AN
Before I start this chapter, I wish to go a bit deeper into Harry's family lines how I see it, because unfortunately, canon is Not Helpful. For example, it was assumed for a very, very long time that Harry's grandparents were Dorea Black and Charlus Potter. This was also posted on all the HP wikis in various languages. Then, Rowling suddenly revealed on Pottermore that Harry's grandparents are called Fleamont and Euphemia Potter, completely confusing me. Additionally, find the headcanon that has been circulating on Tumblr for years now about the Potter line being of Indian descent very interesting. (for references please go to user desiharrypotterblog on Tumblr as there is a good summary of posts regarding that. Since I adore the thought of Harry actually being related to the Blacks, I will go with the original theory of Dorea Black and Charlus Potter as his grandparents, but with the Potter family before that being -mostly, never know where love goes- of Indian descent, making Harry roughly a quarter desi.
Sorry for the rant. Enjoy!
Chapter 30 - Splitting choices
Waking up to the smell of breakfast was probably one of Harry's favourite experiences in the world. Cherishing the moment, he stayed in bed for a while as the odour of bacon and eggs wafted into his room. He didn't think he'd ever had this, truth be told. At the Dursley's place, it had been his job, and he'd also taken care of food at Riddle manor. At Hogwarts and the Burrow, the bedrooms had been too far from the kitchen to smell anything despite Mrs. Weasley's wonderful meals. That the smells of today's breakfast were accompanied by a distinct burning scent did not take away from the experience.
''Thought you'd let Kreacher cook?'' Harry asked when he arrived in the kitchen, dressed in comfortable clothes. If Voldemort was going to erase Muggle influence from the Wizarding world, Harry would wear t-shirts and jeans for as long as he could. Sirius was wearing similar attire, plus a studded black leather jacket that made him look like a rebellious teenager. Seeing the man bounce about, juggling pots and pans, damaged that image only slightly.
''And have him serve you a bowl of dry weetabix? I didn't want to spoil your appetite before the fancy dinner party yesterday, but surely you can dig in on a Sunday. Pancakes,'' he exclaimed proudly, pointing to a stack that looked like it threatened to slide off the plate any minute now.
''Need a hand?'' Harry asked as one of the omelettes caught on fire and was doused by a quick spell. Merlin, he realised more and more how alike Sirius and Barty were.
''Everything under control!'' the man cheerfully spoke while Harry saw another batch of sausages burn to a crisp with his own two eyes. Resigned, he sat down at the kitchen table and waited. Dry weetabix didn't sound so bad either... he'd survived an entire month on watery soup from Aunt Petunia. Miraculously, they ended up with an edible meal in the end. ''I made twice as much as I needed to so I had some to botch up,'' Sirius shrugged. ''Not that the rest will go to waste, a Hippogriff's stomach is sturdy enough to digest this mess.'' He waved to the kitchen counter. ''Provided I can scrape it from the bottom of the pots.''
''How did you survive on the run?'' Harry sighed.
Sirius pulled a face at that. ''Having an animal form has the advantage of also having an animal's senses. Raw mammals didn't taste as bad as Snuffles as it would have had otherwise, though it did cause some physical health problems when turning back.''
''If you give me all the details, Witherwings is going to have twice as much food as before,'' Harry warned, waving a sausage around on a fork.
''Noted.''
The rest of the days after that were of a tense peacefulness that neither was willing to break on their end. Harry was so glad to spend time with his godfather and pretend to have a normal family life for once that he didn't wish to spoil it with uncomfortable topics that could turn Sirius against him. They thus spoke mostly of the past, of Hogwarts, the current Tournament, and lots about Harry's parents instead, mostly James. After the first incident of Sirius suddenly confusing him with his father however, Harry kept a close watch, changing topics whenever it happened again, his concern growing with each time, yet too curious about his parents to completely stop his questioning.
''I'm afraid that I gave his parents more than they bargained for,'' Sirius grinned during one of their talks. They'd cleared out a corner of the living room downstairs together to make it more comfortable. It reminded Harry much of Gryffindor tower, with plush seats and a fireplace that crackled away merrily. ''It helped that Dorea -your grandmother- was my great-aunt. They only got James when they were nearing their fifties so there was quite some age-disparity there. My own parents managed to get me and my brother both in their twenties, continuing the lines fast like good purebloods should,'' Sirius rolled his eyes. ''Bet they'd be rolling in their graves when knowing that I'm still a happy bachelor and likely to stay that way with my status as criminal now. Then again, they probably roll in their graves constantly already with everything I pulled off,'' he smirked.
''Does that mean that we are related somehow?'' Harry asked suddenly, eyes widening.
Sirius frowned. ''I suppose you could say that, yes, very distantly. Then again, which pureblood families aren't? Still quite a cool thought now that I think of it!'' he hurried to say as he noticed Harry's disappointment at the words.
''Please don't try to use teenage slang Sirius,'' Harry snorted, trying to cover up his own feelings. ''It sounds weird.''
Sirius merely wiggled his eyebrows. ''Teenage slang huh? I think you kids forget that you might not be the first to invent words. I'll have you know that 'cool' became popular among teenagers in the fifties already and then made its comeback in the seventies. Not so hard to stamp out a word now just because younger generations want to claim it as theirs.''
''The fifties?'' Harry asked, shocked. Then, he burst out in laughter. ''You know, Voldemort was in his early twenties in the fifties... do you think...''
''Merlin, wouldn't that be a sight,'' his godfather laughed, tears in his eyes. ''Next time I face him, I'll ask? No promise on my survival chances.''
