So many eyes weighing her, measuring her. Sarah wished she was better at confrontations like this, and in spite of all of the formality and wary distance here, this was a confrontation. It was only a confrontation won with words, with appearances, and persuasiveness. While Sarah was good with words, and could be very, very persuasive, these people were looking for that. And honestly, she had no idea how to turn that off. If she'd ever been taught to rein in her ability to sway others to her side, to convince them to do the impossible for her, it was a lesson she'd forgotten. But she was certain it was a dangerous tack to take here, with the Masters of the Order. They were probably strong enough to turn away, and astute enough to sense it.

Maybe.

Well, it wasn't something she wanted to find out the hard way. For now, she'd play this on the straight and narrow. She'd be what she was supposed to be. "Amasri...Idarn. You return to us."

Sarah stared at the speaker for a long, long moment. She did not know this man, did not know his name, but she knew he was the current Grand Master. His aura, where he sat in the room, at the center of the seated Council members. Everything about him was a reminder of what she was supposed to have been...but wasn't. They all were. Somehow, that should bother her...or it felt like it should bother her, but it didn't. These were just spectators, never on the path she had always been on.

"I do." Well, sort of. She'd never been here before to return, but she knew he meant the Order, the Jedi, not necessarily the Temple. "You requested my presence here."

"Yes. Have a seat. Are you recovered enough to have this discussion?"

Well, that seemed to be a promising start. She wouldn't bet good money on it staying so polite, but she would be amenable to giving it an attempt, at the very least. "I am as recovered as I believe I will ever be." It sounded dire and melodramatic, but from what she grasped, her life could often be described like that. But it was also truthful. She'd been loose for months and while she'd managed to grab back certain parts of herself, she'd accomplished very little overall. She didn't remember her childhood. She didn't remember hardly any of her early adulthood, becoming a Jedi, even going to war. She didn't become truly real in her own mind until Taris. She might be almost forty, but all she remembered was a year or so of those decades.

"So we've been told. Sadly so. Your healers here believe you are a lost cause, unable to remain in the Order."

Sarah measured the statement. On one hand, her soul snarled in defiance, she'd never been a 'lost cause' in anything. She could be a Jedi, again, if she really, really wanted to be, if she was meant to be. She was a bright and shining force in her own right, but it would be counterproductive to try to claim that. If she was a 'lost cause' then maybe she'd be allowed to simply slide away, back to Brentaal, back to Carth and Dustil. But that felt entirely too easy, no...this was a test. It wasn't a lie, that was exactly what he'd been told, which was certainly interesting information, but he doubted it.

"The only lost cause here is my commitment to the Order." It was probably not the most cautious of replies, she could feel Luel shift uncomfortably behind her when he heard it. "And probably my ability to remember what you want me to remember."

That was a tack that Luel was more at ease with, she smiled at him slightly when he brought her a seat. It felt less like an interrogation when she sat, and that was a reason to keep her guard up. So far, this had all been very non-confrontational. It would easy to be lulled into a false sense of security by it. She folded her hands in her lap, well aware that the bright lights of the Council Chamber played across the ring she wore. She'd never worn Alek's ring, she'd never admitted openly to a relationship with him, she'd never truly committed to him, but she had to Carth.

Alek was not the right one to hold you. All of your determination to make him that did not make him so.

No, it hadn't. "I admit to the crimes, to the sins that you've called me here to face." This was also not the way that Luel wanted to handle this, but she knew she would not have the fortitude to put herself through the battle he favored. "I admit that I broke with the Order. I admit that I betrayed the Republic and her people. I admit that I failed at everything that I ever stood for." The words came much easier than she expected, but then again, these weren't the crimes that seemed to weigh on her soul. Alek's fall, definitely. The loss of herself, absolutely. The path of destruction she'd wreaked on everything around her once she'd lost control, positively. But the actual steps seemed so far away, so long ago and completely out of context. Their very incomprehensibility cushioned the blow. It was oddly easy to admit to atrocities that didn't quite click in her heart. "But I can't tell you why." And that was the question that needed an answer. Why had Amasri Idarn, Jedi General, turned in such a spectacular way? How had it happened? Had she had those propensities from the start? Was she just another bad seed from a corrupt Enclave now destroyed? Had it been Alek's fault? He was the one who had shattered... No. It had not been his fault. It had been their fault, together. They'd believed that they were equal to... The bright room grayed around her but the darkness gave her no answers and things slid back to normal a few heartbeats later. No, that was still something she wasn't permitted to know. And if she wasn't permitted to know it, then they wouldn't get that information from her. Not yet, at least.

