Sam: Hey Bella, how's it…
Bella: Zip it. What's your problem?
Sam: Say what?
Bella: Why are you so against letting the Cullens on your land when there's a much bigger threat at hand?
Sam: Why am I what?
Bella: Jacob told me…
Sam: Ah, there's your problem. JACOB! What the fuck have you been telling her? And why do you smell like vampire?
Jacob: Well, I assumed you despised Bella for dating Edward, and because we hate the vampires we wouldn't want them anywhere near our territory, even if there's an unknown vampire or vampires in the area.
Sam: …good lord, what the hell has been going on?
Bella: Wait, what?
Sam: Jacob hasn't told me any of this.
Bella: JACOB! What the hell?
Jacob: I said he probably wouldn't like any of this.
Bella: DAMN IT JACOB! But wait, does that mean…
Sam: Don't get me wrong, Jacob's not entirely wrong. I still hate your vampire boyfriend and his family. However, they have been sticking to their oath…
Bella: You do know I've asked them to change me, right?
Sam: I'm aware, but they haven't done it yet, so I can't act on it. The unknown vampire part concerns me, however.
Bella: Vampires.
Sam: What?
Bella: Edward thinks there might be multiple vampires based on how many murders there's been in Seattle.
Sam: Well, as long as they stay over there…
Bella: Also, they've been stealing my stuff to get my scent.
Sam: Oh, COME THE FUCK ON JACOB!
Jacob: I didn't think you'd be concerned.
Sam: OF COURSE I'D BE CONCERNED! IT INVOLVES VAMPIRES!
Billy: If you're quite done…
Sam: No, I need to…
Billy: Shut up and listen is what you need to do. We need to get to the point of this chapter.
Bella: Can't you just give us an abridged version so we don't just have a block of text from you?
Billy: What do you think the point of this fanfic is?
Bella: Fine, I guess I'll just interrupt you with a sarcastic comment every once in a while, to break it up a bit.
Billy: I can tell it in the form of a flashback if you want, so that the characters tell the story rather than just hearing me speak.
Bella: …I guess that's acceptable.
Billy: Of course, it'll only be the audience who benefit from that, while you'll be doomed to hear me speak the whole time.
Bella: …no, wait…
Billy: *clears throat* In the beginning…
Bella: Son of a bitch.
Billy: …the Quileutes were a small people. In fact, we have always been small…
Quil: Except once we turn into a wolf.
Billy: Please stop interrupting my story.
Bella: Yeah, that's my job.
Billy: Why did we even let the white girl join us?
Jacob: Because I said she could.
Sam: You don't even have any authority here.
Billy: Will you people SHUT UP?! This story's getting told one way or another, and interrupting me isn't going to stop that.
Bella: Damn it.
Billy: Anyway, we do not know how we discovered we had the power to use our spirits to scare the shit out of our enemies, but anytime someone decides to fuck around, they found out. As we know from the story of Utlapa…
*the past*
Utlapa: Chief Taha Aki, I have a question to ask you.
Taha Aki: Ask away, Utlapa.
Utlapa: We have such powerful magic, power well beyond what our neighbours are capable of. Why do we never use it to expand our small territory?
Taha Aki: Well, that's simple Utlapa. We don't need that much more land, so we don't need to expand our territory.
Utlapa: Uh huh…but say, hypothetically, that we did conquer the other tribes in the area? We could use them as slaves…
Taha Aki: You talk of some very evil things, Utlapa. You're just lucky you're my trusted advisor that would never do anything to harm me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go to an isolated cave where I will leave my physical body to go into the spirit world, leaving myself completely defenceless. Would you like to come with me, for my protection?
*back in the present*
Billy: …but then something unexpected happened…
Bella: Utlapa stole Taha Aki's body and destroyed his own so that Taha Aki's spirit was permanently stuck in the spirit world?
Billy: How could you possibly know that?
Bella: It was literally the most expected thing ever.
Billy: *sigh* Fucking white people. Anyway, because the spirits could talk to each other telepathically, Utlapa banned his fellow warriors from entering the spirit world, so that no-one would find out about what he did. Taha Aki realised he might not ever be able to get his body back, until he found a companion in the woods one day: a large black wolf that seemed to appear from nowhere. Or at least, he thought it was a wolf, based on its size…
*the past*
Taha Aki: You poor creature. You look so confused, looking at my spirit form and wondering why I don't just go back to my human form.
Wolf: …spirit? Human form? What's going on? Where even am I?
Taha Aki: You can…understand me?
Wolf: I mean, you said you were human, so it would make sense that I can understand you.
Taha Aki: Wolves can understand humans?
Wolf: Oh, hold on a second, let me show you something *wolf suddenly transforms into a human form*
Taha Aki: Holy shit…you are really white.
Wolf: What did you expect? I'm English. Anyway, my name is Sirius. Sirius Black. Now, if I may ask: who are you, and where am I?
Taha Aki: My name is Taha Aki, and you are in the tribelands of the Quileutes.
Sirius: Quileutes? That sounds Indian.
Taha Aki: The fuck's an Indian?