Harry bit back a laugh, thinking that he might beat Sirius with asking that if he was feeling particularly petty. Both chuckling, they dug into the tray of biscuits that was standing on a footstool in between them, topped with different English types of cheese and salads. Harry didn't particularly like the dry biscuits, yet couldn't get enough of eating them anyways. There was something comfortable and homey about sharing a tray of biscuits and toppings, so he happily bit into one with pickles and red Leicester. One fact that he'd learnt about Sirius, was that the man was a surprisingly huge fan of savoury foods, cheese especially, and had enthusiastically introduced Harry to all sorts that he'd never heard of.
''So, how long did you stay at dad's place?''
''Only two summers, but they were the best months of my life. The Potters welcomed me with open arms,'' Sirius smiled nostalgically. ''I wish you could have known them. At least they didn't need to see their children die...''
Frowning, Harry lowered the food that he'd just wanted to stuff in his mouth. ''What happened to them? They weren't that old were they? Like what, seventy?''
''The war happened,'' the man replied, sombre. ''They got caught up in the crossfire between the army of the Dark Lord and the Ministry when going shopping in Diagon Alley. A building collapsed and, well, they hadn't seen it coming. That was the year that Lily was pregnant with you.'' Harry didn't know what to say, wrapping his arms around himself.
''Thanks. For not sugar-coating it,'' he whispered.
''I've never thought doing that would bring anything. Having gone through so much already, I can see that you're not your typical kid who needs protection. Besides, you're older than I was when I first got into major trouble with your dad.''
''Anything else you can tell me about my grandparents? How were they?''
''Hmm... welcoming, and a bit old-fashioned in the way most people of that generation were. They didn't really think much of Voldemort's radical ideas, but also thought that Dumbledore was a disruptive force that should be stopped rather than encouraged. They liked the world as it was and preferred peace at all costs. With that, I'm all the more grateful to my aunt, for she risked much by taking me in, a family outcast. I suppose that having already married a pureblood and getting an heir must have stabilised her standing enough, even if he was the 'wrong sort of Pureblood,'' Sirius sighed. Harry felt a familiar burning in his stomach at the words, his hands balling into fists as he was harshly reminded of that racism transcended any type of border, whether physical ones or even those between magicians and Muggles. He'd hoped to escape the snide comments of the Dursleys on his dirtiness; otherness; the constant complaints about his appearance; the instant depiction as a criminal in front of all the neighbours, who were happy to believe it without evidence...
''Be proud of who you are Harry,'' Sirius smiled, seeing his mood darken. ''And live up to your name to be a true Gryffindor. Hari means Lion, did you know that? It's why your dad absolutely insisted on the name.''
''I didn't,'' he said, feeling a small smile forming. ''Way to push a House on me though, thanks dad,'' he chuckled. ''Thank you. Sorry, I just... the Dursleys made sure to flaunt in my face how they thought of all the dirty foreigners 'invading' Britain. I didn't even know that I supposedly was one of those until Uncle Vernon made a few comments about how I must love working in the garden so much because you can't see the difference between me and the mud,'' he sulked. ''To be honest, I still never really felt foreign. I've grown up in a Muggle, suburban part of London and at Hogwarts it was also always a non-issue. It wasn't until I met the Patil twins that I actually found out that many Potters were from India. And even after that, I never really felt a connection with it. I know nothing about the country, the culture, the various languages, and it would somehow feel forced if I tried to learn all of that now.''
''Just because you're partially Indian doesn't mean you can't be English. It hardly ever bothered James either that he was mixed, mostly using it to brag about how tan he was to make all the girls flock towards him. And as the Potter family came to England a few generations ago already, I don't think any of them felt like they didn't belong here. None that I know of at least.''
''Right... can we switch topics?'' he asked, still not feeling very comfortable discussing his heritage. In Harry's own opinion, the fact that he was a wizard because of his family was much more interesting than wherever they came from. The Dursleys may have despised that part about him even more, at least he hadn't heard a word about it during his childhood since they'd tried to hide magic from him.
''Not sure if you'd like everything else I want to discuss with you,'' Sirius sighed, rubbing his neck. ''There's only three days of this week left and.. well...'' Harry's stomach twisted together. ''We've already talked about Dumbledore and about your opinion on Dark Magic... to me it still sounds as if someone has been telling you a rather radical, one-sided version of the story.'' The silences between them tensed up.
''Do we have to talk about this?'' he asked, hands balling into fists.
His godfather let out a long sigh and twisted a hand into his long hair, not looking much more comfortable than Harry was feeling. ''It's important,'' he decided. ''So much in our world is dependent on the views we have, both on magic and on politics. In a society as small as ours, we can't afford to avoid it. You especially, being the one to cause these times of peace for us, have to be aware of the image you put forwards even when you just want to hide away.''
''So you're about to tell me the other side of the story then?'' Harry asked, raising an eyebrow.
''Someone has to.''
''Fine. What merits did choosing Dumbledore's side in the war bring society?'' Harry asked, deciding he might as well be direct about it.
Sirius frowned in thought. ''Before I tell you why I chose to join the Order, I will need to make one thing clear. 'Dumbledore's side' never existed. There was the Ministry, running like usual, and then there was Voldemort, who wanted to overthrow that government with force. The Order of the Phoenix was only called to life when Dumbledore saw that Voldemort was winning and the Ministry had been infiltrated with spies in such a way that we weren't sure anymore whom to trust. We were, in its essence, a support group, consisting of people of which we were certain that they had no ties to Voldemort. A group where we could discuss our plans openly without fear of a traitor. Not that it worked, in the end, after Peter caved in to the Dark, but we didn't know that then. In my eyes, the war was about defending the current order from a radicalised terror group that wished to legalise all dark magic, slaughter Muggles and oppress Muggleborns and Half-bloods. I then joined the Order to ensure I could do so more effectively. It wasn't much of a choice for me to fight against hatred.''
