Bella: Okay, so, you apparently love me. But it can't be love love, since that would require you to have imprinted on me, right?
Jacob: Correct.
Bella: Then how?
Jacob: I don't know, but I do. Almost like I'm drawn to you. Or at least a small part of you. And I want it so badly.
Bella: Well that's just creepy.
Jacob: Please tell me you love me too.
Bella: As a friend, yes.
Jacob: I meant more than that.
Bella: No.
Jacob: Come on, please?
Bella: Jacob, you're sixteen. You don't know what love is.
Jacob: Physically, I'm more like twenty-five.
Bella: Yeah, and biologically you're a teenager, so I get cramming a teenager into an adult's body is probably causing some level of confusion…
Jacob: Speaking of teenage me cramming something into your adult body…
Bella: Jesus Christ Jacob…
Jacob: Okay, okay, maybe you don't love me yet. But maybe, if I do this… *starts leaning closer towards Bella*
Bella: Jacob, what are you… *Jacob kisses her, and she immediately starts trying to push him off of her*
Jacob: *ending the kiss* Do you love me now?
Bella: Jacob?
Jacob: Yes?
Bella: *throws a punch into Jacob's face, only to hear bone cracking sounds* Please tell me I'm stronger than I think and that your jaw is now broken.
Jacob: Nope.
Bella: Didn't think so *screams in agony*
*on the drive home*
Jacob: I can't believe you thought you could hurt me.
Bella: I can't believe you sexually assaulted me.
Jacob: Silly Bella, we didn't have sex.
Bella: That's not what…ugh, whatever, just take me to the Cullens.
Jacob: Why would I do that?
Bella: So Carlisle can have a look at my broken hand.
Jacob: It's not broken.
Bella: You can literally see the bones poking through the skin, Jacob.
Jacob: Shouldn't bone be singular since it's supposed to be one bone, just broken?
Bella: …I fucking hate you right now.
Jacob: Anyway, here we are at your place.
Bella: I told you to take me to the Cullens.
Jacob: Yeah, but I didn't want to do that.
Bella: Fine, I'll call them when I get inside.
Jacob: Is your dad going to be pissed about your hand?
Bella: Probably. On an unrelated note, how do you wolves hold up against shotgun blasts at point blank range?
Jacob: Probably tickle a bit, why do you ask?
Bella: You'll see in a moment *enters the house*
Charlie: Hey Bella, what happened to your hand?
Bella: I broke it punching Jacob in the face.
Charlie: How many times do I have to tell you: keep your thumb over your middle finger when you make a fist in order to avoid injury. Why did you punch him, by the way?
Bella: He kissed me.
Charlie: YOU'RE FUCKING TWO GUYS NOW?!
Bella: I didn't consent to it.
Charlie: Oh, that changes everything *grabs Old Betsy* Hey Jacob, I need to talk to you about something.
Bella: And I need to call a doctor *picks up the phone and dials as a shotgun blast is heard in the background*
Jacob: Hey, that tickles.
Charlie: Damn it Betsy, don't just take it easy on him.
Edward: *on the phone* Hi Bella, what's up?
Bella: Hey, is Carlisle there?
Edward: *on the phone* Yeah, why?
Bella: Because I think I broke my hand punching Jacob.
Edward: *on the phone* Why were you punching Jacob?
Bella: Because he forcefully kissed me.
Edward: *on the phone* Oh…be there soon *hangs up*
Bella: How soon does he mean by… *suddenly hears a car screech up to the house* …ah, that quick apparently.
Charlie: Bella, your boyfriend's here. And if you don't tell him you were cheating, I will. More to see if he'll break up with you or not.
Bella: I already told him on the phone.
Charlie: You did? Okay, one moment please. Don't let those two start without me *runs into the kitchen*
Bella: What does he… *sees Charlie come back with a bucket of popcorn* Of course that's what he meant.
Edward: Hey Jacob. Heard you got into some funny business with Bella.
Bella: I wouldn't call sexual assault 'funny', but whatever.
Jacob: Yeah, sorry about that.
Edward: You should be. You know she likes you as a friend, why would you want to screw that up?
Jacob: I just…really like her, you know? I was just hoping she'd like me back.
Edward: Dude, is that what this is about? Don't stress about it, someday you'll have someone who likes you like that.
Jacob: Yeah, I hope so.
Edward: Don't worry, I know so. Come on Bella, let's get you to Carlisle.
Bella: This isn't even close to how I thought this would play out.
Charlie: You're telling me. I thought there'd be bloodshed. BOO!
*in the car*
Bella: Why's the chapter called Bet, by the way?
Edward: Emmett and Jasper have a wager about whether you'll kill someone in your first year of being a vampire.
Bella: Is it relevant to the plot?
Edward: Not really.
Bella: Okay, good…what, you thought this chapter would end on a joke?