A/N: Do you realize that with a single typo you could won Chuck?
Not too canony. Actually, not canony in the slightest. (Thanks, David Carner and Steampunk Chuckster for coining a new word.)
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"Hi, Chuck," Malena said with a pretty smile.
Chuck looked at her, at Yuri with the still smoking weapon in his huge hand, and at the three dead bodies on the floor. It had all happened so fast. He made no attempt to hide his shock, and would probably not have been able to do so if he tried.
"Malena..." She waited for him to continue. He looked around the room again and finally said, "Are you the police?"
She laughed. Yuri chuckled, which sounded a little like rocks rolling around in the bottom of a deep cave. "No, Chuck, not the police," she said.
"CIA?"
"No. I'm sorry to tell you this, Chuck, but I'm not one of the good guys," she said with a remorseful shake of her head.
"I don't understand. You just saved my life. You're absolutely a good guy," said Chuck. "These assholes were going to kill me...they didn't even have the right guy...they were looking for some Spanish guy...they were still going to kill me...and you saved me, you both did. Thank you."
"Chuck, I didn't come here to save you. I came here to kill them. And now that you've seen my face, I have to kill you too."
"WHAT? NO! WHY? YOU JUST SAVED ME. I don't understand, Malena. Why? I'm on your side. Why would you have to kill me?"
"Chuck, I can't have people who've seen my face live. What I do..."
"Malena," Chuck tried to raise his hands in a 'stop' gesture, but bound to the chair he did no more than sort of flap them. "Malena, please stop talking...please stop...please." When it was clear that she had stopped he said, "Ok, I understand secrecy...I really do...so here's the thing...You have really nice teeth..." She frowned and looked a little puzzled, but allowed him to continue. "Really nice. They are straight and really, really white. You could be a model or an actress if you wanted to be. And this is Los Angeles...Hollywood... everyone here has nice teeth...but even by those standards, your teeth are really nice... You didn't kill your dentist, did you? ...Right, of course not...See? People get to see your face and live. Your dentist is still alive. Why is your dentist still alive? Because he doesn't know your secret. Or she.. Your dentist could be a woman...So, here's the thing...you are really scary," She looked at him with a surprised frown. "Not bad scary...scary like an Amazon ...or a valkyrie...scary like a woman warrior...not scary like a lunatic psychopath who's gonna shoot up an elementary school...you can't kill everyone who's seen your face...the bartender downstairs saw your face...everybody who watched you try to teach me the tango saw your face...you can't kill everyone who saw your face...it would be insane...if you really couldn't let anyone see your face and live, you could never leave your house and that would really suck...so, the thing is...you have a secret ...and I get that, I really do..so, if someone sees your face AND knows your secret you have to kill them..Ok, fine...a little odd, but fine...here's the thing...I don't know the secret...I made you stop talking so you wouldn't tell me the secret, even by accident...because I really, really don't want to know the secret cause then you would have to kill me and I hate that idea. So, since I don't know your secret and you are not going to tell me the secret, you don't have to kill me." She looked pensive, but Yuri was nodding along slowly. Chuck continued, "Malena, even Yuri agrees with me. It makes sense, right?" he asked Yuri, with desperation in his voice. Yuri made a face and gave a shrug which, combined, meant 'yeah, Chuck makes some sense here'. "See, he agrees. You don't have to kill me. You'll leave here and never see me again and all I will remember is that you and Yuri saved my life."
She looked like she was thinking very hard about what Chuck had said. Finally, she said, "Well, you did say some nice things about me to these cabrones."
"You heard that?"
"Yes," she said. She went to pick up one of the tuxedo jackets lying on the couch. It was evidently not the one she wanted. Chuck's was the second one she tried. She ran her hand along the shoulder of the jacket and removed what looked like a needle. She held it up to him and said, "Transmitter. I put it on your jacket while we were dancing. Just in case."
He gave her a goofy grin that made his nose wrinkle and said, "Well, then I'm glad I only said nice things about you...about you both."
She smiled at him while he looked at her with pleading puppy dog eyes. Finally, she stepped forward and kissed him hard on his bloody lips and whispered into his ear, "If we hadn't been interrupted, you would have gotten laid tonight."