''Then why did you say that my grandparents thought that Dumbledore should be stopped too, if he only tried to support the Ministry?''
''Many people still believed that the Ministry could win with its own forces. The Order of the Phoenix was created to help, but it wasn't recognised as such. The Minister of Magic back then thought it was demeaning and called for the headmaster to stop. Others were afraid that, should the Ministry only be able to win because it had the backup of an underground organisation, Dumbledore would in the end claim the victory and make other demands. Which was admittedly true, he did have some legislations that he wanted to push through to forbid certain other spells. I don't know much about the details there since in the end, it was you who ended the war.''
Harry nodded and thought on it, suppressing his own urge to instantly launch new questions. From Sirius' point of view, it made sense why the dark was seen as undesirable. Voldemort had thrown the country into chaos and spread ideas that Harry also would have stood against, which he had stood up against until he found out there were different motivations at play. From his interactions with the Dark Lord, Harry also knew that some of the basics of what Sirius had said were still true: dark magic was to be legalised, and the man didn't think much of Muggles. Even now Voldemort had realised that he couldn't just slaughter them all, he had still tried that the last time.
''If I'd already lived back then,'' Harry started. ''I'd probably have joined the Order too,'' he spoke, clearly startling Sirius.
''But then... why wouldn't you now? Are your personal grudges against Dumbledore that great?''
''No. The ideas the Dark is putting forward now are some that I can agree with more than the ones they did last time.'' He knew that he was putting a lot on the line here, and that he should with no breath mention the Dark Lord as being presently there. Thus, he struggled to formulate words. ''I cannot tell you whom I know this from, and I unfortunately do not have proof it.'' Great start, he mentally sighed as he saw Sirius' face take on a sceptical look. ''But these are the points that I know about: there will not be another war as long as neither the Ministry nor Dumbledore starts one. Muggles won't be slaughtered, they'll be excluded since our societies will be separated from each other completely, and the only reason Purebloods will hold more power is because they have more experience with our culture, laws and magic in general. The only point that didn't change at all is that dark magic will be made legal, yes. When I look at everything I found out about it though, I don't really see why that is such an awful thing. You said yourself, the magic itself isn't evil.''
''I said that not all dark magic is inherently evil. Much of it still is. There are spells that can drive you insane, rituals that need human sacrifices, this magic corrupts Harry. I agree that maybe we can ease up on the label and actually look at which dark spells can be used for good. Throwing all dark magic out there for every idiot to use on the other hand, is a different, insane extreme! I have seen how families work that embrace dark magic in its entirety. It's toxic. You cannot understand, and I don't blame you for that. I only beg of you to listen to me, for I do know how that can be.'' Sirius hands trembled as they gripped Harry's.
''My parents revered magic, so much that the worst sin anyone could commit was being a squib. Well, Squibs happened, and we, fortunate children blessed with magic, were tortured to the point that our accidental magic lashed out with such violence that we killed those squibs that had been locked up in a room with us.'' Harry tensed up and looked in the eyes of a haunted, broken man. ''Oh, we were told how amazing we were, how brave for ridding the world of filth, how it was so much more humane to let our magic erase their existence.'' Lips twisted and quivered as Sirius relived his past. ''We were taught to be aggressive, exclusive, hating, and then told to be proud of it,'' he whispered, finally releasing the teen, looking away. ''Dark magic isn't always evil... those who practise it are often a different story. And that is the world that Voldemort tried to enforce. Dumbledore may be wrong and like pulling strings. The Ministry might be corrupt and in need of change. But neither you nor anyone else on this earth will convince me that Voldemort was the better option. My parents idealised him, and my parents were monsters. Whoever else is now taking it upon themselves to gather the old followers of the Dark Lord is not going to be better, I can't believe it.''
Harry stayed silent at that, not knowing what he could say to make anything better. Defending Voldemort would instantly make him suspicious and he honestly wasn't sure if he could. He had no idea what the Dark Lord's opinions were on Squibs, knew very well how the man thought of Muggles, and the reasons why Harry thought that he was the better option in the first place were deeply rooted in selfishness. Then, a thought came to him. ''Does the treatment of Squibs really have anything to do with dark or light magic though? You saw how Squibs were treated by dark families yes, but were they accepted by other magicians?''
''Well... I never... I didn't think to ask.''
''I can tell you instantly that they're not,'' Harry spoke, feeling sad about having to face that truth. ''One of my classmates, Neville Longbottom, took a long time to show his powers. It wasn't until he was eight that he did his first piece of accidental magic... when his uncle held him upside down from a window by his ankles and accidentally let go. Had Neville really been a Squib, he would have been dead. As funny as he thought that story was back then, his uncle did pretty awful things, life-threatening things, to force him to show magic, for the alternative would have been so much worse in the eyes of Neville's family, a known light family. Even the Weasleys,'' he continued, suddenly recalling something else. ''I once asked Ron about if his entire family was magical. He told me that they were, apart from one of his mum's cousins. That was instantly, almost automatically, followed by the sentence 'but we don't talk about him'. Prejudice against Squibs, exclusion and expulsion of them, is a common thing for nearly all magicians, not just those of one particular side in politics. So while I of course can't defend your family for what they did, embracing dark magic is not the deciding factor here. It's an ingrained part of our system that has to be changed.'' Harry was rather surprised by himself, not having thought that he would have been able to come up with any good arguments to support his viewpoints. Hermione would be proud.
