Plastered Paradox

Chapter 4

"Stand still, you bastard!"

"Now, why would I do that?" Jaune asked. "I mean, I get that it's like one of those stock phrases that people use in fights when they're annoyed, but still. It's not like I'm gonna make it easier for you to hit me."

The man let out an annoyed growl and pressed the attack, again surging forwards with his blade poised to strike at Jaune. For his part, Jaune managed to avoid it, though the table he dove over unfortunately didn't, and was cut clean in half by the attack.

"Man, come on," Jaune complained. "This is a nice restaurant. Do you really have to ruin it?"

"I'll kill you!" the man shouted.

"The only thing you can kill is furniture. Seriously, that's like the fifth table, on top of all the chairs you've already massacred. Your furniture-killing skills are remarkable. I hope this place has insurance."

"Insurance only covers acts of the Gods," Raven deadpanned as she examined her nails for dirt. "Most people don't have insurance for stuff caused by other people."

Jaune looked to her in surprise. "How the hell do you know that?" Without looking, he moved to the side to avoid an incoming slash, saying a brief prayer for the soul of the table that his assailant had just sent to the great lumber pile in the sky.

"I'm a bandit," Raven answered matter-of-factly. "It's my duty to learn how to be a better bandit from other bandits. As it turns out, insurance salesmen are even better at banditry than I am, so I study their methods and learn from them. More of it applies to what I do than you might think."

"Somehow, that actually makes a lot of sense," Jaune commented.

"That's just the tip of the iceberg, too. You think I'm one hell of a bandit? You should see what bankers and financial advisors do to people."

"I'm gonna have to ask you to stop, because there's a limit to how based we can be."

"Take the fight seriously, damn it!" the man roared.

"Why?" Jaune asked. "That opening punch was nothing more than a lucky shot that caught me by surprise. I'm clearly outside of your skill level. Maybe I should set you up with the fifteen-year-old armed with a banana instead, she seems more your speed."
Speaking of said fifteen-year-old, Cinder was standing off to the side, a horrified look on her face as she watched the fight unfold. Jaune couldn't blame her – if his mentor put on a showing this bad, he'd be horrified, too.

"Rhodes, stop!" Cinder pleaded. "You've got it all wrong!"

"Got what all wrong?" Rhodes asked, grunting as he again tried to cleave Jaune's head from his shoulders, and once again got only air. "All I see is a pervert who kidnapped a teenage girl!"

"Swing and a miss," Jaune commented nonchalantly. "That's strike one. Swing, batter batter, swing!"

Rhodes let out another roar and again tried to push his assault, all while Jaune continued to avoid his attacks in a way similar to how a trained fencer would dodge an untrained amateur armed with a sword they didn't know how to use.

No reason for that comparison, either – Jaune definitely wasn't thinking back to when he used to suck and also regularly got his ass kicked by Weiss.

"Ah, now I'm sad," he lamented. He suddenly stopped dodging, instead sticking his face out. "Come on, at least hit me once; this entire display is bringing up some horrendously cringe memories that I'd rather not re-live right now."

Naturally, that was the one hit Rhodes actually got in. Jaune felt the sword impact against his face before bouncing off, but didn't even flinch.

"There ya go," he said.

And just like that, he was done playing nice. He rushed forwards, dodging out of the way of Rhodes' swings and delivering a wild haymaker straight to Rhodes' solar plexus. Rhodes' eyes bugged out at the sheer force of the blow, and he tried to backpedal to put some distance between himself and Jaune, only to trip over the remnants of one of the tables he'd assassinated earlier. The two men came crashing to the ground, with Rhodes' sword slipping from his grasp and landing point-first in the hardwood floor several feet away. Jaune grabbed Rhodes by the neck and hoisted him up so the two of them were staring eye-to-eye.

"Alright, that's enough," Jaune said. "Do I have your attention now, dude?"