She stood up and wiped his blood from her lips with the back of her hand. He looked suitably stunned. Turning to Yuri, she said, "Sanitize him," she pointed to the clone, "Then cut Chuck loose and meet me at the car."
"Right," said Yuri.
She turned to Chuck, "Bye, Chuck."
"Bye, Malena. And thank you for saving my life and then not killing me yourself."
She smiled slightly and left the hotel suite.
Yuri quickly went through the clone's pockets and removed anything that might be used to identify the man. When he was done, he took out a knife and cut the plastic ties binding Chuck to the chair. Chuck stood up rubbing his wrists.
"Yuri," said Chuck with a serious tone, "I've never had anyone save my life before...I...I...I mean," Chuck almost had tears in his eyes. "You did it twice...once by killing these assholes and once by supporting me and convincing Malena not to kill me...twice you did it...I mean, I've just met you...we aren't even really friends yet...and I know you have to leave soon...you told me you were here on a short business trip...It's just...I don't know how to thank you, Yuri...I can't thank you...I can never thank you enough...I don't have much money...but, I...hey, you know? Here, take my watch...It's a really nice watch...Please take it. I want you to have it...please."
"Oh, Chuck, that is not necessary...You are a good man...I'm happy you get to live...I can't take your watch...a watch is special to a man..."
"No, Yuri...this is ok...it's a nice watch...my brother gave it to me...he stole a crate of them. There are boxes of them in his closet someplace, I think. I can talk to my brother and get a new watch tomorrow. Please take this one." Chuck took the watch off his wrist and began to strap it to Yuri's wrist. "And please, Yuri, when you look at it, please remember that it's from your friend Chuck and that he thanks you for his life."
Yuri looked a little teary eyed himself. "Ok, Chuck. OK, I will." Chuck reached out and wrapped the bigger man in a huge hug.
"Thank you, Yuri. Thank you."
Yuri broke the hug, and said, "Take care of yourself, Chuck."
"You too, Yuri. You too."
Yuri left the hotel suite. Chuck cleaned up a little and then he left as well.
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"Shit, Chuck is on the move. He's leaving the hotel," said Sarah looking at her phone.
"Why hasn't the moron been answering the phone? You must have called him five times in the last half hour," said Casey. They hadn't been worried about Chuck until they realized he wasn't returning their calls. Then their imaginations took off and all kinds of terrible scenarios started to come to mind. Now, like parents scared for a child, they were slightly frantic.
The phone in her hand rang, "Chuck, where have you been? Are you ok? Where are you going?"
"I'm ok. I'm ok. Please pick me up behind the hotel. The service entrance, please."
"But you are on the move. You aren't at the hotel anymore."
"Yeah. I am. The back of the hotel, please. I promise, I'll explain when you get here."
"Ok. There soon."
"Thanks. Bye."
Casey drove to the hotel at ludicrously illegal speeds. Fifteen minutes later the Crown Vic pulled into the parking lot behind the hotel with a screech of tires. Sarah saw Chuck in the shadows near the service entrance of the hotel and directed Casey towards him.
As the car got closer, Sarah saw the damage to his face and drew a sharp breath. He held a blood-stained towel to his face. His lip was swollen and cut, but no longer bleeding. His right eye was pretty much shut. The left side of his face was also somewhat swollen. Blood had run down and stained the front of his tuxedo shirt. As the car drew up, she was about to leap from it before it had even come to a stop when they saw his arm motions. He waved to them and then, in a rather exaggerated manner, put a finger to his lips. Making eye contact, he did the same exaggerated movement a second time, requesting silence. They got out of the car without saying a word and walked to him. He held up his phone. Written on the screen was CHECK ME FOR BUGS. Casey made an OK gesture, took a small device from the car and began to wave it around Chuck.
Meanwhile, Sarah's hands went to his face. She moved the towel aside, realizing it was filled with ice, and lightly ran her fingers over his cuts and bruises assessing the damage. She thought, 'Oh God, he's hurt, oh God.' She felt a deep emotional pain in her own chest. It was almost a physical pain, it hurt her so much. She had to hold back tears. Her fingers shook slightly.
