"Fine. Couldn't really concentrate for the last one. Just wanted to go home."
"Fair enough." Jason went quiet for a bit before saying. "Look, Jess…about what happened with Metal-"
"Can we not?!
"No."
"Please? I am so friggin miserable right now! Why can't this wait?"
"As proud as I am of the fact you're voicing your opinions here, we gotta deal with this now."
"What is there to deal with!?" Jess cried with frustration. "Why are you all making such a huge deal!? I'm not the one who needs…back up! I'm not dumb! I know Scott wasn't doing good. I could see it…and feel it in the…air. Why the hell aren't you checking in with him instead!?"
"Scotty has his brothers, just like he always does. You don't need to worry about him."
"So what, is this is you telling me to back off and that I shouldn't have-"
"No!" Jason frowned at her, annoyance tugging at his mouth. "Would you let me talk?"
Cowed by the fact she couldn't handle it if he got mad at her, Jess went quiet.
"I was going to say that if that ever happens again, or if you're ever worried about him, call me. Call Trent or Ray. Hell, call any one of us. Neither of you is alone in dealing with this kind of shit, and unfortunately, after a bad spin up…we can all get a little…off…but no one, least of all Scott, wants you in that position again."
"Did I handle it that badly?"
"For fu- It has nothing to do with how you handled it, Jess! It's got everything to do with you not being in a situation where you're not sure if someone's gonna take a swing at you."
"Scott wouldn't do that," Jess snapped, suddenly angry and on the defense for her biggest brother.
"I know that. But do you?"
"Yes!"
"Look me in the eye and say it then."
"You're driving. You should have your eyes on the road."
"Don't be a smartass. Answer the question!"
"I'm fine, Jason! For crying out loud, it's not like I didn't go through ten times worse when I lived with my mom, ok?" The thought of her mother and the burst of anger freed a little place in her mind, flooding it with emotions. "You wanna know what a 'small' disagreement looked like with them? Screaming matches. Mom would get so unhinged she would literally scream in my face, like a caged animal barely in control. She would follow me if I tried to walk away and get more mad to the point of breaking shit. I learned really quickly that my only option was to wait it out and take whatever blame she was putting on me. I got so used to it that I used to do this thing where I could just…mentally slip out of my body and then it was like it was happening to someone else. And that was just my mom!"
Jess scrubbed at her face, not noticing the expression on Jason's face as she plowed on. "Harold, well, Harold liked to be a bully. He took every opportunity to remind me that I'm weaker than a man without actually ever touching me. When he got mad, he'd-"
The sudden image flashed into her mind of a man stepping into her space, a heavy scent of rum in the air, looming over her with a hand raised for a backhanded swing and Jess trailed off. She swallowed the sudden lump of panic that had been there last night too.
That was Harold. Not Scott. Harold. Scott would never hit her.
Aware that Jason had parked on the road outside the house and was staring at her now with way too much emotion, Jess finished off with a calmer, "Anyway. He would yell all sorts of abuse at me if I really pissed him off. Lots of swearing, called me a bitch a lot...other demeaning names, stuff like that. Not important. My point is, Scott's grumpy, drunk ass has got nothing on them. I know I'm safe with him. I'm fine. Ok?"
"Ok." Jason said simply, tapping his index finger on the steering wheel. He seemed like he had so much more he wanted to say and didn't know how to say it. "Come on. Let's get you inside."
Before Jess could get far, Jason was stopping her just at the back of his truck box.
"Jess…" He lifted an arm straight out, motioning with his hand. "Get in here."
She didn't protest, letting him guide her into his chest with a hand on the back of her head. Jason had the best dad hugs and unlike with her own father, the comfort of them wasn't complicated by the bitter sense that she'd been let down one too many times by the man holding her.
"You know you're safe with all of us, right?" Jason asked, his voice strained a little as he rested his chin on the top of her head.
"Yes."
"Good. You call next time something goes down. Got it?"
"Ok."
Misery started to clench at her body again now that the seat heater wasn't chasing it away and Jess let Jason take her bag again as they went up the walkway to the house.
"Just to warn you, Scott's gonna wanna talk too."
"I figured." Jess groaned.
"Don't blame him for the rest of us mother henning you. He told us to leave you alone."
"You guys really don't listen, do you."
"Nah. We really don't. We're all off the next few days, if you need anything. You'll probably see us around."
"Good." Jess muttered, remembering Trent mentioned that they all got banged up in some way or another. Spying the way Jason was limping, she guessed he'd done something to his knee or ankle.
When she got inside Trent was just leaving and Scott was watching football.
The two pairs of sharp eyes that traveled over her the second she stepped in the door took in a lot of information.
