It's about time we had an MJ appreciation chapter. I've been on a Tom Holland and Zendaya kick lately, which naturally translates into wanting to write more Parker and MJ in this universe. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that MJ's perspective of the whole Carol May meeting Steve situation was not talked about nearly enough. So, in a 3-day fugue state I wrote 10,000 words by hand and then typed them up into what you are about to read. I usually break anything this long into multiple chapters, but this is such an arc in itself that I think it works better as a single unit. Warning for graphic medical realism (think Wanda's birth chapter from Beyond Gravesen but more detailed). Anyways, enjoy this angst-fest!
A Dozen Kinds of Pain:
They hadn't been trying for a baby. Well, they hadn't been trying particularly hard not to have one, but the news still came as a surprise. Her parents had a very difficult time conceiving her, so she'd naively assumed she'd have to put in a lot of effort–both physical and financial–to get pregnant. Yet here they were, nine weeks in, having arrived here completely by accident.
Not that they weren't ecstatic to be expecting. They'd talked about growing their family on many occasions, and Parker cried tears of (mostly) joy when she showed him the results of both at-home tests. They'd wanted to wait until they were a bit older and–as terrible as it sounded–until no one in their family was gravely ill. Steve announced his prognosis two years ago, and they agreed to wait until after he was gone. It was just easier that way, not to risk the overlap of the two most stressful things a person could experience.
Unfortunately, their carelessness meant they no longer had the luxury of avoiding any chance of overlap, which dropped them on the doorstep of an impossible decision:
"Who are we going to tell?"
MJ sat at one end of the sofa with a hand resting on her belly. So far, the only person outside of this room to know about what rested beneath her palm was the obstetrician who confirmed its existence. Parker, seated at the opposite end of the sofa, fisted a hand in his hair and mumbled, "I don't know."
"I'm telling my parents," she informed him. That wasn't really in question, but she hoped it would help start the conversation.
"Yeah, of course."
When he didn't respond with any suggestions of his own, MJ prompted, "Do you want to tell your parents?"
He rubbed a hand over the back of his neck and refused to meet her eye. "I, uh…I already told them."
MJ frowned. They'd agreed not to tell anyone until after this conversation. But, considering his body language currently radiated sadness and desperation, she elected not to give him grief for it now. "I'm surprised they haven't already called to congratulate me," she said.
Parker finally looked up at her, and from one glance at his face she knew she got it wrong.
"Oh." She didn't say it so much as the syllable fell from her mouth. "Not Alex and Russell, but…your other parents." The dead ones.
"Yeah. And May and Ben."
"That's okay. I'm glad you told them. They'd be so excited and so proud of you."
He tried to smile, but it didn't quite work.
"Come here." She held out her arms as Parker crossed the sofa to sit beside her. "I don't know why we didn't start off like this," she said, shaking her head. She wrapped her arms around her husband and rested her chin on his head.
"Is this one of those sympathetic pregnancy symptoms some dads get?" he asked weakly. "You're the one with all the hormones, but somehow I'm the emotional mess."
MJ laughed into his hair. "No, baby, I think you're just emotional."
"Yeah, that makes more sense." He gave a weak laugh that was about sixty percent sniffle.
"We should tell Alex and Russell. They'll be so excited."
"Yeah, we can tell them."
"And we should tell Ned."
"Yeah, him too."
They'd run out of easy 'yes's.
"You know your family best," she said. "What are you thinking?"
"I want them to know."
MJ wasn't expecting him to say it with such confidence. Parker continued, "They're such an important part of my support system, and I'm going to need all the support I can get."
"I agree. Do you want to do it at Christmas?"
"No," he said vehemently. "The Avengers and I–well, everyone but Steve and Bucky–we've been talking about Christmas. It's probably going to be his last, and we want to make it extra special. I don't want our news to take any attention from him."
"Okay."
"Is that okay?"
"Yeah, I just said okay. It's a Christmas party, if I'm showing at all I can just size up my ugly sweater."
Parker laughed for real this time, and it trailed off into an awe-struck, "Wow."
"What?"
"You're gonna start showing someday."
"And?"
"Nothing. It's just…amazing."
"Well I'm glad one of us is looking forward to it."
"You can duct tape a bowling ball to me if I get too annoying about it."
"I don't think it'll come to that."
"When will I be able to feel them kick?"
"I'm not even sure. We'll have to get one of those books."
"Can I feel it when it starts happening?"
"We share a bed, you might not have a choice," she said with a laugh.
"That's okay. You'll have to feel all of them whether you like it or not. It's the least I can do."
"Don't remind me."
"I wish I could do more of the work for you, but that's not biologically possible."
"So you promise to do all the cooking and laundry and dishes and shopping from now until June?"
"Yes. Whatever you want from me, it's yours."
"For now, I just want you to stay here with me a little longer."
He snuck a kiss where her jaw met her ear. "No problem."
~0~
Usually, MJ was pretty indifferent towards Christmas. She didn't dislike the holiday or anything, but it didn't get her in a festive tizzy like it did some people (i.e. her in-laws). This year, however, the season had her in a completely different kind of tizzy. They were spending Christmas at Stark Tower with Parker's entire family to celebrate what was almost certainly Steve's last Christmas. And they weren't planning to tell anyone there that she was pregnant.
On the cusp of her second trimester, MJ now got dizzy if she moved too fast, her abdomen and legs cramped up at random intervals, and morning sickness continued to plague her. She felt so different than normal that she couldn't imagine how anyone could fail to notice something was off. Parker swore up and down that it wasn't that obvious, and pointed out that most people would be focused on Steve anyway. He made a good point. As nerve-wracking as it was to hide this huge secret, she really wanted to be with Parker's family for the holiday. In a vicious cycle, her own desire to attend then amplified other concerns. Though she hadn't yet, it was possible she could develop a runny nose. Not the contagious kind, just from inflammation in the mucus membranes, but everyone else would assume it was a cold and that was a huge no if she was going to be around Steve. She prayed to every mother-figure deity in every religion she knew of that she would be spared that particular symptom.
