Chapter 34 – It's All Too Much for Me
It wasn't the best night's sleep she'd ever had. If anything, Sakura awoke feeling disgusted with herself for several reasons.
Last night was one of her biggest moments of weakness. Not only freaking out so spectacularly in front of all their friends and causing a bar brawl big enough to shut the whole place down, but then proceeding to impulsively call Shisui and take advantage of his previous offer of harbouring her like she was some kind of criminal on the run.
Maybe he'd been right the night before to separate her and Itachi? Was there a chance that alcohol played a part in her decision to fall off the grid?
The anxiety riddled part of Sakura itched with the need to check her phone—just as she'd known she would, hence the decision to leave it switched off in her nightstand's drawer. Still, the questions and possibilities ground at her. Had Sasuke tried to call? Itachi? Did Naruto remember their stupid conversation? Were there photographs posted online again considering Deidara had snapped many? Did she look ridiculous in any of them?
Did she look like a victim?
In a bid to distract herself from the uneasy thoughts that only served to work her up more than anything, Sakura grabbed her bag while Shisui was in the shower and spilled her future onto the coffee table. They were different roads that guided her to the same destination, albeit some journeys more desirable than others. Why choose a beat up car that barely chugged along and promised a painful journey, when she could pick one of the finest forms of transportation that lured her in with the assurance of a journey bathed in luxuries? It was a no brainer, right?
"What's this?"
Sakura spared a glance up at Shisui before looking back to the brochures with an unsettled stomach she fought valiantly to ignore. How long had she been zoned out for? He was now fully dressed in comfortable sweats with his hair half-dried already. "My scholarships—the universities, I mean."
He whistled appreciatively and came to sit by her side on the sofa that would once more double up as his bed for a second night. Sakura tried to argue that she was already imposing on him, so the least she could do was take the sofa, but Shisui would hear none of it. There was even the excuse of being able to play his games a little longer without feeling guilty when it encroached on precious sleeping time.
"Four different universities expressed an interest in you?" he asked, impressed. Leaning forward to get a closer look, he then asked her, "Which one interests you the most?"
Was he expecting her to say Konoha? Sakura sighed at her ridiculous thought because of course he was. And he was right to. However, it wasn't purely down to the wishes of remaining closer to Sasuke—not anymore.
"Konoha's university has Senju Tsunade-sama. She's like a medical titan."
"Oh?"
Nodding and glancing back to Konoha's brochure, Sakura soon picked it up to flip it over, showing the boastful piece on the back that bragged about her skills and the overflowing numbers of students attending her lectures. The legend was beautiful and, in her photograph, showed a confidence that had a touch of arrogance. Then again, being as talented and successful as she was, Sakura supposed that gave her every right to grow arrogant over time. She was unrivalled in the medical field.
"Not only does Konoha's scholarship grant me early access to book into her lectures, but I can attend the group gatherings she hosts for others in my position." Her sigh was conflicted as Sakura looked to the other brochures littering Shisui's otherwise neat coffee table, frowning. "Getting even five minutes of Tsunade-sama's time is supposed to be a difficult feat, and within minutes of her lectures being advertised, they're fully booked. If you fail to secure a spot, then you have to wait a whole year to try and attend another."
She set Konoha's leaflet down and reclined back into the sofa. Attending her hometown's university and managing to sit in on just one of Tsunade's lectures was Sakura's goal. For several years it was what pushed her so hard to come out on top, to be number one. Being a doctor was her dream and having the chance to study under someone as renowned as Senju Tsunade was everything to her. She'd even planned on how to impress her during those group gatherings for several years now.
But now…
"Suna has another medical legend—Chiyo-sama," Sakura continued. Gauging her expression for a moment, Shisui soon shifted forward to pick up Suna's brochure, only for his eyes to widen at the offer she'd stapled to the top. The one that was so remarkable she wavered for the first time in years when it came to her dream goals. "If I choose Suna, I will be studying under Chiyo-sama exclusively."
"That's…!"
"An amazing offer," she said when words failed him. "I just… I really had my heart set on Tsunade-sama, you know?"
If she chose Tsunade, however, the likelihood of breaking that damned cycle she was trapped in was virtually impossible. Not only was Konoha the university Sasuke had to attend, but their greatest sponsor was none other than Fugaku. Itachi warned her months prior that his father had a sickening amount of control, the funds he pooled into the university granting him a say in how it was run. There was every chance her scholarship was even funded by him.
An understanding hand clapped to her shoulder before Shisui was trying to hand over Suna's leaflet. Then, like he was reading her mind, he said, "I don't say this to put you off, but be wary of Konoha's offer, Sakura-chan, for there will be strings attached. For now, one of their biggest sources of income comes from my uncle." His sigh was troubled when she didn't take the brochure, and soon he turned it over to show Chiyo's considerably older image. "It's why I decided against furthering my education in that setting even when I was offered that very same scholarship."
She should have known Shisui was another to receive the generous offer. Rather than focusing on that aspect, however, Sakura was forced to face the reality of how crushed Sasuke likely was seeing both Itachi and Shisui receive the number one scholarship, whereas he came second. How harshly had Fugaku and Madara ripped into him for that?
Sakura ducked her head like that alone could banish the weak thoughts that automatically came to mind.
As badly as she wished she could change his circumstances, Sakura knew deep down there was nothing she could do. Giving up her scholarships like they could somehow be transferred to Sasuke wouldn't help matters—he'd grow resentful at having them handed to him. His family more so. What's more, she'd lose her own future in the process because her family relied on those scholarships to further her education.