''That's a very disconcerting thought,'' the other replied, looking sombre. ''Not something easily fixable either then.''
''Seeing as I don't think either side is trying to fix it, no. So did you have any other reasons for fighting in the Order?''
His godfather nodded. ''A couple, some more personal than others. Even several decades after Grindelwald's reign, despite him never conquering Britain, we still felt the after-effects and I personally knew a few people who'd fought in that war on the mainland. Voldemort was... a painful reminder of that time for many adults, also influencing how we as kids thought. My parents had adored him of course, which automatically made me hate everything about it, and consequently about Voldemort. I saw the Dark lord as a bad copy-cat at first since he used similar tactics, then found out that in some points he was even worse. Both Dark Lords had made great offers that could have benefited us all, then quickly turned out to be only useful to a handful of rich, pureblood people who wanted to have a chance to hunt Muggles again. And even if Voldemort would have kept up the charade for longer, I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't have chosen the side where I knew most followers were people I despised and who despised me in return. So, if someone on the dark side is now putting forth ideas again that supposedly are for the good of the whole Wizarding World, I'm going to be very sceptical again, for we've had this twice already in the past century, and both times it turned out to be a massive lie.''
Harry bit his lip, feeling torn. ''Hey, at least all of this is hypothetical anyways, right?'' Sirius asked, trying to smile again. ''Hopefully we'll have a couple of peaceful years left before trouble starts brewing and we really need to worry about who to put our hopes in. I have no problem with you exploring your options and dabbling a bit in dark magic during that time. I certainly was no angel at Hogwarts either. Unless the next Dark Lord is waiting around the corner, there's no rush making any decisions that don't focus on your school life. The Death Eaters may be getting more active with their stunt at the World Cup, Voldemort is dead and only a couple of his followers remain. It will take a while before any could organise themselves, no matter what your contact told you.''
''Wait, what are you talking about?'' Harry asked, suddenly confused. Sure, it wasn't known that Voldemort had resurrected fully, but Dumbledore knew of the Dark Lord still being there. Not only had Harry been witness to the shadowy half-life the man had been subjected to and told Dumbledore about it, others had also seen it. The centaurs had known, and Dumbledore himself had even discussed it with Harry. ''Didn't you say that Dumbledore wanted to revive the Order of the Phoenix? Why do you think he does? To stop a potential new threat?''
Sirius merely stared at him, uncomprehending. ''He told me, just in case it is needed... this place will only house the Order once there is need for... Harry? What aren't you telling me?'' A hint of panic entered his voice.
Nervously twisting his fingers, Harry stared in the fire, wondering what to say. ''Voldemort never really died... Dumbledore knows this. He's been... prepping me for facing down the Dark Lord ever since I set foot in Hogwarts: with tasks, with talks, and more recently by showing me memories of Voldemort's past. I thought you knew that when moving into this place again. It probably won't be long before the Order is revived, Dumbledore set things into motion when Wormtail was found and inexplicably looks like he thinks it is a sign of Voldemort 't you the one who told us in the Shrieking Shack that's Voldemort's been hiding for years, rumoured to be half dead?''
Sirius jumped up from his chair now and started pacing, an edge to his strained voice that sounded as if he was fighting not to freak out completely. ''I wished to make Peter nervous! I'd only heard rumours in Azkaban, from people who desperately wished for Voldemort's return. I didn't actually believe... Wait, when you said that there will not be another war... that there are plans to separate our society from the Muggle one... you weren't talking about hypothetical ideas from a remnant of the Dark Lord's followers, were you? And your sudden fascination with the Dark Arts...'' Sirius whispered. ''Harry, what did you get into?''
Pressing his lips together, the teen shook his head, not willing to risk being locked up far from the sphere of influence of anyone but the Dark Lord himself. ''I can't say. What I said is true though, there have been many changes in ideas, in goals... I'd never do anything that will harm my friends or those I consider family.''
''Then...'' Sirius hesitated, giving him an uncertain look. ''Then I think it is time to speak about this in less theoretical terms. Should Voldemort return, what would you do?''
Frowning, Harry considered his options. He wished to be truthful to Sirius so badly that saying anything else than what he really thought was not something he even wished to consider. He halted, remembering Barty's warnings. How well did he really know Sirius? The man had barged into the Shrieking Shack, ready to commit the murder he'd been imprisoned for to avenge his dead friends, and not told Harry much else than the story of Peter's betrayal. They'd only very briefly touched the topic of Harry moving in with Sirius right before the incident with Lupin and then... The next time they'd really spoken had been at the Weasley's place where Harry had severely underestimated Sirius' feelings at being wrongfully imprisoned and his anger at Dumbledore. Of course, ever since Harry's godfather had snuck into Hogwarts again, they'd spoken a lot more, but could he really judge Sirius' reactions? He didn't think so. ''Don't take this the wrong way... I don't think that what I would do is anything you'd agree with, which is why I'd rather not go into detail.''
Sirius closed his eyes briefly, standing absolutely still. ''Give me a moment to get my thoughts in order and prepare tea. I need... a bit of time to sort whatever I want to say.'' Harry numbly nodded and sank deeper into his chair as the other stalked from the room. Was he making a grave mistake here? Could he really tell the best friend of his parents -his parents who had been murdered by Voldemort for fighting against him- that Harry wished for the dark side to prevail so much that he'd join Voldemort? Was he any better then, than Peter Pettigrew? Biting his knuckles, he tried to figure out what to do or say. His thoughts were a confusing mess as he struggled to walk a line in life where he could be free, and at the same time still able to keep his peace of mind.
