Chapter Seventeen
The Day Before You

The energy in the air was electric as I stood in my usual spot, waiting for my cue. I still had a few minutes, the lights off on the stage as stage hands ran around, making sure everything was in place. I took a deep breath, holding on to the mic in my hand. My heart was beating out of my chest but I knew it wasn't because of the performance. It was because I knew that Tommy was in the audience again. And because everything that Jason had said to me was still playing on repeat in my mind. Had he been right? Did I already know who I wanted to be with? I wasn't sure. It sounded so easy to just agree to be with one or the other but I knew it would be messy to end things with Tristan and try with Tommy. For starters, Tristan was in my band. He had a twelve-month contract as well, meaning that if we broke up I would still need to see him on tour for the rest of the year. Or he would just up and quit on me at the beginning of the tour, leaving me to deal with the wrath of the executives as to why we had no guitarist. I may be able to play but nowhere near as good as Tristan.

"Hey." Shayna said, appearing next to me. "You ready for this?"

"Yeah." I lied.

"Good. Your friends are in the VIP section on the right side of the stage. They asked if you could meet them at the bar in the hotel after the show."

"Okay. I can do that." I replied, nodding.

"I'll let them know." She hesitated, pulling something from her pocket. She held out a folded piece of paper to me. "I was asked to deliver this to you."

"By who?"

"Guess you'll have to ready it to find out." She smirked before walking off. I quickly opened the folded paper and instantly recognized Tommy's hand writing. Meet me on the upper balcony after your show, was scrawled across it quickly. I stared down at the paper, seeing my hands shake slightly. This was it. This was Tommy wanting to talk finally. I wished he had waited until after the show to have Shayna deliver the note. I folded it back up and tucked it into the back pocket of the black pants I was wearing. Closing my eyes, I pushed all those thoughts out of my mind as the band started to play the beats for my intro. I needed tonight to be about the music. After it was over, I'd go back to trying to solve the mystery of my love life.

After bursting onto stage, I performed the first half of the concert without an issue. We went through the acoustic session as well, Tristan playing the guitar next to me as I sang. After that was over, we went into the faster upbeat songs as I danced around on stage. The crowd was really alive tonight, everyone dancing and jumping to the music as they sang along to every word of every song. It was a great feeling seeing rows of people belting out the words to songs that I wrote. As I came to the middle of the stage to head into the last two songs, I finally dared my first glance over at the VIP section. I saw a group of like five executives that were in attendance. They sat in plush chairs as the concert played. In the row in front of them, my friends and Tommy stood. Jason had his arm over Trini's shoulders as they swayed to the beat. Billy had his camera out again, taking snap shot after snap shot. Zack was clapping his hands along with the beat of the drum.

And Tommy locked his eyes with mine.

"I thought I moved on, found a love so true. But in my heart, there's a feeling I can't undo. Every time I see you, memories flood my mind. I can't deny it now, I've been blind. I'm with someone else, but my heart's still torn. Caught in this battle, I feel so worn. Trying to be loyal, trying to be true. But deep down inside, it's still you." I sang, my eyes never leaving Tommy's. "I'm torn between two hearts, it's tearing me apart. Caught in this tug of war, I can't ignore it. The love we had before, it's knocking on my door. I can't help but realize, it's still you."

As I looked at Tommy, I knew that the words I was singing were true. It was one of the songs that I hadn't written ironically enough and was on one of my older albums. My every word I sang mirrored how I felt in my heart. Even though I knew I was still in love with Tommy and probably would always be, I knew there was no way to go about this without hurting Tristan or Tommy. I'd either pick Tommy and break Tristan's heart or I'd stay with Tristan and chance losing Tommy for good this time. I cared about both of them and didn't want to see anyone get hurt.

"I thought I moved on, built a life so grand. But in my soul, there's a love that won't disband. Your laughter, and your smile, haunt my dreams. I can't deny it now, it's more than it seems. I'm with someone else, but my heart's still torn. Caught in this battle, I feel so worn. Trying to be loyal, trying to be true. But deep down inside, it's still you." I went into the chorus again, noticing that Tommy stood still as he watched me. I thought about him, Xander, and Ethan and how their little family was so broken right now after the loss of Kat. I thought about what it would be like to come home at the end of the tour to people rather than an empty house. The idea of family vacations, movie nights, and Sunday morning breakfasts together flooded my mind and the realization that I wanted all of these things and never knew it. I wanted to be with Tommy and be a family with them.

