Unspoken dreams of a wedding she was never going to have. That was the truth, when Sarah looked back at that, she felt...nothing. Had she even contemplated forever with Alek the way she contemplated it now with Carth? Had she ever considered...more? Surely she had wanted the same? The idea of not having Carth there, in her life, beside her, was crushing. He was interwoven with her to the point she couldn't imagine picking apart those strands, unraveling those knots. But when she cautiously prodded her earlier memories, she got...less...back. She'd cared deeply for Alek. She would have died for him. But would she have lived for him? Could he have carried her through what Carth had? Somehow she doubted it. Every bit of what she felt back was colored with youthful arrogance and more than a little rebellion. While Alek had stood at her back with ease and grace, had been Amasri's comrade in arms, he had been a partner for her youth. She wasn't certain that it would have lasted. They would have always been what they were, clandestine lovers. That had been part of the appeal, part of the thrill. Eventually, they would have grown out of it. Probably always close, always friends, but that...that had had an expiration date. It had been poisoned ahead of that, but Sarah doubted if it would have lasted much longer than it did. They had been sticking together because of the War, and then because of...whatever that was that she wasn't going to poke...but there had been cracks. Strains. Issues.

But she still missed him. Their romantic relationship had been failing and failing hard, but she'd never wanted him dead. Even when she'd been working at killing him, she'd never wanted him dead. He should still be here. While he was definitely not the one she ever should have married, he should be breathing enough to get an invitation.

He broke.

Yes, yes he had.

You didn't break him.

That one was a little more difficult to swallow. She'd taken him into that, and it had broken him.

You didn't take him anywhere. He wasn't your padawan...you left her behind. You took responsibility for the one you were truly responsible for. Bastila is still alive. Bastila is still whole. Alek was capable of making his own decisions. And should be held responsible for his own failings.

"You can't do this, Alek! This goes against the very reason we are here! You are becoming what we are here to stand against! You have to fight it! You have to..." Her own voice, high pitched with an edge of desperate screech. She couldn't remember a time when she had actually sounded like that, but that was her voice, it seemed to be an accurate memory, and Alek had been her target.

The flash, clear and cold, was yanked away from her and she clutched at the clothes rack in front of her, closing her eyes against the vertigo. No. She was not going to pass out in a dress shop. Alone. That would cause a scene and scenes were bad. There would be another hospital. Carth would be notified. Very embarrassing. That was definitely not how she wanted to end this excursion to look at fancy dresses.

Thankfully, it passed and she returned to her slow contemplation of her choices. Carth wanted a wedding, so he was damn well going to get one. He was going to be an Admiral. He deserved every single last thing his little heart desired.

How many people left will be able to recognize you?

She sighed, running her fingertips down the gown she kept returning to. How many? Thankfully, the consistent answer when she pushed against the question was...not a lot. The vast majority of the people that had known Amasri had been those who had served with Amasri. And they'd been willing to follow Amasri into darkness.

Mundi Ayala.

Well, except for that one. Ayala would recognize her. Any day, no matter what. Sarah had no doubts about that.

"Can I try this one on?" She'd been in here for an hour and had always circled back to stand exactly where she was. If they were going to do this, then she was going to do this. She'd never half assed anything in her life. Carth wanted the wedding he'd never had? Well, he was going to get it. And that meant, by extension, she was going to get it.

"Of course!" The shopkeeper was all smiles when she moved over to help, ushering Sarah into a changing room. "That's a wonderful choice."

Of course it was. It was also an expensive one. Sarah didn't need to even ask. Once in a lifetime. Of that, she was certain. All in.

The woman helped her into it, stepping back to give Sarah space and a moment to take it in. Yes, this was definitely the gown to go all in with. It even rose to the challenge of being a foil to the dress uniform that Carth would undoubtedly be wearing, and that was saying something. It was mostly scarlet red, lavishly embroidered and embellished with black and a bright, ruddy autumnal gold. Black and red. Revan's colors...and, with the addition of the nearly orange tinted gold, the colors of an officer's dress uniform. It was safe to let the wry smirk go, the shopkeeper would only see a pleased, slightly arrogant smile. It was not tightly structured, with a wrap front that fastened with black braided frogs, dangling black braids and tassels. It had breathing room, yet it still had a nod to the more tailored fit of the uniform it would play off of . She loved it. And she was in the mood to be reckless and self indulgent.

"I'll take it."

She stepped out into the sunlight, garment bag slung over her shoulder, and was immediately acquired by...well, she couldn't feel it exactly, which narrowed down her available options to precisely one. "Yes, Dustil?"

He chuckled, appearing out of the shadowed alleyway to her right. He was getting so, so, so much better at that. And that should bother her. Even without her training, he was becoming steadily more and more hidden, more and more sneaky. It was as if yanking him out of Korriban, taking over as his master, had just given him permission, leeway, to explode into what he was meant to be. She was training him, working with him, relying on ephemeral memories of dealing with...whatever...he was. Hopefully it was enough. But from what she felt, her guidance was less training in him in his abilities than pointing him in the way he needed to go. They would bloom without her, but somehow, he needed her...if only to hold people off of him.