He cringed when, a few moments after Sirius had disappeared from the room, a loud crash was to be heard, followed by curses and other loud sounds that made it clear that his words had not come across as well as Harry had hoped. Feeling empty, Harry waited in hope that Sirius' rage would pass. So the reason why the conversation had gone so smooth before was only because Sirius hadn't believed that anything would really change, then. Now, there was nothing he could do, nothing he could say to convince his godfather... for how could he, without revealing all that happened last summer? The main part that had changed his opinions had been his trips into Voldemort mind and the talks with and observations of the Dark Lord after that. He'd fully believed the man to be evil until actually speaking to him, listening to his words. -and feeling, the feel of that power that no other had- He drew a shuddering breath at the memory of the first time he'd felt the source magic. The Dark Lord believed him to be addicted... Harry himself didn't think so, as hard as it was to concentrate when being around the man whenever he flaunted his magic. He still had to reluctantly admit that it may have swayed his judgment a little bit.
If that had been everything to it however, he really would be fighting for the Order. Right now, he had a very different perspective on the situation. Voldemort cared what happened to his people, striving to create a world in which magicians would not be endangered, where they could live independently without being afraid of Muggles and practise all magic freely. Harry admitted that It was an idealised world that might not work completely in reality, and would need much work and cooperation, but he wished to believe that if anyone could do it, it would be Voldemort. The man had sacrificed his own nature just to be better at working for Magic. If that wasn't dedication, then Harry didn't know what was. Fighting against him would mean living like they had in the past centuries: divided, hidden, shunned by Muggles who did find out like the Dursleys had.
If only there weren't so many drawbacks on supporting Voldemort... Harry wasn't a complete fool: the last war truly had been horrible, and many who had other ideas would suffer under the Dark Lord's rule this time too. Purebloods would also never stand for equal treatment of Muggleborns after having been forced to give into their demands for so long, and who knew how creatures would be treated? Even the fact that Voldemort created each single law on his own was, while admirable, a worrisome sign of a rising dictatorship. The only positive point that he could find there, was that most laws were based on the legislations of France and Germany. From Hermione, who in her spare time liked to do much 'light reading' which involved anything from politics to economics, he'd heard many rants about different European countries, and if he remembered correctly, these were both socialistic, democratic states with a strong enforcement on separation of powers, something the current magical government didn't have at all. The Wizengamot was made up of Ministry workers who acted as politicians, jury and executives alike. Harry could only hope that the right parts had been taken by Voldemort that would improve this situation.
Those were all hopes and fears that he couldn't reveal to Sirius, not when he wished to keep his promise to Barty and Voldemort. It was no wonder that Sirius was so out of it without being able to see the full picture when there was no-one to tell him about it.
At long last, Sirius emerged again, a trembling tray in his hands with two cups of tea. He looked as dishevelled as Harry felt, sitting down and rubbing his arms. ''Sorry kiddo. I lost it a bit there,'' the man admitted, pouring them both a cup. ''I won't lie to you: it's hard to hear these words from you when I know everything that James and Lily did but...'' he halted, placed his palms together and held them against his lips, closing his eyes again. ''I don't want to make you feel guilty either. You're my godson. The godson that I was willing to smuggle in illegal books for just to give you an alibi. I... I am going to do my best not to judge you. I'm a bit late to take up a father-role, so I'll try to be there for you as a... a friend, I guess. It's not my job to tell you what to do or not, I'm here to cover your arse and make sure you have someone there who can maybe talk stupid ideas out of your head before you act on them... or perfect those ideas depending on the situation.'' Grey, unsure eyes met his and Harry had a hard time breathing. In a split second, he made a decision and launched himself into Sirius' arms, clinging to the other in a way that he'd never been able to do with anyone else. The only adult he'd hugged as tightly was Hagrid, and never when he'd been sad, for Hagrid was so sensitive that Harry had always feared the other would cry more than Harry himself.
''You'd make a really awesome dad, did you know that?'' Harry whispered, burying his face in Sirius' robes, fully meaning his words.
''That.. I...'' Sirius took a moment, arms tightening their grip. He then cleared his throat, still failing to produce any coherent sentences for a while. ''I was more going for carefree awesome uncle,'' he weakly chuckled. ''Too much responsibility involved in being a parent.''
''Right.'' Feeling a bit embarrassed, Harry wiped the corners of his eyes with the sleeve of his robes, trying to be sneaky about it, then withdrew and returned to his seat. Sirius' arms helplessly reached out for a lingering moment after, as if he hadn't wanted Harry to leave them. The teen covered his eyes with his hands and breathed in deeply to try and clear his thoughts, his heart thudding loud in his chest with nerves. Could he really... should he really reveal to Sirius what his real thoughts were?
When he finally started speaking, it was as if it wasn't really him, like Harry was watching from the side-lines, unable to halt the waterfall of words that came tumbling out of his own mouth. ''I'd stand with Voldemort, for a couple of different reasons. It's not a perfect option, I am well aware of that. In my eyes though, it's the only feasible one. First and foremost, I admit fully that it would benefit me: I wouldn't be forced into any life-or-death situations as Dumbledore would have me do, I wouldn't end up as a teenage soldier like you or my parents, I could protect those I cared for far more efficiently and I wouldn't suffer any negative consequences under Voldemort's reign. Half-bloods are not really an issue as far as I heard, only Muggleborns and Muggles. That being said, I still want to fight for those latter groups to protect those that I love, and I'd be out if I would have the idea that there will be senseless killing of Muggles like was the case in the last war. There won't be though, for apparently Voldemort has updated his policies a bit to fulfil his... his task. And that's where my second major point comes in. You've told me that your family was absolutely dark and traditional... if that was the case, they must have mentioned something about Lords of Magic.''
