Episode 01: So, Uh, This Is My Team?
A short drumroll led into a deep and grandiose anthem as the scene opened on a broken and grassy slope. "Welcome, Total Drama fans!" Chris McLean began, the handsome and stubble-chinned host standing up in front of the camera close enough to only show his upper body. "Put on some clean undies\~," he said with a mischievous, almost singsong tone, "cause things are about to get wild! Ye-he-he-heah-hah!" he laughed deviously.
"Fourteen spanking fresh contestants, and a totally brand new location!" The familiar ticks of the series' capstone theme entered the background score as the camera began to rapidly zoom out. "A Cree island in western Canada!" The new island was shown in full: almost bowl-shaped, with several large, pine-covered hills curving up and outward to from high cliffs along most of the visible coastline, and a barren natural arch sticking out from the left side of the island. Only a small strip of beach was visible to the camera nestled between the rock formations jutting out along the coast, smaller along the shore but large enough further out to support grass or even trees. The sun was beating down from high above, and only a handful of clouds dotted the sky.
"As you might recall," Chris said as a bout of static transitioned the footage to a grainy film of Wawanakwa's radiant feel, "last season, Wawanakwa had gotten more toxic—" the clip was paused during the last mighty backsplash— "and in the hopes of not getting a lawsuit during my break from prison," the host stood up smugly in front of the paused scene, "the contestants won't be competing there."
Another bout of static transitioned the scene to Chris walking to the left past a mossy, mushroom-ridden tree and a bed of blue flowers into a more open area. "So, this is where we landed. No shacks," he said, the capstone theme beginning in earnest as the shot cut to what appeared to be some flattened hilltop. To the right was the path leading in, a solitary wooden gateway standing over it flanked by a pair of tiki torches. Just past the gate was a familiar oil drum podium, and past that an unlit firepit. Further back were a variety of stones, stumps, and logs arranged into two rows of seats, and along the back edge of the hilltop were three tall posts with bulbous lights stringed between them. A grassy pathway lined with tiki torches began in the front of the area, and curved down and around to the left along the hillside.
"No showers," the host continued over a shot of a roaring waterfall somewhere next to a wooded hill. "No hotels," he added as the camera moved to a cave in the side of some rocky cliff near a few small ponds in the woods. "No hot tub," he finished over a a shot of another pool of water, this one set in a barren area with only a few scattered shrubs growing out of the rock. "The only things we managed to save," Chris said as the camera returned to him, "were the outhouse confessional," the shot cut to the outhouse, now set up at the edge of a clearing next to a rock and some trees, "and the horrific butt smells that live inside it." The outhouse door slammed open, revealing the chubby east Asian male intern holding a plunger inside it. He gasped for air, the collapsed face first onto the ground.
"It'll be the roughingest roughing it that's ever been roughed on Total Drama," Chris said as the focus cut back to him once more. "So, buckle up. This," the camera cut backward to show more of the clearing, "is Total! Drama!" Another jump back showed the small rocky beach. "Paaaaahkitew Island!" The final jump outward showed Pahkitew Island once more in all its glory.
XXXXX
(Opening Theme)
XXXXX
The sound of engines filled the air as the episode opened on a small zeppelin emerging from the clouds. An image of Chris in full aviator gear was plastered to the tail fin, and the scene soon cut inside to show a swaying conical lamp hanging in front of a grubby wall.
The first contestants shown were Cameron and Tyler. Cameron was busy looking at his surroundings and Tyler was busy adjusting his headband.
Tyler was about to talk to Cameron, but seeing that he was distracted by the plane, he turned to his right just in time to see Bridgette fixing her ponytail.
"Hey there," Tyler greeted the girl. "How are you feeling right now?"
"So far, so good," Bridgette answered. "I know we aren't going to be on a beach, but I can handle what's coming for us."
The shot cut to Sam, who was playing a video game on his GameGuy. "Oh, yeah! Grenade launcher upgrade. Heh. Now we're cooking," he cheered at his accomplishment.
Sam was interrupted by a wizard LARPer named Leonard holding a stick. "Experiamus! I know many spells to ward off evil," the LARPer claimed.
"Oh, uh, that's cool I guess," Sam awkwardly chuckled.
They were cut off by Cameron coming over their direction. "I can't classify what this zeppelin is, but it's my first time being on one, so I'll just look around."
Cameron went to explore the opposite direction of the plane. Beardo, who was sitting down on the floor, saw him pass by him. He beat boxed for a while. "Song!"
Dakota and Gwen witnessed the beatbox session, and Dakota was disgusted by it. "Ew! Could you switch seats with me?" Dakota asked the girl next to her.
Gwen shrugged before switching seats with the fame-monger, not wanting to get into a fight with anyone.
Dakota soon saw a really tall girl named Jasmine next to her and was frightened. "Eek! Um, how tall are you?"
"I'm over 6'5," Jasmine shrugged. "Is there a problem?"
"Nope. None at all," Dakota stopped talking in order not to bother the Australian girl.
"This is so incredible!" Staci ran past Jasmine and Dakota before stopping near Sugar, who was filing her nails. "My great-great Aunt Mabel invented the first blimp. People had to travel by hot air balloons back then." Staci was unknowingly giving Sugar a headache. "Speaking of which, hot air balloons were created by my great-great-great-great Uncle Mason."
