Waking up this morning, with Cassidy curled against my side, it's easy to forget. Just for a moment before my eyes opened, I could pretend. Pretend that everything is okay and that Cassidy had a nightmare, coming to me for comfort, like she still occasionally does.
The truth is far more unsettling. Without the haze of whatever Andrea gave me to drink last night, the reality I am left with is disturbing. My ten-year-old daughter is being taken to a planet where she will be operated on and then forced to fight for her own survival. What if we can't find her? What if we are too late? Andrea said that a lot of children's lives were lost during training; too aggressive to live harmoniously with one another.
These mods or implants that they are given are barbaric. Children are not natural fighters. Changing the way that their brains function, so that they actually want to fight, should be illegal. Well, it is everywhere else, but I can't forget that this is The Void we are talking about; a place where there are no rules and not even Interstellar Enforcement will attempt to govern what they do.
Cassidy turns over, pressing her thumb between my eyebrows and smoothing the wrinkles I know she must have spotted.
"Are you okay, Mom?"
My first instinct is always to protect my girls, but I can't keep avoiding the issue with Cassidy. How will she understand that this is a safe space for her to talk about what is bothering her, if I don't let her see that I have emotions and feelings too? I can't help her if she doesn't trust me to talk to her honestly. I have noticed that she opens up to everyone but me, when things are bothering her.
I sigh. "I'm okay, sweetheart, but I'm worried about Caroline. I don't like to think of her being without us for so long."
"Me too," Cassidy replies, moving closer to me. "But Andy says we have to think of her like a diamond. You know, like they used to mine on Earth One, before it was a waterworld." She smiles then, taking away some of the heaviness of our conversation. A lightness coming back to her eyes for a moment.
"Like a diamond?" I repeat. I have no idea where she is going with this, but it seems to have given her comfort.
"She says that people are like diamonds. We might think they are one thing, but when they are put under a lot of pressure, then we find out who they really are, and they learn to shine. She says that maybe Caroline never shone before, because she always had me to shine for her. I was always the brave one who looked after her, but that doesn't mean she can't look after herself."
"So, we should both stop underestimating her?" I ask, and I'm surprised to realise just how much this makes sense. Both of my girls are intelligent and strong, and just because Cassidy has always been the outspoken one, doesn't mean that Caroline doesn't have her own strengths. She's cunning, and good at reading people. These are both things that will help her in her current predicament.
"Basically. Well, that's what Andy says, anyway, and she's pretty smart, don't you think, Mom?"
"I do, darling. I really do, but do you know who else is smart?"
She shakes her head, her own brow wrinkling.
I lean forward to kiss her temple. "You."
She smiles widely then, and I can't help but smile back at her, my worries fading to the background, just for a few moments.
"Time for breakfast," I inform her, pulling back the covers, and nudging her. "Go and get dressed and I'll meet you in the Cave."
She throws herself off the bed and skips across the room to the door. The night of comfort has done us a lot of good, bringing us both a little more peace than we were feeling before. It doesn't change what has happened, or even what I am worried will happen next, but I find myself trusting in Caroline. Andrea is correct, she probably does have a lot of skills and strengths that we're not even aware of. The Commander is a good example of this, I know. She survived The Circle and is stronger for it.
I head into my own pod and change my clothes. There is no point in showering until I've worked out for the day, so I head straight out into the Cave. Andrea is lounging in one of the armchairs, mug in hand and her Info Glass precariously balanced on the arm. She looks up and a warm smile is directed my way.
"Hey, how did you two sleep?"
I walk past, stopping to briefly squeeze her arm before I head to the kitchen. "Wonderfully, thank you."
She just nods, and smiles again, the radiance of it almost blinding. It seems like the whole universe has shifted between us, changing not only my perception, but her entire countenance. "You're welcome, Miranda," she replies, softly, as she stops me from leaving by taking a hold of my hand in her smooth, cool fingers. "If there is anything I can do, for either of you, then just tell me."
Flustered, I pull my hand back. "We just need breakfast, I think. Sleeping for a solid eight hours has left both of us rather more hungry than normal."