"You truly do not know what happened." There was a dark wonder under his statement and she stared at him. That idea shook him to his core. "You, one of our finest sentinels, don't see where things went wrong? What happened to you and Alek? Can you at least tell us when things started to fall apart? Before Malachor? After?"

Before. We knew...something...before. It was one of the reasons why I...why I...why I gave the order.

He was doing this, he was trying to provide a focus. And perhaps, enough rope to hang herself with? Even so, this was clearer than what she'd managed on her own. "Before. We knew...before." And she knew that he'd seen that before she'd even spoken. He was in here with her, supporting, guiding, weighing. "Something...dark. Powerful. Conniving. We...needed to stop...it. Malachor was just an objective in that. A mid point. It would stop the Mandalorian assault and give us the breathing room to go after...it." She was distantly aware that her hands had started to shake, her lips were quivering. She wanted to run but it was as if she was pinned into her seat. He was really going to make her see it again. She couldn't. It would break her. She wasn't ready. It was too soon. This had to stop...now. She was breaking, she was dying, she was falling...again... Carth.

It suddenly dropped and she launched herself from the seat, too blind with panic to sort out which direction to even run in. She wasn't certain how she ended up in his arms, but she did, wrapped up and hidden in his robes while she wailed and sobbed into his chest, clinging to him like a child in the throes of a night terror.

"She doesn't know." He stated firmly when her sobs abated to the point he could be heard over them without raising his voice. "They found something before Malachor. Everything I see shows that they were determined to confront it, but they needed to stop the War to leave. Malachor was expedient. Malachor was, in her mind, justified because of what they found. Just one more battle in a war. It wasn't the end for them, just one more stage leading up to the end. And what they found was too much for them to handle. They were both arrogant and righteous, they believed they could do it, should do it. They were wrong and it crippled them. Alek died for it, but she has been given back to those who deserve her."

"Deserve?" Vandar sounded wary and Sarah agreed with him completely. Was she supposed to be some sort of punishment? Penance? Carth had committed no crimes to deserve that. Dustil had been a child when he'd been taken from Telos...he didn't deserve anything terrible, either.

"That is what I got. It's all very obscured and dark, she doesn't understand it well enough to show me more. She isn't able to answer the charges against her, too much is hidden for that. And she believes that she answered a threat in the best interests of the Republic, that she had been maneuvered into a position where she was the only one who could answer that threat. We wouldn't support the Republic against the Mandalorians, she had no reason to believe we would support her against this...threat...whatever it was...is."

"What threat?!" Another council member, Sarah could only hear her, she must be the one on the side, the regal twi'lek...

"That remains to be seen. All I get from her is darkness, compulsions, loss. But she's certain it's still there. I trust her in that." He moved a half step back, pulling his physical support away from Sarah, but he was still close enough to hide her from the Council, to be within grabbing distance if she stumbled. "No. We cannot pry it out of her. Chances are, we'll destroy her and then we will lose the only person we have who has the slightest idea of what we're even looking for. She knows. Sarah..."

"What?" So far, she agreed with pretty much everything he'd said.

"What are you asking us for? What do you want?" He reached out slowly, cupping her face in his hands and staring into her eyes. His were brown, warm and gentle...much like Carth's were. Carth...

"I want to go home. To Brentaal. To be with my family, I don't want...I can't...be anything else right now."

He nodded, dropping his hands to his sides and moving back to his seat. "Then go home, Sarah." He sighed, resting his chin on the back of his hand. It was obviously not the reply that the Council, or Luel, had been expecting but there were no complaints. "On one condition." He finally stated and she steeled herself for it. What could he want? What was she willing to pay?

"And that is?"

"You are not leaving the Order. You can go to Brentaal, you can marry Captain Onasi, you can guide the children who look to you for that. But you are still one of us. And you will serve us, as you are meant to...as one of our Sentinels. You will watch for that darkness that only you will recognize. Watch for us. Watch for them."