"I don't want to hurt the one I'm with. But I can't deny this feeling that persists. Oh, I wish I could turn back time. To when you were mine, and I was yours, in our prime. In the midst of confusion, I find clarity. I can't deny it now, this love is my reality. I'll face the truth, no matter how tough. For in my heart, you'll always be enough. It'll always be you." The song trailed off, the lights cutting out on that part of the stage. I hesitated for a moment, still looking at Tommy but knew he couldn't see me. I watched as he exchanged a glance with Jason who clearly knew more about something than he had informed me of. I shifted, turning to head to my next cue.

After the concert was over, I had to play nice and make small talk with the executives for about half an hour. I finally managed to pull myself away with promises I would be at the cocktail party the next night. Shayna covered for me, allowing me to slip out and head to the hotel. The balcony was located on the mezzanine floor of the hotel, three floors from the lobby. It was also where guest relations and the spa were located. I managed my way passed fans who were also staying in the hotel and made it to the elevators by myself. As it rose, I thought about what I was going to say and how I was going to express it to him. I was still confused but knew that Tommy had something he needed to tell me. Maybe letting him lead would be the smart thing right now.

I walked through the reception area of guest relations and saw there were no people here due to the late hour I was sure. I cut across and headed towards the glass doors that went to the large balcony. When I stepped through, I saw that there was one person up here and that Tommy was that person. He was perched on the railing, his legs dangling over the side as he held the railing in his hands. His hair was down now, the whisps of it floating in the wind. He looked down at the strip, his eyes lost in thought as he looked like a guardian of the city. It reminded me of the times I would find him in the hangar at the Command Center, deep in thought about a battle we had narrowly won by or how to defeat Zedd's monster of the week. I took a deep breath, wanting to remember this moment forever depending on what the outcome would be. I was having flashbacks from before where I assumed he didn't want to be with me.

"Hey, Tommy." I said in a soft voice. He looked over his shoulder at me, looking surprised that I came.

"Hey. Great show tonight." He said, coming to his senses.

"Thanks. I was trying my best to hurry things up because I knew I didn't get much time with you guys." Walking over, I leaned against the railing and faced the doors. He continued to face the other way, our shoulders touching slightly.

"I'm sure that executives won't like that one." He said.

"Eh. Probably not. That's what I have Shayna for though. She'll deflect them towards someone else until I do something else to make them upset. It's a cycle." Crossing my arms, I looked over at him. "Are you enjoying yourself?"

"Yeah. I called my mom to check on the boys. They said hello to you. I think they are still a little bummed they didn't get to tag along this time."

"I'll have to have them come to another show. I'm playing in Nashville in a month and a half. Maybe that will be a great time to have you guys come down to visit with me. It'll be before school starts up at least."

"I'm not sure that would be a good idea," Tommy said.

"Why? Do you guys have something else going on around then? We can make it another time." He shook his head, gazing out at the strip. Car horns beeped and the lights from the buildings twinkled together. Even though it was almost midnight, it felt like the middle of the night with all the glow from the street.

"Did you tell Tristan about our relationship?" He asked, finally turning his head to face me. I was taken a back by his question.

"What?" I asked.

"Your boyfriend." He stated. "Did you tell him that we used to date?"

"Well…no," I replied. "It's never come up in conversation. Why?"

"That makes sense." He muttered under his breath, shaking his head and looking off into the distance again.

"What makes sense?"

"Nothing. Just something that happened earlier. That's all."

"Why? Did he say something to you?"

"Was he supposed to?" He asked, casting a glance at me.

"No. I just wasn't sure if that's what you meant."

"Why are you here?" He asked me.

"What are you talking about? You asked me to meet you here."

"I know. Why did you come?" He gave me an expectant look, waiting for my response. I tried to read his expression but it was a hard mix I couldn't figure out.

"I don't know." I breathed, looking away from him when I couldn't take the eye contact anymore. "It seemed like that thing I should do since you came here to see me." He let out a little laugh.

"I came to Vegas to see you because I wanted to be honest with you. All I've been thinking about for the last month was how I was going to stand here and tell you how I felt and how I wanted to make things work again. But when I got here, I realized that I had forgotten something in the scenario. How was I going to do all that in good conscious when I remembered that you still had a boyfriend?" He turned, standing up from the railing. "It would be repeating the same mistakes we did the last time we saw each other. I couldn't do that to another person."

"This isn't the same thing," I stated, standing up.

"No? So you plan on breaking up with him today then?" He asked. I opened my mouth to speak but I couldn't. Guilt hit me like a tidal wave. I didn't want to just break up with Tristan, did I? Would that be fair to him? "I didn't think so. Ya know, for a guy you don't even want to live with, you sure seem to like dragging him along."