"You ok?" Scott asked neutrally, hiding the worried glance at Jason.
"Yeah." Jess mumbled, another wave of exhaustion hitting her. She looked up at Jason and remembered to thank him, so she heard herself say, "Thanks for driving me home, dad."
Silence followed for a heartbeat as she and Jason stared at each other. In the background Trent grinned widely and Scott snorted with a smile.
The moment the last word left her mouth and she realized what she'd said, Jess clapped a hand over her mouth and gasped, "I'm so sorry- I didn't mean to-"
"Jess, come here," Jason laughed suddenly, breaking the unspoken tension in the air between him and Scott as the other men joined in. He dragged her into another hug. "It's ok. You're basically my kid now, so I think you've gained the right to use that title. And you're welcome. Now go take advil or whatever. You look like shit."
"Geez, thanks." Jess tried to sound offended to cover up the irritating urge to burst into tears just because Jason had confirmed yet again that she was his daughter now and she could call him dad if she wanted.
As she dragged herself to her room to drop her stuff, she only just overheard the quiet words behind her answering the unspoken questions from Scott and Trent.
"Girl stuff." Jason murmured, drawing a soft 'Ah' from one or both of the others.
"My one sister, Gabby, used to get flattened for a few days sometimes." Trent said softly as he headed for the door. "Poor kid. Got any cinnamon tea? My mom swears by it and used to have me make it for the girls when they felt like shit."
"Nah. Don't think so." Scott rumbled softly.
"I'll go get some." Trent volunteered.
"No, I'll do it. Go get some rest." Jason ordered.
"Make sure it's organic. Oh. And get her-"
The conversation was blocked out as Jess crossed into the bathroom and closed the door, shaking her head with crushing, humble gratitude. Of course they were going to try and fix her misery instead of paying attention to their own discomfort and pain. The whole bunch of them were impossible.
She wasn't worth this fuss. This wouldn't kill her. Why the hell weren't they looking after themselves and each other instead? Why couldn't she just suck it up and take care of them rather than whine about her own discomfort? They could have died this week! She didn't even know how close it was, or how they got hurt, or how many other close calls there had been in the past that she never knew about, or how many more there would be. Why couldn't they get their priorities straight!? They were more important right now than her stupid cramps!
Tears ached for a proper release after Jess turned on the ceiling fan. She forced herself into the shower before she let go and sat down on the floor, sobbing silently.
She stayed there for a good thirty minutes before the water went cold, chasing her out again to dry off and get dressed in comfy clothes.
There was a long debate as Jess lay curled up in the fetal position on her bed before she decided that maybe she didn't want to be alone after all. In the background she thought she could just make out the sound of a TV show instead of sports. After a moment or two of listening closer she ventured out to see if Scott really was watching Falcon and the Winter Soldier.
He was and, now that Trent and Jason were gone, Jess figured it was safe to risk joining him. Maybe he would leave stuff alone and they could just exist in the same room like they did most of the time.
"Feeling any better?" Scott asked when she appeared, tossing a throw pillow next to him on the couch, providing an invitation for Jess to curl up near him like she normally did. She didn't even register that it was always an intentional gesture on his part as she flopped down with her head on the pillow. The top of her head brushed up against him, but she didn't notice and he didn't say anything.
"I'm ok." Jess told him, eyes on the TV as she reached blindly behind her for her favorite blanket. Scott used to only have one, but Jess added three to the mix. She still preferred his to her own. "You?"
"Sore, but I'll live." Scott grunted, grabbing the 'right' blanket for her when she couldn't reach and flicking it over her. "You hungry?"
"No. Are you?"
"No."
Silence fell for a while as Sam and Bucky argued like an old married couple. Jess loved this series. Bucky reminded her of Scott in so many ways and it was funny.
After a few minutes, Scott eased to his feet and snagged up the heat pack he'd had on his back.
"Want yours heated up?" He asked gruffly on his way past, meaning her own pack that she kept in the bathroom cupboard.
Blinking, Jess moved to get up, "Yeah, I'll go get it-"
"Already got it."
"Oh! Thank you!"
"Uh huh." Scott threw his pack in the microwave along with hers from where it was sitting on the counter.
"I should be doing that." Jess mumbled guiltily.
"Why?" Scott growled as he got a drink of water.
Jess answered haltingly. "Because I didn't get beat up. Or stabbed…and you did."
"Yeah well, this doesn't happen to me once a month, so it's fine." Scott started rifling through his 'drug store' cupboard. "Have you been taking those iron supplements the doc told you to take ages ago?"