''Oh please, don't tell me that they made you swallow that crap about chosen Lords,'' Sirius groaned.
''I've seen Magic,'' Harry spoke quietly. Okay, so it had only been a memory of the Dark Lord but still.
''All of us see magic,'' the man said, confused.
''Magic. The entity that gives us our powers, I mean. I've seen it... her.. whatever. Our powers don't come from nothing, and it really did choose Voldemort as a representative. Nearly all magic currently practised in Europe is light magic. Light magicians only use light magic, and dark magicians are forced to use more light than dark now as well depending on the region. It is incredibly off-balanced. That is why people are trying to legalise dark magic again, and why it is important to highlight especially the non-violent parts about it. There's an important branch that.. damn, what's it called again... something to do with disturbance wards and dimensional warping.''
The other looked like he had a million questions, which Harry couldn't blame him for. He'd been exactly the same with Voldemort. ''Dimensional shifting?'' Sirius asked hesitantly at last, apparently deciding to save up his own questions in favour of Harry continuing.
''That. It's not dangerous as far as I'm aware of, and needs to be accepted to enable us to separate the societies... make wizards and witches independent from Muggles. Considering that it is dark magic and thus not legal makes it incredibly difficult to put into practice, especially on the desired scale.''
''Sounds utopian in theory. You're forgetting about that mages are dependent on Muggles. Where would our food come from, one of the only things that cannot be created with magic? How do we deal with witches or wizards born in Muggle society when its cut off from our own?''
''Nearly cut off,'' Harry corrected. ''There would still be a few entrances, and Muggleborns would be brought into our world.''
''Without their parents,'' the man flatly replied. ''That will bring a lot of backlash. And even if you could somehow justify taking away kids from their parents, Muggleborns join Hogwarts every year. You cannot buy into the suggestion that each one of those would find a fitting family who'd adopt them, certainly not with the prejudices against those of 'lesser blood'. This is exactly what would create situations like with your own family.''
Harry lowered his eyes and tugged at his hair. ''I know. I haven't found a different suggestion yet that I could put forward. Provided that I would even be listened to. It's still a better alternative than what is happening right now: people with magical parents grow up with it, all the while not being allowed to actually practise, and Muggleborns are thrown into a world they know nothing about. I love having magic, I really do. It still took me months to adapt to the thought of that I was a wizard and even now I discover new things about this society that are obvious to people who've grown up in it. That ignorance is, more than anything, what creates the illusion of superiority in Purebloods.''
Sirius shook his head. ''Squibs grow up in our society and are treated with equal hatred. And if you are really right in that an entity of magic exists -which I've never seen any proof of- then it's one evil being for allowing all of this injustice to happen.''
Harry couldn't really argue that. What were the requirements of receiving magic in the first place? Character appeared to have little to do with it, and once a family was magical, it was incredibly rare for their children to end up as squibs, suggesting that it became a genetic matter. ''It does exist,'' Harry stubbornly said. ''Can't say I know much about how it works though.'' He only received a disbelieving look.
''Harry, no matter what you thought you saw, you're only fourteen and still easily influenced. Like you yourself said, even now you don't know everything about our society, and the same goes for magic. There will be branches that you've never even imagined, and you have no way to defend against illusions, mind-magic or other complicated spells. In this world, proof is very relative.''
It was as if a brick hit him in the stomach. ''So you don't believe me.''
''I think that you are a little bit too willing to believe in these things. From my own experiences, I cannot say that a god-like being who dishes out or takes magic from people is any more believable than the tooth fairy. Even if, I wouldn't root for an entity that chose a ruthless murderer as her champion. Thank you though, for telling me of your motivations. I do wonder what the Ministry did to make you lose faith in the current way things are run.''
Harry pulled a face when thinking of Fudge. His own dislike for the man had only been fuelled by stories that Barty had told him. ''Want a list? Fine. I'll do it Percy Weasley-style with bullet points,'' Harry spoke, getting ready to tick off the points on his hands. ''The press is heavily influenced and censored by the Ministry of Magic; criminality is only prosecuted when it's about magical crimes; the Ministry changes their stance on important topics such as Hogwarts' safety every damn year; Fudge is a two-faced bastard who listens to the one with the most gold or fame; they care more about their image than their people; creatures are still discriminated against legally as we can see with Remus; the regular form of punishment is lifelong mental and physical torture at Azkaban if you're lucky, or condemning your soul for eternity if not; the Ministry had no qualms about trying to use a thirteen-year-old to boost their image; and my last two points: they changed the entire year calendar to fit Muggle religion, and magic itself has been forcefully categorised incorrectly in many cases or banned unnecessarily, creating this whole situation with dark magicians rebelling in the first place. Should I continue or are these ten points enough for now?''
Sirius smiled wryly. ''You really did think on this a lot more than I gave you credit for. As much as you might look like your dad, that stubborn expression is all Lily. I'm not even sure if I dare ask about your reasons why not to choose Dumbledore, with everything that I've already picked up there.'' He rubbed his forehead, which wrinkled up a bit. ''This is a lot to handle Harry. I've got... so many things I want to ask.''
''Then do. We have time right?''
''Time... yeah, I suppose that's something I have plenty of at the moment. Merlin, where to even start...''
Harry suddenly remembered something important, cursing himself. He himself may have protection against mind tricks, Sirius didn't have any fancy amulets as far as Harry knew. ''Before that, do you have any measures against Legilimency and such?'' he nervously asked. ''I've heard that Dumbledore is prone to poke around in the minds of those around him.''