Casey said, "Clear." Dropping the monitor into his pocket, he stepped forward.
Sarah was now voicing her thoughts, "Oh, God, Chuck. You're hurt.."
"I'm ok. I'm ok, Sarah," he said.
Gently, Casey moved her aside. "I got this. I got this. Sarah, I got this. It's ok. I got this." The use of her first name startled her enough that she moved back a step and let Casey examine Chuck.
Chuck was saying, "I'm ok, guys. I'm ok."
Casey said, "Come here. Into the light." They moved a couple of steps. Casey looked his face over. "Did you lose consciousness?" Chuck shook his head no. "Ok, good. Any teeth loose?" Chuck ran his tongue around his mouth and again shook his head no. "Right, again good." Casey was examining the damage to Chuck's face.
"Anywhere else? Just the face?"
"Yup, just the face."
Sarah had taken a couple of deep breaths and calmed herself down. 'What is wrong with me?' she thought. 'Calm down. Carina took that beating in Miami, I was fine. I helped her just fine. Hell, when Bryce got slashed in the knife fight in Oslo, I stitched him up myself. I was fine. Cool, calm and collected. Here, I freak out.' She put the question aside to deal with another day.
Casey said, "Dizzy?"
"Nope."
"Double vision? Blurry? Ringing in the ears?"
"Nope, none of that."
"Nausea?"
"Nope."
"Ok," said Casey. "Doesn't sound like a concussion. We'll keep an eye on you tomorrow, though. Put the ice back on." Chuck did so.
"Ok," said Chuck. "So, here's what..."
"Who did this?" asked Sarah, with fury in her voice.
"Harris and Renny. But listen..."
"I'm going to kill them. I'm going to actually kill them," said Sarah.
"No, listen to me..." said Chuck.
"No, Chuck, this time..." said Sarah.
"Sarah, they're already dead. Just listen..." he said.
"Dead? Who killed them?" asked Sarah.
"La Ciudad's bodyguards. But listen, let me tell..."
Casey said, "La Ciudad. You ID'ed him? Is he still..."
"Guys, please. Please, just let me tell you what happened. If I tell it chronologically, it will make more sense. I promise all your questions will be answered. Please."
"Ok," said Casey. "Let's sit." They got into the car. Sarah and Casey in front and Chuck behind. Casey and Sarah twisted around to face Chuck in the back.
"So, after you left, I hung around the bar for a while. I got into a conversation with a guy about a rock band we both like. The guy's name is Yuri Gobrienko." Sarah and Casey exchanged a look, but did not interrupt. "Turns out, he was there as a bodyguard to a woman named Malena. I don't know her last name. But I flashed on her. She is La Ciudad."
"La Ciudad is a woman? Godammit," said Casey.
"Shit. I know, right? Duh. We should have known. 'Cuidad' is a feminine noun in Spanish. That's why "la" instead of "el". Shit. It was right there all along," said Sarah. "Describe her, Chuck."
"Our age or so," he said, waggling a finger between him and Sarah. "Couple of inches shorter than you. Very pretty. Brunette. Brown eyes. Hair down to here," he put a horizontal hand a few inches below his shoulder. "No tattoos or anything I saw, but a scar on the left side of her neck. That's what I flashed on. Spanish or Latin American accent, but her English is fluent. Intelligent. Charming, but carries herself with a formidable air, like a successful business woman might."
"Ok, Chuck. Go on. What happened next?" said Sarah, reaching back to touch his arm.
"Right, so Malena and I were talking and looking at the paintings up for auction. I knew I had to get away from her to call you, so eventually I excused myself to go to the men's room. On my way there, Harris and Renny ambushed me with some electric stun gun thing...that hurts like hell, by the way," Casey nodded. "...And took me upstairs to a suite. They had seen me talking to Yuri and decided I was La Ciudad."
"Idiots," said Casey.
"Yeah, I know. Anyway, they were punching me in the face and asking questions when La Cuidad and her bodyguards, Yuri and a clone of Yuri, showed up."