Before packing, she tried on every single article of clothing she planned to bring and stared at herself in the mirror to check they adequately disguised the beginnings of her baby bump. She then made Parker confirm her analysis. Once they arrived at the Tower, however, things got easier. As Parker suspected, most of the guests directed their attention primarily towards Steve. MJ could fade into the background without hardly trying. It was the best Christmas Eve ever.
A self-proclaimed pessimist, she should've known it was only a matter of time before somebody noticed a crack in her façade. It was all stupid morning sickness's fault. MJ woke up before six and lay curled on her side, begging the nausea to recede. Parker woke up as well. She didn't know how he sensed it, but he awoke every time she got sick, without fail, even though she didn't touch him. He rubbed her back for a few minutes, which sometimes helped. Unfortunately, today was not one of the days it did.
Hoping desperately that no one else was awake yet, MJ beelined to the bathroom to vomit. Parker was hot on her tail and gently held her hair back. She took a few minutes to sit on the floor and breathe before it spiked again and she reached for the toilet. Another few minutes, and the nausea finally abated. MJ washed her hands and face and then went to the kitchen for a glass of water.
"You'd better not have food poisoning because there are twelve people in this house and we all ate the same things."
MJ froze in her tracks. Tony was grabbing a glass from the cabinet, his back to her. He turned around, set the glass on the counter, and crossed his arms.
"It's not food poisoning," she swore. But there was no way Tony would stop his questioning there. She was well and truly cornered.
"Hey, Em, are you feeling be–" Parker came out looking for her and also froze when he noticed their companion. "Tony. Hi…what…what are you doing up this early?"
He pulled up the hem of his shirt, revealing the site where his driveline left his body. "Dressing change. In all the chaos of preparing for this little shindig, I forgot to do it as scheduled." He let his shirt fall back down. "Now please explain why you were puking at ass o'clock in the morning. If you suspected it was contagious, you would already be gone because there are vulnerable people here. Which means you know it's not." His gaze descended from her face to her belly then back up again.
Why did her husband have to have such smart friends? Tony clearly suspected the correct answer, he was just waiting for them to confirm it. She and Parker exchanged a glance. They had no choice but to confess.
"I'm pregnant."
"Please don't tell anyone," Parker added.
"How far along?"
"Sixteen weeks."
"When…when were you planning to tell me?" He directed the question at Parker, his voice full of hurt.
"Soon! We weren't sure exactly when, but we knew we wanted this gathering to be for Steve. If…if people knew, we'd be getting attention that we'd rather go to him."
Tony nodded in understanding. "Okay. I won't tell anyone."
"Thank you," they both said.
"Since you're up, want to help me make breakfast?"
"Sure!"
Parker put coffee on, MJ gathered dishes to set the table, and Tony started whipping up batter for French toast. Fortunately, the bout of nausea had appeared to pass entirely, and not even the strong scents wafting around the kitchen brought it back. She heard a door open and close down the hall, and moments later Steve entered the kitchen. One look at his face, and MJ knew they'd made the right decision. He was already so happy having them all together for the holiday. Telling him about the baby would create yet another joyful memory for him, entirely separate from this one. She wanted him to have as many of those as possible.
~0~
When she hit 33 weeks, Steve came down with pneumonia. MJ despaired. His imminent death lingered over them, its shadow darkening her every waking moment–and some of the sleeping ones too. She dreamed of Steve's funeral grinding to a halt because she went into labor in the middle of it, of Parker leaving her because she kept the baby all to herself and wouldn't let it out in time to meet Steve, of the baby dying inside of her because all of her stress snuffed the life out of it. Her utter terror of what the next few weeks would bring took over her life.
They'd barely started dating last time one of Parker's friends died. He'd spent most of the immediate aftermath of Clint's passing with his family, and told her very little of what he was going through. She remembered wishing he'd feel safe enough to talk to her while simultaneously feeling glad she didn't have to deal with it because she was hopelessly out of her depth. So this would be her first time at close range with a freshly-grieving Parker.
On top of that, it was her first time being pregnant and inevitably giving birth, an eventuality she dedicated as little thought to as possible without being consumed by anxiety that she was setting herself up to be completely overwhelmed by the harsh realities of labor and delivery. When MJ had to do something new, she researched the hell out of it beforehand. The strategy had always served her well. She'd read countless books, gone to classes with Parker, and read blogs written by parents who'd gone through the process in seemingly all of its many variations.
For the most part, this process helped her feel better prepared for the ordeal. However, some of the things she learned didn't assuage her worries, but instead amplified them tenfold. Like the fact that she was two to four times more likely to die having this baby than a white woman was. That particular statistic wedged itself deep in her core, in one of the few nooks not already occupied by her baby or an organ that said baby pushed out of the way. And there it stayed, locked away. That was the worst part.
She couldn't tell Parker. He would freak out. And the last thing he needed when one of his best friends was actively dying was to worry about losing his wife too. MJ literally threw up when she awoke from that particular nightmare. Steve died first, and she went into labor immediately afterwards. She lasted only a few contractions before one quite literally split her down the middle. Parker extricated the baby from the heap of blood and guts on the floor, only to find her dead too. MJ woke up as he took the bottle of pills from the medicine cabinet. She didn't need to see it to know exactly how that dream ended.