Rhodes stared at him for a moment… then suddenly lunged forwards and bit Jaune in the eye. Jaune was taken off-guard by the sudden assault, and was unprepared for Rhodes to use his shock to reverse their positions, ending with him on top and Jaune being held down against the floor. Rhodes grabbed him by the head and began to bash his skull into the ground as hard as he could.

"This is suddenly going a lot worse than expected!" Jaune shouted. "Could one of you do something, please?!"

"No," Raven said without even looking away from her nails.

Exasperated, Jaune looked over to Cinder. "Cinder, you're my only hope! I'm fucking begging you, please don't let me get my ass kicked by this scrublord!"

"What am I supposed to do?!" she asked, panicked.

"Use your banana!"

"How the hell am I supposed to save you with a fucking banana?!"

"I don't know, improvise!"

So, she did. Cinder drew her banana from her sheath, then cast one final look at the scene unfolding before her, then charged Rhodes, letting out a yell as she did so. She ran towards them, her banana stretched out before her point-first, aimed directly towards Rhodes' back…

And at the last second, Rhodes shifted, and the banana went way lower than anyone had ever intended.

Immediately, Rhodes' eyes bugged out. Jaune instantly took advantage of the situation, in a way that only he could.

"A thousand years of potassium!" Jaune shouted as he elbowed Rhodes in the face with just enough force to send the other Huntsman rolling off of him. He scrambled to his feet, drawing Cinder's sword from the scabbard at his side in the process. He quickly moved over to Cinder, who was staring at her former mentor in wide-eyed shock, and placed himself protectively in front of her.

"I-I swear I didn't-" she began.

"You did what you had to do," Jaune assured her. "If it weren't for you, I would have actually lost a fight. Do you have any idea how long it's been since that's happened? It's been a long fucking time, Cinder. Now, I can stand losing a fight to someone like Raven, even if that didn't happen, but to lose a fight to this guy? Nah, not on my watch."

"Did you even need my help to free yourself?" Cinder asked.

"Meh, not really," Jaune said. "But I figured you'd want to feel included."

"Not like this!"

"Look at that, Raven – apparently, beggars can be choosers."

Across from them, Rhodes struggled to his feet, looking much worse for wear. He wiped the traces of banana off his pants, then rounded on them, looking almost like a wild beast – he was incredibly haggard, his eyes were wide, and he just looked altogether completely done with everything.

"Okay," Rhodes breathed. "Alright. Cinder."

Cinder winced, hearing the venom leaking into her former mentor's tone when he said her name. "Y-yes, Rhodes?"

"Explain to me why, exactly, you're traveling with this man. What compelled you to do such a thing? You realize you're breaking the law, correct?"

"Atlas' laws suck and aren't worth shit," Jaune said, folding his arms. "She was stuck in an abusive home with no hope of escape. It was only a matter of time before she snapped and went postal. I did the right thing."

"I want her explanation," Rhodes emphasized.

"That's… kinda exactly what I was going to say," Cinder admitted. "I mean, aside from the whole 'going postal' part."

Oh, you sweet summer child, Jaune thought to himself. Note to self: do not, under any circumstances, let Cinder know exactly how evil she would have become if you hadn't accidentally gotten her out of that hotel. The last thing you want to do is create a time paradox or something.

Buddy, we're far past the point of causing a time paradox, here, another part of his brain reminded him. Honestly, at this rate, we're going to find out that Penny is actually an evil supercomputer, and that we should have let Cinder finish her off if we wanted to save the world.

Yeah, no, we're saving Penny, Jaune thought to himself firmly. I am NOT repeating that mistake again. I'm still fucked-up from having killed her in the first place. Penny is at least half of my drinking problem by herself.

Hey, look, they're still talking, that part of his brain said. Should we be listening?

Probably, Jaune admitted. See you later, brain… man, this is getting and weirder by the moment.

"-Just saying that all you had to do was hold on for a few more years," Rhodes said as Jaune snapped back to reality.

"I couldn't hold on for a few more years!" Cinder shouted. "Don't you understand?! It was torture, having to live with those three!"

"And your solution was to run away with this drunken, alcoholic, mess of a man, and his pet bandit queen?"

