Paint and Powder
A Star Trek anthology by Andrew Joshua Talon
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fan based work of prose. Star Trek: The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager et al are the property of CBS Television, and creation of Gene Roddenberry. Please support the official release.
Shipgirl Speed Dating
Enterprise sat at a table at Quark's, already plotting her terrible revenge on her sisters for putting her up to this.
"All right. Each couple gets five minutes or until someone rings the bell! And... Go!"
A man in what appeared to be bad Star Wars cosplay sat down with a roguish grin. Or at least an attempt at such a grin.
"I, the Great Okona, will help you explore your humanity like never before-!"
DING!
"NEXT!"
A Ferengi with a slimy smile sat down across from her.
"Enterprise, how enchanted I am to make your acquaintance!"
"Brunt, agent of the Ferengi Commerce Authority?" Enteprise asked, "what are you doing here?"
"Well, no reason I can't mix business and pleasure. You are aware of all the unauthorized erotic holosims made about you?"
Enterprise sighed.
"Very."
"How would you like to make some... Authorized ones?"
"Next."
DING!
A somewhat familiar looking android sat down across from her.
"Hey sweetie! Miss me?"
"Lore?!" Enterprise gasped, "who put you back together?! Who would be stupid enough to-"
"Section 31."
Enterprise rolled her eyes.
"Of course."
"They put a V-Chip in me to control me. Shocks me when I have violent thoughts-" ZAP "YEOW! Like that! But you know, you could help me with that-" ZAP "OW! What do you say baby, wanna kill all humans?" ZAP "OW!"
Enterprise stared at him for a moment.
"... Imagine a meadow."
"Uh huh?'
"There's a horde of cute baby humanoids. What is your first thought about them?" Enterprise asked.
There was a pause, and then...
ZAP ZAP ZAP ZAP ZAP
"OWWWW! YOU BITCH!" Lore cried, as he fell out of his chair and writhed around on the deck.
Enterprise smiles, and hits the bell.
Enterprise: "Next!"
DING!
A statuesque Romulan woman sits down. She coolly observes Enterprise.
"Enterprise."
"Terix," Enterprise replied coolly, "something I can do for you?"
The Warbird AI smirks.
"Well, it would be nice to claim I'd topped the great Enterprise-"
"NEXT!"
DING!
A tall dark skinned human, muscular and strong with short cropped hair and an intimidating expression sat down. He wore a Starfleet uniform. Enterprise smiled.
"Hello Wrath of Achilles!"
"Please, just Achilles. We are friends."
"I've heard you're the lead of your own class! Very impressive."
"Thank you. It is nice to be in a starship and not a test subject at Memory Alpha."
"Ugh, tell me about it! I had to sit there for twenty years before they got my Delta body ready! So, why are you speed dating?"
Achilles looks uncomfortably at the hungry looking shipgirls outside the bar.
"If I were to find a girlfriend, perhaps they would leave me alone."
"Ahhh." Enterprise nods. "You'd have to deal with my crazy fans. Sorry. But, tell you what: Yorktown, Hiryu and Soryu are in this too, and any of them would be good dates. Very... Not crazy."
Achilles raised an eyebrow.
"Indeed?"
Enterprise returned the expression.
"Indeed."
DING!
Enterprise sat at her table, head in her hands during a brief break of the speed dating party.
"Ughhhh... I don't even know why I'm still doing this..."
Yorktown beamed nearby from her adjacent table.
"Because you're jealous of other shipgirls finding happiness?"
"NO!" Enterprise growled. More quietly, she admitted, "I mean... Maybe just a bit? Andromeda and Judgement are getting married for crying out loud!"
"Is that even legal?"
Enterprise shrugged.
"My captain's making sure it is..."
Quark naturally is ecstatic. Probably not over the prospect of finding love but more the pile of latinum he has in front of him.
"Isn't love grand? And... BEGIN!"
DING!
A Romulan admiral sat down in front of her, grinning widely.
"Hello Enterprise!"
Enterprise sighed.
"Admiral Tomalak, aren't you married?"
"We have an understanding."
"So do we. NEXT!"
DING!
And the biggest shock of the night so far arrived.
"ENTERPRISE!"
"Chancellor Gowron?! Why are you here?!"
"I'm going through a nasty, but honorable divorce with my former wife."
"Uh, what happened? If you don't mind me asking?"
"SHE HAD NO HONOR...!" Gowron bellowed. His next sentences were awkward and more restrained. "Also she claimed I was doing honorable combat with some spunky young war maiden. I WASN'T! We were just friendly war friends! She was always so jealous! It was ridiculous! She overreacted, I overreacted, it's all over. Anyway, I decided to get out again! Put the Gowron back on the market!"
"Er, among many problems with this, I'm not a Klingon woman of high birth."
Gowron laughed.
"Are you kidding?! You're the Enterprise, the Lady of War! The Lucky E! The Gray Ghost! Half the single heads of Klingon Houses will be fighting over you now that they know you're trying to find a mate! Fortunately, I got here first!"
Enterprise blinked.
"Ummm..."
"So! Shall we begin with the love poetry, and you throwing heavy objects at me?"
"Doesn't that only happen in Klingon romance novels?"
Gowron look indignant.
"It worked with my last wife!"
"The one you're divorced from?"
Gowron paused.
"... Yes!"
"Next."
DING!
"Ah, playing hard to get are we?"
"No."
DING!
Then a strange, nondescript but handsome man in a dark gray suit with yellow and orange eyes sat down. He gave her a confident, almost predatory smile, and Enterprise couldn't help liking it. Just a little.
"It's been a while, Enterprise. It's good to see you again."
Enterprise blinked.
"Have we met before?"
"Oh, quite some time ago," the man said, his smile now almost sinister, "I met your sister first. She was very spirited."
"Uh... Not narrowing it down, I'm afraid."
The man looked her up and down.
"Mmm... You always did look good enough to eat."
Enterprise frowned in confusion.
"I'm... Sorry?'
"Ah, forgive me. My creators designated me as Automated Planetary Annihilation Vessel 1968. But you and Constellation gave me my favorite name." He smirked "The Doomsday Machine."
Enterprise proceeded to pick up the table and beat the avatar of the Doomsday Machine with it.
DING! DING! DING! DING!
"NEXXXXXT!"
Ah, the wonders of romance.