''Don't worry, your secrets are safe with me, I've had plenty of training in Occlumency due to having been an Auror.'' He didn't comment on Harry's accusation of Dumbledore, either because he already knew or because he didn't want to start another argument over the Headmaster.
''Good,'' Harry sighed in relief, almost slapping himself for not thinking of it before. ''Then ask away, though I might not answer everything.''
Sirius did not start instantly, instead waving his wand over to the fire, stoking it higher, the flames casting shadows on his weary face. ''First of all, I feel that I don't know enough about you. I found it no more than normal to be highly involved myself in the whole politics when I was at Hogwarts: it was war, and I was stuck between a dark family I despised and friends on the other side. Now though? In times of peace, no fourteen-year-old should have to consider their options in what side to support, instead enjoying your time exploring the castle, annoying teachers, playing Quidditch.''
''I also do all of those things,'' Harry protested. ''And I don't think it's wrong to try and keep up with politics, especially since people won't seem to leave me alone about it and I always find myself to be in the middle of something. Only last year, you dragged me into opposing the Ministry and facing the wrongs of the justice system we have, it's not fair to complain about me being aware of it now.''
''And you think that Voldemort will improve that system? The same man who tortured his prisoners to insanity?'' Sirius said with a hard tone. ''The one who had no qualms about killing left and right?''
''I wouldn't say 'no qualms,'' he whispered, looking into the fire and recalling the memory he'd seen, the pain the Dark Lord had felt each time he slaughtered a magician, even if they were on 'the wrong side'. And hadn't the man said something about not torturing anymore only for the pleasure of it? ''To answer your question in more detail: I feel like I have to get involved. If I don't, others will force a path on me, one that I maybe agree with even less. As much as I hate it, politics in the Wizarding world aren't exactly easy. Do I want to support a known murderer who started a gruesome war? No, not if I'd have any other good option. But our Ministry doesn't work like that. We don't have parties, do not have a system like Muggles do where civilians can normally influence who holds the seat of power. Sure, it's democratic most of the time, but the new Minister of Magic will only be chosen if Fudge fucks up too much or if he resigns, and then it's the Wizengamot that elects a new Minister. So it's what we have now or what Voldemort could offer us.''
''A blood status fanatic and possibly a psychopath,'' Sirius said, raising a challenging eyebrow. ''I see it like this: whoever puts a bad person into power cannot claim to be much better.''
''That would work if we actually could choose generally. As stated before, I can't. Yeah, supporting a pureblood ideologist would normally make me a one too, just like electing a racist shows that one apparently doesn't think racism is a problem big enough to vote against. But what do you suggest I do when both options are problematic? We have Voldemort as opposed to the Ministry yes? One supports supremacy of magic, placing magicians above Muggles. The other pushes for supremacy of humans over creatures, rich over poor and light over dark. Before you say anything, it's not as if Voldemort is trying to ban light magic, he's only trying to also make dark magic legal again. So, looking at those ideals, I prefer the guy who is trying to subdue one group instead of three, possibly overlapping ones. Especially since, after talking to... a few people, I have still hope that the entire superiority of magical blood will fall in the background when he concentrates on more important matters such as making sure Muggles don't find us anymore and bringing back balance in magic.''
''You have an interesting line of reasoning that I didn't really think of before,'' Sirius admitted. ''Which brings me to my next point. You keep speaking of what Voldemort would do and said that he isn't dead... How undead exactly? I mean, he's not exactly running around and cursing people like he used to. He can't have survived the Killing curse intact, else he wouldn't have disappeared in the first place.''
Harry considered for a moment how he could explain without outright lying to Sirius and still keeping his promises. ''When the Killing curse backfired, it destroyed only his body. His... spirit, I suppose, lived on and hid far away in a forest. He lived on by possessing animals, and later a human. That was professor Quirrel, my first Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Yes, I know, the irony right?'' he laughed at Sirius' expression. ''Quirrel hid Voldemort on the back of his head under a turban, probably not Voldemort's proudest moment, but he survived, and right under Dumbledore's nose at that. That was the year the headmaster hid the Philosopher stone at Hogwarts. I'm honestly still not entirely sure why he did so that year specifically if he suspected all those years that the Dark Lord hadn't died. Only Snape really suspected anything and tried to keep an eye on Quirrel. Me and my friends, already having an intense hatred for Snape, thought that it was him trying to steal the stone and went after him at the end of the year. Was quite a surprise when I found Voldemort instead.''
''You spoke to him?''
''Sort of. I mean, I kind of ensured that he didn't get the Philosopher Stone since he murdered my parents and I'd only heard how evil he was. I then rejected his offer to join him, and since I thwarted his plans despite him not doing anything deliberately harmful to me the entire year, he was pretty pissed. Voldemort tried to kill me then and I erhm...'' Harry stilled, trying to force the next words out of his mouth. ''I killed Quirrel while trying to protect myself, leaving Voldemort in his spirit form once more, without the Philosopher stone that would return him to full life. Ever since, I guess he's been trying to find a way to get his body back. It's definitely certain that he can still possess people and even talk to them in that other form, so... he's not completely without influence.''
''Harry,'' Sirius whispered, and he looked up to find his godfather's face full of concern. ''I didn't know that you... that you had to take a life. That somehow explains... so much.''
Harry only grunted. ''How so?'' he asked, a bit more aggressive than he'd meant to. He still wasn't entirely over the revelation himself that it had been him who'd caused Quirrel's demise, never having stopped to think about it before... before what actually? Who had told him about Quirrel? Voldemort? Perhaps in one of their dreams? He utterly hated how little he could always recall after he woke up...