She smiles knowingly. "Eat. Being well rested is nothing unless you are also well fed."
Andrea stands, stepping far closer to me than I have ever known her to. "If you need me, I'll be in Command with Joss."
I attempt to suck in a breath, taking a small step backwards, just so I feel like I can breathe again, ignoring the twinkle in her eye. She knows the effect her closeness has on me, even if I don't really understand it myself. "I need to make breakfast for Cassidy and I."
She grins, sending a wink my way before striding through the cave to where half of the crew are patiently watching. Their faces are serious and for a moment I consider joining them, but first things first, I need to ensure that my daughter eats a decent breakfast. I feel more confident after last night, that I will be informed of any developments that are relevant to me in any way.
Cassidy greets me with a bright smile, bouncing happily on her toes as she reaches into one of the lockers and pulls out a jar of purple berries. Unscrewing the lid, she pops one into her mouth, grinning as the juice runs down her chin. Destra laughs as she walks by, handing her a dry cloth, before joining the others by the command console.
"What's going on up front?" Cassidy asks me, staring at the huddle gathered around the main screen.
"I'm not sure, but I'm sure that we'll be told if it concerns us. What would you like to have for breakfast?"
"More berries?" she suggests innocently, giving me a toothy grin. Her normally white teeth are stained purple, and she laughs when I roll my eyes.
"Something more than berries, you've lost weight," I remind her. She's never been overweight, but there are noticeable differences now. The amount we are expected to work out each day is changing our bodies, and we both need to eat more to accommodate our energy requirements. Destra has warned us both to up our caloric intake, and if we don't, then she will put us on a strict nutritional plan.
Cassidy opens the fridge, pulling out a portion of oats and fruit that was made up the night before. "This will do."
It does look good, so I take one for myself too, and after pouring a mug of coffee, join Cassidy at the table. The crew break up their meeting, and Andrea walks over to the table, sliding onto the end of one of the benches.
"How do you two fancy getting some fresh air?"
"What does that entail, Andrea?"
"We're stopping for a resupply on Giloda. While the crew organise the food and refuel, how about we take a wander around? There is a fantastic market there, if you'd like to join me?" Andrea offers, eyes hopeful.
"Is it safe?" I ask, as Cassidy groans, shaking her head.
"Mom, of course it's safe. Do you really think Andy would take us somewhere that isn't safe?"
Andrea gestures at her with a jerk of her thumb. "What she said. Giloda is a Level One planet. Friendly, safe and very accepting of visitors, as long as you're from an allied planet, which we are. It's the only Level One planet in The Void."
"Then as long as it won't delay us further, we would love to join you," I reply. I have to look away from the smile that spreads across her face. It's too much.
"Resupply usually takes about an hour, and Lily will Comm ahead so that they are ready for us. We'll be as quick as possible, I promise you. We've made good time, actually. Caroline is not too far ahead of us."
"How do you know, Andy?"
The Commander adopts her signature patient face, and turns to talk to my daughter. "Joss monitors the Comms and surveillance on each planet, as well as ships in the vicinity. Caroline is currently on a small ship that is just ahead of us, as far as we know. I don't believe she has been taken off of it."
"Can't we just catch up with her?" Cassidy asks, stealing the question out of my own mouth.
Andrea smiles. "Not without resupplying. We always need to make sure we have enough on board to deal with any eventuality. Giloda is our last chance to get what we need on board, before we attempt an intercept. There are no guarantees it's possible, though, Cassy," the Commander warns gently. "We outgun them, but they will probably call our bluff. They'll know we don't want to risk hurting Caroline. We might be able to throw out a line and force it to dock with us, but it's a dangerous thing to attempt. It's probably going to be easier and safer to wait until Caroline is on Bellator."
Cassidy's face drops, and she nods. "I know, but she's so close. I just want to see my sister again."
"You will. Soon, okay? We'll get her back as quickly as possible, but we need to keep everyone, including her, safe."
Cassidy stands up, picking up her now empty dish. "Have I got time to workout before we reach Giloda?"
Andrea smiles understandingly. "Go on, Cassy. Be ready to leave in ninety minutes, okay?"
