Bella: So, given that you've never had a nice word to say to me, why exactly do you want to talk to me?
Rosalie: Look, I've gotta admit, I'm kinda jealous of you.
Bella: Are you fucking serious right now? You're, like, the hottest thing ever, and you're jealous of me?! How?
Rosalie: You think I'm hot?
Bella: If I wasn't straight, I'd be trying to fuck you right now. Hell, even though I am straight I'm considering a one-off exception.
Rosalie: Huh, okay…wait, that's not what I mean.
Bella: So how the hell are you jealous?
Rosalie: Because you're human.
Bella: Huh…not the answer I was expecting.
Rosalie: I used to be human too, you know.
Bella: Yeah, that's part of how being a vampire works.
Rosalie: I was changed against my will.
Bella: What, did Carlisle kidnap you and forcefully change you?
Rosalie: I mean, yeah, though I'd be dead if he didn't.
Bella: So he saved you?
Rosalie: Well, yeah, I guess, but I wanted to die.
Bella: Why? What happened?
Rosalie: Do you really want to hear my tragic backstory?
Bella: Well, that's what this entire chapter is, so I don't really have a choice.
Rosalie: It all started many years ago…
Bella: How many?
Rosalie: You're going to keep interrupting me with stupid questions, aren't you?
Bella: It's what I do best.
Rosalie: *sigh* Anyway, I was engaged to marry a man named Royce King, one of the most wealthy and attractive bachelors around…
Bella: I thought Emmett was the love of your life?
Rosalie: He is, but I didn't know him at the time.
Bella: So what happened with Royce? He sounds like your sort of guy.
Rosalie: Well…
*flashback*
Royce: Hey guys, wanna take a ride in my wife?
Rosalie: …what do you mean by… *gets shoved to the ground*
*back in the present*
Bella: Jesus fucking Christ.
Rosalie: Yeah, that's when I realised he doesn't exist. Anyway, while I was bleeding out in the gutter, Carlisle found me because he could smell the blood. He took me to his home, and told me this is gonna hurt. I pointed out that I couldn't possibly be in more pain, but he just ignored me and bit me anyway, proving me wrong.
Bella: Of course he did.
Rosalie: And then the murders began.
Bella: They couldn't hold you, could they?
Rosalie: I'd just been gangraped by five men, one of which was set to be my husband. Would you have let yourself be stopped in that situation?
Bella: …I mean, no, but…
Rosalie: Exactly. And I only killed those five, and since they were rapists, they don't count as humans anyway.
Bella: I guess that's fair.
Rosalie: I saved Royce until last. He'd already heard about his four friends by then, so he went everywhere with a couple of guards.
Bella: And because you said you've only killed five people, you calmly explained the situation to the guards and they let you kill him?
Rosalie: …okay, seven murders, but guarding a rapist is just as bad as actually raping someone, so again, justified.
Bella: Did they know he was a rapist?
Rosalie: Doesn't matter. Anyway, I went after Royce wearing my wedding dress. The look on his face was fucking priceless.
*flashback*
Royce: Come on, Rose, you wouldn't kill your beloved fiancé, would you?
Rosalie: No, I wouldn't.
Royce: Oh thank God.
Rosalie: I would, however, eviscerate my rapist.
Royce: Can't you take a joke?
Rosalie: …I'm going to start beating you now. I don't know when I'll stop. I don't know IF I'll stop. All I know is that you'll be dead at the end of it.
*back in the present*
Rosalie: It's fun when I do that.
Bella: What, you regularly beat people to a bloody pulp?
Rosalie: Nah, just Royce.
Bella: What do you mean just Roy… *cut off by sudden screaming*
Rosalie: Excuse me a minute *runs downstairs, and her voice is heard from a distance* Will *smack* you *smack* shut *smack* up? *smack* *Rosalie comes back upstairs* So, where were we?
Bella: So, why are you telling me all this?
Rosalie: It's because you're human, and becoming a vampire isn't something that's reversable. Do you think I'd be this if I had a choice?
Bella: What, be even hotter? Yeah, I reckon you would.
Rosalie: Yeah, I'm hotter than ever, and can't flaunt it, so what's the point?
Bella: I guess that would be a problem.
Rosalie: What I'm trying to say is, don't just rush into this.
Bella: I wasn't planning on it.
Rosalie: Oh…that's good.
Bella: The Volturi, on the other hand, mean that those plans are out the window.
Rosalie: Ah, right…still, don't you wish you could experience some more human stuff, like…
Bella: I'mma stop you right there: no.
Rosalie: Well, I tried.
*the next day at school*
Bella: Looks like it's going to be a great day.
Alice: I can't foresee a single thing going wrong.
Bella: That sounds promising.
Alice: No, as in… *suddenly, the sound of a motorbike rumbling gets louder*
Jacob: *screeching to a halt* Hey Bella, you wanna hang out?
Bella: Sure *jumps on the motorbike, and Jacob peels out of there quickly*
Alice: …that would be why.