"How did they find you?" asked Sarah.
"That's why I had you check me for bugs a minute ago. She had planted a transmitter on me when she was teaching me to tango at the party."
"She was teaching you to tango? What do you mean she was teaching you to tango?" asked Sarah. She didn't sound happy.
"She was. At the party."
"And you were...learning to tango from her? From La Ciudad? You were learning to tango? You were dancing with her?"
"Well, just one song..umm, piece. Just one piece of music. Then I went to go pee, but really to call you..."
Sarah twisted to look straight ahead and crossed her arms over her chest. She realized that she was really pissed off, and then she was immediately shocked at her own reaction. She was angry at Chuck for getting tango lessons from La Ciudad and furious with the woman. But, on previous missions, before she'd ever met Chuck, Bryce had had sex with marks to get information or access and she couldn't have cared less. Chuck gets a lesson in tango from someone...someone he describes as a pretty brunette...and she finds herself totally in a knot. What the hell? She didn't understand it, but there was no denying it, she was pissed off. Why did she have a different reaction for Bryce and Chuck? She'd have to think about that some more, but now wasn't the time or place.
"Well, I didn't like it. I didn't enjoy it, Sarah. I was afraid she was going to kill me the whole time," said Chuck.
Chuckling, Casey said, "I think seduction missions are in your future, Bartowski. Think you'd be pretty good at that. You're a natural. What do you think, Walker? Is he a natural? We can get him to seduce all the women bad guys we come across...oooh, a pun..."
"Shut up, Casey. Just shut up," said Sarah. She knew she had no right to be angry, but she was.
Still chuckling, Casey said, "Ok, what happened next?"
"Renny, Harris and the clone were all killed in the gun fight. You know silenced pistols don't sound like on TV?"
"Did you get the suite number?" asked Casey. Chuck gave him a look. "Fine, Bartowski, fine. What is it?"
"1543"
"Thank you. Hold on." Casey used his phone to order the cleaners to the room to take care of the bodies. "Ok, go on. So now you are in a room with La Ciudad and Yuri. Why aren't you dead?"
"I talked her out of killing me."
"You what?" asked Sarah, incredulously.
"I convinced her I didn't know her secret and she had no need to kill people who had seen her face but didn't know her secret. I mean, really. The whole 'kill-anyone-who-has-seen-my-face' thing is totally insane if you think about it for just a few seconds. Yuri agreed with me." Casey burst out laughing. "So, she left after deciding not to kill me..." Chuck continued.
"Wait, just wait a second," said Casey still laughing. "Give me time to enjoy this. La Ciudad, one of the most dangerous people on the planet. Kills everybody she meets...and you talk her out of it? You just talk her out of it...Oh, my God, Bartowski...Oh, my God...He talks her out of it, Walker...Oh, my God.. Freaking priceless. I wish there was somebody I could tell. ... Graham and Beckman...Oh, I have to share this right away...it's just too good. I have to call them the moment I get home.."
"Very funny, Casey. But, where is she now, Chuck?" said Sarah, apparently still pissed about the tango lesson.
"She's in the wind again..." said Casey.
"Yeah, but we have a description now. We'll have to get it out before she leaves the country," said Sarah.
"Uh, guys. It might not be that complicated. To thank him for saving my life, I gave Yuri my watch."
Both Casey and Sarah just stared at him for several seconds. Then Casey said, "You planted a tracker on La Ciudad's bodyguard?"
"Yeah."
Casey banged the back of the seat he was sitting on with his fist. "OUTSTANDING WORK, BARTOWSKI. OUTSTANDING," bellowed Casey with an enormous grin. "This just gets better and better."
Despite her anger, Sarah found herself smiling again, "That's awesome, Chuck. Well done."
"Thanks, guys. Ummm, what do we do now?"
"Well, we'll alert the good guys. We'll have a squad prepared to pick up Malena and Yuri in the morning. In the meantime, Sarah will take you home and put you to bed. A little TLC. You had a hell of a night and should get some rest."