"Aside from Senju Tsunade, what else is stopping you from choosing Suna?"
The fear of being alone for the first time since… Well, ever. All her life she'd been surrounded by people and even if they weren't the greatest, it still meant she wasn't alone. Even if they were the ones to push her down in the first place, they were still there to pick her back up.
A small burst of panic threatened to restrict her breathing, but Sakura combatted it with the resolute pinching of her fingertips, ignoring Shisui's curious gaze.
Moving abroad was daunting as hell. Each time Sakura considered it, a solid lump that steadily grew in intensity was shoved onto her chest. No family, no friends. Forced to fend for herself. Trying to navigate through a foreign town. New culture; different food, strange customs.
"Sakura—"
"What if I can't handle it?" she blurted out, wide eyed and barely controlling her breathing.
A mixture of pity and anger swirled in his eyes as Shisui assessed her state, though she was thankful that he didn't try to touch her in any way and instead granted her space. It allowed Sakura to calm herself down in her own time, and she did so with the breathing techniques and the pinching of her fingertips, just as Kakashi taught her to.
"What makes you think you can't?" he shot back.
"Because…" Sakura shook her head and gestured to her body, features twitching. "Look at me! And last night, I…" She stood up to try and quell the burst of restlessness within, soon pacing in front of Shisui. "You saw me, right? You saw how badly I…"
"Rely on Itachi?" At Sakura's whine of shame and despair, he quirked an eyebrow but made no move to intervene with her pacing or baby her with comfort. "Yes, I did."
"It's stupid—"
"No, it's not," he asserted firmly. Shisui's arms came to his thighs, posture relaxed and open—completely unlike the night before when he was still on duty. In that moment, he boasted an aura of calmness, almost reminding Sakura of an open discussion with a family member she was comfortable with. It reminded her that he did consider her as family. "I told you before that I've seen cases like yours many times. Too many times."
The weight behind his words prompted her to come to a standstill, though she was thankful that breathing was becoming an easier task now.
"Each victim of abuse reacts differently, and they heal in their own way, in their own time."
Victim.
There was that damned word again.
But she refused to succumb to the same gut-wrenching emotions as the night before, because she wasn't a victim. She wasn't. And screw anybody who wanted to label her as such.
"Some seek comfort in the arms of others," Shisui continued at length. It relieved Sakura to find no judgement in his eyes. "While he certainly has flaws of his own, Itachi is perhaps one of the gentlest people I know." He dipped his head to capture her attention just as it began to drift away, and he offered a small, knowing smile. "The only thing capable of pushing his buttons is when those he cares for are in harm's way, and I know you've seen those buttons be pushed."
…Yes, she had. Several times. It was a type of rage that was somehow scarier than Sasuke's for nobody really saw it growing—not until he was already exploding and reacting to whatever had set him off. Itachi kept it carefully contained within himself and successfully led them all to believe he had endless patience. She couldn't learn how to read the warning signs if he never showed them.
Shifting forward in his seat and watching her in understanding, Shisui then added, "It's natural for you to seek comfort from the person who makes you feel safe, Sakura-chan."
No, she wasn't about to start excusing her actions. Cheating on Sasuke was wrong—the other person being his brother made it a hundred times worse. At some point, even if they did go their separate ways and never spoke another word about it, it was going to be revealed. The truth always came out.
Alongside the ever-present panic at such a terrifying outcome, Sakura was broken to realise a part of her wanted it out there, even though she knew it meant losing those she cared for. It was going to hurt everyone involved and Sakura knew she would without a doubt deserve the anger and resentment thrown her way, but… Shit, she just wanted it all to be over.
She didn't want to feel trapped anymore.
"Suna sounds like it could be the fresh start you need," Shisui insisted softly at the drawn out silence, standing so that he could close the distance between them. Then, with that same gentleness, he placed the brochure into Sakura's hands and held it there until she accepted it, their eyes meeting. "Think it over."
She was.
Not only had Sakura been saving for several years but so had her parents. Collectively, they covered the costs of living and studying in Suna for a few years and by that time, she could be earning an intern's salary. Well, that was providing she lived within her means, of course.
"I need to get ready for work," Shisui announced with a sigh. He paused in going to change into his uniform, watching her for a moment. "Will you be okay?"
Probably not, knowing her shitty state of mind.
Lying, Sakura said instead, "Yeah."
She had to be.
Hiding away at Shisui's apartment was refreshing.
While he worked, Sakura took a long, hot bath that left her red and wrinkly but so relaxed once she was out of it. Then, she reheated one of the containers out of the refrigerator and sent out mental thanks to whichever neighbour it was who cooked the delicious meal for Shisui. So that she wasn't an awful guest just leeching off him, Sakura made sure to tidy up after them both before curling up on his sofa with a movie playing on the ridiculously large television, the sound of his washing machine whirring in the background relaxing.
As she'd thought as such the night before: Shisui's apartment felt comfortable and relatable in the sense that it was within her own bracket. Everything about the Uchiha family had always seemed so unattainable in her eyes, particularly when returning to the average home her parents worked so hard for. But not Shisui's place. Shisui's was…
If she blocked out the few personal effects brightening the place, then it was almost possible to pretend that she'd done it. She was out of Konoha and living independently in a modest apartment that contained everything she needed and more. Life was comfortable.
The brochures were still spread out on the coffee table and continuously captured her attention, making Sakura sigh by the seventh time she caught sight of Suna's in particular.
