Paperwork. The very banality of it soothed Carth, even though he was having a rough morning...which meant that Sarah was having a rough morning. He'd long since come to grips with the bond between them, he understood it as well as a non force user could, and more importantly, he'd learned when what he felt came from her...and how to distance himself from it. It wasn't that she was scared or angry, those had always been clear through how he sensed her, worse...she was stumbling. And when she stumbled, he stumbled. When she stumbled, he felt every year of his age, he felt every injury...especially the new ones, the harshest ones. He'd made it through life pretty much unscathed, physically, until recently...and then, that had all gone away. Now he was a middle aged man who'd recently been tortured and shot, and his body was more than willing to keep reminding him of that. Sarah's proximity usually banished the worst of it, he was stiff and lame, but at a fraction of what he experienced when she was distant. And it wasn't as if Sarah had come out of it untouched, she'd been chewed up just as badly as he'd been.
But now, he was supposed to come back from all of that, put his orange jacket aside, get back in a uniform and answer to Captain Onasi instead of simply Carth. It was much harder to do than he'd been expecting, although this was what he'd been hoping for, praying for, but he'd gotten used to living in a small freighter with a few close people, he'd gotten used to panic, focus and uncertainty. They'd done drastic things on a drastic schedule. And now...now he sat at a desk and tried to make sense out of an order he'd become a stranger to.
Thankfully, there was very little stress attached to this. He definitely got the impression that he was in a place where he was allowed to float without much in the way of supervision or expectation. Although he was not paying a great deal of attention to it, he knew his name was on the list for elevation to Admiral. And he'd heard the whispered rumors that he was a shoo-in to receive the Cross of Glory. Once, these had been his deepest held dreams, hopes he'd never even whisper aloud...even to Morgana...but now he was amazed by how little he actually cared now that he was at the brink of getting them all.
I just want Sarah home.
He'd give it all up in a second if that was what he would have to pay for that, but he knew they were not linked. But he still couldn't bring himself to be excited about it at all. Compared to having Dustil returned to him, compared to loving Sarah, compared to bringing the Ebon Hawk's crew home...all of them, in spite of everything, it seemed so small. So ephemeral.
He sighed, shifting to try to get more comfortable and stared blankly at the screen before him. This was all just minor make work, minor make work that required an officer on the level of a Captain or Admiral to sign off on it, but still...make work. Of course, he'd lost his last ship and her small flotilla, he was very obviously in between postings, held in limbo by a thousand small details and a few very large ones. And, between his injury issues and lack of ship, who better to meander their way through make work that needed a Captain's signature?
"Carth." The voice startled him out of his reverie and he tried to stand, but only managed to get his ass a couple of centimeters out of the chair before his hip refused to comply and he fell back into it. He was left staring up at his Admiral, trying to frame an appropriate response to his staggering lack of grace.
"Don't you dare try that again, Carth." She stated, sitting in the chair across from him, her features set in an equal mix of concern and disapproval. "Sit."
"I am sitting." And staying that way for awhile, judging by the ache. "What can do I for you?"
She sat back, judging him and he simply waited. She'd been the one to give the final go ahead for the assault on Rakata Prime, to send the fleets up against the Star Forge, and she had done it on his request and recommendations. And then, she'd kept them in the fight on the same from him. It wasn't something he was truly comfortable with, but try as he might to think of another way...and he had...there had been no other option. This had been his Malachor. He understood that. So many had died...on his request and his recommendations. All because he couldn't see another way out. All because he had wanted...needed...to end it all. Finally, and costs be damned. He'd done it. It was over. And now he understood yet another facet of the woman he loved. He understood the burden and the lingering guilts and doubts that Sarah carried, even though she'd never admit them...even to him. Malachor had been necessary to stop the Mandalorians. She'd made that call. Rakata Prime had been necessary to stop Malak. Carth had made that call.
"Are you going to be okay?"
Going to be? Yes. At the moment? No. "I will be, yes. I have my son back." She had to know that already, he couldn't see it...and the questions tied to it...not being in reports to her. How...where...had Carth found Dustil?
"I saw that. Amazing news and I'm so happy for you..." She gave him a half smile, her austere features lighting up slightly. Her manner, her speech, let him know that this was an informal conversation and he relaxed slightly. This was friendly, not business in its purest form.
But. Carth heard the word hanging in the silence and he shrugged. "I'll get through this, as soon as they let me have my fiancee back." It wasn't the most tactful of responses, but he really wasn't in the mood for tact. And he really wasn't in the mood to be his usual sunny self. "And no, I'm not going to contest the idea that I am not...currently...fit for command." It hadn't been said outright to his face, but he knew it was there, behind the scenes. He was unfit...mentally and physically. He was still recovering, and now he should have the time and luxury to do so. With Malak dead and the Star Forge gone, the pressure against them should start to lift.
"We want to give you that time, Carth. I just wanted you to know that is what this is, not a lack of faith in you. Even from what is in your reports, you've been through a lot." There was a subtle push in that statement, but Dodonna had to know his reports had been edited by the Temple. Or he'd self edited them knowing that they would be... he'd been honest as to what he'd done...and not done...but he'd slid away from reporting about the Jedi on the Ebon Hawk's crew. Sarah and Bastila answered to the Temple, he answered to the Admiralty. If anyone was to drop the statement that Revan was not dead to the Admiralty, it should be the Temple. Not Carth.
