In the back alleys of Tokyo sat a wooden shack that looked to be on the brink of collapse, and yet most of the house's occupants were far from dour as they enjoyed their first meal of the day.
"It's so good to have you two back home! It feels like old times, and having some help with the bills sure don't hurt either!" A large bespectacled man with graying hair was sitting in his underwear, scarfing down as much of his wife's cooking as he could. He was Barazō, the father of Mako Mankanshoku and patriarch of the Mankanshoku household. "Mataro, why don't you help with the bills too? Where's this month's rent, and last month's, and month before that's? You're old enough to get a job, so get one!"
"I ain't got time for normie jobs, I'm too busy working on schemes to hit it big! Just you wait, we're gonna be rolling in dough." Mako's younger brother was just as voracious as his father. He was a scrawny man who wore a cheap suit. "This guy I met online told me that if I buy in early for-"
"The last time you bought into some scam, it was you who got scammed! We had to sell half the house to make up for the losses! Also half your organs."
"Trust me, I'm tight with the guy setting this whole scam up."
"That's what you said last time!"
"Oh, quit fighting, you two. Mako and Ryūko are back after so long, they don't want to hear you two argue." The silver haired woman who spoke was Sukuyo, the mother of Mako and Mataro. She scooped a plentiful helping of rice into a bowl. "Here you go, sweetie."
"Thanks, mom!" Mako took the bowl and inhaled its contents.
"Ryūko, would you like some more too?"
"No, thank you." Ryūko sat at the table with her laptop, scrolling through multiple different employment websites for any job listings she wanted to apply to. Well, whether she wanted to do any of the jobs was the least of her issues given she didn't have any chance of getting most of them anyway. "Why do these companies list jobs as entry level in the title, but then the requirements say you need multiple years of experience in the field? That isn't entry level."
"Don't worry, you'll find the right job eventually." Mako's positivity didn't make Ryūko feel better, in fact, it was starting to make her feel worse.
"I don't even know what the right job is. No matter how hard I think or how much research I do, I can't even find a type of job that I'd be able to get, be good at, enjoy doing, and make decent money doing." The series of walls that had to be scaled made job hunting a despair-inducing affair that left Ryūko with her forehead on the table.
"See, getting a job is impossible, so there's no reason for me to bother." Mataro snickered, and then Mako hit him upside the head. While Mataro was incapacitated, the Mankanshoku family's wrinkly old pug, Guts, began digging into Mataro's meal.
"Maybe you should take a break. Can't go driving yourself crazy," Barazō said.
"But I have nothing else to do. I feel guilty whenever I'm not doing something to try and get a new job." Ryūko rolled her head from side to side on the table. "It's either look for jobs, or sit around with my thumb up my ass."
"Ryūko, when's the next time you can take your pills?" Mako's question referred to the medication Ryūko had been prescribed by her psychiatrist to help with her depression and other mental hang-ups, of which there were too many to list. While Mako certainly asked that question out of concern for Ryūko's mental state, the depressed woman couldn't help but partially interpret Mako's question as an implication that Ryūko was being bothersome due to her current despairing, and that she'd be more tolerable if she was medicated. Ryūko knew that wasn't what Mako meant to imply, and Mako probably didn't even feel Ryūko was being annoying at all, but that didn't stop Ryūko from feeling a sting that made her wince.
"I already took my morning pills, so it'll be a while before I can take them again."
"How have those pills been working for ya?" Mako's dad continued to stuff his face.
"They've helped a little, but not a whole lot. Same with talking to the psychiatrist. It's doing what it's supposed to, but the progress is so slow," Ryūko droned.
"Slow and steady wins the race. As long as you're patient, things will work out." Mako's mom was as positive as Mako herself, and just like with Mako, the optimism only made Ryūko more upset.
"I don't have time for slow and steady. If I don't get my shit in order soon, then we're gonna have a problem. It won't matter if I get my dream job if my mental bullshit makes me unable to do it without having a breakdown."
There was no direct response to that. Instead, everyone continued with breakfast, bantering as usual. What else could they do? It wasn't like they could provide anything that could help Ryūko at this point.
"Oh! I gotta go to work!" Mako began bouncing around the room so fast it looked like she was in multiple places at once. She kissed Ryūko on the cheek before zooming out the door, her voice trailing behind her body. "I'll be back! Love you!"
"She really never changes." While the comment Mako's mother made was meant to be nice, it bothered Ryūko.
"Mako hasn't changed. I've changed. Is it good that I changed? Would it have been better if I hadn't? Have I changed? Why is this bothering me? Because I wish nothing had changed. I wish we were back at school. I'm jealous of Mako. Why didn't she change? What's different between her and me? We both went through the same experiences, so why can Mako move on when I can't? I should ask Mako. Will I remember to ask by the time she gets back home, or will I be too busy feeling sorry for myself at that point?"
Suddenly, Ryūko snapped back to reality. For the last half hour, she had been staring at her laptop screen, not actually applying to any jobs. She hadn't even been scrolling.