That scholarship was immense and far outshone the others. Perhaps even Tsunade's, if Sakura stepped out of her fan-girl mindset. The tuition expenses of the entire degree were covered, leaving her to only pay for accommodation, bills and textbooks. Like that wasn't enough, she would be the only apprentice of the legendary combat medic Chiyo—said apprenticeship bringing more money to her bank account, further balancing out the pros and cons between Suna and Konoha.
Biting the inside of her cheek in indecision, Sakura leaned forward to pick up the brochures.
Iwa and Oto couldn't hold a candle to either and were promptly returned, though she found she couldn't part with Suna or Konoha.
This should be a no-brainer.
The dream was to study under Senju Tsunade. The doctor who could seemingly do it all. Performing open heart surgery within her first year as an intern, the first to be told to scrub in from that point on, then once fully licensed, being flown to different hospitals around the world who desperately needed her expertise, always managing the impossible and defying the odds. Like that wasn't enough, like she hadn't already shattered the glass ceiling many times over, Tsunade enlisted in two overseas wars to offer up and sharpen her skills. Everyone in the medical field knew who she was. Studying under her, just attending one lecture, was Sakura's dream.
Then there was Chiyo. Legendary in her own right with decades more experience than Tsunade. Started out as a combat medic exclusively before returning from war and wishing to further herself in the medical field. There were rumours that Chiyo was supposed to take the role of director of Suna's trauma hospital, though upon researching, Sakura discovered it was a board of directors that she was part of, though she did essentially rule over all other surgeons and was the face of their hospital. She also hand-crafted prosthetics for patients who couldn't afford them and went above and beyond to ensure they were the perfect fit. Many affectionately referred to her as 'Chiyo-baa-sama'.
Both doctors were insanely talented, and it would be an honour to study under them.
But…
What was the point if it wasn't what she'd always hoped it to be?
She was too apprehensive to ask about expiry dates on her scholarships. Did the others become void if she took one? Could she transfer to another after a year or two? Was that asking for too much?
Sakura groaned with annoyance towards herself.
It was too much wishful thinking believing she could start her education in Suna and use that time to get over the mess that was her head, then return to Konoha once she was certain she wouldn't crumble.
And how would Sasuke feel throughout it all? Was it wrong for her to consider studying in another country simply to get away from his family? Was she cruel to think they could pick up from where they left off once they were both healed individually? What were the chances that he'd understand her reasoning? Could it make him worse if she basically abandoned him similarly to the way Itachi had?
What about Itachi? After continuously being there for her and taking care of her and even now paying for therapy, how would he feel if she suddenly left without much of a warning? It was a slap in the face, wasn't it? Or would he be happier if she left?
Would she be happier if she left? The tightness of her chest screamed no. Her heart was furious at just the notion of leaving them both behind. But Sakura's mind begged of her to leave while she still could.
Maybe she should have brought her phone after all, Sakura thought miserably. It served as a great distraction from the difficult decisions she had to make, with barely any time left to make them.
Summer was almost over. Usually, it ended far too quickly for her liking and Sakura longed for just a couple more weeks to enjoy the free time with her friends, with Sasuke. That year, she couldn't wait for it to be over. Couldn't wait for her schedule to become so jam packed that she barely even had the time to eat and sleep.
Couldn't screw everything up if she wasn't around.
Maybe, if she was always busy, then Sasuke and Naruto could move on from the night before and repair their friendship. Maybe, if she didn't hang around as much and being triggered by everything, Sasuke would have a better chance of healing. Maybe, if she wasn't around and being such a fucking damsel in distress all the time, then Itachi would have a chance at being a better older brother. Maybe, if she just…
Sakura bit back a small cry at the cruel reality of her situation.
A busy schedule wasn't going to be enough, was it?
So, maybe…
Maybe, if she just…
Shoulders shaking and wiping at her eyes roughly, she looked to the two brochures again.
Maybe if she just didn't exist—
Horror had Sakura dropping the brochures the instant the dark thought formed.
Things were hard. Things were downright terrifying at times. But she didn't want to die, did she? No, how could she when the thought of taking her own life filled her with dread? Surely, she wouldn't fear the act if it was what she truly wanted? And her dreams! She wouldn't be considering what to do with her life or how to do it if she wanted to kill herself.
Thoroughly disturbed and needing a distraction, Sakura scooped up her brochures before heading to the kitchenette with the intentions of grabbing a glass of water. But like fate was trying to tempt her, all she could see were possibilities. Possibilities and causes and reasons and—
"What the hell is wrong with me?" she demanded weakly, collapsing over the sink.
She hated herself for being so fucking weak.
"—stop freaking out, will you? You can't be blowing up my phone at every minor inconvenience."
Aching eyes reluctantly opened at the return of Shisui. One glance at the clock beside his bed informed her it was early in the morning, and Sakura sighed in response.
She couldn't even remember falling asleep the night before, though the crustiness of her sore eyes told her it was after a long bout of pitiful crying. Sadly, much like yesterday, it didn't feel as though she'd rested much and Sakura turned to lay on her side listlessly, focus drifting to the door. Despite how quiet he was trying to be, it was impossible not overhearing Shisui's conversation. His walls were thin.
"I didn't answer because I was working, idiot."
The mental exhaustion that threatened to keep her down despaired when Sakura eventually managed to drag herself out of bed, weighing her down physically as she then neatly made it. Fight through it, Sakura willed herself even while suffering with a serious lack of motivation. We need to get through the darkness, she reminded herself.
"Listen, you little shit. I'll slap you with a restraining order if you call me to order me around like a dog again."