Having enough, Sugar held Staci against the wall. "Stop your fidgetin'! You scuff my pageant shoes and I'll toss you out the window. You'll be squished flat in two minutes!"
Just then, Justin, an attractive Hawaiian boy, rushed in. "Girls, girls, don't fight." He turned his attention over to Sugar, who, like Staci, was admiring his beauty. "You don't really want to hurl that girl out the blimp, right?"
Sugar dropped Staci. "No no no. I was just upset is all."
"And you should probably just avoid provoking people," Justin advised Staci.
"Yah, you're right," Staci agreed out of admiration.
The scene panned over to Zoey watching what had just happened.
"He's really attractive!" Zoey said to herself. In her daze, she leaned forward and fell off her seat.
Alejandro came over to help as latin music played in the background. "Perhaps I can be of assistance?" He lifted Zoey up to her feet by grabbing her arms, and despite what happened, Zoey smiled at him the same way she did to Justin.
The music suddenly turned dramatic, and lightning flashed outside. The scene moved back outside to show the zeppelin heading into some storm clouds, lightning flashing a few more times before the shot cut to the bridge. Chef Hatchet was there manning the wheel in his old pilot's uniform from season three, a nervous expression on his face. He grabbed the transmitter of the broadcasting system mounted over his head, and the shot cut to a loudspeaker as a red light next to it began to flash and buzz. "Hang on!" Chef announced. "This might get hairy!"
The ship began to shake, screws and panels and other parts raining down from the ceiling as the background music became ominous. Bridgette and Tyler nervously glanced around, Beardo, Leonard, and Sam were looking around nervously, Alejandro watched Zoey struggle to stay seated, Sugar screamed as Staci and Justin looked around in panic, and Jasmine, Dakota, and Gwen clinged to their seats as Cameron ran over to his left while shrieking.
Lightning seemed to flash inside the room itself, and Chris McLean appeared to the left near the door to the cockpit as if out of thin air. "Hello, newbies," he greeted to a dramatic sting in the music. "Ready for some fun?"
Cameron and Staci darted over to him excitedly. "Yes!" Cameron said.
"Totally!" Staci added.
"Huh, a coupla keeners," Chris noted. "I'm sure a little pain and starvation will fix that," he added as he walked off to the right.
He stopped by a doorway located between Sam and Bridgette. "Let's get started," he said, launching into a low theme of exposition. "This aircraft stinks. And is equipped with two emergency exits here, and at the end of the cabin." He pointed first at the door behind him, and then towards the right.
"At said exits," Chris continued as the shot returned to him, "you will find parachute packs," he knocked on the crate Sam had been sitting on. "Only half of them contain actual parachutes. The other half contains surprises that will be utterly useless while falling from the sky."
"Well," Bridgette spoke up, "hopefully we won't be needing them."
Chris shrugged. "Who knows. This season is full of surprises. Like this!" With a wide smile he took out his remote control and pressed the button, and the camera cut to one of the engines outside as a small box attached to it blinked and beeped and exploded, destroying the engine.
Screams uttered forth from the zeppelin as it was shown going into a nose dive with smoke trailing from the blown engine, and the shot cut back inside to show Gwen, Staci, Zoey, Cameron, and Justin running and screaming around the cabin as tense challenge music began to play. A close-up showed one of the crates being opened by what looked like Dakota, who along with Alejandro grabbed a parachute pack out of it. Moments later, Jasmine, Sam, and Beardo followed suit. Then Alejandro was shown calmly slipping on his pack, Jasmine doing the same, then Sam, Leonard, and Dakota all put theirs on as well.
The shot cut to the rear exit as Tyler was about to jump out the open door, but got shoved out by an impatient Jasmine. "Move!" Jasmine hastily called out before jumping.
Sugar followed after, then the shot cut to the side exit as Bridgette ran along the stools before diving out the other open door.
Alejandro, a pack on his back and an extra in his hands, ran up to where Chris was still standing by the side exit. "I don't like that you blew up the blimp," he scolded the host, "but I can't let a gentleman die. Want a parachute?" he held the extra pack out to the smiling host.
"Oh, no thank you," Chris replied, "I'm actually a hologram."
"What?!" Chef exclaimed in shock as he ran over from the left. "Why ain't I a hologram?" As Alejandro left a parachute on a stool and jumped off, Chef poked a finger at Chris, then gasped as it went through his head causing the man's entire body to flicker like a grainy television image. "Abandon ship!" he yelled in panic. He ran straight through the host and grabbed the extra parachute pack from the stool, then fell backward out the emergency exit.
The camera cut far below the diving zeppelin, looking up as several contestants fell screaming past – Staci, Dakota, Leonard, Tyler, Beardo, Bridgette, Sugar, Alejandro, and even Chef.
Then the shot shifted, the camera now falling alongside Jasmine. "The koala says cluck to the platypus for luck," she said to herself as Beardo fell into view behind her. The Australian girl pulled the cord on her pack, and released a large collection of chickens. She gulped as she fell down.
The next one was Beardo, who looked around before pulling his cord, and a parachute came. He made the sound of a trumpet victory.
Alejandro was the third to pull his cord, to which a parachute ejected. "Gracias a dios!"
