Plastered Paradox

Chapter 6

"Well," Jaune said. "This is unexpected, to say the least."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Raven asked.

"Just that this is already a complete fucking disaster."

"That really shouldn't be surprising to you at this point," Cinder said. "Everything you touch tends to be a disaster of some kind. Even when you're doing something actually decent, such as saving me from an abusive home, it still ended with a hotel burning to the ground. I mean, they had it coming, don't get me wrong, but still. Disaster."

"Yes, I can see that," Jaune said, irritated. He turned back to Torchwick. "Okay, Torchwick – and don't bother asking how I know your name; let's just say your reputation precedes you and leave it at that, because today's been absolutely fucking crazy so far and I do not need more stupid questions right now – I have a favor to ask."

"Oh?" Torchwick asked. "Asking a favor from me, are you? Well, if my reputation precedes me, you ought to know that it's going to cost you."

"My sort-of child can play with your sort-of child," Jaune offered. "And I know that's not much of an offer, but seriously, I've spent a little less than twenty-four hours with this teenager here and I already need a break. I can only imagine that you're in the same boat."

Torchwick blinked. "...How did you know about Trivia?"

"Who the fuck is Trivia?" Jaune asked. "I'm talking about Neopolitan. You know, Neo? The ice cream-looking girl, hence the name Neopolitan? The crazy little midget who can't talk, and therefore instead prefers to express herself through wanton violence, destruction, and murder?"

"Buddy, the only kid I have under my care is Trivia," Torchwick said tentatively. "Though Neo is a good name for her, and we have been meaning to give her a good alias for when we do crimes together… but still, that doesn't change the fact that I think you're fucking nuts." He turned to Raven. "You seem reasonably sane. Would you prefer to negotiate in place of your friend, here?"

"Certainly," Raven said, her voice surprisingly even. "Here's my opening offer: you let us speak with the old man, and I won't separate your head from your neck. Does that sound like a good deal?"

Torchwick blinked, then slowly looked back to Jaune. "Right, so you said something about a play date for our sort-of children…?"

"Cinder, go into the back room and hang out with Torchwick's ice-cream-themed, pint-sized murderdaughter," Jaune said. "And whatever you do, don't make ice cream puns around her like I just did – she hates that, and while she may be small and cute-looking, she will give you an extra throat hole to breathe out of if you're not careful. And don't underestimate her just because you're bigger than her – that's the last mistake you'll ever make."

"Normally, I'd ask you what the fuck any of that was supposed to mean, but I'm already starting to adjust to the weirdness you drag with you everywhere, so at this point I'll just accept it," Cinder told him. She rose from her seat and scurried off to the back rooms, leaving the three adults to talk among themselves.

"Okay, that's my end of the bargain held up," Jaune said. "Raven's too, though I'm sure she's just looking for an excuse, because she's always looking for an excuse."

"You know me so well," Raven said sarcastically. "It's like we're husband and wife already."

"Raven, we can't be husband and wife, because you're still here." Jaune didn't bother looking back to see her reaction, but he could feel her glaring at him. "So, Torchwick – you mind putting Ozpin on already?"

"Uh, yeah," Torchwick said. "Hold on a moment."

Closed his eyes for a few seconds, and he opened them again, there was a different look behind them – something far older, far wiser, than what had been there before.

"Oh, it's you again," Ozpin acknowledged.

"I tend to get that reaction a lot among people who know me," Jaune admitted. "What's up, Oz?"

"Is there an actual reason why you came here today, or did you just want to go out drinking again?"

"Tempting, but no. To tell you the truth, I've got a bit of a problem, here. I'd say it out loud, but then Raven will think I'm some kind of schizophrenic asylum-dodger, and I'd rather not be labeled mentally incompetent when I'm supposed to be saving the world… or not, I guess. That kinda depends on how this little chat of ours goes."

"I already think you're mentally incompetent," Raven explained. "My opinion of you honestly can't fall much farther than it already has. At this point, you could introduce yourself as an alien named Ziltoid who's prepping to invade Remnant in search of the universe's finest cup of coffee, and I'd just write it off as you being a crazy, drunk asshole who's more liver than brains."

