Plastered Paradox

Chapter 3

True to Jaune's word, he had indeed gone straight from Tai and Summer's house to the nearest bar on Patch, then gotten absolutely shitfaced. Cinder and Raven had followed too, of course – Cinder because she had nowhere else to go and apparently because she really wanted to see him do something incredibly stupid and hurt himself, and Raven because Jaune had felt bad for her after what had happened and had offered to buy her a round of drinks. Naturally, Raven's one round was gone in about the same time it took for him to finish five rounds, and so by the end of it, he was thoroughly drunk.

Which probably did a lot to explain his current situation. Namely, that they were all gathered out in the forest once again, with him standing there nonchalantly and Cinder standing across from him with her weapon drawn.

"Are you sure about this?" Cinder asked, clutching her sword with uncertainty.

"Of course I'm sure," Jaune said. "I said it, didn't I? Do you really think I would have said it if I wasn't sure? Come on, I know what I'm doing. Now, hurry up and try to kill me."

"Do you have to phrase it like-"

"Train how you fight, Cinder. If aren't practicing to kill me, then how can you expect to actually kill me?"

"Why would she need to actually kill you?" Raven questioned. "I mean, not that it would be that big of a loss or anything, but still."

"Because she has to try to kill someone to practice, and it's not gonna be you," Jaune stated. "And it's not gonna be you because you'll just encourage her to try and kill people better."

Raven cocked an eyebrow. "Isn't that what you're doing now?"

Cinder let out a sudden yell, then charged at Jaune. Even in his drunken state, Jaune wasn't concerned. As Cinder closed in, he calmly sidestepped her wild swing, and in the same motion, pulled her sword from her hands and then kicked her legs out from under her. Cinder came crashing to the ground, and Jaune drove the point of her sword into the dirt next to her.

"Boom," he said. "You've just died. Congrats, dead girl."

Cinder glared at him. "You didn't tell me you were going to fight back!"

"That ought to be implicit when you try to kill someone."

"You just told me to try and kill you, and nothing else!"

"Exactly – I said try to kill me," Jaune pointed out. "That implies you could fail. Which you did. And now you've just died. So, I say again – congrats, dead girl."

Cinder gave him an angry pout, then picked herself up off the ground and retrieved her sword from the dirt.

"What was that supposed to teach me, anyway?" she asked.

Jaune shrugged. "You've been carrying that sword ever since we left the hotel. I just wanted to see if you actually know how to use it."

"I'm still learning!" Cinder protested. "I had a Huntsman mentoring me and everything!"

"Is this the same idiot who left you there to fend for yourself when it was well within his power to free you, and he just chose not to for reasons that only make sense to him?"

"Rhodes isn't an idiot! There was nothing he could do without breaking Atlas' laws!"

"So?" Jaune asked. "I broke that shit without a second thought, because Atlas' laws are stupid. I'd piss on Atlas' laws if I could. Fuck 'em. If he was anywhere near as good a man as you seem to think he is, he would've done the same thing. But he didn't."

"What are you getting at?" Cinder demanded. "Are you just trying to rile me up by insulting my mentor? Because if so, it's working. Shall I try and kill you again? Maybe this time I'll actually succeed."

Jaune rolled his eyes. "Not with that technique, you won't. Here, stand still."

Cinder blinked, surprised, as Jaune drew closer. He reached and took hold of her arms, then began to correct her stance.

"You're focused too much on getting your stance right," he instructed. "I can tell you're doing it without even thinking about it. Can't say I blame you – you probably didn't get much chance to actually practice with real steel, so the only thing you could do was run through your stances over and over again until they were second-nature. That's good dedication, but it'll get you killed in a fight."

"It will?" Cinder asked.

Jaune nodded. "From the sounds of things, this Rhodes guy had you sparring with him, which is good. But a real fight isn't like a spar. An opponent who's trying to kill you won't sit back and let you get into the correct stance. They won't wait for you to make sure everything is in the right place; they'll just shoot you or rush you down. The Grimm definitely won't wait – they'll just charge at you."