Staci gulped before pulling her cord. A parachute came out for her. "Yah! I knew I would get a parachute. I am related to the person who created it, which is my great-"
A quick-pan put the focus on Gwen, silent as she pulled her cord and released a stack of cats. "Of course I wouldn't get a parachute."
The shot cut to Sugar next, who opened her cord and freed a parachute. "Oh, thank you! Thank you!" She pulled out a piece of paper. "I'm not prepared to make a speech, but I'm so proud to be-" Justin accidentally got his face stuck onto her speech. "Crud!"
Justin got the paper out of his face before pulling his cord, releasing a bunch of feathers. "I can't die just yet. My modeling career has to stand strong!"
Cameron pulled his cord, and was rewarded with tiaras. "This can't be good!"
Leonard received a parachute after pulling his cord. "I didn't even have to cast a spell!"
A pan to his right showed Chef, who pulled his cord only to release several steaks, cheese wedges, and chef's hats. "Oh, that's just wrong," he said with narrow-eyed annoyance.
He fell out of sight, and the camera moved onto Bridgette as she pulled her cord to reveal a parachute. She shouted out joyfully "I'm not dying today!"
Next was Dakota, who tugged on her cord and released a teddy bear. "Aw, I want one of those things," she gushed before pulling out her cell phone. "Hello? Daddy? Can you order a teddy bear for me when I get home? Thanks!" Dakota continued to talk on her phone.
The shot moved to Zoey next, who pulled her cord only for tambourines to float out. "Tambourines? Who even packs those?"
The camera then panned to Sam, who took a deep breath and grabbed his cord. He pulled, and frowned as hot dogs escaped his pack. "There were hot dogs in my pack? If I had known, I could've gotten a power boost by eating them."
Sam was halted from falling thanks to Beardo holding him by his shirt. "Hey, nice save."
Beardo then grabbed Cameron by his leg, causing him to hang upside down. "Huh?" Cameron saw that Beardo had saved him. "I'm going to live!"
The eyes of all three teens widened in shock as Zoey, Justin, Gwen, and Chef all fell past the front of them.
"And here they come now," Chris told the camera as it cut to him and he lowered the binoculars he was holding. The shot cut outward to show him standing on the beach, watching as Zoey, Justin, Gwen, and Chef all fell screaming into various parts of the water around that part of the beach. He turned to the other side and the camera panned to follow, showing Sam, Beardo, and Cameron landing on the sand nearby.
Next to land was Leonard, who smiled in delight as he touched down next to a large rock. "Excalciur! I was almost killed," he said in a relieved tone.
It was then that Bridgette slammed into him, knocking him to the ground face-first. "Whoops, sorry," she apologized. "I couldn't control where I wanted to land."
Leonard groaned, though since he was still on the ground, it was muffled.
The tense challenge tune resumed as the shot cut to Jasmine scowling in determination as she fell alongside a tree, then slid off a branch and somersaulted back into the air. The shot cut to her landing in the water, and she quickly surfaced.
The camera panned back to the beach as Alejandro, Staci, and Sugar landed next to each other.
And lastly was Dakota, who landed in front of the others on the beach via a hot air balloon, much to the shock of all in sight.
"Thank you Daddy," Dakota smiled confidently at the camera as she stood next to a gaping Chris.
The host turned to the left as Chef walked up to him, with cuts on his neck and a chunk of his left cuff missing. "You could've at least given me one of the parachutes," he angrily told Chris.
"Shoulda, coulda, oops, didn't," Chris shrugged. "The parachutes were random, so I didn't know if you would get a real one or not."
"Let's see...," Chris turned his back to the right. He started mumbling numbers under his breath and looked at a clipboard in his hand. "Huh," he said, "only one missing. Not so bad!"
The shot cut to a parachute tangled in the branch of a tree, the camera slowly zooming out to reveal Tyler hanging from it. "Can somebody help me untangle my parachute?"
He landed with a thud and a cloud of dust.
\\
The scene flashed to the blazing sun, Chris saying "Welcome to Pahkitew Island!" as the camera panned back down to the beach. The cast was now lined up, the campers divided into two groups with Chris and Chef standing in the middle. "On the right, those without chutes," the host continued, motioning to the line of teens to the camera's right.
"Dakota, Justin, Sam, Jasmine, Gwen, Zoey, and Cameron."
"This is my team?" Cameron asked, looking at everyone around him. "Okay!"
Confessional: Cameron
"I'm what's known as a 'Bubble-Boy'," Cameron explained, rubbing some lotion onto his hands as he began his confessional. "Growing up my mom was really overprotective, so I've never gone swimming before. Up until six hours ago, I've never done anything before! Except read, and sigh a lot..." He sighed afterwards.
"But that doesn't mean I'm not a force to be reckoned with!" he declared confidently just as a small fly went into his throat, making him cough.
Confessional: Zoey
"Wow," Zoey gushed in the next confessional, "I can't believe I'm actually in the Total Drama confessional. It's so exciting! Everyone seems so nice!" Her expression suddenly turned anxious and concerned as she continued. "I hope they all like me. I could use a few new friends," she told the camera, her eyes darting around anxiously. "Or...friends, period. Oh...what if they hate me? Maybe this flower was too big. Am I trying too hard? You like me, right?" she asked the camera.