''In the way that you consider options,'' Sirius spoke. ''Because you know that your choices can have large impacts on the lives of people, and you know how quickly something can end permanently.''
''I didn't need to kill anyone to figure that out,'' Harry said. For it wasn't the death of professor Quirrel that had changed his attitude so much. After the incident with the stone, he'd been too distracted with a load of other things to even consider that the fate of his first Defence professor had been by his hand instead of Voldemort's. ''It was the Dementors,'' he admitted, trying to keep his breathing even when thinking of the foul creatures. ''Whenever they come close to me and all the happiness is sucked away... I can hear them. Pleading, screaming.''
''Who?''
''My parents. I don't know why or how, I should have been far too young to remember that night.'' he curled up into himself, only looking up when Sirius came over and kneeled down in front of him. It was hard to read the other's expression, especially since Harry was doing his best to avoid any eye-contact. ''I wish I knew what the best path really is,'' Harry whispered, clinging to Sirius' hands. ''They sacrificed themselves for me, so that I could have a chance to live. I don't want to disappoint them, but I cannot follow the path that they did. Does that make me a bad person?'' He'd pushed thoughts of his parents in a strange corner of his mind these past months. Talking about them was great, listening to stories of them like Sirius told even better. Thinking of them in any connection to his own decisions however, he'd avoided like the plague. ''Would they hate me for forgiving Voldemort?''
''We don't know what the dead would want,'' Sirius spoke after a while. ''I can only tell you that I am a hundred percent certain of that you are not bad. You wish to believe in the ideals of a man because you think he's standing for something better than what we have now. Those are not the motives of an evil person. Lily and James both fervently fought against Voldemort yes, and I will keep doing so too, in the hopes of that one day I can exact vengeance for them to alleviate my own guilt over their deaths and correct my mistakes. You? You are their son, and as long as you stay the same, wonderfully caring, brave person that you have been until now, your parents as I knew them would be incredibly proud. No matter whom you choose to support in the end.'' A traitorous stinging feeling itched Harry's eyes again. He pressed his lips together and willed himself to hold it in. Crying on Sirius once was really enough for one day.
''Thank you.''
''No need,'' the man grunted, standing up again and stretching. ''That does put me in a dilemma. If you're right and the Order of the Phoenix will be revived right here very soon, I can't in good consciousness have you in the same house if you're so convinced in that Voldemort is right, for both parties involved... Had I known before, I'd have told Dumbledore no but I... kind of already agreed with a magical oath in exchange for his help with the wards here.''
The teen cocked his head, confused. He'd somehow expected Sirius to be more adamant about his own points of view, to try and convince Harry more that Voldemort was the Ultimate Evil or something like that. Yet his godfather's main concern was having Harry in the same house as members of the Order? ''You're not going to stop me?'' he asked.
''I've just explained multiple times that I'll let you make your own choices regarding what you do with your magic and who you'll follow. I've told you my opinion and I now know yours. It's also hard for me to argue against points that I know too little about. Harry, I care for you. My main concern is your safety and your mental wellbeing. From your words, it sounds as if you choose Voldemort especially to protect those you love, not to betray them, leaving me with no doubts as to your morality. Which will be incredibly difficult, I have to warn you. With how close you are to a family of blood-traitors and a Muggleborn, you'll face much opposition and struggle there. Somehow, though, I think you just might pull it off. Being the one to kill Voldemort in the first place is sure to make him wary of you, maybe wary enough that he won't instantly try to off you again. Your hidden abilities could be the leeway necessary to get in some privileges if that's the road you really want to take... though be careful not to become as corrupt as the politicians you just described as despicable.''
''I'll watch out for that. And also for accidentally supporting other points on that list. Somehow I can't imagine Voldemort being a fan of free press either,'' he grimaced.
''Or of more lenient punishment for those he considers criminals,'' Sirius reminded him, biting his lips a few times as he considered what to say next. ''Just like I don't hate all dark magic, I can also see why Voldemort's points are tempting. You're right in that the current situation isn't ideal, and he would certainly bring change, for better or for worse. Thing is, I've seen it go downhill the first time around and don't plan on waiting for that to happen a second time. He's promised golden mountains before that sounded very appealing to large groups of people, then didn't act on it at all. As such, I want you to promise me that you won't do anything so rash as to instantly getting a tattoo, or else I will have to give you an earful. Don't end up like my little brother, who was blinded by an ideal and then got so far in that he couldn't run away from it anymore. Until the moment that you become a Death Eater, there is always a way back. After that, I can't guarantee anything.''
Harry very much doubted that there ever would be a 'way back' for him, not when being so deeply tied to Voldemort that the man could slip into his head any night. Sirius words were still an immense comfort and he was sure to go rub it in Barty's face that the Death Eater had been wrong about his godfathers' reaction. ''Now that that's out of the way,'' Harry said, fidgeting a bit. ''Could we maybe explore the house a bit? You've told me about it being full of cool dark artefacts, maybe you can show me what they do so I can protect myself against them?''
''Your name might be the only thing Gryffindor about you,'' Sirius sighed, resigned. ''I'll cave, if only to have you help me in making a few more rooms inhabitable. Hey kiddo, good talk. Should do that more often, I've noticed that it works wonders to get things off your chest like this.''
Sooo Sirius is also a bit more up to date now. Whether it's good that Harry is telling so much is a different story..
Please Read and Review! Next up will be something that a few of you asked me for: a POV from Voldemort ;)
xx GeMerope