"Hey there. Are you all alone?"
Behind a practiced smile, Tiffany Maye clenched her nostrils against a most noxious B.O. Of course she's alone. I mean, just look at this girl. She's a walking disaster!
The stringy, ginger hair left to grow matted and weedy, the greasy black glasses perched on an even greasier nose; the pop tart half-stuffed down her mouth like a dog gnawing its bone. And that sweat-stained t-shirt with the bug-eyed cartoon girl in a sailor fetish outfit!
Tiffany had one perfect word to sum up the girl called Sarah Stevens: Eww.
The high school freshman had all the appeal of a billy goat-munching troll lurking under a stone bridge, only this gremlin feasted on sugar and snack cakes beneath the football field bleachers. At least the fresh air tamps down the smell…
Little Sarah looked up from her sketchpad, tilting her head quizzically. "Are you lost, ojou-sama? No one comes here but me."
"Lost?" Tiffany laughed a perfect, honours-student laugh. "No, I'm here because -"
Oof, how to explain that she was here to save this poor girl's innocence? That Sarah had become the topic of gross locker room talk among the football jocks, none of it good. Rodney and his buddies, Tiffany grimaced. According to Sandra, who was dating Justin, who played defensive linebacker, Rodney and his heartbreakers had been eyeing this chubby girl like a frosh party beer keg, debating who would be the first to "tap that". They didn't even try to keep their voices down, boasting about plans for "bagging" the nerd girl, or how the shy ones were always "super freaky".
Well not on my watch. Tiffany had enough lived experience with "corrupted" women. Like her babysitting charges who crossed the street without looking, Tiffany would sweep in and save this poor thing. I won't let them turn you into another "Misty".
Oh, but Sarah was awaiting her explanation. Ahem!
"I'm here because you looked like you could use a friend. So I thought we could hang out."
The poor thing. Her eyes sparkled like a kicked puppy. "Really? Hai, hai, hai! Yes, I'll be your friend! Ooh, want a pop tart? Pocky? Sugar rocks?"
"Err, I'm on a diet. Sooo, whatcha drawing?" Tiffany gestured to Sarah's well-worn sketch pad.
"Ooh, I'm practicing drawing bodies. I'm gonna be a famous manga-ka one day! Just like Masashi Kishimoto!"
"Masa-what-now?" Was an Asian car brand?
"Shhh!" Finger to her lips, Sarah yanked the cheerleader into a crouch. Overhead, Tiffany heard the harsh laughter of Audrey Belrose's clique, clomping up the bleachers and kicking back for lunch and gossip.
Tiffany's cheeks reddened. Audrey plopped down so quickly and casually, she hadn't fixed her skirt. Omigod, you can see her -
"Yosh! See, Tiff-Tiff? This is the perfect place to practice drawing panty shots!"
Tiffany's face paled. What the hell?
Sarah Stevens really was a wounded little puppy. With just the slightest pretense of affection, she started following Tiffany everywhere, loudly checking in on her "bestie" in between classes and running up to her in the hallways for "glompings".
"Hi-Hi, Tiff-Tiff! Ready for another super-special awesome, fudge-coated, chocolatey mega day? I drank three energy drinks this morning, so I sure am!"
And the questions! Tiffany reddened every time the loudmouth yelled after her in the hallways.
"Hey Tiff-Tiff. You're a cheerleader, right? What's it like having butt sex?"
Tiffany retreated into her mind, loudly humming soothing childhood nursery rhymes.
Mary had a little lamb -
"Oi, Tiff-Tiff. Can you look at my sketches? Did I draw this pee-pee too veiny, or not veiny enough?"
- little lamb -
"Yo, Tiff-Tiff! I'm tryin' a figure out if our quarterback is an Uke or a Seme. Oh, lemmie explain, an Uke is -"
- LITTLE LAMB -
"Hey, Tiff-Tiff? Have you heard the new OP for Ultimate Mop Daisuke X? I think the third season opening was best-o, but this guy online says the seventh was top tier. I'm totally right, aren't I? Here, let me sing it and you'll see! Ready? Ready?"
- and everywhere that Mary went the lamb was sure to go…
It kept going and going. Now people were starting to whisper about her like she was a freak too! And the more people thought of her as a deviant weirdo, the more they might whisper about her resemblance to the true degenerates. Hey, ever notice how much Tiffany looks like that one porn star?
"Lunch time, Tiff-Tiff! Look, I bought you a soda and - oops!"
A trip and a skid in platform shoes, a tray launched forward. Grape soda splattering over her immaculate, white top and exposing -
"Whoaa, Tiff-Tiff, I didn't know you wore black!"
"ENOUGH! "
The entire cafeteria froze, summoned to attention by perfect, honour-student Tiffany Maye's teeth-clenching snarl. Sarah's eyes warbled.
"Tiff-Tiff?"
"I'm not your stupid 'Tiff-Tiff'! I'm not your friend. I never was! Don't you get it? I don't like you, I'm not interested in you; I don't want anything to do with you!"
Sarah's jaw dangled. "But - but -"
"Not. Another. Word." Tiffany drew herself up, brushing back her bangs and regaining her composure as she drew her line in the sand.
"Let's get this straight: you and I may have to share a space," she gestured to the school's hallowed walls, "we may have to see each other on a daily basis but from this moment on we are strangers. I will not talk to you. You will not talk to me. We will have nothing to do with each other. Is that clear?"
"I - "
"Is. That. Clear?"
Sarah just turned and ran, bawling her eyes out. At the back of the cafeteria, a tall, greasy boy in a Letterman sports jacket scanned the fight, cracked a grin and inconspicuously took the same exit as the crying weeb.
The cafeteria resumed its idle chatter. Tiffany exhaled and considered her performance.
Well, that really was easier to say the second time.