"I don't want a ship right now." He never, ever thought those words would pass from his lips, but they were the truth. He wasn't physically up to that yet. And he needed his personal life in some sort of order before he stepped back into those shoes again. He couldn't be called away from those obligations right now...he'd just gotten Dustil back. He couldn't ruin this opportunity. He had to stand with his family now. Dustil. Mission. Sarah... He wouldn't give a new ship, a new crew, a sliver of himself...he was a better soldier, a better officer, than that. "I have to fix things here, first. Myself. My family."
"Of course, Carth. I just wanted you to know that is how we see it, as well. You need time and I'm certain you've heard some of the rumors."
"I've heard rumors." And if they were true, they simply added to the fact that he was not ready. There was a certain expectation from an Admiral, and that expectation scaled up drastically if that Admiral wore the Republic's highest award on his chest. "If they're true...then I'm really not ready."
"They're true. And you're really not ready. I just wanted you to know that riding that desk is not, not, not a reflection on how we see you. I'm glad you already see that. You can get a little single-minded on occasion..."
He chuckled in answer. Yes, yes, he knew that already. She wasn't the first one to point out his blatant pigheadedness, but she was the most polite about it. "Wouldn't have made it to Rakata Prime and back without it."
"You worried me. I was certain we'd lost you at Taris with the Endar Spire. I'm very sorry about the crew, but the Jedi insisted..."
"They were right to." The imperative had been to get Sarah back into a place where Revan might come to the surface again, to lead Bastila to the Star Forge. The Enclave had been willing to sacrifice so much on that slim hope, but it had paid off. Much as it hurt, he could see it now. They'd all suffered for it, but it had worked. "I know there's very little in the report, and I assume they cut out parts of what I did actually write, but they were right to do what they did. Without that, we would have never found the Star Forge." And by now, the Republic would be in its final death throes. He mourned the losses, but he understood why...now...they had been necessary.
"Hmmm." She sounded supremely noncommittal, again, something he understood. At the beginning of this, he'd been in exactly the same place. Now he understood more, and while he had little faith in the Enclave and not much more in the Temple, he had supreme faith in Sarah's abilities. He followed Revan and he was secure in that fact. He understood so much that had been incomprehensible before and it brought a clarity that he could not share with Dodonna, even after the trust she'd shown him over Rakata Prime. He held secrets now. Hell, he had secrets now...this wasn't just a matter of holding Revan's identity close, it wasn't just a matter of holding the Enclave's misdeeds... it was a matter of holding his own failings to himself. He'd said, done, accepted, terrible things. He'd contemplated following Revan through another fall. He'd pledged himself to her knowing that was a possibility. And even now, it sat comfortably with him. Thankfully, Sarah had not called on him to make the decision, he could still be here...with Dodonna's view of him untarnished, while knowing the truth deep in his heart. Sarah had come home. But if that didn't work out, he'd follow her away from here. "Off the record, I wish they'd chosen another captain." Dodonna finally admitted and he nodded, even though he knew it was an empty agreement. Another captain would simply not have worked.
"Another captain would have not recognized my son." That was the safest, easiest argument for why it had to have been him. No one would argue against bringing Dustil home. "And the Ebon Hawk's captain had to be a pilot. A damn good pilot. If I hadn't have been one...I would have never gotten the team all of the way there." They would have never made it off of Taris, much less off of Rakata Prime. Another captain would not have recognized Dustil, and without Carth, Sarah would not have recognized him either. And, deep in his gut, he rejected the idea of someone else being the one to hold Sarah up...if another one could have held her up. That was his job. He was the one who had brought her back. "I pushed my piloting as far as it would go, Admiral, from the very beginning. And I did it in a freighter." I dare you to tell me the name of a Republic captain who could have done it. No, it had to have been him. The Force, fate, luck, whatever, had spoken.
"You're right, of course. It is good to hear you accept that you are one of our best, finally. You can be too damned humble sometimes. Why is your fiancee not here? She is the dark haired Jedi who was with you on the Ebon Hawk's holofeed right before we began the attack? She was injured as badly as you were, from what I understand..."
"Sarah has been called before the Jedi Council for various and assorted misdeeds, including becoming involved with me. She'll be fine, but this has left me at home alone with the kids." That was the view he had to keep in his mind. Sarah was fine. She'd faced worse challenges and had prevailed. They had done the impossible together, and she was coming home. To him. To the kids. They had not lost her.
"I saw your request for new housing. I'll get that moved along as quickly as I can. I don't have much...if any...sway with the Jedi Council, but I wish you the best with them and that they send her back to you quickly. Her name is Sarah...yes, Vandar called her that. It seems like it was so long ago, but only yesterday."
"Yes." The whole thing felt like that. It had only been weeks since the battle, but it felt like a lifetime ago. And only yesterday. "But we made it. And we'll keep doing so."
(AN- A little behind due to vacation and editing/polishing my original, but I'm still here. :) )