"Dragging him along?" I asked, narrowing my eyes at Tommy. "What the hell is that supposed to mean? I'm not dragging anyone."

"Then why won't you move in with him? Why is it that whenever we talk about him, you state that it's not as serious to you as it is to him? You make him sound like a casual fling or a friend more than anything. Why don't you want to commit to him if you aren't sure why you won't break up with him?"

"It's not that simple and of all people, you should know that. Look at you and Katherine! You stayed with her even though you knew you didn't feel the same way about her. Yet you want to preach at me for doing the same thing as you? Yes, I have lingering feelings for you, but I've moved on and found happiness with someone else. It's not about stringing him along; it's about trying to make things work with someone who's been there for me."

"I get that you've moved on, Kim, but it's obvious that your heart hasn't completely let go of our past. You can't deny the chemistry that still exists between us. By staying with Tristan, you're denying yourself the chance to find true happiness and lying to yourself and him."

"Tommy, I admit that we had something special in the past, but we also had our fair share of challenges. It took me a long time to heal and move on, and I genuinely care for Tristan. He's been supportive and understanding throughout my healing process. I can't just throw away a meaningful relationship for the sake of what-ifs and nostalgia."

"Nostalgia?" He asked, looking hurt. "Is that all you think of this? Are you giving him the love and commitment he deserves, knowing that deep down, you're still in love with someone else? It's not fair to any of us involved. True happiness lies in being honest with yourself and those around you."

"I am being honest with myself. I've accepted that our chapter has ended, and I've chosen to move forward. I've invested time and emotions into this relationship, and it's not fair for me to abandon it just because I still have some lingering feelings for you. I owe it to myself and my boyfriend to give this relationship a fair chance. This shit isn't as black and white as you're making it out to be!" I exclaimed.

"Well, I can't keep ignoring how I feel!" He yelled. "I've done it for about eight years now and it's starting to get real fucking old. I've been the second choice in your life every damn time and I don't even know why I keep trying to justify it to myself."

"Second choice? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"Let's see; you left me for the Pan Globals. You left me for another guy. You left me for your career. Now, you are picking another guy again. It's like I keep learning the same lesson over and over again but it's not sticking for some damn reason."

"You've got to be kidding me." I said, shaking my head as I took a couple of steps away from him. "Again and again, you throw that damn letter back in my face from when we were younger. I was a kid! We were kids! I didn't know if I was making the right choices or not! I was just trying my best to do what I thought was best for everyone. It clearly worked since you moved right on with Katherine and ended up married with two kids! And I thought you were trying to tell me that you were staying with Kat. You never corrected me so how was I supposed to know that was how you felt? I'm not a mind reader, Tommy!" I felt tears well up in my eyes as I scoffed. "God, what does this even matter for anyway? It doesn't matter what we do or say. There's something in this universe that doesn't want us to be together. You can hate me as much as you want or wish I never came back into your life. Honestly, it probably would have been easier that way."

"Kim…" Tommy took four strides with his long legs, closing the gap between us. Cupping my face in his hands, he pressed his lips against mine in a heated kiss. My fingers instinctively coiled themselves into his hair, clinging on to him like a life preserver in a hurricane. The warmth of him felt like a familiar blanket being placed over me, one that I never wanted to let go. When he did pull away finally, we were both panting for breath as he pressed his forehead against mine. "I could never hate you. You walking back into my life that day at the church was the best thing that could ever happen to me."

"I've tried so hard to move on, to let go of what we had. But every time I see you, it's like my heart is being pulled back to you. I don't know how to handle it." I whispered, a tear sliding down my cheek.

"Being around you stirs up emotions I thought I had buried. I can't deny that I still love you, and it's tearing me apart to see you with someone else."

"I can't do this," I whispered, shaking my head out of his grasp. I couldn't. The thought of Tristan came back to me. I couldn't do this behind his back. It wasn't fair to him. I thought of the boys, Ethan and Xander. I couldn't do this to them either until I knew for sure. I couldn't rope them into this. After everything they've been through, I couldn't break Tommy's heart and leave them with a broken Tommy like I had done in the past. They deserved the best of Tommy, someone that I haven't brought out in a long time.

"What?" Tommy asked.

"Tommy…I can't. I can't give you what you want." I whispered, another tear slipping out my eye. "What you deserve."

"I think I can make that judgment call." He said, reaching for me. I shook my head, keeping myself out of his reach.

"No, you can't. I can't be the person you need me to be. That the boys need me to be. Not yet."