When Parker found her hunched in front of the toilet, she blamed it on acid reflux. Thank goodness for pregnancy being an all-around miserable and unpredictable experience; he didn't question it. Parker just grabbed her some Tums and a glass of water and sat on the floor with her until she felt steady enough to get up.
She couldn't tell Betty either. It was nice to have a friend going through a similar experience, but MJ didn't want to burden the woman with statistics and probabilities when she had real-life complications actually threatening her and her baby's health.
That left her mom. She was white, but she'd proven throughout MJ's life that she could listen and offer advice despite not living the same experience. So, MJ gave Parker a shopping list that spanned three different stores and had him drop her off at her parents' house.
She greeted them both with hugs and hellos, but as quickly as possible urged her dad out of the room. "I got it, I got it! Lady business," he said on his way out, after only a brief argument. MJ felt bad that he'd miss out on so much of her visit time, but she didn't know where this conversation might lead and there were some parts of her body she had no desire to discuss in-depth with her father in the room.
"What's wrong?" Mom asked. MJ never had to say a word for her mom to know when something was troubling her.
She took a deep breath and launched into it. Once she started, the words spilled out uncontrollably. "There's just so much happening all at once, between the baby, and Steve being in the hospital, and Parker, and my own brain going crazy, I feel like it's all going to go wrong all at once and I'm gonna be left all alone to pick up the pieces, but I can't pick up the pieces if I die too, and I don't even want to think about what that would do to Parker, especially with Steve's death right on top of it.
"I feel like it's going to happen any day now, but he wants to meet this baby so badly, and I want him to meet her too, but not if it means she comes too early to be healthy. I don't want to fear for both our lives, and I'm nowhere near ready, the nursery is nowhere near ready, but if he doesn't get to meet her I feel like that's my fault and I don't want Parker's whole family to resent me for denying their patriarch his dying wish."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down, Michelle. One thing at a time. First off, what's this about you dying?"
She took a moment to catch her breath. "I just saw some statistics about the racial discrepancy in maternal mortality rate and it really freaked me out."
"Oh, honey, come here."
MJ scooted forward and let her mom wrap her up in the kind of hug only moms could give. It was a little awkward to work around her bump, but mom made it work.
"I can't pretend to know how scary that must be, but I have always known that you are so much more than a statistic."
The tears finally started. She'd expected them to come sooner, but it must've taken the safety of her mother's embrace for her to finally let go of the composure she'd kept intact for Parker's sake.
"I've seen that statistic too," Mom whispered. "It scared me, too, when you first told me you were pregnant. Let me ask you something: do you know who's going to deliver her?"
"My OB."
"Do you like her?"
"Yeah, she's great."
"That's the most important thing. If you like your OB, and the rest of your team, that's what can make or break your birth experience. And you know what else? You're in charge in there. They can't do anything without your okay, and–if you're incapacitated for whatever reason–then Parker's okay, and I know that husband of yours will stop at nothing to make sure you're given the best treatment."
MJ sniffled and nodded. She trusted her instincts, and she had never been one to let other people change her mind. And, if it came down to it, she trusted Parker with her life.
"Your Aunt Marjorie actually requested a Black nurse when she had Gabe, for her peace of mind. You could do the same thing. You're going to Gravesen, right? Big hospital like that, they're bound to have one on shift."
"That's a good idea." She mentally filed it away for later.
"Okay, next on the ticker: Steve's in the hospital?"
"He has pneumonia."
"Oh dear."
"Parker said they don't know how it's gonna go. He might not make it to the baby's due date."
"I'm so sorry. That must be so hard for all of you."
MJ nodded.
"I know you want him to meet her, but you are not at fault for when she comes. Trust me, babies come when they want to and not a moment sooner. Unless they induce you, but that won't happen unless you're well past due. Regardless, it's not your fault. Nobody will hold it against you–especially not Parker. You and this baby are his number one priority."
Logically, she knew it to be true, but her brain hadn't been very good at listening to logic lately. It had, however, always been good at listening to her mother.
"Will you be there?" she asked.
"When you have the baby?"
"Yeah."
'If you want me there, I'm there. Do you mean in the room, or just waiting outside until the baby's here?"
MJ thought about this for a moment. "I don't know yet. I'll say waiting room for now, and if I change my mind when I get there you'll already be there and can pop in."
"That sounds like a plan." She paused, and they just sat together in silence for a few minutes. MJ was overwhelmed with gratitude for this amazing woman she got to call Mom.
"Is there anything else I can help with?" Mom asked.
"Do you have any tips? For…any of it, really. I've been reading all the resources but it would be nice to hear from someone who lived it."
"Gosh, it was so long ago. You were an easy baby; I think I only pushed for twenty minutes. Let's see..don't be afraid to change positions. If something's not working, don't stay there and try to force it. Counter pressure is your best friend. Have Parker start practicing as soon as possible so his grip is nice and strong when the time comes. For afterwards, I'll bring you some padsicles. Your Aunt Marjorie has a special recipe that she swears by, and they did wonders for me."
"I feel like I should be taking notes."
"I'll send you a summary text, how about that?"
"That would be great."
Mom hugged her once again. "You are going to be such a good mom."
"You really think so?"
"Oh, absolutely. But if this baby has half her parents' smarts, she's going to be a real handful."
"She's related to Parker, she's going to be an angel."
Mom smiled mischievously. "Yeah, but she's also related to you."
MJ laughed so hard that the baby kicked her in the ribs in protest.
~0~
At her next OB/GYN check-up, they spent an extra long time just watching the baby move around. It was the most active she'd ever been during an appointment, but not the most active MJ had ever felt. That tended to happen between the hours of one and six A.M. They also went over the birth plan once again. MJ had no changes to make, only doubled down on everything she'd already said she wanted. It was only Parker who seemed unsure.