Cassidy wanders off, shoulders drooping, and I sigh to myself.
Andrea's hand reaches out to rest on mine. "I know this is hard for you, but keep strong. Don't give up now."
I shake her off, though not without a small smile. "I think I'll go and join Cassidy in the workout room."
Giloda is a small planet with a fast rotation. We arrive at what is the equivalent of midday, but Andrea warns us that day and night pass much more quickly here, even more quickly than on Nova Terra.
"What do you mean?"
I should have expected that question from Cassidy, her quest for knowledge is insatiable.
"Well, you know how Earth One has twenty-four hours in a day? Well, where I was born, Nova Terra only takes twenty-one hours to spin, so the days and nights are shorter. Giloda is different again, and only takes fourteen hours to rotate."
"But how do you know how old you are if you live on a different planet?"
Andrea laughs. "It's complicated. I have three ages, did you know that? Because Earth One was the first planet humans populated, I keep a track of what my age would be there. However, I also have my Nova Terra age, and then there is Interstellar time."
I laugh quietly, predicting what will be her next question, and sure enough, she doesn't even wait a second to ask it.
"What's Interstellar time?"
Andrea shoots me a look over Cassidy's head, when she hears me laugh, but tolerantly answers, anyway.
"Interstellar time is universal. We have metric segments of time and a date system that the whole of the universe uses, so that everyone is on the same page. Back when interstellar travel first started, it was impossible to coordinate with people, but now we all have connected Comms, it's easier to follow one system. One day, none of us will use local times, I've seen it a lot on other planets lately."
"That… makes sense, but it's also really confusing," Cassidy admits, wrinkling her nose.
Andrea slings an arm around her shoulders. "Life is always confusing and always changing, but that's half of what makes it interesting."
"If you say so," Cassidy replies doubtfully.
I smirk at Andrea, when her face drops at Cassidy's reply, and she sticks her tongue out at me. Child.
The market is fascinating. There are so many foods and aromas that are new to me, and the clothes are like nothing I've ever seen before. Cassidy darts forwards to a stall that sells hats, not even taking a second look at the woman behind the counter. Purple skin and three eyes is something I can't ignore, but Cassidy barely notices her, too fixated on the clothes in front of her.
"Mom, will you please buy me one? I love it! Look, it's my bestest colour."
Andrea speaks to the women behind the counter for a moment, in a language I've never heard before, and then picks up the hat and places it on Cassidy's head.
"It suits you, Cassy. You should get it. Obviously, it's up to your mom if you're allowed it, but if you are, then don't forget you have your own credits now."
"I do?" she asks, mouth open and eyes wide as she stares at the Commander.
"You're a Cadet. You've spent your time learning since you've been on board, like you promised you would." Andrea shrugs, smiling at me slightly sheepishly as she reaches for Cassidy's wrist. "Look. Press 'personal', then 'finance' and then 'crew accounts'. See your name there? Click on that."
She does as she's told, and then stares at Andrea in wonder. "But… but it's so much."
Andrea grins. "It's really not, but you did sign on as a Cadet."
"I thought you were just calling me that!" Cassidy exclaims.
"You've done as much on board as any other recruit would have, and I know you take your workouts seriously. Emily approached me, asking me to pay you as her assistant, but I already had a daily rate being transferred to your account. You've worked hard, Cadet Priestly, and I pay my crew well."
Cassidy throws herself at the Commander, hugging her tightly. "Thank you, Andy."
"You're more than welcome. Like I said, you've earned it. Now, what are you doing about these hats? Are you buying one?" The Commander looks at me for permission, and I nod.
"The blue one! I want the blue one," Cassidy practically squeals, handing the hat to the woman behind the counter, who smiles kindly, revealing a mouth full of sharp pointy teeth. Andrea talks to her for a moment, and I stand back back, letting her teach Cassidy how to transfer her credits with her Comms unit.
We don't have Comms units at home, but we do all carry a similar device that is a rudimentary cross between an Info Glass and the contraption we all wear around our wrists here. Cassidy should know how to pay with credits by now, but truthfully, I haven't been ready for them to grow up. Now I realise it is too late. By the time this is all over, my little girls will be gone. This will have aged them in ways I'm not ready to confront, yet.