"No. I mean…sometimes. I just forget about them." Jess heard a soft, incoherent grumble behind her and the rattle of a bottle. She tried to soften the truth with, "But, I have been eating more spinach!"
"Three leaves of spinach on your wrap a few times a week doesn't count as eating more spinach."
"Hey!" Jess protested, looking at the ceiling and listening intently for any hint that this wasn't just fun banter. "I put it in smoothies too!"
" You put it in smoothies?" Scott challenged, the gruff growl taking on a lighter note now.
Jess relaxed into the pillow with a sigh.
"Fine. No. I drink it in smoothies when you make me one."
Smug, Scott grabbed the hot packs from the microwave, two glasses of water and headed back to the couch. "Yeah. That sounds more like it."
"I'm still taking in more iron than I did before!" Jess insisted.
Scott dropped her warmed bean bag on her head, making her jerk up from the pillow.
"Hey!" She whined, sitting up part way.
"Take this." He ordered, not the least bit sorry and smirking just a little at her indignant frown.
Jess peered at his palm and saw an iron supplement.
"Fine." She grumbled, taking it from him and the water.
While she did that, Scott lowered himself back to the couch gingerly, moving the pillow so it was still close against him when she put her head back down.
"How was work?" Scott asked when the credits started to roll and they waited for the next episode.
"Well," Jess burrowed under the blanket and tucked it under her chin, this time aware that her head was resting against Scott a little as well as the pillow. "I pulled a plastic bag out of a dog's ass today and another one puked up a condom so I feel like it was one of those days."
Scott made a face. "Sounds pleasant."
"Oh, it gets better!" Jess turned over so she could see his next reaction. "Then this great Dane had projectile diarrhea all over the floor."
"Oooohhh." Scott actually cringed then, which was hard to get him to do. Must have been the meds.
"And then…our resident poop roller, Mac? Have I told you about him?"
"Oh no…this is about to go where I think it's going, isn't it."
"Oh, yes. He rolled in it before I could stop him. Like…it was coming out this dog's butt and he was just walking behind rolling. There is something wrong with that animal."
"Wow. I don't even know what to do with that."
"Yup. And then this border collie tried to herd a doodle all morning because he thought it was a sheep and not another dog." Jess giggled a little at that one before sobering and finishing with, "To top it all off I had to break up a scrap because this one male dog kept being super rude and humping his friends. He didn't take a hint, which pissed them off and it started a fight."
"Yeah. I'd probably start a fight too if one my friends were tryin that." Scott commented, smirking at the face Jess pulled before pausing and adding, "Scrap, huh?"
"Yeah. Like a noisy squabble between-"
"I know what a scrap is. Don't they vet these dogs before they come in?"
"Well yeah, but dogs are like kids. They don't all get along all the time and shit happens no matter how well you manage the group, plus there are behaviors that can develop with time that we have to train out of them and try to keep from happening in the first place."
Leaning to the side so he could adjust the hot pack on his neck, Scot shot her a look, "And how exactly do you break up a scrap."
Getting the feeling he was testing her, Jess shrugged, "Don't go for the collar. If they don't let up when you yell at them, grab one by the haunches, lift, and wheelbarrow them backwards. With luck you have a partner who can grab the other dog."
"And if you don't."
"Toss the one you grabbed the opposite way, then grab the other if they're coming after him and toss him the other way. Repeat as necessary until you can get one of them out and hope none of the other dogs get involved? I don't know. I haven't had to break up many by myself and they don't happen that offend, especially with great group management, which I have been told I have. Usually it only happens with the young, high energy breeds first thing in the morning if daycare is the only exercise they get in the day. Too much pent up energy."
"High energy breeds?"
"Domerman. Border collie. Aussie. Doodles…depends on those. Some are nuts, others are wonderful. Oh! And basically any shepherd. Terriers. The Irish wolfhound is fun to get hold of if she gets too wound up. She's like a little horse."
"Huh." Scott grunted, not saying anything more for a while.
When Jess's phone buzzed she checked it.
It was Jeremy, so she answered.
Scott noticed.
"How's all that going?" He asked, shifting and resting an arm across the back of the couch gingerly.
"Fine. He's making more of an effort than he has in years. I mean…I'm not convinced he's turned over a new leaf, but he's not trying to get me to call mom anymore and actually asks how I'm doing now…I guess it's a win."
"Just remember you don't owe him anything." Scott's growl darkened and Jess instantly got the image of a wolf warning away danger. Jess smiled at that because he really would make a great wolf.
"I know." Jess tossed her phone back on the coffee table and sighed. "It's just surface stuff. Nothing personal or whatever."
"What does he do again?"
"Freelancing. Cyber security. We don't talk about it much, but he says if he's in town he wants to get dinner sometime. We'll see if that ever happens."