"Are you sure you don't want an epidural?" he asked on the drive home.
"Yes, I'm sure."
"But…why?"
MJ had thought about this long and hard, as she had every aspect of pregnancy and parenthood. She wanted as little medical intervention as possible, unless it became absolutely necessary, including pain control. An epidural was just one more thing that could go wrong, and she did not want to risk the kinds of consequences that could result from needles in her spine. The full pain of labor would suck, but at least it probably wouldn't paralyze her. She knew it was unlikely, but her brain was still stuck on two to four times more likely and she thought it better to be safe than sorry. But she couldn't tell Parker the full scope of her fears.
"I don't like needles," she said simply.
"Okay." Parker's thumbs drummed the steering wheel. "Is…is that all?"
"Pretty much. Besides, they pretty frequently don't numb everything, from what I've heard. And I want to be able to move around."
"Okay."
"Would you want one if it was you?" she asked.
"Probably. I don't love needles either, but I think the pain scares me more. I'm scared even knowing it's you who's gonna feel it. I've seen a lot of loved ones hurt, and it never gets any easier."
"We'll get through it," she promised. "This is what we've been practicing for. And the hormones I'll get afterwards will make me kinda forget all that."
"Is that true?"
"I think so. Otherwise, nobody would ever have a second kid."
"That's reassuring. But I don't get any happy hormones, so I'll remember and then I'll never knock you up again."
MJ laughed. "You'll get some happy hormones seeing your daughter for the first time, I'm pretty sure."
"Can you believe she's almost here?"
"I can't believe she still has a few more weeks considering how much space she already takes up." MJ ran a hand over the expanse of her bump. She didn't see how it could possibly get any bigger.
"Are you excited to meet her?"
"More excited than I've ever been in my life."
~0~
Steve survived the pneumonia, much to everyone's great surprise and relief. But now more than ever, the race was on. MJ got bigger, Steve got sicker, and Parker grew more anxious. On the bright side, his chosen coping mechanism was to complete all the pre-baby chores on their extensive list. The nursery came together, the car seat was installed. The breastfeeding supplies and bottles were cleaned and organized, diapers stocked, food prepared and frozen for later, and the baby's hospital bag packed. Just about everything that could be accomplished by the non-gestational parent, Parker did.
Bucky's updates were vague. MJ couldn't tell if that was for his benefit or everyone else's. Once she hit thirty-eight weeks, her doctor told her it could happen any day. From the little information she could glean from Bucky's texts, the same was true of Steve's last breath.
Which is why, when she started having contractions mid-morning one Friday, she told no one but Parker and Dr Davis.
"Are you sure? These are the real deal?" he asked, eyes wide with wonder.
"Pretty sure." She'd had a few bouts of Braxton Hicks in the past weeks, and this felt much more intentional.
"It's go time?"
"Yeah."
They locked eyes, neither of them quite believing the moment was finally upon them. A dozen different emotions flitted across Parker's face, and she knew her own face reflected most of them. Excitement, trepidation, love, uncertainty, joy, and–most importantly–hope. Steve was still alive. The baby was coming. Their time on this Earth might just overlap after all.
But first, they had a whole lot of work to do. Parker finished packing their hospital bags while she waited for the next contraction. They were just beginning to gain some real regularity, and it was only a matter of time before they picked up steam both in strength and frequency. For now, they came every fifteen minutes or so and lasted only thirty seconds each.
"How's the pain?" Parker asked when he returned to find her in the middle of one.
"Three or four out of ten."
"What can I do?"
"Make lunch?"
"On it."
God, she loved him. She could ask him to drive four hours for a salad only made at a tiny family-owned restaurant in the middle of nowhere, and he'd do it without question. Not that she'd ever do that. She didn't want to spend that long away from him. While he busied himself in the kitchen, she called work to inform them her maternity leave would most likely start this coming week. By the time she hung up, Parker was calling her into the kitchen.
"Did you know the joints in my pelvis literally have to loosen?" she asked as she sat down at the table. As soon as her back hit the chair, she knew she would not last long sitting on such a hard surface.
"You're telling me this…why?" He sat down across from her.
She shrugged. "I thought it was interesting. I read this book in college…it turns out evolving both a big head and walking upright is a terrible idea. The pelvis just isn't wide enough."
"Interesting. What else about human design is flawed?"
"Not unique to humans, but when testicles started evolving to be external, they went the wrong way."
"What do you mean?"
"They dropped behind the ureters instead of in front, so all the tubing is tangled. Instead of going straight out, sperm has to go back into the body and around the ureters to get out."
"Sounds highly inefficient."
"It is."
"But clearly not that inefficient," he said with a cheeky grin.
MJ shook her head. "This baby better be nothing like you."
"I agree. I hope she's exactly like her mother."
She would've had a snarky comeback, but a contraction caught her off guard. Once it abated, she finished her food and put her dishes away. "We should go for a walk," she suggested.
Parker was up and out of his chair in an instant, his lunch almost untouched.
"Slow down, you can finish your food," she said. "Just because I'm in labor doesn't make me your supreme overlord."
He settled slowly back into his seat. "If you're sure. But it's really no trouble. From now until this kid is born, you are all that matters to me."
"And once she's out, that's when you run away with your mistress?"
He clearly knew she was joking, but didn't seem to appreciate the subject.
"I'm sorry; you know dark humor is my go-to in pretty much any situation."
"I forgive you."
"I'm glad. Now finish your food in however much time you want to use. She doesn't seem to be in any sort of hurry."
The previous contraction had left behind an overwhelming need to crack her right hip. With one hand supporting her belly and the other on the chair in front of her, she drew circles with her knee until she heard a satisfying pop.
