Sarah came to, unsurprised to find herself in the hospital wing again. How could they consider her a threat when she spent half of her time passed out cold? It was pathetic and sad, but it was her current reality. And she dealt with reality instead of railing against it and crying that it all wasn't fair. Maybe it was fair. Maybe this was how the Force chose to punish her for her shortcomings...death was too clean. Death was too elegant. Breaking her down into this, now that was a punishment. If she didn't have Carth, if she didn't have Mission and Dustil and Bastila, the quickest, easiest, cleanest, best way to handle this would be to simply walk off of the side of the Temple. That was a long, long way down and the ferrocrete terrace below the Temple seemed particularly unforgiving. But she did have Carth, and as usual, she would hold herself together the best she could. For him. Because he deserved it.
"I know you're here, Vandar." Yes, she could sense him. And she could sense her counsel. Probably not the best combination to wake up to, she'd prefer Carth any day of the week. "I'm fine."
"No, you are not." He shuffled over to her bedside, hopping up onto a vantage point so that he could see her. "You cannot make it through this by trying to put up a good front. You cannot Revan your way through this, Sarah. You have to be honest, you have people depending you still."
Of course. But it was easier to lie, cheat and kill for people who depended on her. Honesty, especially now, was a murky and confusing thing to have to rely on. Is this why you did this to me? Were they going to guilt trip the Council here into releasing her? Could she be tried over crimes she truly didn't remember committing?
"Honesty. Hey, I'm Sarah. Well, actually I'm Jedi General Amasri Idarn, the Revanchist, but I don't remember that...much...so just call me Sarah?"
He chuckled, patting her shoulder. "Yes, Sarah. Something like that."
"The truth will mean throwing you to the wolves." He was guilty as well. If she shifted blame, then he'd be carrying part of it himself.
"Then we face the wolves together, Sarah. I do not shirk my responsibilities in what has happened. I am your only surviving master. I played a part in this. I just wish..."
Or maybe you don't. Vandar had been guilty of helping to create Jedi General Amasri Idarn, the Revanchist. He'd been guilty of helping to train Jedi General Alek Squinquargesimus to stand beside her. He'd been guilty of overlooking what she knew to have been obvious, her relationship with Alek. Her bloody minded nature. But he had not been responsible for whatever it was that had happened after Malachor. That had been all her and Alek's doing. But why? That was the question that she didn't have the answer to. While she had been hardened by the War, she hadn't been broken by it. She had remained herself, Amasri, through it all. And Alek...Alek had always been a bright soul, kind, strong, good. The thought that he had gone bad was so very, very wrong. But they had both fallen and fallen hard, they'd lost themselves, they'd lost each other. They'd lost everything. And that had been their own faults. How, she just didn't know. All she knew is that she could break. She had broken. It was not impossible or even improbable. It was a fact. There was something out there that had...
"Sarah. Don't." He tapped on her sleeve, pulling her back away. "You've met Luel."
"Yes, I have." Poor guy. He'd been given quite the challenge, to defend Darth Revan for her crimes before the Jedi Council. She felt sorry for him. "He drew the short straw?"
"He is the one I requested for your defense. I am still your master, Sarah. I will still do what I can for you. You, I, and Bastila are all that is left of the Enclave. Everything else is gone."
And Sarah didn't know how she felt about that. On one hand, they had been the ones to cobble together 'Sarah' and try to slap a new identity onto her and use her against Malak. They had come damned close to killing her or destroying her in doing so. But on the other hand, they had been her family. They'd raised her, good or bad, from childhood. Unlike Bastila, Sarah did not remember her blood parents, she had been a very small child when she'd been taken to Dantooine.
Except for Vandar, the Enclave is gone. They are no longer your family. You have a new family, one you love. One you made.
But Vandar was still here. He had some of the answers to what had happened, he was here for the same reason that she was...to answer for his crimes. And he had indeed committed crimes. Sarah turned her head to bring Luel into her field of vision. He'd been silent and she knew he was farming every word they'd said, every motion, every expression, for tools for her defense. "I assume he knows now." It made no sense to keep her defense counsel in the dark. He'd have to know he was supposed to defend Revan soon enough, putting it off did them no good.
"I do." He answered for himself, moving out of the shadows next to the door. "So, you're Revan."
"Yes. I am the Revanchist." She sat up, pushing hair out of her face. "Jedi General Amasri Idarn. Whatever." Those were hers. She owned them, she knew them, she remembered them. She'd done what she felt had needed to be done, for the Republic. She'd made sacrifices along the way, for the Republic. There had been no way to defeat the Mandalorians and still remain clean, a shining example of a Jedi, at least not without the support of the Order. She had responded to the Mandalorians' violence with violence, met their ferocity with a ferocious resolve. She had meant to break their assault, to break them. And, at Malachor, she'd taken it to a whole new level. But it had been successful, she'd won. The Republic was intact. It had been long and brutal and she'd done terrible things, but she had been victorious. How she had fallen well after that victory, she had no clue.
"You're supposed to be dead." He didn't sound at all surprised and she felt almost vindicated by that. She was Revan, and Revan came back from the dead. She had saved the Republic, and then...then she had brought it to its knees.
"The Enclave did not permit me to die. Bastila would not let me go. I was close to death, but..." But Bastila had kept her from slipping away. And then, the masters had chosen a route just as filled with resolve and determination as her route to Malachor. Just as questionable, just as dark.
You have to rise above that.
Rise above herself? Was that even possible? "I don't remember." She ended with that, it was her answer for so much. "It's all just a blank." But she was still dangerous, she'd gone up against Malak as that blank and had prevailed. So she couldn't even claim that she was too damaged to worry about anymore. It would be so much easier if she was, if she had lost her connection with the Force. But that wasn't so...it remained firmly intact, in spite of everything. Because of everything?
That was an interesting question, something to ponder when she had the luxury to do so. The Force didn't take sides...it loved its dark adepts the same as it loved its light adepts. It had loved her through both. It loved her through when she'd been broken and only partially put together.
What's the point of it all? If one could not claim that they were upholding the will of the Force, by fighting others supported by the Force...with the Force... the very idea made her head hurt, and not from the hazy, not allowed to see that, pain. She was a doer. Not really a philosopher... Alek had been more of that than she was.
"Certain things cannot be known, Sarah." Vandar chuckled. "And by your expression, you're trying to know them."
"I grew up listening to you tell me to be more thoughtful. And when I get there, you tell me things cannot be known...so why bother? This is why I had Alek..."
Vandar's face went still, the very air around him paused, but Alek was not something that Sarah was going to avoid talking about just because he'd become awkward and disturbing and she had been forced to free him the only way she knew how to. She'd become awkward and disturbing as well...
Not quite as badly.
True enough. Even at her worst, her lowest point, there had been things she'd turned away from...and Alek had not. He'd bombed Telos, Taris, Dantooine. He'd given himself to the Star Forge. He'd harmed Bastila.
"But now I have Carth." And while he had some things in common with Alek, before Alek had fallen, in most ways he was as different as he could be. He was a gift, just one she wasn't certain that she deserved.
"You have Carth." Vandar agreed. "And to return to Carth means you have to convince the Inquiry that you are not an issue anymore."
Great. Convince them of something I don't even believe myself. Well, I've done it before. I can do it again.