"Are you speaking from experience?" Cinder asked.

"Kinda. A friend of mine had the same problem, a long time ago. She still does, to an extent – she's a professionally-trained fencer, so a lot of her swordsmanship skills are pretty predictable on their own compared to someone who learned by fighting in tournaments against real people or something. She makes up for it with a semblance that's absolutely crazy – damn thing's as powerful as it is unpredictable. Pisses me off every time we spar."

"You're rambling," Cinder pointed out.

Jaune let out a grunt. "Sorry. Anyway, if you want to practice in a way that'll actually benefit you, you need to start getting into real fights."

"How am I supposed to do that?" Cinder asked.

"It's simple: try to kill me again. It'll end up with you on your ass again, but through getting knocked on your ass, you will learn. Eventually you'll be good enough to actually start taking chunks out of my Aura, and then I'll know you can be trusted to carry that sword around on your hip all the time."

"What was that last part?" she asked, confused.

"Don't worry about it," Jaune assured her. "Just try to kill me again."

Cinder blinked, uncertain, but did as she was told, charging at him again. Predictably, it ended with her flat on her ass, again. Jaune took her sword and drove it point-first into the ground next to her head, again.

"You are dead, again," he stated. "Not big surprise. Would you like to go for round three?"

Cinder didn't say anything, instead rising to her feet with a growl and retrieving her sword. Jaune raised an eyebrow at the display.

"Wow, she's actually dedicated to making this work," he commented. "Take note of that, Raven."

"Fuck you, asshole," Raven said dismissively.

"If I remember right, you actually tried that and it didn't work. Still horny, by the way?"

"You're begging for me to try and kill you," Raven growled.

Cinder charged at him again, and Jaune didn't even have to look at her to pull the same trick as last time. He disarmed her, kicked her legs out from under her, and then embedded her sword into the ground again.

"Hell, you ought to try it," he said to Raven. "Maybe seeing someone who actually knows what they're doing will help Cinder suck less."

"This is pointless!" Cinder snapped. "I'm complete garbage! You didn't even have to look at me last time!" She crossed her arms with an angry huff. "Seriously, why do I even fucking bother? What was I thinking, trying to become a Huntress?"

"You're looking at it the wrong way," Jaune said. "Sure, you're garbage… but it's called a garbage can, not a garbage cannot. You should strive to be a garbage can, Cinder. Embrace the suck and keep at it until it doesn't suck so much anymore."

"What the fuck would you know about it?" she spat. "You've done nothing but sit there and spout vague platitudes and call me dead girl this entire time. If this is your idea of training, then you're just a shitty teacher. I learned more from Rhodes than you could ever teach me."

"Rhodes doesn't know what the fuck he's doing when it comes to teaching," Jaune said, his eyes narrowing. "His advice will get you killed, assuming that following it in the first place is enough to even get you into an Academy. He's not pushing you enough – he's holding back. And you know why? Because he knows you can't be trusted with deadly weapons."

"Wrong," Cinder stated. "He's the one who gave me my weapon in the first place."

"Yeah, and if your current technique is any indication, he regrets it so much that he's now purposely training you wrong, as a joke."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that your current technique of all-out-aggression mixed with by-the-book rudimentary shit screams that you're an amateur with anger problems waiting for the chance to take your negative emotions out on somebody," Jaune stated simply. "You're basically like a miniature Raven, minus the love quadrilateral."

Raven flipped him off. Jaune was unperturbed.

"I know you like your mentor, but seriously. You need someone who will actually teach you. That someone is me."

"This is quite the change of heart from earlier today," Cinder mused. "Why, just a few short hours ago, you were trying to hand me off to people you barely even know."

"Yeah, and they didn't want you, so now I'm stuck with you," Jaune said. "I figure we could both sit here and cry about that or we can make the most of it. Which would you prefer?"