It wasn't said too harshly, but it was what prompted her to properly leave the room to alert Shisui his conversation wasn't private as he likely believed it to be. However, the moment she was joining him, he was quickly signalling for her to keep quiet for a few moments. It let her know that the other person on the phone was either Itachi or Sasuke, though she was willing to bet it was the latter considering the tone used.
"Abuse of power?" he chuckled without humour. Then, confirming her thoughts, Shisui added, "Don't you go there with me, Sasuke. I—" Whatever her boyfriend was saying—or more than likely demanding—had his lips thinning, before Shisui cut him off with a firm, "I assure you, Sakura-chan got home fine. I took her home and watched her go inside myself. Itachi, too." Sakura's eyes widened but she made no move to interrupt the conversation, instead quietly made her way to the kitchenette to brew tea for them both. "I know you're concerned but from what I saw of the other night, it would come as no surprise to me that she needs a break. Give her time."
Guilt swarmed her in sickening waves but Sakura did all she could to push through it. She needed the space. She needed to try and sort her head out. Last night was… It had gotten way too dark for her. Too scary. Too… Too final.
The faint trembling of her hands was able to relax once Sakura glanced around the small apartment to assure herself her thoughts weren't on display somehow.
It couldn't get like last night again.
"I'm sure if her parents aren't concerned then you have no reason to be," Shisui told him in a tone bordering on patronising territory, all the while his gaze met hers demandingly, silently questioning whether she'd told them her whereabouts. Sakura mimicked writing a letter, but in that same moment Shisui slapped a hand to his face. "So, you haven't only blown up my phone, but theirs too. Sasuke—"
It was normal to be concerned at the exasperated lapse into silence, right? To find absolutely zero comfort in Shisui dropping his head back and visibly holding back an agitated groan at whatever it was his younger cousin was telling him. She was right to be worried, right?
Shisui dragged himself over to the stool at the island and sat down heavily like his night shift was only just catching up on him. The sight had Sakura feeling guiltier than ever for burdening him with her drama and heartache, and she knew the tea she set down in front of him couldn't come close to expressing her gratitude for the support.
"You done?" he drawled, though Sakura could tell by the pinching of his brow that it was an act. "Right. So, let me get this straight. Sakura-chan is safely dropped off at her home—confirmed by Itachi when you demanded to know why he didn't bring her to your place with him. She is likely sleeping off a hell of a hangover going off what I saw of her. It's barely been thirty hours since you last spoke with her, yet you felt impelled to bombard not only my phone, but both her parents' phones with calls and messages." Shooting her a pointed look that had Sakura straightening, he added, "Disturbing their camping trip in the process."
Oh, shit.
They still weren't home to read the note she'd left behind, and now she didn't even have her phone to put their minds at ease. Knowing her mother's tendency to overreact to even the smallest of incidents, there was no doubt in Sakura's mind that she would have tried calling it hundreds of times.
Fuck.
Slouching over the island soon after joining Shisui there, Sakura dropped her head into her hands but made a point of leaving her ears uncovered so that she could continue to listen in on the conversation. Was it shady of her to be so laidback knowing Sasuke was going out of his mind with worry? Perhaps. But now she was the one going out of her mind and wanted nothing more than for the call to end so she could contact her parents. As hot and cold as they were with one another as of late, they didn't deserve to be dogpiled with stress. She needed to soothe their concerns so they could continue to enjoy their holiday.
Sighing like he was giving into Sasuke's demands, Shisui muttered, "Fine, fine. Send over their numbers and I'll get to the bottom of it." A pause, then, in a considerably firmer tone of authority that had her instinctively jolting upright like she was the one about to be scolded, "Sasuke. Get yourself together." Sakura frowned over to the stone faced Shisui, shoulders sagging pitifully when he attempted to soften his expression for her sake. "Meeting with Sakura-chan now in this state that you're in is a recipe for disaster. Give it a couple of days." In her mind, it was quiet for far too long as he listened to whatever Sasuke was saying—if he was even saying anything—and by the time Shisui eventually resumed speaking, her restless fidgeting started up again. "Yes. I will let you know if I get a hold of her. Goodbye, Sasuke."
"I'm so sorry," she told him the moment the call cut off. "This is too much—"
"Nonsense." Shisui's phone was situated between them while they waited for the numbers to be forwarded. In the meantime, he chose to appreciate the tea that was brewed for him, though she couldn't help but notice that Shisui remained tense. She found out why moments later when he frowned down at the tea and asked, "Is that his usual reaction to anything not going his way?"
"…I didn't hear—"
The look she was settled with was a don't-try-shitting-me sort of expression. "Sounding like he's barely a second away from imploding."
She didn't need to try and imagine that threatening growl whenever Sasuke was pissed off, or the way he oftentimes gritted his teeth while snapping like he was only just refraining from unleashing a heart shattering verbal assault. All of it was ferociously imprinted both in her mind and heart, enough so that Sakura noticed her hands had already started to tremble during the phone call.
Being an officer experienced in cases like hers, Shisui only needed to assess her jittery body language for a handful of seconds to assume, "Yes, then." The dinging of his phone saved Sakura from finding a way to respond and she was grateful that it was immediately handed over to allow her to call her parents, telling her half-jokingly, "Give them peace of mind before I have my place raided. Do you want me to hang around or would you like privacy?"
Her cheeks coloured at the scolding she knew she was going to get. "I'd rather be yelled at in private if that's okay. I—" The sudden connection of the call had Sakura falling into please-don't-kill-me mode, complete with the faux innocent pitched voice and hesitant speech. "Hey, Mom. I know I should've called…"
Shisui winced at the immediate unleashing of Mebuki's maternal fear and protectiveness that could be heard even two feet away, offering a pat of solidarity to her shoulder before disappearing into his bedroom.