Raven scowled. "The fuck did you just say?"

"Down, girl," Jaune said, causing her to scowl at him, though she ultimately did as he asked and backed down. "Look, buddy," Jaune said, turning back to Rhodes,

"I don't know what part of this is so fucking hard for you to understand, but Cinder had to get out of there. I offered her a way out, and she took it."

"She burned a hotel to the ground!" Rhodes exclaimed.

"They had it coming," Jaune said evenly. "Tell him, Cinder."

"They had it coming," Cinder echoed.

Rhodes looked downright horrified at what he was hearing. "Are you even listening to yourself right now, Cinder? This man is a horrible influence on you! What if he tries to convince you to do bad things?"

"I only ever do bad things when it's for a good reason," Jaune said.

"You punched out Jacques Schnee and stole his pants!"

"I needed some pants, plus Jacques Schnee is an enormous prick who absolutely deserved worse than what he got. Just ask the Faunus, they'd probably throw me a fucking parade for punching him out."

Raven gave him a surprised look. "Wait, you punched out Jacques Schnee and stole his pants?"

"Yup," Jaune confirmed.

"Wow. For your first petty theft, that's quite the high water mark."

"That'd feel a lot better hearing it from literally anyone else," Jaune admitted. "But thanks anyway, I guess. I'll keep your compliment in mind the next time I have to commit a petty crime."

"Okay, stop!" Rhodes said. "Just… stop. This is too much to take in all at once."

"It's really not," Jaune said. "Face it, man – Cinder wanted to get out of there, no matter what it took. I offered her a way out, and she accepted it. Sure, it didn't exactly go the way any of us would have hoped – I mean, I intended to drop her off with some family friends-"

"I'm still not convinced that those two were actually your friends," Cinder interrupted.

"-With some family friends," Jaune repeated, "and that didn't work out. I figure the only other option is dumping her off in the woods or something, and fuck that. That's cruel even by my standards."

"Not by mine," Raven interjected.

"Yeah, and you're just mother of the year, aren't you?" Jaune asked, earning a glare from her. He shook his head. "Look, the bottom line is that, despite what you may think, Cinder is safe, and relatively happy. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not the best mentor for her, but I'm all she's got, so we're gonna make it work. And if that's not good enough for you, well, I guess we'll just have to shove another banana up your ass."

"That's quite alright," Rhodes said quickly. "You know what? I was just leaving, anyway."

"Wait!" Cinder said as Rhodes turned to leave. "You're just gonna leave me here?"

"I mean, you did just hit me in the ass with a banana," Rhodes pointed out. "That's not something a relationship can just recover from."

"Don't forget that I also completely kicked your ass," Jaune pointed out. "That part's kinda important."

"Yeah, that too," Rhodes begrudgingly conceded. "Anyway, yeah, I'm just gonna leave you here, Cinder. That's what you want, isn't it?"

"Why can't you take me?" Cinder asked.

"Oof," Jaune said. "After I gave that big speech about making it work and everything. But for real, that is a good question – why can't you take her, man? That'd make life easier on all of us."

"It really wouldn't," Rhodes said, shaking his head. "I'm a Huntsman associated with Atlas. I definitely wouldn't ever be able to return there if Cinder was under my care – the authorities are actively looking for her there, at her stepmother's request. I guess they want their slave back."

Jaune's eyes narrowed. "Yeah, well, if they want her back so bad, they can come and take her," he spat. "I'm not letting anyone drag her back to that shithole hotel, both because that place is an absolute hellhole and also because it's so charred. They'll have to go through me, first. And let me tell you, I'd sooner let Raven here cut my balls off than let anyone give Cinder back to her stepmom."

"Whose balls are getting cut off?" Rave asked, her interest in the conversation suddenly piqued. "I wasn't paying attention."

"Shut the fuck up, Raven," Juane deadpanned without even looking at her. "Anyway, Rhodes, I know we got off on the wrong foot, but for real. I think we both only want what's best for Cinder."