Cinder stared at him for a moment before letting out an angry huff. "What the hell would you know about it, anyway? You're so strong that you're probably some kind of prodigy. How am I supposed to learn from someone who has so much natural talent?"

"That's so wrong that it's actually hilarious," Jaune said, a thin smile crossing his face. He shook his head. "I'll let you in on a little secret – I lied my way into a Huntsman Academy. Maxed out my credit card paying some very shady people for some forged transcripts good enough to pass muster, then sent them in and waited for the letter back. I got accepted without a single day of training under my belt. I didn't even have my Aura unlocked when I showed up for initiation."

Cinder blinked, surprised. "...You're lying," she said in disbelief. "You have to be. There's no way-"

"Trust me, it's the truth," Jaune promised. "You think you're garbage? I was worse. You could kick seventeen-year-old Jaune's ass a hundred times out of a hundred, and not even break a sweat doing it. It'd be like squishing a bug for you. The only reason I lived through initiation and managed to stay in school is because my partner took it upon herself to train me once she found out I was a fraud, because she liked me. And even then, it still wasn't enough – when the time came for me to actually fight, she didn't think I could do it. She forced me away and marched off to fight on her own, and got herself killed in the process. She died because I wasn't strong enough to back her up. I think back to that day constantly, always wondering if I could have done something different to save her. If only I'd just trained a little harder, or started training a little earlier. If only I'd taken what training I had even more seriously than I did. If only I'd actually put some effort into trying to unlock my Semblance instead of waiting for it to just appear. If only, if only, if only… maybe she'd still be here."

Cinder stared at him in open-mouthed shock as he finished his tale. Jaune was unperturbed.

"Moral of this story," he said, pulling Cinder's sword out of the ground and offering it to her. "The best time to start learning was yesterday; the second-best time to start learning is today. Pray that by the time you've actually got to use this shit, that you're prepared for it, because otherwise you'll end up as an alcoholic wreck who can't let go of their own failures. Now, are you going to sit there and bitch about how you're not strong enough to take on a trained Huntsman yet, or are you going to take your asskicking like an adult and try to learn something from it?"

Wordlessly, Cinder reached out and took her sword from him, then backed up a few paces. She charged him again, and the same as every time, she wound up flat on her ass with her sword buried in the ground next to her. This time was different, however – there was no glare, or snappy comment. Instead, she simply rose to her feet, retrieved her sword, and took her position again.

Despite himself, Jaune couldn't help but be impressed.

"Alright," Cinder said, irritated. "What the hell is this?"

"The next part of your training," Jaune replied.

"You're going to have to explain it to me, then. Because try as I might, I can't figure out how this is related to training."

"Alright, I'll keep it simple." Jaune raised his right hand, which was holding a banana. "This is a banana. It's not that great because it's not a sword, but we're not going to let that stop you. Basically, you can consider this as your new sword until I decide you're ready for genuine steel."

Cinder stared at him in open-mouthed disbelief. "I'm not trading my sword in for a fucking banana! Are you out of your mind?"

"Yes, but that's not the point," Jaune answered. "The point is this: you're overly emotional, moody, volatile, and have a tragic backstory. That's basically screaming that you'll do something crazy at some point. So, to prevent that from happening, I'm taking your sword for now. You'll get it back when you've learned how to be less angry all the time. Instead, I'm giving you this banana."

Cinder glared at him. "Are you just doing this because you still haven't found your sword, so you figure you'll borrow mine?"

"No, but that's actually a good point I hadn't thought of," Jaune conceded. "I was originally going to just carry the thing around on my back like an idiot, but now that you mention it, that actually sounds like a genuinely good idea. Mind if I borrow it? The idea, I mean, not the sword – I know you mind if I borrow the sword, I just don't care."