The scolding lasted well over forty minutes but as embarrassing as it was to be yelled at, Sakura couldn't deny a part of her was selfishly relieved. Almost like it confirmed their arguments were just a rough patch and beneath all that nit-picking and frustration, her mother continued to care deeply. Enough so to sound as though she was close to tears when sharing all the horrors going through her mind when waking up to Sasuke's borderline frantic calls.
Although she couldn't know for certain due to his being in another room, Sakura suspected that by the end of the phone call, Shisui was already asleep. She didn't want to intrude to hand his phone back, so merely locked it and set it down on the counter. It pinged a few times while she helped herself to breakfast, but after a much too long fifteen minutes of agonising over checking to see if it was Sasuke, Sakura silenced the alerts and flipped it over so that the screen was hidden.
It wasn't her phone, she told herself resolutely, and with last night being his final night in work for a few days, there was no telling who was reaching out to him. She would rather not be scarred for life or embarrassed far worse than she'd been when seeing the half empty box of condoms in Shisui's bedroom while tidying up (or realising they were removed from sight the next time she entered the room).
Fortunately for her (and most likely Sasuke's) sake, it wasn't long before he emerged from his room, rubbing his eyes tiredly then stretching. She was amused to realise Shisui had forgotten all about her as he sluggishly dragged himself into the bathroom, soon entering the kitchenette once he'd gone about his business to help himself to more tea. It was the pouring of the freshly brewed tea that snapped him back to reality and he promptly looked in her direction, still looking exhausted but more like a deer caught in the headlights.
Sakura couldn't resist erupting into giggles at his expense.
"Sorry," he mumbled with a sheepish chuckle. "I forgot you were here for a second."
She waved him off though continued to giggle even as she approached him in the kitchenette. There was no harm done—he was decent, she was decent. Just mild embarrassment on his behalf.
Leaning forward on the island that separated the kitchen from the living area, Sakura tilted her head to the side as she watched Shisui go about his routine. With the shock wearing off, exhaustion returned at full force and clung to the air around them. It was a wonder how he was even upright when his eyes continued to droop the way they were; part of her felt obligated to take the hot tea from his grasp before he scalded himself.
"Why are you up so soon?" she enquired curiously but with a notable touch of concern. "It's only been a couple of hours."
A light thumping caught his attention just as Shisui made to answer, and his expression softened upon canting his head back and realising it was both the washing machine and tumble dryer. The gratitude was unmistakable when looking back to her and Sakura offered another dismissive wave, since tackling his mountain of laundry was the least that she could do for him.
"I'm back to day shifts in a couple of days," he explained and finally eased the pinch of anxiety by putting his cup down. "I learned the hard way that I need to work on my body clock now if I want to be prepared for my next shift."
Being an adult sucked. "That sounds intense."
Shrugging carelessly, Shisui replied, "No one asks me to alternate. I do it to myself."
"Why?"
"I'm one of the best on the force," he had no hesitation to admit, smirking arrogantly until he continued with a more heartfelt, "I also enjoy being able to help people."
That was the main reason why she wanted to become a doctor: to help people. To become the best in that line of work would be a bonus, though wasn't the end goal. Just one of the steppingstones along the way.
That was too cocky of her, wasn't it?
"Did you move my duffel?"
Sakura straightened at the sudden change of topic. "No, sorry. I didn't know what could be in it, so it's still by the door."
She wasn't about to pretend like she knew the first thing about his work as a police officer. For all she knew, what with his ranking and all, he could take his weapons home with him for whatever reason and with how shitty her luck was, one could be triggered by her carelessness. So, Sakura steered clear.
His grin let her know it wasn't an issue either way, and she found out why when Shisui retrieved the duffel bag and placed it atop the island, taking only a second to reveal his intentions to her. Spotting the bag that belonged to Konoha's only twenty-four-seven superstore had Sakura relaxing with a smile once more.
"I asked a colleague for a list of the best items for a DIY-pamper-pick-me-up kit," came his nonchalant explanation and he plucked a face mask from the overfilled bag. "She told me that above all else on the list, face masks and chocolate are a good way to start relaxing. Sorry, I had to guess which chocolates—"
"It's all great," Sakura assured him, smiling genuinely for the first time in days. "Thank you."
The fact he took a minute to consider how she could relax, never mind going out of his way to purchase those items for her, meant everything to Sakura and she accepted the bag of pamper items happily.
The face mask he'd chosen was more of a clay mask that ideally needed to be applied with a brush (if only to spare her a messy application), and she was impressed to find Shisui had picked one up at the same time. Mood temporarily brightened, Sakura entered the bathroom and set about washing her face and taking the time to apply the clay mask, with extra care around the bruising and split lip. It upset her to find that they shone through the coloured mask, and she felt like a delinquent seeing herself marked up in such a way, shoulders dropping with her disappointed exhale.
How the hell was she supposed to face her parents in a few days' time if they bruising was still present? Sakura leaned forward over the sink to tentatively finger the cut marring her upper lip, grimacing at the brief flash of pain it caused her. Thankfully, the blow to the face hadn't actually broken her nose, though it did manage to gush a gruesome amount of blood when first struck. It was a good thing Shisui was the one to patch her up—
An idea suddenly popped into existence and prompted Sakura to push away from the sink.
Despite how she initially felt that morning, when leaving the bathroom, she was surprised to notice it was now like a weight was slipping off her shoulders being at Shisui's place. Even with how long she'd been with Sasuke she was still uncomfortable wearing face masks or anything that risked making her look odd. With Shisui, it wasn't even a passing thought how ridiculous she likely appeared.
