Bella: *being dragged in the Cullen house* Please, stop! I beg of you! I've already had enough of exposition two chapters ago with the wolves.
Edward: Come on Bella, don't you want to hear about Jasper's early life?
Bella: Can he summarise it into ten words or less?
Jasper: No, I cannot.
Bella: Then I don't.
Alice: Yeah, I can already see she's not going to change her mind.
Bella: Damn right I'm not.
Alice: Not without some mild persuasion, at least.
Bella: …what do you mean by…
Jasper: You want to hear my backstory, don't you?
Bella: Oh boy, that sounds like a lot of fun…wait, did you…
Jasper: Glad to hear it, Bella. Now, where to begin…
Bella: *muttering* Fucking emotion bender.
Jasper: I was born in Texas in 1844, and in 1861 I lied about my age so I could join the Confederate Army.
Bella: Weren't they the racist ones?
Jasper: Hey, come on, it was a different time.
Bella: You wouldn't know by how they act.
Jasper: Alice, is she going to make snarky comments the whole way through my story?
Alice: Yep.
Jasper: What if I manipulate her emotions into 'captivated'?
Alice: No, but she'll hate every minute of it.
Jasper: Good enough for me.
Bella: Can't you just let me make a few snarky comme… *eyes light up suddenly* Tell me more, Jasper.
Jasper: Well, two years into the war…
*flashback*
Soldier: Major Whitlock, all the women and children are safe now sir.
Jasper: Excellent. Get me a fresh horse, I need to get back to Galveston.
Soldier: Why sir?
Jasper: So we can kick the Union's ass. If they think we're going to let them force us to give up our slaves that easy, they've got another thing coming *climbs onto a horse*
Soldier: Godspeed, Major. I'll see you soon.
*back in the present*
Jasper: He did not, in fact, see me soon.
Bella: Because you were attacked by vampires?
Jasper: I thought by now you would have learned to care about my story.
Bella: Why would you think that?
Jasper: Because I can make you do this *uses his power again*
Bella: Golly gee Jasper, what happened next?
Jasper: Well…
*back in the past*
Jasper: Hey ladies, are you lost?
Nettie: Ooh, a soldier.
Lucy: He's kinda cute.
Maria: He's perfect.
Jasper: Umm…okay? If you need help getting to Houston, I could…
Maria: Lucy, could you take Nettie away? I'll take care of this.
Nettie: Aww, you always get to have all the fun.
Lucy: Come on, Nettie. You know what will happen if you stick around.
Nettie: *sigh* Fine *leaves with Lucy, faster than seems possible*
Jasper: What…what's going on here?
Maria: Major, you're about to have a night you will never forget.
Jasper: …am I about to lose my virginity?
Maria: Oh, you're losing something alright *bites him*
*back in the present*
Jasper: I woke up three days later, hungry for blood and frustratingly still a virgin. At least, none of them ever owned up to it.
Bella: Is there a point to this?
Jasper: Have you not been listening to anything I've said about the vampire wars?
Bella: I thought you were talking about the Civil War?
Jasper: There can be two wars at the same time.
Bella: Yeah, but you were specifically talking about one, and now you're telling me about a completely unrelated one?
Jasper: To be fair, we were using the Civil War to cover up our…feedings.
Bella: *sigh* Can we just get to the point here?
Jasper: Basically, vampires wanted control of land in the south, and to do that they kept building armies of newborns.
Bella: Why newborns?
Jasper: Because newborns in their first year of life have an insane amount of strength compared to any other vampire.
Bella: …why?
Jasper: Because.
Bella: …no, seriously, why?
Jasper: Look, do you want to hear the rest of my story or not?
Bella: We both know I don't, but you're going to make me anyway.
Jasper: Damn right. Anyway…
*the past*
Maria: Jasper, you're always such a good judge of character. Why do you think that is, exactly?
Jasper: I don't know, probably has something to do with this weird sense I have of how people are feeling at any given moment.
Maria: That certainly sounds like it would help.
Jasper: For example, did you know Nettie and Lucy are feeling traitorous at the moment?
Nettie: *who had been sneaking up on Maria with an axe* What the…?
Lucy: *who had been sneaking up on Maria with a box of matches* Damn it, Jasper.
Maria: Well, in that case *immediately beheads the two of them*
Jasper: You're not upset about killing your two closest companions?
Maria: They were planning to murder me, why would I have mercy?
Jasper: Yeah, that's fair.
Maria: Also, some of the newborns are coming up on the one-year mark. Can you keep them calm while you murder them?
Jasper: Yes ma'am.
*back in the present*
Jasper: And so it went for a while.
Bella: And the Volturi never got involved with this?
Jasper: Oh, they came all the time. That's why there's a law against making a newborn army these days.
Bella: And yet they've been ignoring things over here for months?
Jasper: Well, that's because there's never been a large group of vampires in the north for an army to beatdown.
Bella: Uh huh. And how big is an average coven?
Carlisle: Normally no bigger than three or four, why?
Bella: And how many of you are there?
Edward: Silly Bella. Who'd want to kill us in order to do… *realises everyone's thinking the same thing* …oh…
Alice: Also, I just realised someone keeps changing their mind between a bunch of different things at a rapid pace.
Bella: …well, that sucks.
Edward: No, we do. When we eat, least.
Jasper: We're going to need some back-up if we're going to take Victoria's army on.
Carlisle: I'll call Tanya *takes out his phone* Hey Tanya…no, no, we're good, except…what…yeah, the wolves are still around…no, we don't intend to cull them…oh…oh, that's bad…well, I guess we can handle it ourselves then…okay, well, we'll see you around then *hangs up* So, apparently Laurent was banging Irina…
Jasper: Son of a bitch.
Bella: So, we're on our own?
Esme: Pretty much.
Rosalie: Great, now we have to die for the human.
Emmett: Speak for yourself, I'm going to kill WAY more newborns than the rest of you.
Bella: Good to see your taking your death sentence in stride.