"Oh my god, was that your hip?"
"Yep."
"Is this part of the whole pelvis joint loosening thing?"
"I don't know."
A full fifteen minutes passed before the next grabbed hold of her. Hopefully this walk would speed things along. Parker finished eating and they linked hands on their way out the door. Without any verbal discussion, they both naturally headed towards one of their usual routes.
"What would happen if we got in a time machine right now and went back to when we were foster siblings?" Parker asked.
"Are we going back to occupy their bodies, or are we showing up in the past as we currently are?"
"The second one."
"I'd be scared out of my mind. Twelve-year-old me never thought she'd be pregnant."
"No?"
"I always thought I'd be a single mom and adopt. Never imagined I'd be close enough to another person to want to have a kid with them."
Parker squeezed her hand. "Yet here you are."
"Here I am." Right on time, another contraction.
"I can't wait to impart four dads worth of wisdom to this kid."
"You have a lot of great influences to draw on," MJ agreed.
"So do you. Your mom is the best."
"Yeah, she's great."
"Have you talked about what the baby is gonna call them?"
"They want to be Nana and Papa Jones. But whatever she starts saying is what's gonna stick."
Parker chuckled. "That's true. Mine want to be Granddad and Granddaddell."
"At least there's no confusion there."
"When should we call them? Tell them what's happening?"
"On our way to the hospital, I think. I like that it's just us for this part." She rested her free hand on her belly. "It's our little secret. Just for a bit."
"I like that too."
"But you're a terrible secret keeper."
"Only with my own secrets!" he protested. "If it's something that another person trusted me with, it's staying locked up tight." He pointed to his head.
"In that case, can I tell you a secret?"
"What?"
"I love you."
~0~
Not much changed over the next eight hours. Somewhere along the way, the interval between contractions shortened to 8-10 minutes and their duration lengthened to 45 seconds. She was much more intentional with her breath, trying to conserve stamina for the work yet to come. After dinner, she tried to rest in their bed and managed maybe two and a half hours of sleep. Then, a contraction stronger than any of the ones before wrenched her from her doze. Her groan of discomfort summoned Parker immediately. She rolled onto her side and sat up, hunched around her belly.
"What can I do?" he asked.
"Help me up," she instructed. Parker approached and offered his hands. MJ reached for his shoulders instead and leveraged herself to standing.
"Did you get any sleep?"
"A bit. Don't think I'll be getting much more tonight."
"How about the next few months?"
MJ tightened her grip on his shoulders and glared.
"Too soon, sorry," he relented.
"One thing at a time."
"Yes ma'am."
"Don't ever call me that again."
"Understood."
Another contraction, maybe five minutes from the previous. As she breathed through it, she noticed a trickle of fluid running down the inside of her leg.
"Parker," she said urgently.
"Yes?"
"I think my water just broke."
Neither of them said anything.
"Well…" Parker began. "We're already packed, so…"
"Let's go have a baby."
~0~
Parker texted his parents and the Avengers to let them know the moment was upon them. While he drove them to Gravesen, MJ called her mom and put her on speaker.
"Guess what," she said before Mom even had a chance to say hello.
"Is she coming?"
"She's coming," MJ confirmed.
"Huzzah! You're going to have a May baby. That's so much better than a June baby."
"Why's that?"
"Emerald birthstone. Much prettier than pearl."
"Whatever you say, Mom."
"How's it going so far?"
"Not bad. It started around ten this morning. We're on our way to the hospital now."
"How are you feeling?"
"Nervous and excited."
Mom laughed. "That sounds about right. Do you want me to meet you there?"
She thought about it. Honestly, now that the moment was upon them, she wanted to keep this sacred space between her and Parker for a little bit longer. Nurses and doctors would certainly be involved shortly, but she didn't want to add yet another new person. "You know what, I'm okay. You should get some sleep. But keep your phone on, I'll have Parker call you when things get exciting."
"You're the boss. Good luck, sweetheart."
"Thanks Mom."
"Try your best to be nice to Parker, okay? I know it'll be difficult, but I'm afraid he won't take well to being yelled at, even if you don't really mean it."
Parker laughed out loud.
"Mom, you're on speaker."
"Oh, no. Sorry Parker!"
"No worries. I was prepared to be yelled at or insulted at least a few times."
"Apologies in advance," MJ said.
"I forgive you in advance."
"I'm gonna go now. Call me if anything changes."
"We will."
"Good luck!"
"Thanks."
Between their arrival at the hospital and being admitted to labor and delivery, nearly two hours elapsed. They tested to confirm that the fluid she lost was, in fact, amniotic fluid, and now that her contractions were down to five minutes apart she was officially in active labor. MJ started to get nervous while they waited, but the feeling eased as soon as she met her primary nurse: a smiling Black woman named Taylor. She hadn't yet thought to request a Black nurse like she'd planned, and now she wouldn't even have to. It was a good omen if she'd ever seen one.
The first thing Parker did once they were brought to their room was explore every nook and cranny. Then he unpacked their portable fan, an impressive snack collection, and his LEGO minifigures. He lined them up on the bedside table: Carol, Tony, Steve, and Bucky.
"Why are they facing the wall?" MJ asked.
"Privacy."
"Parker, they're made of plastic."
"I know but…it's the principle of the thing."
"Whatever." She had more important things to worry about. Once they got settled in, Taylor came in to set up her fetal monitors and check her cervix. Dr Davis also stopped in to ask about her progress and answer any questions. Taylor talked her through every step and asked permission before touching anything. Her hands were both small and gentle, which MJ greatly appreciated.
"Looks like you're about four centimeters," she said. She withdrew her hands and removed her gloves. "Buckle up, you're in for a long night."
MJ smiled resignedly. "I figured as much."
