*on the way back from the airport*
Edward: So, did you enjoy seeing your mum?
Bella: I suppose, though I can't say I missed her discussions about sex…
*flashback to the trip*
Renee: …and after the third round, I thought Phil was done, but he sure surprised me by getting in there and…
Bella: Mum, did you ever consider giving me this much detail about your sex life is why I live with dad now?
Renee: I did, but I just want to make sure you know how things are going to be after you marry Edward.
Bella: What the…I never told you I was marrying him.
Renee: Oh please, he's hot…
Bella: MUM!
Renee: …and if you don't give me a grandchild out of him, you're getting a sibling.
Bella: YOU'RE MARRIED TO PHIL!
Renee: That's my business, not yours.
Bella: It is my business when you're threatening to bang my boyfriend.
Renee: He is kinda weird though. I mean, he comes all the way down to Florida, only to stay indoors all day to do homework?
Bella: He…uhh…doesn't like the sun?
Renee: See? If he's willing to come all the way down to Florida for you despite not liking the sun, he must really like you.
Bella: You have no idea…
Renee: Now, get back in there and make me a grandma.
Bella: Didn't you say he was studying.
Renee: NO EXCUSES! And I'll know if you didn't do it. You inherited your lungs from me, so I'll hear you screaming in pleasure.
*back in the present*
Edward: Yeah, those were…interesting discussions you had.
Bella: That's one way of putting it, I guess.
Edward: Still, it was good for you to see her one last time before you change.
Bella: So you're going to do it now?
Edward: Of course not. Also, I think Jacob wants to talk to you.
Bella: Wait, what? You can hear him? He's nearby?
Edward: *pulling into Bella's driveway* …not exactly…
Charlie: *bursting out of the house* YOU! Tell Jacob to stop calling me.
Bella: Did he say what he wants?
Charlie: I assume he's checking on you. And because I like jumping to the worst conclusion possible, I assume that's because you're pregnant.
Bella: That's not even…
Edward: Bella, you're pregnant? Congratulations.
Charlie: I KNEW IT! *pulls out Old Betsy and points it at Edward*
Bella: First of all, no, I'm not.
Charlie: Damn right you're not.
Bella: Second of all, didn't Edward's response imply he had no idea?
Charlie: I KNEW IT! It's Jacob's child.
Bella: Didn't I just…
Charlie: Where are my keys? Me and Old Betsy need to take a trip to La Push…
Bella: FOR FUCK'S SAKE, I'M NOT PREGNANT!
Charlie: *sighing* Fine, I'll find another reason to kill Jacob.
Bella: Murder is not always the answer.
Charlie: Then you're not doing enough of it *phone ringing* I swear to God, if that's him again, I'm going to…
Bella: I'll get it *picks up phone* Jacob, this better be important.
Jacob: How'd you know it was me?
Bella: Because Charlie's about ready to explode.
Jacob: Oh, as if he could hurt me.
Bella: Yeah, I know, but still…
Jacob: Anyway, are you going to school on Monday?
Bella: …yeah, why?
Jacob: Huh…seems like an odd idea after what just happened.
Bella: After what just happened?
Jacob: After three days of…you know what? Forget it.
Bella: Forget what? *line goes dead* God damn it.
Charlie: Was it Jacob again? *cocking Old Betsy*
Bella: Err…no, it was a telemarketer.
Charlie: Those bastards, always calling around dinnertime. Well, no-one's going to miss one of them *runs out the house*
Edward: I thought it was only lunchtime?
Bella: It is, but when dad feels like murder, it happens. The bigger question is: why did Jacob want to know if I'd be at school on Monday?
Edward: Well, you have been gone three days…
Bella: What's that got to do with… *realisation* Wait, does he think I'm a vampire now?
Edward: Maybe.
Bella: Well, since he already thinks I should be, maybe we should…
Edward: Nope.
Bella: Worth a shot.
*at school the next day*
Edward: Huh, that's unexpected.
Bella: What's unexpected?
Edward: That *points out Jacob just outside the school*
Bella: I already told him I'd be here, what more does he want?
Edward: Actually, he needs to talk to me about…something…
Bella: Really? What ab… *sees Edward's already left the car, without parking or even putting a handbrake on* God damn it *gets out of the still moving car and leaves it to roll, causing a large crash*
Edward: You know I've already read your mind, you know I already know what you need to say, you better get to school before you get in trouble.
Jacob: Yeah, I know. I just figured I'd better pass on Sam's message so we're all clear on the situation.
Edward: Yeah, I get it. Maybe just a phone call next time?
Jacob: I'll talk to Sam about it.
Edward: Great. See you around buddy.
Jacob: We're not supposed to be buddies, remember?
Edward: Oh, right, sorry.
Bella: Hey, what are you guys talking about?
Jacob: Oh, you know, just that thing that happened over the weekend.
Bella: You mean me and Edward's trip?
Jacob: No, the other thing.
Bella: What other thing?
Jacob: You haven't told her yet?
Edward: …I was getting around to it…
Jacob: Dude, not cool.
Edward: I know, I'm sorry.
Jacob: All good man, I know it's not good news to be sharing. Just do it soon, okay?
Edward: Yeah, sure thing man.
Bella: Can you two stop ignoring that I'm right here and tell me what the hell is going on?
Edward: …no…
Jacob: Edward…
Edward: Yeah, you're right *turning to Bella* Emmett accidentally crossed the Quileute's border last night.
Bella: Why would he do that?
Edward: He was chasing Victoria.
Bella: Oh, right, she's still around…wait, is that why you took me to Florida for the weekend?
Jacob: Wait, that's why you did that? Smart move man.
Edward: Thanks dude.
Bella: Okay, while you two are patting each other on the back…
Jacob: We're actually not allowed to make physical contact with each other…
Bella: …didn't either of you stop and think maybe I should be informed if my life was in serious danger?
Jacob: Silly Bella, that would require open and honest communication with the enemy…sorry, Sam's words, not mine.
Edward: Don't worry, I know.
Bella: …I'm surrounded by idiots.