Confessional Ends
"Your team will be," Chris read from a note card, "the...Pimâpotew Kinosewak," he pronounced awkwardly. "Which is Cree for 'Soaring Eagles'!" As he announced the name's meaning, a circular logo spun towards the screen against an orange and gold starburst pattern, stopping with a light gong. The disc was colored a light purple and bore the image of a bald eagle with its wings outstretched.
"Actually, it's not," Cameron interrupted, prompting the camera to cut to him. "That actually means 'Floating Salmon'. I studied the Cree language to learn that."
"Oh...," Chris said, looking back at his notes. He laughed. "Then I guess you're the Floating Salmon," he told the first team, a dull and disappointed tune playing as the shot returned to their initial logo, which was slammed out of the way by a similar disc. This was one colored green, and bore the image of a flopping salmon that was looking right at the camera.
"And those who had actual parachutes," the host continued, looking at his card again as he addressed the second team.
"Leonard, Staci, Alejandro, Tyler, Beardo, Bridgette, and Sugar."
"Your team is, the Waneyihtam Maskwak!" the shot cut outward as he fumbled the pronunciation of the second team's name. "Which in Cree means the 'Ferocious Ti'-"
"'Confused Bears'," Cameron corrected again.
Another circular logo spun towards the screen against the same orange and gold backdrop. It was colored a pale pink, and the picture on the front was of a rather appropriately confused bear, complete with a question mark by its head.
Chris tore apart his note card with an angry glare. "This is what you get for using a free online translator," he scolded Chef.
"My bad," Chef sniffed uncaringly before walking away.
"Anywho," Chris continued with his usual fake smile, "seeing as there's nowhere for any of you to sleep tonight, we figured your first challenge should be...to build your own shelter!"
As he walked away the camera panned over to the Bears, focusing in on Staci in particular.
"Oh good! My great-great-great-great grandma Felicity invented shelters," Staci rambled with an oblivious smile, much to the strange looks she was earning everyone. "Yah, before her, everybody just slept outside in whatever the weather was. Then, my great-great-great-great-great grandpa Ross-."
A sharp whistle from off-screen cut her off. "Hey, Chatterbox!" Chris called out, the camera quick-panning up and to the right to show the host standing high atop a large mountain of assorted trash and rubble. "Yeah, I was talking!" A light drumroll shifted the music into a typical expository theme as the camera zoomed out, revealing the full size of the junk pile as the fourteen campers walked over to it.
"Each team may take supplies from the common area before they begin to build," Chris continued. "But, these supplies are guarded by Chef." The shot cut to a close-up of the large man's smirking face. "Armed, with a powerful tennis ball blaster." Zooming out, the camera revealed the large tripod-mounted Gatling gun that Chef was standing at, a glass tank filled with tennis balls at the top of it. The entire set up was located at the top of a short rocky plateau.
The host jumped to the ground. "A glancing blow will sting," he said before the shot cut to Tyler getting hit in the forehead with a tennis ball.
The Jock yelped, bending over and rubbing his forehead in pain. The camera panned to the right to show Bridgette gasping in concern, and Tyler straightened up. "I'll be okay," he said.
"And a direct hit," Chris continued, "can take you right to the ground." The camera panned to the left as Cameron was shot in the hip, knocking him to the ground. The Wide-Eyed Bubble Boy landed awkwardly on his side, and moaned in pain. "Will someone please help that boy to his feet?" Chris asked, a dramatic riff playing as the camera panned to the left and Sam picked Cameron back up with one hand.
Cameron fell back to the ground as soon as The Gamer let go, groaning upon landing.
"Good enough," Chris said with an uncaring shrug. "On with the challenge!" The shot cut back a ways to show both teams watching him warily, their team logos briefly appearing above them. "Confused Bears will build their shelter towards the beach," the host said, directing the campers' attention to the left. "Floating Salmon, further inland," he added with a gesture to the right. "Best shelter, according to me," he added, "wins the challenge." He took out his signature red airhorn and blew it. "Be-gin!"
A fast-paced challenge tune immediately began to play as Chef opened fire, his stream of tennis balls sweeping first towards the Bears. The seven of them screamed, but Alejandro quickly took action. "Quickly my friends, we must go!" The Arch Villain said as he charged off to the left, motioning for his teammates to follow.
"Let's move Salmon!" Jasmine commanded as the shot cut to him leading the Salmons to the right, Justin picking Cameron up off the ground as he ran.
\\
The music cut out as the footage skipped to the Salmons rising up from behind two large stumps at the edge of the woods.
"Okay team-" Sam began to say.
"Here's the plan-" Jasmine began to say.
Both behind the leftmost stump, the two looked at one another.
"Three of us should-" Jasmine continued.
"We should grab-" Sam continued.
A few hollow, wooden beats played and the camera zoomed in on the pair of them.
"What are you doing!?" Sam complained.
"Could you just listen for a second?" Jasmine suggested.
Confessional: Sam
"I don't know," Sam shrugged. "I've played a lot of games that have settings like castles and dungeons. I was thinking we should build something like that."
Confessional: Jasmine
"It's always the big guys that are intimidated by me. Small guys, too. Heh, and most girls. I intimidate people." Jasmine moaned.
