This is a little different… it just popped into my head and wrote itself, and it's a little darker maybe? Not so much sunshine and cuteness in this one. I might add to it. I might not. Can't decide.

This day always brought a confusing mix of emotions for Elliot. Memories, the good and the bad, assault him as he steered his car in the direction of that grassy knoll.

He caught the guilt. He didn't come as often as he should have. After all, she was the mother of his children, and they spent most of their lives together. They grew up together. From teen parents to the unexpected birth of their youngest they grew together. But they also grew apart. Like so many people in his life, she deserved better than what he had provided for her. And now? Now, there was no redemption for the years where she kept their family together. Alone.

He let the tears fall. He grieved the loss of her life, but also the lost opportunity to do better, be better. His mind drifted to each of the beautiful children they shared. None were perfect, but all were amazing. He thought of the lives they were currently living, and all the milestones they were hitting… without their mother.

He thought of the years after Eli was born. For the first time in a long time they were okay. Almost happy, but an explosion and its aftermath stole any chance of happiness they might have had.

The cemetery loomed in the distance. The day was sunny and bright which felt like a blessing and a curse. It felt like the sun was shining to celebrate her, but he didn't feel like celebrating. All he felt was grief. And guilt,

The guilt. As her birthday approached he felt himself withdrawing from Liv, and he couldn't stop himself. Everytime he held her hand, everytime she slept in his bed, he felt overwhelming guilt.

Guilt for moving on. Guilt for loving Olivia the way he should have loved his wife. Guilt for loving her far more than he should, and far longer than he was allowed. Over the past few weeks the guilt escalated, and he felt like he was at the breaking point.

So today he was going to visit. He was going to apologize for everything he wasn't and everything he should have been. And maybe, just maybe, he could let her rest.

The gravel crunched beneath his tires as he found a place to park. He parked a ways away so he could think about what he wanted to say.

He kicked a loose rock down the winding path to where they laid Kathy to rest. More guilt accosted him when thoughts of Olivia crowded out his reasons for being here. Olivia. She had unintentionally created a rift in his marriage that they never really recovered from. He loved her then and he loved her now. Kathy knew. She always knew, and he knew it had hurt her. The problem was he couldn't stop. Even when it damaged the most important relationship in his life, he couldn't stop loving her. And now? He had everything he wanted, but it came at a terrible cost. He had Olivia, but that was only possible because his wife laid six feet under in this beautiful cemetery. It hardly seemed fair.

As he came around a corner his eyes drifted to Kathy's headstone sitting peacefully on the hill. To his surprise a figure was crouching in front of her headstone, fingers lightly resting on the engraved name. At first he thought it was one of the girls. They had agreed to visit together today and get lunch after, but he wanted to come alone first. The kids didn't need to hear all his confessions.

He drew closer, but stopped abruptly when he recognized that lightly curled brown hair. Olivia. He approached quietly, not wanting to disturb her, but she heard him. "I didn't think you were coming until later…. With the kids."

She kept her face towards the headstone, but he knew she had been crying. He recognized the thick raspy sound of her voice when it filled with emotion.

He continued his slow approach before standing behind her. It felt strange seeing her here. Until now, he has kept her away from this. His private grief.

She finally lifted her face and his heart broke at the sight of her red puffy eyes. He held out his hand for her and she held it as he pulled her up, instantly pulling her into him. He kept his arms around her for a minute before pulling back to see her face. "What are you doing here?" He asked the question gently and lifted his hand to brush away her tears.

She seemed hesitant, but he waited. He watched her swallow nervously before answering, "Um, I felt like there were some things she needed to hear from me."

Elliot felt confused. To him, Olivia had always been an innocent bystander, an unintentional complication to his marriage. He was the one who screwed everything up. Not her.

Her hands dropped and she took a step back. She wrapped her arms around herself before facing the headstone. "I wanted to thank her. You know," she shifted uncomfortably, and he knew it was hard for her to talk about this. "For raising such beautiful kids, and uh," she got emotional. "Uh, helping you become who you are." She refused to make eye contact. "I also wanted to apologize for everything."

He lifted his hands to her upper arms and rubbed them while standing behind her. "You have nothing to apologize for Liv."

She laughed ironically, "Sure. I'm just the reason you worked insane hours. You and I both know there were times you stayed with me when you should have been with them."

"That was the job, Liv. Not you."

She gave him a side eye and he knew she didn't believe him. "It wasn't just the job and you know it." She shook her head. "We were too close. I knew it, but I selfishly needed you. It didn't matter that we didn't cheat, I kept you from her because I needed you. That was wrong, and I can't change the past, but I can apologize. I can do better." He tried to tell her than none of it was on her but she didn't let him. "I promised her I would take care of you and the kids," she whispered. "I owe her that." Tears found their way down her cheeks. "For the life I have now, with you, with the kids, I owe her everything."

Now he was crying. She nailed so many of the things he himself had been struggling with. Always so in sync. Kathy's words rang with an obvious truth. A painful truth.

Olivia turned and kissed his cheek. "I'll leave." She pulled back, her brown eyes laced with the same grief and guilt he felt deep in his soul. "Noah and I will stay at my place tonight." She lifted her hand to stop his protests. "You need to be with your kids today. They need their dad today, and I," she swallowed, "I think my presence would be painful for everyone."

"Liv," he tried, but she just squeezed his hand and started back down the hill, leaving him wondering how a man like him deserved a woman like her.

How we feeling? I know Kathy wasn't a saint, but I thought it might be interesting to visit the idea of guilt.