"Actually, Casey, it's my turn to do the paperwork. Sorry, Chuck. Two dead MI-6 agents. There's gonna be a ton of paperwork. I'll stay for the cleaners. You take Chuck back to Echo Park. And don't' wait breakfast for me in the morning. I'll probably go right from here to the Wienerlicious. Goodnight, Casey." As she got out of the car, Chuck got out of the back seat to move to the front seat. Standing next to the car, Sarah gave him a nice kiss and said, "Goodnight, Chuck. You did a really good job tonight. I'm proud of you."
"You're not mad at me that she tried to teach me the tango?"
"No. Of course, not. That would be silly. Goodnight. See you tomorrow," she said. She was still mad that Malena tried to teach him the tango.
Casey pulled away and headed out to the highway back to Burbank.
"She's still mad about the tango, isn't she?"
"Probably," said Casey. "She'll get over it. You didn't do anything wrong." He thought for a while and said, "Bet she takes it out on this Malena lady. How much you want to bet she blew us off to make sure she's on the team that goes to pick her up in the morning?"
"Makes sense...I really didn't enjoy being with her...I was scared the whole time," said Chuck.
"Of course, you were. You're not an idiot."
"Even though you always call me moron?" asked Chuck with a smile.
"It's a term of affection, Moron," growled Casey.
They drove in silence for a while then Casey asked, "Did you stick with the Carmichael alias with Harris and Renny?"
"No. I told the truth about my name and the Buy More. Told them I crashed the party to meet girls. The way I figured it, they were MI-6 and the Carmichael alias tied me in to you and Sarah."
"Good decision under the circumstances. The only problem is, now Malena knows your real name."
"Naw. She did anyway. Guy at the party from Stanford recognized me and approached us as I was talking with her. I told her I was changing my name to Carmichael because it sounded cooler." He chuckled. "Mr. Gobrienko disagreed. He preferred Bartowski."
Casey laughed. "How'd you get him to take the watch?"
"You saved my life and I can never repay you. The watch is not a big deal, my brother stole a crate of them and I'll have a new one from him in the morning."
"Where'd you come up with that?"
"I don't know. It just popped into my head."
Casey reached out and squeezed Chuck's arm. "You did good tonight, Chuck. I'm proud of you."
"Thanks, Casey."
"How do you feel?"
"My face aches, but not as much as I thought."
"You'll have two black eyes, but that's normal. Take tylenol tonight, not aspirin. That would just make the bruising worse. Oh, hell, talk to Ellie and Awesome. You've got the best medical care around right in your apartment."
"What will I tell them?"
"How about you fell down the stairs and landed on your face?"
He chuckled a little and said, "Yeah. That sounds like me."
They arrived at Echo Park and said their goodnights in the courtyard.
"You know, if Sarah were here, she'd tuck me in under the covers," said Chuck with a small smile.
Casey took a step towards Chuck's apartment and said, "Sure, let's go."
Chuck laughed and held up his hands, "So not necessary, but thanks for the willingness to engage."
"See you in the morning, Bartowski. What's for breakfast?"
"Spinach and mushroom frittata," said Chuck.
"Nice... G'night."
"Night."
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Chuck was just putting on his Nerd Herd shirt the next morning when he heard Ellie yell, "Chuck. You've got friends here."
"Be right out," he yelled back.
Slightly early for breakfast, but there was probably a reason. Friends. Plural. So, Sarah had made it after all. Good. He smiled to himself. He'd missed her last night. He had seen three men shot and killed in front of him, and insomnia and bad dreams had given him a pretty bad night's sleep. It would have been nice to just hold her. Maybe she could tell him something to make the memories easier to digest. Hopefully, she wouldn't still be mad at him tonight.
He came out to find Ellie still standing by the door in her blue scrubs with a huge smile and...
"Hi, Chuck," Malena said with a pretty smile.
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AN2: As usual, thanks for reviews and PMs. You guys are the best. I do not frequent any other portions of this site, but I would find it hard to believe that there's a better group of folks out there than the Chuck fans right here. Thanks, guys.
Discussions with my friends Zettel and Sudhanva08 influenced this chapter and my sincere thanks to both of them for their patience, guidance and wisdom.