Sirius: Am I in America?
Taha Aki: The fuck's an America?
Sirius: …okay, that bitch Bellatrix sent me WAY into the past, didn't she?
Taha Aki: You're going through some stuff right now, aren't you?
Sirius: What? No, just the realisation that I've been thrown hundreds of years into the past, while all my friends and my godson are fighting for their lives against a bunch of magical Nazis and could be killed at any moment. Why would I be going through some stuff?
Taha Aki: Wow, and I thought my life sucked.
Sirius: What's your deal anyway? Are you dead, or…?
Taha Aki: Might as well be. That asshole Utlapa stole my body while I was in the spirit world, now I have nothing.
Sirius: Well, I guess we're just a couple of displaced nobodies now.
Taha Aki: It's a little too literal for me.
Sirius: Oops, sorry. Hey, if this Utlapa guy can use his spirit to steal people's bodies, can you get inside another person's body?
Taha Aki: …I don't know, I don't think anyone's tried it before, at least not while someone else's soul has still been in the body.
Sirius: Wanna try it?
Taha Aki: Okay, but it might be a bit cramped *floats into Sirius's body*
Sirius: Whoa, hey, at least buy me dinner first.
Taha Aki: This was your idea, remember?
Sirius: Yeah, but I wasn't aware that my non-corporeal form was into…whatever this is.
Taha Aki: Honestly? Neither was I. But anyway, could you approach the village as your dog form? I don't know how my people will react to someone as white as you.
Sirius: That's fair. They'll have enough of that when Columbus gets here.
Taha Aki: Who?
Sirius: Oh, you'll see. Or at least, I hope you won't.
*back at the village*
Kid: Mummy, look! A doggy.
Mother: You stupid kid, we don't have dogs here, we have…WOLF! THERE'S A WOLF! AND IT LOOKS ANGRY!
Taha Aki: Why are you growling?
Sirius: You said your other spirit warriors could speak to other spirits, right? I figured the best way to get them here was to be aggressive.
Taha Aki: Not a bad plan. Except for the fact that my people are far more likely to throw a spear first, ask question maybe.
Sirius: Oh, like they would… *spear lands three inches in front of his face* …okay, maybe you have a point.
Taha Aki: Oh, you think? Listen, calm the hell down and let me handle this.
Warrior 1: WOLF! Leave this place, or be killed.
Sirius: Any more bright ideas?
Warrior 1: WOLF! You have until the count of ten. One…
Sirius: That's it, I'm taking over *starts scratching in the dirt*
Taha Aki: What are you… *sees the Sirius is writing something* Oh, I see, you're writing the situation for them to read.
Sirius: Yeah, that'll work, right?
Taha Aki: Yeah, except that my people can't read English.
Sirius: …uh oh…
Warrior 1: …nine…te…
Warrior 2: Wait, what's that in the dirt?
Warrior 1: Huh, looks like writing. But, since I can't read it, te…
Warrior 2: Maybe it's written in a wolf language?
Warrior 1: Maybe it is. Anyway, te…
Warrior 2: I think one of us needs to become a spirit and see what the wolf wants to tell us.
Warrior 1: … *sigh* Fine, but then I'm finishing my counting.
Sirius: As I was saying, I'm a genius.
Taha Aki: I refuse to believe that worked.
Warrior 2: Yut, if you would.
Yut: But didn't the chief tell us not to become spirits because of a dangerous attack?
Warrior 2: Didn't he also start banging your twelve-year-old sister?
Yut: …you know what? Fuck that guy.
Warrior 1: Like your sister?
Yut: I will kill you next *becomes a spirit*
Taha Aki: Hey Yut.
Yut: …hey…so about you banging my sister…
Taha Aki: It's not me, it's Utlapa. He stole my body.
Yut: He did always comment about her ass ever since she was ten. Boy, when I get back into my body, that man is going to…
Utlapa: Is that wolf dead yet? *sees Yut's body on the ground* …what the…
Yut: *coming back into his body* Guys, the chief is… *Utlapa slits his throat*
Utlapa: …killing you because you broke my "no spirit world" rule.
Warrior 1: I don't know, didn't seem like he was in that much danger.
Warrior 2: Yeah, it's almost like you're trying to hide something from us.
Utlapa: Yeah? Like what?
Taha Aki: *changing Sirius into his human form* Like the fact that you killed me, maybe?
Sirius: Hey, who said you could control my body like this?
Taha Aki: Shut up, I need it right now.
Warrior 1: …chief?
Utlapa: Yes?
Warrior 1: What the fuck is going on?
Utlapa: Uh…clearly this wolf is a dangerous magical creature and should be…
Taha Aki: Enough of your lies, Utlapa.
Utlapa: I'M NOT LYING, CHIEF…oops…
Warrior 2: …Utlapa?
Warrior 1: I knew something weird was up. The real chief would never sleep with a twelve-year-old girl.
Taha Aki: Yeah, I'd wait until they're at least fifteen.
Sirius: Okay, if we're going to be sharing a body from now on, we are going to have a very serious talk about that.