Cinder let out an irritated growl. "Fine," she conceded. Reluctantly, she unhooked her sheath from her belt, then offered it to Jaune. "Just give me the fucking banana."

"Actually, since it's supposed to be your sword, you should probably start treating it as such," Jaune said.

"Don't push it," she warned. "I still have my Semblance. Piss me off too much and I can and will light your pants on fire in your sleep."

"Cinder, I'm telling you now that if you set my nice and totally-not-stolen pants on fire, then you won't even get the banana," Jaune warned. "I'm serious. And if you don't think that sounds bad, then just wait until we're all on an extended mission together and you need a sudden emergency injection of potassium, only to find that there's none around because I took your new sword away. You'll die cursing the day you decided to burn Jaune's fancy pants."

"Why are you phrasing it like I'll still be there?" Raven questioned, crossing her arms.

"Maybe because you're still here, even though you can just leave at any point?" Jaune asked, confused. "Seriously, why are you still here? I thought you would have left after being rejected by Tai and Summer."

"Because I can't return to the Tribe without a sexual conquest of some kind, otherwise they'll make fun of me, and I can't afford to replace that many dead people all at once." Raven paused. "...Did you just say that I was rejected by Summer?"

"Oh, come on. You two were totally flirting back there. Don't even try and deny it."

Raven's gaze narrowed. "Don't even joke about that."

"What's to joke about? I guarantee you that the only reason it didn't work out is because you made a move on Tai rather than both of them. I bet you a hundred lien that if you were to offer them both a threesome, they'd be totally down for it."

"Eugh." Cinder shivered. "Can we not talk about this?"

"There's nothing shameful about sex," Jaune chastised. "Seriously, get over it. Ideally, you'll be having it once you're old enough, same as just about everyone else."

"You excluded?"

"Oh, ha-ha. Do I have to bring up the ice cream girl again?"

"That depends. Do I have to call for an adult again?"

"Regardless," Raven interrupted. "I will never make a move on Summer – that woman is the bane of my existence, and always has been. I hate her with every fiber of my being, doubly so now that she's claimed Tai for herself and he is now off-limits to me permanently. I mean, unless she dies, but what are the odds of that?"

Jaune wisely chose not to comment, instead making a mental note to save Summer's life, if possible – both because he wanted to save Yang and Ruby from losing their mom again, and because anything that pissed Raven off could only be a good thing.

"Anyway," Raven continued, "Like I said, I'm sticking around because if I go back to the Tribe after having so clearly failed in my conquest, I will never hear the end of it. Sure, I could just kill whoever says anything, but the entire Tribe is still going to know, and that's going to bother me. So I'm sticking with you two idiots until I find another suitable conquest, one who will not diminish my reputation in the eyes of the Tribe."

"So you're looking for a fuckboy who can also kick your ass?" Jaune questioned. "Kind of a tall order there. I'm like ninety-eight percent sure that there are only two people on the entirety of Remnant who actually fit that description, and of those, one of them is Tai and the other one is your brother. Now, I get that you're from a tribe full of backwoods hicks who probably drink moonshine all day and idolize them Duke Boys, but even you all have to see that fucking your siblings isn't acceptable."

Raven rolled her eyes. "Fuck off. I wouldn't fuck Qrow even with a rented vagina."

"So you have thought about it."

Raven rolled her eyes again. Jaune took that as his cue to ignore her, instead looking back over to Cinder.

"Anyway, I think you've had your ass beat enough for one day," he declared. "Who wants lunch?"

"Do we even have the money to afford lunch?" Cinder asked, raising an eyebrow. "Because I can't remember having anything to eat since we left the hotel."

"Honestly, the most surprising part of that sentence is that the people at that hotel actually fed you," Jaune pointed out. "And anyway, I got you that banana, didn't I?"

"That doesn't count; I'm pretty sure you stole it from the fruit basket on Summer's porch while she was busy arguing with Raven."