Ryūko felt disgusted with herself. She was slacking. Why couldn't she just focus? Did she have ADHD? Yet another thing to ask her psychiatrist about. There was always some new problem to talk about.
Despite attempting to refocus and continue job hunting online, Ryūko's mind kept wandering. As soon as she began reading a new job listing, she'd latch on to some small detail which would be the catalyst for a mental tangent that would burn away several minutes. Then, upon realizing she had gotten distracted, Ryūko would wallow in guilt for another few minutes before attempting to get back on track. This cycle repeated for an hour and a half.
"I can't." Ryūko rubbed her face. "I can't do this. Why can't I do this?"
Ryūko accepted she was wasting time and shut her laptop. She needed a break, even if taking one made her feel like she was being lazy.
"I'm gonna take a nap." Ryūko crawled over to her futon and lied down over the covers.
"Okay, Ryūko. We'll make sure to be quiet," Sukuyo said while scrubbing some clothes. That made Ryūko remember the first time Senketsu got cleaned. At first he was freaking out, but then he changed his tune when he started getting ironed.
"I miss you, Senketsu." Ryūko set a timer for thirty minutes on her phone before placing it right next to her head.
When Ryūko closed her eyes, she felt her mind get immediately pulled into sleep. She hadn't been sleeping well lately due to her anxiety.
The dreamland Ryūko ended up in was a replica of Honnōji Academy at night, back before it was destroyed. Ryūko's body, back in its teenaged form, was wrapped in Life Fibers, almost none of her appearance beneath showing through. Those threads stretched down to the school, attaching to the courtyard where Ryūko would have fights every day, and to the top of the tall tower where Satsuki would often perch herself. It was thanks to those tethers that Ryūko didn't fall upward into the starless night sky.
Ryūko looked at her own body from the outside, as if she were looking at a different person.
It didn't take a genius to decipher the symbolic meaning of this dream.
All Ryūko felt was frustration. This dream wasn't telling her anything new; all it did was rub in just how much Ryūko couldn't stop thinking about the same few things.
Ryūko wanted to punch herself, but she couldn't, for she had no body. Instead she just stared daggers at her tied up form.
"Why can't I just get my shit together and move on? Why?" Ryūko's voice was a deep rasp. "I'm so stupid! What's my problem? Why can't I just figure out how to fix this? Why can't I fix myself?"
"Are you broken?"
That voice.
Ryūko's thoughts froze.
"Senketsu?" Ryūko couldn't see Senketsu, but that was his voice that had spoken just a moment ago.
"I'm just a dream, but I'm here."
"Why? I never dream of you. I'm too ashamed to."
"And what do you have to be ashamed about?"
"I haven't been wearing cute clothes like I promised you I would. I've been too busy with working and failing to sort my shit out. This isn't what you wanted me to be." Ryūko kept staring at her bound self.
"I just wanted you to be happy, to move on from me and do your best."
"But I haven't done that, any of that, I've just been miserable, and stuck in the past, and lazy, and I've been making my problems into other people's problems, and I'm just shit!"
"I understand you're upset, but blaming yourself like this doesn't achieve anything. You need to accept that you're in the situation you're in, and then focus on doing what you can to fix things."
"I've tried doing that, but I can't even manage to look for a job without my mind wandering back to this fucking school! Over and over this stupid school keeps appearing in my head, because it was the one place where I felt alive! I wanna be alive! I'm a piece of shit who wants to be alive, even if it ruins the lives of those around me!"
"If that were the case, then you would have abandoned Mako a long time ago. The fact that you feel guilty about these thoughts you have proves you are self-aware and want to improve, and you're putting in the effort. You just need to be patient and accept things as they are. You have to accept yourself."
"I know! You think I don't know! I got all that, but it's a lot easier said than done! This is so fucking annoying! I know what I gotta do, and I'm trying to do it, but I can't for some reason! I know I gotta move on from the past! I know I gotta accept what my life is! I know I gotta just do what I can to fix things! I know I gotta stop rejecting myself! I fucking know! But I just can't! Why? Why? What's getting in the way? Can I just not do it? Do I not want to? Am I hoping somehow things will just go back to how they used to be? Am I crazy? Is that it? Have I finally gone crazy? Maybe that's it. I'm just too far gone."
The school below grew larger, as did the night sky above.
"Ryūko, I know that everything you're dealing with feels like so much, and it is, but it isn't too much. All you need to do is be patient and take everything one step at a time. It's okay if progress is slow, it's okay if it takes years. There's no end goal, and though that means there's no point where you can finally stop, that also means there's no limit to how much you can improve yourself. You can always become even better."
"Can I? How? Nothing I'm doing is working?"
"It is working, the progress is just slow."
"But I need to get better now! I have to get a new job, otherwise I'll be a burden on Mako! She doesn't deserve to suffer because of me!"
"All you can do is the best you can. If Mako truly loves you and accepts you, then she'll stand by you through this. If not, then you simply aren't meant for each other, or perhaps it would be better to say that you wouldn't be ready for each other yet."