"Okay, then you won't freak out if I say I'm a time traveler from the future, who somehow ended up about twenty years in the past, and now needs to get home?"

"Oh, look at that," Raven said. "I was right. Excuse me, I'm gonna go make a scroll call."

"What for?" Jaune asked. "Does your parole officer need to know you're here or something?"

Raven flipped him off, then rose from her seat and marched outside, leaving Jaune and Ozpin the only ones there.

"Great, she's gone," Jaune acknowledged. "Now, onto business. I know it sounds crazy, but I really am a time traveler from the future. Somehow, I ended up twenty years in the past. I need you to help me get back to my own time before I fuck up anything even worse than I already have."

Ozpin blinked. "...Okay," he began. "Assuming I even believe you-"

"Why wouldn't you?"

"Because your story is ridiculous on its face, and also because you killed me," Ozpin pointed out. "But, assuming I actually believe you and that you really are a time traveler from twenty years in the future… what am I supposed to do about it?"

"I don't know, use your magic or some shit," Jaune insisted.

Ozpin glared at him. "How do you know about that?"

"Because, dickhead, I'm from the fucking future," Jaune emphasized. "Seriously. My friends and I got tired of you hiding shit from us, so we used one of Jinn's questions and figured it all out. I know all about you, and all the secrets you've been hiding from the world for the past however-the-fuck-many-years-it's-been."

Ozpin stared at him for a moment, then blinked. "...Okay, wow," he said. "You weren't kidding. This certainly changes things."

"You think?" Jaune asked. He shook his head. "Look, all I want is a way back to my own time. Do what you want with Cinder, so long as she's taken care of. Give her a jump-start into Beacon, or watch over her yourself, or whatever. Just don't send her back to Atlas, and don't let Salem get ahold of her."

"Again, I'm sorry to tell you, but I can't do what you're asking of me," Ozpin retorted. "And before you blow up at me – yes, I know that it's not what you want to hear, but it's the truth. My magic has its limits. If it was within my power to time-travel, do you really think I'd still be here right now? No, I would have gone back in time and erased Salem from existence or something. The fact that I haven't should be proof enough that I'm incapable of doing what you want me to."

"Fucking beautiful," Jaune spat. "So I guess I really am stuck here, then."

"It's not all bad," Ozpin insisted.

"That's easy for you to say. You're not leaving behind all your friends."

"Look at it this way – this is your chance for a do-over," Ozpin pointed out. "And don't act like you haven't considered that before."

Admittedly, he had – among other things, he'd considered saving Pyrrha and stopping Salem earlier, even telling other people that he was planning to stop her sooner rather than later. Granted, he hadn't exactly emphasized how he planned to do that, probably because he still didn't really know, himself – stopping her the first time involved the use of Ruby's eyes, plus all four Relics, and he didn't have access to any of those at the moment.

In fact, his 'stop Salem' plan this time around didn't really consist of anything more than 'tell Ozpin how you stopped her the first time, then get the fuck out before you irreparably fuck up the future'.

Needless to say, that plan was now out the window, and not just because he couldn't go home anymore. He wasn't sure just how badly him saving Cinder had fucked up the timeline, but honestly, he couldn't bring himself to care that much about it, both because it was the right thing to do and because, if what Ozpin was saying, then the timeline was about to get exponentially more fucked – after all, if he was stuck here, well, might as well save the world for real, right?

"Okay…" Jaune said slowly. "I'm stuck in the past, and there's no way for me to get back to the future short of divine intervention, which is unfortunately in very short supply at the moment, no thanks to your ex-wife. What do I do now?"

"How about you start with filling me in," Ozpin suggested. "What happens in your timeline?"

"Nothing for about ten more years," Jaune explained. "Then Salem's forces attack the school, steal the Fall Maiden's power, kill you, and generally start turning the entire world into a colossal goatfuck."

Ozpin blinked. "Oh."