"You know," Sakura mentioned with a lilt to her tone that caused Shisui to pause in his journey to the sofa. A suspicious glance was thrown over his shoulder before he placed his tea down like he was offering her his full attention. Apparently he thought nothing of the face mask either. "There's enough product here for both of us, and I feel you deserve to be pampered just as much as I do."
There wasn't even a second of consideration.
"Ah, who am I to say no to you?" he replied lightly and dropped to the sofa, brushing his hair back to expose the entirety of his face. "Paint away."
Sakura grinned as much as the injury allowed and skipped over to the sofa to apply the mask, marvelling over how relaxed Shisui was. So unlike his relatives, so at peace. She wished both brothers could escape and live their lives like Shisui could.
Like Fugaku would ever allow that.
"Sasuke replied," came his quiet admission just as she'd finished painting his forehead. He nodded at the distracted warning to keep hold of his hair until it was mostly dry, before continuing with, "I told him I managed to get a hold of your parents, who contacted a neighbour, who heard you playing music."
Knowing Sasuke, that likely wasn't enough or if it was then he would be stewing over her silence. The notion of him feeling anxious had her grimacing, and Sakura knew her feelings were obvious because Shisui opened one of his eyes to peer at her understandingly.
"You're doing nothing wrong," he assured her. "You're entitled to space."
"I should have told him—"
"And have him coerce you?"
He had a point there, Sakura thought with a sigh. For a couple of minutes, the only sound to fill the silence was the tapping of the brush entering the tub, or the light strokes of the bristles on his face. Idly, she realised she should have told him to wash his face first, or tie his hair back, but the whole idea was a spur of the moment type of thing.
"I just don't want to cause him unnecessary stress," Sakura informed him finally, frowning when their eyes met again. "He's got a lot going on."
"What about your stress levels?" Shisui countered easily. Tipping his head upwards so that she could smoothly apply the product around his eyes, he offered a troubled sigh. "Do you do anything for yourself hobby-wise?"
She paused at that and contended, "I work out and play games—"
"Both of which came from Sasuke, right? That's all he ever does nowadays."
Taking a moment to consider it, Sakura soon shook her head and continued the last few brushes. "It doesn't matter how they started. His hobbies became mine—there's nothing wrong with that." Another pause, then perhaps with a tad too much defensiveness to her tone, "Plus there was the whole modelling experience. I didn't mind that."
If he believed her to be too defensive, Shisui didn't mention it. Instead, he asked, "Will you pursue it?"
She shrugged noncommittedly. "I got an offer from one of Itachi's friends who's a photographer. He wants me to model for him like I did for Kurotsuchi-san."
"The blond guy, right?"
"Yeah."
"You should do it," he encouraged.
"Really?"
"Hell yeah." He grinned proudly at her and added, "Itachi showed me the photographs and I've never seen you look more comfortable with yourself."
Shisui had seen the photographs? "All of them?"
There was a sheepish chuckle that appeared more of a wince, like he'd only just grasped how damning those photographs really appeared. Or even worse, Sakura realised at his concerned assessment of her, was the likelihood of Itachi mentioning her spectacular breakdown over said photographs (again down to how damning they looked).
"What's the worst that can happen if you do model again?" Shisui questioned rather than continued that branch of the conversation. "I mean, Itachi hated the idea of a photoshoot at first, but when we next spoke about it, he said seeing how confident and happy you seemed helped him enjoy the experience."
That wasn't as reassuring as Shisui likely believed it to be. To her, it sounded as though she'd forced Itachi into taking part and the only reason why he even enjoyed it was because she did. All the while, Sakura had failed to notice that Itachi wasn't sincerely enjoying the experience.
She was so selfish.
"Sakura-chan~" he called out teasingly, knocking her beneath the chin with a light tap of his knuckle. "Get out of your head."
"But Itachi—"
"Is a grown man who chose to partake." Snorting, Shisui settled her with a smirk and demanded playfully, "Do you really think you could ever force Itach into doing something he doesn't want to do? Even being as placid as he is, he's still stubborn as hell."
Her shoulders dropped slightly at the returning weight. There was so much she wanted to ask about Itachi that the questions began a war in her mind, all fighting to be asked first and refusing to believe Shisui may answer them all—or any at all. The battle left her mute for several agonising moments, though she commended herself on managing to steady her hands just as they began to shake.
"His migraines," she eventually forced out, eyes briefly meeting Shisui's curious ones before returning to the tub.
"What about them?"
"He never mentioned them," Sakura told him and frowned. "He should have told me about them."
A troubled sigh was her only response while Shisui shifted in his seat to recline back more comfortably, head falling to the backrest. Everything about him screamed reluctant acceptance and it had Sakura questioning whether it was another issue caused by Fugaku that he wished he could change.
"Trust me, it wouldn't have changed anything," came his quiet admittance, eyes shutting. She took that as a prompt to finish the rest of his mask before it set. Already, hers was hardening and keeping her overly expressive features under control. "I've been on his case for years about lessening his work schedule." Peeking up at her with a snort of disbelief, Shisui added, "Believe it or not, this is nothing compared to his schedule at university. How he found any downtime is beyond me."
Knowing that didn't make her feel any better; it made her ache to alleviate the pressure somehow.
Sakura barely held back her weary sigh once the mask was finished and sat back to make sure she hadn't missed any part of Shisui's calm features. Every inch was as green as her own, only considerably darker in the recently painted spots. Really, she should have gone to rinse the brush before it dried there too, but the dark cloud hovering over her assured Sakura it wasn't the end of the world if that happened. It didn't even bother her to belatedly realise washing her mask off was going to hurt like hell.