"For now, all we can do is wait and monitor. Your plan says you want no pain meds, is that correct?"
MJ nodded tightly, eyes scrunched tight against another contraction.
"Alright. If you change your mind or need anything else, the call button is right there. I'll be back in a few hours to check you again."
"Sounds good. Thank you."
With that, Taylor left them in peace.
"Wow," Parker remarked. "I wasn't expecting to be left to our own devices for so long."
"Being here is more of a precaution than anything."
"Yeah, I feel better knowing help is just a button push away."
"Same."
"Can I text my family? Let them know we're here?"
MJ nodded, too busy breathing through a contraction to speak. Once it passed, though, she grew restless–she did not want to let another one pass lying in bed. She rolled the yoga ball out of the corner and set the fetal monitor on the ground beside it. The relief for her hips was immediately.
"Come here," she told Parker, pointing to the space right in front of her. He scampered over like a dog promised a treat. "Can I just…" She couldn't figure out how to articulate the request, so she just put her hands on his waist and dropped her head to his stomach.
"Yeah, that's fine," he said. "Whatever you need." He placed his hands on her shoulders and started to massage them. "Is this okay?"
"'S great."
"How's the pain now?"
"Six." The next contraction made her reevaluate. "Six and a half."
They stayed there for over an hour, riding out wave after wave of contractions. Parker's hands worked wonders on her shoulders and lower back, and hers stretched out his shirt from grabbing it so tightly.
"What does it feel like?" Parker asked in the brief interval between.
"You really want to know?"
"Yeah. It might help me sympathize, if I can picture it."
MJ smacked her lips as she tried to devise a way to explain it in terms he'd understand. "Period cramps but way worse" wasn't exactly enlightening for a man who'd never experienced a period before. "It's like…someone crushing my entire midsection with a trash compactor."
"That's what I get for asking an English major to describe something."
"Was it helpful or not?" she grumbled.
"It was. Very vivid. Reminds me of that scene from Star Wars when they get stuck in the giant trash compactor."
"Everything reminds you of a scene from Star Wars." She trailed off as another contraction came over her. "I'm ready to move," she announced when it concluded. Parker helped her to her feet and awaited instruction. Once she stood up, she already felt better, so she decided to take the next few standing. She took a few sips of water and walked some laps of the room. Parker shadowed her the whole way, so he was right there for her to brace against when a particularly strong one came. She put her hands on his shoulders and doubled over. It helped, but she wished her arms could take a little more weight.
"It's a bummer you're so short, otherwise this would feel way better."
"I can stand on a stepstool?"
"No, I think I'm just gonna…" she let her knees bend and left her hands on Parker's shoulders. The release in her shoulders and upper back was heavenly, and the weight of the baby drifted far enough forward to give her pelvis a short reprieve.
"Better?" Parker asked.
She nodded, and let the next contraction come to her here. When she straightened up, the mass of the baby settled even lower, pressing more urgently against her pelvis.
"I think she's lower."
"That's a good thing, isn't it?"
"Yeah." She took another lap around the room, one hand under the mass of her belly.
"Something's different," Parker agreed. "You're walking funny."
"You try walking normally with a bowling ball where your bladder should be."
"I doubt I could."
She thought back to a video Parker had shown her years ago, of Steve's first steps after his lung transplant. He'd had probably ten to fifteen times more medical equipment attached than she did, was probably in as much if not more pain, yet he still did what he needed to do to get through. If he could do it, so could she.
Taylor came back in the wee hours of the morning to check her progress. "About seven centimeters now," she informed them. "You're coming along great. How have things been in here?"
"They're getting worse," Parker said. "Is that normal?"
"Yes, that's very normal. As you approach full dilation and effacement, things will continue to ramp up. Once you get to the pushing phase, most people say those contractions hurt less."
"Great. Something to look forward to," MJ said blithely.
"You'll get there soon," Taylor promised. "You're doing amazing."
She certainly didn't feel amazing. As the sun rose outside their window, she reached the level of pain that forced involuntary noises out of her. She was more embarrassed by that than anything else that had happened so far, but Parker, bless him, kept a straight face and refrained from commenting.
The first hour of full daylight she spent bent over with her head and forearms resting on the bed. Parker dug his thumbs into her lower back as she rocked her hips back and forth. Around eight A.M, she lost the ability to speak during contractions. The pain was exquisite, seizing everything from the crest of her bump right down to her toes. Still, not once did she regret declining the epidural. If she had one, she'd be confined to the bed, and that was the last place she wanted to be.
"I wish I could take some of it for you," Parker said forlornly.
"We'll get you hooked up to one of those period simulators," she said, hands clasped tightly around the sheets beneath her. "Then you can really sympathize."
"Sure."
"You're gonna be a girl dad, this is stuff you need to understand."
"Maybe the next one will be a boy."
"Parker Benjamin Weaver, don't you fucking dare mention the next one until–" the next contraction stole the rest of her sentence, replacing it with a gasp. She grit her teeth and grunted until it abated. The pain never left entirely anymore, but it dropped back down to tolerable. She panted to catch her breath and continued, "Until this one is born, at least. Scratch that, until she's weaned. Or in college."
"Okay. Sorry."
"Push harder." As it stood, she could barely feel his fingers through the barrage of other sensations assaulting her body.
"Better?"
She barely felt the difference, but she wasn't sure Parker was even physically capable of more. "A bit." At this point, she accepted that nothing would really help ease the pain anymore. Another hour passed. An hour of breathing, groaning, and trying not to scream at Parker when his well-intentioned questions and offers served only to irritate her. But then, something changed. The pain continued, but it morphed into something much more intentional, and more directional. Her body seemed to be screaming, "Out!"