With a cheery wave to the woman who sold her the hat, Cassidy takes both our hands, walking between us. "She was so cool. Wasn't she cool, Mom?"
"Yes, darling. Very cool," I reply, trying to contain my smile.
"Are all aliens like that?" Cassidy asks, looking up at Andrea.
"You do realise that here on Giloda, we are the aliens, and not them?" Andrea teases her.
"That's even cooler," Cassidy exclaims. "Do people look like that on every planet?"
"Well, I've not been to every planet, but I have noticed that there is always a similarity to humans. Other lifeforms, or non-humans all seem to move around on two feet, not four like a dog or cat. They always have visible eyes and they use their hands to touch and feel, even if their hands don't look like ours. Most of them communicate with a language made up of sounds, like we do. We're not all that different, really."
"Do we have to go home, when we get Caroline back? Can't we just stay and be your crew?"
"That is a question for your mom, not me, and I think you're probably a little young for most of our missions," Andrea reminds her.
A loud beep makes us all jump and Andrea quickly reads an incoming message, frowning. "Okay, we've got to make tracks. Back to the ship as fast as we can, okay?" she orders, picking up her pace.
"What's going on, Andrea? Why the sudden haste?"
She glances my way and pauses. I know without asking that she's trying to decide whether to tell me, and I nod encouragingly. "Please, just tell me."
"Joss Comm'd. She just got word that Caroline's ship is close by. They've doubled back on themselves after having trouble with their power supply. If we leave now, we might be able to catch them. The resupply is finished, so we're ready to lift off."
I don't waste my energy or my breath with words, gripping Cassidy's hand more tightly and picking up the pace. By the time we get back to the ship, I am exhausted and sweaty. Even with my daily workouts, I am wholly unprepared for moving that quickly. It occurs to me that maybe I should add running to my workouts, even if I hate it.
The launch doesn't steal my breath in quite the same way anymore, and even Cassidy's excitement is tempered. Within a few moments, we are heading up into the atmosphere, and leaving Giloda behind. The moment Andrea gives the signal, my fingers are on the button, releasing me from my straps.
We leave our seats, rushing over to the command console, but Andrea stops us, holding up a hand. "Look, I know you are desperate to see Caroline again, but I'm going to have to ask you both to step down. You can stay in the Cave, but in the seated area only. Stay out of Command, and make sure you're strapped in. It's just a precaution, and if I thought you really needed it, then I would put you back in the launch seats. But still, better safe than sorry."
I'm about to argue, but she cuts me off. "Miranda, don't. Think about what is best for Caroline. I need to be a Commander to my crew and that means I need to focus. There is no room in Command for your emotions. Sit down."
"Fine," I grit out, resting a hand on Cassidy's back and guiding her away. We sit down on one of the sofas, and Cassidy presses a small button on the wall next to us.
"Andy showed me what to do the other day," she explains needlessly, as safety straps appear from out of the sofa itself. "She said we had to be strapped in."
I don't want to be restricted. I want to be in Command, with everyone else. However, Cassidy is staring at me expectantly, so I dutifully strap myself in. I crane my neck, listening to the odd snippets of conversation that reach me from the front of the ship. I've never seen Andrea in Commander mode before, and it's eye opening. She looks human but she speaks and functions robotically. She's clinical and analytical, and I almost hate her for making me sit here while my daughter's life and wellbeing hangs in the balance.
As Andrea flips through information screens, her crew talks quietly, and I strain my ears but I can't hear what they are saying. Jocelyn leans towards the Commander, and then, for the first time since we came on board, I see Andrea take the controls in her hand. So far, we have always been on autopilot, so I have to wonder what is happening to make her switch to manual.
"Stay here," I instruct Cassidy, as I unstrap myself and creep forwards. Andrea spots me straight away, I know she does, but she remains quiet, her focus entirely on a small dot on the screen in front of her.
Serena gets up from her seat, and comes to stand with me. "Is that Caroline's ship?" I ask.