"He does it for Sasuke," he eventually told her with a sigh. His eyes remained closed, limbs seeming comfortable but possessing a touch of exhaustion that clung to the air around them, providing a perfect climate that her dark cloud thrived in. "All Itachi has ever wanted was for Sasuke to grow up happy. He never wanted him burdened by the darkness of their parents' marriage."
"And in the process alienated himself, in a sense," Sakura hummed in realisation, troubled. "Whenever Itachi's mentioned in conversation or even hinted at, Sasuke-kun becomes bitter and resentful. He hates that he feels like he can never compare to him." Shisui didn't seem surprised in the least, merely nodded dejectedly. "Itachi worked overtime trying to keep Fugaku-san's spotlight off Sasuke, trying to protect him from that toxicity, and it never occurred to him that Sasuke wouldn't see it that way."
Did it stir up any regrets for him? Did returning to Konoha make Itachi realise he couldn't have the best of both worlds as he'd originally thought? Leaving to study at a university Fugaku had no hold over and attempting to balance it out by literally making himself ill working so hard, all the while believing it would keep Fugaku's negative attention and unbearable bullying ways away from Sasuke. It didn't sound like the intelligent man she'd come to know. Either Itachi hadn't factored for Sasuke's resentment (and really Sakura could understand why, since his younger brother had always admired him) or…
Or in his desperation to get out, Itachi deluded himself into believing it would be possible. He couldn't calculate the flaws in his plan because there was that door—the one that promised freedom and independence and happiness. And he wanted it.
He wanted out, Sakura realised with a paralysing bout of understanding.
"It breaks his heart seeing that resentment," Shisui confided in a low, subdued tone. "But not half as much as it does to see the increasing similarities between Sasuke and my uncle."
He wanted out but felt obligated to stay.
Like herself, he couldn't fathom the thought of leaving Sasuke behind. Not again.
A sharp exhale was Sakura's only warning about the direction their conversation was taking, and she held her breath noticing the indecision rippling across Shisui's expression before the mask made it more difficult to move.
"Shisui—" she tried.
"I'm trying to understand but I just can't wrap my head around it," he told her despite the efforts to sway him.
While Shisui remained persistent however, Sakura found a miniscule ounce of comfort in the lack of judgement and frustration in his words or expression. There was only a heavy concern that appeared to be wearing him down and the sight had her sitting back into the sofa with her knees curling into her chest.
Another factor that lowered her wary guards was the lack of ignorant questioning she'd grown far too used to in the past few months. Questions such as why did she stay? Why the hell did she put up with his bullshit? The questions that only worsened how she was feeling because damn it, of course Sakura knew she deserved so much more than being someone's emotional punching bag. Did they really think she was that low on self-esteem or awareness?
The situation as a whole was far too complex for her to so much as contemplate explaining it to outsiders. Half of it wasn't even her story to tell, but while she vehemently refused to betray the trust her boyfriend put in her when sharing such information, to skip over the importance of Sasuke's side and his trauma was unfair.
It took a long ass time for their relationship to turn as toxic as it currently was. Prior to the anger and secrecy, before shit hit the fan, they'd spent many happy years together. Years of experiences, of growth and love and feeling like she was never alone. Someone who always had her back no matter the circumstances; someone who found comfort in keeping her close.
More important to note was that the toxicity brewed from trauma. From Fugaku's bullying ways to Ino constantly assaulting him. All stripping him of his voice, never listening to him when he disagreed or said no—or, if they heard, using force to get what they wanted anyway. Hell, just reminding herself that the sexual assaults were oftentimes in front of their friends—in front of her—sent shudders of disgust down her spine and worsened the guilt threatening to choke the life out of her.
"It hasn't always been like this," Sakura quietly contended once she knew her voice would be steady. Ignoring the palpitating of her heart, she forced herself to meet his eye and hoped that he'd recall his once happy little cousin by stressing, "Sasuke-kun never used to be like this."
But if he did, Shisui was unmoved. That or the now fully dried mask kept his reaction to her words from becoming obvious. "And you're hoping he'll go back to how he was."
Was it possible? Who knows? Who was she to decide on another's limits or abilities? Sasuke was trying. He was trying so goddamn hard.
"Then when did it start?" Shisui tried when her silence lasted too long.
When…
"He was more withdrawn after Itachi left," she murmured, saddened when Shisui agreed quietly. "Fugaku-san put so much pressure on his shoulders and always tore into him. If it wasn't at Itachi's level, then it wasn't enough. Adding Ino to the mix—"
"Ino-san?"
Shit.
Scrambling for an excuse, she said, "Always showing up and making him look bad in front of his dad."
Was it bought? Sakura couldn't tell. Either way, Shisui spared her by saying, "Fugaku-san always compared the two. I'm surprised it didn't make Sasuke hate Itachi even before he left. Itachi thinks the same."
"He's got mixed feelings," Sakura confessed, heart weighed down. "But, thinking about it… Everything spiralled so fast after Itachi returned."
Sasuke's temperament was in no way perfect prior to Itachi's return—he was no ray of sunshine and there were times when his mood swings threatened to give her whiplash—but there were good days amongst the chaos that were only recently fewer and far between. Denying the correlation was naïve and unfair. However, she—
A knock on the door had Sakura jolting in surprise, then grimacing with concern at the possibilities that snapped through her mind as she considered the door. Above all else that concerned her was the chance of it being a hook up of Shisui's. Without a doubt, she'd intruded horrifically and likely now posed a risk to a potential relationship. How the hell was he supposed to explain her being there to somebody on the outside?