"But I need Mako! I can't get through this on my own! Mako's the only reason I haven't given up!"
"You want to be with Mako, because she's your rock, but you also don't want to be with her, because you might cause her pain."
"Yes."
The school and the night were both getting closer.
Ryūko waited for the imagined Senketsu's response, the answer to her impossible problem.
What would the solution be?
"I can't give you a magic answer to your problems, Ryūko. In the end, there is no answer other than doing the best you can. Your battle is one you'll have to fight for the rest of your life. You'll be faced with impossible choices repeatedly. That's how life is. You know that, because I'm you."
That wasn't what Ryūko wanted to hear, but she knew Senketsu spoke the truth, and she didn't like it.
"Can't I pretend in my dreams that everything will fix itself? Can't I even do that?"
Ryūko was crushed between the school and the sky.
She opened her eyes. She was awake. Her body felt stiff. Her head turned to her phone which hadn't gone off. It wasn't her alarm that returned Ryūko to consciousness; she woke up naturally.
At first Ryūko thought she had woken up before her alarm had gone off, but then looked out a window and saw the darkness of night. It had been morning when Ryūko went to sleep. She grabbed her phone and checked the alarm she thought she had set.
She had misclicked, accidentally leaving the alarm off.
She had slept through the whole day. Instead of spending her time looking for jobs, or working on her mental health through meditation, or doing anything productive, Ryūko had slept.
"Fuck!" Ryūko rose to her feet so fast that she became dizzy.
"Are you okay?" Mako's father said as he stuffed his mouth with croquettes.
"Ryūko, you're awake! We're having dinner! I bet you're hungry!" Mako waved at her beloved Ryūko who was currently less than a foot away. The Mankanshoku family was having dinner. A portion of food had been set aside for Ryūko, said food being within a locked metal cage so nobody would steal it. "Mom made-"
"Why didn't any of you wake me?" Ryūko yelled and everyone's attention left the food.
"You looked like you needed the rest, honestly." Mako's mother said as she placed her hand on her cheek. "We know you haven't been sleeping well lately, so we figured you needed to catch up."
"You can't focus without sleep. Trust me, I'm a doctor." Mako's father said.
"But I need to keep job hunting! I was gonna go door to door to some businesses today and ask if they had any openings! Now I'll have to do it tomorrow!" The beating of Ryūko's heart became so loud she could hear it.
"What's the big deal? You missed one day, it ain't the end of the world." Mataro kept on eating.
"But I need to find a job! I can't waste time!"
"Ryūko, you don't need to rush. The point is for you to find a job you'd be happy doing, not quickly find any job you can." Mako's facial features drooped down.
"But we need more money! We can't live like we are right now forever!" Ryūko's breathing became irregular.
"Yeah, but we have time. Rushing into a new job will just lead to the same problems you had as a security guard." Mako shot to her feet, a smile returning to her face. "How about we go out somewhere tomorrow? We'll take your mind off of things! Then you can return to job hunting completely refreshed!"
"Mako, I don't have time! I need to make up for sleeping through today!"
"But you need to relax." Mako sweated a bit before bouncing back to full cheeriness. "Listen, we can spend the whole day together tomorrow and consider it a date! We haven't gone on a date in a long time! Come on, Ryūko, it'll be fun!"
"I don't need to have fun, I need to get a job and get my shit together!"
"You will, but you just gotta be patient! Everything will work out eventually, just-"
"Stop saying things will work out!" Ryūko screamed at the very top of her lungs. Mako froze in place, her expression becoming dour. Everyone was silent. "Quit being so positive! It isn't helping! Let me be upset! Let me be frustrated! The situation we're in is shit and it's because of me! Am I just supposed to forget that? Am I supposed to not care? Just-I don't-I don't-I-I don't know, this just sucks! Everything is terrible and it's my fault, and yet you're acting like everything's fine! It's making me feel like I'm crazy! I'm sitting around, going crazy, and everyone around me is acting normal! I feel like I'm completely alone! I-I-I don't know what to do, and you're not helping! All you're doing is making me feel worse! You're making me miserable! You're making me hate everything! So, stop telling me things are gonna be okay, because they're not! We're fucked!"
Ryūko only stopped her ranting because she was completely out of breath. Her body hunched forward, her eyes closed as she recovered from her outburst. The only sound was her own wheezing and the thumping of her heart.
Nobody said anything. The silence dragged on and on. Ryūko didn't look up, or even open her eyes.
A sniffle.
"I'm sorry." Mako said in a quavering voice. "I'll leave you alone."
Ryūko peeled open her eyes only to see a teardrop hit the tatami. She shot her head upward to see Mako's face, but she had already turned away.
Mako sped out of the room, whimpering out another 'I'm sorry' before she was gone.
Her mother chased after her. Mataro, Barazō, and Guts sat in stunned silence.
Ryūko wanted to run after Mako, but her legs wouldn't move. Even if she did go to Mako, she'd have no idea of what to say.
It stayed quiet in the Mankanshoku household for the rest of the night, and the morning after.