"I can't believe this." He said, glaring at me. "After all of this, everything I said and what you said, it still falls back to Tristan, doesn't it?"

"You don't understand-."

"No, I do perfectly." He snapped. "You're picking the guy you can't even decide to be with over a chance of happiness. Like always, Kimberly, you're putting yourself first."

"You know what, Tommy? Why don't you go to hell?" I hissed, balling my fists. "Stop pretending you know everything about my life and kindly go fuck yourself." I shot him another glare before turning on my heal, heading for the doorway.

"Send Tristan my best wishes!" He called to my back. I yanked the door open, storming through it as tears slid down my face. I ran to the elevator, hitting the button repeatedly until the doors opened. I climbed on, seeing that Tommy was still standing where I had left him through the glass doors. The elevator started to descend down to the lobby. I did my best to wipe at the tears, holding back the ones that were threatening to fall.

When the doors opened, I took a right and found myself on the outside of the hotel bar. From the open doorway, I could see Zack, Jason, and Billy playing pool in the corner of the room. I also spotted Trini sitting at the bar. She had a glass with clear liquid in front of her that she was sipping with a stirring straw. I walked into the bar, beelining it for Trini. When I approached, I tossed my clutch purse on the bar top which caused her to jump slightly in surprise.

"Oh! Hey, Kim." She said, eyeing me as I sat on the stool next to her.

"Hey," I muttered.

"Have you been crying?" She asked, leaning towards me. I nodded, gesturing to the bartender at the other end of the long bar that I wanted a vodka on the rocks.

"Yep. Just had a great talk with our old fearless leader. It'll never amuse me how much Tommy has been able to piss me off by acting like he knows everything about every aspect of my damn life."

"Oh no. What happened?" She asked as the bartender brought me my drink. I downed it quickly, welcoming the burn at the back of my throat.

"He told me he came here to tell me he loved me and wanted to be with me but then accused me of stringing Trsitan along."

"I'm sure he didn't mean it like that," Trini stated. I shook my head, holding up a finger.

"He said that word for word," I replied. "He's acting like I forced him to come here to see me with Tristan or something. When I've been trying my best to make sure that wasn't happening."

"Kim, I really think Tommy is just trying to be honest with you about how he felt. I think you guys will be able to work things out. You both just need some time to cool down. You can talk in the morning."

"I don't even think I want to see him right now. He just told me that he's been hiding his feelings for me for eight years. Why didn't he just tell me then? Why didn't he think to pick up the phone to tell me he still wanted to be with me?"

"Would you have answered?" She asked, causing me to pause and look at her. That's when I saw she had that same cool and steely look on her face that she got before.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked. "Did I do something to you that I'm not aware of? You've been acting so cold towards me since I've returned."

"It's nothing." She said, sipping her drink.

"No, it clearly is something for you to act this way every time I talk to you." She sighed, setting her glass down.

"Fine. You want to do this, let's do this." She squared her shoulders, turning to face me. "Tommy wasn't the only person you left behind when you moved away, Kim. We all became parts of your past when you decided you wanted to run away from him."

"That isn't true at all." I said.

"No? When was the last time you called any of us to check in to see how we're doing?" She asked.

"I call you at least once a month!" I exclaimed.

"To talk about your life." She said. "We talk about your job mostly and that's it. You barely ask how I'm doing or what's been going on around here. Instead, it's the Kimberly Show every single time I pick up the phone."

"You're not being fair," I said. "How am I supposed to know what's going on if you don't tell me?"

"Why would we tell you when you act like you barely care enough to even ask?" She questioned. "Do you even know what's been going on with everyone? Do you know that Billy is going to lose his house next month because of foreclosure? Did you know that Aisha and Rocky are heading toward a divorce because of the baby they lost last year? Or that Zack struggled like Hell a couple of months ago when he was trying to make it as an actor? Do you even know where Adam is right now? It's like the moment you left here, we became an afterthought to you unless Tommy was somehow involved in what we had to say."

"I'm one person. What was I supposed to do? Rush home every time someone had an issue going on? I can't be expected to do that."

"But you did for Tommy," Trini said, sliding out of her chair. She tossed a couple of ones on the bar for the bartender. "By the way, Jase and I are pregnant. Our fertility treatments finally worked. Not that you knew we were even having troubles. You never call to ask me" She scooped up her things from the top of the bar, putting the strap of her purse over her shoulder. "Maybe the next time you get mad at Tommy for assuming he knows something about your life, keep in mind that he's been fighting to get back into it since you left. He just didn't know how to go about it. None of us know who you are anymore, Kim. And you're the only person to blame for that." She said before walking out.