Bella: So, what's the latest news with the werewolves?
Jacob: Oh, not much.
Bella: Really? No new imprintings?
Jacob: Well, Quil did, but, uh…I'm not sure how much I should tell you.
Bella: Why? What's the problem?
Jacob: …look, promise you won't judge him too hard.
Bella: That comment alone means I'm already convicting him in my head.
Jacob: …she's two.
Bella: …please tell me you said she's A two, as in she's just really ugly and no-one would normally be attracted to…
Jacob: Nope, he imprinted on a two-year-old.
Bella: Everything about what you just said makes me want to get in contact with the FBI.
Jacob: I swear, it's not as bad as it sounds.
Bella: Isn't it? Because it sounds like this kid is going to be told Quil will be around to love and praise her for her entire life, to the point where she'll basically be groomed into marrying him when she's old enough.
Jacob: …okay, it's as bad as you think.
Bella: Seriously, what the fuck was wrong with your ancestors that they thought any of that would be okay?
Jacob: It was a different time when they made up these arbitrary rules.
Bella: Yeah, but most cultures would at least let the girl hit puberty first before subjecting them to this sort of shit.
Jacob: To be fair, Quil won't do anything particularly nasty until then.
Bella: That's not helping my image of what's happening.
Jacob: Also, Emily's not happy about him imprinting on her niece.
Bella: As she should be. Honestly, how the hell did that conversation even go down with the kid's parents?
Jacob: Like a lead balloon.
Bella: I was going to say a zeppelin.
Jacob: Silly Bella, that's a band.
Bella: So, how's Quil taking this?
Jacob: Well, he's disappointed that he won't be getting laid for a decade…
Bella: I would hope it's a little longer than that.
Jacob: …but he's ultimately accepted his role as a kind of big brother.
Bella: And now it's pseudo-incest too. Fan-fucking-tastic.
Jacob: Plus, the whole not aging thing means he won't be too old for her when she is ready, so that's good.
Bella: Debateable.
Jacob: Unlike you, who will probably be like ten years older than Edward by the time you reach your not aging phase.
Bella: Uh…more like only one year.
Jacob: Silly Bella, you're already a year older than him.
Bella: I'll give you a moment.
Jacob: …oh…Sam won't be happy about that.
Bella: I feel like this is more MY choice than Sam's.
Jacob: But the treaty…
Bella: Fuck the treaty.
Jacob: I can't. It's not a physical entity that I can fuck.
Bella: That's not what I…
Jacob: Plus, Sam won't want me being friends with you if you become a vampire, and Edward's already disappointed me and him can't be friends. Would you really want to deny me yet another friend for his sake?
Bella: Will it make any difference if I mention that the vampire government has decided that I have to be changed, or they'll kill me?
Jacob: Nope.
Bella: Well, that's going to be a problem, isn't it?
Jacob: You could make it not a problem.
Bella: Nah, I'm just gonna go hang out with my vampire friends.
Jacob: You're getting changed NOW?!
Bella: Not what I…oh, whatever.
*at the Cullen's house*
Alice: Huh, I was starting to think the wolves would keep you hostage.
Bella: Oh, like you didn't know I'd come…oh, wait…
Alice: Guess I get to keep this after all.
Bella: Yeah, I was going to ask: why do you have a Porsche now?
Alice: Edward gave it to me as a gift for keeping you company while he's away camping for a few days.
Bella: Don't Porsches cost over 100k?
Alice: Yep.
Bella: He's giving you $25,000 a day just to babysit me?
Alice: Hey, I'm not complaining.
Bella: No reasonable person would. I just hate how rich you guys are.
*that night*
Bella: *suddenly awake* When did I move from sleeping on the couch to the bed?
Edward: Oh, sorry, did you prefer the couch?
Bella: Eh, indifferent, but why do you even have a bed? You don't sleep.
Edward: I also don't need to sit, but you're not objecting to the couch.
Bella: Fair enough…you wanna use this bed for something other than sleeping?
Edward: …like what?
Bella: *raising her eyebrows suggestively* Oh, I think you know.
Edward: BELLA! I told you we're not doing that until we're married.
Bella: No, you said you weren't going to bite me until we're married.
Edward: That's what I meant.
Bella: Oh…okay, what about the other thing then?
Edward: What other thing?
Bella: You know… *Edward stares at her blankly* Banging? *Edward stares at her blankly* Doing it? *Edward stares at her blankly* Knocking boots? *Edward stares at her blankly* Make the beast with two backs? *Edward stares at her blankly* Oh, for crying out loud, SEX!
Edward: Oh, that…yeah, no. I'd probably accidentally kill you.
Bella: Oh, like that would happen.
Edward: Actually, when I was at Hogwarts, there was a half-giant who got sent to Azkaban in my fifth year, and apparently when someone tried to do things to him in the shower, Hagrid did those things to him so hard he ripped him in half. And since I'm at least as strong as him now…
Bella: Stop. I don't need that kind of horrifying image in my head.
Edward: Oops, too late.