Chapter 1: Conditions
Jacob's note: Hi Bella, sorry about getting you supergrounded. But Sam says we still can't hang out until you break up with your vampire boyfriend. Which sucks, since he seems like a great guy. Hey, maybe when you're not grounded, we could…oh, right, Sam. Well, see you around Bella…maybe. Hopefully.
Bella: Surely he knows that's not going to happ… *smells smoke* What the hell is that? Is the house on fire?
Charlie: *from downstairs* Don't worry about the smell, I'm just making spaghetti, and I put the sauce in the microwave to heat it up.
Bella: …wait, doesn't spaghetti sauce come in a ca… *explosion*
*later*
Charlie: How was I suppose to know putting metal in the microwave was a bad idea?
Bella: You're in your mid-40s. How did you not know that?
Charlie: I'm a man, Bella. Give me a steak or a pizza and half a dozen beers, and that's a meal right there.
Bella: Right…so why were you trying to cook tonight?
Charlie: Because there's something I wanted to talk to you about.
Bella: Is it about how I'm grounded until the invisible man in the sky dies?
Charlie: Actually, it is. I got given a note today that apparently God is dead, and we, as humanity, killed him.
Bella: …wow, of all the places to get a Nietzsche reference, you were NEVER on that list.
Charlie: So, I'm unsupergrounding you…
Bella: About time.
Charlie: …on the condition that you spend time with people other than your boyfriend…
Bella: I suppose I can make time for them.
Charlie: …including Jacob.
Bella: That might be a problem.
Charlie: Look, just because he snitched on you…
Bella: Which he had no need to do.
Charlie: …doesn't mean you shouldn't give him another chance. Especially since he was very right to do so.
Bella: Why are you so insistent on this?
Charlie: Because I like that kid more than Edward. You could say I'm Team Jac…
Bella: NO! None of that! Shame on you.
Charlie: In any case, I'd rather have that kid around here than Edward.
Bella: Yes, I'd sure you'd like having a non-white, naked, horny teenager with chiselled abs around your 18-year-old daughter.
Charlie: …wait a minute…
Bella: Hey, is that my mail?
Charlie: Don't worry, I've already opened it to make sure there's nothing illicit in there.
Bella: Isn't that a federal offence?
Charlie: You forget Bella, I AM the law in this town.
Bella: And it's debatable if that's a good thing or not *opens her letter* Huh, I got in to the University of Alaska.
Charlie: Good work Bella. I mean, I would prefer you got something in America, but still, that's pretty good.
Bella: Dad, Alaska is in America.
Charlie: Then why do they feel the need to hide behind Canada from us?
Bella: Probably the fact that 2023 has already had 60 mass shootings. And that Kieran had to update that number from 59 when he initially wrote that statistic. And the fact that he knew he'd have to update that statistic when he uploaded the chapter.
Charlie: They need to man up and help us boost those numbers.
Bella: No, they don't *doorbell rings* That'll be Edward.
Charlie: I'll go get Old Betsy *gets up and goes to the hall closet*
Bella: It's not going to do much good *goes and opens the door*
Edward: Hi Bella *immediately tilts his head to the right as a shotgun blast goes right past his ear, then tilts it back* How are you going?
Charlie: Damn it, how does he always know to do that?
Bella: This is how you've greeted him for the last two months. How are you surprised that he knows to do that?
Charlie: *sighing* There's always tomorrow, I guess *goes to watch TV*
Edward: So…I brought more college application forms.
Bella: How are there still colleges that are still accepting at this point?
Edward: You forget: Carlisle is VERY rich. In fact, Forbes declared him the third richest fictional character behind Smaug and Scrooge McDuck.
Bella: Ah, that's how.
Edward: Also, I'm trying to take your mind off the murder machine in Seattle.
Bella: Victoria's in Seattle?
Edward: Huh? Oh, no, we have no idea where she is.
Bella: Seems kind of odd when your family has a mind reader and a future reader at their disposal, but whatever.
Edward: But yeah, there's a newborn vampire rampaging around Seattle and killing a ton of people. But I'm trying to keep your mind off that by not mentioning it.
Bella: Can't say you've done the best job of it.
Edward: …oops.
Bella: Anyway, dad said I was unsupergrounded.
Edward: I know, I'm the one that gave him a page from The Gay Science.
Bella: Really? That's what the book's called? Anyway, I'm unsupergrounded, as long as I spend time with people other than you…
Edward: I suppose we do spend a lot of time together.
Bella: Including Jacob.
Edward: …look, I don't oppose it, but I get a feeling the other wolves do.
Bella: Yeah, plus I'm still kinda pissed about him ratting on me in the first place.
Edward: Which sucks, he seems like such a nice guy. Like the sort of guy we'd have babysit our kids one day.
Bella: Pfft, kids? With you? I don't think that's even possible.
Edward: I know, right? What a silly idea. The biological implications of that would be absolutely mind-boggling.
Bella: But about that newborn vampire…
Edward: It's nothing to worry about.
Bella: But what if Victoria…
Edward: Nothing to worry about.
Bella: Did you know that the more vampires around, the more wolves are made?
Edward: That's interesting, but as I said, nothing to worry about.
Bella: Why do I get the feeling it's something to be very worried about?