He is a gift.

Of course he was.

To his father, and to you. You will need him one day, as much as he needs you today.

Lovely.

"I felt you waver. You were out in public, so I came to see if you needed me."

"No, I'm good." He knew that already, but it sounded appropriately positive and steady. She hadn't needed him. She'd pulled herself out of it. "It would be better if I had some idea of what sets this shit off." Even when she tried to avoid it, to circle around it, it still came out of nowhere. Her mind flitted from subject to subject as if it was determined to find the places it wasn't supposed to go. Things had been easier when she'd been completely in the dark, about Revan, about Malak, about all of it. But now it was just a crumbling mess of things she couldn't know, shouldn't know, might be able to know if she was willing to take the risk, and the absolutely not allowed to know now pick herself up off of the floor when she regained consciousness things. And those were the ones she felt like she was constantly circling, like a sentient moth well aware that the flame would kill, yet unable to fly away from it.

"Umhm." He sounded unconvinced and she didn't blame him. She had some idea how to avoid them, but it was like she couldn't just let it go. It didn't help that everything she did know seemed to be a door to everything she didn't know. "Shopping?"

Ah, he was the wise one. He was going to lead her away from it, distract her, change the subject, and they'd both be better off for it. He was much better at it than Bastila was. And he was so very, very much aware that he was doing it.

"Dress." And she was willing to let him do it. If this was part of his role in her life, as her apprentice, she was not going to interfere. "Decided to go splurge, only getting married once."

He nodded, matching strides with her. "Yes." He agreed, keeping one arm length away, on her off side, slightly staggered. It was just one more thing she hadn't taught him yet, that he just seemed to grasp without even thinking. She was used to dealing with prodigies. She'd been one. Alek had. Bastila had. It seemed like she was always surrounded by them and Dustil was only a different flavor of prodigy. Always a different one, tuned to her circumstances, her needs. And apparently she needed this?

"Are you all right with this?" She wasn't sure what she'd do if he told her he wasn't, she was going to marry Carth no matter what, but this was not someone she wanted angry with her. Every day that passed just underlined that. He was an odd mix of his father's easy going nature and that cold streak of Korriban trained killer. And he was grasping those arts quickly, arts she was not exactly strong in. He knew enough to be dangerous. He was dangerous...

He snorted in laughter. "The force has chosen my father to be your partner. I will answer you the same way I answered him when he asked me the same...I do not know if I should congratulate him or commiserate with him. But I will not stand in the way of this. You have my blessings. Just...try to keep him safe. I know you will, but..that's all I ask."

"Your father means the world to me." It was the safest reply, sane and grounded. It certainly worked better than the truth, that she would annihilate anything that threatened Carth or the kids. And she had a lot of practice with destruction. But Dustil knew that and by the slight chuckle he gave, she knew he'd accurately translated that safe reply to 'I will rain terror and chaos down for him'.

"And you mean the world to him. Don't overthink this."

Easy for him to say. As much as she wanted this, she could see so many ways this could go disastrously wrong. She needed to do damage mitigation, but that could cause more damage in itself. Did she try to contact Ayala? Keep quiet and hope she didn't notice? Make certain she didn't notice? Sarah had never paid much attention to the social waves in the Republic Navy, she'd only been involved in their combat uses. While she was fairly certain that she'd been 'close' to Ayala, as things went, it felt like it had been mostly professional.

"Ugh." He gave her a measuring look and she shrugged. "Probably overthinking." Maybe she'd just get lucky and Ayala wouldn't be in the mood to pay attention to Navy social movements.

Not likely.

"About?"

She shrugged. Was it right to discuss this with him? Was it right to discuss it at all? Carth was not the one to listen to this, he was too close. Bastila might know more, but what could she do? But then, what could her teen-aged apprentice do, either?

Give an outsider's view.

"I had a captain, once. Close. Deep in my fleet. I leaned on her a lot." He remained silent but every iota of him was focused on her words. "When things got...deep, she turned away. She left me. She returned to the Republic. She will be able to recognize me."

He turned slightly and she felt the flow of the Force catch and ripple around him. He was obscuring himself, obscuring her. Nothing had triggered her own caution, nothing had made her feel she could not speak somewhat freely where she was. He obviously felt differently.

"Does she need to go away?"

Not in the way he meant. She'd be damned if she started this new life off by sending her...assassin...to kill her previous captain. That was it. That's what he was. That was the correct term, she'd finally managed to catch it by coming at it sideways. He was a sith assassin, whatever that encompassed...

"Not in the way you mean, not now at least." No, Ayala was a situation that she needed to at least to deal with herself, first. Mundi deserved that. Sarah was better than Revan...

"Acknowledged." That was apparently enough for him, he dropped the shadow and strode merrily ahead, suddenly just another teenager out with 'mom'. She had to smile, a pleased, proud mama smirk. He obviously caught it, giving her the slightest salute.

She had this. This could work. This would work.