"I think you're right," Rhodes said. "And believe me, that is not an easy thing for me to say. I mean, look at you – you're an abrasive, alcoholic, asshole, mess of a man, prancing around town in stolen pants, hurling obscenities and vulgarities at everyone who so much as looks at you funny. You are a terrible role model for Cinder, to the point where I'm actually afraid to think of the damage you're doing to her mind from a developmental standpoint… but as much as I hate to admit it, you might actually be the best she's got. Hell, you're miles better than her stepmother, if only because you don't torture her or make her do menial labor until her fingers bleed. Admittedly, that's not a very high bar to clear, but still. Everyone else has treated her like dirt except for me and you, and I unfortunately cannot take her so long as I'm associated with Atlas, so I guess it's gotta be you."

"I guess that's that, then," Jaune said, crossing his arms. "So, you're just gonna leave, then?"

"For now," Rhodes said with a nod. "I'll see what I can do to get some of the heat off you two back in Atlas. I assume you're planning to return there at some point?"

"We are," Jaune said.

"We are?" Raven asked, surprised.

"We are?!" Cinder asked, even more surprised.

"Yes, we are," Jaune confirmed. "I've got stuff I have to do in all the kingdoms. Returning to Atlas is going to be necessary at some point… just, you know, not for awhile. I'd like to put it off for as long as possible, you know?"

"Yeah, well, you do what you need to do," Rhodes said. "Like I told you, I'll see what I can do to get some of the heat off of you guys back home. Let me know when you're planning to stop by – I'll help get you in. Past that, I guess we're done for now. Cinder."

"Yes?" Cinder asked, perking up.

"Be good for your new mentor," Rhodes implored. "But most importantly, as soon as you're able to, kick his ass for me, would you?"

A grin split Cinder's face, and she nodded. "You've got it, Rhodes."

"Good. Be seeing you three."

"Bye, Rhodes," Jaune said with a wave. "Try not to lose any more fights to fifteen-year-olds!"

Rhodes waved at Cinder, then flipped Jaune the middle finger, and then took off. Jaune watched him go before letting out a content sigh.

"Well, that was fun," he said casually. "Now then, to Vale!"

"To Vale?" Raven asked, surprised. "What are we going to Vale for?"

"I've got business with Ozpin," Jaune explained. "So you can just go ahead and teleport me now."

"I don't have a bond with Ozpin," Raven growled. "At least, not at the moment. I hate the old man, and pretty much always have. I have a bond with maybe five people in the entire world, and he isn't one of them."

"Really? Who's-"

"Summer, Tai, Qrow, Yang, and Vernal," Raven said.

Without missing a beat, Jaune said, "You know, I can't help but notice that Summer is first on the list-"

"Damn it, I'm not attracted to Summer!" Raven shouted. "I despise that woman with every fiber of my being! I can't stand her, especially not after she muscled in on my man and my daughter!"

"Are they really yours if you left them behind?" Cinder asked. "At that point, it's finder's keepers more than anything."

Raven grit her teeth. "Listen here, you little brat-"

"Nope," Jaune said, clasping his hand over Raven's wrist as she went for her sword. "No ventilating the fifteen-year-old. Especially not after her mentor and father figure just asked me to take care of her."

"She's obnoxious and I won't be satisfied until she's got a new hole in her throat to breathe through," Raven growled.

"I agree with you on one count, that being that she is obnoxious, but that's because she's a teenager," Jaune explained. "Come on, you were the same way when you were a teenager, I'm sure. Granted, you were probably a lot edgier about it, but still. All teenagers are little shits."

"Even you?" Cinder asked.

"Even me," Jaune confirmed with a nod. "Hell, especially me – I ran away from home to join Beacon without even having my Aura unlocked. Doesn't get much shittier than that."

"How long are you planning to cover for her?" Raven demanded.

"For as long as she's under my care," Jaune said without missing a beat. "Anyway, now that this whole crazy thing with Rhodes has been dealt with, we should probably get going."