Going quiet once more, they let themselves get distracted by the show. Half-way through the second episode, Scott dropped his arm from the back of the couch and it settled half on her shoulder with his hand resting on her head.
"Sorry. Gotta sit like this for a bit. Can't keep my arm up there anymore." He muttered as he readjusted the pack a third time to the other side of his neck.
"Doesn't bother me," Jess answered, truthfully. The sudden contact eased whatever tension she'd been holding in her body and her breathing grew deeper and relaxed.
About five minutes later, Scott almost absentmindedly started messing with her hair, drawing her bangs back from her face with slow, methodical sweeps and letting it trail out of his light grip again. Jess's eyes fluttered within two minutes and she fought to stay awake because it was only four in the afternoon.
"How you doing with stuff from last night?" Scott asked the question quietly and was almost casual, like he wasn't diving into a difficult conversation while playing with her hair and watching TV with her.
Only then did Jess register what the sneaky man had done. He'd put the pillow next to him on purpose. Got her the hot pack so she was warm, cozy and in minimal pain. Then he'd started messing with her hair on purpose because by this point the whole lot of them knew her biggest weakness was physical contact and having her head touched with the nail in the coffin. She was basically a needy golden retriever most days if cuddles were being offered.
"You can't just do that." Jess whined.
"Do what, pipsqueak?" Scott grumbled, feigning innocence in a way that only he could. Gruff and grumpy with the barest note of 'what did I do?' that betrayed him.
"Break down all my defenses with love and affection and then ask questions."
"I have no idea what you're talkin about! I'm not affectionate and we're just sittin here!"
"You're messing with my hair! You know I'll spill my guts now!"
"Is that what this does?" Scott asked, pretending more obviously that he was baffled as he pushed her hair back again with his palm. "I had no idea."
"You're terrible." Jess sighed, not moving or fighting the slackening of tension in her shoulders.
"Can you answer the question, please?"
"Wow. I even get a please. You must be serious."
"Jess."
"Sorry." Jess went quiet, staring at the screen and not really watching because now her mind was back in the bathroom with Scott drunk and pissed off at her. How could she even answer the question? She had no idea how she was doing with everything that happened!
"You gonna talk to me or do I have to use a different interrogation method," His dark sense of humor surfaced with that joke even as he kept brushing her hair way from her forehead.
"I'm ok," Jess told him in a small voice, mentally clinging to the present moment so her voice wouldn't shake and he would believe her when she told him most of the truth. "Just…I don't really have an answer, because…I just don't…I don't think I've processed yet."
"Ok. Can I ask a different question then?"
"Fine." Jess's answer lacked enthusiasm, but she had continued human contact, she at the moment she figured it was a fair exchange.
"I need to know if you thought I was going to hurt you…when I got mad."
"Scott, I'm fine! You weren't that scary!" Jess blurted the words automatically, the same line she'd used all day only with more intentional deflection. Tension had instantly returned to her body, twice as bad as before. "I told Brock. I told Trent. I told Jason. Now I'll tell you. I am fine! "
"Ok, so now I know for sure you aren't and we absolutely need to talk."
"What do you want me to tell you!?" Jess's voice rose into the space between them with frustration.
Scott paused the movement of his palm on her forehead to gently pull her head back and to the side so they could make eye contact saying, "The truth would be nice."
The second she looked him in the eye and found the steady, loving and understanding brother she'd grown to adore instead of the angry, broke man from last night, Jess broke.
"I'm fine." She repeated, whispering this time and closing her eyes. Tears leaked out into her ears and she shudder with the softest sob.
"Jess…we both know you aren't fine," Scott stated in the gentlest of tones, like he was trying to put her back together without losing control of himself in the process. Jess could sense the anger under the surface. Whether at her or at himself she wasn't entirely sure, but the learning, rational part of her knew it was probably at himself.
"Neither are you!" Jess cried, almost accusingly.
"No." Scott's tone sharpened ever so slightly, but the hand still resting on her forehead didn't increase pressure. "You're right. I'm not really great either, but this isn't about me right now!"
"Well why does it have to be about me!"
"Because I scared the shit out of you last night and I need to make sure you're ok!" The words came through grit teeth now and Jess tensed. Scott felt it and he drew a long, calming breath before growling, "Did you, or did you not, think I was gonna hurt you when I got into your space."
Hands coming up to cover her face and getting stopped by the palm still resting there, Jess sobbed, "No! I don't know! I…I didn't…I kept telling myself you wouldn't…"
"I sense a 'but' there." Scott prompted quietly.