"'Oh', indeed," Jaune echoed. "After that… well, after that, it's mostly my friends and I trying to clean up your mess around Remnant. No offense intended, of course; I insist that I'm being purely objective when I refer to the state of things at that time as your mess, since it was a mess and since it was mostly your fault."

"Alright, I get it," Ozpin deadpanned.

"No, you really don't," Jaune insisted. "Seriously, you put Ironwood in charge of things. That dude was just looking for an excuse to go full authoritarian and start ruining everything, and guess what happened? It's really not surprising that Atlas fell harder than Humpty Dumpty."

"Oh, Gods…" Ozpin groaned, burying his face in his hands. "Is it really that bad?"

"Believe me, it gets worse," Jaune explained. "But I'll spare you the gory details. All you need to know is that, in the end, we did win. We beat Salem and convinced the Gods to fuck off. Lost a lot of good people in the process, but all things considered, it could have gone way worse than it did. That's kinda why I wanted to return home so badly – because, while things weren't great, they were at least not completely terrible, which was better than any of us expected they'd be. I was hoping to return home before I did something to possibly fuck that up, but I guess that's suddenly not an option now."

Jaune sighed, running a hand through his admittedly messy hair. "So, that begs the question – what do I do now?"

"Well, I've got a few suggestions," Ozpin offered.

"Okay, shoot. Not like you can make things worse for me."

"Help me fix my screw-ups," Ozpin emphasized. "From the sound of things, I did a terrible job last time around. If I can avert those crises this time, the world will be better off for it."

"Oh, well, if you're looking to make some changes, I've got a few suggestions," Jaune said, sitting up straight. "First order of business: don't give Summer any more missions. Like, just blanket ban that shit. No more missions for Summer, period."

"But I had one-"

"No more missions for Summer, period," Jaune insisted. "Do you know what happens when you give Summer one mission too many? She goes on that mission. And on that mission, something happens, and suddenly, Summer isn't around to be a good mom anymore, if you catch my drift."

Ozpin paled as the realization of what Jaune was saying sank in. Slowly, he nodded. "Okay… no more missions for Summer," he echoed. "Got it. What else?"

"At some point, the Fall Maiden's power is going to go to a young woman named Amber," Jaune explained. "I never really knew her on account of the fact that she came down with a cripplingly permanent and debilitating condition that medical professionals call 'taking a nice, long dirt nap in the forever box'. And no, I will not explain the circumstances behind what happened to her, so don't ask. Anyway, she's a bit of a free spirit, which is nice, unless you happen to possess horrifically destructive powers that are the key to items passed down by the Gods. Then it just makes you ridiculously easy to isolate and kill."

"What do you suggest, then?" Ozpin questioned.

"Make it a point to tell her that you're not going to chain her down, but that it's in her best interests to lay low and stave off the wanderlust however she can, because otherwise, she's just making herself an easy target," Jaune said.

Ozpin nodded. "Makes sense, I suppose."

"Also, I know you're apprehensive about doing this, but you've gotta talk to your inner circle and tell them everything," Jaune implored. "Seriously. Glynda, Qrow, Summer, and Tai are all good people, they're not gonna betray you in a million years."

"Sure, that's-" Ozpin paused. "...I noticed you're leaving Ironwood and Lionheart out of this."

"Oh, that's just because Ironwood goes mad with power and betrays you after my friends and I completely fuck up and make him go absolutely batshit, and Lionheart ends up being a huge coward and allying with Salem to save his own skin, sacrificing literally every single one of Mistral's Huntsmen in the process," Jaune said casually. "But aside from those two, everyone else is pretty trustworthy… well, probably; can't say I know much about Theodore since I never really met the guy, but he seems mostly solid. Mostly."

"Good Gods…" Ozpin moaned. "How do I consistently keep picking the worst people to be part of my inner circle?"

"Hey, don't beat yourself up too bad," Jaune told him. "You've still got Qrow, and he's pretty much a bootlicker for you. Hell, he'd probably straight-up just suck your cock if you told him to, because he trusts you just that much. Summer is pretty damn trustworthy too, just don't mention anything about her kids, because then she'll basically gouge your eyes out. Ask me how I know."

