Elliot stood next to Kathy's grave, hands buried deep in his pockets. His mind still reeled from his interaction with Olivia. His thoughts tumbled around in his brain, and the words he intended to say evaded him. For a long moment he stared at the headstone. Maybe if he started talking he would find the right words to say.
"Hey Kath." He crouched down, talking to a stone always felt strange and foreign. "I know it's been a while. Work has been busy. Well, life has been busy. I'm sure you're tired of hearing that from me. I know work was one of the many things that got in our way, and now I'm using it as an excuse… again."
"The kids are doing great…but I'm sure you know that. I know Maureen comes a lot." Damn. This was hard. He felt like he was having a conversation with himself. "She's been struggling. I worry. This pregnancy is going to be a lot for her, and I know she wishes you were here for it."
"Um… I'm surprised Olivia came today, but I guess I really shouldn't be. She always tried, you know. She tried to keep us together, and make me a better husband." He stuffed his hands in his pockets. "I know you had a hard time with her sometimes, but I hope you know our problems were more about me than her. I think she was the easy scapegoat, ya know." He sighed. "I didn't really come here to talk about her though. Not really."
He crouched down and let his fingers trace her name on the face of the headstone. "We kinda got in each other's way didn't we." He chuckled darkly. "I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry your life couldn't be exactly what you wanted it to be. I should have done better, been what you wanted me to be, but if I'm honest… if I'm honest, I could say I did the best I could do at the time. I guess I just did what I thought I was supposed to do. Ya know. Problem was, what we were supposed to do only made both of us miserable." He blew out a long slow breath. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't be what you wanted, or what you needed."
He rubbed his palm over his forehead. "I'm trying to do better now. It might not be a comfort to you, but I'm trying to be there for the kids, more than I was for them growing up. They uh," he swallowed the lump of emotion gathering in his throat. "They miss their mom. You were always so much better at this than I was. I think that because of the job they thought they'd lose me first. None of us were prepared to lose you." He sighed. "And maybe that's why all of this is so hard. Maybe it's why I can't seem to let you rest. I was supposed to go first. I'm stupid and reckless. If life were fair, I would be gone and you'd be here for the kids in the way they needed."
His knees began to tire so he dropped to a sitting position with one leg bent up, resting his arm on his knee. "I'm trying to move forward, you know. But I feel so guilty, not so much for moving on, but moving on with Olivia. And I can't really decide if you'd want that or not. I can't decide if you would want it to be her if it couldn't be you, or if you'd rather it be anyone else but her. Or maybe you preferred I stay alone. I don't know. Maybe it shouldn't matter. Maybe you wouldn't care because you would want me to be happy. Maybe. But you're not here to tell me so I'm left trying to figure it all out on my own."
He shook his head in self-deprecation. "I gotta move on Kathy. You're gone, and as much as I wish it wasn't true, it is what it is. I can't live my life dragging your ghost behind me anymore."
He stood, and laid his hand on top of the headstone. "I hope you're at peace. I think I'll get there. I love you, but I think…" he felt tears pressing at the corners of his eyes. He wiped them away, and returned his hand to the cool granite headstone. "I think it's time to let go…Let you go. I'll always love you, and I'll treasure our children in your absence, and I hope it's okay, but Olivia will treasure them too. She never wanted to replace you. Not then. Not now. But she's here, and she wants to be here for them. They need you, but in a different way, I think they need her too. You will always be their mother, but she will always be their Olivia. And I'm starting to believe that it's okay. Different roles. Different love."
He took a step back. "This might be the last time I come here alone. I'll come with the kids when they ask, if they need me, but I'm going to live my life. Just know that I respect and love everything you did for me and our family, and I'm sorry I didn't do better."
He took another few steps backward. "Bye Kathy."