"I'll admit to nothing. Instead, I'll just point out that it's very stupid to keep a fruit basket on your front porch – that kind of thing tends to attract wild animals and bandits, as I'm sure Raven can attest."

"So we're stealing lunch, then?" Raven asked, tapping her foot impatiently.

Jaune scowled. "No, of course not. Where's the fun in that? Nah, I've got a much better idea."

"That's the last of 'em," Jaune said as he dumped the final bound-and-gagged criminal on the front step of Patch's police station. He turned to the awaiting officer, who was staring at him with wide eyes. "I'd like my bounty money now, please."

The man blinked. "...I'm not sure what's more surprising," he said. "The fact that you just marched in here and declared that you could take care of every big-name criminal on the island in ten minutes if you just had a list of their names, or the fact that you actually managed to do it. Who are you, anyway?"

"I go by many names, but friends know me quite fittingly as Hugh G. Rection. So just go ahead and make the check out to a Mr. Rection and I'll be on my way."

The officer rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "Ah, about that… you see, we never actually intended for everyone to round up every criminal with a bounty all at once. I don't think we have the money on hand to actually pay you for all of them."

"I'll call it even in exchange for whatever cash you can spare, plus a payment plan where the money I would be awarded is instead used to pay off the inevitable property damages from when I get shitfaced later on tonight," Jaune said.

"Oh, you want the same arrangement Qrow's got," the officer said with a nod. "Yeah, that can be arranged. Just do your best not to burn down any elementary schools or piss on any national landmarks and we'll let it slide."

"No promises, but I'll certainly try," Jaune said.

With that, the man gave Jaune however much money he was entitled to, and the three of them set off, Jaune whistling a jolly tune while Cinder trailed after him, watching in awe.

"What just happened?" she asked.

"That's what those of us in the business call 'knowing when you're beat'," Jaune answered without looking back. "I mean, once you've seen a guy completely decimate the entire criminal population of a small island in like ten minutes, that's usually a sign that you should just instantly agree with whatever he's asking of you. It's one of the perks of being a Huntsman – you can get away with basically anything so long as it's not too egregious. I mean, who's gonna stop you?"

"That's not true in my experience," Raven pointed out.

"Your mistake is being edgy about it," Jaune replied. "I guarantee that if you didn't raid or kill people, they'd be a lot more accommodating towards you."

"I'm a bandit. That's kinda what we do."

"Yeah, well, stop that. It tends to make life hard for good people."

"What would you know about good people?" Cinder asked.

"Hey, I pulled your ass out of the fire, didn't I?" Jaune asked. "I'd say that makes me plenty good. Anyway, where are we eating? Actually. don't answer that – I'm in the mood for Vacuan."

"Why Vacuan?" Raven asked.

"I can't explain it, but I could really go for something that is just absolutely blow-your-asshole-out levels of spicy right now." He paused for a moment. "And don't go taking that the wrong way – you both know what I meant, so shut the fuck up about it."

They all chose their restaurant and settled in for a hard-earned meal. Unfortunately for Jaune, he had barely taken his seat when a shadow fell over him. He peered over the top of his menu, locking eyes with a tall, dark-skinned man, who was glaring at him with sheer malice. Seeing it, Jaune couldn't help but raise an eyebrow.

"What's this?" Jaune asked. "An older man, clearly disappointed by my life choices, and who really wants to kick my ass? Why, if it weren't for the different skin tone and hair color, I'd think you were my dad. Maybe you're a friend of his? What's your name, stranger?"

"Rhodes," the man answered with a grunt. "And I believe I owe you this."

That was as far as he got before the other man punched him in the face, and then the fight was on.

And there's the newest chapter. I figured you guys could use a nice moment between Jaune and Cinder, if only to make it clear that Jaune isn't a complete asshole. He genuinely does care, he's just got a funny way of showing it.

Anyway, not much more to say beyond that. No housekeeping items at the moment, either. So I guess I'll just cut this AN short this time. See you all later!