"No! There is no 'but'," Denial of what the whole moment had dragged up dug in harder as Jess finally opened her eyes again and forced herself to meet his gaze, still crying earnestly, "You weren't gonna hurt me! Even drunk and pissed off, you wouldn't! You're not-"
Cutting herself off, Jess winced as a stronger image of Harold moving in to smack the wall next to her when she ducked flashed through her mind.
"This is about Harold, isn't it."
"No!" Jess whimpered, gasping in some air as she started to lose control. "Nonononono! Scott!? Please don't think I'm comparing you to him! You're nothing like him! I know I'm safe with you I just…my stupid head and then when…when you got mad…it just…it was just in my head…because the bastard used to purposely remind me of how small and weak I am and- ! It wasn't you! It was just my stupid head remembering shit! Please, don't think I'm scared of you!"
"Pips, shhh…take a breath." Scott soothed, his palm suddenly moving her hair back again as he shifted so he could see her face better. "I get it and I've got a better idea than you think about the head doing stuff you don't want it to. It's ok."
"I'm sorry!" She mewed, curling onto her side and burying her face in the pillow.
"Pipsqueak…get over here." A hand pulled on her shoulder and Jess knew what he meant.
"No. You're all beat up! I'll hurt you."
"You're not gonna hurt me." Scott hooked a hand under her armpit this time and pulled harder with more gentle strength than she'd expected given how beat up he was in her mind. "Come on. Up you get."
Relenting mostly because she desperately did want a hug and the tired note that slipped into Scott's voice suggested he might also need one, Jess sat up and moved so he could pull her into his chest.
"Don't pull your stitches." Jess warned brokenly.
"I won't."
"I know you'd never-" Jess started to sob harder again, "I just…you…you were drunk and…I didn't know what to do and I was useless and then you were hurt and I couldn't help properly and I didn't even think of calling anyone because I thought you'd get more mad!"
The arms around her locked in with a tender squeeze.
"First off, I am so…unbelievably sorry that I put you in that situation, pips. It'll never happen again. I promise. Second, you were a rock star and handled my stupid ass like a pro. Thirdly, I know you don't think I'm that son a bitch, Harold. I'm just really pissed off with myself that you had to relive memories because of me, even for a second."
"No! It's not your fault!"
"Jess…it is my fault. I got drunk. I put you in that situation. I am at fault here."
"But I don't want it to be your fault!" Jess wailed, knowing full well she wasn't making any sense and sounded like a child.
"Kid, you need to let me take ownership of my own actions."
"But you're going to beat yourself up over it and I don't want you to because…because you're already hurting and if you beat yourself up over my reaction then it's my fault that your-"
"That is the most twisted logic I have ever heard." Scott's growling words cut her off sharply, vibrating in his chest under her ear. "Knock it off. You cannot control how I feel , nor are you responsible for the way I deal with this. It's not your job."
"I just don't want you to hurt more!"
"I appreciate that, but I'm also a grown ass man and I can take care of my own shit. It's not on you, ok? You don't get to carry my load and I never want you to."
"But I want to help." Jess sobbed.
"You do. Trust me."
Hiccuping, Jess went quiet and focused on the heartbeat and calmer breathing of her brother. She didn't really believe him that she helped, but his steady logic reined in her emotional meltdown and she calmed down.
"For the record, you are right." Scott said in a low voice. "Doesn't matter how drunk I am or how mad I get, I will not hurt you."
"Drinking can alter personalities." Jess whispered, finally voicing the one thought that had truly frightened her last night.
"Mine doesn't alter. It gets augmented, different aspects depending on what I drink, but I've been black out drunk enough times to tell you, based off the stories when I couldn't remember, my personality stays the same and I won't hurt you." Snorting with that dark humor again, Scott added, "Now, if you're a middle aged man who beats women…I can't promise anything."
"Do…do you get black out drunk?"
"Not anymore. Used to. Years ago." Scott considered the question for a moment. "I was drunk last night, but not that drunk, Jess."
"Just checking."
"I know. And I'm just tellin." Pausing again, Scott drew a breath and Jess sensed another question coming. "Do you still feel safe living here?"
"Yes."
"You gonna call one of the others if something like that ever happens again?"
"Probably."
"That answer better be 'yes', pipsqueak."
"Fine. Yes."
"Thank you. We're not done with all this, but I just heard Jason's truck, so we better wrap things up for now. He's already pissed off at me enough without finding you crying."
"Sorry!"
"Jess, I'm teasing."
"Oh."
"Talk to me if there's anything else we didn't cover yet, got it?"
"Ok."
They both knew it was 50/50 if she would or not, but neither had the energy left to argue over it. They also both knew this wasn't over yet.