Confessionals End
The static took the scene back to the Salmons. "Just listen to the plan. We need to decide what items are important and make sure we get them. Got it?" Jasmine told Sam.
Confessional: Sam
"Oh yeah," Sam confessed. "We have to gather materials and tools, even if they're old and worn out."
Confessional Ends
"And that's how we'll win. Cool?" Jasmine finished her plan.
"That's better than what I was gonna say," Sam said. "So I guess you're team captain!"
\\
The music shifted back into something intense and dramatic as the shot cut to the Bears taking cover from the continuous volley of tennis balls behind some large rocks. Sugar, Leonard, Beardo, Bridgette, and Tyler were shown crouching behind one formation with varying levels of fright, then the camera panned right onto Staci and Alejandro.
"Here's my idea," Alejandro said, looking to his right at the others. "Grab something good and make your way back over here. One pass each."
"Yah," Staci agreed, her eyes glued on Alejandro. "We should do what he said. If it's a good plan, I don't see how it'll go wrong."
Alejandro frowned at the compulsive liar. "I appreciate your support," he said politely.
\\
"The most important item we need to get is wood," Jasmine said as the scene cut back to the Salmons.
Cameron spoke up. "We could use that wheelbarrow over there. It is larger than my own weight."
"How can a wheelbarrow help us?" Justin asked in confusion.
"With the wheelbarrow we can carry stuff in it," Zoey translated.
"Nice, Zoey," Jasmine complimented Zoey. "You and Gwen help Sam load the wood into the wheelbarrow and go.
"Agreed," Sam nodded his head as he and Gwen left cover.
"You agree with me?" Zoey blinked in shock. "I didn't think that would happen."
"Hurry!" Sam ran back over to her. "We need all the help we can get."
"Sorry!" Zoey apologized and went over to help.
\\
The challenge music resumed as the shot cut to a close-up of Tyler's feet as he ran along the ground, tennis balls falling around him. The camera zoomed out to show The Jock charging forward with his arms raised in front of him like a shield, the tennis balls bouncing off them without apparent effect. He tripped on a small boulder, causing him to wheel next to the junk pile.
After recovering, he grabbed a large tire lying on the edge, hoisted it onto his back, and ran back to the left with the balls bouncing off it harmlessly.
"Wow! Nice job Tyler!" Bridgette cheered excitedly as the shot cut back to the other Bears still behind cover, all looking impressed.
\\
Zoey yelped as the static cut away to her standing next to a wheelbarrow and getting pelted by the stream of tennis balls being fired at her. "Are you done yet?"
"We got the wood! Let's move!" Sam replied as he and Gwen ran in from the left with an armful of wooden planks and beams. Gwen dumped them into the wheelbarrow, and then Sam lifted its handles and ran forward scooping up Zoey along the way.
The shot cut back to the remaining four members of the Salmons. "I'm going for the rope. Everybody bring something good, okay?" Jasmine told her team before springing off.
Confessional: Justin
"I'll bring my good looks to the team mix," Justin confessed proudly. "I'm a professional model, and this team will need one in case we have a photoshoot challenge."
Confessional Ends
"Okay," Leonard said as the focus moved to the Bears hiding behind the rocks, "I gotta say that that was an exquisite performance by that man."
"I know," Staci said as he crept over. "My great aunt Quinn created acrobatics so that people can be fit and healthy," she said, the camera pulling back to show the rest of her teammates as she looked around at them.
Sugar gave The Compulsive Liar a strange look. "Shut yer trap," she shushed Staci. "We don't need your facts about yer family. There's no way we can lose. We've got a wizard on our team."
\\
The shot cut to the rocky plateau as a sharp riff played and a shower of sparks exploded out of the side of Chef's tennis ball turret as Chris looked on before turning a smile to the camera.
"Building supplies are being collected," Chris said as the capstone theme started playing. "The Salmon are doing a very wood job! But the Bears keep coming back for door. You don't wanna miss any of this here, on Total! Drama! Paaaaaahkitew Island!"
\\
(Commercial Break)
\\
A loud, sharp note resumed the episode, Chris popping up in front of the camera with a hearty "We're back! The players are moving," the music shifted into something electronic and almost awestruck, "Chef is shooting, pick your favorite team and start a-rooting!"
The camera pulled back to reveal Chef and Chris still standing on the rocky plateau. "If you're not shooting the balls, then why are you here?" the host whispered towards his assistant.
Chef growled at his boss before shaking the Gatling gun vigorously. He then punched the side of it causing it to fire off a single tennis ball at Jasmine, who was carrying a coil of rope until she saw the ball and managed to avoid it and run.
\\
The shot cut back to the base of the junk pile as Cameron picked up a plank of wood. He looked up just as the music spiked dramatically, and with a gasp, he jumped away from the round of tennis balls shot his way. "I wish I had my bubble!" he said as he ran back off to the right.
Bridgette then entered the scene. "I gotta get some supplies." The tennis balls shot at her, causing her to yelp continuously. "This really hurts!" Bridgette pulled out some metal, placed it on a couch, and started dragging it to her team.
"Marvelous!" Leonard cheered for Bridgette.
"We do need the metal for buildin'," Sugar stated.
Alejandro had another idea. "Staci, you draw Chef's fire while Beardo makes a run for the supplies."
Beardo ding-donged to signal that he was in.