MJ pushed the call button and told Parker to call their parents. Both Taylor and Dr Davis answered the call. "It's time," MJ told them, without a shadow of a doubt.
"I suspected as much," Taylor said. "Let's check your cervix one more time just to be sure, but I'll bet my nursing degree you're ready to start pushing."
Parker followed her back to the bed and stood dutifully by her head during the exam. He offered his hand and she took it with a grateful squeeze. Sure enough, she was ten centimeters and fully effaced.
"Looks like it's baby time," Taylor said cheerfully.
A look of disbelief and amazement fell across Parker's face. "Did you hear that, Em?"
In spite of the pain, she smiled. No feeling, physical or emotional, was stronger than her love for her husband in that moment. His excitement was absolutely adorable.
The routine changed pretty drastically after that. Instead of riding out the contractions, sailing across wave after wave of pain merely to reach the next one, she had to use them. MJ had researched tips and tricks for pushing, but she quickly realized she'd wasted her time. The urge was so overwhelming, so instinctual, that she couldn't have done it wrong if she tried. In fact, when Taylor told her to take a break on the next contraction to conserve her energy, she found refraining was a whole lot harder than pushing.
Parker kept his hand in hers the entire time, muttering an almost constant stream of encouragement and declarations of love. Taylor and Dr Davis also spoke to her, offering instructions and encouragement in equal measure. The routine turned monotonous. A contraction would arrive; she'd bear down two or three times; listen to Parker, the medical team, and baby's heartbeat; then rest for a few minutes, have a few sips of water and let Parker wipe the sweat from her brow with a cool washcloth.
The relative ease and comfort of the routine was soon interrupted by a new sensation. MJ knew she must be getting close because she could feel a hard mass approaching an opening much too small for it. It burned like nothing she'd ever felt before. Now she understood why so many people were literally torn apart by this process.
"Almost there. You're doing so well," Taylor encouraged.
"A few more contractions and she'll be here," Dr Davis added.
Knowing the finish line was so close hardened her resolve. She dragged herself to sit up a little straighter and worked even harder on the next one. With each burst of effort, the burning intensified. Her lower body felt like it was on fire. The high-pitched whine she initially thought was an alarm was apparently coming from her.
"Just one or two more, and that'll get the head," Dr Davis promised.
"Do you want to feel her on the next push?"Taylor offered. "She's got some curly hair, it looks like."
"Absolutely not."
"Okay."
"Next one, here we go."
Desperate to get this over with, MJ threw everything she had into the next pushes. The burning grew impossibly worse, then abated all at once.
"Head is out! That's the worst part, should only take one more for the rest of the body."
MJ gathered her breath, squeezed the ever-loving shit out of Parker's hand, and bore down one last time. Thirty seconds passed, and she heard a cry that definitely didn't come from her. No, this was a newborn's cry. Not ten seconds later, they handed her a squirmy, wet lump of baby. For the first time ever, she could see her daughter's face. Wrinkled and grimy as it was, it was the most beautiful face she'd ever seen. MJ clinched this hard-won prize to her chest and exclaimed, "She's got melanin!"
Taylor shared her excitement. "She sure does, Mom. She's gonna grow up to be just as beautiful as you."
"Can…can I see her?" Parker asked. In the moments since the birth, he'd retreated several paces.
"Of course! Get your ass over here."
He stepped forward cautiously, as if afraid she'd change her mind and kick him out.
"Parker, you're allowed to breathe on her. I said get over here."
At last, he got close enough to rest a hand on MJ's shoulder and bent down so he was face-to-face with their little girl. His mouth hung open in amazement. "She does look like you. Her nose, the shape of her eyes, her chin…everything. She's gorgeous."
They spent several minutes just staring at her. Parker helped MJ pull her gown down so they could be skin-to-skin. The baby's cries eventually ceased, but she remained awake, her beautiful baby eyes blinking blearily up at her adoring parents. MJ was so blissed out that she almost didn't notice when the contractions kicked back up again. She delivered the placenta in only two pushes without ever letting go of her daughter. Afterwards, Dr Davis asked to check her for tears.
"Sure, go ahead." The joy of finally meeting her baby was all the numbing agent she needed; she felt nothing.
"Wow," Dr Davis remarked. "I can only find one, and it's very small, only a first degree tear. That'll heal up completely on its own. That's pretty rare for a first-time mom."
"Good for you," Taylor commended.
"It's always a good day when I don't have to give stitches."
Parker nudged her. "You're amazing. Superhuman, dare I say."
"I'm as shocked as they are. It certainly felt like it tore something."
"Was it worth it?"
"Oh, absolutely."
~0~
Taylor took the baby just long enough to cut the cord and get a diaper on her, then she returned her to MJ. For an hour, they just enjoyed each other's company, their familial serenity interrupted only by Taylor returning every fifteen minutes to vigorously rub her belly to help stop the bleeding. She even got to feed her for the first time, which felt both amazing and shockingly uncomfortable at the same time. She'd read it would take a few weeks for the pins-and-needles sensation to abate. MJ watched in awe as the baby's little eyelids fluttered shut and the strength of her latch died away. Just like that, she was asleep.
"If only it could be that easy every time," MJ remarked. She sighed contentedly and declared, "I need a shower."
"Is that okay? I mean…are you allowed yet?" Parker asked.
"I'd better be. Because If I don't get one soon, there will be suffering had by all."
Parker pressed the call button for her. Taylor said there was absolutely no reason for her not to shower. "You've certainly earned it. How about we let baby have some skin-to-skin with Dad while you do that?"
Parker's face lit up. "With me?"
"Yeah. Is that something you want to do?"
"Yeah!"
"Why don't you get yourself comfortable in the armchair. I'll bring you baby, and then help Mom get cleaned up."