"How do you-"

"Oh hey, look at the time," Jaune said instantly. "Anyway, I need your help with something."

"What would that be?" Ozpin asked.

"Getting my weapon back."

"Would this be the sword you killed me with?"

"Yeah, it's currently in police lockup. Would you mind getting it back for me?"

"How am I supposed to get it back for you?"

"You're the one sharing a mind with the world's most stylish thief, you tell me. By the way, you might want to mention to him that at some point, your mind is going to overwrite his and completely subsume it unless we stop Salem in the next few years. Roman's an asshole, but even he has the right to know about that. Plus, I figure that'll be a really nice kick in the ass to convince him to ally with us instead of being the total chode he was back in my time."

"Okay, sure," Ozpin conceded. "I'll help you get your weapon back, and also inform Roman that his mind is going to steadily fade away over time unless Salem is stopped. What are you going to do after that?"

Jaune scratched the back of his head. "Admittedly, I haven't thought that far ahead yet," he said. "I guess that if we're going to save the world and all that shit, we ought to start with doing everything the same way I did it back in my timeline – that is, getting the Maiden powers and collecting the Relics."

Ozpin blinked. "That's… surprisingly simple."

"Yeah, well, nobody's fucked anything up yet," Jaune explained. "In my time, Salem's forces destroyed Beacon long before we had a chance to even figure out what was going on behind-the-scenes. We were left scattered to the winds and forced to pick up the pieces. That hasn't happened yet, thankfully. Of course, our first big hurdle is finding the Maidens. I take it you don't know where any of them are?"

"Nope," Ozpin stated.

"Yeah, thought so. In my timeline, Raven was the Spring Maiden, but something tells me that isn't the case yet here, since she was so willing to leave her tribe for something incredibly stupid and trivial."

"Oh, was she trying to sleep with Taiyang and Summer again?" Ozpin asked.

"Dude, what the fuck, how come everyone can see it but her?" Jaune shook his head. "Look, it's not important. What is important is that we're down three Maidens."

"Why three?"

"Because one of them is currently on ice, if you catch my drift. I know exactly where to find her, and once Ironwood's been replaced, getting to her is going to be a lot easier. That leaves three unknowns we're going to have to track down ourselves. How good are Roman's underworld contacts?"

"At this moment? He's got ties in Mistral and Vacuo," Ozpin said.

Jaune nodded. "Okay. Get him to start putting out feelers there – see if we can't get any insight into whether the Maidens are hanging out there. At the moment, I think it'd be best if Raven, Cinder, and I went over to Mistral and actually started looking for Spring ourselves. She's kind of an unknown at the moment, and I hate unknowns. I'd prefer to have her either on our side or under control. While we do that, you should find someone to replace Ironwood."

"I take it you were thinking of someone in particular?" Ozpin asked.

"Oh, yes," Jaune said. "I have the perfect person in mind for the job. Just trust me, it's gonna be great."

The heavy office door slammed behind her, and she was suddenly left alone in the middle of the room holding a brand new dress uniform that was ever-so-slightly too big for her. Sixteen-year-old Winter Schnee looked around her new office, and for the first time in her life, felt compelled to drop her high society visage in favor of something a bit more crude, yet far more fitting for the world's biggest sudden promotion.

"What the fuck just happened...?"

Later that night, Jaune stepped into the hotel room Junior had set him up in and collapsed onto the bed with a relieved sigh. It had been a long couple of days, and he was just ready to sleep it all away.

"I don't know how the fuck I get myself into these messes," he mumbled to himself. "Seriously, what the hell happened to get me sent back to the past? I can't remember fucking anything past going to bed with Neo, and from what little I recall, that happened pretty early in the night. So that's like two-thirds of the night I can't remember at all, which is great, because it means pretty much anything could have happened to send me back."

He let out an irritated sigh, then ran a hand through his hair. "No matter. I guess I'm stuck here now, so I might as well make the most of it."
He closed his eyes and was about to fall asleep when there was a knock at the door. He gave a small, tired groan, but ultimately didn't tell them to go away, because it might have been Cinder in need of something.