"Are you sure about this?" Staci nervously wondered.
"It's for the team, Stace," Tyler tried to encourage Staci.
Regardless, Staci was now standing front and center for Chef. "Hello? Do I have your attention?" Chef replied by shooting tennis balls in her direction, and she tried to avoid them.
"Okay, Beardo. It's your time," Tyler told the soundboard.
The scene skipped ahead to Beardo pretending to run in slow-motion.
Staci stopped dodging when she saw Beardo's act. "Why are you running in slow motion?"
A tennis ball got shot at Beardo's groin, making him holler in pain and collapse to the floor holding his injured body part.
"Six o'clock!" Chris chuckled a bit.
\\
The footage flashed ahead to Sugar frantically searching through the junk pile. "Come on! Ain't there a bucket of glitter somewhere in this mess?" she grumbled as she lifted an old busted television.
She was then hit in the head with two tennis balls. The pageant queen let go of the TV as she was stunned, causing it to land on her head.
The shot cut to Chris and Chef laughing raucously and sharing a high-five.
\\
Another cut showed Dakota standing impatiently at the edge of the pile as various small items were tossed out of it by some unseen person. "Okay, why did I agree to do this again?" she said in annoyance, ducking under a brick tossed unwittingly at her and, unintentionally, a tennis ball coming from the other direction.
"Because I'm trying to get the supplies for us," Justin said, leaning out from the pile as Dakota gave him a scathing look. "And besides; do you want my body to get bruised?"
Justin took off his shirt, making Dakota drop her anger just to admire his body.
"You've got a point," Dakota drooled. "I'll make sure that you don't get hurt!"
Unbeknownst to her, Justin winked at the camera.
Confessional: Justin
"I'm not just another pretty face," Justin said smugly, "and abs, and butt, and shoulders okay? I'm also a master strategist. And I am in it." He crossed his arms. "To win it."
Confessional Ends
"Dakota! Smile for us!" An Italian voice called out.
Dakota looked up, and saw a quartet of paparazzi photographers hovering above the area in a hot air balloon. They all held cameras, which flashed every second, taking pictures.
"Hi, guys! Nice of you to be here," Dakota greeted the men.
"How did she get the paparazzi to come here?" Justin stared at her in disbelief, but went back to collecting the items.
"You can take pictures of me," Dakota told her paparazzi. "Just don't publish any pictures of me getting hit by the tennis balls."
The camera cut to Chris, who was visibly annoyed. "Chef, want to take care of the uninvited guests?"
Chef shot some tennis balls at the balloon. The balls flew fast enough that they ripped through the balloon, and sent it, along with the paparazzi in the hot air balloon's basket, flying off into the distance.
Confessional: Dakota
Dakota was sobbing when she was first shown. "Chris is the meanest ever!" She paused to look at herself in her mirror. "Hang on. Not too blotchy, okay, take two." After putting her mirror away and clearing her throat, she continued her sobbing.
Confessional Ends
Staci was crouched down on the floor after getting ambushed by the tennis balls.
"This foe is beyond you! Fly, you fool!" Leonard shooed Staci away.
"Um... okay?" Staci crawled back to her cover.
Leonard swiped a metal pipe from the pile. "Go back to the shadows of Wawanwakwa! You shall not pa-" he was then assaulted by the balls.
A flash took the scene to Bridgette and Alejandro, once more hiding behind the cover the Bears had chosen. "So," Bridgette asked warily, "how are you going to help us?"
The camera cut to Alejandro focusing his eyes at the stream of tennis balls. With a sharp spike in music, he dashed over to the junk pile, grabbed a wooden board, and swatted one of the balls headed his way.
The camera move behind the ball as it flew back at a startled Chef Hatchet. The scene went black for a second as white starts and red stripes flashed across the screen, accompanying a sound like broken glass. Chef groaned in pain.
"Wowzers!" Chris said to a light tune as the camera's 'eyes' slowly blinked open, showing the smiling host standing overhead. "That boy's got some skills, huh?"
A few deep beats played as the shot returned to the central junk pile. Bridgette and Tyler were searching the left end, Beardo was looking through the top of it, Zoey was sifting through the right end, and Cameron and Dakota were searching the bottom. Tennis balls littered the ground around them, but none were flying through the air.
Then the airhorn suddenly blew, promptly all of them to stop what they were doing and look up from the pile – including Sam, who rose up from under a large tire near the top. "Iiiiiiiit's building time!" Chris announced from off-screen before the shot cut to him. "Are you comin'," he turned and asked below and behind him, "or do you only wanna get paid for half the episode?"
Chef sat up, his right eye purple and swollen. Chris laughed and walked off, a sharp note playing as his large assistant stood with a groan and followed after.
\\
The scene flashed to Gwen walking towards the entrance of the large cave that had been seen in the island's introduction at the start of the episode. "I need to be alone for now, and this place can be where we sleep if our shelter fails!" she added upon coming to the cave's entrance.
"It may look bad on the outside, but it's probably nice on the inside," the loner settled before entering the cave… only to immediately ran out screaming, chased by a swarm of bats.
\\
The scene moved to seven members of the Floating Salmons standing in a large rocky clearing, all the wood and other supplies they'd gathered lying between them.