"That sounds great."
MJ watched with a grin as Parker took off his shirt and settled in the armchair. She handed the baby off to Taylor, who walked her right over to Parker's waiting arms. He held her to his chest with reverence. "Is this right?" he asked Taylor.
"Yep, just like that. You're a natural."
Taylor returned her attention to MJ and asked to do another fundal massage before her shower. MJ nodded her consent, though internally grumbled at the misnomer. Massages were supposed to feel good, but this was straight-up uncomfortable. Nonetheless she endured, because it brought her one step closer to the much-awaited shower. Once finished with her belly, Teylor helped her to stand. While a bit unsteady on her feet, MJ found that she could walk by herself. The hot water of the shower felt like heaven on her aching muscles. She washed everything twice to be sure she got rid of any trace of dried sweat and blood. Plus, it was an excuse to stay under the glorious spray for longer. When she finally shut off the water, Taylor helped her go to the bathroom and get dressed. The hospital-issue absorbent underwear wasn't exactly comfortable, and she thought longingly of the frozen pads her mom had promised her.
Back in the room, Parker now held the baby in front of him, her hand resting in his palms. He was quietly singing to her, "I ain't got much hair to brush, and there ain't no need for me to flush. And that is why you'll always hear me say…man it sure is great to be a baby. You can sit all day and–" he stopped when he noticed she'd returned. "Your mom's back from her shower," he told the baby. "I'll bet she missed you."
"I did, but the hot water was worth it."
"Do you feel better now that you're clean?"
MJ eased herself back onto the bed. Someone, probably Taylor, had changed the sheets. "A thousand times better."
"Good." He glanced from the baby and back to her. "Can you believe we made this thing?"
"Crazy, isn't it? Only took nine months."
"We should take a picture of her. To send to my family."
"Go for it."
Parker laid her down gently in the hospital's bassinet. He swaddled her with the blanket, hands moving with delicate grace. He'd practiced for hours on a ham back home. "Carol May, this is the first of several thousand pictures I'm gonna take of you."
MJ immediately noticed his use of her middle name. "Are you gonna call her that? Or just Carol?"
"I kinda like it with both names. It just sounds…sweeter. And she's a very sweet girl." He lovingly traced her cheek with his index finger.
"I like it too. How are you so good with names?"
Parker shrugged.
Now that she was clean, MJ was willing to invite their waiting parents to come and meet their granddaughter. They fawned over her and took turns holding her and congratulated MJ and Parker. Her dad was as excited about the baby's skin tone as she was.
"If I didn't know better, I'd say she made this kid all by herself." He smacked Parker on the shoulder.
"She gets most of the credit," Parker agreed.
"Damn right."
As the sun crept toward the horizon, MJ's contentment was replaced with restlessness. There was one very important person who hadn't met this kid yet, and he wouldn't be able to until they left this place. Taylor's shift had ended, and her replacement told them they couldn't be released until the following morning. MJ silently begged Steve to hold on just one more night. Between worrying about him and feeding Carol May, she hardly slept that night.
Discharge constituted an irritating amount of paperwork and final check-ups for both her and the baby. By the time they got out of the hospital and into the car, MJ was exhausted to the point of delirium.
"Are you sure you're up for this?" Parker asked. "Because we can go home, get some rest, and drive up later."
MJ shook her head. "He's hanging on just to meet her. I'm not making him wait any longer." She picked up the phone to call Bucky as Parker pulled out of the parking lot.
"MJ?" He sounded surprised to find her calling him.
"Hey Bucky. We're on our way to your place."
"What? All three of you?"
"No. We left the baby alone," she said. Hopefully, he recognized that as the joke it was. "We should be there in about two hours."
"That's amazing. I'll leave the front door open."
"Okay. See you soon."
"See you soon."
Sitting in a car for an extended period of time was probably one of the worst things she could do to her body right now, but she'd be damned if she let her personal comfort be the things that prevented Steve from meeting this child. When they pulled into the driveway, MJ nursed her, hoping the combination of a two-hour car nap and a full belly would keep her from crying during the visit.
It took all of her willpower not to grimace when she entered the house and saw Steve. She hadn't seen him since before the pneumonia, and the transformation was unbelievable. Gone was the golden-haired young man strong enough to rip a log in half. In his place sat a shrunken, wheezing old man. If it was anyone else in this state, they would've died ages ago, she had no doubt. MJ hated herself for thinking such thoughts, but in her defense was running on very little sleep and not-insignificant blood loss. The weakness of his body notwithstanding, the strength of the resolve reflected in Steve's eyes was unmistakable. MJ handed over the sleepy bundle and stood back as Steve took her in for the first time.
Parker ran from the room sobbing. She'd expected something like that might happen. Unwilling to leave Carol May alone without a parent, MJ sent Bucky to comfort him. Steve's cracked lips fluttered through what she knew must be an incredible speech. She wished she could hear what he had to say, but also respected that these words were meant only for him and the baby.
Towards the end of his speech, he started to sway and looked to MJ for help. She took the baby so he could put his oxygen back on. Bucky and Parker returned soon afterwards. It was time to leave, and while everyone in the room knew it, nobody wanted to suggest it. Carol May had no such qualms, however, and she started to fuss. MJ looked urgently at Parker. He started to follow her to the front door, but stopped in his tracks. Carol May's whimpers escalated into full-on cries. "Take as much time as you need," MJ told him before taking the baby outside. She paced back and forth in the driveway and attempted to console the screaming infant.
Walking out of that house was the hardest thing she'd ever done in her life–including labor. After yesterday's ordeal, a dozen kinds of pain wracked her body from head to toe, but the worst one of all was the ache in her heart.