Taha Aki: *sigh* Fine, but first *grabs a spear out of the ground and stabs Utlapa through the head with it*
Sirius: Well, that was unnecessarily violent.
Taha Aki: He stole my body, he didn't deserve mercy.
*back in the present*
Billy: …and that was the story of how our people became wolves.
Bella: So, a wizard from the future came back in time, and your old chief stole his body because his original body was stolen.
Billy: To be fair, he adopted the wizard's last name of Black to honour him for his help.
Bella: Holy crap, you're his direct descendent?
Jacob: Indeed we are.
Bella: But, then, shouldn't you have been the first wolf?
Jacob: Eh, probably, but that's not important.
Bella: What do you mean it's not…
Billy: Anyway, after Taha Aki retook his position as chief of the village, he continued to defend the village in his wolf form…
Bella: What about…
Billy: …and all his sons thereafter had the peculiar ability of being able to shapeshift themselves, in order to protect the village…
Bella: Guess I'm just getting ignored then.
Billy: But then, one day, after Taha Aki had lived long enough to be married to his third wife, the attacks began…
*the past*
Yaha Uta: Father, I had returned from hunting the mysterious creature that has been attacking our neighbours.
Taha Aki: Excellent. I assume your brothers are bring the creature in?
Yaha Uta: That's the thing…I'm the only one left.
Taha Aki: …what?
Yaha Uta: This…thing… *holding up a bundle* …it got them.
Taha Aki: What is this thing, by the way?
Yaha Uta: That's what I was hoping you'd know *opens up the bundle, showing a torn up white corpse*
Taha Aki: …Sirius, this wouldn't be a friend of yours, would it?
Sirius: Can't say I recognise him. Can I ask what they were doing when you found him?
Yaha Uta: He was drinking blood from a young girl.
Sirius: Ah, like a vampire.
Yaha Uta: A what?
Taha Aki: Hmm, the skin's very cold. From now on, they shall be known as The Cold Ones.
Sirius: Call it what you want, it's not going to change what it is.
Taha Aki: That's exactly what I'm going to… *vampire grabs Taha Aki's arm*
Sirius: WHOA! Didn't know they could do that.
Taha Aki: BURN IT! BURN THE FUCKER!
Yaha Uta: Yes father *grabs the remains and takes them outside*
*in the present*
Jacob: …and that was the end of that.
Bella: Was it really though?
Billy: No.
Bella: Of course it isn't.
Billy: Are you not enjoying yourself?
Bella: Well, this chapter is already about twice as long as any other chapter in this series. Can't we just end it already?
Billy: If you shut up and let me finish, maybe we'll eventually get through it.
Bella: *sigh* Fine.
Billy: Anyway, about a year later…
*the past*
Yaha Uta: Father, there's a female Cold One tearing through the village.
Taha Aki: Then why are you in here, and not out there defending our people?
Yaha Uta: …I figured you'd want to know.
Sirius: He's right, you should know about this stuff.
Taha Aki: And yet, he's still here instead of risking his life to protect our people.
Yaha Uta: *sigh* I'm going, father *leaves and changes into a wolf*
Sirius: Shouldn't you go out and check how things are going?
Taha Aki: I'm sure he's fine *Yaha Uta gets thrown through the front of the tent, already very bloodied up* …ah, crap.
Sirius: Come on, you ready for one last fight?
Taha Aki: Have you seen how old I am? I don't know if I can.
Sirius: Hey, if Harrison Ford can do Dial of Destiny, you can suck it up to defend our people.
Taha Aki: You're right, I can't let him win after he cursed up with that alien crap in the fourth one *transforms into a dog*
Yaha Uta: Father, I don't think I can stop her by myself.
Taha Aki: It's okay son, all we have to do is attack her from opposite sides, and…
Vampire: *ripping off Yaha Uta's head* Oops, was that important?
Sirius: Well, that bitch is gonna die.
Taha Aki: Not sure if you've noticed, but we're not doing a good job of that *said as the vampire swings them around like a ragdoll*
Sirius: We are in quite the predicament. If only we had some kind of distraction to help us.
Third Wife: HEY BITCH! You like blood? Well, come get it *stabs herself in the gut*
Vampire: *suddenly alert* FOOD! *charges at the Third Wife*
Taha Aki: *grabbing the vampire in his jaws and ripping her head off* That's great work sweetie, but you do know you could have gotten the same response by just cutting your hand or something, right?
Third Wife: …fuck… *collapses, dead*
Sirius: Hooray, we saved the village.
Taha Aki: My entire family is dead.
Sirius: What about our other kids?
Taha Aki: They'll have to defend the village themselves now.
Sirius: What do you mean?
Taha Aki: I mean I'm done. I'm leaving.
Sirius: I'm not agreeing to this.
Taha Aki: And I'm not asking permission *starts running into the woods*
Sirius: No, wait wait wait wait wait… *tries to turn them around, but can't*
*the present*
Billy: And that's the story of how the first wolf went into the woods to mope, and never came out again.
Bella: And this is relevant…how?
Billy: Oh, you'll see.
Bella: …can I go home now?