"Justin, Dakota, glue the boards!" Jasmine ordered. "Sam, help me with the support beams! Cameron and Zoey, faster! And where is Gwen?!"
Cameron shrugged. "I have no idea where she could be."
Suddenly, the air was pierced by the sound of heavy construction noises. The whirring of a power drill, the pounding of a jackhammer, the roar of a chainsaw, and many more came from the Tigers' building site.
"What are they building?" Dakota asked.
"Sounds pretty serious!" Sam commented.
"All the more reason to work harder!" Jasmine snapped.
The Confused Bears' logo spun into view as the shot flashed to them, standing around a large leafless tree next to the various objects they'd managed to take from the pile.
Beardo was revealed to be the one making the noises. "I think you can stop now," Bridgette calmly told Beardo, making him cease his noises.
"Okay, so what are we going to build with what we have gathered?" Alejandro asked.
"Well, we did collect some pretty useful things," Tyler went over the team's inventory.
"I even got this bucket of glitter." Staci got out the bucket. "It was created by my great-great-great-great-great uncle Victor."
"We shall build a Wizard's Tower!" Leonard proclaimed.
"That is a great suggestion!" Staci exclaimed.
"Wizard says, Sugar does!" Sugar agreed. "Who's with us?"
Beardo let out a slide whistle followed by a bell ringing, and raised his hand, forming a majority vote.
"Four votes for a wizard tower!" Sugar announced.
"Make that five cuz I'm in as well," Tyler said.
"A wizard's tower? Are you sure about that?" Alejandro asked, but was stopped by Bridgette.
"Alejandro, the team voted! Building something is better than building nothing!" Bridgette reasoned. "What do we do first, Leonard?"
"First, we link arms and chant!" Leonard instructed.
"Let's just get to the building part instead," Staci suggested.
\\
"Done!" Jasmine declared, hammering the final nail into what was a treehouse big enough for seven people.
Gwen was now back. "This is where we'll be sleeping in?" the goth girl asked.
"Yep. We built it while you were out!" Cameron responded.
"I had to pee!" Gwen defended herself. "And since there aren't any toilets around, I went lumberjack style."
"This is nice!" Chris complimented while flying on a jetpack. "And a smart move building it above ground level!"
"Hmm?" Gwen wondered before the music turned ominous and the ground began to shake. The camera panned to the rest of his team as they all looked around with wide, nervous eyes.
"Here comes your answer!" Chris told them with a hint of glee, the music rising as the seven teens caught sight of something and ran screaming to the left.
A large herd of moose came stampeding by, and the shot cut to the Salmons watching fearfully. Gwen tried to run, but got trampled by the herd, leaving him scattered.
"This island is a little more wild than our last one," Chris called out over the din of the stampede.
\\
The Bears have managed to build a wizard's tower. It wasn't the best, but it was at least easy on the eyes. To this, Beardo was playing an imaginary trumpet, much to his team's irritation.
"Now's not the time for sound effects!" Bridgette said. Beardo stopped by closing his mouth audibly.
Confessional: Bridgette
"My teammates are kinda odd, but they're pretty nice," Bridgette said. "I'm very easygoing, so getting into an argument with me will be very difficult."
Confessional Ends
Tyler turned to his shelter. "Seems like we're done with the tower."
"We just need one more touch!" Leonard cried out. "Staci?"
Staci held the bucket of glitter, but it got taken by Sugar. "Leave this to the professionals!" She tossed the glitter at the base of the tower, making it sparkly.
The music suddenly turned tense as Chris flew down towards them on his jetpack. "Team Bears. Wizard's tower?" he mocked them.
"It was a team effort," Alejandro defended.
"So, is it moose-proof?" Chris laughed.
"What now?" Beardo quickly asked in confusion before the ground began to shake.
The pack of moose was approaching menacingly. The Bears ran into the woods for cover with Beardo making alarm noises and Leonard curling up into a ball.
The moose pack passed the tower, but it didn't fall. Once the last moose had gone, Leonard stood up, unharmed. "Huzzah!" Leonard cheered. "The beasts of Pahkitew Island are no match for my wizard's tower!" Leonard patted his creation affectionately. Coincidentally, the tower came apart at that moment.
"Force field!" Leonard cried and tried to protect himself. The rest of the team cringed, but when the dust cleared, Leonard stood in the same position completely unharmed. "It worked, but the tower still fell."
"I guess maybe we should've double checked to see if it was extra stable," Bridgette said.
"It's not like we were supposed to know that there was gonna be a stampede," Tyler consoled. "I wish we had the cabins back."
Staci decided to lighten the mood. "Yah. My great-great-great uncle James invented log cabins! Before him, people had to sleep in the trees. And they kept falling out all the time. And my great-great-great-great-great aunt Phyllis invented roofs, and before her, houses were just walls and furniture. And every time it rained, you had to get a new sofa."
As Staci was talking, she failed to notice that they were getting tired of her talking about her supposed family and shooting her frustrated glares.
\\
A flash took the scene to another clearing, the two teams now seated on long logs with the Bears on the left and the Salmons on the right. "I'd like to say it was a hard decision," Chris said, standing between them as the music boomed dramatically, "but, let's keep it real. Team Salmon wins the challenge!" he announced, provoking a groan of disappointment from the Bears as a tune of victory played.