Was she overthinking it all?
Shisui's response led her to believe that to be the case when he stood with a dissatisfied exhale, reaching down behind himself momentarily.
"Of course somebody comes over when I'm so vulnerable," he playfully complained, making a show of wrapping the blanket around himself bashfully.
Even while knowing she was overthinking and working herself up as a result, Sakura found herself on the edge of her seat and debating hiding away in his bedroom—then again, that made it look as though they were trying to hide, didn't it? It made them look guilty even if they weren't. They—
She was way too warm suddenly, feeling as though she was overheating the closer Shisui grew to the door. Half tempted to yell at him to ignore whoever it was, she failed to notice the bouncing of her knee or restless tugging of her fingers. Didn't even see Shisui's concerned second glance as she kept her unblinking stare on the door like the devil himself was on the other side of it.
Shit, what if it was Sasuke?
Sakura shot to her feet just as Shisui gripped the handle.
What would he do if he found her there?
But the second she put her weight onto her right foot, fully prepared to run, Shisui had her freezing like a deer caught in the headlights by tugging the door open. It was barely enough to reveal half his body, yet it felt like she was on full display. The intense sensation of hateful, angry eyes on her left her wheezing and unsteady on her feet; the possibility of hearing scornful words making her ears ring and set her body aflame.
Shit, she was going to scream or pass out.
Yet somehow, Shisui didn't falter. Didn't stutter. "Ah, Itachi. How's it going?"
It was…
A pause. Then, she heard his comforting voice question awkwardly, "What is that on your face?"
It really was Itachi.
"It's called pampering yourself after a busy day at work," he shot back with a notable pout. "Don't underestimate the power of being pampered."
Sakura's shoulders slumped.
"I'd invite you in, but I'm a little busy," Shisui continued cheerfully, completely unfazed with lying to his oldest friend, his relative, for her undeserving sake. "What's up?"
If he was at all suspicious, then Itachi kept it from being revealed in his voice and didn't push the matter further. The dismissal allowed her shoulders to loosen further, and she took an easier breath upon registering that familiar sense of safety he blanketed her in. It was what guided Sakura into returning to her previous seat, confident in knowing Itachi wouldn't push boundaries by barging in all guns blazing and demanding the truth.
It simultaneously brought her heartache as it did soothe Sakura to accept that he was the one she felt safest with.
"Nobody has heard from Sakura in a couple of days," Itachi informed him. There was something about Shisui's lackadaisical response that had Sakura frowning minutely, wondering if Itachi bought it as easily as she would have, had it been her in his position. "Sasuke is especially worried."
Teasingly, the older of the two goaded, "You're not?"
The ensuing silence was the type that screamed "don't start"—she could tell because Shisui snickered at the expression he faced and relaxed his weight into the doorframe. His left hand possessed a loose hold of the door, and it instantly occurred to Sakura after a moment that she didn't fear the weak grip. She trusted that Itachi wouldn't force his way in.
"His volatile mood is escalating, so I told him I would come and speak with you," Itachi responded instead, using a tone that was intended to convey a deeper meaning as Shisui tilted his head fractionally, almost like he wanted to glance in her direction at the briefest way she tensed. "He said that your previous conversation didn't go too well." Another pause. "He thinks you're hiding something and wanted to come over."
"He thinks I have her holed up here? On a rare day off when I like to kick back and fool around?" he asked, and she heard Itachi's snort. "No offence to her but Sakura would make a terrible wingman. My dates would definitely spend more time with her than me."
Despite the less than ideal situation and the fact it was a cause for anxiety less than two minutes ago, she couldn't help but smirk at the amusing image painted for her. She wondered if that was intentional on Shisui's part considering he'd noticed how worked up she'd been getting.
"They would likely have a better time merely sitting with her too," he joked lightly. Another pause and then Itachi sighed. "I told Sasuke to at least give it a day before reaching out again." Shisui straightening had Sakura perking up and frowning again, confused when Itachi added, "If you happen to hear from her or know where she is, please ask Sakura to at least let her parents know where she is. I believe Sasuke may have caused them to worry."
That…
"Got it," came a more careful response. "Well, my face feels crazy tight and tingly, so I need to go wash this stuff off."
A snort. "You look like you're learning to ride your bike all over again."
"Hey, those trails were tricky for a first timer!"
The conversation ended relatively quickly after a couple more taunts, and when Shisui closed the door, he looked to her with a half-frustrated, half-weary expression that was soon complemented by a resigned chuckle and rubbing of his neck.
"Well, he knows you're here."
What? How? "I was quiet!"
Dark eyes rolled but the lack of concern calmed Sakura just as the disbelief threatened to restart the anxiety attack. "I told you years ago when you and Sasuke tried sneaking away: you can't get a lot by someone like Itachi. But if it's any consolation, it's obvious he's respecting you need distance," came his knowing murmur. "He's good like that. Even when he's stressed as hell, Itachi will always put his loved one's well-being before his own."
Sakura's lips parted.
He…
He was stressed?
Shisui pushed down on the door handle and allowed it to crack open, soon stepping aside.
"Shisui…?"
"You wanted to know how to lessen his burdens, right? That's why you wanted to know more about his headaches and past?" Numbly, Sakura nodded and stood up, heart skipping a beat at the fond smile that curled his lips. "He already knows you're here. Let him know you're okay, if only to help him sleep tonight."
But…
Was that really okay when she was supposed to be creating distance?