"It's unlocked."

The door opened, but it was not Cinder. Instead, Raven stepped in the room and shut the door behind him, then stood there with a hand on her hip. Jaune blinked. "Can I help you?"

"I just want to talk for a bit," Raven said.

"Uh, sure." Jaune sat up and moved over so there was space on the bed for her to sit. She obliged, taking a seat next to him. "So, what's on your mind?"

"Are we really doing this?" Raven asked.

"Doing what?"

"Fighting Salem."

"Well, yeah. I mean, I'm certainly doing it, and I guess I'm dragging Cinder along for the ride, too. You don't have to come if you don't want to."

"On the contrary," Raven said. "If you're really taking on Salem, you'll need all the help you can get. Besides, I still need a conquest."

"Correct me if this is a bit too confrontational, but why are you so willing to help?" Jaune asked. "I thought you ran out on your family because you thought Salem couldn't be stopped."

"How did you- you know what? Never mind; I'm sure the answer is completely insane."

"Correct."

"Figures…" She shook her head. "Look, the fact of the matter is that I'm still not sure if Salem can be stopped, but you're a crazy bastard, Jaune. You know things you have no business knowing, and honestly, your confidence that she can be beaten is rubbing off on me a bit. You do think she can be beaten, right?"

"I know she can be beaten, because I've done it before," Jaune insisted.

Raven stared at him. "You're really pushing this time traveler thing to its limit, huh?"

"Yes, because it's what actually happened," Jaune said. "If you don't believe me, then I can prove it to you once we get to Mistral. All we need is the Spring Maiden's powers and access to the Vault under Haven. We do that, and I'll be able to show you and Cinder that I'm not actually lying about that, and that Salem can be beaten."

"You really are a crazy bastard, you know that?" Raven asked.

"I aim to please."

"I'm sure. Still, though, you're crazy enough that if anyone can successfully defeat that bitch, it's you. Even if you can't, well… someone has to be around to take care of Cinder once Salem turns you into a red smear on the ground."

"I thought you hated Cinder," Jaune ventured.

"The kid's growing on me, I'll admit it," Raven begrudgingly answered. "Look, the point is… I'm still not a hundred percent sure that Salem can be killed. But you seem to be, and despite the odds, that's worth something, so I'm gonna stick around for a bit and see what I can do. I figure the worst thing that happens is we all die, but if Salem really is making moves like you seem to think she is, then that was going to happen anyway."

"Well, shit, who am I to turn my nose up at some additional help?" Jaune wondered. "Good to have you aboard, I guess. And hey, if we successfully pull this off, I swear I'll arrange a threesome with Tai and Summer for you as a reward."

Raven smacked him on the shoulder. "Ass," she chastised. She rose to her feet, then stepped over to the door. "I'm gonna catch some shut-eye before we head out tomorrow. Don't wake me with your insane PTSD nightmares, or I'll be mad."

"No promises," Jaune said.

With that, Raven closed the door behind her. Jaune immediately collapsed onto the bed, closing his eyes.

The fight against Salem wasn't going to be easy, he knew that much. But having someone like Raven along for the ride was certainly reassuring.

"Now if only we could get a fourth party member to round things out and make a complete team." He couldn't help but crack a grin.

"But come on, what are the odds of that happening?"

What are the odds, indeed? Tune in next time to find out.

Anyway, not much to report on, aside from one thing – if you didn't see the update to my other story, Missing In Action, then I'll mention it here: I am going to start studying for my FINRA Series 24 exam, which is going to take a few months. Updates might slow down a bit because of that. I'll still be working to update all my stories as fast as I can, but if I disappear for awhile, it's because I'm busy studying.

As with anything of this nature, if at any point you'd like a status update or an assurance that I'm still working on my stories, please feel free to send me a PM and I'll personally update you with regards to where I'm at on the next chapter for whatever story you want to know about. I want to keep it as transparent as possible so nobody thinks I'm just up and disappearing. I'll still be working on all my stories, but please be aware that if I slow down at bit, that's why.

Besides that, I've got nothing else. See you all next time!