The camera panned across the winners, showing Zoey and Dakota smiling and whooping respectively, Justin and Sam exchanging a high-five, Jasmine cheering, and Cameron holding up a high-five to Gwen, who returned it stoically.
"The winners of each challenge will be rewarded this season with a take-out order from a sponsoring restaurant," Chris told the Salmon. "This week, it's the Petting Zoo Barbecue," he said, the victorious music being replaced by a calm elevator music jingle as he took out two paper bags bearing the logo of a grinning sheep sitting in a barbecue grill. "The Petting Zoo Barbecue, someone else touched your dinner," he told the camera. "We guarantee it." He winked.
"Shoot!" Sugar complained as she kicked the dirt. "I always wanted a pony."
"Team Bears," Chris walked over and told them as the music became tense again, "please go vote! One member of your team is heading home today."
The seven of them groaned.
\\
A few deep drum beats reopened the music as the scene faded ahead to nightfall, the full moon shining over a long-distance shot of Pahkitew Island. "Welcome to the Pahkitew Island elimination area," Chris greeted, the scene cutting to the flat hilltop that had been shown at the beginning of the episode. The traditional low, slow, and tense elimination had already begun, the fires of both the central pit and the surrounding torches had been lit, and the seven members of the Confused Bears had seated themselves on the logs and rocks lined up to the side.
"This is where we determine who stays to play another day," Chris continued, "and who gets a one-way ticket home."
Confessional: Staci
"I wonder who I'm going to vote for…" Staci wondered.
Confessional: Leonard
"How can a wizard's tower not win?" Leonard whined.
Confessional: Bridgette
"It's not going to be a difficult decision on who's leaving," Bridgette crossed her arms.
Confessionals End
"The votes are in," Chris said, the shot cutting to him with a tray of six marshmallows in his hand. "If I hand you a marshmallow," he picked up the first of the treats, "you're safe. Bridgette."
"Yes!" Bridgette said from the far right end of the front row, catching the prize that was tossed to her.
"Beardo. Tyler," the host continued as the camera panned to the two boys sitting alone in the back row. They got their marshmallows.
"Alejandro," the camera panned to the far left to show the latino catching his marshmallow with a smile, "aaaaand Sugar," a short pan to the right showed the farm girl catching hers in her mouth, "you are safe."
"Staci," the host said, the shot pulling back to show the chatterbox, "your constant blabbing didn't win you any popularity points. There is no way you're related to that many people."
"My stories are true," Staci quickly rebutted.
"Leonard," Chris continued as the shot cut to the LARPer, "you think you're a wizard, and you convinced your team to build something very, very stupid."
"Alla forgeticus," Leonard failed to cast his spell.
"Uh, yeah," Chris snarked. "Okay!" he continued with a smile, holding up the last marshmallow as the music began to trill. "The final marshmallow goes to..."
The shot cut from a close-up of Staci, looking nervously from side to side, to Leonard, feeling just as nervous as the tense elimination theme continued.
"Leonard," Chris finally said, tossing the last prize to the wizard.
"Oh, marvelous!" Leonard let out a sigh of relief, eagerly catching the marshmallow with both hands.
"Aww, but I was doing so good," Staci complained.
"This island is named Pahkitew," Chris said as a somber elimination theme began to play. "Which, is the Cree word for 'exploding'. So, we thought it fitting that this season's mode of transportation home should be something with a bang."
\\
The scene rotated about itself, transitioning to Chris and Chef standing by some large object hidden under a sheet. "Without further ado," the host said dramatically, his assistant grabbing the sheet as a grandiose anthem began to play, "I give you the Boom of Abashment, the Kablam of Chagrin, this season's humiliating way home," the camera zoomed out as Chef pulled away the sheet to reveal a large cannon with alternating red and white stripes spiraling around the barrel, "the Cannon of Shame!"
The remaining Salmons gasped in shock.
"Any last words?" Chris asked dryly over a close-up of Staci's head emerging from the muzzle of the cannon.
"Yeah," Staci said. "Cannons were invented by my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-!!"
Staci screamed as she was shot into the night, her former teammates watching on as the opening notes of the capstone theme played in the background.
"You know what's weird?" Chris asked as he turned from the rapidly-disappearing form of Staci to face the camera. "I already don't miss her," he told it with a laugh as the capstone theme began in earnest.
"Well, that's one down and thirteen to go," he continued with a widening grin. "Who's the next human cannonball? There are just too many good choices! Tune in and find out yourself, here on Total!" The shot jumped outward to show Chef, the cannon, and the remaining Salmons. "Drama!" The next jumpcut revealed the low rocky outcropping they were standing on by the beach. "Paaaaaahkitew Island!" And the final jumpcut showed the entire island from afar, the light of the elimination area shining from the smaller rock formation linked to the island by it's natural arch.
(Roll the Credits)
Team Kinosewak: Cameron, Dakota, Gwen, Jasmine, Justin, Sam, Zoey
Team Maskwak: Alejandro, Beardo, Bridgette, Leonard, Sugar, Tyler
Author's Note: Staci had nothing going for her. With Leonard and Beardo, I can have fun with their gimmicks but all Staci can do is yammer on and on. As such, it felt best to eliminate her. So we got an all new cast. Who do you think will win, who will be our new villain, and who will be our new couples?
14th: Stacj