"You know, I'm surprised you listen to him, Raven," Cinder said as they began the march to Vale.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Raven asked.

"Well, it's just that you seem like a very independent person who doesn't like to take shit from anybody. Listening to Jaune ought to be the last thing you care about, and yet, here you are."

"Raven's a bit of a mystery wrapped in an enigma," Jaune stated. "It's tough to tell what her motivations are even on a good day. Frankly, I'm still not entirely sure why she's even palling around with us right now."

"Because, like I said, I can't go back to the Tribe until I've gotten a conquest," Raven reminded him.

"So you're literally only wandering around with us so you can get laid?" Cinder asked, surprised. "Then… why not just sleep with Jaune and be done with it?"

"No," they both replied instantly.

"Why not?" Cinder asked. "That seems like the easiest solution. Besides, you already tried to entice him the other day when he beat up everyone in your camp."

"Because the more time I spend with him, the more I realize how utterly obnoxious he is," Raven growled.

"But he's just your type. Besides, you liked Summer for a bit, didn't you? At least, that's the impression I got."

"Summer was always insufferable. She's only gotten worse ever since then, too. Jaune is… he's like the worst parts of Qrow and Tai from their party animal days put together, topped off with a dash of crippling insanity. Frankly, I'm amazed that whatever asylum he escaped from is actually letting him wander around unsupervised."

"Who said anything about them letting me?" Jaune asked. "I'm a Huntsman, I can do whatever I want and nobody can stop me except another Huntsman. Who's to say I didn't just bust out of the asylum and none of the rent-a-cops they had there could do anything about it, because I'm just that badass? Hell, you ought to know – the only reason nobody's stopped you from banditing yet is that you're so much stronger than all of them."

"Was that a genuine compliment?" Raven asked, surprised. "I didn't think you gave those."

"Not true," Jaune said. "I give them to people who deserve them, such as Cinder from time to time, when she's not getting on my nerves and is actually doing something useful like giving her old mentor the spicy banana. The moment you do something actually useful, I'll give you a compliment."

"See? This is what I mean," Cinder said. "You both play off each other really well. You'd make a good pair. You should really consider-"

"Nope," Jaune said. "Nuh-uh. Not doing it. We are moving on in silence now."

Neither of his companions argued, and so they set off, taking care to leave the area before anyone started asking too many questions about why everything Jaune touched ended up getting destroyed.

I feel the need to mention that the shade I was throwing at certain professions in this chapter was all in good fun – I'm friends with an insurance salesman and I actually was a financial advisor at one point for a bit (I quit the job for another job because it turns out I fucking hate dealing with people and their bullshit, and that's a job that relies on you being a people person. These days I just get yelled at by people over the phone because their account has a cash debit on it and they apparently love to shoot the messenger, which is still an improvement compared to having to try to explain to some dumbass why it's a very stupid idea to pull money from their IRA before retirement, or having to tell people that I actually cannot trade crypto or penny stocks for them and that they really shouldn't even be asking me). So don't go taking those comments the wrong way, now.

Anyway, I'm kinda rushing to get this one out there, since I've got company coming over this Saturday and will probably not be able to do any writing at all next week because of that. I wanted to give you guys something before I took a week off. Missing In Action came out yesterday, but I know you were all waiting for this one too, and i didn't want to make you all wait another week for it. So, here we are.

That's about the extent of my housekeeping. Still working on the next chapter for Black Sun, Blood Moon - figured you'd all want to know about that since it's surprisingly popular and well-received. That one should be out in a few weeks, I think. Same goes for the next chapter of Black Widow, too - almost done with that one.

Ah, hell, while I'm at it, The Seventh Circle is also progressing, just slower than the rest. Should probably work more on that one, come to think of it...

Anyway, I'm gonna cut myself off before I ramble any more than I already have. Hope you all enjoyed the chapter. I'll try to respond to whatever reviews I can, but it might take me a bit before I can get to them since I'll have company over, so please be patient with me if I'm a little bit late in replying. I appreciate you all, and I'll see you next update!