She nods. "They didn't wait for repairs to be done, they just swapped it out for a smaller ship. There can only be a small crew on board, these ships are not designed for transport. I would guess that they have Caroline but maybe she is on her own."
The ship shudders and we are thrown backwards slightly as Andrea accelerates. "You really should be strapped in," Serena chides me.
"So should you, Lieutenant."
"Fuck it," Andrea growls, slapping her hand down on the console. "They're going in."
"Going in?" I repeat, looking to Serena for clarification.
"Tassian's Belt. It's like Saturn's rings, in your own solar system. A belt surrounding the next planet that is made up of billions of pieces of ice."
"And it's bad? That they have gone in?"
Andrea's voice cuts us off before she can reply. "Run the predication, Serena."
Serena steps forwards, tapping at the screen, and then sighs. "Ninety-two percent chance of a collision, twelve percent chance of a catastrophic."
"Fuck!" Andrea repeats, a scowl appearing on her face. "Okay, I'm pulling back."
"What?! Andrea, no. You can't let them get away!" I blurt out, putting my hand out to stop her touching the deceleration controls.
"It's not safe, Miranda."
"That's my daughter on board. If it's not safe for us, then it's not safe for her."
Her eyes flash at me. "You don't have any idea what you're talking about, Miranda. Stand down."
"Andrea, I must insist."
She shakes my hand off, and goes to pull back on the deceleration lever, but I can't control my body, slapping her hands away and holding onto the lever with all my might. I can't think of anything but the fact that the ship with my daughter on is right up ahead and Andrea is trying to slow down.
"Miranda," she snarls, ripping my hands away. "Back the fuck down, I won't tell you again." She pulls back on the lever, and I feel the ship's speed drop away. I don't recognise the sound of despair that leaves my mouth, making one last ditch attempt to take the controls.
"Take her to the Brig," Andrea says coldly, and there is ice in her eyes where only a moment ago they were all fire.
Doug steps towards me, grasping my arm firmly. "Miranda, it would be better for Cassidy if you come willingly. I don't want to scare her."
No, this can't actually be happening. I look to Andrea, who is staring at me, eyes glittering dangerously. "Andrea, please. Don't do this."
She turns away, turning her attention back to the screen. "Get her out of here, Doug."
He leans towards me, whispering in my ear. "It's best to do what you're told. She'll calm down, eventually, but you just endangered the whole crew, and both of your daughters. That's going to be difficult for her to forgive any time soon."
I nod, exhaustion taking over now the adrenaline has worn off and the horror of what I just tried to do, starts to sink in. What was I thinking? I don't even know how to fly a ship, only how to go faster or slow down. How could I have been so reckless?
"I'm sorry. I should never have done that," I apologise, allowing him to lead me from the room. I smile reassuringly at Cassidy, who seems to have missed what happened, too busy reading something on the Info Glass in her hands.
"Look, if it had been safe, Andy would have gone in, but the fact is that the ship Caroline is on is much smaller and made for speed and manoeuvrability. We didn't stand a chance."
"But-"
"No, Miranda. There is no 'but' in this situation. What do you think would have happened if we had chased them into Tassian's Belt? They would have sped up, maybe got careless in their attempt to get away from us. Chasing them was only ever going to put Caroline in more danger. You might not see it, but Andy made the right call."
The remaining fight leaves my body, as we reach the door to the brig, a compartment I never thought I would find myself inside of. He swipes the panel with his Comms unit, and steps aside. "In you go, Miranda. If you need anything, then let me know. Your Comms unit will still work, but I don't suggest you try to contact the Commander. Give her a moment to calm down."
I nod, resigned to my fate as I step inside. "Will you keep an eye on my daughter for me? Please?"
He smiles gently. "I'll tell her you are not feeling well and need to lay down. Don't worry, you'll be out of here before you know it."
"Thank you, Douglas," I whisper, as the doors close. The room is small and bare, with a single bed along one side. With no other option, I sit, leaning back against the cool carbon walls. I don't want to give in, I don't want to cry, but tears are soon careening down my cheeks in warm rivulets. I slump to the side, curling into a ball, and cry myself to sleep.